Josh Quotes in Batman Returns (1992)

Josh: Not a lot of reflective surfaces down in the sewer, huh?

[he chuckles and the Penguin joins in]

The Penguin: Still... could be worse. My nose could be gushing blood.

[they both laugh again]

Josh: Your nose could be... what do you mean by tha...

[the Penguin bites Josh's nose]

[last lines]

Will: You should go in and introduce yourself. She *is* your sister.

Josh: She *is* my sister...

Josh: How was the ride with Godzilla?

Will: No blood, no foul. Yeah.

Josh: Well, just take it nice and easy. It's only a week.

Dara: I think your dad is a sweetie.

Josh: She, uh, grew up in a Soviet orphanage.

Frank: Mister, you're a fine salesman. There's no denyin' that. So here's what we're gonna do: I'm gonna ask you three questions. If I like the answers, I'll buy the vest.

Josh: Okay.

Frank: All right, first question: Are you a family man?

Josh: Um... sure. Yeah, I... I... have a family.

Frank: Now that ain't what I asked you. Are you a family man?

Josh: Sure. Of course I'm a family man.

Frank: All right, second question: You believe in God?

Josh: Um... Uh, well, it's been a little bit since I been to church, but, yeah, I... I, uh... yeah, I... I believe in God.

Frank: All right, final question.

Josh: 'kay.

Frank: What would you put your trust in to save your family? This vest or God?

Sofia: Is that your angle, rescuing girls?

Josh: I just try to help people where I can.

Sofia: Another holy roller.

Victor: Nice car. My deputy says you entered the town illegally. We take the law seriously here.

Sofia: I let him in, Victor. He has an injured girl in there.

Victor: You shut your mouth.

Victor: [back to Josh] Here's the way it's gonna go: You give me your keys, then you pay a fine. Can't pay? You work.

Josh: Don't do this.

Drake: You know, we get holy rollers through here from time to time - vigilantes, crusaders, stirring up trouble, making a lot of noise about God and ignoring our laws - but you get a few drinks in 'em, catch 'em behind closed doors, you'll see the truth.

Josh: What's your point?

Drake: My point - I think you're the real deal.

Josh: Sometimes it seems like we have no choice, fight or die, but when you believe, when you truly believe, there's always a choice. Death isn't the end.

E.L.: I thought I told you to mail this yesterday?

Rubin: Yeah, I posted it this morning.

E.L.: [Josh watches for a second, then the reality hits him] OH FUCK!

[Josh scrabbles on the floor for the video]

E.L.: W-w-w-wait a second. Tell me you mailed the Beth tape to Tiffany.

[Josh nods]

E.L.: Yes!

Josh: Shit! Oh, no! Oh, no!

Barry: Hey, hey.

Josh: What?

Barry: Did you make a copy? Because if you made a copy we could watch the copy.

Frat member: [Holding up a white hood] Are you in the Ku Klux Klan?

Josh: Whoa whoa, that isn't ours.

Kyle: That's not mine!

Josh: OK, hold on, th-there's obviously some explanation.

Frat member: There is. See your boy here's an evil bigot, and now he's gonna die.

Kyle: [faints]

Beth: What do you look for in a girl?

Josh: She should be smart, and funny.

[Beth undressing]

Josh: That's good too.

Beth: Do you feel better yet?

Josh: I feel a little bit better, yes.

Beth: What else do you look for?

Josh: She should be nice and attractive and...

Beth: [Beth removes her top]

Josh: Topless. And topless.

Rubin: What class is that again?

Rubin: Ancient philosophy.

Rubin: Well I can teach you ancient philosophy in 46 hours.

Josh: Really?

Rubin: Yeah, I can teach Japanese to a monkey in 46 hours. They key is just finding a way to relate to the material.

Carla: [answering the phone] Hello?

Josh: Hi Carla, it's Josh. I'm sorry to bother you. Is Tiffany around?

Carla: Tiffany is not here. She didn't sleep here last night, again, and it'd be great if one hour went by where you didn't call.

Josh: Right.

Carla: [Angrily] If she wanted to talk to you, she'd call you. Deal with it.

Josh: [Hanging up the phone frustrated] Bitch.

E.L.: Did she sound hot?

Rubin: I just said we'd make it across. I didn't say anything about the wheels staying on.

Josh: What the hell are we gonna do now? I'm totally screwed! I don't have time to be walking through the woods right now!

E.L.: Just copy off someone.

Josh: I can't. It's all essay and stuff. You know, if I fail this, my average is shot, I might lose my financial aid, I could not be allowed on campus next semester.

E.L.: Well, you're fucked, then. You might as well come to my party tonight, hook up with Beth, and at least enjoy your last week at college.

Josh: I'm not hooking up with anybody, alright? I've made a commitment to Tiffany. I'm invested in this relationship.

E.L.: Invested? Who are you, Charles Schwab? Would you listen to yourself? I would give my life for one night of consensual sex with her.

Josh: Assumption *is* the mother of all fuck-ups.

[last lines]

Josh: I never knew my father, but I found him in that cave. He was a hell of a fella, once you got to know him.

Josh: [Frank starts giggling uncontrollably] What?

Frank: You remind me of me.

Josh: ...shit.

Frank: Be careful. Please.

Josh: I have control.

[first lines]

Dex: Josh? Wow, your old man let you come up for air?

Josh: Oh you're kidding, Dex.

Dex: Oh you're gonna be in the shit.

[big hug]

Dex: Josh is his own man. He doesn't take after his dad much.

Josh: What, you mean I'm not an emotional shutdown Nazi asshole?

Josh: How did you become like this?

Frank: Look... Josh. I know I haven't been anything of a father to you. Alright? I'm not much good out there full stop, mate. That's just the fact.

[in an alley outside Gina's apartment sometime after she hits Dave with her car]

Gina Morrison: Hi, are you all right? Because you just ran off!

Captain: Contact, everyone! Our first verbal encounter!

[into microphone]

Captain: Thank you for your concern.

