John Quotes in I Am Number Four (2011)


John Quotes:

  • John: Six, Sam is coming with us.

    Number 6: What? No way!

    John: He's one of us now. We need to find his father.

    [there is a slight pause]

    Number 6: [to Sam] You slow us down, I'll shoot you myself.

    Sam: And I believe you. Can we go now?

  • John: [Reaching for book] What's this?

    Sarah: Umm... That is kind of private, actually.

    John: It's amazing!

    Sarah: Ok, that's enough.

    John: [Flipping through book] What, you're allowed to look at everyone else-take our pictures- and we're not allowed see you?


    John: Seems like you want to run away.

    Sarah: Just be happy when I can get out of here.

    John: I don't know - been to a lot of places...

    Sarah: You don't have to give me that "there's no place like home" speech, I've heard it.

    John: No, No - You can go wherever you want. See whatever you want to but, um... a place is only as good as the people you know in it. I... I think this is a pretty good place.

  • Henri: [quizzing John on their cover story] What's your name?

    John: John Smith.

    Henri: Where are you from?

    John: Toronto.

    Henri: Seem kinda tan for Toronto.

    John: Santa Fe, New Mexico. I know the drill, okay?

    Henri: [holding a cell phone] Keep this on you, I'll call you every hour. You don't pick up, I'll know something's wrong.

    John: Every *hour*?

    Henri: That, or you can homeschool, and I'll be your teacher.

  • Sam: Raided lost and found.

    [tosses him a gaudy sweater]

    Sam: Nobody loses anything cool.

    John: You gotta be kidding me.

    Sam: Dude, it was that or the Hannah Montana sweatshirt. You got off easy.

  • John: You have no idea of what I'm capable of.

  • John: [trying to convince Henri to allow him to keep a dog] Come on! Another pair of eyes and ears watching the house? I'm going to need somebody to talk to.

    Henri: Talk to me... yeah, keep the dog.

  • [after Mark James has introduced himself to John, and hassled Sam. John hands Sam his skateboard, which has skidded across the floor]

    Sam: Thanks. Gotta love the classics: Homecoming king versus the science nerd. Just get better with time, don't they?

    John: Listen, Mark is...

    Sam: Soon to be irrelevant. He's in the third year of the best four years of his life.

    [opens John's locker for him, which John has been struggling to do, then walks away]

  • [after throwing Mark to the ground]

    John: I hope you can throw with your left arm.

  • [last lines]

    John: My planet is called Lorien, but Earth is my home now. It's as good a place as any in the universe. At that's how it's going to stay.

  • [Looking up at constellations]

    Teen At Party: I love it out here. The Big Dipper. It's my favorite. Do you know that one?

    John: No. I got a D in Astronomy.

  • Sam: I came here to help you.

    John: You have. Now go home.

  • John: This is the part I hate the most. The running.

  • John: My hands light up like road flares, and you call that a gift?

  • John: Fireproof?

    Number 6: Told you to stay tuned.

  • John: Knock yourself out.

  • Lancelot: Do you know how to win a sword fight?

    John: How?

    Lancelot: Be the only one with a sword!

  • [the phone rings]

    Undersecretary of Defense Daniel Harper: It's for you.

    [takes the phone]

    Robert: Yeah?

    John: [over phone] You've just been erased.

  • John: Lee, this is Father Rodriguez.

    Lee: How do you do?

    Father Rodriguez: Of course, I wasn't always Father Rodriguez. You might say I was born again, with a little help from our friend here.

    John: Some of his Colombian associates wanted to introduce him to God personally.

    Father Rodriguez: I've been given a second chance at life. I'm using it to do God's work.

  • [John parachutes into a junkyard]

    John: Where is this?

    Camille: Earth. Welcome.

  • Calderon: Don't you ever get tired of babysitting scumbags?

    John: Yeah, but in your case I'll make an exception.

  • John: Drop your gun.

    Robert: What?

    John: If you drop your gun now, I promise I won't kill you.

  • [Johnny C is working as a bartender in a drag club. John comes to see him]

    Johnny C: I got one question: was it your idea to hook me up with the Village People here?

    John: Well, you're safe, aren't you?

    Johnny C: Well, from the mob, yeah. I mean no self-respecting wiseguy would ever be caught dead in a joint like this. Only... do me one favor. Don't let it out that I'm straight, all right? I don't wanna break any hearts or nothing.

    John: Trust me.

  • Sal: We heard you got whacked.

    Johnny C: Yeah, must have been some other guy.

    Tony Two Toes: Yeah? Was it some other guy who ratted out Vincenzo Canelli?

    Johnny C: Hey, Canelli's a piece of shit.

    Tony Two Toes: I got no love for Canelli, either. But you crossed the line, Johnny.

    Johnny C: Hey, I'm still here.

    Tony Two Toes: Nah, that don't matter. What you did was wrong, John.

    John: [entering] No, what he did got a drug dealer and his poison off the streets.

    Tony Two Toes: Whose da tree trunk?

  • John: [to dead alligator] You're luggage!

  • John: I work alone. If anyone comes to you and claims that I sent them...

    [reveals a gun]

    John: Use this.

  • John: Don't move, you're dead.

    [takes a photo]

  • John: A major defense contractor is selling to terrorists on the black market.

    [Tony and his whole crew start laughing]

    Tony Two Toes: Mr. Sixty Minutes, tell me something I don't know.

    John: It's happening tonight, on your docks.

    Tony Two Toes: [stops laughing] *That* I didn't know.

  • [after killing the thugs sent to murder Johnny C, John arranges their bodies on the lawn of his house, shoots them with a silenced pistol, then puts the guns in their hands]

    John: They killed you, then they turned on each other.

    Johnny C: Right. Those sons of bitches...

  • Lee: [On the computer on Donahue's office] How are we doing ?

    John: You were right about Donahue, he left himself a back door. But we've still got to break his code.I'd figure we've that we have about five or six minutes until they trace us.

    [scrolling through the records]

    John: Do you recognize any of this?

    Lee: No. But, we're getting warm, it's an accounting format.

    John: Okay, stop me if I get lucky.

    Lee: Now those are offshore banking deposits here it is UBS, that's United Bank of Syria.

    John: $52 million? If it's an arms sale, it's a major one. Let's see who their buyer is.

    Lee: Sergei Ivanovich Petrofsky ? Who's that?

    John: [sighs] Bad news. He runs a cartel in the Russian mafia, selling drugs, guns, and influence to some very unpleasant people.

    [Scrolls lower]

    John: There it is, delivery date. Tonight, midnight? A thousand units at Baltimore Harbor.

    Lee: Thousand units of what?

    [Screen reveals the item]

    Lee: An EM gun.

    John: A *thousand* EM guns.

    Lee: Are they insane? If these things get offshore...

    John: There'll be a whole new era of world terrorism.

  • John: Do you remember when you told me that if I ever needed anything, I could come to you?

    Johnny C: Yes.

    John: Well, I need your help.

    Johnny C: Wait, you want my help?

    John: Yes... right now.

    Johnny C: You got it!

    [to the bartender]

    Johnny C: Evan! Look, cover me at the bar for a few seconds. I gotta go home and help out a friend here.

    Evan the Bartender: [looking at John] Who is he? He looks rough!

    Johnny C: Please, don't start. It's not what you think.

    John: I'm sorry, do you two need a moment alone?

    Johnny C: We're fine, thanks.

    John: Just an idea.

    Johnny C: Evan here just... worries about me. He and I...

    [John smirks at Johnny insinuating what it means]

    Johnny C: Don't ask!

  • [John knocks down a door and shoots a guy]

    Lee: You're late!

    John: Traffic.

  • John: I work alone, you know that.

    Robert: Not today.

  • John: Don't move. You're dead.

  • [John wakes up from a drug-induced sleep]

    Robert: Confused, pal? New York.

    John: You're off course.

    Robert: No, no we're not. You're gonna take us to her John.

    [John reaches for his gun. Robert holds up his gun in a plastic bag]

    Robert: You did a very, very bad thing, John. You killed Monroe. Now that makes you the mole.

    John: No, that makes you a murderer.

  • Agent: This is Special Agent John Kruger. He'll be handling your personal security.

    Lee: My protection?

    John: New identity, relocation, I'll take you through it step by step.

    Lee: What are you talking about? I'm not going anywhere!

    John: You're in an extremely high risk situation, Miss Cullen. That should've been explained to you.

  • [the limousine that Daniel Harper, Robert Deguerin, and Morehart were trapped in was just hit by a train]

    Lee: What happened?

    John: They caught a train.

  • Robert: Hey, John? That was good work last night.

    John: I had a good teacher.

    Robert: Bullshit. You had the best.

  • Johnny C: You want me to help you break into Cyrez?

    John: Yeah.

    Johnny C: What, are you shitting me? When you said you needed my help, I thought you wanted me to help you move a sofa or something.

    John: Pull over, up ahead.

    Johnny C: Alright, I'm gonna help you out here... All we are gonna need is some tanks, a couple of rocket launchers, and a set of balls like, uh... the King of Bayonne.

  • John: That weapon, it came from your company, right?

    Lee: Yes. It's an EMP prototype, it's not even supposed to exist.

    John: EMP?

    Lee: Electro-Magnetic Pulse. No gunpowder, no conventional bullets. They fire caseless aluminum shells at nearly the speed of light.

    John: You're talking about the rail gun?

    Lee: [surprised] That's right.

    John: The Navy has been working on those for years. But the smallest one I've ever seen is mounted on a battleship.

    Lee: Cyrez was contracted to scale them down, design a man-portable version. The most powerful assault rifle on earth. They took millions, then said the physics were impossible.

    John: It looked real enough to me.

  • Robert: Think about it John! You jump, you go through there like shit through a goose!

    John: You're right!

    [Rips out a seat, throws it out the exit where its sucked into an engine and explodes]

  • John: Is that morphine in there? God, beats the hell out of aspirin.

  • John: I'm a married man, I'm not used to this much attention.

  • Malcolm Turner: I've seen a lot of scary shit in my days, but damn that was a lot of ass.

    John: [while icing his balls] I think I need a splint or something.

  • John: I used to be married, but not anymore.

    Sadie: [sympathetically] Is your wife with Jesus now?

    John: Actually, the guy's name was pronounced "Hey-soos." He was the gardner, and one day I caught him spreading some fertilizer around the bedroom, if you know what I mean.

  • John: [on the phone] Yeah, he knows what he's doing.

    John: [faces Malcolm immediately afterwards] What the hell are you doing?

  • John: Patterson!

    Charlie: came as soon as we could

    John: hey, we heard over the scanners. WOO, what a mess. Look, if there's anything we could do to help

    Charlie: all you gotta do is ask

    Donald Patterson: What are you two bags of shit doing here? You aren't cops no more

    John: look man, we here trying to help

    Donald Patterson: Hey, sweet pie. How's your cock working now that you ain't got a badge no more?

    John: WHAT?

    Donald Patterson: Here's what I think of *you fuck-up*

    [spits in John's face]

    John: you spit in my face!

    [John tries to punch Patterson in the face, but Charlie stopped him]

    Charlie: Hey, you aren't going to hit him

    John: Why not?

    Charlie: Cause, I'm gonna hit him

    [Charlie tries to punch Patterson in the face, but John stopped him]

    John: NO NO NO, your not going to hit him

    JohnCharlie: WE BOTH HIT HIM

    [John and Charlie punch Patterson in the face that sent him flying 25ft across the station platform]

  • John: No, you ain't gonna hit him.

    Charlie: Why not?

    John: Because I'm gonna hit him!

    [smacks a transit cop in the face]

  • Grace Santiago: [staggers towards platform women; pretending to be drunk] Hey! Hey! That's my man! Get your hands off my man! Are you bitches crazy?

    [pulls her sleeves and clenches her fists as she runs towards them]

    Grace Santiago: You wanna get hurt, that's what it is!

    Woman on Platform: We're sorry, we didn't know it was your man!

    Woman on Platform: We're sorry, Merry Christmas to you!

    [they get behind the turnstiles]

    Grace Santiago: [tries to attack them] Get the hell outta here! Yeah, you better run!

    Woman on Platform: [to her friend as they leave the station] It's your fault! You started it!

    Woman on Platform: Me? I didn't start anything!

    Grace Santiago: [to John] I turn my back for one minute and you're doggin' me?

    John: They were huuge!!

    Charlie: [back at the booth] Oh, she's beautiful.

    Grace Santiago: [positioning John on the poles] Now, you wait right there, all right. You wait right there, and don't you let me see you talkin' to -

    [John blows his nose with his hand]

    Grace Santiago: You nasty.

    [gives a male passerby a dirty look]

    Grace Santiago: What you lookin' at? I could kick your ass, too. Shit.

  • John: A scorned woman will tear your heart out, put it between two buns, and eat it, just as your life slips away before you.

  • John: Some people can see all your mistakes. The way you hold it Show it in your face. I made a lot of mistakes and they were my mistakes. Nobody else's. Mine. When you get older, all those mistakes start piling up inside you. Regrets, blame. It's enough to make you sick to your stomach. Problem is, there are certain things that I just can't change about myself.

  • John: I am ruined, why can't you see that?

    Liev: Because I choose to see you for what you were intended to be, not what you've become.

  • John: Hamilton couldn't find a fat man in a county fair.

  • [last lines]

    Emma: Dad? Dad.

    John: Emma.

    Emma: Is that you?

    John: Yeah baby, it's me. It's me.

    Emma: I'm not dreaming?

    John: No, you're not. You're not dreaming...

  • [first lines]

    John: Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

  • Emma: Don't be a putz.

    John: Putz. I worked 80 hours this week, what did you do?

  • John: For the love of fuck, people!

  • Traffic Cop: [to Gerry] What's your name?

    Gerry Austin: Les Morris. What's yours?

    Traffic Cop: Watch it.

    [turns to John]

    Traffic Cop: Yours?

    Gerry Austin: Watch It Yours. Funny name.

    John: Must be a Pom.

  • John: [reading rental papers] Nice car.

    Gerry Austin: Yeah. Brand spanking. Did a deal, bloke I know.

    John: Funny deal, it's a rental.

    Gerry Austin: Funny bloke.

  • John: [inspecting inside a rail boxcar] It's empty! We'll stick the car in here. There's a ramp about half a mile ahead. Get up there and load up.

    Gerry Austin: But I'll kill myself.

    John: You can do it!

    Shirl: Come on Gerry!

    Gerry Austin: I'll kill you too, you silly bitch!

  • John: There's cops all down this road.

    Gerry Austin: So?

    John: So cops have got radios. This gas is stolen.

    Gerry Austin: So is the car!

  • John: So, Mark, how do you feel about putting some board breaking into the act?

    Mark: Sure, why not?

    John: We could write another taekwondo song, and after Tom does one of his guitar solos, we could all break boards. Jack could do a drum solo. How 'bout it, Jack?

    Jack: Love to help you write that song, John, but there's no way I'm gonna break any boards in that club. I don't even want us to play there anymore.

    John: Why? 'Cause that other band jumped us the other night?

    Jack: Yeah... because of Jeff, too. He's in there every night with his damn... gang, selling that stupid cocaine.

  • Alex Cardo: Police, John.

    John: You set me up?

    Alex Cardo: Ha ha, payback's a bitch, yah.

  • Cosmo Reif: What kind of car is this?

    John: Lincoln Town Car.

    Cosmo Reif: Very smooth.

  • John: For God's sake, Fouchet, what are they doing to him?!

    Fouchet: It's better not to know.

  • Rome: Harry's okay.

    John: Harry talks.

    Rome: Not anymore.

  • John: What are you so happy about, TJ? Your girlfriend drop the charges?

  • [John is preparing to hotwire a vehicle he has just broken into. Sunny, in the passenger seat, takes a drag off her cigarette]

    John: There's no smoking in my car!

  • Bart: [objecting to being stuffed into the trunk] Ya know I could suffocate in here.

    John: No. You fellas ventilated my car just fine.

  • WALL.E: [to John] WALL-E.

    John: Uh, John.

    WALL.E: Eva?

    John: Uh, no, John.

    WALL.E: EVA!

    [rushes over to EVE]

    John: Bye, WALL-E.

  • Mary: [Mary is looking at the stars outside the Axiom while other passengers pass idly by] Oh! So many stars! Ah.

    [she sees WALL-E and EVE flying around outside]

    Mary: Oh! Hey! That's what's-his-name!

    [backs up, bumps into John]

    John: Hey! What the-?

    Mary: Look! Look, look, look!

    [she shuts off his chair and screen, making him aware of his surroundings]

    John: Huh? What?

    [sees WALL-E and EVE]

    John: Hey... I know that guy! It's uh, uh... WALL-E! That's it! Hey - WALL-E! It's your buddy John!

    Mary: [simultaneously] Hey! Hi, WALL-E!

    [John casually puts his right hand upon Mary's]

    John: [looks down, somewhat surprised; looks up at Mary, smiles] Hi.

    Mary: [smiles] Hi.

  • John: [WALL-E is looking for EVE and bumps into John, turning off his display] What-what the?

    [Notices WALL-E]

    WALL.E: [Introducing himself] WALL-E!

    John: Uhh... John...

    WALL.E: EE-va?

    John: [Confused] No? John.

  • Wendy: Peter, I'm sorry I must grow up...

    [Hook grabs her]

    Wendy: [to Hook] It is just a thimble.

    Captain Hook: By all means my beauty, give Peter Pan your precious thimble.

    Wendy: This belongs to you and always will.

    [Kisses Peter]

    John: That was no thimble...

    Michael: That was a hidden kiss.

  • John: [upon meeting Peter] You offend reason, sir.

    Michael: Mm-hmm.

    John: [sees Peter lift into the air] I should like to offend it with you

  • [Peter sees a boy flying next to him, forgetting he has just met him minutes before]

    Peter: Who are you?

    John: I'm John.

    Peter: John.

  • Pirate: Beg for your lives.

    John: Sirs! My brother and I are English gentlemen. English gentlemen do not beg!

    Michael: [Michael gets on his knees] ... Please. Please, don't kill me!

    John: [John gets n his knees too] Please, don't kill me either!

  • John: Michael, are you shot?

    Michael: I haven't checked yet, but there's something worser.

    John: Oh, what could be worse?

    Michael: My thoughts aren't very happy!

    [they both fall]

  • [a library full of semen samples falls over John, spilling everything]

    John: Oh, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!

    Ted: We are so sorry!

    Female Nurse: Well I guess it's alright - those are the rejected sickle cell samples.

    Ted: Did you hear that, Johnny? You're covered in rejected black guy sperm. You look like a Kardashian.

  • Comic: So first, we need a historical event. Who's got an event?

    Ted: 9/11!

    Comic: Oh oh, okay. Okay, maybe something else. Uh, let's start with a person.

    John: Robin Williams!

    Comic: Okay, alright. For real, guys, for real. Who's got a person?

    Ted: Robin Williams on 9/11!

    Comic: Alright, we've heard from these guys, uh, let's maybe give somebody else over here a chance. How about a location? Let's go with a location.

    Ted: The offices of Charlie Hebdo!

    Comic: Okay, seriously, sir, I just need a location.

    John: Ferguson, Missouri!

    Ted: Germanwings cockpit!

    Comic: Okay, I heard Starbucks!

    Ted: No, you didn't!

    John: Nobody said Starbucks.

    Comic: Alright, Starbucks! Okay now, who's in the Starbucks?

    Ted: Bill Cosby!

    Comic: You people are monsters.

    John: We're giving you the tools, buddy! Come on, make some fucking comedy!

  • [from trailer]

    Ted: What's your middle name?

    Samantha Jackson: Leslie.

    Ted: Oh, my god! You're Sam L. Jackson!

    John: That's great! I mean, just like Sam L. Jackson.

    Samantha Jackson: Who is that?

    Ted: You ever seen any movie ever? He's the black guy.

  • Ted: What the FUCK!

    John: Holy shit, dude! What's the matter? What happened? What's going on?

    Ted: There's so much porn!

    John: What the hell are you doing, looking at my private shit?

    Ted: What are you talking about, "private shit"? Johnny, it was wide open! There are literally thousands of files here!

    John: Well, I've been meaning to clear some of that up!

    Ted: Jesus Chri-Look at the organization here! "Clockwise Rimjob"? "Counterclockwise Rimjob"?

    John: Yeah, well, sometimes, we like seeing the tongue go the other way!

    Ted: You sick bastard! Look at this! "Chicks With Dicks"!

    John: Oh my God! Oh my God, I have a disease! Allright? I need help!

    Ted: There are no chicks with dicks, Johnny! Only guys with tits!

  • Samantha Jackson: Alright, I've got 'Dred Scott v. Sandford', 'Plessy v. Ferguson', and 'Brown v. The Board of Education'.

    John: I got 'Kramer vs. Kramer', 'Alien vs. Predator', and 'Freddy vs. Jason'.

    Ted: I got, uh, 'Earnest Goes to Camp', 'Earnest Goes to Jail', and 'The Importance of Being Earnest' which was very disappointing.

  • Samantha Jackson: Hi, have any of you guys seen a talking teddy bear, he...

    Comic-Con Fan: [interrupts] Shh! They're about to announce the new Superman.

    Film Executive: The new Superman is... Jonah Hill!

    John: Fuck!

  • John: We just broke into Tom Brady's house and tried to jerk him off - you're ready to be a parent.

  • [from trailer]

    Samantha Jackson: All right, I'm going to ask you these test questions. Are you ready?

    Ted: Yup, bring it on.

    Samantha Jackson: Do you consider yourself to be human?

    Ted: Objection!

    John: Sustained!

    Samantha Jackson: You know, the witness can't object.

    John: Overruled.

    Ted: Sidebar.

    John: Guilty!

    Ted: Speculation.

    John: Hearsay!

    Ted: Bailiff.

    John: Briefcase.

    Ted: Disregard.

    John: In my chambers.

    Ted: Stop beavering the witness.

    John: I rest.

    Ted: We could totally be lawyers.

  • John: [to Tom Brady] You're not a cheater. I mean, I think your balls are perfect.

  • Ted: I think it's time to play the Beetlejuice card.

    John: What?

    Ted: I mean, saying his name three times so he appears.

    John: Are you fucking crazy? We don't want that guy running around here!

    Ted: No, it'll be fine! he'll be on our side! Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetle...

