Jonathan Quotes in The Mummy (1999)

Evelyn: [at Hamunaptra, opening Imhotep's sarcophagus] Oh my God, I hate it when these things do that.

Rick: Is he supposed to look like that?

Evelyn: No, I've never seen a mummy look like this before. He's still... still...

Rick, Jonathan: ...juicy.

Rick: Let me get this straight, they ripped out your guts and they stuffed them in jars?

Evelyn: And they take out your heart as well. Oh, and you know how they took out your brains?

Jonathan: Evy, I don't think we need to know this

Evelyn: They take a sharp, red hot poker, stick it up your nose, scramble things about a bit, and then rip it all out through your nostrils.

Rick: Ooh, that's got to hurt.

Evelyn: It's called mummification, you'll be dead when they do this.

Rick: For the record, if I don't make it out of here, don't put me down for mummification.

Jonathan: Likewise.

Winston: So, what's your little problem got to do with His Majesty's Royal Air Corps?

Rick: Not a damn thing.

Winston: Is it dangerous?

Rick: Well, you probably won't live through it.

Winston: By Jove, do you really think so?

Jonathan: Well, everybody else we've bumped into has died. Why not you?

Evelyn: You lied to me.

Jonathan: I lie to everybody. What makes you so special?

Evelyn: I am your sister.

Jonathan: Yes, well that just makes you more gullible.

Jonathan: [a scarab has just crawled under Jonathan's skin] Do something! Do something!

[Rick flicks a knife]

Jonathan: Not that! Not that!

Jonathan: [they have just walked into a large room full of gold] Can you see...

Rick: Yeah.

Jonathan: Can you believe...

Rick: Yeah.

Jonathan: Can we just...

Rick: No.

Evelyn: [Jonathan looks through the warden's pouch. Suddenly he cuts himself on something] What is it?

Jonathan: A broken bottle. Glenlivet. Twelve years old! Well, he may have been a stinky fellow, but he had good taste.

Jonathan: Well, I guess we go home empty handed. Again.

Rick: I wouldn't say that.

[Kisses Evy]

Jonathan: Oh please.

[to his camel]

Jonathan: How about you darling, would you like a little kissy-wissy?

[the camel breathes on him]

Jonathan: Whew!

Jonathan: [Trying to buy some camels from a Bedouin] I only want four! Four! I only want four, not a whole bloody herd! O'Connell! Can you believe the cheek?

Rick: Would you just pay the man!

Jonathan: Oh, for heaven's sake! Can't believe the price of these flea bags! Yes, happy. Very good.

Rick: You probably could have gotten them for free, all we had to do was give him your sister.

Jonathan: Yes. Yes. Awfully tempting, wasn't it?

Rick: [as Evelyn walks up looking beautiful in her new black clothes with a veil hiding her face except the eyes] Awf'lly...

Rick: This door doesn't open. She doesn't come out, and no one goes in.

[to Mr. Henderson]

Rick: Right?

Mr. Henderson: Right.

Rick: [to Mr. Daniels] Right?

Mr. Daniels: Right.

Rick: Let's go Jonathan.

Jonathan: Oh, well, I thought I could just stay at the fort and, uh, reconnoiter.

Rick: Now!

Jonathan: Yeah. Right. We're just gonna rescue the... Egyptologist.

Jonathan: [Jonathan hands Evy a strange box] My whole life I've never found anything, Evy. *Please* tell me I've found something.

Jonathan: [Evelyn opens the strange box, inside lies an ancient map] Jonathan?

Jonathan: Yes?

Evelyn: I think you found something.

Rick: [to Evelyn who was just attacked/almost kissed by Imhotep] You all right?

Jonathan: [standing several feet behind Rick] Well, I'm not sure.

Evelyn: [after the warden has died] What do you suppose killed him?

Jonathan: Did you ever see him eat?

Evelyn: Have you no respect for the dead?

Jonathan: Of course I do, but sometimes I'd rather like to join them.

Evelyn: Well I wish you would do it sooner rather than later before you ruin my career the way you've ruined yours.

Jonathan: [about a noise] What was that?

Rick: Sounds like... bugs.

Evelyn: [to the warden] He said 'bugs.'

Warden Gad Hassan: What do you mean bugs? I hate bugs!

Jonathan: Never did like camels. Filthy buggers. They smell, they bite, they spit.

[the warden spits]

Jonathan: Disgusting.

Jonathan: [from deleted scene]

[as they are riding on camels, Jonathan accuses the Warden of things]

Jonathan: ... and you snore.

Warden Gad Hassan: I do not snore.

Jonathan: All night you snored.

Warden Gad Hassan: Break wind, maybe, but snore? *Never*!

Jonathan: And then there was the drooling. Anyway, how would you know? You were asleep.

Jonathan: [entering Sah-Netjer] Whew! What is that god-awful stench?

[smells the Warden climbing down right behind him]

Jonathan: Oh.

Rick: [inspecting Imhotep's sarcophagus] This looks like some sort of a lock.

Jonathan: Well, whoever's in here sure wasn't getting out.

Evelyn: [upon inspecting the map to Hamunaptra] You see the cartouche there? It's the official royal seal of Seti I, I'm sure of it.

Jonathan: Two questions: Who the hell was Seti I? And was he rich?

Evelyn: He was the second pharaoh of the 19th dynasty, said to be the wealthiest pharaoh of them all.

Jonathan: That's good. I like this fellow. I like him very much.

Rick: Alex I've got a big job for you. I want you to stay here and protect the car.

Jonathan: I can do that!

Alex: Protect the car? Come on, dad. Just because I'm a kid doesn't mean I'm stupid.

Rick: I know.