Dave: [speaks with extremely high pitch; bottles explode in background]

Captain: It's way too high! More bass!

Dave: [speaks in extremely low pitch]

Captain: Level the frequency!

Dave: [speaking perfectly] I'm all better now.

Josh: [to Gina] How hard did you hit this guy?

Josh: It's just a shirt... It don't need no lovin'

Josh: Maybe it's better not to be the best. Then you can lose and it's OK.

Josh: Can we go to the dealerships now?

Fred: But the game's not over, yet.

Josh: Yes, it is.

Bruce: Do you know what it means to have "contempt" for your opponent?

Josh: No.

Bruce: It means to hate them. You have to hate them Josh, they hate you.

Josh: But I don't hate them.

Bruce: Well you'd better start.

Fred: You know you could give up the game, and that would be all right with me. In fact, I want you to give it up.

Josh: But I can't.

Fred: Why not?

Josh: Because I have to play. *I* have to.

Josh: Can we get some brochures now?

Fred: Sure, pee and get your coat.

Josh: Do you have any idea what you're talking about?

Cher: No. Why, does it sound like I do?

Josh: Look, I'm just curious. How many hours a day do you spend grooming yourself?

Cher: Some people are not lucky enough to be as naturally adorable as you are.

Josh: Stop it, you're making me blush.

Cher: Lucy, the fire department called again. They said we need to clear out that bush. You said you'd get Jose to do it.

Lucy: He your gardener, I don't know why you no tell him.

Cher: Lucy, you know I don't speak Mexican.

Lucy: I NOT A MEXICAN.

Lucy: [storms off]

Cher: Great, what was that all about?

Josh: Lucy's from El Salvador.

Cher: So?

Josh: So, it's an entirely different country.

Cher: What does that matter?

Josh: You get mad if anyone thinks you live below Sunset.

Mel: Josh, are you still growing? You look taller than you did at Easter.

Josh: I don't think so.

Mel: Doesn't he look bigger?

Cher: His head does.

Cher: I want to do something for humanity.

Josh: How about sterilization?

Mel: I'd like to see you have a little direction.

Cher: I have direction!

Josh: Yeah, towards the mall.

Josh: You look like Pippi Longstocking.

Cher: Well you look like Forrest Gump. Who's Pippi Longstocking?

Josh: Someone Mel Gibson never played.

Josh: We might get Marky Mark to plant a celebrity tree.

Cher: Oh how fabulous. Getting Marky Mark to take time from his busy pants dropping schedule to plant trees. Why don't you just hire a gardener?

Josh: You know, maybe Marky Mark wants to use his popularity for a good cause - make a contribution. In case you've never heard of that, a contribution is...

Cher: Excuse me, but I have donated many expensive Italian outfits to Lucy, and as soon I get my license, I fully intend to brake for animals, and I have contributed many hours to helping two lonely teachers find romance.

Josh: Which I'll bet serves your interests more than theirs. You know, If I ever saw you do anything that wasn't ninety percent selfish, I'd die of shock.

Cher: Oh, that'd be reason enough for me.

Josh: You want to practice parking?

Cher: What's the point? Everywhere you go has valet.

Cher: You are such a brown-noser.

Josh: Oh, and you are such a superficial space cadet. What makes you think you can get teachers to change your grades?

Cher: The fact that I've done it every other semester.

Josh: I think I'd really like to check out Environmental Law.

Mel: Why? You want to have a miserable, frustrating life?

Cher: Oh, Josh will have that no matter what he does.

Mel: At least he knows what he's doing. And he's in a good college. I'd like to see you have a little bit of direction.

Cher: I have direction.

Josh: Yeah, towards the mall.

Josh: Hey, James Bond, in America we drive on the right side of the road.

Cher: I am. You try driving in platforms.

Josh: Hey, in some parts of the universe, maybe not in contempo-casual, but in some parts, it's considered cool to know what's going on in the world.

Cher: Thank you Josh. I SO need lessons from you on how to be cool. Tell me the part about Kenny G again?

Josh: [while watching news about a war in Bosnia] You look confused.

Cher: Well, I thought they declared peace in the Middle East.

Cher: Sporadically. It means once in a while. Try to use it in a sentence.

Josh: [later] Be seeing you.

Tai: Yeah, I hope not sporadically.

Josh: Wow, you're fillin' out there.

Cher: Wow, your face is catching up with your mouth.

Josh: Hey, just because my mother marries someone else, doesn't mean he's my father.

Cher: Actually, Kato, that's exactly what it means.

Josh: So you don't want to make a night of it with the Ring a Ding Kid?

[Enid and Seymour enter the Sidewinder to see Josh scooping some ice cream for a little girl]

Enid: Hi, Josh.

Josh: Hi.

Enid: Just stopping by to say "hi".

Josh: Yeah.

Enid: This is my friend, Seymour.

[Josh turns round, recognizes Seymour from the diner and accidentally drops the ice cream. The little girl starts crying]

Enid: OK. Well, we'll see you later Josh.

[Enid and Seymour exit]

Sidewinder Boss: Josh, what you goddamn doing? Clean up that fucking mess! Jesus!

Josh: Aren't there like a million places like this?

Enid: This is the ultimate. It's like the Taj Mahal of fake '50s diners.

[spying on Seymour from across the diner]

Enid: Oh my God. He just ordered a giant glass of milk.

Josh: That's a vanilla milkshake.

Josh: Will you please leave? I got a deadline to meet. Gosh.

Billy: Who the fuck do you think you are ?

Josh: HEY!

Billy: You're Josh Baskin, remember? You broke your arm on my roof! You hid in MY basement when Robert Dyson was about to rip your head off!

Josh: You don't get it, do you? This is important!

Billy: I'm your best friend. What's more important than that, huh?

[Turns to leave]

Billy: And I'm three months older than you are, ASSHOLE!

Scotty Brennen: See that girl over there in the red? Say "hi" to her and she's yours. She'll have her legs around you so tight you'll be begging for mercy.

Josh: Well, I'll stay away from her, then.