    John: Hey, you are messing with powers you do not understand, alright! Cut the shit!

  • [drenched in semen]

    John: Fuck! I'm blinking it in! Oh my God, it's in my fucking mouth!

    Ted: Wait-wait-wait, hang on, I gotta post this on Facebook.

    John: NO!

    Ted: ..."hashtag GrrrMondays".

  • [Ted smokes some marijuana using Sam's penis-shaped bong. John pulls out his smartphone and takes a picture]

    Ted: Oh, what the fuck? What are you doing?

    John: [texting] Hashtag: My amazing summer.

    Ted: Goddammit, what the hell is wrong with you?

    John: Oh, I fucking owe you, you bastard.

    Ted: What do you mean? I was just messing around.

    John: Oh, shut up and suck that dick.

    Ted: Oh, fuck you.

  • Ted: That weed is really good. It reminds me of the strain I smoked last summer called "Here Comes Autism."

    John: Yeah, I was just gonna say it's sort of like this other batch we had called..."How Long Has That Van Been There?"

    Samantha Jackson: No, it's this new strain my dealer gave me called "Help Me Get Home."

  • John: He's not my property. He's a person. He's way more of a person than lots of other people. I mean, fuckin' Steven Tyler? What the fuck is that, some kinda weird soccer mom looking Goonie monster?

    Shep Wild: Your Honor!

    Judge: I'll allow it.

  • Samantha Jackson: Can either of you tell me who wrote the Great Gatsby?

    John: Judy Bloome?

    Ted: Hitler?

    Samantha Jackson: F. Scott Fitzgerald.

    John: Who's that?

    Samantha Jackson: The author.

    John: Well, why are you saying "fuck him"?

    Samantha Jackson: [Sam is confused] What?

    Ted: You just said Eff Scott Fitzgerald. I mean, what would Scott Fitzgerald do to you?

    John: Yeah.

    Samantha Jackson: No, that's his first name.

    Ted: His name's Fuck Scott Fitzgerald?

    Samantha Jackson: What? No!

    John: Well, what does the F stand for?

    Samantha Jackson: Francis.

    Ted: No, it's got to be Fuck. It's got to be Fuck.

    John: It must be Fuck. It has to be Fuck.

    Samantha Jackson: Why the hell would it be "Fuck"?

    John: Well, 'cuz otherwise, why wouldn't he just say it?

    Ted: Yeah, he's hiding something. It's Fuck. It's Fuck. It's Fuck.

    John: It's Fuck. It's Fuck.

    Samantha Jackson: That's completely insane. You guys are idiots.

    Ted: Yeah, well, whatever. Ted Clubberlang, get used to it.

  • John: You piece of shit. Killing him at Fenway Park wasn't enough for you, huh? Huh, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO NOW?

    Donny: You don't deserve him, John. You never did. YOU NEVER DID!

    John: I've been wanting to do this for a long time.

    Ted: Aha! I fucking knew it!

  • [Unrated version only]

    Ted: Attention, everyone. May I have your attention, please? Johnny and I have prepared something very special for you here. Let's have it, fellas.

    Ted: When you hear the sound of thunder don't you get too scared.

    John: Just grab your thunder buddy and say these magic words.

    Ted: Oh, fuck you, thunder! You can suck my dick!

    John: Oh, fuck you, thunder! You can suck my dick!

    Ted: You can't get me, thunder 'cause you're just God's farts. Yeah!

    John: You can't get me, thunder 'cause you're just God's farts. Yeah!

  • [Unrated version only, John lists a long list of fictional last names in rapid order for Ted's last name]

    John: Skywalker, Solo, Vader, Kenobi, Palpatine, Calrissian, Balboa, Rambo, Griswold, Stepford, Bickle, Gump, Corleone, Wonka, Lebowski, Venkman, Spengler, Stantz, Rizzo, Zuko, Golighty, Higgins, Dolittle, Poppins, Bond, Blofeld, Blutarsky, Soze, O'Hara, Butler, McFly, Plissken, Ventura, Burgundy, Scissorhands, Drebin, Bueller, Lecter, Dumbledore, Sparrow, Doubtfire, Bourne, Von Trapp, Zoolander, Kirk, Spock, McCoy...

    Ted: Clubber Lang!

    John: FUCKING...

    Ted: Hahaha!

  • Samantha Jackson: [Unrated version] I love New York.

    John: Yeah, there's no bullshit with these people.

    Ted: Yeah, you always know who you're dealing with in New York.

    [Out the car window, to a group]

    Ted: Hello, Jews!

    [the groups says hello back]

  • Samantha Jackson: [Alternate scene] Can either of you tell me what happened in World War I?

    John: Yeah. I mean, the whole world was fighting.

    Ted: It's a lot of anger. A lot of anger.

    Samantha Jackson: Any specifics?

    John: A lot of people died.

    Ted: Too many, if you ask me.

    Samantha Jackson: Where did it take place?

    John: All over the world.

    Ted: Thus, World War I.

    John: And that was the first one.

    Ted: Of many.

    Samantha Jackson: You guys need to get fucking educated!

  • Comic-Con Presenter: The new Superman is... Jonah Hill.

    John: FUCK!

  • Shep Wild: Where did they get him?


    John: [Mutters] Child-World Toy Store.

    Shep Wild: I'm sorry I couldn't hear that, could you repeat that please?

    John: Child-World Toy Store, you fuckin' heard me!

  • Ted: Right. You see the thing is, we don't wanna take any chances, because the stakes are so significant.

    John: We can't rush into anything. We got to make sure we're making the right decision.

    Ted: We really appreciate your time, but what we're probably gonna do is...

    [Samantha takes a hit from bong]

    Ted: just take a seat and get to work.

    John: Trust you completely.

    Ted: We really feel you got a lot to offer.

    Samantha Jackson: Sorry you don't mind the pot,do you? I get migraines.

    John: Oh absolutely. Me too.

    Ted: That's fine. I'm gonna get a huge migraine in the parking lot in about 20 minuets.

  • Wendy: He can fly!

    John: He can fly!

    Michael: He flewed!

    Peter Pan: Now you try.

    Wendy: I'll think of a mermaid lagoon, underneath a magic moon.

    John: I'll think I'm in a pirate's cave.

    Michael: I think I'll be an Indian brave.

    Peter Pan: Now everybody try.

    WendyJohnMichaelPeter Pan: One, two, three!

    WendyJohnMichael: We can fly! We can fly! We can fly!

    [the children all fall to the ground]

    Peter Pan: This won't do. What's the matter with you? All it takes is faith and trust. Oh! And something I forgot.

    [grabs Tinkerbell]

    Peter Pan: Dust!

    WendyJohn: Dust?

    Michael: Dust?

    Peter Pan: Yep, just a little bit of pixie dust.

    [taps Tinkerbell a bit with his hand to make golden dust come off and rain down on the kids]

    Peter Pan: Now, think of the happiest things. It's the same as having wings.

  • Michael: [referring to Tinker Bell] Oh, look! A firefly!

    Wendy: A pixie.

    John: Amazing!

    [Tinker Bell angrily gestures at Peter]

    Michael: What's the pixie doing?

    Peter Pan: Talking.

    Wendy: What did she say?

    Peter Pan: She says you're a big ugly girl!

    [everybody laughs]

    Wendy: Oh... well, I think she's lovely.

  • Mr. Darling: Wendy, haven't I warned you? Stuffing the boys heads with a lot of silly stories?

    Wendy: Oh, but they aren't.

    Mr. Darling: I say they are. Captain Crook! Peter Pirate!

    Wendy: Peter Pan, Father.

    Mr. Darling: Pan... Pirate... Poppycock!

    Wendy: Oh, no, Father!

    John: Oh my gosh!

    Wendy: How can you...?

    Mr. Darling: Absolute poppycock!

  • Wendy: What's the chief doing, John?

    John: He's giving an oration in sign language.

    Michael: What's he saying?

    John: He says... "Peter Pan... mighty warrior... save Tigerlily... make big chief... heap glad."

    Wendy: [jokingly] Well, he certainly doesn't look "heap glad".

  • Indian Chief: How.

    JohnLost Boy (Bear)Lost Boy (Fox)Lost Boy (Racoon)Michael: How, Chief. How.

    Indian Chief: For many moons, red man fight paleface Lost Boys.

    JohnLost Boy (Bear)Lost Boy (Fox)Lost Boy (Racoon)Michael: Ugh.

    Indian Chief: Sometime, you win; sometime, we win.

    Lost Boy (Bear): Okay, Chief. You win this time. Now turn us loose.

    John: Turn us loose? You mean this is only a game?

    Lost Boy (Fox): Sure. When we win, we turn them loose.

    Lost Boy (Racoon): When they win, they turn us loose.

    Indian Chief: This time, no turnum loose.

    Lost Boy (Fox): Huh?


    Lost Boy (Fox): The chief's a great spoofer!

    Indian Chief: Me no spoofum! Where you hide Princess Tiger Lily?

    Lost Boy (Bear): Uh, Tiger Lily?

    Lost Boy (Fox): We ain't got your ol' princess!

    John: I certainly have never seen her.

    Lost Boy (Racoon): Me neither.

    Indian Chief: Heap big lie! If Tiger Lily not back by sunset... burnum at stake.

  • John: [as Captain Hook] Blast you, Peter Pan!

    Michael: [as Peter Pan] Take that! Give up, Captain Hook? You give up?

    John: Never! I'll teach you to cut off me hand!

    Wendy: [coming in; chuckling] Oh, no, John, it was the *left* hand.

    John: Oh, yes. Thank you, Wendy.

  • Paul: Look, it's a school of whales.

    Ringo: They look a little bit old for school.

    Paul: University then.

    Ringo: University of "Wales".

    John: They look like drop outs to me.

  • John: It's blue glass.

    Ringo: Must be from Kentucky.

  • John: Break the glass.

    George: We can't!

    Paul: It's Beatle proof.

    John: Nothing is Beatle proof!

  • George: Hey! There's a Cyclops!

    Paul: Can't be. It's got two eyes.

    John: Must be a "bicycle-ops" then.

    Ringo: There's another one.

    John: A whole "'cyclopedia"!

  • George: Maybe time's gone on strike.

    Ringo: What for?

    George: Shorter hours.

    Ringo: I don't blame it. Must be very tiring being time, mustn't it?

    GeorgeJohnPaul: Why?

    Ringo: Well, it's a twenty four hour day, isn't it?

    John: You surprise me, Ringo.

    Ringo: Why?

    John: Dealing in abstracts.

  • [after Ringo ejects himself from the submarine]

    Paul: Poor Ringo.

    George: Poor lad.

    Paul: Never did no harm to no one.

    John: Hey, lads, now that Ringo's gone, what do we do?

    Old Fred: Learn to sing trios.

    Paul: Naw, let's save the poor devil.

  • John: Hello, there, blue people! Won't you join us? Hook up, and otherwise co-mingle? What do you say?

    Chief Meanie: Max.

    Max: Yes, your Blueness er, your newness?

    Chief Meanie: It's no longer a blue world, Max. Where could we go?

    Max: Argentina?

    John: Are you with us? Will you join?

    Chief Meanie: Shall we?

    Max: [nodding] No!

    Chief Meanie: [threatening] Aargh!

    Max: [hastily] N-n-y-y-y-y-Yes, your Newness!

    Chief Meanie: Yes, Max!

    Jeremy: Yes! Ah, yes is a word with a glorious ring! A true universal utopious thing! Engenders embracing and chasing of blues, the very best word for the whole world to use!

    Chief Meanie: Yes, let us mix, Max. I've never admitted it before, but my cousin is the blue bird of happiness!

  • Ringo: Move over, I'm driving.

    George: No, I got here first.

    Ringo: We'll drive if you like.

    George: No, you sit in the middle.

    John: No, I'm sitting in the middle.

    George: Who said you were driving?

    Ringo: I am driving.

    George: I'll get in the back, then.

    [they drive off camera]

    George: [Crash!]

  • John: I am the ego man, goo goo g'joob

  • John: [singing] Nothing you can make that can't be made. No one you can save that can't be saved. Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time. It's easy. All You Need is Love. All You Need is Love. All You Need is Love, love. Love is all you need.

  • George: Ok, men all aboard. Lets go somewhere.

    Ringo: [Indicating Jeremy] What about him?

    John: He's happy enough going around in circles.

    Ringo: Aw, poor little fellow.

    Paul: I don't know. Ringo's just a sentamentalist.

    Ringo: Aw, look at him. Can't he come with us?

    [he goes over to Jeremy]

    Ringo: Hey, Mr Boob! You can come with us if you like.

    Jeremy: You mean you'd take a nowhere man?

    Ringo: Yeah, come on. We'll take you somewhere.

  • Paul: [they're hiding from the Meanies in the gazebo] Do you think they heard us?

    John: I hope not.

    Paul: Shhh!

    George: What did you say?

    Paul: Shhh!

    George: Good plan.

  • John: Well, in my humble opinion, we've become involved in Einstein's time space continuum theory.

    George: Oh, right.

    John: Relatively speaking, that is.

  • [being swallowed by the vacuum monster]

    John: The motor's packing in!

    Old Fred: By all the sea nymphettes! We're losing power!

    George: We're being swallowed!

    Paul: What should we do?

    John: Serve tea?

    Paul: Lovely.

  • Paul: Groovy! How do you start this thing?

    Old Fred: It starts with a Blue Meanie attack.

    John: Well, supposing there are no Blue Meanies in the neighbourhood?

    Old Fred: Oh, er, well, then you, um, start looking for a switch.

    Ringo: [Ringo pushes a button that starts playing the first few notes of the song "All Together Now"] Perhaps this is it.

  • George: Yes, dey do look very nice, don't dey?

    Ringo: Yes, dey do.

    John: Dey do dough, don't dey?

    George: Yes, dey do.

    Ringo: Don't dey, dough?

    George: Dough?

    [Paul enters]

    John: Fa-la. Dat dough!

  • Ringo: [as Jeremy disables the Chief Blue Meenie with flowers] First time I saw that Nowhere Man, that Nobody, "I" knew he was Somebody.

    John: You're right.

  • [Jeremy is writing with his foot]

    Jeremy: The footnotes for my nineteenth book. This is my standard procedure for doing it. And while I compose it, I'm also reviewing it!

    George: A boob for all seasons.

    Paul: How can he lose?

    John: Were your notices good?

    Jeremy: It's my policy never to read my reviews.

  • John: It's time for time!

  • John: Hey, Jeremy, what do you know about holes?

    Jeremy Hillary Boob, PhD.: There are simply no holes in my education.

    Paul: You mean you haven't composed a "hole" book?

  • Lord Mayor: It's quite uncanny, your faces.

    Paul: We're quite cute, really.

    Lord Mayor: You could pass for the originals!

    John: We are the originals.

  • Paul: [seeing the Chief Meanie for the first time] Hey, he reminds me of my old English teacher.

    John: Look, if you must shout, shout quietly!

  • George: Okay, instruments at the ready.

    John: Okay, on the beat of one, a-two, a-three, a-four, a-five, a-six.

    Ringo: Hey, can't you make it three?

    John: Oh, all right, on the beat of three: A-one, a-two, a-three.

  • John: If I could come in, here, I think the theory put forward by Einstein.

    Paul: [singing] Einstein, Einstein, any any any old Einstein.

    John: Could well be applied here. The people in the ball are obviously extensions of our own personalities, suspended, as it were, in time, frozen in space.

    George: Uh, John.

    John: According to the now-famous theory of relativity.

    George: John.

    John: Which, briefly explained.

    George: John!

    John: Is simply a matter of taking two eggs.

    George: John!

    John: Beating lightly, and adding a little salt and pepper to taste.

  • [last lines]

    JohnPaulGeorgeRingo: All together, now!

  • John: [in the Sea of Holes] This place reminds me of Blackburn, Lancashire.

    Paul: [sings] Oh, boy!

  • Ringo: George, what are you doing up there?

    George: [driving in Ringo's car] Now, what is it, Ringo? Is there a matter you'd like to take up or down?

    Ringo: [indicating Fred] This chap, here.

    Old Fred: [crazy gibberish] Submarines! Explosions!

    RingoOld FredJohn: Blue Meanies!

    George: Aww, you're nuts, the pair of you.

    [drives off]

    Ringo: Hey, that's my car, lad.

    George: How do you know it's your car, lad?

    Ringo: I know it anywhere. Red with yellow wheels.

    [the car changes colors]

    Ringo: I mean blue with orange wheels.

    [the car changes colors again]

    George: It's all in the mind.

  • John: It appears to be a group of fellas.

  • [opening a door to find King Kong abducting a woman]

    George: Do you think we're interrupting something?

    John: I think so.

  • Old Fred: Well, lads, what do you think?

    George: I think that...

    Old Fred: Remember, there'll be rough seas ahead! What do you think?

    Paul: Well, um...

    Old Fred: Pounding overwhelming waves! What do you think of that, eh?

    John: Well, I think that...

    Ringo: As a matter of fact, I think that...

    GeorgePaulJohnRingo: I think...

    Old Fred: Well?

    GeorgePaulJohnRingo: I've forgotten.

  • Paul: Let's show him our motor.

    John: Steady on! I mean, you don't want to be showing your motor to just anybody.

  • George: Hey, he looks wrong.

    Paul: He doesn't look at all well.

    George: In fact, he's horrible.

    John: He's so ugly.

    All: Really ugly!

  • John: [Frankenstein's monster has turned into John Lennon] Hey, Ringo, I've just had the strangest dream.

    Ringo: I warned you not to eat on an empty stomach. Now listen to Old Fred.

    Old Fred: [speaking gibberish] Submarine! Explosions! Blue Meanies!


    Old Fred: What do you think?

    John: [to Ringo] I think he needs a rehearsal.

  • George: Not a Meanie in sight.

    John: Not even a teeny Meanie.

    Paul: Not even a teeny weeny Meanie.

    Ringo: Grace.

  • Paul: Do you ever get the feeling?

    John: Yeah.

    Paul: That things aren't as rosy as they appear to be under the surface?

  • George: As a matter of fact, there's a war on.

    John: Then brothers in war, to the skirmish must we hence! Shall we hence?

    Paul: Oh, let's not waste any more time sitting on the hence! Beatles to battle! Charge!

  • John: [George tries to fix the sub's motor, receiving a huge electric shock instead] What do you think?

    George: I think I burnt me finger.

  • [the Beatles have finally arrived in Pepperland]

    John: Pepperland!

    George: Looks a bit salty around the edges.

  • [the Beatles just saw duplicates of themselves in a second yellow submarine]

    George: Maybe we're both part of a vast yellow submarine fleet.

    Ringo: There's only two of us.

    John: Well, then, I would suggest that yonder yellow submarine is none other than ourselves...

    Old Fred: Going backwards.

    John: In time.

  • [as the sub travels through the Sea of Time, the Beatles and Old Fred turn smaller and younger because the time is traveling backwards]

    George: [as they reduce in size] Hey, look, everything's getting bigger!

    John: It's not. It's us that are getting smaller.

  • [At Scotland Yard]

    John: Hold on, it's them! Only me and Paul know we're here.

    George: I know we're here.

  • Bhuta: [in the Indian restaurant, referring to Ringo] Excuse me, sirs, but if he is to be sacrificed before the dread Kaili, why is he not painted red?

    John: That's a question I'll never be able to pluck up the courage to ask but as he's me best friend I will.

  • Ringo: What was it that first attracted you to me?

    John: Well, you're very polite, aren't you?

  • John: Stop dragging things down to your own level, it's immature son.

    Ringo: I thought, Well I... I thought she was a sandwich, 'til she went spare on me hand.

  • Clang: [offering a bagful of gold] Psst! Hey, Be-a-tle! You shall have fun, yes?

    John: No thanks, I'm rhythm guitar and mouth organ.

  • John: [finding a season ticket in his soup] What's this?

    Ringo: A season ticket. What do you think it is?

    John: Oh. I like a lot of seasoning in me soup.

  • [Ringo's hand is trapped in the sandwich dispenser]

    Ringo: Hey someone's got hold of me finger!

    John: Are you trying to attract attention again?

  • Superintendent: So this is the famous ring?

    Ringo: I'm in fear of me life, you know!

    Superintendent: And these are the famous Beatles?

    John: So this is the famous Scotland Yard, eh?

    Superintendent: And how long do you think you'll last?

    John: Can't say fairer than that. The Great Train Robbery, eh? How's that going?

  • Ringo: The Fire Brigade once got my head out of some railings.

    John: Did you want them to?

    Ringo: No, I used to leave it there when I wasn't using it for school. You can see a lot of the world from railings.

  • Cameo: Boys, are you buzzing?

    John: No thanks, I've got the car!

    Cameo: No no no. I'll have to play it back. You'll have to do it again!

    [He plays the recording back so they can hear the buzzing sound]

    John: Is that you?

    Paul: No.

    George: Well don't look at me.

    [Ringo and his drums crash through the sawn-through floor to the room below]

    John: That was you buzzing! You naughty boy!

  • George: [referring to a drill coming through a painting] What's that?

    Austrian Waiter: What's what?

    George: That little whirly thing coming out of his stomach.

    Austrian Waiter: I can't look!

    [a hose comes through the whole the drill made]

    John: It's only a hose.

    [the waiter faints as the Beatles investigate the hose]

    Paul: [listens into the hose then hands it to John] It's for you.

    John: Who is it?

    Paul: The gardener.

  • [One of Clang's men is choking John]

    John: Get off!

    [George jumps in to help, but Clang's man falls aside. George ends up choking John]

    John: It's me, you fool!

    George: [Still choking John] Oh, sorry!

    John: Well, stop it!

  • [after a failed attempt to steal Ringo's ring]

    Ringo: Hey! You've been messing about with me in my kip!

    John: Eh?

    Ringo: No, I mean, you know, with a fishing rod.

    John: I wouldn't touch it with a plastic one. What are you doing on the floor?

    Ringo: I'm tired.

  • John: [to Ringo whose arm is trapped inside a mail box] What are you doing?

    Ringo: Posting a letter.

  • John: There's somebody been in this soup.

  • John: How do you feel?

    [puts light bulb to Ringo's mouth like a microphone]

    Ringo: I used to use my hands.

    John: [speaks into "microphone" in funny voice] He used to use his hands.