Alex: [ruffles his hair] Dad!

Rick: Ehh...

Jonathan: If you see anyone come running out screaming, it's just me.

Rick: [to Jonathan about Alex] Maybe you should stay here and watch him.

Jonathan: Yes, now you're talking.

Alex: [trying to start the car] Come on, come on!

[Johnathan turns the key and breaks it off]

Alex: You broke it, you broke it, you broke it!

Jonathan: Be quiet Alex! If there's going to be any hysterics, they'll come from me!

Rick: Where the hell's Jonathon?

Evelyn: [Jonathon drives up in a double-decker bus] Alex.

Rick: What's the matter with my car?

Jonathan: Well, I was forced to find an alternative means of transportation.

Rick: A double-decker bus?

Jonathan: [pointing to Alex] It was his idea.

Alex: Was not!

Jonathan: Was too!

Rick: Just go!

Alex: Was not!

Jonathan: Was too!

Jonathan: What are we going to do? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?

Alex: You're asking me? I'm only 8 years old, for Christ's sake!

Evelyn: Jonathan.

Jonathan: Yes?

Evelyn: That's my husband and my son down there. Make me proud.

Jonathan: Today's that day, Evy.

Ardeth Bay: I am sorry if I alarmed your son. But you must understand, now that the bracelet is on his wrist, we have only seven days before the Scorpion King awakens!

Rick: We? What we?

Ardeth Bay: If he is not killed, he will raise the Army of Anubis!

Jonathan: I take it that's not a good thing?

Rick: Oh, he'll wipe out the world.

Jonathan: Ah, the old "Wipe-Out-The-World" ploy.

Rick: Okay - you're here, the bad guys are here, Evy's been kidnapped. Let me guess...

Ardeth Bay: Yes, they once again removed the creature from his grave.

Jonathan: I don't mean to point fingers, but isn't it your job to make sure that doesn't happen?

Jonathan: Pull me up. Pull me up.

[he sees the huge diamond on top of the pyramid]

Jonathan: Wait, wait. Let me down. Let me down.

Rick: It's not worth your life, you idiot.

Jonathan: Yes, it is. Yes, it is.

Jonathan: [Jonathan and Shafek are being chased by pygmies and are running into the burial ground] Look! There's a burial ground. We're safe! We're safe! See those sacred stones? They'll never cross those.

Shafek: You are sure?

Jonathan: Yes, of course I'm sure.

[a pygmy runs past and stabs Shafek. Jonathan screams]

Jonathan: Sorry. My mistake.

Jonathan: I say chaps, look at this. Shrunken heads. I'd love to know how they do that.

[Everybody looks strangely at Jonathan]

Jonathan: Just curious.

Alex: [while Jonathan is fighting Meela] Efday shokran... efday shokran... Uncle Jon! I don't know what this last symbol is!

Jonathan: What does it look like?

Alex: It's a bird - a stork!

Jonathan: [ecstatic] I know that one! I know that one!

Alex: Then what is it?

Jonathan: [struggling with Meela] Ah... Ah...!

[throws her off]

Jonathan: [triumphantly] Amenophus!

[last lines]

Izzy: Uh, that's half mine, you know.

Jonathan: What?

Izzy: [indicating the diamond] That's half mine.

Jonathan: I have no idea what you're talking about.

Izzy: What? You took my gold stick! I know you took my gold stick!

Jonathan: No, I have no id- I swear on the head of my wife I have no idea what you're talking about.

Izzy: You haven't - you ain't got a wife!

Jonathan: I haven't got your gold stick either!

[they keep arguing and their voices fade as the ship sails off into the sunset]

Rick: [Rick comes in and sees Jonathan being interrogated by thugs] Uh, hello. Jonathan, I thought I said no more wild parties.

Jonathan: Well, when you're popular...

Ardeth Bay: [as Jonathan loads his rifle] You any good with that?

Jonathan: Five times Fox and Hounds Grand Champion, I'll have you know!

[nods at Ardeth's scimitar]

Jonathan: You any good with that?

Ardeth Bay: We'll know soon enough.

[in a flash, the scimitar is in his hand, out of his belt, and the blade rests against Jonathan's neck]

Ardeth Bay: Because the only way to kill an Anubis warrior is by taking off its head.

Jonathan: [swallows] I'll remember that.

Jonathan: [after seeing Alex crying about his moms death] Try to think of it like this, Alex. She's gone to a better place. You know, like it says in the Good Book.

Alex: Book!

Jonathan: What?

Alex: That's it! That's it!

Jonathan: That's what?

Alex: [Jumps up and grabs Jonathan] Come on, Uncle Jon! Come on, come on!

Jonathan: [to Ardeth Bay] Where is all this stuff written?

Jonathan: I told you. I told you.

Meela: And your point is...?

Jonathan: My point is, I told you so you wouldn't kill me.

Meela: When did we make that arrangement?

Rick: What'd you do this time?

Jonathan: Well, I haven't done anything to anybody

[bullets fly through the door]

Jonathan: ... lately.

Jonathan: Step aside, Alex... I'm a professional.

Meela: [interrogating Jonathan] Where's your wife?

Jonathan: My wife? Oh you mean Evie, I think she went off to Baden-Baden or Tibet or something, the girl is a free spirit, did I mention I was single now?

Meela: [pulls a snake out of a basket] Egyptian Aps are quite poisonous

[one of her men holds a knife to Jonathan's throat]

Jonathan: [about the bracelet] It's downstairs in the safe the combination is 3,20,58,3,9,3 something, it's the safe downstairs I told you, I told you.

Meela: [pets and kisses the snake] And your point is?

[walks towards him and points the snake at his throat]

Jonathan: [backs away] I told you, I told you so you wouldn't kill me!

