John Biebe Quotes in Mystery, Alaska (1999)

Donna Biebe: Every ex-player turned coach says that they prefer coaching over playing. Why would they all say that?

John Biebe: Because they can't play.

[Mr. Walsh is shot]

John Biebe: You okay?

Mr. Walsh: No, I'm not okay! Do I look okay? The fucker shot me! What the fuck-ass fuck of a bum-fuck shithole town is this? I make a business call. I give him my card. And the hick-ass fucker shoots my foot off! Cock-fucking shit!

John Biebe: Women don't like being referred to as fat mammals, Skank.

'Skank' Marden: I never would've said that to her face!

[John is jealous after seeing his wife and Charles Danner laughing together in the stands, while John was busy trying to coach the team. Donna doesn't understand why he is upset]

Donna Biebe: John?

John Biebe: You've been smilin' a lot lately.

Donna Biebe: [smiling, still puzzled] Excuse me?

John Biebe: Ever since he came back. Charlie. You been smilin' a little more.

Donna Biebe: [finally understanding] John. That was high school.

[He walks a few steps, kicking the snow to reveal the frozen pond below. Then he kicks at the ice again and speaks metaphorically]

John Biebe: This is not a pond!

John Biebe: [Trying to get Tree to hit him] "You look like the back end of a moose! Sasquatch!"

'Tree' Lane: [Finally gets annoyed and hits John Biebe, knocking him flat on his back]

Police dispatcher: police radio: Johnny?

John Biebe: into radio: Yeah?

Police dispatcher: There's a helicopter hovering over town hall. Looks Russian.