  • [Hypnotism attempt over the phone from a public phone box]

    Clang: Go to the window.

    John: Hey! It's them!

    [the Beatles block their ears]

    Clang: Go to the window, Go to the window, Go to the window, Go to the window.

  • Ringo: There's more here than meets the eye!

    George: Ho ho.

    John: Ho.

    George: Ho ho.

    John: Ho.

    George: Ho ho ho

    John: Ho ho!

    George: Ho ho.

    John: Huh ho.

  • [to an Indian man standing on his head]

    John: Doesn't the blood rush to your head Sir?

    [In the restaurant kitchen]

    George: Doesn't the eastern flavor come rather expensive?

    [Paul to belly dancer]

    Paul: Doesn't the blood rush to your stomach?

  • George: [referring to Ringo's finger] Hey, there might be some insurance.

    John: I wouldn't think of such a thing!


    John: Find out, eh?

  • John: Get me the Home Office. He's wrecking my home!

  • John: [George has just passed out from seeing the size of Ahme's hypodermic needle] Now see what you've done with your filthy Eastern ways!

    Ahme: No! It is Clang, the high priest, who is filthy in his Eastern ways.

    John: How do we know you're not just as filthy, and sent by him to nick the ring by being filthy when you've lulled us with your filthy Eastern ways?

    Paul: What filthy ways are these?

  • [Paul tracking foot prints]

    Paul: Easterner with greasy feet speak with fork tongue.

    John: Does he? What's he say?

    Paul: Passing this way, hot foot, many moons to temple.

    George: Don't encourage him. You've got the part Paul!

    John: Dare we ask how you know?

    Ringo: How?

    Paul: How? I saw these footprints and this guide book which points out places of local worship.

    John: To the temple!

  • Superintendent: Oh come on now lads, don't be windy, where's that famous pluck?

    John: I haven't got any, have you George?

    George: Did have.

    Paul: I have had.

    Ringo: I will have! Lead on!

  • John: Oh, why don't you chop it off, Ringo?

    Ringo: Look John, I've had some great times with this finger.

    [to Paul]

    Ringo: And how do you know I wouldn't miss it?

    Paul: You're a rat underneath, aren't you?

  • Ahme: [to Ringo, holding a syringe] This will make your finger shrink. Be brave.

    John: Don't look.

    Ahme: [into the camera] Alas, if he were brave, this would not be necessary.

  • Professor Foot: Voltage, Voltage! Up up. Up up

    Paul: Up, up.

    John: Up

    Ringo: Are you sure I'm earthed?

    Algernon: Oh no! Er, hold on, thank you.

  • [Ringo is trapped in a cellar with a tiger]

    Superintendent: Good lord, it's Rajah, the famous Bengal man-eater who escaped from London Zoo this morning.

    John: Good Lord! So it famous is!

    Superintendent: Oh, don't worry, he's absolutely harmless. All you have to do is sing Beethoven's "Ode to Joy" from the famous Ninth Symphony in D minor.

    John: Of course! Why didn't you think of that you twit!

  • [In disguise at the airport. Newspapers have discovered their destination]

    Ringo: Okay, who let it out?

    John: Nobody'll know!

    Paul: We're not going there.

    John: We just put it 'round we're going there.

    Paul: We're not going there!

    John: We just put it 'round we're going there!

    George: Just so everybody'd think we were going there.

    Ringo: I'd like to go there.

    John: You wouldn't like it.

    Ringo: Where are we going, then?

    John: Never you mind.

  • Engineer: Boys! Are you buzzing?

    John: No thanks, we've got the car!

  • John: Ah, couldn't be worse! There's nothing worse than war!

    Italian Sergeant: Defeat is worse!

    John: I don't believe it! What is defeat? You go home!

  • Mrs.Saunders: John! What happened? Are you ill?

    John: No, Mum. Just yellow.

  • [first lines]

    [sound of train station noises and chatter]

    Toby: [staring at train] Whoa.

    John: Toby. Stay with me.

  • [last lines]

    Toby: [swings at and hits a baseball] I hit it! I hit it! Yeah, I hit it! I can't believe it!

    John: Okay, go!

    [Toby runs off happily to find the ball. Nana throws it back. Snow begins to fly. The camera focuses on the live rabbit, who is watching from a ledge in the distance]

  • Willis: [voiceover] Grandma says John is a bad influence on me.

    John: Willis. I need your grandma's car. I been drinking Robitussin all day and I'm pretty sure I can drive it with my penis.

    Willis: Grandma says you can't use her car anymore unless she's in it. She doesn't like where you leave the radio tuned.

    John: Box 'er old bones up then, let's go. I needs mo' 'Tussin.

  • Heartbreaker: I sure wish there were more people out there like you. Money's been tight. The name "Kap'n Kill-Krazy" doesn't move merch the way it used to. I blame the parents, and their baffling aversion to killing.

    John: Plus, that video game sucked a big drippy.

    Heartbreaker: Christ, don't remind me. I told him to slap his name on the Tetris clone, but did he listen? Hell no.


    Heartbreaker: Seventeen different juvenile vehicular homicides, the Times said. Don't think even the All-Seeing Eye saw that coming.

  • Jordan Belfort: Hello, John. How are you doing today? You mailed in my company a postcard a few weeks back, requesting information on penny stocks that had huge upside potential with very little downside risk. Does that ring a bell?

    John: Yeah, I may have sent something.

    Jordan Belfort: Okay, great. The reason for the call today, John, is something just came across my desk, John. It is perhaps the *best* thing I've seen in the last six months. If you have 60 seconds, I'd like to share the idea with you. You got a minute?

    John: Actually, I'm really very...

    Jordan Belfort: The name of the company, Aerotyne International. It is a cutting edge high-tech firm out of the Midwest awaiting imminent patent approval on the next generation of radar detectors that have both huge military and civilian applications. Now, right now, John, the stock trades over-the-counter at 10 cents a share. And by the way, John, our analysts indicate it could go a heck of a lot higher than that. Your profit on a mere $6,000 investment could be upwards of $60,000!

    John: Jesus! That's my mortgage, man.

    Jordan Belfort: Exactly. You could pay off your mortgage.

    John: This stock will pay off my house?

    Jordan Belfort: John, one thing I can promise you, even in this market, is that I never ask my clients to judge me on my winners. I ask them to judge me on my losers because I have so few. And in the case of Aerotyne, based on every technical factor out there, John, we are looking at a grand slam home run.

    John: Okay, let's do it. I'll do four grand.

    Jordan Belfort: $4,000? That'd be 40,000 shares, John. Let me lock in that trade right now and get back to you with my secretary with an exact confirmation. Sound good, john?

    John: Yeah, sounds good.

    Jordan Belfort: Great. Hey, John. Thank you for your vote of confidence and welcome to the Investor's Center.

  • Cynthia: Hey, John, call me a cab.

    John: Okay, you're a cab.

  • Interviewer: Name, occupation?

    Pamela: Pamela Morrison, ornament.

    Interviewer: Name, occupation?

    Robby Krieger: Robby Krieger, guitar player.

    Interviewer: Name, occupation?

    John: John Densmore, percussionist, 23 years old. Far out, man!

    Interviewer: Name, occupation?

    Ray Manzarek: Raymond Daniel Manzarek, born February 12th 1939, musician, organist.

    Interviewer: Name, occupation?

    Jim Morrison: Uh, Jim.


  • John: Elsie, I don't have the power to settle this strike.

    Elsie: The bosses listen to you. They'll do what you tell them.

    John: I'm not gonna crawl on my belly infront of those miserable union rats.

    Elsie: Is that what this is about? Is this about your pride?

    John: It's about what's best for Coalwood. If this mine doesn't produce, then the town dies. Think the union gives a damn about that? They're nothin' but a bunch of greedy sons of bitches...

    Elsie: Shut up. Just shut up.

    [John is silent]

    Elsie: Homer once said you love the mine more than your own family. I stook up for you because I didn't want to believe it. Homer has gotten alot of help from the people in this town. They've helped him build his rockets. They've watched him fly 'em. But not you. You never showed up, not even once. I'm not asking you to believe in it, but he's your son, for God's sake. And I am asking you to help him. If you don't, I'll leave you. I'll do whatever it takes to get away from here. I will work, if that's what it takes. I'll live in a tree to get away from you. Don't think I won't.

    John: Where would you go?

    Elsie: [a beat] Myrtle Beach.

    [she walks away]

  • Homer: Listen, I'm sorry about what's going on around here, but it isn't my fault! What do you want from me anyway?

    John: You better watch yourself, Homer.

    Homer: If I go on to win at Indianapolis, I can go to college, maybe even get a job at Cape Canaveral. There's nothing here for me. The town is dying! The mine is dying! Everybody here knows that but you!

    John: You want to get out so bad, then go. Go!

    Homer: Yeah, I'll go! Yeah, I'll go!

    John: GO! GO!

    Homer: And I'll be gone forever! I won't even look back!

  • John: Vernon!

    [slams Vernon against the wall]

    Vernon: We ain't at the mine now Hickham! This ain't your business!

    John: [to Roy Lee] You wait in the car with Homer, son.

    [to Vernon]

    John: Now you listen to me you drunken son of a bitch. If that boy's father were still alive, he'd kick your ass. So I'm gonna have to do it for him. If I see him with a bruise... you get a scar. If I see him with a limp... you get *crutches*! Do you hear me? Do you hear me?

    [lets Vernon go]

    Vernon: I'm reportin' you to the union!

    John: Screw you and your damn union.

  • John: [after a cave in] Come on. Come on, Jensen. Come on back.

    Jensen: What happened?

    Jake Mosby: Whole damn mountain about fell on your head. And John here, he saved your life.

    Homer: That's my dad.

    John: I want you out of this mine, and don't you ever come back, you stupid son of a bitch. Didn't I tell you to watch those pillars? Now we coulda all been killed today, because you didn't have the sense to look up!

    Homer: [ashamed] That's my dad.

  • John: [to Leon, about helping Homer] Don't you have some work to do?

  • [Insisting John help his son]

    Elsie: If you don't, I'll leave you. I'll find work. I'll do whatever it takes to get away from here. I'll live in a tree to get away from you. Don't you think I won't.

    John: [Softly] Where would you go?

    Elsie: Myrtle Beach.

  • John: [Chasing Pauline on his bike] Yvonne! Stop! I still love you! Yvonne!

    [Juliet and Pauline look out the train window at him, and grin to each other]

    Pauline Parker: [voiceover] Compared with these two, every man is a fool. The world is most honoured that they should deign to rule, and I worship the power of these lovely two, with that adoring love known to so few.

  • John: I love you so much Paul. Do you love me as much as I love you?

    Pauline Parker: Of course I do, Nicolas.

    John: My name is John.

    Pauline Parker: Oh, but I like Nicolas so much better!

  • [to Pauline]

    John: You can call me anything you like.

  • Sid: How do you spell "holiday"?

    John: S-H-I-T.

  • Nancy: What are ya doin here? You're in the studio, these places cost like fifty grand a minute. You could be really shining out! But what? You're just wonking off!

    John: Wanking!

    Nancy: What happened to you? Did you try and kiss your mother?

    John: None of your business.

    Brenda Winczor: John got beaten up by facists.

  • Rock Head: [on an exercise bike] So, it appears we are related.

    John: [drinking from a bottle of vodka - he burps] Eh?

    Rock Head: The press. They're callin' me the "Big Daddy of Punk"

    [he looks at Sid and Nancy kissing and groping on the bed]

    Rock Head: Lovely couple.

    John: Fuck you, Rock Head. What the fuck are you doin' here anyway? I think I'm gonna fuckin' puke!

    [burps again]

  • John: Go on, Sidney. Spray the beast.

  • Sid: [playing on his bass] And we don't fucking care!

    John: No, there's no "fucking". It's just "we don't care"

  • Steve: [playing darts in the pub] Get the darts Paul.

    Paul: [checks their hands] Let me see your hands, keep 'em where I can see 'em. I'm watching you, you bastards.

    [goes to the dart board]

    Sid: Hey, Paul.

    [Sid, John and Steve start throwing darts at him]

    Paul: Fuck off. Fuck off!

    Duke Bowman: Steady on boys.

    Paul: Bastards! It's not funny! You could stick me in the eye; put it in my brains, I couldn't play the drums then.

    Steve: You can't play the fuckin drums anyway.

    John: You can't play the fuckin drums anyway.

  • Sid: Why don't you shut up and fucking sing you twat.

    Paul: You're well out of time, Sid.

    Sid: Bollocks, you wanker.

    Steve: Play the fucking song, will ya.

    John: Ever get the feeling you've been cheated?

  • John: Why couldn't God make me Elvis?

    Julia: 'Cause he was saving you for John Lennon!

  • John: There's just no point hating someone you love.

  • John: Why do you know so much?I mean you don't seem like the rock and roll kind of guy

    Paul McCartney: What you mean because I don't go around smashing things up and


    Paul McCartney: acting like a dick?

    John: Yea

    Paul McCartney: No.It's the music.That's it,just music.Simple

  • John: Could you sign this please?

    Mimi: Where do I sign?

    John: Where it says 'Parent or Guardian.'

    Mimi: But which am I?

    John: Both.

  • John: Want a beer?

    Paul McCartney: I'd love a tea.

  • John: Is nowhere full of geniuses, sir? Because then I do probably belong there.

  • John: [shakes fist humorously at the air] Oh i'll get you back for that God!

  • Paul McCartney: [Paul strums Banjo softy]

    John: What is this?Fucking group practice?I don't think so.

    Pete: John it's your mum's!

    John: She's fucking dead!

    [headbutts pete and storms out]

  • [singing "Louie, Louie" drunkenly]

    John: Pogo like a bastard!

  • John: I've created a monster.

  • Lee: [talking about his mother] She not coming back, is she?

    John: I don't know. When I was your age I used to play a game called "Life is not fair". You know why they call that? Cause life is not fair. It sucks. But you gotta play. I don't know... maybe she wants to come back. But she can't.

    Lee: Maybe she's dead.

    John: What d'you say?

    Lee: I hope she is.

  • John: I used to live here. People used to live here. Real people, I thought. Everybody turned into ghosts. It was like I didn't exist anymore. Well, not everybody. Some of them turned out to be vampires. Suck me dry. People I would've never expected. My wife. Just one day I woke up, and I don't know how I didn't see it before. It's evil. Real evil. There are some evil... people in this world.

  • John: And then she just gets to live here, like nothing ever happened. The fucking vampire. I hope she dies.

    Lee: Vampires can't die. They're already dead.

    John: That's right. 'Cause they aren't people. What kind of person breaks up a family like that anyway?

  • Ray: Well, well. What do we have here?

    John: Hey man, we don't want any trouble.

    Ray: Well that's tough, 'cuz you *are* the fuckin' trouble.

    John: No trouble. Just a good-looking black man running on a hot day.

  • John: Do you love me?

    Lee: [yes]

    John: Then I need you to do something for me.

  • John: [observing people] They think all this is permanent. They don't realize the house of cards they're living in. All of them. All it would take is a little push. A few bodies. Well, more than a few bodies. Maybe five, six a day - for 30 days. Random targets. No, not random targets. When they think it's men, kill a woman. When they think it's women, kill a kid. Think it's kids, kill a pregnant woman, a grandma, a cop. At the cop's funeral, plant a bomb. Lots of bombs. Blow up a whole bus full of cops. They'd have to call in the national guard then. Total chaos. The system comes down.

  • John: You did great!

    Lee: I think it was the wrong lady.

    John: It doesn't matter. It could be anybody. Anybody could have done it. And if it could be anybody, then we're invisible.

  • Gail: Whoo, that little peanut can sing!

    John: He really can. It sounds to me, though, Gail, like his boys haven't dropped yet, if you know what I mean.

    Gail: If you mean his testicles, then I do, John. I do. I really do.

  • Gail: The Barden Bellas went deep into the archive for that song, John. I remember singing it with my own a cappella group.

    John: And what group was that, Gail?

    Gail: The Minstrel Cycles, John.

    John: Well, that's an unfortunate name.

  • Gail: I think we have just seen some a cappella history being made, John.

    John: And from an all-female group, Gail. I could never have called this one.

    Gail: Never. Well, you are a misogynist at heart, so there's no way you would have bet on these girls to win.

    John: Absolutely.

  • John: The bad boys of a cappella have just gotten badder!

    Gail: Whoo! That's right, John, I'm gonna have to excuse myself to freshen up the downtown.

    John: Can I help?

  • Gail: Is it me, or did we just take a left turn into snooze-ville?

    John: Yeah, and we parked in a lot where they do not validate.

  • John: This does not look like the fresh-faced nubile Bellas that we have come to know. Is it me, or are those skirts just not working anymore?

    Gail: You're walking the line, John. It's a nice surprise to see the Bellas mixing it up. It's refreshing, yet displeasing to the eye.

  • Gail: John, a change of pace could not come soon enough here for the Barden Bellas. This is not a great way to start their season.

    John: Yeah, this number is like an elephant dart to the public's face.

  • John: Women are about as good at a cappella as they are at being doctors.

  • John: Oh my goodness gracious, would you look at this - gone are those Bella uniforms, and this is a whole new look for them, and it's hot, hot, hot!

    Gail: John, these girls could turn me!

  • John: Now this is exactly the type of performance you would expect to see at the international championship of collegiate a capella, am I right, Gail?

    Gail: Oh John, you're so right, everything else seems wrong.

  • [John is rehearsing a raunchy sex scene with his hands on Judy's breasts]

    John: It's Junction 13 that's just murder, isn't it? Total gridlock this morning.

  • John: So, what do you reckon to our new Prime Minister, then?

    Judy: Oh, I like him. I can't understand why he's not married, though.

    John: Well, you know the type. He's, uh, married to his job. Either that, or gay as a picnic basket.

  • John: I might get a shag at last!

    Judy: Naughty!

  • [looking at the video of Sol and Vinny, trapped in the foyer of the bookie's by the security door]

    Brick Top: Do you know these tits, Errol?

    Errol: I know a lot of tits, Guv'nor. But I don't know any quite as fucking stupid as these two.

    Brick Top: John?

    John: I can't help, Guv.

    [Tyrone pokes his head in the door]

    Errol: Ah, Tyrone.

    ErrolJohn: You silly fat bastard.

  • John: Hey, how come Andrew gets to get up? If he gets up, we'll all get up, it'll be anarchy.

  • Allison Reynolds: When you grow up, your heart dies.

    John: So, who cares?

    Allison Reynolds: I care.

  • [first lines]

    John: Last orders, please!

  • [Talking about the rivalry between the Barden Bellas and Das Sound Machine]

    John: This could be the most significant conflict between America and Germany in history!

    Gail: ...Crack a book, John.

  • John: Say hello to Trotsky!

  • Big Chris: I've got some bad news for you, John.

    John: What the fuck?

    [Chris closes tanning parlor on John]

    Big Chris: Mind your language in front of the boy!

    John: Jesus Christ!

    [Chris does it again]

    Big Chris: That includes blasphemy as well!

  • John: Jesus, Plank, couldn't you have got smokeless cartridges? I can't see a bloody thi - Ah! Shit! I've been shot!

    Dog: I don't fucking believe this! Can everyone stop gettin' shot?

  • John: So they had the cash.

    Paul: And the puff.

    Dog: Cheeky bastards. Count it.

    John: Shit, Dog. There's a lot. Don't you wanna do it next door?

    Dog: We're not going next door until we flay them dead men walking.

  • Ted: Oh look Johnny, if we're ever gonna get serious about openin' a restaurant we gotta start plannin' it now.

    John: Italian.

    Ted: Italian, yes.

    John: What's the special on Tuesdays?

    Ted: Eggplant parm.

    John: Chopped salad half price.

    Ted: And it's a non-restricted place.

    John: Yeah. Wait, whaddaya mean?

    Ted: Anybody can come.

    John: Of course.

    Ted: Jews are welcome.

    John: Well yeah, I mean why wouldn't they be?

    Ted: Exactly, that's what I'm saying.

    John: Yeah, but why even bring that up?

    Ted: You don't bring it up. You just let 'em in.

    John: So why mention it?

    Ted: No one will.

    John: So why are we talking about it?

    Ted: You're talkin' about it, I'm just sayin' let 'em in.

    John: Yeah, let 'em in.

    Ted: Exactly.

    John: Right.

    Ted: Good.

    John: Okay.

    Ted: No Mexicans, though.

  • John: Ted!

    Ted: I'm alive, Johnny!

    John: Oh, my God!

    Ted: I'm alive. Your magical wish worked!

    John: You're back!

    Ted: Yeah, I mean, when you sewed me up you put some of the stuffing in the wrong places, so I'm a little fucked up. But will you take care of me forever and ever?

    [starts laughing]

    Ted: I'm just kidding you. I thought it would be funny if you thought I was fucking retarded.

    John: You asshole!

    Ted: Come here, you bastard. Ha-ha! Ah!

    Lori: Welcome back, Ted.

    John: It was you. You did it.

    Ted: Son of a bitch! You wished for my life back.

    Lori: No, no, no. I wished for my life back.

  • [from trailer]

    [thunder is heard outside]

    Lori: I don't - I don't understand. I really don't. You're 35 years old and you're still scared of a little thunder?

    John: I am not!

    [Ted comes running into the bed]

    Ted: Thunder buddies for life, right, Johnny?

    John: Fucking right.

    Ted: Alright, come on, let's sing the thunder song.

    John: Alright.

    JohnTed: [singing] When you hear the sound of thunder, / Don't you get too scared. / Just grab your thunder buddy / And say these magic words: / "Fuck you, thunder! / You can suck my dick! / You can't get me thunder / 'Cause you're just God's farts!"

    [blow raspberries]

  • John: We have been dating for four years tomorrow.

    Ted: Fuck me! Nice!

    John: Let me ask you something. You don't think she's gonna be expecting something big, do you?

    Ted: What? Like anal?

  • [from trailer]

    Ted: I met a girl; she's a cashier.

    John: No way! That's awesome! We should fuckin' double date or something, you, me and Lori and w-what's her name?

    Ted: White trash name. Guess.

    John: Mandy.

    Ted: Nope.

    John: Marilyn.

    Ted: Nope.

    John: Brittany?

    Ted: Nope.

    John: Tiffany.

    Ted: Nope.

    John: Candace.