Interviewer: Where did you go to school?

Josh: It was called George Washington.

Interviewer: Oh G.W. My brother-in-law got his doctorate there. Did you pledge?

Josh: Yes. Every morning.

Susan: I'm not so sure we should do this.

Josh: Do what?

Susan: Well, I like you, and I want to spend the night with you.

Josh: Do you mean sleep over?

Susan: Well, yeah.

Josh: OK... but I get to be on top.

Josh: I'm much better at video hockey.

Paul: That's not a sport.

Josh: It requires hand and eye coordination.

Paul: It's not a sport if you don't sweat.

Josh: What about golf? It's a sport and you don't sweat.

Paul: It's not a sport if you let a machine do all the work.

Josh: What about car racing?

Paul: Shut up, Baskin.

Mrs. Baskin: You have my son?

Josh: [Over the phone] Yes.

Mrs. Baskin: Look, if you touch one hair on his head, I swear I will spend the rest of my life making sure you suffer.

Josh: Wow, thanks.

Josh: What's this?

Scotty Brennen: Pay day.

Josh: [Opens up the envelope and looks at his check] A HUNDRED AND EIGHTY SEVEN DOLLARS?

Scotty Brennen: Yeah. They really screw you don't they?

Josh: It's a glow-in-the-dark compass ring. So you don't get lost.

Josh: [playing racketball] That was under the line.

Paul: What?

Josh: That was under the line. You said it had to be over the line on a serve.

Paul: No, I didn't.

Josh: Yeah you did. You said it had to be over the line on a serve.

Paul: No I did not, now give me the goddamn ball!

Josh: Well that's cheating.

Paul: Give me the Goddamn ball, will you?

Josh: No.

Paul: Give me the ball, you little shit.

Josh: It's my serve.

Paul: Give me the ball! GIVE ME THE GODDAMN BALL! I never said that!

Josh: Yes you did.

Paul: Give me the...

[Josh starts to run, Paul gives chase]

Paul: Give me the... Give me the ball. Give me the ball!

Bank Teller: [cashing Josh's first paycheck] Okay, so how would you like that?

Josh: [he and Billy discuss it privately, then return to the window] Three dimes, a hundred dollar bill and 87 ones.

Bank Teller: [pause] Okay...

[takes out stack of $1 bills]

Bank Teller: One, two, three, four...

Billy: [noticing a dingy hotel that says "St. James"] This one looks all right.

Josh: No, it doesn't.

Billy: St. James, Josh! It's religious.

MacMillan: You can't see this on a marketing report.

Josh: Um, what's a marketing report?

MacMillan: Exactly.

Josh: [checking Billy's baseball cards] Got it, got it, need it, got it...

Billy: So you got a job, where you play with all these toys.

Josh: Yup!

Billy: And they're gonna pay you for that!

Josh: Yup!

Billy: SUCKERS!

Josh: [inputting toy orders] The Dinky Link... Jimmy's Toy Box...

Scotty Brennen: [in the next cubicle] Psst, hey, I'm Scott Brennan.

Josh: I'm Josh Baskin.

Scotty Brennen: Listen, what're you tryin' to do, get us all fired? You gotta pace yourself, slowly, slowly.

Josh: It's my first day.

Scotty Brennen: I know!

Josh: [looking around St. James hotel room] I can't sleep here.

Billy: Maybe it's better if you don't

Roy: Josh, How ya doing man? I just saw the new nurse and she is... very attractive.

Josh: This pleases me.

Josh: The candy belongs to... Seymour Butts.

Tony Perkis: Seymour Butts? Seymour Butts? Who's Seymour Butts, hmm? Who's Seymour Butts?

Josh: Nobody's seen more butts than you, Uncle Tony!

Gerry: Don't tell anyone, but I uh... snuck in some Oreos. Just in case.

Josh: That was very sneaky of you, Gerry. Chipmunks! Download! Now!

[Gerry looks around as the campers pile candy in hiding places]

Roy: Josh. Somebody gonna die today.

Josh: Call 911.

Roy: Funny Josh. But really man, what happened? Talk to us.

Josh: [half-unaware] Josh was bad.

Roy: Oh man. Oh jeez.

Josh: [half-unaware] Josh now good.

Gerry: Good? Wha... what do you mean?

Josh: Must be...

[finally showing his normal awareness]

Josh: good to see my big ass again!

Tony Perkis: You picked the wrong man to mess with.

Josh: [sarcastically] Oh, I didn't know I was messing with a man!

Tony Perkis: Kiss the ground, joker-boy!

Josh: Hey, would you get your foot off my back?

Tony Perkis: Shut up!

Josh: [on the "Camp Hope", aka "Camp Hell" movie which everyone at the camp and all the kid's parents are there watching]

Josh: Forty push-ups?

Tony Perkis: No! Sixty! Down! Now! Eighty! One hundred!

Maury Garner: He's strict.

Lars: Hello, I am your new friend and counselor. Please insists about wearing your Perkins System uniforms. Your families will be billed automatically. Now, lets play a fun game that helps us learn each others names.

Josh: [mocking Lars' accent] We already know each others names.

Lars: Silence!

Tim: [sees the kids have locked Tony up] Oh good God!

Pat Finley: This is insane!

Julie: This is great!

Gerry: So, what was you guys' plan?

Pat Finley: What do you guys think you're doing?

Gerry: Taking over the camp.

Tim: Guys, you can't kidnap the owner of a camp! They give people the *chair* for things like this.

Gerry: It was self defense, you have to believe us.

Julie: I believe you.

Roy: Pat, you know what? He snapped!

Josh: He was going to make us climb a thousand foot mountain!

[all the campers start talking at once about Tony's insane antics]

Josh: I loved them so much...

Alex: You loved who?

Josh: The Girls of Madam Camae's Filipino Palace...

Alex: You've been spending our rent money on Filipino hookers?

Josh: They're not hookers, they're massage therapists.

Mover #2: Yeah, they'll massage your cock for money.

Mover #1: There is a word for that... I think it's hooker!

