Joseph R. Cooper Quotes in BASEketball (1998)

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Your bed is over here.

[indicates a dog bed]

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Dude, that is so fuckin' weak! How am I supposed to get a chick in that?

Joseph R. Cooper: Oh, don't worry, dude. You couldn't get a chick if you had a hundred dollar bill hanging out of your zipper.

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Yeah I could.

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: No. Dude, you're a little bitch!

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: I am not! I don't even know why I hang out with you guys, anyway.

Joseph R. Cooper: 'Cause you're a piece of shit.

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: I am not a piece of shit!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Yeah, but you're a little bitch.

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Goddammit! I swear if you guys rip on me 13 or 14 more times... I'm outta here!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: We win, and they get the chicks. That sucks, dude.

Joseph R. Cooper: I'm telling you, it's jobs. We gotta get jobs. Then we get the khakis. Then we get the chicks.

Joseph R. Cooper: If you want unanimous consent, you're gonna have to get it from one of the other owners.

Joseph R. Cooper: Hey pigfucker, can I call you pigfucker?

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: No, only my friends can call me pigfucker.

Jenna Reed: I've been the director of the Dream Come True foundations since October.

Joseph R. Cooper: The ones that grant wishes to sick a dying kids, right?

Jenna Reed: Oh, well we like to think of them as health challenged and survival impaired.

Joseph R. Cooper: Go back to your fancy cars, and your big bank accounts, and your celebrity friends, and your beautiful women, and Victoria Silvestedt, Playmate of the Year... FUCK!

Joseph R. Cooper: [Squeak is trying to shut off their gas] Shoot for it.

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Shoot for it? What are you, insane? This is my job, you assholes!

Joseph R. Cooper: Look, it's a good deal. All you gotta do is make a single from right here, and you can shut off our gas and we'll never call you "Squeak" again.

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Or bitch.

Joseph R. Cooper, Douglas "Swish" Reemer: [Coop and Reemer exchange looks] Or bitch.

[together]

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: [Squeak lines up, ready to shoot] All right. Check this shit out.

Joseph R. Cooper: [psyche-out] Steve Perry.

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Huh?

[shoots and misses, ball bounces off roof and hits dog]

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Tough break, Squeak.

Joseph R. Cooper: Yeah, now you gotta fetch the ball, bitch.

[agitated dog growls, and rocks gate vigorously]

Joseph R. Cooper: If I had a nickel for every time that ball pulled me out of a tight spot, I'd have a shitload of nickels!

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: I am not going out with his sister!

Joseph R. Cooper: Dude, that's the defense, ya gotta psych them out.

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Yeah, ya gotta say totally fucked up shit to psych them out.

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Oh... Hey wait a minute, why is me going out with his sister totally fucked up?

Joseph R. Cooper: What is something you really want?

Joey: Chelsea Clinton.

Joseph R. Cooper: That's a tough order, dude.

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: You'd have a better shot at Bill.

Little Coop: You know Reemer, someday I'm going to be a big sports star.

[cut to present day]

Joseph R. Cooper: You know Reemer, someday I'm going to own a big sports bar.

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: He's flat-lining!

Joseph R. Cooper: Quick, where are those little heart paddles? The ones George Clooney uses!

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: No! Not those!

Joseph R. Cooper: Clear!

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Clear!

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: [takes Joey's pulse]

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: No pulse!

Joseph R. Cooper: Turn up the power! 10,000 volts!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: 10,000 volts!

Joseph R. Cooper: Clear!

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Clear!

[Speak fails to clear, gets electrocuted]

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Dude, it's not working!

Joseph R. Cooper: Turn it up! 15,000 volts!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: 15,000 volts!

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: [ears smoking] No...

[Sqeak is thrown back from the shock]

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Dude, do you even know what you're doing?

Joseph R. Cooper: What does it look like?

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: An execution?

Joseph R. Cooper: Damn it man I'm trying to save an innocent life!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: I'm giving you all I've got captain!

Joseph R. Cooper: I love ya always have. Heh.

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Heh.

Joseph R. Cooper: CLEAR!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Oh, I'll come, I love hospitals.

Joseph R. Cooper: No you don't, you like Taco Bell!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: No, one time I was at this hospital, in france, and I met this great chick.

Joseph R. Cooper: Dude, that was a hostel.

[trying to psych out a player in their very first game]

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Ugh! One of Britney's moms pubic hairs!

[pulls hairs from mouth]

Basketball player: [disgusted voice] Psh... Ohhhh man!

Joseph R. Cooper: HAH! You lose! Dude that was a SWEET psyche-out!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: UGH HERES ANOTHER ONE!

[pulls out more hairs from teeth]

Joseph R. Cooper: [with Australian accent] Eeer seen those beer commercials? How to speak San Franciscan?

[He pulls Squeak's shorts down, revealing his bottom]

Joseph R. Cooper: Vajoyna!

[the referees penalize him]

Joseph R. Cooper: Oh come on, that wasn't a gay joke, it was an Australian joke!

Joseph R. Cooper: Who's this guy?

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: He's my entertainment lawyer. He's helping me with my movie contract.

Joseph R. Cooper: Now you're such a big shot you're gonna act in a Hollywood movie? Fucking sellout.

Joseph R. Cooper: [repeated psyche-out] Steeeeve Perry!

Joseph R. Cooper: Thanks a lot, Doctor Dickhead! You totally fucked me there!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Dude, relax. It was a joke.

Joseph R. Cooper: Why don't you give it up! She doesn't even like you!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: You think she got the hots for you? Shit. Squeak has a better chance that you do.

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Hey, you think?

Joseph R. Cooper: That is low. You son of a bitch.

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Why is that low?

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Dude, I know you're feeling jealous right now. Don't blame me because I have a sweet ass! I can't help it!

Joseph R. Cooper: Hey, Grumsky, you losin' weight?

[in Cartman's voice]

Joseph R. Cooper: Hey, you guys, seriously, I'm fuckin' fat. Seriously, you guys, I'm fuckin' fat as fuck.

Joseph R. Cooper: He didn't pysche me out!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Yeah, if anyone should get the psyche-out, it should be Denslow!

Joseph R. Cooper: Dude, weak.

Joseph R. Cooper: Look, it's fat liposuctioned out of Marlon Brando's ass!

[Puts a straw in it]

Joseph R. Cooper: Aww, oh no, what am I doing here?

[Drinks it]

Joseph R. Cooper: Aww, it's all salty and warm! Oh, why would I do this? Ugh, this guy ate a lot of pork.

[Coop and Doug are standing outside of Brittany Kaiser's house waiting to be let in]

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Yeah dude, but this is Brittany Kaiser's house, and I really really wanna fuck her.

[both realize that her father is standing in the doorway]

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Dr. Kaiser!

Joseph R. Cooper: Dr. Kaiser!

Joseph R. Cooper: With that new liver he'll be peeing like a champ in no time!

Jenna Reed: That's kidneys, Coop.

Joseph R. Cooper: No, it's not like horse.

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Pff!

Joseph R. Cooper: Pff.

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Pff.

Joseph R. Cooper: Pff!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Pff.

Jenna Reed: What Joey really needs to know, is where are you going to be next year?

Joseph R. Cooper: Right here, and the next year, and the year after that, right up until Joey grows up... and gets a driver's license, and starts going out with girls... meets the right one, forgets about baseketball altogether.

[They kiss, then move apart]

Joseph R. Cooper: Goes home, does some pushups, fucks the sleeve of his favourite jacket...

Jenna Reed: What?

Joseph R. Cooper: Huh?