    Ted: Nope.

    John: Don't fuck with me on this! I know this shit!

    Ted: Do you see me fuckin' with you? I'm completely serious.

    John: Alright, speed round. I'm gonna rattle off some names, and when I hit it, you fuckin' buzz it, okay? You got me?

    Ted: You do it. I will tell you. Yeah.

    John: Alright: Brandy, Heather, Channing, Brianna, Amber, Serena, Melody, Dakota, Sierra, Bambi, Crystal, Samantha, Autumn, Ruby, Taylor, Tara, Tammy, Lauren, Charlene, Chantelle, Courtney, Misty, Jenny, Krista, Mindy, Noel, Shelby, Trina, Reba, Cassandra, Nikki, Kelsey, Shawna, Jolene, Urleen, Claudia, Savannah, Casey, Dolly, Kendra, Kylie, Chloe, Devon, Emmalou, fuckin' *Becky*?

    Ted: No.

    John: Wait; was it any of those names with a "Lynn" after it?

    Ted: *Yes*.

    John: Oh, I got you, motherfucker! I got you!

    [Ted laughs]

    John: Okay. Brandi-Lynn, Heather-Lynn...

    Ted: Tami-Lynn.

    John: [Exasperated] *Fuck*!

  • John: [calling 911] This guy took my teddy bear!


    John: Hello? Hello?

  • Lori: [Enters apartment and sees Ted and four hookers on the couch watching TV] Oh...

    Ted: Lori, hey, you're home early.

    Lori: What the hell is this?

    Ted: The ladies and I were just watching Jack and Jill, where Adam Sandler plays a guy and his sister, and it's, it's just awful. It's unwatchable, but y'know, they're hookers. So it's fine.

    Lori: This place is a wreck! Who are these girls?

    Ted: Oh, where are my manners? Lori, this is Angelique, Heavenly, Charene, and Sauvignon Blanc. I love you girls. Y'know, somewhere out there are four terrible fathers I wish I could thank for this great night!

    Lori: [Looks down on floor] What is that?

    Ted: Wha- what is what?

    Lori: There's a... a shit on my floor! In the corner, there is a shit!

    Ted: Oh, yeah, Yeah, we were playing Truth or Dare, and, uh, Charene was pretty ballsy.

    Lori: There is a shit on my floor!

    Ted: Well, or, or, is the floor on the shit? Is what Kierkegaard would say.

    John: [John pokes a lobster head from out the door] Rawr!

    Ted: Hahaha!

    John: Who lives here? I'm comin' to get who lives here! You owe me lobster money!

    Ted: Ahahaha! That's my buddy Johnny. Not the lobster, the guy runnin' it.

    John: [Enters the apartment] I found my phone. What's going on.

    [John suddenly looks down on the floor]

    John: Is that a shit?

    [Lori looks at John]

  • Ted: Oh hey listen, try this, I told my weed guy to step it up and he gave me that.

    [Ted passes a bong to John]

    Ted: .

    John: What is this?

    Ted: It's called "Mind Rape", it's actually pretty mellow.

    John: It doesn't sound very mellow.

    Ted: Well he only had three other batches: "Gorilla Panic", "They're coming! They're coming!" and something called "This Is Permanent"... Go on, spark it up!

  • Lori: Can I give you a ride home?

    John: No thanks, I'll walk. I might get raped but if I do I'll know it's my fault because of what I'm wearing.

  • John: [Imitating Ted] Hey Johnny, I just had a great idea. Let's go get drunk and puke on cars on the overpass.

    Ted: Oh, come on! I do not sound that much like Peter Griffin!

  • [Norah Jones is in her dressing room preparing a drink when Ted and John arrive]

    Ted: Hey, play 'Chopsticks', you jazzy slut!

    Norah Jones: Teddy!

    Ted: Hahaha! How are you?

    Norah Jones: [Hugs Ted] How are you, you fuzzy asshole?

    Ted: Well, you know I'm not a hot half-Muslim chick who sold over 37 million records, but I'm hanging in there.

    Norah Jones: Well, half-Indian, but... thanks.

    Ted: Hey, whatever. Thanks for 9/11. Hey listen - I want you to meet a good pal of mine, all right? John Bennett, Norah Jones.

    John: [Approaches Norah to shake her hand] Hi, hi, Norah Jones.

    Norah Jones: Hey. Hey there, sweaty.

    [wipes hand on her dress]

    Norah Jones: Um, you ready to bring down the house?

    John: Yes, ma'am. Yeah, thank you for the opportunity. Miss... Ma'am Jones, I... thank you.

    Ted: Jesus, you look fantastic.

    Norah Jones: Well, you're probably not used to seeing me fully clothed.

    Ted: [laughs] Yeah, I know, right? You mean... me and Norah met in 2002 at a party at Belinda Carlisle's house. And we had awkward fuzzy sex in the coat room.

    Norah Jones: Actually, you weren't so bad for a guy with no penis.

    Ted: Yeah, you know, I've written so many angry letters to Hasbro about that.

  • [from trailer]

    Ted: [dressed in a suit and tie] I look stupid.

    John: No, you don't, you look dapper.

    Ted: John, I look like something you give to your kid when you tell 'em Grandma died.

  • John: I think back to that Christmas morning and I wish I'd just gotten a Teddy Ruxpin.

    Ted: Say that again.

    John: Teddy Rux-fuckin'-pin

  • John: I don't know that you wanna go to a drug dealer with complaints.

    Ted: No. I know this guy a long time. I've known him since 9-11. You remember? I was, like, "Oh, shit, 9-11, I gotta get high."

  • Robert: Stand up straight when you're talking to me.

    John: Why the fuck would he say that?

    Donny: Sorry, you really shouldn't swear in front of children.

  • John: Can you call my cellphone?

    Lori: Yeah

    [Lori calls John's phone which plays "The Imperial March"]

    Lori: Is that my ringtone? What is that? Cause it sounds really negative.

    John: No. I-it's from The Notebook

  • Ted: [after a TV falls on John] Why are you crying?

    John: My dick was squished by the TV.

  • Ted: Lori was right about you: you *cannot* take responsibility for anything that goes on in your life.

    John: Oh, and *you* can?

    Ted: I don't *have* to! I'm a fucking *teddy bear*! Y'know somethin'? I didn't tie you up and *drag* you to that party, alright? I *wanted* you to come, because you're *supposedly* my best friend!

    John: You can't stand there and tell me havin' been with Lori has always been a threat to our friendship! I mean, it always works out so much better for *you* when we're sittin' around gettin' *fucked* up on the couch till nine am, doesn't it?

    Ted: [Scoffs] Listen to yourself. What am I, Emperor Ming here controllin' your mind? That's *your* choice, John! And by blamin' me, you're just makin' yourself look like a pussy.

  • Lori: So, Tami-Lynn, why don't you... tell us a little bit about yourself, like where you're from? I'm always fascinated to meet Ted's girlfriends.

    Tami-Lynn: What do you mean, 'girlfriends'?

    [Looking at Ted]

    Tami-Lynn: What's it like a lot of 'em or somethin'?

    Ted: N-no, that's not what she meant at all. Right, Lori? You didn't mean that.

    Lori: No, what I meant to say was Ted's very handsome, so I'm always interested in meeting the ladies that can snatch him up.

    Tami-Lynn: Did you just call me a whore?

    Lori: What?

    Tami-Lynn: You just worry about your own snatch. How about that, honey?

    TedJohn: Whoa!

    John: What the hell happened? We're having a friendly meal.

    Ted: Yeah, this was a nice evening.

    Tami-Lynn: Don't talk shit to me.

    Lori: I just asked you a question.

    Tami-Lynn: You know, you're a frickin' snob. You think you're all cool, 'cause you work at some fuckin' fancy shit place? Whatever.

    Ted: Take it easy.

    [Looks at Lori]

    Ted: Nice, Lori. Real nice.

    Lori: Me? It's not my fault she can't speak English.

    Tami-Lynn: [Gets up] Oh fuck you! Just 'cause you're on the business world and shit, you think what, everybody should suck your asshole or somethin'?

    Ted: [Grabs Tami-Lynn's hand to calm her down] Okay, all right. Tami-Lynn, come on, honey. Let's get out of here. We'll go back to my place for a couple of Vodka and Strawberry Quiks, all right? Come on.

    Tami-Lynn: You know what? I gave birth once, bitch! I can kick your fuckin' ass! And you better never should you show your face around Quincy, you hear me? Ever!

    Ted: Okay, okay, come on. Come on.

    [Ted and Tami-Lynn walk out of the restaurant]

    Ted: I didn't know you had a baby. Is it alive?

  • Robert: You can't have my Teddy bear!

    [Charges John and Lori at full speed. John punches him in the nose, knocking him unconscious to the ground]

    Lori: Jesus!

    John: I'm sorry, but somebody had to go all Joan Crawford on his ass!

  • [Norah Jones returns to the stage after an intermission]

    Norah Jones: Thank you. So I'm gonna give my chops a rest and bring a friend up to the stage. He's gonna sing a song to a special lady in the audience who he loves very much. Please, give a big hand... to John Bennett!

    [John enters the stage and waves at the crowd]

    Lori: Oh... my God.

    Rex: Holy... shit.

    [John attempts to shake Norah's hand, but she smacks his bottom on her way toward the piano. John approaches the microphone]

    Ted: I gotta fuck her again.

    John: Um, hiya. My name is John Bennett, and this is for Lori Collins, 'cause I love you. You know, this song reminds me of the most important night in my life... the night we met. Uh, this is the theme song from the movie Octopussy.

    [Norah plays the saxophone and piano to start the song]

    John: [singing off-key] All I wanted was a sweet distraction for an hour or two / Had no intention to do the things we've done...

    Ted: Still better than Katy Perry.

    John: [singing off-key] Funny how it always goes with love, when you don't look, you find / But then we're two of a kind /

    [raises voice]

    John: We move as one / We're an all-time high...

    Rex: You suck! Get off the stage - Oh, c'mon, give him a chance!

    [Crowd boos John as he continues to sing]

    Angry fan: You're an asshole!

    [Angry fan jumps off the guard rail and runs toward John, but John knocks him out with the microphone stand, sending him crashing off the stage]

    Norah Jones: Oh Jesus!

    [Security escorts John off the stage as other personnel surround the injured fan]

  • Ted: Look, all I'm saying is that Boston women are, on the whole, a paler, uglier sort than women from the elsewheres of life.

    John: That's bullshit. What about Lori? She's hot.

    Ted: No, Lori's from Pennsylvania. That's not a Boston girl.

    John: They're not that bad.

    Ted: See, the fact that you have to say "they're not that bad" means that they are that bad. Did you ever hear a Boston girl have an orgasm?

    [in exaggerated Bostonian]

    Ted: "Oh, yah! Oh, yah! Hahder! Hahder! Oh, god, that was so good. Now I'm going to stuff my fucking face with Pepperidge Farm."

  • Donny: I have to say, I've been following you ever since I was a young boy and, uh... I remember seeing you on the Carson Show and... you were just wonderful.

    Ted: Oh, yeah that was uh... that was weird ineterview: Ed thought I was ALF and he kept muttering anti semitic comments... he thought ALF was Jewish for some reason...

    Donny: Hey-hey um... Have you ever considered selling the bear?

    John: What?

    Ted: Excuse me?

    Robert: I want it.

    Ted: [defensively] Hey, I'm not an it, pal! I'm a he, alright?

    John: [Stammers and stands up; he speaks in a calm tone] I'm sorry little guy, but my bear isn't for sale. See, I've had him since I was about your age. He's very, very special to me.

    Robert: Stand up straight when you're talking to me!

    John: [Dumbfounded] Why the fuck would he say that?

  • John: Plus! A hooker took a shit in our apartment!

    [Flashback to earlier]

    Lori: OH GOD!

    John: WHAT?

    Lori: This is so gross!

    John: Did you get it yet?

    Lori: NO! I didn't get it yet!

    John: Tell me when you get it!

    Lori: OH MY GOD! I got some of it on my thumb!

    John: NO! You will never be able to cook with that thumb again!

    Lori: OH MY GOD! This is the most disgusting thing ever!

    John: NO! Get it away from me!

  • John: [during a flashback to 2008] Chris Brown can do no wrong!

  • [Rex escorts John to the second floor of his house, showing off all of his expensive memorabilia]

    Rex: This is Wade Boggs' autographed bat. I just barely outbid Phil Donahue for that at an auction.

    John: Wow, cool.

    Rex: Yeah, cool.

    [Pointing at boxing gloves on display]

    Rex: These boxing gloves worn by Joe Louis in his first fight.

    [Stops and points at abstract painting]

    Rex: This is art. Get it?

    [John shrugs]

    Rex: [Pointing at glasses on display] These were John Lennon's glasses. They're worth like a million dollars.

    [pointing at a photo frame]

    Rex: That's me and Tom Skerritt. Oh, check this out.

    [They stop in front of a display]

    Rex: This is Lance Armstrong's nut. I had it freeze-dried and bronzed. Every now and then, when life's getting me down and things are tough, I just come up here... and look at that. It reminds me that... things aren't so bad.

    John: Sometimes you feel like a nut.

    Rex: [Looks at John] Sometimes you don't.

    [They both walk to the bar]

    Rex: So, talk to me, Jonny Quest, how are things with you and Lori?

    John: You know, things are great, actually.

    Rex: Oh that's great. That is great.

    John: You know, uh, Lori would hate me for saying this, but, she told me how you are at the office. And as one gentleman to another, I just wanna say I really hope you fucking get Lou Gehrig's disease.

    Rex: [Giggles] Well, uh, let me, uh, let me get to clear the air a little. I mean, yeah, I'm kind of a fun time boss and whatnot. But look, man, I do that with everyone at the office. I'm a kook. I have no desires on your girlfriend. We work together, and that's it. You know, I think you're a great guy, and she's a very lucky girl.

    John: Well that's good to hear.

    Rex: Yeah.

  • [John gets a phone call from Ted]

    John: Excuse me.

    [Walks out of the bar as he answers his phone]

    John: Hey, Ted.

    Ted: Johnny, where are you? You gotta get over here, man!

    John: Why? What's going on?

    Ted: Okay, so I'm having a little impromptu thing with some people at my apartment, and John, Sam Jones is here.

    John: What?

    Ted: Sam Jones, Flash Fucking Gordon is here.

    John: Holy shit! What?

    Ted: You remember I said my buddy's cousin is friends with Sam Jones? My buddy's in town with his cousin. And who do you think is with him? Sam Jones. Sam Jones is here. And John, his hair is parted down the middle.

    John: Just like in the movie.

    Ted: Yes. Get over here, right now.

    John: [Whispers] Fuck, I can't! I'm with Lori here. I'm already on probation. I just... I can't.

    Ted: John, Flash Gordon was the most important figure of our formative years. He taught us right from wrong, good from evil. And that the word 'acting' apparently has an extremely broad definition. Flash Gordon is the symbol of our friendship, John. Come share this with me.

    John: [Breathing heavily] I'm coming.

    [John runs back to the bar]

    John: Rex, I gotta go. Look, I'll be back in like 30 minutes, tops, okay? But Lori cannot find out. She absolutely cannot know I was gone. If you can cover for me, I'm cool with all that other shit.

    Rex: I got your back on this. She won't know. I've been there.

    John: Alright, this is one man to another. I don't really know you, but I'm trusting you as a man. This is serious.

    Rex: Dude, one man to another, I got you on this.

    John: Thank you. I'll be back.

    [John runs out to Lori's car]

    Rex: I'm gonna have sex with your girlfriend.

  • [Sam pours tequila shots and hands them to John and Ted]

    John: Thanks, Flash.

    Sam J. Jones: There you go, my friend.

    Ted: Thank you.

    Sam J. Jones: [Offering a toast] Death to Ming!

    John: Haha!

    Ted: Yes!

    [the trio down their shots]

    Sam J. Jones: Oh, you guys seem pretty cool. You like to party?

    [Rubs nose]

    Sam J. Jones: [Blank stare at John and Ted's faces before they look at each other]

    Ted: Uh, cocaine, right?

    Sam J. Jones: Come on, dudes! Don't tell me you've never done it before.

    John: Well, uh, well not recently, no.

    Ted: I thought that was just for people in Florida.

    Sam J. Jones: You better follow me. Come on.

    [Sam walks away]

    Ted: Johnny, I'm frightened.

  • Lori: Okay here's a test to see how much you actually care about me. You remember that night after the club, we went and had late night eggs and waffles until about 5am. We watched a movie on a little TV at the diner. Name that movie?

    John: Octopussy!

    Lori: BABY! Goldstar!

  • Lori: Welcome back Ted!

    John: It was you!

    Ted: Son of a bitch! You wished for my life back!

    Lori: No! I wished for my life back.

  • Ted: Listen. You got to let me help you make things right with you and Lori.

    John: There's no putting things right. She fucking hates me.

    Ted: No, John. We can... We can get her back. Look, you remember when you were 10, and you hit that squirrel with your BB gun? And then when we saw it fall from the tree, we both started crying, you remember? And then we ran up to it and we tried to give it CPR, and it came back to life. John, we could do that again.

    John: Ted, we crushed its ribcage and blew out its lungs trying to give it CPR. It died.

  • Ted: You know, you're acting like a cock, you know that?

    John: What, I'm acting like a cock?

    Ted: Yes, you are, so shut your meat hole for a second, and listen to me.

    John: Huh?

    Ted: Meat hole, huh, wait, that's not right, is it? No, pudding hole is that what they say? No, it can't be right either, because

    [impersonating Roger Waters]

    Ted: you can't have any pudding, if you don't eat your meat!


    Ted: Pink Floyd.

  • [John rushes to Ted's apartment]

    Ted: Johnny, thank Christ you made it.

    John: Dude, I got 10 minutes. Where's Flash Gordon?

    Ted: Okay, get ready. Hey Sam, this is the guy I was telling you about.

    ['Flash's Theme' plays as John sees Sam Jones turn around and walk toward him. He then imagines a scene from 'Flash Gordon' where they both ride a rocket cycle in the skies of Mongo]

    Sam J. Jones: How you doing?

    [Offers bro fist]

    Sam J. Jones: Good to meet you.

    John: [Does bro fist with Sam] I thank you for saving every one of us.

    Sam J. Jones: You're welcome.

    Ted: He acknowledged it!

    Sam J. Jones: Let's do some shots.

    John: With you?

    Ted: Oh my God.

    John: Yes! Oh my God, yes!

    Ted: Totally, yes!

    Sam J. Jones: Let's go!

  • John: I could have wound up like that Asian guy at Virginia Tech but I didn't because of him. So I'm not that psyched to just, like, kick him out.

    Lori: It's good to know that a talking teddy bear is the only thing that prevented you from gunning down your classmates.

  • Lori: [after Tami-Lynn leave after an argument with Lori] What a cunt.

    John: [covers his ears] No, I hate that word!

  • John: [from deleted scene] I could've ended up like that Asian kid at Virginia Tech, but I didn't because of Ted.

    Lori: Well it's good to know that a talking teddy bear is the only thing that prevented you from gunning down your classmates.

  • [John is in Thomas' office for being late and for Ted damaging one of the rental cars]

    Thomas: John, it's almost 10:00.

    John: I know, sir. I'm sorry, it wasn't my fault.

    Thomas: What do you mean?

    John: Why? I, I guess I wasn't really prepared for a follow-up question.

    Thomas: John, all you got to do is to not fuck up, and you get my job when I go to Corporate next month. You're the new branch manager. All you got to do is not fuck up.

    John: I realize that.

    Thomas: Good. Glad to hear. Because in a month, my life could be your life. A cushy, $38,000 a year branch manager who is personal friends with Tom Skeritt? Not a bad life, is it?

    John: No.

    Thomas: [Taps desk] Let me show you something that I don't like to show people, because I don't want them treating me differently.

    [Pulls out a picture frame from his top drawer]

    Thomas: Lo, that's me and Skeritt.

    John: Wow.

    Thomas: Goddamn right, wow.

    [Places picture frame back in drawer]

    Thomas: I'm gonna dock you for dinging the car and for showing up late, okay? Try to be a little more responsible tomorrow.

    John: I will, sir. I promise.

    [as Thomas writes the disciplinary report, John points at him with both hands]

    John: [Impersonating Tom Skeritt] Not gonna let you down, Goose.

    Thomas: What?

    John: Top Gun.

    Thomas: So?

    John: Tom Skeritt.

    Thomas: I know that. Get out of here, okay?

    John: Thank you, sir.

  • John: You're a baller, Doris. Straight up!

  • John: I met a woman in the elevator this morning. We hardly exchanged more than a few words, but she made a big impression on me. She's standing right there... Look lady, I don't even know your name, but you set off a fire inside of me that I've not been able to put out since the moment I laid eyes on you. Can we explore this?

  • John: Hey, by the way, Nicky, check this out, what's Ozzy tryin' to say there?

    Nicky: John, absolutely nothing, the blizzard always came straight with his messages, but wrap your minds around this, gentlemen.

    [Pulls out a Chicago album]

    Todd: I love this song.

    [Nicky plays the album backwards -"I command you, in the name of Lucifer, to spill the blood of the innocent..."]

    Peter: Oh my God, Chicago kicks ass!

  • Peter: Drink up. Here's to fifty million clams.

    Adrian: To the defilement of Earth and the corruption of its people.

    Peter: Okay whatever, just drink it.

    Adrian: It's awfully hot down here. How do you manage to stay so cool?

    John: Uh, beer lowers the body temperature. I read that in a beer magazine.

    Adrian: This liquid would probably quench my thirst, cool me off.

    Peter: Definitely.

    John: It'll give you a pretty good buzz.

    Adrian: Or maybe it will trap me inside for all of eternity.

    John: Uh, no it won't.

  • John: Hail, Nicky!

    Peter: We are forever your slaves!

  • Todd: You know, this cake tastes kind of funny.

    John: Oh yeah, I dumped a fat sack of reefer into the mix. I thought I'd spice up the batch.

    Mr. Beefy: Really?

    Nicky: What's Reefer?

    Mr. Beefy: About five Hundred bucks an ounce.

  • Peter: Did you check out the dragon mouth?

    John: The Dark Prince is here!

  • Adrian: What time is my brother expected to arrive?

    John: Noon...