Meela: When did we make that arrangement?

[Rick enters and interrupts]

Rick: Oh hello

[sees Jonathan tied up and Meela and her men surrounding him]

Rick: Jonathan I thought I told you no more wild parties.

Jonathan: You know when you're popular.

Joey: There's one of them at the end of the hall.

Billy: Yeah?

Joey: So we make some noise and we get him in here and then we jump him.

Billy: Then what?

Joey: Billy. He's got a fucking machine gun. With a fucking machine gun we can shred these fuckers.

Jonathan: You know, this machine gun stuff must run in Mafia families.

Jonathan: Mon crayon est large.

[Jonathan has just crossed from East Berlin to West Berlin and is meeting with an American MP]

Jonathan: Am I in West Berlin now?

M.P.: You sure are.

Jonathan: [looking back at East Berlin and giving it the finger] Fuck you!

[looking back to the M.P]

Jonathan: Good night.

[heads off]

M.P.: [looking at Jonathan, then looking at East Berlin] I've been wanting to do that for the last six months.

Sasha: You must be Manolo.

Manolo: You must be Sasha.

Jonathan: You must be going.

Jonathan: I would kill or die to make love to you.

Jonathan: I don't know Manolo, I think it's hopeless. I'm never going to get laid!

Professor: Although that thought may be of great comfort to the women of the world Mr. Moore, as a future veterinarian, you should know that every dog eventually has his day.

[students laugh]

Jonathan: Oh, Dad, I'm sorry. It was in my backpack when I jumped into the moat.

Maria: You, uh, jumped into a moat?

Al: You jumped in a moat with my Nikon?

Jonathan: Yeah, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, I had to... I... it's kind of a long story.

Al: I've got all night.

Jonathan: You're right, I'm on drugs. I'm a junkie, you know, I mainline, I freebase, I put cocaine on my cornflakes...

Jonathan: [Enters West Berlin coming from East Berlin, spotting a Burger King restaurant] Now we're talkin'. God bless America!

Jonathan: [after entering] How 'bout a Whopper? No, make that a Double Whopper with American cheese. And large American french fries, and a great big American chocolate shake. Okay?

Jonathan: No sauerkraut. No schnitzel.

Al: No. And that's final!

Jonathan: Mom.

Maria: Al!

Jonathan: Cheryl Brewster. The spy from Pittsburg.

Jonathan: I'm not your type. I'm not a weirgin.

Operative: Vas is this?

Jonathan: Strudel.

Jonathan: Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir?

Paris Blond: What?

Jonathan: Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir?

Waiter: Avec de l'eau?

Jonathan: A Victor who?

Waiter: With water?

Jonathan: You still a Homeboy?

Manolo: You still a white boy? Yeah, you're in a gang, you're in a gang for life.

Jonathan: Think the Homeboys could do me a little favor?

Manolo: Yeah.

Jonathan: I thought he was KGB from Russia

Al: He's a CPA from Encino... are you Crazy?

Jonathan: Mon crayon est grand et mon crayon est jaune.

Waiter: Your pencil is big and yellow?

Jonathan: Oui!

Waiter: Nice for you.

Jonathan: Don't worry, I don't bite.

Cheryl: I don't mind biting. Oh, my God. I can't believe I just said that. I'm so sorry. I've been on my own for a little while.

Jonathan: ...Is Israel governed by a king, Father, or by the whims of a senile old prophet?

Saul: You cannot have the one without the other.

Jonathan: And who's to say that Samuel is not a false prophet?

Saul: If Samuel is a false prophet, I'm a false king. It was Samuel who annointed me, even as he has rejected me.

Jonathan: The people still look to you as their king, Father. They have not rejected you.

Saul: ...What was his name? The man who wrestled with me until daybreak.

Abner: What man, My Lord?

Jonathan: It was only a dream, Father.

Saul: Well, if it was a dream, send in my musician; let me dream on.

Saul: ...Hear how Jonathan warbles in praise of the cuckoo bird, David, who has fed from my table and now lies with my daughter... David has robbed me of my God, my people, even my children. What else can he take but my crown...? So long as David lives, neither I nor Jonathan nor the throne shall be safe... Samuel anointed him in my place! David! The boy I trusted and loved as my own son.

Jonathan: Then be glad of it! Give thanks that the future of Israel belongs to a man worthy of your love.

[Saul throws a javelin, just missing him]

David: Come with me to the sanctuary at Nob. We have a covenant of friendship between us.

Jonathan: I also have a covenant of honor between my father and myself. I would lay down my life for you willingly, but I cannot break faith with my father *or* with you. You have the love of One far greater than I

[the Lord of Hosts]

Jonathan: to care for you. My father has no one.

Jonathan: [shortly before Saul's last stand at Mount Gilboa] David is not among the enemy, Father. It's not your honor that's at stake. It's the lives of our men.

Saul: I will ride out against the Philistines. If I ride alone, so be it.

Nathan: [rallying the Israelite troops while preparing to offer a sacrifice] Rouse yourselves in anger! Lay nations at our feet! Whet your flashing swords! Make your arrows drunk with blood!

Saul: [cutting in] My Lord, *I* am your sacrifice.

Nathan: This day, you will surely die.

Saul: Then my prayer will be answered at last.

Nathan: The Lord scorns your prayers. He has utterly rejected you.

Saul: And Samuel, too. And Abraham and Isaac and Jacob! Even David will be forsaken at the end, for in death, we are all cut off from God's care. What purpose, then, in serving Him? He wrestles with man for the nighttime of his life, but at daybreak, He is gone.

[calling out]

Saul: Who marches with the king and his sons?

