John Gustafson Quotes in Grumpy Old Men (1993)

John Gustafson: [Bragging about his sexual escapades] I've laid more pipe in this town than Wabasha Plumbing.

Max Goldman: Good morning, dickhead.

John Gustafson: Hello, moron.

Max Goldman: You know what Jacob said? Jacob said old Billy Hensel was killed in a car crash. Cleared his car straight off the bridge into the Mississippi.

John Gustafson: Lucky bastard.

Max Goldman: You bet.

John Gustafson: Hey, how is he, anyway?

Max Goldman: Dead! Died on impact!

John Gustafson: Jacob, moron, Jacob!

John Gustafson: You're supposed to be smoking filter cigarettes.

Grandpa Gustafson: I'm 94 years old. What the hell do I care?

Ariel Truax: John, when was the last time you made love?

John Gustafson: October 4th... 1978.

Ariel Truax: Oh, I think we're safe.

Max Goldman: Who's the guy yakkin' at your door?

John Gustafson: Just mind your own business, will ya?

Max Goldman: Mind your own business, will ya? Mind your own business. Why don't you tie your shoelace, you'll fall on your stupid head.

Max Goldman: You're trying to steal her away like you did Mae.

John Gustafson: Oh, well, I'll remind you, Einstein, that Mae was no prize.

Max Goldman: She was to me.

John Gustafson: I was married to the woman for 20 years, she was no prize!

Max Goldman: She was to me.

John Gustafson: Well, that's why you're a moron! If you'd had Mae you wouldn't have had Amy! And Amy was a good woman!

Max Goldman: She was the best.

John Gustafson: Yeah, and she was a darned sight more loyal than Mae ever was!

Max Goldman: Yeah!

John Gustafson: Yeah.

Max Goldman: What?

John Gustafson: What?

Max Goldman: Huh?

John Gustafson: Huh?

John Gustafson: What...?

[Both forget what they were arguing about]

Ariel Truax: [John is showing Ariel some family pictures] And these two little guys?

John Gustafson: Oh! That's me and the moron.

Ariel Truax: Is that Max?

John Gustafson: Of course it's Max. He's ugly isn't he?

Ariel Truax: Aw, you mean you were friends?

John Gustafson: I was 10, and didn't know any better.

Ariel Truax: What makes two men spend most of their lives fighting?

John Gustafson: Oh? Guess.

Ariel Truax: A woman!

[John nods]

Ariel Truax: How romantic.

John Gustafson: No, it wasn't romantic at all.

John Gustafson: Ohh you don't know a damn things about me...

Ariel Truax: I do too! And I also know the only thing in life, that you regret, are the risks that you don't take.

Ariel Truax: Gay or straight?

John Gustafson: Huh?

Ariel Truax: Heterosexual or homosexual?

John Gustafson: Geez Louise!

Ariel Truax: Well, it's a perfectly legitimate question.

John Gustafson: Well, maybe in California, but here in Minnesota... Who-ho-ho-ho!

Max Goldman: Did you win the Lottery Dickhead?

John Gustafson: Enjoy your shower Smart Ass?

John Gustafson: We did the horizontal mambo.

John Gustafson: Moron!

Max Goldman: Putz!

Max Goldman: John! John! Are you dead?

John Gustafson: Not yet. But I don't want to die looking at your ugly face.

John Gustafson: I hit the cans again!

Chuck: I heard. How is the Grinch today?

John Gustafson: Ain't got a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out.

Grandpa Gustafson: [speaking of Ariel] Did you mount her?

John Gustafson: [disgusted] Oh, *Dad*!

Grandpa Gustafson: Wait, wait. Has she got big thighs?

John Gustafson: [thinking] No.

Grandpa Gustafson: No!? Then what's the problem?

John Gustafson: ...very interesting woman.

Jacob: Sounds like a wacko to me.

John Gustafson: I haven't had sex for fifteen years.

John Gustafson: The sequence where Max is pushing John's ice shanty onto the thin ice, Jack Lemmon uses exactly the same dialog that he uses with the character of Max in The Great Race.

John Gustafson: Pop, I wish you'd try the low-fat bacon.

Grandpa Gustafson: Well, you can wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which gets filled first.

Grandpa: I'm done.

John Gustafson: Pop, I really wish you'd try the low fat bacon...

Grandpa: Well you can wish in one hand and crap in the other, and see which gets filled first!

[after Ariel kicks John out, and Max won't let him spend the night]

John Gustafson: I'm cold.

Max Goldman: [hands him some matches] Here's some matches. Set yourself on fire.

John Gustafson: Here, drop anchor.

Max Goldman: You cut the anchor you dumb ass.

John Gustafson: Alright, then grab the net.

Max Goldman: You cut that too you dick head.

John Gustafson: This milk has chunks in it.

Max Goldman: What's your point?

John Gustafson: I am going down and apologizing to Maria.

Max Goldman: You traitor, you Benedict Arnold.

John Gustafson: Yeah, yeah.

Max Goldman: Finally. I didn't think he would last that long.

[Grabs milk and smells it]

Max Goldman: Smells alright to me.

John Gustafson: You won't even know I'm here.

Max Goldman: That's because you won't be here.