    John: [looks at the clock and sees that it's past noon, desperate] ... ish?

  • John: Dude, am I gonna have a hangover? Because, I want one.

  • John: If something is too good to be true, you can bet it's not.

  • Jack: With age comes wisdom.

    John: With age comes exhaustion.

  • John: John: And you buy into her bullshit because she seems to know all the right things to say. She knows names, she knows buzzwords, she knows certain cultural phrases that imply that she knows more than she does.

  • John: Oh God! Here comes the bullshit!

  • Jack: It's sort of charming that she's a con artist.

    John: Yes. She does have a certain something, which trumps logic. So go ahead, walk into the propeller.

  • John: A year with her, she would've had you free fall parachuting and adopting Burmese orphans.

  • Voice of Documentarian: So you've, uh, you've judged a lot of pageants over the years?

    John: No, no, no way, no. Never judged a pageant before in my life. Mm-mm. No way. Never been around young girls. I mean, even if I was, I mean, why would I wanna be, y'know? I-I don't get off on that kinda thing and that's really why you're askin', right?


    John: Someone say somethin'?

  • Harold Vilmes: So, who gets the crown? How are you going to figure this all out?

    John: Well, you know, we'll, uh, compare scores and, uh, figure out a winner because, I mean, we don't know who the winner is yet. I mean, I have no idea who Jean picked, or Harold... No idea.

    Hank Vilmes: I know who da winner is. I know who da winner - Harold! I know who da winner is!

    John: That's it... You shut your Goddamn mouth, you shut your Goddamn mouth you Goddamn retard!

    [he climbs over the table and jumps onto Hank, wrestling him to floor]

    Harold Vilmes: [pulling John away and pushing him into chair] Come on! Back off, college boy, now listen...

    [he pulls John's tie and it rips off - it's a clip-on]

    Harold Vilmes: Hanky here can't help it if he was born crazier than a shit house rat!

    John: Well, for fuck's sake, why didn't you leave him with a sitter?

    [Hank starts to cry]

    Harold Vilmes: Nice, John. That's real nice... You know the babysitter's dead!

  • [Kevin and Finch are looking for Jim's grandmother]

    Kevin Myers: Guys, what are you doing here?

    John: The old bitch sucked, so we ditched her.

  • John: [peers his head in the elevator] You'll never make the six.

  • John: You listen to me. You say you don't want to tell me how to live my life. So what do you think you've been doing? You tell me what rights I've got or haven't got, and what I owe to you for what you've done for me. Let me tell you something. I owe you nothing! If you carried that bag a million miles, you did what you're supposed to do! Because you brought me into this world. And from that day you owed me everything you could ever do for me like I will owe my son if I ever have another. But you don't own me! You can't tell me when or where I'm out of line, or try to get me to live my life according to your rules. You don't even know what I am, Dad, you don't know who I am. You don't know how I feel, what I think. And if I tried to explain it the rest of your life you will never understand. You are 30 years older than I am. You and your whole lousy generation believes the way it was for you is the way it's got to be. And not until your whole generation has lain down and died will the dead weight of you be off our backs! You understand, you've got to get off my back! Dad... Dad, you're my father. I'm your son. I love you. I always have and I always will. But you think of yourself as a colored man. I think of myself as a man. Now, I've got a decision to make, hm? And I've got to make it alone, and I gotta make it in a hurry. So would you go out there and see after my mother?

  • John: After all, a lot of people are going to think we are a shocking pair.

  • John: How do you do, Miss Binks?

    Tillie: I got somethin' to say to you, boy. Just exactly what you tryin' to pull here?

    John: I'm not trying to pull *anything*. I was lookin' to find me a wife.

    Tillie: Ain't that just likely! You wanna answer me somethin'? What kind of doctor you supposed to be, anyhow?

    John: Would you believe horse?

    Tillie: Oh! You make with witticisms and all, huh? Well let me tell you somethin'. You may *think* you're foolin' Miss Joey and her folks, but you ain't foolin' me for a minute. You think I don't see what you are? You're one of those smooth-talkin', smart-ass niggers, just out for all you can get, with your Black Power all that other troublemakin' nonsense. And you listen here. I brought up that child from a baby in her cradle, and ain't *nobody* gonna harm her done while I'm here watchin'. And as long as *you* are *anywhere* around this house, I'm right here watchin'. You read me, boy? You bring any trouble in here you just like to find out what Black Power *really* means! And furthermore to that, you ain't even all that good-lookin'!

  • [first lines]

    John: You know, I just had a thought. Why don't I go check into a hotel and get some rest, and you go find your folks?

  • John: [on phone] Dad, there's... one or two problems, you see... that I'll write to you about on the plane to New York tonight, alright?

  • Grandpa: What the... what the hell is this?

    John: That's lite beer.

    Grandpa: Gee, I weigh ninety goddamn pounds, and you bring me this sloppin' foam?

    John: Ariel's got me on a diet because the doc said my cholestorol's a little too high.

    Grandpa: Well let me tell you something now, Johnny. Last Thursday, I turned 95 years old. And I never exercised a day in my life. Every morning, I wake up, and I smoke a cigarette. And then I eat five strips of bacon. And for lunch, I eat a bacon sandwich. And for a midday snack?

    John: Bacon.

    Grandpa: Bacon! A whole damn plate! And I usually drink my dinner. Now according to all of them flat-belly experts, I should've took a dirt nap like thirty years ago. But each year comes and goes, and I'm still here. Ha! And they keep dyin'. You know? Sometimes I wonder if God forgot about me. Just goes to show you, huh?

    John: What?

    Grandpa: Huh?

    John: Goes to show you what?

    Grandpa: Well it just goes... what the hell are you talkin' about?

    John: Well you said you drink beer, you eat bacon and you smoke cigarettes, and you outlive most of the experts.

    Grandpa: Yeah?

    John: I thought maybe there was a moral.

    Grandpa: No, there ain't no moral. I just like that story. That's all. Like that story.

  • [the elder Mr. Gustafson has passed away]

    Max: I knew your old man longer than I knew my own.

    John: He was always very fond of you, Max.

    Max: He was a good man.

    John: The best.

    Max: You know I didn't mean what I said about Melanie.

    John: And you know how I really feel about Jacob.

    Max: Yeah, well, he deserves to be happy.

    John: He deserves Melanie.

    Max: Hmmmm. Well, whaddya wanna do now?

    John: You wanna get drunk?

    Max: Yeah.

  • Max: I am the gangster of love

    John: Gangster, huh? So tell me, was it more of a hold up than a stick up?

    Max: Even your infantile penis jokes seem funny and witty this morning.

  • [At Maria's resturante in front of Ariel, Maria and Max]

    John: Nobody slept with anybody.'

    [Shows up in the background]

    Grandpa Gustafson: Speak for yourself.

  • [after finally catching Catfish Hunter]

    Max: If I die today, I die a happy man.

    John: You die today, I'm taking your motor.

  • John: Baby, just tell me what the hell happened?

    Alice: I fell down the stairs.

    John: We don't have stairs.

  • Ricky: So, uh, what sort of dog do you two have? I heard him howling last night. Sounds like a big fellow.

    John: Oh, we don't have a dog. That was just some really violent sex.

  • Alice: It's the first time I've been the breadwinner, and it feels good.

    John: It's not a paycheck. Alice, this is not a job.

    Alice: Good. Most people kill themselves for decades and get nowhere.

  • John: Let's review. He has at least two guns, probably a collection of knives - including the kind that curves like it was designed specifically for cutting out the entrails of smaller men with a better developed sense of humor.

  • Boris Yellnikoff: Can you believe this cracker, this red state Neanderthal, this mindless zombie of the National Rifle Association?

    John: My shrink says that the guns were all a manifestation of my sexual inadequacy.

    Boris Yellnikoff: Yeah, if it wasn't for sexual inadequacy the National Rifle Association would go broke!

  • John: Who's this?

    Boris Yellnikoff: Who are *you*?

    Melodie St. Ann Celestine: This is Boris, my husband.

    John: Boris your who?

    Melodie St. Ann Celestine: He's my husband, I'm Mrs. Boris Yellnikoff.

    John: Who are you?

    Boris Yellnikoff: I'm her husband. You want to pass out here, or go into the living room.

  • John: I can't believe what I'm seein'. I mean, your clothes are different, your speech is a little more affected; but, deep down I know you're the same pretty, small town, God fearin', church goin', pie bakin'...

    Marietta: I'm livin' with two guys.

    John: girl scout Mom. Your-your what?

    Marietta: I'm an artist. I-I-I don't bake pies. I don't go to church. I-I-I do collages, sculptures, photography. I live in Manhattan with two men who I Love - in a very happy ménage à trois.

    John: A what?

    Marietta: We all sleep together. A ménage à trois.

    John: I knew we should never trust the goddamn French.

  • John: [as he kneels down to pray] Lord I've sinned, please forgive me!

    Boris Yellnikoff: Why do all the religious psychotics wind up praying in my doorstep?

  • John: [Talking about Mandy] Well, I can't go back to her.

    Marietta: Aw, why not?

    John: She cast dispersions on my manhood.

    Marietta: Aw!

    Boris Yellnikoff: What do we talking : size, duration, erectile dysfunction?

  • Reporter: How did you find America?

    John: Turned left at Greenland.

  • George: That's not your grandfather!

    Paul: It is, you know.

    George: But I've seen your grandfather! He lives in your house!

    Paul: Oh, that's my other grandfather, but he's my grandfather, as well.

    John: How do you reckon that one out?

    Paul: Well, everyone's entitled to two, aren't they?

  • Norm: The place is surging with girls.

    John: Please, sir, sir, can I have one to surge me, sir, please, sir?

    Norm: No, you can't!

  • George: [as TV Director walks away with PA] There he goes. Look at him. Bet his wife doesn't know about her.

    John: If he's got one. Look at his sweater.

    Paul: You never know, she might have knitted it.

    John: She knitted him.

  • John: Hey, look at the talent. Let's give them a pull.

    Paul: Should I?

    George: Aye, but don't rush. None of your five-bar gate jumps and over sort of stuff.

    Paul: What's that supposed to mean?

    George: I don't know, I just thought it sounded distinguished-like.

    John: George Harrison, the Scouse of distinction!

  • Millie: Oh, wait a minute, don't tell me who you are.

    John: No, I'm not.

    Millie: Oh, you are.

    John: I'm not.

    Millie: Oh, you are, I know you are.

    John: I'm not, no.

    Millie: You look just like him.

    John: Do I? You're the first one that's said that ever.

    Millie: [motions to the mirror] Yes, you do. Look.

    John: No, my eyes are lighter. The nose.

    Millie: Oh, your nose is very.

    John: Is it?

    Millie: I would have said so.

    John: Oh, you know him better, though.

    Millie: I do not! He's only a casual acquaintance.

    John: That's what you say.

    Millie: What have you heard?

    John: [leans in, lowers his voice] It's all over the place.

    Millie: Is it? Is it really?

    John: Mmm, but I wouldn't have it. I stuck up for you.

    Millie: I knew I could rely on you.

    John: Thanks.

    Millie: [puts on her glasses] You don't look like him at all.

    [John walks away, pouting]

    John: [to himself] She looks more like him than I do.

  • Ringo: I don't snore.

    George: You do, repeatedly.

    Ringo: Do I snore, John?

    John: Yeah, you're a window-rattler, son.

    Ringo: That's just your opinion. Do I snore, Paul?

    Paul: With a trombone hooter like yours, it would be unnatural if you didn't.

    Grandfather: Now, Paulie... don't mock the afflicted.

    Paul: Ah, come off it, it's only a joke!

    Grandfather: Aye, it may be a joke to you, but it's his nose. He can't help having a hideous great hooter! And his poor little head, trembling under the weight of it!

  • [Ringo gets a large pile of fan mail]

    John: Must have cost you a fortune in stamps, Ringo.

    George: He comes from a large family.

  • [the boys are listening to the radio]

    Man on Train: And we'll have that thing off as well, thank you.

    Ringo: But...

    Man on Train: An elementary knowledge of the Railway Acts would tell you that I'm perfectly within my rights.

    Paul: Yeah, but we want to hear it, and there's more of us than you. We're a community, like, a majority vote. Up the workers and all that stuff!

    Man on Train: Then I suggest you take that damned thing to the corridor or some other part of the train where you obviously belong.

    John: [Leaning over to the man] Give us a kiss.

  • Ringo: [referring to half-dressed room service waiter hiding in the wardrobe] Any of you lot put a man in the cupboard?

    George: Nah!

    Paul: Don't be soft!

    Ringo: Well, someone did.

    George: [George gets up, walks over, looks in the cupboard, then sits back down]

    George: He's right, you know

    John: There you go.

  • [the Beatles are late for a rehersal]

    T.V. Floor Manager: They'll be here.

    T.V. Director: Yes, well, if they aren't on this stage in precisely thirty seconds there'll be trouble? Do you hear me? Trouble.

    [exactly three seconds after he stops speaking, the Beatles calmly amble on stage]

    John: [to director] Standin' around, hey? Some people have it dead easy.

  • John: We know how to behave! We've had lessons.

  • John: We've broken out! Ah, the blessed freedom of it all! Have you got a nail file, these handcuffs are killin me! I was framed, I'm innocent, I don't want to go!

    Paul: Sorry for disturbing you, girls!

    John: I betchya can't guess what I was in for!

    [laughs psychotically]

  • [Paul, John and George come out of the studio, looking for Ringo]

    Paul: Let's split up and look for him!

    [Paul walks away, George and John follow him. Paul turns around]

    John: We've become a limited company.

  • Norm: Now look, I've had a marvelous idea. Just for once, let's all try to behave like ordinary, respectable citizens. Let's not cause any trouble, pull any strokes, or do anything I'm gonna be sorry for. Especially tomorrow at that television theater, because...

    [looks at John, who is holding up a bottle to his nose]

    Norm: Are you listening to me, Lennon?

    John: You're a swine. Isn't he, George?

    George: Yeah, a swine.

    Norm: [indifferently] Thanks.

  • Grandfather: Hullo.

    John: He can talk then, can he?

    Paul: 'Course he can talk. He's a human being, isn't he?

    Ringo: Well if he's your grandfather, who knows! Ha ha ha!

  • John: Ringo, what are you up to?

    Ringo: [Ringo is sitting under a hairdryer wearing a beefeater's bearskin hat and reading a magazine] Page five!

    John: You always fancied yourself as a guardsman, didn't you?

  • Norm: Now you've got about an hour, but don't leave the theater. Where are you going, John?

    John: [with a dancing girl] She's gonna show me her stamp collection.

    Paul: [also with a girl] So's mine.

    Norm: John, I'm talking to you! This final run-through is important, understand? IMPORTANT!

    [John snorts like a pig, then leaves]

    Grandfather: I want a cup of tea!

    Norm: Uh, Shake?

    Shake: [reaching for a guitar] Um... I've got to adjust the decibels on the imbalance, Norm.

    Norm: Clever. George?

    [George puts his fingers in his ears]

    Norm: Ringo, look after him, will you?

    Ringo: Ah, Norm!

    Norm: Do I have to raise my voice?

    Ringo: All right. Come on, Granddad.


    Ringo: I'm a drummer, not a wet nurse, you know?

  • John: [repeated line; to Norm] You're a swine.

  • Norm: I thought I told you lot to stay here. When I say stay put, I mean stay put.

    John: [drops to his knees] Don't cane me, sir! I was led astray.

    Norm: Shut up, John!

  • Norm: [sees Paul's grandfather for the first time] Hey!

    GeorgePaulJohnRingo: [in unison] Who's that little old man?

    Norm: Well, who is he?

    Ringo: He belongs to Paul.

  • John: [cuts tailor's tape measure with scissors and in girly voice] I now declare this bridge open!

  • Norm: Come on, you lot! Get your pens out!

    George: Why?

    Norm: It's homework time for you load of college puddings. I want this lot answered TONIGHT!

    Ringo: [sulking] Aww... I want to go out.

    Norm: Now, I'll brook no denial!

    John: You couldn't get a pen in your foot, you swine.

    Norm: Ooh! Chatter on, son. Chatter on! A touch of the writer's cramp will soon sort YOU out!

  • Grandfather: It's my considered opinion that you're a bunch of sissies.

    John: You're just jealous.

    Norm: Leave him alone, Lennon... or I'll tell them all the truth about you.

    John: You wouldn't.

    Norm: Oh, I would, though.

  • John: He's sex obsessed! The older generation's leading our nation in a state of galloping ruin!

  • Ringo: It's the Circle Club.

    Paul: [reads aloud the invite] "The management of the Circle Club takes pleasure in requesting the company of Mr. Richard Starkey - that's you - to their gaming rooms. Chemin de Fer, Baccarat, and Champagne buffet".

    Ringo: They want me.

    John: It's gotten around you're a big spender.

    Norm: [snatches the card from Paul] Well, you're not going.

    Ringo: Aww!

    Grandfather: [snatches the card from Norm] Quite right. Invites to gambling dens full of easy money and fast women. Chicken sandwiches and carts full of caviar. Disgusting!

    Ringo: That's mine!

  • John: Gear costume.

    Actor: Swap?

    John: Cheeky!

  • [Huge stacks of fan mail is delivered]

    Ringo: None for me, then?

    Norm: Sorry.

    John: [handing Ringo one letter] Here, this'll keep you busy.

  • Norm: I just have one thing to say to you, John Lennon.

    John: What's that?

    Norm: You're a swine.

  • John: [John is combing a fake beard in the mirror; girlish voice] My name's Betty.

  • Paul: Yeah, where's the old mixer?

    Grandfather: Here, Paulie.

    Paul: I've got a few words to say to you, two-faced John McCartney.

    John: Oh, leave him alone. He's back, isn't he? He can't help being old.

    Paul: What's being old got to do with it? He's a trouble-maker and a mixer, that's good enough for me!

  • John: You should have gone west to America. You would have been a senior citizen of Boston. But you took a wrong turn, and what happened? You're a lonely old man from Liverpool.

    Grandfather: But I'm clean.

    John: Are you?

  • John: Hey he's reading the Queen... that's an in joke, you know.

  • John: [to Grandpa as he sulks] Don't worry son, we'll get you the best lawyer green stamps can buy.

    Paul: Oh ho, it's a laugh a line with Lennon!

    Paul: Anyway, it's your fault.

    [points to Ringo]

    Ringo: Why me?

    George: Why not you?

    [pause, he looks around baggage holding, pats the dog next to him]

    John: God, it's depressing in here, isn't it? Funny. They usually reckon dogs more than people in England. You'd expect something more palatial.

    [turns back to Paul]

    John: Let's do something then.

    Paul: Like what?

    [John takes out a pack of cards]

    Paul: Okay.

    George: [as the schoolgirls arrive to watch] Cor, there's the girls.

    Ringo: I'll deal 'em.

    John: [Ringo separates the cards into two even piles and simply flicks through them] Aye aye, the Liverpool Shuffle.

    Ringo: [after montage of them playing with 'I Should Have Known Better' in background, Ringo has won] Mine, all mine!

    John: He's wearing his lucky rings.

  • John: And we're looking after him, are we?

    Grandfather: I'll look after myself.

    Paul: Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of.

    John: He's got you worried, then?

    Paul: Him? He's a villain, a real mixer. And he costs you a fortune in Breach of Promise cases.

  • John: Control yourself. You'll spurt.

  • T.V. Director: Now, look. If you think I'm unsuitable, let's have it out in the open. I can't stand these backstage politics.

    John: Aren't you tending to black-and-white the situation somewhat?

    T.V. Director: Well, quite honestly, I wasn't expecting a musical arranger to question my ability picture-wise.

    John: [to the others] I could listen to him for hours.

  • T.V. Director: I won an award.

    John: A likely story.

    T.V. Director: It's on the wall in my office.

  • Norm: Hey! Have you seen Paul's grandfather?

    John: Of course. He's concealed about my person.

    Norm: [rolls his eyes] Now, he must have slipped off somewhere!

    Paul: Have you lost him?

    Norm: Don't exaggerate.

    Paul: You've lost him!

    Shake: Put it this way, Paulie: he's mislaid him.

  • Dave: [into to phone] Who is this?

    John: [on the phone] It's John. Can you hear me?

    Dave: [whispering] I can hear you and I can see you. You're sitting right here next to me.

    John: Well then, just talk to me in person then. Oh wait, do I look injured in any way?

    Dave: What?

    John: Shh. I'm sorry, I gotta go. Say hello to me...

    John: [across the table] Was that me?

  • John: [while being taken to the Mall of the Dead, John suddenly wakes up] Man! Where are we?

    Dave: We're in some liquor truck and we're on our way to the abandoned mall on Highway 59.

    John: Did you say we going to the mall, or coming back from it?

    Dave: Going!

    John: Yeah, that's right, because F-f-fred's still alive.

    Fred Chu: What?

    John: Nothing, nothing. I... got a headache.

  • John: Uhhhh... check between the sausage and the bun. You should find a hundred dollar bill rolled up in there.

    Dave: [looks between sausage and bun] There's no money in the bratwurst. It's just a piece of lettuce.

    John: OK.


    John: Do you have your ATM card?

  • Dave: [answers second call from John] Hello?

    John: Hey, this is John. Your pimp says, bring the crack shipment tonight or he'll be forced to stick you. Meet him where we buried the Korean whore, the one *without* the goatee.

    Dave: [v.o] That was John's code. It meant, "Bring your gear and come to my place as soon as you can. It's important."

    Dave: John, it's three in the morning, man.

    John: Oh, and don't forget: tomorrow's the day we kill the president.

    Dave: John.

    [the phone beeps as John ends the call]

    Dave: [v.o] That last part was code for, "Stop and pick me up some beer on the way."

    [turns off phone]

  • John: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

    Dave: That if Franz Kafka was here, his head would explode?

    John: Actually, yeah.

  • John: [through Bark Lee to Dave] You don't choose the Soy Sauce; the Soy Sauce chooses you!

  • John: Women love to play games, don't they?

    Dave: It's all they have time for.

  • [discussing the calendar]

    Chris: It *should* be bloody George Clooney. I mean, come the toss between Burnsall Church and George Clooney, I know which I'd rather wake up looking at.

    John: It is a Norman church, you know.

    Chris: I'm not disputing the loveliness of the church, John. It's the firmness of the buttocks I'm worried about.