Jonathan: Hey, isn't this breaking and entering?

Freddy: We didn't break anything, fatso, so who cares if we enter?

Jonathan: And, just for you, my friend, I've got two, I say two, fake barfs... and one with peas and carrots!

Jonathan: Are these monsters gonna kill me?

Dracula: Not as long as they think you're a monster.

Jonathan: That's kinda racist.

Jonathan: I'm Dracula, Bleh, bleh-bleh!

Dracula: I've never said that in my life. 'Bleh, bleh-bleh.' I don't know where that comes from!

Jonathan: Uh, can I just ask? What exactly is this place?

Dracula: What is this place? It's a place I built, for all those monsters out there lurking in the shadows. Hiding from the persecution of human kind. A for them and their families to come to and be themselves. A void of torches, pitchforks, angry mobs. A place of peace, relaxation, and tranquility.

Jonathan: Cool, so it's like a hotel for monsters?

Dracula: [irritated] Yes, exactly. A hotel for monsters, way to sum it up.

Jonathan: [on opposite sides of an airplane window] Drac, I can't understand you!

Dracula: What? My hands in a tan shoe?

Jonathan: Yeah, well, I was afraid your dad was gonna suck all the blood out of my body if I didn't say that.

Dracula: I wouldn't have... No, he's right, I would have done that.

Mavis: Dad.

Dracula: I was wrong, Devil-chops.

Mavis: Uhm... who is that?

Dracula: Who was what?

Jonathan: [groans]

Dracula: Oh that. That is ahh... nobody.

Mavis: Seriously dad?

Jonathan: Dad?

Mavis: Yeah, I know Dracula's daughter. Everyone freaks out at first.

Jonathan: Dracula?

Jonathan: Look at me, I'm a Frankenhomie!

Dracula: [holding Jonathan and looking at Mavis] Someone closer to your age, help plan the party.

Mavis: [looking at Jonathan] You're my age!

Jonathan: Sure, oh, well, how old are you?

Mavis: 118.

Jonathan: 100 and...

[Dracula elbows Jonathan in the stomach]

Jonathan: Yeah, I'm 121.

Mavis: Really?

Mavis: You sure? It'll be fun.

Jonathan: Ok.

[Giving a Speech in a Gay Bar]

Dai: I've had a lot of new experiences during this strike. Speaking in public, standing on a picket line, And now I'm in a gay bar.

Jonathan: Well, if you don't like it, you can go home.

Dai: As a matter of fact, I do like it.

[Crowd Ooh's]

Dai: Beer's a bit expensive, mind.

[Crowd Laughs]

Dai: But, really, there's only one difference between this and a bar in South Wales. The women. They're a lot more feminine in here.

[the Crowd Laughs and Cheers]

Dai: What I'd really like to say to you tonight is thank you. If you're one of the people that's put money in these buckets, if you've supported LGSM, then thank you, because what you've given us is more than money. It's friendship. When you're in a battle against an enemy so much bigger, so much stronger than you, well, to find out you had a friend you never knew existed, well, that's the best feeling in the world. So, thank you.

[the Crowd Applauds and Cheers Dai and LGSM]

[while Dancing in the Lodge in Dulais]

Jonathan: God! I miss disco!

Reggie: Nobody said anything about hiding who we are.

Mark: Yes, they did. You.

Reggie: I just think if everybody takes it easy on the...

Ray: Flamboyance.

Reggie: We're more likely to fit in.

Jonathan: I'm sorry, just to be clear, when you say "flamboyance", you mean gay. And when you say "everyone", you mean me.

Mark: Jonathan.

Jonathan: Good. It's just I haven't spoken 1950s in quite a while.

[Explaining Why Lee and Carl Have Been Illegally Arrested]

Jonathan: A police officer has the right to stop you if - that's the important word here - *if* he has reasonable grounds to believe a crime is gonna be committed.

Dai: Are you absolutely sure about this?

Jonathan: Police harassment, dear. I could set it to music.

Sian: And if he does?

Jonathan: Then he must formally charge you within 24 hours of that arrest. But reasonable grounds means concrete evidence that can stand up in court. It doesn't mean he doesn't like the look of you. That's the same whether you're standing on a picket line or trolling down Clapham High Street in full drag.

[Snooping Around Jonathan and Gethin's Spare Room]

Hefina: What I want to know is...

[Pulls Out a Pink Dildo]

Hefina: What's this?

[Hefina, Sian, Margaret, Gwen and Gail All Start Laughing]

Sian: Hefina! Put That Back Immediately!

Hefina: That's nothing. Here, look what else I've found.

Margaret: You never went under his bed!

[Pulls Out a Gay Porno Mag, Women Start Laughing Harder]

Hefina: When was the last time you saw anything like that, huh? When? When?

[Cut to Gethin and Jonathan Trying to Sleep in Their Room, Women Hysterically Laughing Coming in from the Other Room]

Jonathan: Don't those women ever sleep?

[Cut Back to The Women in The Spare Room]

Hefina: Jesus God that takes me back!

[Hysterical Laughter Continues]

Bromley: They called us perverts.

Mark: Bromley, it's time for an important part of your education. Hands up, in this room, if you've ever been called a name like that.

[all the guys raise their hands]

Mark: Now, there is a long and honorable tradition in the gay community and it has stood us in good stead for a very long time. When somebody calls you a name... am I right Jonathan?

Jonathan: Dead right.

Mark: You take it and own it.

Bromley: Just for future reference... my name is Joe!

Jonathan: You tell him, Bromley.

Jonathan: His friends would say stop whining, they've had enough of that. / His friends would say stop pining, there's other girls to look at. / They've tried to set him up with Tiffany and Indigo, / But there's something about Mary that they don't know. / Mary, there's just something about Mary.