Josh: You're a hooker!

[movers throw their stuff down and stare at Josh]

Alex: Whoa guys.

Yuri: Alex I make you special deal, I'll give you five minutes to grab all the shit you don't want thrown out, but if you take one extra minute, my friends will take your testicles and remove them, through your anus!

Josh: Eat it whore.

[first lines]

Josh: [playing video game] Fuck! Stop hitting me!

Alex: This is like, if Tyson fought an infant.

Josh: What the fuck is on my dick?

Danny: I think if I was going to have any super power it would be the ability to speak Spanish. That would be amazing wouldn't it? 'Cause you could say stuff like "Hola", "Gazpacho".

Nat: You just said it.

Josh: You're saying it now.

Danny: Oh, wow.

Hugh: Not strictly speaking a super power, though, is it really? Otherwise everyone in Brazil would be superheroes.

Danny: [Nods]

[mumbles]

Danny: Mm, true.

Naomi: They speak Portuguese in Brazil. You cock!

Josh: I had this boss when I was living in New York and he said, "Let's hustle people. It's already tomorrow in Hong Kong". And that phrase really stuck with me because it's so fast paced here, it really is already tomorrow.

Ruby: Guess what?

Josh: What?

Ruby: It's still yesterday in L.A.

Josh: You got a pretty good style. What's stopping you?

Ruby: Thanks... Student loans, rents, the need to eat on a regular basis.

Josh: Eating is highly overrated.

Ruby: Coming from a guy who probably has caviar for breakfast.

Josh: No.I have cocaine for breakfast. Caviar is like a late-afternoon snacks.

Josh: I am working on a novel right now.

Ruby: Oh. So you're novelist?

Josh: I think you have to finish the book before you call yourself a novelist, but kind of...

Ruby: So what is it called?

Josh: Do you really wanna know?

Ruby: I keep asking you questions because I love to hear the sounds of my voice.

Josh: You're kind of sassy. You know that?

Josh: There's something very wrong with your city when the only good thing you have going for it is the weather.

Ruby: It's so weird watching you speak Chinese.

Josh: It's weird watching you speak English.

Ruby: Do you ever get writer's block?

Josh: I read somewhere that if you're blocked, it just means you're writing about the wrong things.

Ruby: Okay. It looks like someone's being Google quotes about writer's block instead of actually writing.

Josh: Busted.

Josh: I've had a few Asian girlfriends, and suddenly, like, I'm the white guy with an Asian fetish.

Ruby: I've always been intrigued with expats.

Josh: Yeah?

Ruby: Yeah. I mean, they always gave the impression that living abroad is so glamorous. But when my grandparents immigrated to the States from Hong Kong, their journey is anything but glamorous.

Josh: You see that?

Ruby: Yeah?

Josh: That's my office right there.

Ruby: It almost makes it worth being a banker.

Josh: All those lights on in the offices. It's 11:00 in a Friday night. Those are all people working. It isn't as glamorous as it looks.

Ruby: Guess not.

Josh: For the first time in my life I've stopped thinking of myself as a child imitating an adult.

Cornelia: You feel that way too?

Josh: I like our life as it is.

Cornelia: Yeah. I mean if we wanted to take off to Paris tomorrow we could.

Josh: If we're gonna do it, we should plan it with at least a month in advance.

Cornelia: A month is still in the realm of spontaneity.

Josh: It's like... he once saw a sincere person and he's been imitating him ever since.

[Last lines]

Josh: He's not evil. He's just young.

Dr. Nagato: You have arthritis in your knee.

Josh: Arthritis arthritis?

Dr. Nagato: Yes. I usually just say it once.

Jamie: I really loved your film. That scene with the dogs around the garbage. How did you stage that?

Josh: I said 'Hey, shoot those dogs'.

Cornelia: I wish you'd look at me the way you look at Jamie and Darby. When we first met, you wooed me with romantic e-mails.

Josh: It wouldn't make sense for me to send you e-mails now that we're in the same room all the time.

Cornelia: My dad likes saying, "The more, the more."

Josh: That's because your dad has everything and then he gets more.

Josh: I've learned along the way you can discover more by allowing yourself to be surprised by what you encounter.

Josh: Let's have kids.

Cornelia: I don't want this to be 'Every time you take a hallucinogen you want to have a baby'.

Josh: Not every time.

Josh: You know, fuck you.

Cornelia: Fuck you. Don't talk to me like that.

Josh: I'm saying "fuck you" the way Jamie and Darby say it, where it's not a real "fuck you," it's a semi-playful "fuck you."

Cornelia: We're not Jamie and Darby. We don't talk to each other that way. If you say "fuck you" to me, it feels like a real "fuck you."

Josh: It is real.

Cornelia: Fuck you. And not semi-playfully either.

Josh: Fuck you. Total, real, cutting-to-the-core, fuck you.

Cornelia: They made a house out of twigs. And the wolf came.

Josh: He blows it down.

Cornelia: Yeah, but what happens in the middle?

Josh: I keep wanting to do 'This little piggy went to the market, but that's with the toes'.

Leslie Breitbart: How's my daughter?

Josh: How's she seem to you?

Leslie Breitbart: Seems well.

Josh: So why are you asking me?

[a beach ball hits Josh's head]

Josh: Aaaah, what the shit? Watch it!

Ball thrower: I love you!

Josh: Ah, all right.

Annie: We really have to go now.

Josh: Give my regards to Mars.

Charlie: Don't be so quick. You're not as smart as you think you are.

Marcia: You know if we can make it to the roof, I can get to the junction box outside, tie into the phone lines, call for help.

Josh: You can do that?

Marcia: Hey, I can do anything. I work for the phone company.

Annie: Hi.

Josh: Hi.

Annie: How are you?

Josh: I'm fine. So... uh... how about getting together sometime and doing something normal?

Annie: Normal like a movie?

Josh: Yeah.

Josh: What ever happened to free choice?

Sam: That's a myth.

Jude: Would you like to stay here and keep working on your material or would you rather go get your brains fucked out?