  • John: Tell you what. If you want me to speak at the WI you'd better get it in quick.

  • John: Don't you go buying any benches.

    Annie: I'll do what the hell I like John Clarke.

    John: If you put a bench out here, it'll have "Leeds stuffed Arsenal" on it before you get back to the car.

  • John: One seed in each pot, you're bloody useless you are.

  • John: I'll model for you for nowt.

    Chris: No thanks John. I've just seen your backside and believe me, it's nothing like George's.

  • Chris: Are you throwing my cake? That is disrespectful!

    John: It's very good.

    Chris: Course it's good. They don't give the May Wilkinson out lightly you know.

  • Pat Greer: Oh, sure, your name is John, and you're just a hard-working, law-abiding citizen running a shithole bar where you got... no customers.

    John: Is bad location.

  • John: You can stay.

    Puggy: [about the muggers] They took all my money.

    John: It's okay. Free beer.

  • John: Look, Ed, you put *anybody* on television sixteen hours a day, and sooner or later they're going to fall off a table and land on a cat.

  • John: [to Cassie after falling on the ground trying to escape from the school] I lost too much blood.

  • John: What are you doing here in the forest with Shrek.

    Molly: I was gonna pee in the bushes, and you took my spot.

  • John: Been in kind of a dark, existential place, to tell you the truth and then... I met your mom.

  • John: Who's your friend? Bozo the Clown?

    Charlie: Bozo the Death Machine.

  • Sophia: If you just wanted sex, go to a prostitute.

    John: Well, as it turns out, I did.

  • Nadia: [in Russian] Are you a giraffe?

    John: [in Russian] Yes.

  • Nadia: You can't hurt me more than I'm hurt already.

    John: Well, Nadia, if it's all the same to you, I'd like to give it a bash.

  • John: [first lines - to the camera] Running, reading, going out, staying in, countryside, films - if they're good. Intelligent, of course, kind, pretty - I suppose, but it's not critical. Someone you can *really* talk to. I think communication is key.

  • John: [Asking "Nadia" a bogus question, to see if she really does understand English] Are you a giraffe?

    Nadia: Yes.

  • John: Excuse me. It's two Russians are staying here. Do you know which floor they're on?

    Porter: Yes, I know which floor they're on.

    John: [takes a banknote out of his pocket and holds it] And which floor would that be?

    Porter: [taking the banknote] We've only got one floor.

  • Nadia: My name is Sophia.

    John: Sophia. Hello, Sophia. Mine's still John.

    Nadia: Hello, John.

  • John: I'll give you a tune later.

  • [last lines]

    Sophia: My name is Sophia.

    John: Sophia. Hello Sophia. Mine's still John.

    Sophia: Hello John.

  • John: Can I have a "I'm a complete dumbass pussy sundae" please?

  • [last lines]

    John: [narrating] So we dream on, inventing our lives; a little lost sister, a saintly mother, a hero father. But our dreams escape us however vividly we imagine them. There's only one thing you can do, keep passing the open windows.

  • John: Love floats, just like sorrow.

  • John: [silently mouths] What the fuck?

  • John: This is a list of things that I want, and have wanted, for a long time. Straight from the heart - no fucking around: to be with you; to live with you; and to eventually, you know, to marry you; to have your child... or...

    Deirdre: ...for me to have yours...

    John: ...yes, all my children - however many - three, four...

    Deirdre: Go on.

    John: grow old with you; to know - and that's the main thing - to know, all right? that you feel the same. That's it.

  • John: You don't just took up when the next fellow walks by!

  • Karen: Do you have anything to say for yourself?

    John: Erm... Go fuck yourself?

    Mr. Henderson: Don't worry. I didn't expect anything else.

    John: Ah, go fuck yourself!

  • John: Those are the actions, and I have no qualms about saying it, of a whore

    Deirdre: Get Out! Get Out!

  • John: It isn't acceptable, Deirdre. After what, five? six weeks? This is bollocks! You don't fuckin... you don't just hook up with the next fellow who walks by. The only reason you do that is if you never cared in the first place. And that's cold, man. That is the behavior of, and I have no qualms about saying it, of a whore!

  • Deirdre: Might's not definite, is it?

    John: No.

    Deirdre: It's a vague enough term at best.

  • Oscar: Wisftul, Are ya?

    John: Among other emotions!

  • John: How's Kathy?

  • John: There's a nice pair'a Gucci loafers!

  • Samantha Abbott: John, I don't want you to *propose* to me just because I'm pregnant.

    John: [chuckles] And I don't want you to say yes just 'coz I gave you pancakes.

  • [Samantha starts crying after seeing her sonogram]

    John: Talk to me. What's going on? What's happening? Is this... because she's a girl?

    Samantha Abbott: No.

    John: Is it because it's a baby?

    [Samantha nods yes]

    John: Oh, baby. We knew there was a baby in there.

    Samantha Abbott: No, not really.

  • [In the USG room]

    John: So... you're just relieved?

    Samantha Abbott: I just I feel like I just found out I'm having a baby.

  • Samantha Abbott: Pink dinosaurs. Oh, I love 'em.

    John: Right?

    Samantha Abbott: I love' em.

    John: I was so psyched when I saw these.

    Samantha Abbott: Oh, they're perfect.

    John: I can't believe they exist.

    Samantha Abbott: Well yeah technically, they're extinct.

  • John: $500! What the hell did you buy for 500 dollars?

    Lilah: Jokes.

  • Television Announcer: George and Elizabeth Bennetson got into their car to go to a party... But this wasn't going to be the kind of party they expected. The guests are about to arrive -

    John: Billy, will you turn that thing off?

    Billy: I did turn it off.

  • [the termination of Henrietta's servants continues]

    Henry Graham: Oh, John?

    John: Yes, sir?

    Henry Graham: John, do you think we ought to scrap our cars?

    John: [confused] Huh?

    Henry Graham: You see, according to your gas consumption and mileage record, each car averages 15 miles a day at one mile per gallon while parked in the garage. It would mean bankruptcy if we actually took 'em out on the road.

    John: Well, those figures are wrong by about, um... half?

    Henry Graham: John, do you have a suitcase?

    John: Yeah. I have, uh... five. I could always use another one.

    Henry Graham: Five will do very nicely, John. Pack all five and be out of this house in 45 minutes, or I will shoot you on-sight for trespassing.

    John: [stammers] I - I - I don't get it.

    Henry Graham: I'll try to clarify it, John. You are being fired because you are a cheap crook. Now, if you are not out of this house and off these grounds in 45 minutes, I will shoot you as a trespasser with proved criminal intentions...

    [pulls out his .38 snub nose gun; the servants backs up]

    Henry Graham: and I am an excellent shot. Does that make it clearer?

    John: Well, uh...


    John: if you're going to act like that, uh, I quit.

    [John, storms off the premises insulted]

    Henry Graham: [to the remaining servants] As for the rest of you, you have exactly two hours to get out.


    Henry Graham: OUT!

    [then to the youngest maid, now in tears]

    Henry Graham: And I do not believe THAT for one second!

  • Duff: We should make up some fake names.

    John: Why?

    Duff: Just in case we have to communicate while we're inside.

    John: OK.

    Duff: I wanna be Kyle. I knew this guy at camp. He was maybe 13. He got *two* girls pregnant, man. *Two* girls pregnant. Yea, Kyle. Who you gonna be?

    John: Steve...

    Duff: Steve.

    John: Yeah.

    Duff: OK, Steve.

    John: OK, Kyle.

    [John and Duff continue walking]

    Duff: Wait.

    John: What?

    Duff: I wanna change. I wanna be Steve.

    John: I'm Steve; You're Karl.

    Duff: Kyle!

  • Duff: Maybe we can use slingshots to rob the place.

    John: A slingshot is not a real weapon, Duff.

    Duff: Oh, yeah? Well maybe you'd like to define the word "weapon' for me while this plastic doll smashes into your temple at 180 miles per hour.

  • John: [coming out of his house] Why didn't you just ring the door bell?

    Duff: [whispering] I didn't wanna wake Elaine.

  • Duff: I'm not goin' in.

    John: What?

    Duff: Someone has to watch in case he comes home.

    John: I thought you said he was going to be out all night.

    Duff: He *will* be out all night.

    John: Then why do we need a look-out?

    Duff: We don't. Just go in.

    John: You go in.

    Duff: Look, I'm not the one that needs the money. Why should I assume the risk?

    John: What risk?

    Duff: There is no risk.

    [John shows his mad face and shakes his head]

    Duff: Just go!

  • John: Dave! John Plummer. Remember? You used to call me "asshole"?

    David Loach: I call everybody "asshole."

    John: Yes, but I believe I was the first. We were five, maybe six at the time?

    David Loach: Congratulations, asshole. Now get to the point.

  • Mr. Warner: Have you slept with my daughter?

    John: Mr. Warner, I have never slept with Elaine.

    Mr. Warner: Good! Godammit, that's good! Because if you had, John, I was gonna kick your balls up into your head and let them rattle around in your skull like dice in a Yahtzee cup. Have a good one!

  • Mr. Warner: I'm gonna give you a few seconds of immunity here. Now, if you have slept with her, you tell me here, you tell me now, and we'll let it go... have you slept with my daughter?

    John: Mr. Warner... I have never slept with Elaine

    Mr. Warner: Good! Goddammit that's good! Because if you had John, I was gonna kick your balls up into your head and let 'em rattle around in your skull like dice in a Yahtzi cup. Have a good one!

  • John: Elaine never liked my sister Patty. Maybe it was because Patty was a free spirit. I say free spirit because I'm uncomfortable calling my own sister... sexually indescriminate trailer trash.

  • Detective Charles: I turned 40 last week. Do you know what I did? I got my colon scoped by Dr. Spencer. Do you know what he told me? He said "Detective Charles, you have one of the cleanest rectums I've ever seen." and do you know why? During my quiet time here at work I use a toothbrush that I have here in my desk to get to the really hard to find spots... just for a really good scrubbin'... you guys think you're so smart don't you?

    Duff: No

    Detective Charles: The way you made those survilence tapes just... disapear? You just... got rid of 'em some how...

    John: What tapes?

    Detective Charles: Will you do me a personal favor son?

    John: Sure.

    Detective Charles: Don't ever play ME... like a flute... OK? Because see, you two idiots got real lucky, I don't have enough to keep you here. But mark my words gentlemen... I mean... you're goin' down. I mean... you're either goin' down... or by God i'm gonna' take you down. But either way... once you're down?

    [picks up a paper weight and slams it on his desk three times]


    [Throws paper weight]

    Detective Charles: Now get up and get out! Get up! get out! get up! get out! get up! get out! get up! get out! get up and go get up and go

    [loud whistle]

    Detective Charles: Don't touch my door!

  • John: Nothing could hold a candle to the fetish crime I just endured.

  • Duff's Mom: Hi John how's your parents?

    John: Dead, still.

  • John: Duff? Don't you think you're taking a little bit too much off the top?

    Duff: John, I know what i'm doing okay. I've got to taper it so the sunlight reaches the lower leaves during the growing season!

    John: what about that string there?

    Duff: ...the string is a guide John. It's just a guide!

  • John: We've been banging together like a pair of cymbals in an overworked marching band.

  • John: Whatever happened to your dog?

    Amy: I gave him away.

    John: Why?

    Amy: He got too big.

  • John: When I was a boy and I first played with myself, first time I came I thought I broke my bits.

    Amy: [laughing] How old were you?

    John: I was twenty.

  • John: Tell me a secret. Tell me the weirdest thing you've ever done, something that you wouldn't tell anybody.

  • John: Calm down, Steve. Find your own bitch.

  • [Mom hugs John but sniffs and wrinkles up her nose]

    John: Oh, that's me. I smoke.

    Mom: No, I smell feces.

    John: OH, FUCK!

  • John: I have blue balls.

    Amy: Is it my sexy nightgown?

    John: Tents make me horny.

  • Amy: Why don't you go talk to him?

    John: Not now. He's got an axe.

  • Amy: You're not hard.

    John: I will be. Just shut up and kiss me.

  • Amy: I have a confession to make.

    John: You're a dude?

  • Jamie Bashant: Does anyone know why he's so angry?

    John: Well he was probably beaten as a child.

    Hurly: Oh well, I hope.

  • Cameraman: Do you think a human being will ever beat a person at chess?

    John: Oh... between a human being and a person? My money's on the computer.

  • John: [during a cooking show put on to entertain the rest of the crew] Welcome to "Cooking with John"... I'm John

    Rodzinski: No shit Sherlock!

  • Dr. Stark: I have work to do.

    Annie McHugh: Oh doctor, aren't you going to see the movie with us, you know it really might relax you.

    Dr. Stark: I'm perfectly relaxed. Science relaxes me.

    John: Would you care for some pie, before you...?

    Dr. Stark: Science is my pie. Curiosity is my sweet tooth. Knowledge is my candy. Bye.

  • Moe: Shut up!

    John: Shut up I love it! He said shut up to the gremlin!

  • [last lines]

    John: Who needs chicks when we got demons?

  • John: Are you the new soldier fella?

    Maj. Bernard 'Barney' Benson: Yeah.

    John: You got a lot of ribbons, what do they stand for?

    Maj. Bernard 'Barney' Benson: Good conduct.

  • John: V.D.? Who the fuck wants V.D.?

  • John: I don't think a lot about the big picture. I'm a rationalist and I'm a romantic. That doesn't leave a lot of time for spiritual bullshit.

  • John: I guess I feel humanism is a form of spirituality. I never fucked anyone over, except myself. That's pretty moral.

  • Vega: I'm on to you, John. I know what you are. You're a lemon.

    John: And I who always thought of myself as a mango. OK Freud, what do you mean?

    Vega: People might be attracted to your nice round shape and bright yellow color. But then they run away when they realize that your inside is bitter and sour. But you go well with drinks, though, and that is credible.

  • John: Is it not time to release the mad dogs of hell?

  • John: Please! Can somebody do drugs properly?

  • Jacob: This just ain't happening.

    John: Don't worry. This will soon be over. Dawn is just a month away!

  • Robert: Yo man!

    John: What's up mother fucker?

    Robert: So what do you think?

    Cornelia: Haven't you heard?

    John: No, what?

    Joel: Sander Karlsson is dead.

    John: No, you're bullshitting me!

  • John: This will be the most fucking awesome party, my friends. People will talk about it for weeks.

  • John: Come in!

    Saga: We haven't meet but...

    John: I know. You're Vega's mystery date! Glad to see you. My name is John.

  • Nokes: What do you want?

    John: What I've always wanted. To watch you die.

  • Carol: Don't you guys have to go kill somebody?

    John: No, We've always got time for a song!

  • Tommy: This is amazing!

    John Reilly: Hello! It's been a long time!

    Nokes: Who the fuck are you guys?

    [John and Tommy each pull up a chair and sit down at Nokes' table]

    Nokes: Hey, who the fuck asked you to sit down?

    Tommy: I thought you'd be happy to see us... I guess I was wrong.

    John: You know, after all that training, after all that time you put in, just guarding someone else's money... that seems like a waste!

    Nokes: I'm asking you one more time who the fuck you are!

    John: Why don't you take your time it will come to you!

    [Nokes stares at them, thinking]

    John: I can see how you might forget. We were just something for you and your friends to play with.

    Tommy: It's not that easy for us to forget... you gave us so much more to remember.

  • John: One down, Shakes, one down.

    Lorenzo: One what?

    Tommy: One Sean Nokes.

  • John: I want you to remember this word, okay? It's kind of like a code word: Yahoo. Can you remember that?

  • [Offering John coffee]

    Fred: You want black? Sugar?

    John: It's all good.

    Fred: You'll get black

  • John: Shoulda, woulda, coulda, pal.

  • John: You know me, yes you do. Honest John, milk monitor, prefect... Could've made head boy if I stayed on.

  • John: Give me my marker show me my line... surely this is it... the edge?

  • [last lines]

    Joanie: Everything is going to be okay, isn't it John?

    John: [no response]

    John: [turns off the light and begins whistling just like Richie]

  • John: You know

    [checking her name badge]

    John: Rhonda, for someone in the communications business, I think you could learn to use a little common courtesy.

    Rhonda: Fuck you. How's that for common courtesy?

  • John: I know what you did. I know you hurt those people.

    Richie: The world hurts people, John. I come in after the hurt. All I do is kill people who are already dead.

  • John: I'm doing everything I can, okay.

    Joanie: What if that's not enough?

    John: Well, it has to be.

  • John: Hey, don't mistake my kindness for weakness. I'm warning you!

    Richie: Really? What should I mistake it for?

  • Richie: I'm the only person that hasn't given up on you, John.

    John: Oh yeah? Then why do you have a gun in my face?

  • John: You know,

    [checking her name badge]

    John: Rhonda, for somebody in the communications business, I think you could afford to learn a little common courtesy.

    Rhonda: Fuck you. How's that for common courtesy?

  • Richie: I'm the only person that hasn't given up on you, John.

    John: Yeah? That's why you have a gun pointed at my face?

  • Karen: Would you still love me if I was poor?

    John: You are poor.

    Karen: You're right.

    John: But you're rich in character and you have great boobs.

  • John: This is just insane !

    Gun Salesman: Insanity at it's finest .

  • [After robbing his first bank.]

    John: Go! Go! Go! Go! GO!


    John: I told you to wait, Karen! Where the hell were you?

    Karen: I was hungry - I went to get some Tofutti.

    John: Tofutti?!?

  • Agent Williamson: You didn't leave me any choice.

    John: You didn't leave me one either.

  • John: [voice over] Here in America, we can fabricate anything.

  • John: Hey, um, I got a question for you. Do you have a good sense of humor?

    Guard at Bank #1: I think I do.

    John: Well that's good, because I got a real funny joke for you!

    [Pulls out his gun]

  • John: This is just insane.

    Gun Salesman: Insanity at it's finest.

    John: Insanity sold.

  • Ann: Well, that took you long enough. What'd you do, douche while you were at it?

    John: Ann, you've got some mouth on ya.

    Ann: You don't wanna know where it's been.

  • John: [Slamming his fist down onto the table as he speaks] MY BROTHER DIDN'T KILL ANYBODY, some mother FUCKER slung him from his neck from the fucking ceiling!

    Sgt. Gabriel: We have an eyewitness.

    John: FUCK YOUR EYEWITNESS! This is bullshit, alright? If you wanna book me, book me.

  • John: [dressing the old woman's hand wound] "You free Saturday night?"

  • John: [after Red has pistol-whipped Vanning into unconsciousness] Feel better?

    Red: Yeah.

    John: Look, Red, tonight's his night. Might be a short one. Might be a long one. But he's gonna keep breathing until we get an answer out of him. You got that?

    Red: [Sarcastically] Oh, John, you got a soft spot!

    John: Like the top of your head. That's your whole trouble. You know that? The top of your head never closed up when you were a kid... neither did your mouth!

  • John: Well, maybe we can get this thing straightened out, and everything will be fine.

    James Vanning: [Sardonically] And "dandy." Don't forget the "dandy."

    John: Oh, yeah - "dandy."

  • John: Meanwhile, I think the story's coming along pretty well.

    Hillary: I don't give a shit about your story!

    John: Why?... You could be helping a lot of other girls. Did you ever think about that?

    Hillary: It doesn't matter what happens to us. People who shit on their kids are not gonna' stop. Something makes them do it. Everybody knows it's wrong, but they do it anyway... And I'm not unhappy. You know, even in here, sometimes I laugh so hard I... I can't stop.

    John: Doesn't mean you're happy. There're a lot of different kinds of laughter.

    Hillary: [Looks off into the distance] Yeah, I like the kind at the ocean... when a giant wave comes pounding down on you, and you think it's gonna' crush you, but then it breaks and comes down and sends you crashing to the sand... that's when you get up and laugh. That's the kind of laugh that makes you know you're alive.

    Hillary: [fidgeting slightly] You know, it's like cavemen. I bet nobody ever had to remind them that they were alive. Every day they killed for food, or they starved, or they froze to death... but, I swear to God, I'm sure they laughed a lot better than most people today do.

  • Hillary: God, you really don't understand do you?

    John: WHAT?

    Hillary: That we could never betray one another or anything like that. If, if she lied to me, it was only because she wanted to be my friend. Nothing she could do could ever make me mad at her, nothing! If she wanted to kill me, I might even let her.

  • John: You ever read any of her poems?

    Jane: I don't read poetry. It's ugly and it bugs me.

  • Gertle: We shouldn't talk about this tired or drunk.

    John: But I'm not drunk.

    Gertle: Maybe that's the problem. We'll drink, you'll sleep, we'll talk, sit.

  • Eli: What are you gonna do?

    John: [He Ignores him and continues to duct tape Eli's hands]

    Eli: What are you gonna do?

    [More frustrated]

    John: [Continuing to ignore him, he holds him down tighter]

    Eli: What are you gonna do?

    [Now yelling]

    John: [Finally acknowledges him] Deliver you.

  • Al: [Jack has accidentally "shot" The Boss's aunt and a bus driver and the three of them are on the run] What the fuck did you do, Jack? What the *fuck* did you do?

    Jack: I did nothing bad, Al. I didn't mean it!

    Al: We're dead meat.

    [turns to Jack]

    Al: And it's your fault, you damn pill-popper!

    Jack: I just went like this!

    [stretches his arms out in a T shape like a martyr - a bullet hits the car radio]

    John: Hold the wheel, Al!

    [turns to Jack]

    John: Give me the gun, Jack!

    John: [Jack gives him the gun] This gun is *cursed*, now it won't kill innocent people any more!

    [throws it out the window, where it shoots the final bullet into a pedestrian's back. The pedestrian falls to the floor, dead, dropping his hat]

  • John: [seeing Al acting like an exorcist] What the *fuck* is going on, Jack?

    Jack: When Al woke up, I told him he was an exorcist!

    Al: I am not afraid of you, Satan! Go back to - the - daaaaaarknesssss!

    Al: [seeing John - thinking that he's Satan] I have finally found you. Leave this deformed body. Enter into me. Enter into me!

    Jack: Just play along with him.

    Al: Leave this grotesque body! And enter into *me*!


    Al: Enter into me, now!

    [John slaps Al - Al grunts and falls to the floor]

  • The Boss: What was on your agenda today? I can't remember.