Jonathan: Maybe the absence of signs is a sign.

Sara: You don't have to understand. You just have to have faith.

Jonathan: Faith in what?

Sara: Destiny

Jonathan: This is the ultimate blend to drink. How'd you find this place?

Sara: I first came in because of the name: Serendipity. It's one of my favorite words.

Jonathan: It is? Why?

Sara: It's such a nice sounding word for what it means: a fortunate accident.

Sara: Okay. Favorite movie.

Jonathan: The correct answer is Cool Hand Luke.

Sara: I've never seen it.

Jonathan: Oh, come on. You've never seen Cool Hand Luke? Paul Newman? Oh my god. Come on! "Failure to communicate." Sadistic cop in sunglasses with no name. Reminds me of you in that way.

Sara: Um, favorite New York moment.

Jonathan: This one's climbing the charts.

Jonathan: Let's go do something.

Sara: Alright, what d'ya wanna do?

Jonathan: I don't care.

Sara: Alright, come on.

[at Bloomingdale's]

Jonathan: Happy anniversary.

Sara: When did you get to be so unimaginably romantic?

Jonathan: I think that it's good luck that we return this year to the scene of the crime.

[pours a paper cup of champagne]

Jonathan: Cheers.

Sara: Cheers.

Bloomingdale's Salesman: Oh, I don't think so, no beverages on the premises, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

Jonathan: Hey, how are you doing? Don't you remember me?

Bloomingdale's Salesman: Yes I do.

Jonathan: This is her, This is the girl!

Bloomingdale's Salesman: Ms. Carbon-copy.

Jonathan: Yes.

Bloomingdale's Salesman: I see.

Jonathan: This is the guy who helped me find you!

Sara: Oh, hi!

Bloomingdale's Salesman: If you're not going to purchase anything, please make room for paying customers.

Jonathan: We do, we want some gloves, some cashmere gloves.

[closing bell rings]

Bloomingdale's Salesman: Oh, I'm sorry, that would be the closing bell. Perhaps tomorrow...

Sara: You're not serious...

Bloomingdale's Salesman: Store hours 10 to 7 except Sundays and holidays.

Jonathan: He warms up...

Bloomingdale's Salesman: At the discretion of management or with the possible visit of dignitaries...

[Sara goes behind the counter]

Bloomingdale's Salesman: No, no, no, no, please, on the other side of the counter! You cannot come back here, this is for authorized personnel only, please stay on your side of the counter, thank you very much!

Jonathan: I hope you enjoy the gloves you bought yourself.

Sara: Oh, I'm sure I will, I usually enjoy my own thoughtfulness.

Jonathan: So are you gonna meet your boyfriend now or what?

Sara: No, I think he's out probably doing what you're doing.

Jonathan: Getting a crush on somebody else's girlfriend? No, I'm sorry, I just meant I had a really nice time. You know, maybe you should give me your phone number. Just in case.

Sara: In case of what?

Jonathan: In case of life. I just had a really great time and for all we know I wouldn't be able to find you again.

Sara: Well, if we're meant to meet again, we'll meet again. it's just not the right time now.

Jonathan: Maybe we're supposed to meet on British time and we're five hours too early.

Jonathan: Maybe I am just getting cold feet.

Dean: I'm telling you right now British women do not age well. Eight years ago she was a luscious treat, you know, she probably looked like, you know, Baby Spice, now she could look like...

Jonathan: Old Spice.

Jonathan: Forget about privacy laws. You know what privacy laws do?

Leasing Office Temp: No.

Jonathan: They protect millionaires. You know who those millionaires are?

Leasing Office Temp: Who?

Jonathan: Tell him who they are. Tell him.

Dean: Kids your age. Pimple-faced college drop outs who have made unhealthy sums of money forming internet companies that create no concrete products, provide no viable services, and still manage to generate profits for all of its lazy day-trading son-of-a bitch shareholders. Meanwhile, as a tortured member of the disenfranchised proletariat, you find some altruistic need to protect these digital plantation-owners?

Jonathan: [reacting to Dean's speech] Wow!

[to Temp]

Jonathan: Come on.

Dean: You're the shit!

[man next to him on plane looks over at him thinking he's talking to him]

Jonathan: [to the guy] That would be me, the shit.

Dean: What's wrong? You all right?

Jonathan: Her name's Sara Thomas.

[Jonathan hands Dean the book]

Dean: How?

Jonathan: Halley gave it to me as a wedding present.

Jonathan: [man takes black cashmire gloves] Whoa, whoa, whoa, sir, there are ours.

Customer at Bloomingdale's: Oh, your gloves? Well how come, I mean, they're just sorta hanging there. Sleeping with their little price tag on

Jonathan: We were just discussing them. This is uhh...

Customer at Bloomingdale's: Well I have news for you, you can go on discussing them long after I've paid for them.

Jonathan: Listen, just calm down, all right. Just calm down.

Customer at Bloomingdale's: [to Sara] It's 5 days before Christmas and I'm in the middle of a New York department store and he's asking me to calm down?

Jonathan: Listen these were meant to be a very special gift for someone.

Sara: Yeah, we've put quite a lot of thought into those.

Customer at Bloomingdale's: Aww, is that right? Well, who were they for?

Jonathan: [says simultaneously with Sara] My girlfriend. Her boyfriend.

Sara: [says simultaneously with Jon] My boyfriend. His girlfriend.

Customer at Bloomingdale's: One pair of gloves for two people?

Jonathan: This is hard to explain.

Customer at Bloomingdale's: Try.

Jonathan: [to Sara] All right, go ahead.