Josh: Brains out please.

Josh: [after confessing his feelings to Jessica, he kisses her] So I guess I'd like to know if you have some sort of reaction to this. More specifically, do you want to have dinner with me tomorrow night?

[she doesn't respond at first, and Josh adopts a look of defeat and embarrassment]

Josh: Well, if you'll excuse me, I definitely need another drink.

Jessica: [she stops him] No, wait. I'd love to have dinner with you, but I can't.

Josh: What? Not the season?

Jessica: [laughs nervously] No. I mean I cant have dinner with you because I'm with Helen.

Josh: Oh, you're having dinner with Helen?

Jessica: No. I mean I'm *with* Helen.

Josh: [he looks at her in disbelief] Like *with* with Helen?

Jessica: Right *with* with.

Helen: [Helen enters from the stairwell] Jessica, they're starting to serve dinner.

[Jessica exits]

Helen: Hey, Josh.

Josh: [still can't believe what he's just heard] Helen...

[beat]

Josh: how are you?

Helen: [smiles] I'm good thanks.

[she exits]

Josh: You know Stein, why don't you cut yourself a break. It's obviously not the time to be meeting someone anyway.

Jessica: [sarcastically] Really? What? Not the season?

Josh: No. It's just because you're clearly not open to it.

Jessica: [laughs] Excuse me? I'm sorry. How would you know?

Josh: Well, I do have a little history to draw from. But even if I didn't, you've known Charles here for about an hour and in that time you've dismissed a panoply of men based on factors as reductive as a linguistic misstep, a different view from yours on going dutch, a kind reaction to your legendary lateness, and a genuine interest in yoga. You know, I think it was Anais Nin who said, "We don't see things as they are. We see things as we are."

[chuckles]

Josh: Generally I'm not much of a Nin fan, but I do feel that bit sums you up to a "T", Stein. So I don't think the problem's with these poor men, these freaks and morons, as you put it. I think the problem is with you.

[Josh is confronting Jessica after she made a private phone call]

Josh: You a little jumpy today Stein?

Jessica: No.

Josh: You got a hot date?

Jessica: No.

Josh: Yeah. Who's the guy?

Jessica: There's no guy.

Josh: Oh come on, you're a terrible, terrible liar.

Jessica: Trust me, there's no guy.

Cooper: Young man! Where have you been? I was up all night worried sick. Do you know what time it is?

Josh: I LOVE college. I love everything about it. The people, the freedom. This room. This chair. Look at this chair!

Cooper: You had sex last night didn't you?

Josh: That's a nice shirt.

Cooper: I need my Jimmy!

Josh: No Jimmy, repeat: no Jimmy.

Josh: It was so easy. I mean, I didn't have to do anything. To make it happen. It was just like. "Time for sex. We're gonna have sex now. Prepare for sex."

Josh: I'm not gonna commit suicide, if that's what you're thinking.

Cooper: Aw come on Josh, you're fucked anyway. At least this way, one of us comes out on top.

Josh: Then you kill YOURself.

Cooper: Naw, I just couldn't see that working.

Matt: [singing] My words in my sperm, spewing forth my tragic...

Matt: What the fuck do you two what?

Josh: Are you a musician?

Cooper: Are you in a band?

Matt: Kiss... My... Arse.

Josh: What?

[Josh and Cooper look at each other puzzled]

Matt: That's the name of the bleeding band.

Josh: Oh, you're gonna be playing the big pre-finals party.

Matt: Yeah, that's right - if I'm still around.

Cooper: What do you mean?

Matt: And who the fuck are you? Fucking Kurt Loader!

Matt: WOULD YOU PISS OFF AND SHUT MY FUCKING DOOR!

[Josh and Cooper hurriedly close the door, but remain in the room]

Matt: Piss off!

Josh: Oh, Piss off.

Cooper: [On the way out of the room] What the fuck does piss off mean?

Josh: There's only one thing that can save you now.

Cooper: What? Valium?

Josh: No, studying! You need to study.

Cooper: What? You're insane!

Cooper: [caught by their clueless friends, Cooper grabs Josh and pretends to have an intimate moment with him in the bushes] Can we have some privacy, please?

Cooper: [the friends leave] That was close.

Josh: Cooper, they're probably thinking we're making out here.

Cooper: [amused] I know, they're totally in the dark.

Josh: [discussing their flawed plan at the same time their friends are on the other side of the door thinking it's a lovers quarrel] Neither of us have ever done anything like this before so if we're gonna go through it, I want us to be safe!

Cooper: Oh fine, I just thought you and I were tight back there. Just don't ever pull out on me again.

Josh: I pulled out because I don't think you know what you're doing.

Cooper: I'm taking over from here! You know Josh, you are so anal!

[all the friends run after this]

Josh: I want you to know I think you're really different.

Daryle Shane: I can work really hard to be the same.

Leah: Is it just you three, or is your entire gender mentally deficient?

Josh: It's pretty much all of us.

Ivan: You, you've got no ambition! You're content just existing! You need what I've got, brother.

Josh: Herpes?

Josh: You can't run away from these people. In five years... they'll be your family. In ten years... they'll be your family.

Josh: Oh, grandpa fell asleep again.

Timm: No, he's dead.

Michael: Hey, I thought of one I know you guys definitely haven't heard of.

Kyle, Josh: What?

Michael: And I happen to know it's true.

Kyle: No wait a minute, this isn't that dumb story about the time you and your friends found that pirate ship in an old cave?

Michael: No, it's better than that.

Josh: I brought some video game cartridges.

Kyle: What're we supposed to do with video game cartridges?

Josh: Play video games.

Kyle: On what?

Josh: Oh yeah, I forgot about that.

Maureen: And get this. He's a blackfella.

Josh: What, Indian black or African black?

Maureen: No, I mean blackfella black. Near as I could tell, anyhow.

[a small child exits out of the bathroom and see's Cain getting prepared to kill Nan]

Josh: [speaking in an adult voice] I know what you're going to do! It's a bad thing and I'm gonna tell!