    John: We had to kill "Frankie Rubber Butt".

    The Boss: Ah.

    [opens a locker]

    The Boss: *This* Frankie Rubber Butt? The one who steals the betting money? Oh, shut up!

    [slams the locker]

    The Boss: The arsehole who sold seven of our men to the FBI?

    [holds up a photo of Frank Contropelo]

    The Boss: Or was it this one?

    Jack: That's him, boss.

    The Boss: Frankie Backcomber. The barber on the 15th Street. You had to kill a spy! You killed a barber instead. I don't know what to do with you, guys. Two weeks ago you collected the protection money from the wrong shops! And today you killed a barber!

    Jack: There's also the bourbon incident.

    The Boss: What bourbon?

    Jack: It was a bourbon we were supposed to deliver, but we downed it all at Billy Rotten Gum's party.

    The Boss: What am I supposed to do? Come on - tell me!

    Jack: Well...

    The Boss: Jack! It's a rhetorical question, you're not meant to answer it!

  • Stan: Where the hell's my boots? Anybody seen my boots? Somebody took my boots. I bought 'em special. All right. All right, you guys. Whoever took my boots, I want 'em back.

    Axel: I got a boot for you, Stan, right up your ass.

    [jokingly throws a kick near his rear to which he responds by playfully pointing his gun at him]

    Axel: Hey, Mike. Hey, Mike, let me borrow your spares, huh? Your extra pair?

    Michael: No, Stan.

    Stan: [taken aback] No?... What do you mean, "No?"

    Michael: Just what I said. No. "No" means no.

    Stan: [getting upset] Some fuckin' friend. You're some fuckin' friend, you know that?

    Michael: You gotta learn, Stanley. Every time you come up here, you got your goddamn head up your ass.

    Axel: Maybe he likes the view from up there, huh?

    [the group laugh at him]

    Michael: Every time he comes up, he's got no knife, he's got no jacket, he's got no pants, he's got no boots. All he's got is that stupid gun he carries around like John Wayne. That ain't gonna help ya'.

    Axel: Oh, what the hell, Mike. Give him the boots.

    Michael: No way. I ain't giving him no boots no more. No more. That's it.

    Stan: You're a fuckin' bastard, you know that? Huh?

    Michael: [holds up a live round] Stanley, see this? This is this. This ain't somethin' else. This is *this.* From now on, you're on your own.

    Stan: [appalled, angry] I fixed you up a million times!

    [to the group]

    Stan: I fixed him up a million times! I don't know how many times I must have fixed him up with girls! And nothin' ever happens! Zero! Hey, you know your trouble, Mike, huh? Nobody ever knows what the fuck you're talking about. Huh? "This is this!" What the hell is that supposed to mean? "This is this!" I mean, is that some faggot-sounding bullshit or is that some faggot-sounding bullshit?

    Nick: Shut up, Stan, will ya'?

    [Stan shoves him]

    Nick: Hey, man, you're outta line.

    Michael: Watch out with that gun, Stan.

    [more strictly]

    Michael: Watch out with the gun.

    Stan: [yelling] There's times - do you know what I think? There's times I swear I think you're a fuckin' faggot!

    John: Hey! Come on, you guys!

    [Michael smirks in amusement]

    Stan: Last week - last week, he could've had that new redheaded waitress down at the Bowladrome. He could've had it knocked and look what he did. Look what he fuckin' did. Nothin', that's what.

    John: Shut up, Stan, huh? Would ya' SHUT UP? Just shut up. Just take - take Michael's goddamn boots and SHUT UP!

    [takes the laced boots and places them on Stan's shoulder]

    John: Otherwise, I'm goin' home!

    Michael: [Stan starts to walk away with Mike's boots] Hey, Stosh.

    [Stan turns to look at him]

    Michael: I said, "No."

    Stan: What, are you gonna shoot me? Huh? Here...

    [opens a gap in his shirt to make a target for him, Mike just stands there staring at him; knowing this will go nowhere, Stan takes the boots and throws them aggressively at Mike, walking away]

    Nick: [walks over, picks up the boots, says to Mike] What's the matter with you?

    [walks over to Stan]

    Nick: Stan.

    [gives him back the boots]

    Michael: [Mike puts the live round into his rifle, takes aim and vents his anger by firing it out into the woods, then looks at the group to see their bewildered reactions]

  • Angela: [Last lines] Its been such a gray day.

    John: [Humming] Mm-Mm-Mm-Mm-Mm-Mm


    John: Stand beside her and guide her. La-la-de Da-da-da...

    Linda: [singing] God bless America, Land that I love.

    LindaJohnAxelMichaelStanStevenAngela: Stand beside her and guide her, Through the night with a light from above. From the mountains, to the prairies, To the oceans white with foam. God Bless America, my home sweet home. God Bless America, my home sweet home.

    Michael: Here's to Nick!

    Steven: To Nick!

    LindaJohnAxelMichaelStanStevenAngela: To Nick!

  • Kelly: But listen, let's all go out for a drink sometimes. Yeah?

    John: Yeah, yeah.

    Kelly: You know, call me, okay?

    John: Yeah, okay.

    Kelly: Alright. Listen, I'm under Evelyn Waugh. Shh, okay?

    Charlotte: [after Kelly leaves] Evelyn Waugh? Evelyn Waugh was a man.

    John: Oh, come on, she's nice. What? You know, not everybody went to Yale. It's just a pseudonym, for Christ's sake.

  • John: Why do you have to point out how stupid everyone is all the time?

  • Kelly: Everybody is always, like, "Kelly, you are anorexic." And, I'm like, "No, I'm not." I eat all kinds... I eat so much junk food, you wouldn't believe it. I'd have a heart attack...

    John: I thought you were anorexic...

    Kelly: Everybody does...

    John: [gesturing with his hands] Yeah, because you look so...

    Kelly: [enthusiastically] Thank you. I know.

  • Kelly: John, John. You are my favorite photographer.

    John: Ohhh...

    Kelly: No. You are. I only want you to shoot me. It's true.

    [both laugh]

    Kelly: Oh my God, I have the worst B.O. right now, I'm sorry.

    [both laugh again]

  • John: Do you have to smoke so much? It's just so bad for you.

    Charlotte: I'll stop later.

  • John: Well, not everyone went to Yale.

    Charlotte: I thought it was funny.

  • John: You'd better be goddamn happy.

    Justine: Yes, I should be. I really should be.

    John: Do you have any idea how much this party cost me? A ballpark figure?

    Justine: No. I don't. Should I?

    John: Yes, I think you should. A great deal of money. A huge amount of money. In fact for most people, an arm and a leg.

    Justine: I hope you feel it's well spent.

    John: Well, that depends whether or not we have a deal.

    Justine: A deal?

    John: Yes, a deal. That you be happy.

    Justine: Yes, of course. Of course we have a deal.

  • John: Gaby, I'm sorry to disturb you, but we're ready to cut the cake.

    Gaby: [behind the bathroom door] When Justine took her first crap on the potty, I wasn't there. When she had her first sexual intercourse, I wasn't there. So give me a break, please, with all your fucking rituals.

  • John: Those bitches have locked themselves in their bathrooms and now they're taking a bath.

  • John: [to Justine] You better be goddamn happy.

  • Elizabeth: How did you know? How did you know I'd respond to you the way I have?

    John: I saw myself in you.

  • John: Every time I see you, you're buying a chicken.

    Elizabeth: Every time I see you, you're smiling at me.

  • John: You work and you work and you work. You meet with people you don't like, that you don't know, that you don't even want to know. And you try to sell them things and they try to sell you things, you go home, you listen to the wife nag and the kids bitch. You turn off the T.V., you wake up the next day and you do it all over again. But I'll tell you, the only thing that keeps me going is this chick. I've got this incredible chick on the side you see, and she is so hot, I can hardly believe it. She's got one of those heart-shaped asses. Have you ever had a chick with a heart-shaped ass?

  • John: How does it feel like to be out of control?

  • John: Dance?

    Diana: I should go.

    John: I remember once when I was young, and I was coming back from some place, a movie or something. I was on the subway and there was a girl sitting across from me and she was wearing this dress that was bottoned queer up right to here, she was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. And I was shy then, so when she would look at me I would look away, then afterwards when I would look back she would look away. Then I got to where I was gonna get off, and got off, the doors closed, and as the train was pulling away she looked right at me and gave me the most incredible smile. It was awful, I wanted to tear the doors open. And I went back every night, same time, for two weeks, but she never showed up. That was 30 years ago and I don't think that theres a day that goes by that I don't think about her, I don't want that to happen again. Just one dance?

  • John: [reading through the contract drawn up by Jeremy] Do you want to elaborate on the "Verification" clause?

    Jeremy: Verification? That means you pay even if the relationship isn't consummated.

    John: You mean if I'm impotent?

    Jeremy: It's important for a lawyer to cover contingencies.

    John: I can live with that. The "John Garfield Clause"?

    Jeremy: That's if you die in the act.

    John: I have no problem with that either. Could I have your pen?

    [signs contract]

    John: You're pretty good, you know.

    Jeremy: Thank you.

    John: You should come and work for me.

    Jeremy: Ooh!

  • David: [while playing pool] I guess there's limits to what money can buy.

    John: Not many.

    Diana: Well some things aren't for sale.

    John: Such as?

    Diana: Well you can't buy people.

    John: That's naive, Diana. I buy people every day.

    Diana: In business, maybe, but you can't buy people not when real emotions are involved.

    John: So you're saying you can't buy love? That's a bit of a cliché don't you think?

    Diana: It's absolutely true.

    John: Is it? What do you think?

    David: I agree with Diana.

    John: You do? Well let's test the cliché. Suppose... I were to offer you one million dollars for one night with your wife.

    David: I'd assume you're kidding.

    John: Let's pretend I'm not. What would you say?

    Diana: He'd tell you to go to hell.

    John: I didn't hear him.

    David: I'd tell you to go to hell.

    John: That's a reflex answer because you view the question as hypothetical. But let's say that there was real money backing it up. I'm not kidding. A million dollars. The night would come and go but the money could last a lifetime. Think of it. A million dollars. A lifetime of security... for one night. Don't answer right away. Just consider it; seriously?

    David: We're positive, okay?

    John: Well then you've proved your point. There are limits to what money can buy. It's late, and I hate to admit it, but I have meetings in the morning. May I have one dance? With your permission.

    David: You know something? I think you better hurry on to that meeting. You don't want to miss out on your next billion.

    John: Understood. I wouldn't part with her either. Good night.

  • John: Excuse me? Would you mind lending me your wife?

  • Diana: Somethings are not for sale.

    John: Such as?

    Diana: Well you can't buy people.

  • John: [to his class] Even a common ordinary brick wants to be something more than it is - wants to be something better than it is. And that is what we must be... See you on Friday.

    Jeremy: A brick wants to be something, huh? I bet it doesn't want to be a lawyer.

  • John: [while playing pool] Where do you see yourself in let's say, ten years?

    David: I wouldn't mind being a billionaire like yourself

    John: I mean even beyond money, what would satisfy you completely? For you to sleep well at night?

    David: You're saying you're not satisfied?

    John: Who is?

    Diana: [while watching them play] I am

    John: Does she mean it?

    David: I hope so

    John: Well then you may not have won in Vegas but you're a lucky man because I have money and businesses and security you just have something I don't have.

  • Mel: Do you really think that I could be a mother? Cause I don't know.

    John: You are a little out of control. And you're a pervert.

  • Margaret: Can you say hi to David?

    John: Go fuck yourself, Margaret.

  • John: [watching a porn movie] That's... that's art.

  • John: My people, we don't carry on like you do. We don't hate and destroy each other. We make love for fun. Yes, it is a game, and we play it when we get time off from work. But we don't have all day and all night like you people do!

  • Miss Julie: Are you ever afraid to hear that you're no longer wanted? That you don't belong?

    John: I shared a bed with my little brother, and one morning, when I was eight, I woke up and found him dead beside me. I saw death for the first time and yes, I was afraid. But not in the way you're talking about.

  • Miss Julie: Have you ever been in love?

    John: [rigorously polishing a boot] We don't use that word. But I have liked a lot of girls. And once when I could not have one girl I wanted, I became sick, horribly sick.Sick like a prince in a fairy tale, a prince who cannot eat or drink because of love.

    Miss Julie: Who was it?

    John: It was you.

  • John: You and me.

    Miss Julie: Yes, we must leave.

    John: To make life hell for each other?

    Miss Julie: No. To be happy, smile on the inside. Enjoy ourselves a few years, as long as we can, and then... to die. Would you die with me?

  • Kathleen: So you're going to elope?

    John: Elope? That's a big word.

  • John: You know the way that I am. I'm always placing a veil over people, idealizing them. So I never see who they really are. I did that with her - Miss Julie - and was bound to be disappointed.

    Kathleen: We are all forced to face ourselves as less than we'd hoped to be.

  • John: All it shows is that they are not a bit better than we are.

    Kathleen: If they're not any better than us, then there is nothing to inspire us to become better ourselves!

  • Jake Hollander: [after Paulie attacks him viciously to start their duel] Place your bets, my friends.

    John: Go Jake!

    Paulie: [brandishes sword] For my love.

    Jake Hollander: If you're talking about Tori, twit, get real. She hates you. She's just too nice to tell you.

    Paulie: She loves me.

    Jake Hollander: Stop talking shit, Paulie. Tori is my girlfriend.

    [Paulie glares and lunges, and the fight continues]

  • [Paulie points her sword on Jake as he lies on the ground and runs the pointed end from his chest down to his right thigh]

    Paulie: [about Tori] Give her up!

    Mouse: Paulie!

    Paulie: Say, "I... give... her... up!"

    Jake Hollander: Go fuck yourself!

    [Paulie thrusts her sword into Jake's thigh, making him scream at the top of his lungs, and so does Paulie]

    Mouse: Paulie, no!

    John: Fucking bitch!

    Mouse: Paulie!

    Jake Hollander: [to John and Phil] She cut me!

    John: Fucking bitch!

    [John and Phil try to help Jake stop the bleeding while Mouse pulls Paulie away]

    Mouse: [Shaking Paulie] What are you doing? What are you doing?

    Jake Hollander: You are fucking crazy!

    [Paulie breaks down and runs off screaming]

  • John: Run into someone cute. Never done this kind of thing before, but you only live once, how many chances do we get?

  • John: You just get to a point where your disappointment in yourself becomes so much bigger than your parent's disappointment in you.

  • John: Buddy, I hate to break it to you, but in the real world... where I live... there're only two kinds of love stories. Boy loses girl and girl loses boy. That's all there is. Somebody always gets left behind. You try to avoid that, you'll end up an old man toastin' yourself with egg nog in the mirror on Christmas Eve. You'll end up dying in your own arms.

  • Craig Morrison: Say, how's that chest cold of yours? Sure you don't need me to work the backhoe?

    John: It's walking pneumonia, dad.

    Craig Morrison: Where I come from, if you can walk, it's not pneumonia.

    John: I the rest of us could rely on strength and character instead of Universal Health Care, the world would be a better place.

  • Craig Morrison: You know, I would have been way ahead of the game if I'd just gone ahead and built the house without ever asking for a permit.

    John: Yeah, and I have been much happier if I'd just stuck you in an old folks home.

    Craig Morrison: That's funny, I was just about to propose the same thing to you. I could check into some options if you don't mind.

    John: Yeah, let's go in together. Get a group rate.

  • John: Mr. French, what would you do without me?

    Edmund French: Find someone more reliable.

  • John: She's not the boss of me!

  • Bartender: What do you want?

    John: I'll have the sweat of that hairy man's brow, thank you.

  • John: Now, you got to do just exactly like they say. You gotta turn off your mind, and relax, and then just float down stream. OK?

  • Paul Groves: [feeling the effects of the LSD] I don't believe it. I mean, is this... is this really it? Is it really happening there? Look at those crosses on the mount!

    John: [pointing] See the real tall one there? That's Channel 13.

    Paul Groves: Wow!

  • John: Look Evie, you're here to look after me so stop all that dudley-do-right crap.

  • John: There's a dead man in front of us.

  • [Jean finds her father badly burned]

    John: What happened, man? Can - Can you talk to us? Can you hear us, Tom?

    Jean Trevethan: Dad? Dad?

    Tom Trevethan: From the sea... burning, like fire!

    John: What was it?

    Tom Trevethan: Behemoth!

  • John: [Painting miniatures. His doppelganger peers through the attic hatch] Take your filthy eyes off me!

  • John: [On the train] Excuse me, I was sitting here... when I suddenly forgot who I am! Where I was going! Why I'm sitting here with this... dead fish.

  • John: And Lowe says, 'Just last night, I was chased up a tree by a fairie. It was tryin to steal me ail' - And I says to him, 'Wish he woulda stole you while he was at it!'

    John: Well I thought it was funny.

  • John: You know they want you dead. Don't you?

  • [last lines]

    John: [voice over] Most people are so ungrateful to be alive, but not you, not any more...

    [begins to close door]

    John: GAME OVER!

    Adam: Don't! Don't!

    [screams, screen goes black]

    Adam: NO!

    [screams of anguish fade out]

  • John: [to Amanda] Congratulations. You are still alive. Most people are so ungrateful to be alive. But not you. Not anymore.

  • John: I'm sick from the disease eating away at me inside...

    Kerry: [flashback] Sounds like our friend Jigsaw.

    John: I'm sick of people who don't appreciate their blessings...

    Kerry: [flashback] ... looks like our guy like's to book himself front row seats to his own sick little games

    John: Hello Mark,Paul, Amanda,Zepp, Adam, Dr.Gordon.

    John: I want to play a game.

  • John: [on videotape] Hello Amanda. You don't know me, but I know you. I want to play a game. Here's what happens if you lose. The device you are wearing is hooked into your upper and lower jaw. When the timer in the back goes off, your mouth will be permanently ripped open. Think of it like a reverse bear trap. Here, I'll show you. There is only one key to open the device. It's in the stomach of your dead cellmate. Look around Amanda. Know that I'm not lying. Better hurry up. Live or die, make your choice.

  • John: [on audio tape] Rise and shine, Adam. You're probably wondering where you are. I'll tell you where you might be. You might be in the room that you die in. Up until now, you've simply sat in the shadows watching others live out their lives. But what do voyeurs see when they look into the mirror? Now I see you as a strange mix of someone angry, yet apathetic. But mostly just pathetic. So are you going to watch yourself die here today, Adam, or do something about it?

    Adam: I don't get it.

  • John: Hello, Mr. Hindle. Or as they called you around the hospital: Zepp. I want you to make a choice. There's a slow-acting poison coursing through your system, which only I have the antidote for. Will you murder a mother and her child to save yourself? Listen carefully, if you will. There are rules.

  • John: The key to that chain is in the bathtub.

  • John: Hello, Paul. You are a perfectly healthy, sane and middle-class male yet last month you ran a straight razor across your wrist. Did you cut yourself because you truly wanted to die or did you just want some attention? Tonight, you'll show me. The irony is that if you want to die you just have to stay where you are, but if you want to live, you'll have to cut yourself again. Find the path through the razor-wire to the door but hurry. At 3:00 that door will lock and then, this room becomes your tomb. How much blood will you shed to stay alive?

  • John: Hello, Mark. If you are so sick then why do I have so many photos of you up and about? Let's put your so called "illness" to the test. Right now, there's a slow-acting poison in your veins. The antidote is inside the safe - the combination to the safe is written on the wall. Hurry up and program it in but watch your step.

    [Mark steps on one of the many pieces of broken glass scattered on the floor]

    John: By the way, that's a flammable substance smeared on your body, so I would be careful with that candle if I were you... or all the people you've burned with your act just might have their revenge.

  • John: Dr. Gordon, this is your wake-up call. Everyday of your working life you have given people the news that they're gonna die soon. Now *you* will be the cause of death. Your aim in this game is to kill Adam. You have until six on the clock to do it. There's a man in the room with you. When there's that much poison in your blood, the only thing left to do - is shoot yourself. There are ways to win this, hidden all around you. Just remember, X marks the spot for the treasure. If you do not kill Adam by six, then Alison and Diana will die, Dr. Gordon... and I'll leave you in this room to rot. Let the game begin.

  • Dr. Lawrence Gordon: You tell anyone you were here?

    Carla: No.

    [on phone]

    Carla: Hello? It's for you.

    Dr. Lawrence Gordon: Me?

    [on phone]

    Dr. Lawrence Gordon: Hello?

    John: I know what you're doing, doctor.

    Dr. Lawrence Gordon: I have to go.

    Carla: What happened?

    Dr. Lawrence Gordon: I got to go.

  • Chucky: Hello John. Over here. Hi. It's me Chucky. What do ya think? The gri gri work? You know, when I came here learning that stuff about how to cheat death, I thought maybe you were pulling my chain. But, not now. Uh, uh. Not now. Only one problem.

    John: What?

    Chucky: This. I didn't think anybody could hurt me. But, last night I got shot. And you know something? It hurt. It hurt like a son of a bitch, it even bled! Why is that, John?

    John: You're turning human.

    Chucky: [in shock] What?

    John: The more time you spend in that body, the more human you become.

    Chucky: You mean I have to live out the rest of my life in this body? No fuckin' way!

    [points his finger]

    Chucky: You got me into this, you get me out!

    John: I can't do that, Chucky.

    Chucky: Why not?

    John: Because you're an abomination. An outrage against nature! You've perverted everything I've taught you and used it for evil! And you have to be stopped!

  • John: Those who don't appreciate life do not deserve life.

    Eric Matthews: My son appreciates his life.

    John: But do you appreciate yours? Do you appreciate your son's?

  • John: Greetings... and welcome. I trust that you are all wondering where you are. I can assure you that while your location is not important, what these walls offer for your IS important... salvation, if you earn it. 3 hours from now the door to this house will open. Unfortunately, you only have 2 hours to live. Right now, you are breathing in a deadly nerve agent. You've been breathing it since you've arrived here. Those of you familiar with the Tokyo subway attacks will know its devastating effects on the human body. The only way to overcome it and walk out that door is to find an antidote. Several are hidden around this house. One is inside the safe in front of you. You all posess the combination to the safe. Think hard... the numbers are in the back of your mind. The clue to their order can be found "over the rainbow". Once you realize what you all have in common, you will gain a better understanding of why you're here. X marks the spot for that clue, so look carefully. Let the game begin.