Sara: Oh, uh, well he is at the present time my boyfriend...

Jonathan: ...but in 18 months...

Sara: ...after the operation

Jonathan: ...he will be...

Sara: ...she will be...

Jonathan: ...my girlfriend. Do you understand?

Jonathan: You are a strange and interesting woman.

[Jonathan is trying to get Sara's information from her old Bloomingdale's account]

Jonathan: Would $20 help?

Bloomingdale's Salesman: It might if I were a health inspector.

Jonathan: It's like Halley is "The Godfather Part 2".

Dean: She's what?

Jonathan: "The Godfather Part 2"! That was an incredible movie. Might be better than the original, alright? But don't matter how much you love "The Godfather Part 2", you still have to see the original to understand and appreciate the sequel.

Jonathan: Happy Anniversary.

Sara: When did you get to be so UNABASHEDLY romantic?

Jonathan: I think that it's good luck that we return this year to the scene of the crime.

[Jon referring to Halley hitting the Smoke Detector with some blunt object]

Jonathan: Don't hit it with the thing!

[coming out of the elevator]

Jonathan: Easy Felix. I don't think she's armed!

Jonathan: A radio shrink? They're only good for people with problems that fit between the commercials.

Jonathan: [drives up to convenience store] I'm going in for a Vitamin Water, should I make that dos?

Denise: No, I'm good, thanks.

Jonathan: Well, maybe I'll pick up a box of dong bags so we can knock boots later.

Jonathan: Is that Sully? Babe I gotta go say what up to Sully.

Denise: Okay

Jonathan: Hey Sullivan, you chode! I owe you a shot in the nuts...

Jonathan: Looks like you got stood up, huh?

Rod Kimble: No, she's coming.

Jonathan: Okay.

[stifles laugh]

Jonathan: I'm a vegetarian.

Alex: You're a what?

Jonathan: I don't eat meat.

Alex: How can you not eat meat?

Jonathan: I just don't.

Alex: [to Grandfather, in Russian] He says he does not eat meat.

Grandfather: [to Alex, in Russian] What?

Alex: No meat?

Jonathan: No meat.

Alex: Steak?

Jonathan: No...

Alex: Chickens!

Jonathan: No...

Alex: And what about the sausage?

Jonathan: No, no sausage, no meat!

Alex: [to Grandfather, in Russian] He says he does not eat any meat.

Grandfather: [to Alex, in Russian] Not even sausage?

Alex: [to Grandfather, in Russian] I know!

Grandfather: [to Alex, in Russian] What is wrong with him?

Alex: What is wrong with you?

Jonathan: Nothing, I just don't eat meat!

Alex: You make sex often with American girl?

Jonathan: Not really.

Alex: What is mean by "not really?"

Jonathan: I'm not a priest, but I'm not John Holmes either.

Alex: I have heard of this John Holmes. He has premium penis.

Jonathan: Yes, he did.

Alex: Everyne in Ukraine has penis like that.

Jonathan: Even the women?

Alex: You make joke, yes?

Jonathan: Yes.

Jonathan: I'm distressed by dogs.

Alex: [in Russian to Grandfather] He is afraid of dogs.

Grandfather: [in Russian to Alex] Bullshit. No one is afraid of dogs.

Alex: How much currency would a first-rate accountant receive in America?

Jonathan: I don't know, a lot, probably, if he or she is good.

Alex: She?

Jonathan: Or he.

Alex: Are there Negro accountants?

Jonathan: Yes, there are *African American* accountants, but you don't want to use that word.

Alex: And homosexual accountants?

Jonathan: There are homosexual *everythings*. There are homosexual garbage men.

Alex: [shocked] And how much currency would a Negro homosexual accountant receive?

Jonathan: You really shouldn't use that word.

Alex: Which word?

Jonathan: The N-word. It's not *the* N-word, but...

Alex: Negro?

Jonathan: Yeah, that one.

Alex: But I dig them all the way. They are premium people.

[after an old man gives them directions, Jonathan hands him a pack of cigarettes]

Alex: What are you doing?

Jonathan: For helping us.

Alex: What?

Jonathan: Well, I read in my guidebook that you can't find Marlboro cigarettes here so you should take them everywhere as tips.

Grandfather: [In Ukrainian]

[to the man]

Grandfather: He doesn't eat meat.

Alex: Jonfen. What you said at the hotel about Ukrainians before the war.

Jonathan: Yeah?

Alex: Do you think it's possible that my grandfather, he...

[Very long silence]

Jonathan: Your shirt's inside out.

Alex: What?

Jonathan: Your shirt's inside out.

Alex: What does it mean, inside out?

Jonathan: Nothing. It's just that the inside of your shirt is on the outside and the outside is on...

Alex: [stares at him, uncomprehendingly]

Jonathan: ...Forget it.

Alex: This is not so unusual.

Jonathan: What?

Alex: Not knowing.

[as they drive by an abandoned, half-destroyed apartment building]

Jonathan: What is it?

Alex: Soviets.

Jonathan: What happened?

Alex: [pause] Independence.

Alex: Please tell me, is the Shaq also the Jew?

Jonathan: Who?

Alex: The Shaqweel O'Neal, the Los Angeles Laker.

Jonathan: Uh, no.

Alex: And Michael Jackson?

Jonathan: [Scoffs] *No*, definitely not a Jew.

Jonathan: [after Alex asks why he collects family artifacts] I don't know, why does anybody do anything? It's just... something to do.

Jonathan: I'm sorry. It was a lousy thing to do. But I was just so humiliated I just had to kill myself.

Ellen: Have you ever been in love?

Jonathan: I was kind'a fond of that hundred dollar bill.