Cain: [Cain yells] Get out of here!

[Dr. Waldheim speaks to Carter's multiple personality Josh]

Dr. Waldheim: Carter, pay attention. You have to answer my questions... so I will be able to understand what's going on. Is that perfectly clear?

Josh: [Josh talks in a little kid's sounding voice] No.

Dr. Waldheim: Why?

Josh: Because I'm not Carter.

Dr. Waldheim: You're not Carter?

Josh: No.

Dr. Waldheim: Well, wait a minute. If you're not Carter, then who are you?

Josh: I'm Josh.

Dr. Waldheim: Josh. And where is Carter?

Josh: Carter's inside.

Dr. Waldheim: Inside where?

[Josh points to his head]

[Josh tells Dr. Waldheim the rhyme Margo taught him]

Josh: That's why I'm here.

Dr. Waldheim: Can you explain that?

Josh: That's what Margo says.

Dr. Waldheim: Margo.

Josh: That's what she says. 'Hickory Dickory Doc. Cain has picked his lock. He did a bad deed and Josh comes to bleed. Hickory Dickory Doc.'

[Josh tells Dr. Waldheim about Margo]

Josh: [Josh whispers to Waldheim] Shh! She heard me.

Dr. Waldheim: Who heard you?

Josh: Margo. She's right behind you.

Josh: [Waldheim begins to look over her shoulder] Don't look! I shouldn't be talking to you.

Dr. Waldheim: How do you know she heard you?

Josh: She's staring right at me. Like I did something bad.

Dr. Waldheim: Josh, who is Margo?

Josh: She protects the children. She won't let Baumse hurt them like he hurt me.

Josh: Why do you have to take pictures?

Alex: I don't know Josh, maybe cause I want to be able to remember this stuff.

Josh: [meeting Megan online] Hello, hot chick.

Megan Stewart: Hi, skaterdude.

Josh: My name's Josh.

Megan Stewart: I know.

Josh: Uh, how'd you know that?

Megan Stewart: My friend Lexie gave me your address.

Josh: Well, that was nice of her.

Josh: So, you going to the party tonight?

Megan Stewart: I don't know.

Josh: Hmm. At least you get to see what I look like.

Megan Stewart: I already know what you look like.

Josh: How?

Megan Stewart: I have an imagination.

Josh: [chuckles] Oh, no. Lexie gave you my picture, didn't she?

Megan Stewart: Maybe.

Josh: Oh my God, busted!

[They both laugh]

Josh: You're such a stalker!

Josh: [talking with Megan online] I would never hurt you, Megan.

Megan Stewart: I know.

Josh: [teasingly] Do you?

Megan Stewart: Yes.

Josh: Do you trust me?

Megan Stewart: [smiles] Yes.

Josh: What's the going rate on a bottle of water, Sancho?

Bobby: Got to be some infidelity for sure.

Josh: Decided you should ration your own food and water.

Eva: Is this for the three of us?

Josh: No, two. Mickey's fasting.

Josh: Store's closed.

Josh: The only thing I hate more than the present is nostalgia for the past.

Josh: Let me tell you something about Bruce Springsteen, okay? Never trust anyone who is that passionate about the state of New Jersey.

Sarah: You're a dick.

Josh: Yeah. All men are dicks, Sarah. We're hardwired that way.

Sarah: Yeah, but you're a dick who thinks he's better than a dick because he can back up his dickish behavior with psychobabble and pseudoscience.

Josh: The Japanese are the most wacked-out people on earth.

Sarah: Oh my God, you're like an 8 year-old racist.

Josh: An 8 year-old racist... Look, you cram that many people on an island, it's like a throbbing inbred hothouse of cultural miasma. Frankly, I'm surprised they don't have more fetishes.

[last lines]

Josh: [posing for group picture] Alright, posture everyone.

Kate: [holding the camera] Uh, I'm going to need you to get a lot closer together than that.

Sarah: Okay.

Ben: Come on, come on.

[arm around Alex]

Josh: Alright. I'm going to pose a quick idea, you guys. Maybe next time we do this, it's a happy occasion.

Alex: Is there going to be a next time?

Isaac: Uh oh.

Sarah: Alex...

Kate: Okay. One, two...

Josh: I taught you all of Calc 21 and then you went off and did better than me on the exam; I'm not teaching you how to chop wood.

Isaac: So, what are we making, Sarah?

Sarah: We are making chilled watermelon soup and sea scallop risotto.

Josh: What? What are we making again?

Sarah: I'm sorry, can you do something helpful?

Josh: Did you say risotto?

Sarah: Can you please do something helpful?

Josh: The joint is not going to roll itself, Sarah. And I am making a magical appetizer dish that is going to make your risotto taste so much better.

Josh: Alex, where did you get these records? I feel like I'm at a garage sale.

Alex: I bought them at a garage sale.

[first lines]

Night Editor: [entering] Ben. Your page's set?

Ben: Mm, yep. Almost.

[looking at picture]

Ben: Jesus, Alex.

[answering the phone]

Ben: Hello? Yes, this is him, but I'm at work. So...

Josh: [now answering his phone] Used to have a freshman roommate named "Ben", but that ass-wad hasn't called me in ages. What?

Sarah: [on her phone] And no one was there? He was... Alone? Yeah, of course he was alone. That was stupid. Yeah, I can probably get up in a couple hours. I just need a little bit of time to get out of here.

[more work gets set on her desk]

Isaac: [walking while on his phone] Well, he's gonna be okay. That's the most important thing. Okay.

[checking incoming call]

Isaac: I gotta take this. Hang on a sec... Babe? Yeah, I'm fine. Just got to the office - I'm gonna leave from there.

Josh: Sarah!

Sarah: What?

Josh: Enough with the fucking pictures.

Sarah: I'm sorry, I'm recording this for posterity. Is that okay?

Josh: By what? By ruining it in the present?

Sarah: No, that's your job.