  • [repeated line]

    John: I want to play a game.

  • John: Hello Obi, I want to play a game. For years you have burned those around you with your lies, cons, and deceits. Now you will have a chance to redeem yourself, for the games you've played with others, by playing one of mine. Inside the device in front of you are two antidotes for the poison coursing through your veins. One is my gift to you for helping me kidnap the others, the second is for you to donate. However, one will come with a price. Remember Obi, once you're in Hell, only the devil can help you out.

  • John: Some people are so ungrateful to be alive, but not you... not anymore.

  • John: Those who do not appreciate life do not deserve life.

  • John: Can you imagine what it feels like to have someone sit you down and tell you that you're dying? The gravity of that, hmm? Then the clock's ticking for you. In a split second your awe is cracked open. You look at things differently - smell things differently. You savor everything be it a glass of water or a walk in the park.

    Eric Matthews: The clock is ticking, John.

    John: But most people have the luxury of not knowing when that clock's going to go off. And the irony of it is that that keeps them from really living their life. It keeps them drinking that glass of water but never really tasting it.

  • John: How much blood will you shed to stay alive?

  • John: Hello, Xavier, I want to play a game. It's similar to the game you play as a drug dealer, the game of giving hope to the desperate. I think we can agree that your situation is desperate, so I'm going to offer you hope. By entering this room, you have started a timer on the door in front of you. When the timer runs out the door will be locked forever, locking away the antidote inside it. If you want to find the key, you will have to crawl through the same squalor that your customers have. I'll give you one hint where to find it.

    [Xavier and Daniel move a bed frame, revealing a pit full of hypodermic syringes beneath]

    John: It will be like finding a needle in a haystack.


  • Eric Matthews: You seem to know a whole lot about me.

    John: I know you were once considered a fearless police officer. Do you feel a whole lot safer now that you only sit behind a desk?

    Eric Matthews: I feel a whole lot of things right now.

    John: But you feel alive. That's what you feel, and that's the point.

  • John: Oh, yes, there will be blood.

  • [Det. Mathews throws John around the room and breaks a finger]

    John: [smiling] Now, that's the Eric Matthews they gave medals to.

  • John: You all possess the combination to the safe. Think hard. The numbers are in the back of your minds. The clue to their order can be found over the rainbow.

  • John: Hello Michael, I want to play a game. So far in what could loosely be called your life you've made a living watching others. Society would call you an informant, a rat, a snitch. I call you unworthy of the body you possess, of the life that you've been given. Now we will see if you are willing to look inward rather than outward to give up the one thing you rely on in order to go on living. The device around your neck is a death mask. The mask is on a spring timer. If you do not locate the key in time the mask will close. Think of it like a venus flytrap. What you are looking at right now is your own body not more than two hours ago. Don't worry, you're sound asleep and can't feel a thing. Taking into account that you are at a great disadvantage here I'm going to give you a hint as to where I've hidden the key, so listen carefully. The hint is this... It's right before your eyes. How much blood will you shed to stay alive, Michael? Live or die, make your choice.

  • John: The jigsaw piece that I cut from my subjects was only ever meant to be a symbol that that subject was missing something. A vital piece of the human puzzle. The survival instinct.

    Eric Matthews: This is all really, really interesting, John. But right now I'd really like for you to talk to me.

    John: I am talking to you. You're not listening.

  • Eric Matthews: Okay. Let's talk.

    John: Sit down, Eric.


    John: I want to play a game. The rules are simple. All you have to do is sit here and talk to me. Listen to me. If you do that long enough you will find your son in a safe and secure state. We haven't been properly introduced. My name is John.

    Eric Matthews: Thought you liked to be called Jigsaw.

    John: No.


    John: It was the police and the press who coined the nickname Jigsaw. I never once encouraged or claimed that. The jigsaw piece I cut from my subjects was only ever meant to be a symbol that that subject was missing something. A vital piece of the human puzzle. The survival instinct.

    Eric Matthews: This is all really, really interesting John. But right now I's really like for you to talk to me about...

    John: [interrupts] I am talking to you! You're not listening. Don't forget the rules.

  • John: It's The Last House on the Left...

  • John: Not too long now till your son starts pissing blood!

  • John: Would you... kindly get me a glass of water? I would very much appreciate that...

  • John: You may not remember all those people but I'm sure they remember you. You're the arresting officer on all their cases and you're the one who planted all the evidence used to obtain their convictions. You're the one who put them away. Your son is playing a game with a lot of people who don't like you very much, Detective. It would be a shame if they discovered who he was.

  • John: X marks the spot.

  • John: Since when has force been a problem for you? Why are you so desperate to get your son back?

    Eric Matthews: 'Cause he's my son...

    John: What's the last thing you said to him before you left him?

    Eric Matthews: [flashback]


    Eric Matthews: Well, then, go!

    John: Seems to me that the knowledge of your sons impending death is causing you to act... Why is that we're only willing to do that, when a life is at stake?

    Eric Matthews: I've always loved my son, it has never changed

    John: No... no... It's changed now. You see, the knowledge of death... changes everything. If I were to tell you the exact date and time of your death... it would shatter everything.

  • John: [meeting Eric Matthews] I want to play a game. The rules are simple all you have to do is talk to me, listen to me.if you do that long enough you will find your son in a safe and secure state. We haven't properly introduced ourselves. My name is John.

  • Eric Matthews: Hey, is this close enough?

    Rigg: Get his ass out of here...

    John: Actually, I will need to remain here while you deal with your problem, Detective Matthews

    Eric Matthews: What problem?

    John: The problem in that room.

  • John: Your son is in a safe and secure state.

  • Eric Matthews: You mother fucker where is he? Where is he?

    John: Where is he? That's a problem you're going to have to solve before it's too late. He has about, two hours, until the gas creeping into his nervous system begins to break down his body tissue, and he begins to bleed from every orifice he has. Oh yes, there will be blood.

  • Eric Matthews: I swear, if I don't see my son. I'll rip your fucking head off!

    John: I don't intend to mock you officer but I'm a cancer patient. How could YOU possibly put me in more pain than I'm already in?

  • John: [as Eric is destroying Jigsaw's drawings and blueprints] How will you get a conviction without all this evidence?

    Eric Matthews: I don't need this shit to convict you.

    John: Go ahead. Destroy it. We both know the sort of person you are. The sort of person who guns down an unarmed suspect. The sort of person who plants evidence in order to obtain a conviction. The sort of person whose wife leaves him and whose son hates him.

    Eric Matthews: Shut the fuck up!

  • John: I'm not fixable. I've had cancer.

  • John: Would you kindly get me a glass of water? I would very much appreciate that.

  • John: It just occured to me today that I've never celebrated Halloween before.

    Molly: And why's that?

    John: Oh, we've got a psychotic serial killer in the family who loves to butcher people on Halloween, and I just thought it in bad taste to celebrate.

  • John: Mom, I am not responsible for you. That's it, I've had enough. I can't take it anymore mom. He's dead. Michael Myers is dead.

  • John: Because today is the day. I can feel it. Today is the day you are going to realize that I am seventeen years old and your overprotection and paranoia is inhibiting my growing process.

  • John: If you want to stay handcuffed to your dead brother, that's fine. But you're not dragging me along. Not anymore.

  • [about shoplifting a bottle of alcoholic drink]

    John: I can't believe we're doing this.

    Charlie: Desperate measures.

    John: It's illegal.

    Charlie: It's harmless and expected.

  • John: [His mother won't let him go away on an overnight school camping trip] Dad would let me go.

    Laurie Strode: Well, *Dad* is an abusive, chain smoking, methadone addict.

    John: Who would attract someone like that?

    Laurie Strode: Ouch.

    John: And to think *he* left *you*!

    Laurie Strode: John! I know you get your smart mouth from my side of the family. But point check, you're going too far!

  • Sarah: Maybe if we tried working together we could ease some of the tensions. We're all pulling in different directions.

    John: That's the trouble with the world, Sarah darlin'. People got different ideas concernin' what they want out of life.

  • John: You want to put some kind of explanation down here before you leave? Here's one as good as any you're likely to find. We're bein' punished by the Creator. He visited a curse on us. So that man could look at... what Hell was like. Maybe He didn't want to see us blow ourselves up, put a big hole in the sky. Maybe He just wanted to show us He's still the Boss Man. Maybe He figure, we was gettin' too big for our britches, tryin' to figure His shit out.

  • Sarah: I can't belive that Rhodes would have done it.

    John: No, he would have had Steel do it.

    Sarah: He can't be that inhuman.

    John: Captain Rhodes is perfectly human. He knows what he's doing which concerns me. He won't shoot Billy

    [points to McDermott]

    John: ... because he's got no one else who knows electronics. He won't shoot me... because I'm his ride. He probably won't shoot Frankenstein because the old doc can talk him silly. But the rest of you? The rest of you better start worrying, don't you know.

  • John: I got an alternative, yeah, yeah, I got an alternative. Let's get in that old whirly-bird, find us an island some place, get juiced up and spend what time we got left soakin' up some sunshine! How's that?

    Sarah: You could do that, couldn't you? With all thats going on, you could just do that without a second thought?

    John: Right, I could do that even if all this *wasn't* going on!

  • [first lines]

    McDermott: Nothing, nothing at all.

    Sarah: Send again.

    McDermott: I've been sending up and down the coast from Sarasota to the Everglades and still getting back the same dead air. There's nothing! There's nobody or at least nobody with a radio.

    Sarah: All right then let's set down, we'll use the bullhorn.

    McDermott: Set down? Wait a minute, that's not in our contract!

    Sarah: It's the biggest city within 150 miles and we're going to give it every chance.

    McDermott: Jesus, Mary and Joseph!

    Sarah: Set down, John!

    John: I'll set us down. But I won't leave my seat and I'll keep the engine running. Now the first sign of trouble, I'm going up. If you ain't on board when that happens, you're likely to have a lousy afternoon.

  • Pvt. Torrez: You find anything?

    John: Yeah. Prime real estate at close-out prices!

  • John: It takes more energy to keep quiet than it does to speak the mind.

  • John: Forget it, Billy boy. It's a dead place. Like all the others, you know. Listen. You can hear it over the engine.

    McDermott: [hearing the loud moans of the approaching crowd of zombies] Jesus, Mary, Joseph!

  • John: We don't believe in what you're doing here, Sarah. Hey, you know what they keep down here in this cave? Man, they got the books and the records of the top 100 companies. They got the Defense Department budget down here. And they got the negatives for all your favorite movies. They got microfilm with tax return and newspaper stories. They got immigration records, census reports, and they got the accounts of all the wars and plane crashes and volcano eruptions and earthquakes and fires and floods and all the other disasters that interrupted the flow of things in the good ole U.S. of A. Now what does it matter, Sarah darling? All this filing and record keeping? We ever gonna give a shit? We even gonna get a chance to see it all?


    John: This is a great, big, 14 mile *tombstone*!

    ["tombstone" echoes with distant moaning]

    John: With an epitaph on it that nobody gonna bother to read. Now, here you come. Here you come with a whole new set of charts and graphs and records. What you gonna do? Bury them down here with all the other relics of what... once... was? Let me tell you what else. Yeah, I'm gonna tell you what else. You ain't never gonna figure it out, just like they never figured out why the stars are where they're at. It ain't mankind's job to figure that stuff out. So what you're doing is a waste of time, Sarah. And time is all we got left, you know.

    Sarah: What I'm doing... is all there's left to do.

    John: Shame on you. There's plenty to do. Plenty to do, so long as there's you and me and maybe some other people. We could start over, start fresh, get some babies...


    John: and teach 'em, Sarah, teach 'em never to come over here and *dig these records out*.

    [distant moaning]

  • John: Gas up the machine. She's down to fumes.

    Sarah: No, wait 'til it's dark. There's too many of them out there.

    John: Hey, it's no good to leave the gas tank on the helicopter empty. Supposed we need to get out of here in a hurry?

    Sarah: Then we're shit out of luck! They're getting too riled up. Do it tonight after dark when they can't see you.

    John: They know we're in here even if they can't see us. What good is it to leave the gas tank empty?

    Sarah: The activity excites them! They're too many of them!

    Johnson: She's right. They're more and more of them every day.

    Sarah: If we get a lot more or if they might break down the fence, you can come out and shoot some of them. Otherwise say inside the building. Stay out of sight!

    McDermott: Thankfully you live out here in the suburbs, Johnson. You ougt to see how congested the cities are getting to be.

  • John: We were here to help

    John: But we failed.

  • Danny: Nice fucking driving.

    John: Did your mother teach you to talk like that?

    Danny: Only when your name came up.

  • Danny: The only reason I'm here is Mom didn't want me at her wedding.

    John: Wrong! The way I heard it is, you and what's his name don't talk anymore.

    Danny: Shithead!

    John: His name is Sherman.

    Danny: Right, shithead Sherman!

    John: You know, you've got a real attitude problem.

    Danny: Well I guess that's genetic, DAD!

  • Sylvia: You know what we need?

    John: Yup, I got one right here!

    [holds up a condom]

    Sylvia: Uh, no. I meant a couple of beers, John.

  • Gretchen: [Newby is hanging a notice up on the door to the union hall] Eh, what's going on?

    Chief Jake Newby: The mayor's cancelled the dance, and that's all there is to it... well, in the light of Mabel's death, we had no choice.

    Sylvia: Mabel would've wanted us to have the dance, I mean she worked so hard on it!

    John: Yeah, you can't cancel it now!

    Tommy Whitcomb: You're just looking for an excuse to cancel the dance.

    Chief Jake Newby: That's the way it is! There'll be no dance tomorrow night, and no parties either, you understand me?

  • John: What is this place? Who are you?

    Lucifer: My dear, petty man. I've been called many things: the chaos in the story, the anarchy in your thoughts, but for you, John, I am the excuse you give when you cannot follow the rules.

  • John: Guilt is good. It's the price we pay for an honest soul.

  • Emma: [Discovers her priest uncle was putting off her exorcism... to record proof of demonic posession] Mark... die

    [her voice breaking]

    Emma: Mark died because... because of you!

    [near tears]

    Emma: Mark... Mark... Mark died because of you! Because of you! My... my... my little brother die... died... Because OF YOU!

    Christopher: [Mornfully] I WILL ALWAYS REGRET i was unable to save him...


    Christopher: But... but I promise... I promise he will be remmbered as a martyr!

    [last lines]

    John: Bastard priest i'll kill you... you hear... I'll kill you

  • John: [driving behind slow truck] Ah, come on!

    Rachel: John, just go around him.

    John: I'll try - he's all over the place.

    [he passes truck; later, truck passes him; after this, the scene has numerous horn sounds between dialogues]

    John: You have to be fucking kidding me.

    [he passes truck again]

    Rachel: He's picking up speed.

    Tiffany: Oh my God!

    John: What? Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.


    John: He let us pass.

    Rachel: John, he is getting really close.

    John: Yeah, I see him. Maybe he'll just go around. Never mind.

    Rachel: What does he want? What did we do?

    John: I don't know.

    Jenn: John?

    John: Yeah, I see him!

    Jack: [truck slams in the back of them] Ugh! What the fuck is going on?

    John: [looking in side mirror] Shit, alright, we've learned our lesson!

    Jenn: John, just pull over.

    John: Aw, come on, you fucker. The road's wide open. Maybe I can make him hit this car.

    Rachel: [they get hit again] Seriously, John, we have to pull over now.

    John: All right; all right. So unless anyone else has anything to say, or any suggestions, then I'm gonna pull over.

    Rachel: What?

    John: I really hope this is a good idea.

    Tiffany: Someone needs to get out and apologize.

    John: For what?

    Tiffany: I don't know! Clearly we pissed him off!

    John: I'll take care of this.

    Jenn: No, no, you've done plenty!

  • John: Come on Rosalie, you know that I love you.

    Rosalie: If you love me so much, how come you beat the hell out of me?

    John: Rosalie, I'm gonna tell you the truth for once, okay? You need a good beating every once in a while. All women do. And you especially. Okay?

  • John: You never saw the real me did you?

    Sam: The real you? No I couldn't I wanted too I did but how could I see you? I can't see anything I can't see you because I'm blind

    [last lines]

    John: You see me now?

    [removes his glasses]

    Sam: [feels his face] Yeah... Yeah I see you

    [jams her thumbs in his eyes]

  • John: Your funny how you are right now, when I think of how you were on the phone, well bitch you sure laughed at me a lot , you and the rest of those insects I guess you thought I was pretty funny you must've laughed and laughed you all thought you... you were all so smart... well your not smart your not smart at all... HEY NO SLEEPING! I'M TALKING TO YOU!

    Sam: You were right I was wrong, you were right... some people are better off dead, you said it and you were right... I am better off dead, I mean who am I kidding? Not you not me, it's just darkness that's it... just darkness what difference does it make any of it anything

  • John: I despise soccer moms. For their minivans, and their crump butts, their complicated shoes. I mean, who are they to tell me I can't babysit their kids.

  • John: [holding a lit candle] Stay away! Stay away or I'll burn you!

  • John: Now, even the doggy-doggies used to come to Lazarus to lick his open running sores...

    Jerry: [making a face] Blecch!

    John: Sorry.

  • Pharisee Monster: Now, we know you are an honest man. Give us your ruling on this: are we, or are we not permitted to pay taxes to the Roman emperor?

    John: Why, you hypocrites, I...!

    [Jesus and Merrell restrain him]

    Jesus: [to Pharisee Monster] Show me the money in which the tax is paid.

    [the Pharisee Monster spits coins at Jesus, who picks one up]

    Jesus: Whose head is on here, whose inscription?

    Pharisee Monster: Caesar's!

    Jesus: Well, then, pay Caesar was is due Caesar, but pay God what is due God!

  • John: I baptize you with water for repentance, but He that comes after me is mightier than I. I am not fit to take off His shoes. And He will baptize you all with the Holy Spirit and with fire!

  • John: He just wears a hat... and wanders around

  • Mike: What, you think I'm not cut out for a little action? You think I'm not up for it? What?

    John: I think you're a goddamn idiot, that's what I think.

    Mike: Hey, let go of me.

    John: Do you know what's the worst thing that can happen to me? Do you? It's to send me back. For another nine fuckin' months. D'you know the whole time I was there we never once did what we were told we'd be doing, build roads and schools? D'you know what it's like to feel like a fuckin' bully all the time? 'Cause that's what you gotta do to stay alive.

  • Sylvia: What's keepin' us here? Why can't we start anew?

    John: Because. Because, Sylvia. It's illegal, I could go to jail. Because... this is who we are.

    Sylvia: What? We can't be happy? What about our life, our baby, the plans?

    John: They're gonna have to wait!

  • John: The great thing is, if men can cook at all, women think it's wonderful.

    Mary: Well, it is.

    John: No, it's not. It's really a legend. Like sex and black men.

  • John: Money, money, money. That's all you hear.

  • John: Just a week ago all I wanted was to tell Vivian how much I loved her. But now I see that's the one thing I mustn't do. I can't offload my illness onto her, or Jim, or Mary and the kids. I don't want the look in their eyes to remind me I'm dying. I wonder if I can hold out longer than the British. Not that I could be described as an empire.

  • John: You must get a piece of jade, and keep it close. Then your blood will go into the stone, and the stone will get into your blood. The blood will then become stone, and you will stop bleeding.

  • [last lines]

    John: Part of your life, you give me a moment. Me sure in spite of the past, and in spite of the future. This tick of our lifetime is one moment you love me.

  • John: Did you watch any TV this week? That was time you could have spent writing.

  • Nick: [Nick walks from the building nonchalantly, carrying his skateboard and goes into John's passenger seat with a sigh as he sits] Got it. And they invited me to a party this weekend.

    [hands John the phone]

    John: [almost breathless] Wow.

  • John: [Mandy is seated against the edge of a graffiti wall, watching John come closer to her with the gun] Do you remember me?

    [Mandy's eyes shut and after a few seconds she regretfully nods]

    John: I remember you, too.

    [her eyes look away as she realizes why she is there and John walks closer and kneels down in front of her and rips off the tape from her mouth]

    Mandy: [hysterical] I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!

    John: [points gun touching her lips, speaks punctuated] Be... quiet.

    [she whimpers and finally quiets, looking at the floor]

    John: I just have one question.

    [Mandy quietly whimpers]

    John: Why did you do that do me?

    Mandy: I don't know. It was so stupid. Kaley came up with the idea and we thought it would be funny, I guess. It was mean; we shouldn't have done it.

    John: [quiet anger and resentment building] It was Kaley's idea, I see. So... if I had to pick one person to blame, that person would be Kaley.

    [Mandy cries]

    Mandy: What are you gonna do to me? If you let me go, I swear I won't say anything to anyone. We'll call it even! We played a joke; you played one.

    John: Except this isn't a joke. This is very real. The pain I felt at the airport was real. And you're soon gonna understand pain.

    Mandy: I'm so sorry. We never wanted to hurt you.

    [John stands and begins walking]

    John: I think you did. I'm pretty sure that's why you did it.

    Mandy: I swear to God We never even considered it. It was just a stupid thing for this stupid blog.

    John: It's my turn, now, to be mean.

  • [last lines]

    John: Oh, my God.

    Carol: Yes, that's right.

  • John: Get out of my office!

    [Carol doesn't leave]

    John: Get out! Get the fuck out of my office!

    Carol: I'm leaving. And don't call your wife "Baby"!

  • John: I'm the one human being on this fucking planet that doesn't rob, steal, cheat, and lie! That's why I'm considered weak!

  • John: Stop writing the fucking ticket! Are you a fucking machine?

    Meter Maid: I'm just doing my job.

    John: Fine, whatever... that's less money for me to spend on immigrants, right?

    Meter Maid: We were here first.

    John: No, no, no, no, no, no... the Indians were here first and we came and raped you and you became a Mexican.

  • John: [while typing an e-mail] Dear... Miss Craig... please... use discretion... with... the following... attachment. I thought... you should... know... your... head... lap... dog... a little... better. Thank you... for firing me. It feels... good... to tell... you... to... fuck... off. You... are... a stupid... cunt... with... a... dried... up... bird's nest... pussy. That's... why... I start... with your... ass... and end... in... your... mouth.

Browse more character quotes from I Am Number Four (2011)