Jonathan: Cut it out!

Skip: I'm gonna kick your fuckin' ass!

Jonathan: Why am I such a turd?

Jonathan: You're asking me, the turd?

Ellen: Well, you look like a pretty... sensitive turd to me.

Jonathan: One thing I don't need right now is the world according to Skippy here. Do us both a favour, huh? Just shut up.

Skip: Ok, Mr. Depth. Wallow in it.

Jonathan: Hey, I got it, I'll drop dead. Wouldn't that be nice, huh? I could shoot myself. No, you shoot me and mount my head on the wall next to the moose. You could stretch the panties between my ears. Come on, you'd love that.

Jonathan: This was a quiet town before you came. Disgusting town, but quiet.

Jonathan: Well, I couldn't leave him in town; he tends to tell to tell the truth. He's an alcoholic, you know.

Jonathan: ...And waves are crazy. I mean, being controlled by the moon, it's totally nuts.

Jonathan: Jonathan -Books are cool.

Jonathan: Sarah -They are cool.

Lucien: So what was the Bet?

Jonathan: If the bugs won, I could shove a burrito in your face.

Lucien: Well you know the last time you lost, I was supposed to get to piss on your foot, but I never did.

Jonathan: What you waiting for? You want to piss on my foot, be my guest.

Lucien: Hey Neil!

Neil: Yeah?

Lucien: Want to see me piss on his foot?

Neil: Uh, sure, yeah... Just not in the store.

Jonathan: Did she have any wild mood swings?

Neil: No, she was... she was, you know, she was pretty consistently out there.

Jonathan: Yeah alright then, she's not bi-polar.

Jonathan: Nobody comes out to see these local bands. These are shitty bands, man. Who wants to watch a bunch of high school metal heads with names like "Shittin' Bricks" and "Trojan Whores"?

Neil: "Trojan Whores"?

Jonathan: Yeah

Neil: I like that.

Hyrum: Jon, we need you to give us a ride.

Jonathan: I can't, I have a gig in, like, five minutes.

Hyrum: Come on, man, it's just to the stake center.

Jonathan: Why can't Zak take you.

Dallin: He took his car bungee jumping.

Jonathan: Well, when will he be back?

Eldon: No, you don't understand. He took his CAR bungee-jumping.

Cammie: So you brought the fried chicken?

Jonathan: Yes, it's a family recipe. It's been in my family for years.

Cammie: Nice try, I worked at KFC for two summers during high school.

Jonathan: Oh yeah, sure! Let's make fun of the *Mormons*!

Jonathan: So, Ash - you still pissing the bed at night?

Ashton: You know I stopped that! A year... three years ago! No, two years ago!

Jonathan: Well don't - watersports can be hot!

Jonathan: Seriously - I thought liquor got better with age. It just turns into bottled death.

Gautam Rao: Jagjit Singh?

Jagjit: Here.

Gautam Rao: "Onathan" Scott?

Jonathan: It's Jonathan. "Juh"

Gautam Rao: What happened to the silent "J"?

Jonathan: It's not silent!

Gautam Rao: I swear that there are more exceptions than rules in the English grammar.

Bobbie: The reason I sleep all day is because I can't stand my life!

Jonathan: What life?

Bobbie: Sleeping all day!

Jonathan: You want a job? I got a job for you. Fix up this pigsty! You get a pretty Goddammed good salary for testing out this bed all day! You want an extra fifty dollars a week, try vacuuming! You want an extra hundred, make this Goddammed bed! Try opening some Goddammed windows! That's why you can't stand up in here, the Goddammed place smells like a coffin!

Jonathan: What are you crying for? It wasn't a Lassie story.

[first lines]

Jonathan: If you had a choice...

Sandy: Yeah?

Jonathan: Would you rather love a girl, or have her love you?

Sandy: I want it mutual.

Jonathan: I mean if you couldn't have it mutual.

Sandy: You mean would I rather be the one who loves, or is loved?

Jonathan: Yeah.

Sandy: It's not that easy a question. But, I think I'd rather be in love.

Jonathan: Me too.

Jonathan: Is this an ultimatum? Answer me, you ball-busting, castrating, son of a cunt bitch! Is this an ultimatum or not?

Sandy: Looks aren't everything, you know.

Jonathan: Believe me, looks are everything.

Bobbie: I need a life.

Jonathan: Get a job!

Bobbie: I don't want a job. I want you.

Jonathan: I'm taken, by me. Get out of the house, do something useful, Goddammit.

Jonathan: Sandy, do you wanna get laid?

Sandy: Please.

Jonathan: Talk about the pot and the kettle. When I caught wind of your checkered past, I felt like a celibate.

Bobbie: You made me tell you.

Jonathan: Sure. I twisted your arm.

Bobbie: It got you hot!

Jonathan: Something has to.

[last lines]

Jonathan: I'm not kind.

Louise: I don't mean "weak" kind the way so many men are. I mean the kindness that comes from enormous strength, from an inner power so strong that every act, no matter what, is more proof of that power. That's what all women resent. That's why they try to cut you down, because your knowledge of yourself and them is so right, so true, that it exposes the lies by which they, every scheming one of them, live by. It takes a true woman to understand that the purest form of love is of a man who denies himself to her, of a man who inspires worship, because he has no need for any woman. Because he has himself, and who is better, more beautiful, more powerful, more perfect... you're getting hard... more strong, more masculine, more extraordinary, more... bust. It's rising, it's rising... more virile, domineering. More irresistible. It's up, it's in the air...

Jonathan: Alright, where the fuck is my shoehorn? This place is a mess! There's not any food in the house, half the time you look like you fell out of bed! You spend more time in bed than any other human being past the age of 6 months than I ever heard of!