Josh: Ben, can I ask you something? Was it difficult, as a couple, when the iPhone 4s came out? Because I can imagine, here you are, minding your own business, and then everybody's asking her a question.

Ben: You're a fucking idiot.

Alex: I've got great southern exposure, so I was thinking of installing a solar array. And um, maybe a few rainwater basins too.

Josh: That sounds great, Alex. Then you'd have everything you need to start a cult.

Josh: Sometimes things, they need to be said. And in those instances, being an asshole comes in handy.

Siri: Josh, I really fucked up.

Josh: I know. He'll get past it. It's ironic, though.

Siri: Why?

Josh: I just thought that if you were ever going to slip up, it would be with me.

Sarah: So, we are all doomed, romantically speaking.

Alex: Only on like a deep karmic level.

Josh: For whatever reason, I'm strangely okay with that.

Sarah: Maybe we should make one of those pacts where if we're still single when we're 35, we all just get married.

Alex: Who, the *three* of us?

Sarah: Yes, and Timmy of course.

[indicating the dog]

Sarah: We'll make a great dysfunctional family. How's that sound Timmy?

Josh: I'd consider it.

Josh: I figured that I would be far less curious now if I'd just done a better job of...

Alex: ...doing more drugs in college.

Ben: I can't remember what happened last, me writing something good or me and Siri having sex.

Josh: So basically what you're saying is that you're *blocked* in more ways than one.

Josh: Give me a break, I'm not listening to that.

Ben: What?

Josh: It's like we're gripped by this never-ending nostalgia for our parents' music. It's oppressive.

Josh: Yeah, it's got to be big. If people are going to start thinking anyway... Killing all the salmon just so you can run your fucking iPod every second of your life. And that's what's gonna happen. People are gonna start thinking. They have to.

Josh: For the first time in my life I was with someone I was really into, you know the feeling where you just crave them?

Cin: So, London. That must be an exciting place to live.

Josh: Yeah... yeah, apart from the cold, the rain, the filth, the huge cost of everything, oh, and the English, it's a great place to live.

Josh: All I wanted to do was be a princess for a day.

Josh: Yeah, you have to sleep together and run away, as soon as you let some sort of intimacy develop it's... I dunno, it gets crazy.

Josh: That photo reminds me of... Oh, fucked if I know, something.

Cin: That you loved her.

[internal monologues]

Cin: Three days... hm, it's tempting.

Josh: Hm, it's tempting.

Josh: As soon as you're about to leave the country you suddenly become more desirable or something.

Josh: Oh my god, you're naked!

Josh: It's sexy when their hips and their bottoms start to move around like that. But after a while I felt like my jaw was going to drop outta my head.

Josh: One minute you're together, you're really intimate, fucking each others' brains out. The next minute, probably never see each other again.

Cin: There you are, I thought you'd snuck out.

Josh: Well I was about to, but first I thought I'd just rifle through your drawers.

Josh: [on the phone] Hey, Cin, it's me. Look I'm outside the apartment and I think the only thing for us to do is to have sex immediately.

[Listens for a moment, realizes he has the wrong number]

Josh: Oh, I'm sorry. Yes I'm sorry, look I thought you were somebody else. Okay, I'm sorry, bye.

[hangs up]

Josh: Ah FUCK.

Josh: [on the phone] I just had sex with a total stranger.

Cin: What, you've been out of here for 5 minutes and you've already been unfaithful?

Cin: [on phone] Hey come upstairs, I'm taking all my clothes off.

Josh: I might have something to keep you warm.

Cin: Why don't you bring it up here? I don't want to catch a chill.

Josh: Did I say good goodbye?

Cin: Don't think so.

[starts undoing his trousers]

Cin: Not properly.

Josh: [take off his shirts] Okay, see you.

[pushes Cin toward the bed, removing her robe, pushing her down, they start kissing]

Cin: Bye!

Cin: [after saying 'I love you' during sex] I didn't mean it. You're a bastard for making me say that.

Josh: What did I do?

[smiling]

Cin: I was under duress.

[laughing]

Cin: It's not fair, I'm taking that back.

Josh: No, no, you can't take it back.

Josh: Being with someone like Cin, it's, I don't know, seductive I guess. She was open, confidant. She was never uptight. There was never any of that having to do it with the lights out.

[During sex, internal monologues]

Josh: Three cups of self-rising flour. Four lemons...

Cin: Yeah, keep going. Keep going. Don't stop, don't stop, don't stop. Please don't stop.

Josh: A cup of milk. A teaspoon of baking po-o-wder.

Cin: Yeah, don't stop. Don't stop. Please. Please wait for me.

Josh: Six eggs. Eight ounces of butter.

Cin: Keep going. Keep going.

Josh: Desiccated coconut!

[internal monologues]

Cin: I want my bed.

Josh: I need to sleep.

Cin: No more sex, god, I can't take it anymore.

Josh: I hate sex.

Cin: I just want to get into bed.

Josh: I just want to go to sleep.

[Outloud to each other]

Josh: What are you thinking?

Cin: Nothing, you?

Josh: Nothing.

Josh: I don't know, there's something really exciting when you click with someone. Feeling them become aroused, feeling their hunger and their passion, like you've let something out of a cage. The noises, the heat, that moaning thing, their desire. Sometimes it's hard to let go of just like that.

Josh: It gets away from you. It starts off as a sex thing and suddenly there's an emotional energy that you can't control. And you want more and more intimacy. But there's a price.

Josh: Excuse me, isn't this supposed to be casual?

Cin: It is fucking casual!

[Josh tastes tea, makes a face]

Cin: No good?

Josh: Do you boil the water?

Cin: Listen, buster, I know how to make tea, it's just like making coffee only with tea. I made you a cup the other night, you said you liked it.

Josh: Can I ask you something? What that before or after we had sex?

Cin: Before, you know it was before.

Josh: Exactly.

Josh: It was out of control, we hardly knew each other. We fucked, we had a fight- you walk away. What were we doing back in bed together- talking?

Josh: You think I'm getting a bit fat?