Jonathan: Do you always answer a question with a question?

Susan: Do you always date your best friend's girlfriend?

Jonathan: Why don't you leave me?... For God's sake, I'd almost marry you if you'd leave me.

Jonathan: Women today are better-hung than the men.

Jonathan: At one time, it was great what we had... the kidding around. It can't have a natural time span. Affairs can't dissolve in a good way. There's always got to be poison. I don't see why, I really don't see why!

Bobbie: Marry me, Jonathan! Please, please!

Jonathan: You're trying to kill me.

Jonathan: [Yelling] Very slick! Very clever! But it's not going to work, Bobbie!

Jonathan: [caught masturbating] You don't need to clean here.

Emelia: Are you sure? It's pretty dirty form where I'm standing. Filthy actually.

Jonathan: It takes years to write a great novel.

Joa: And it takes you just as long to write a shit one!

Emelia: So, tell me about the cliff house. I want to know everything.

Jonathan: Mm. There's not much to tell. I came over here to go to Cambridge. Saw a beautiful young actress in a touring play, and whisked her away to the cliff house. Just for the weekend. Really just ignorance at 22. Struck gold. And now it hangs around my neck, drawn to me with its excess.

Emelia: Yeah... I meant the house. Like the actual building. Is it Victorian?

Joa: [laughing uncontrollably]

Jonathan: Why are you being so cruel and childish.

Emelia: Because I *am* a child. I'm best friends with your daughter, in case you had'nt noticed.

Jonathan: Emelia, we don't need to do this.

Emelia: I can't do this to Beth any more. And I hate you for being able to.

Jonathan: They don't want us to be really educated. If we learn in Afrikaans, we have no future!

Jonathan: See, Dr Figure was a no-medication type of guy and all the hard core suicidals in his group - now including myself - had agreed not to kill or harm themselves before January 1st. I mean, can you imagine someone dead, hanging from the light fixture in their room, thinking, If my doctor finds out about this, I'm FUCKED."

Rachel Row: Why do you want to die?

Jonathan: I don't want to die, I just don't want to be alive.

Dr. Figure: What would you do if you were allowed home for the afternoon?

Jonathan: [inhales] Get a decent cup of coffee then I'd chop me head off with a chainsaw.

Dr. Figure: Okay. Uh - uh, just one thing. I wanted to propose something. It's like a pledge between doctor and patient. We nominate a day, like three weeks from now - like New Year's Day - and you mustn't harm yourself until that day. You have to stick to it. What do you think about that?

Jonathan: Yeah, I think it's a fuckin' ridiculous idea.

Dr. Figure: It's been known to work.

Jonathan: It won't work.

Dr. Figure: Might. Why don't you think about it?

Jonathan: Okay, hang on.

[sarcastically]

Jonathan: Um, I've thought about it. Fuck, you made a medical breakthrough. Well done, Doc.

Dr. Figure: Okay, well, we'll talk about it more after the session.

Jonathan: Well, you've given me the will to live and I want to thank you for that.

Dr. Figure: Then, after that, I will show you the benefits of being more sparing with your sarcasm. Okay? See ya.

Jonathan: Fuck you.

[leaves]

[after Toby has killed himself]

Jonathan: You can never really know what was going through a person's mind at that exact moment. If they survive, they'll never tell you. If they succeed, all you can do is spend the rest of your life feeling guilty. You're only concern can be for the people they leave behind. They're the ones to look out for.

Jonathan: I know more about the business of suicide in my baby finger, than you do in all your years of training and Freud reading. I gurran-fuckin'-tee ya that.

Rachel Row: It's beautiful here.

Jonathan: Can't take all this on your own.

Rachel Row: So you are all good now? Too many near death experiences you are beginning to think twice.

Jonathan: You wanna know the truth? If it's a matter of life and death between people like you and me, then I want to outlive you. And I want to see what happens to you. 'Cause I like ya.

Rachel Row: I don't know.

Jonathan: What if we are still together in a year?

Rachel Row: Would we be?

Jonathan: I can see it happening.

Rachel Row: I don't know. So do you think you love me?

Jonathan: I know I love you.

Jonathan: You have the freedom to be yourself, your true self, here and now - and nothing can stand in your way!

Jonathan: Listen, everybody! There's no limit to how high we can fly! We can dive for fish and never have to live on garbage again!

Jonathan: The only true law is that which sets us free.

Jonathan: I want to fly where no seagull has flow before. I want to know what there is to know about life!

Father, Mother: Son, this may not be the best life, but it's all we know.

Jonathan: There's got to be more to life than fighting for fish heads!

Jonathan: I only wish to share what I've learned - the very simple fact that it is right for a gull to fly!

[after Warren and Jonathan scare the group]

Daniel: I knew it was you guys all along.

Jonathan: Oh come on Dan you were more freaked out than the girls.

Daniel: I just wasn't sure it was you.

Jonathan: So you peed your pants to play it safe, huh?

Jonathan: It looks like Jeannie has just been outed from her bottle.

Jonathan: I'm five seconds away from calling the gay task force and letting them know that Birkenstocks will soon be replaced by Jimmy Choo's.

Alex: You realize the irony on this of course. You trick Kenny into losing a lot of weight so you'll have this really hot boyfriend...

Jonathan: ...and then he becomes too hot to handle.

Nora Blaine: You speak with considerable authority about sin. Are you, by chance, a preacher?

Jonathan: I am a duly ordained minister, young woman.

Nora Blaine: Is it not as much your duty to prevent sin as cast it out?

Jonathan: Such is the will of the Lord.

Nora Blaine: Then, if you will, we'd like you to marry us.