Cin: Well how would I know, I've only known you for three days. For all I know, you could have lost fifty kilos and been a real porker a week ago.

Josh: [to Oli] Can't you keep your fucking Viking ass in your pants for two seconds?

Josh: Did we come all the way to Europe to smoke pot?

Oli: Hey, I came all the way from Iceland.

[in the torture chamber]

Josh: Please! I have money! I'll fucking pay you! Ten times, two times - whatever you want!

The Dutch Businessman: Pay me?

Josh: Yeah!

The Dutch Businessman: No one is paying me. In fact, I'm the one paying THEM!

Josh: You... Why?

The Dutch Businessman: I always wanted to be a surgeon. But the boards would not pass me. Can you guess why? You see? So I went into business. But business is so boring. You buy things you sell them, you make money you spend money. What kind of life is that? A surgeon, he holds the very essence of life in his hands - your life. He touches it.

The Dutch Businessman: He touches it. He has a relationship with it. He is part of it.

Josh: Please just let me go, please...

The Dutch Businessman: You want to go? Is that what you want?

Paxton: ...you need a fork there chief?

The Dutch Businessman: No. I prefer to use my hands. I believe people have lost their relationship with food. They do not think "this is something that died for me so that I would not go hungry." I like that connection with something you die for. I appreciate it more.

Paxton: Well I'm a vegetarian.

The Dutch Businessman: I am a meat-eater. It is human nature.

Paxton: Well I'm human and it's not my nature.

The Dutch Businessman: [to Josh] Tell me... what is your nature...?

[places his hand on Josh's leg]

Josh: WHOA! Don't touch! Don't fucking touch me!

The Dutch Businessman: [quickly gathering his things and moving out of the train compartment] Sorry, sorry...

Josh: [still very weirded out] Fucking freak! Jesus!

[Paxton and Oli both look at each-other and laugh hysterically]

Paxton: [laughing] Edward Saladhands just groped Josh!

Oli: [waving his fingers menacingly] Ooooooh...!

Paxton: [still laughing] Dude, you finally hooked up, that's awesome!

Josh: [still visibly pissed] Yeah, that's fucking hilarious.

Josh: Aren't there any Dutch people in Amsterdam?

Josh: Did we come all the way to Europe just to smoke pot? We did that everyday when we were in college. Why don't we go check out a museum or something?

Josh: Penny, get back in the tent!

Penny: It hurts... I need air...

Josh: Get back in the MUTHAFUCKIN' TENT!

[Shelby has just been saved]

Josh: Aww, well that's it isn't it? It's over. You motherfucker! You spinless, pussy-whipped motherfucker. That's all it takes eh? A bitch says one thing and it's all over! You know what William? Your policy is bullshit! Fucking bullshit! Well you listen to me you son of a bitch. I did everything for you.

[William is unable to look]

Josh: Look at me! When you're killing me you look at me!

Shelby: My parents are sick okay? They need me, I'm all they have.

Dave: You're fucking lying. Your parents hate you, they cut you off.

Gena: I'm pregnant. I'm pregnant!

Josh: No she's not! She's lying to you. She's fucking lying

Gena: I'm not.

[Carousel stops on Gena]

Gena: I'm pregnant. Push the thing. Push the thing! Mr. Easton push it. Push it!

Josh: This is what I love about my job. I get to travel, see the world, meet new cultures. I mean, it's all bacterial, but, hey, what the fuck?

[the two kids skipping school and Dr. Margo Green arrive to the museum at the same time]

Josh: Let me get this straight. We finally cut school, and you want to go to the museum. Maybe afterwards, we can go to the library?

Student: They've got Mummies in there. Eyeballs in jars, dead stuff.

Josh: See, man, I don't know about this stuff.

Student: Look, we can go in with them.

[points at a bus of other students arrives to visit the museum]

Student: Check it out, and split. I mean, we can't go to an arcade yet, anyway. We'd be noticed. So, what are you, scared?

Josh: No, I'm not scared.

[the two kids walk up and stare at Margo who's dressing outside the steps into the museum]

Margo Green: Hey, didn't your parents teach you not to stare?

Josh: Didn't yours teach you to not get dressed in the street?

Museum Worker: Good morning, Doctor Green.

Margo Green: Good morning.

Josh: Doctor?

Student: What kind of Doctor are you?

Margo Green: I'm an Evolutionary Biologist.

Student: What's that?

Margo Green: Someone trying to figure out where our tails went.

Maria: This is first base.

[She and Josh kiss]

Maria: And this is second base.

[she lifts Josh's hand to her breast]

Josh: How do I get a home run?

Malcolm: You don't!

Malcolm: Josh, Man, if this ain't good... If this ain't good, Man, I'm gonna kill you.

Josh: It's not good. Get dressed!

Josh: Life's a joke, then you croak.

Kelly: Who won?

Josh: I'm not supposed to tell, IT WASN'T YOU.

Vicki Carpenter: [bouncing up and down on top of Josh] Don't you wanna FUCK ME?

[giggles psychotically]

Josh: [Josh yelps in disgust and pushes Vicki, unintentionally making her fall on the floor. In concern, he hurries to her side] Vicki...

Vicki Carpenter: WRONG.

[Possessed by Mary-Lou, Vicki squeezes Josh's neck and slams him up against the wall with ease]

Josh: [Josh frowns after Kelly throws a dart at his Einstein poster, hitting the Albert Einstein photo right in the nose] Sorry, big guy.

[Josh removes the dart]

Josh: [when Kelly hits a photo of Einstein with a dart] Sorry, big guy.

Josh: Jesus, was that you?

Sully: Sorry.

Josh: Oh God, that reeks! Oh!

[farts again]

Josh: Dude!

Sully: Damn scrumptious chocolate covered raisins!

Josh: What Is It?

Jay: I Don't Know

Josh: [on finding the bodies] They're going say we did this

[last lines]

Josh: Someone switched it off

Josh: Brandon?... Come on, buddy... - squats to see if Brandon snaps out of it...

Josh: Are you Brandon?

Josh: Open the door bitch!