Joey Quotes in Twister (1996)
Joey: [Discussing at Meg's on the tornadoes they have seen so far at Meg's home at her dining table, eating steak and eggs] No, that was a good size twister. What was it, an F3?
Bill: Solid F2.
Melissa: See, now you have lost me again.
Bill: It's the Fujita scale. It measures a tornado's intensity by how much it eats.
Laurence: That one we encountered back there was a strong F2, possibly an F3.
Beltzer: Maybe we'll see some 4's.
Haynes: That would be sweet!
Bill: 4 is good. 4 will relocate your house very efficiently.
Melissa: Is there an F5?
[Everyone goes dead silent]
Melissa: What would that be like?
Jason 'Preacher' Rowe: The Finger of God.
Melissa: None of you has ever seen an F5?
Bill: ...Just one of us.
[Looks upstairs, indicating Jo]
Joey: [Computer beeps] We've got a touchdown!
Laurence: [On radio] We have touchdown! Touchdown! Tornado is on the ground!
Haynes: [Hands radio to Beltzer] Listen to this!
Laurence: Looks like it's heading down Route 33.
Bill: Jo, we're on 33.
Jo: What's the path?
Laurence: Looks like it's going about 35 mph.
Rabbit: [Looking around] Can you see this?
Allan Sanders: I can not see this. Where is it? Hello? Which way you guys looking?
Bill: Where, where, where...
Jo: Direction, Rabbit.
Rabbit: North northeast!
Beltzer: Do you see it?
Rabbit: North northeast, you copy?
Bill: Shit, it's coming right at us!
Laurence: Axis has gone vertical, gone vertical. Sucker's really gaining up strength.
Jo: You see it?
Bill: Beltzer! We do not have a visual. Repeat, we do not have a visual. Help us out here!
Jo: Where is it?
Beltzer: Yeah, I got it Billy. Best motion I've ever seen. Looks like the base of this sucker's at least a half mile wide.
Rabbit: If you are going east on 7, it should be coming right over that hill in a matter of minutes!
Allan Sanders: This is the one man, I feel it.
[pointing a gun at Sally]
Joey: You're gonna suck me dry, and you'll never ever stop!
[as Joey screams destroying Freddy's Hall of Mirrors to save the others]
Joey: Wow. Did I say that?
Roland Kincaid: You found your dream power man.
Kristen Parker: You saved us, Joey.
Roland Kincaid: [picks up Joey] You blew him away!
Joey: When I'm sober... When I'm healthy and well... I hurt people. I'm lethal. I drink to weaken the machine they made.
Joey: You've got a knife? I've got a spoon.
Cristina: How will you get home?
Joey: I'm a gangster, I'll steal a car.
Joey: [in his letter] Now I go back to the street and disappear. I was alive again for one summer. I'm glad I spent it with you. I hope Africa treats you well. All my love, Joseph Smith.
Tracey: So Joey, are you exclusively gay?
Joey: You know, it's interesting. Recently, I've found myself attracted to nuns.
Joey: You know why she ended up in the river? Because that's what the river's for. To wash away girls when they're finished with them!
Cristina: You look like a good man.
Joey: So take a picture.
Cristina: Did your daughter ask for photos?
Joey: No, when she's older. This way she'll have something to remind her of me.
Cristina: You won't see her?
Joey: I don't think I'll look like this for much longer.
Joey: Sister, I'm Catholic.
Cristina: I'm not your sister. I'm drunk, and I'm up against the wall.
Mr. Choy: You want to work?
Mr. Choy: You know what kind of work I do...
Joey: They say you want a driver.
Mr. Choy: I got a lot of businesses. They say you're a hard man. It's a hard city.
Cristina: Actually, Joey, I do like photographs. I take photographs... usually of nature.
Joey: Penises are nature, I suppose.
Cristina: Yes, I suppose they are.
Cristina: What exactly happened ?
Joey: You don't remember ?
Cristina: [shakes head showing she does not remember] It's all a blur
Joey: You asked me to kiss you... So I kissed you.
Cristina: You didn't have to kiss me just because I asked.
Jimmy Serrano: You and that other dummy better start getting more personally involved in your work, or I'm gonna stab you through the heart with a fuckin' pencil. Do you understand me?
Tony Darvo: You got it, Jimmy.
Joey: Hey, Tony... he ain't mad at me, is he?
Jack Walsh: Are you gonna propose to me?
Jack Walsh: Propose! Because if you're not, quit starin' at me, OK?
Joey: There's one of them at the end of the hall.
Joey: So we make some noise and we get him in here and then we jump him.
Billy: Then what?
Joey: Billy. He's got a fucking machine gun. With a fucking machine gun we can shred these fuckers.
Jonathan: You know, this machine gun stuff must run in Mafia families.
Shale: Did you ever look up the word "mercenary"? It's someone who "works merely for money."
Joey: Everybody works for money.
Shale: It's not the money that bothers me; it's the "merely."
Joey: It's definitely time to relocate.
Joey: It's too bad we had to fuck up the school. I feel bad for the kids tomorrow, man.
Shale: They'll be okay. At least it's their school again.
Joey: Yeah. Where the hell we gonna go, man?
Shale: Uh, how's L.A. sound?
Joey: More bomb threats.
Shale: I heard the schools out there have a major drug problem.
Joey: No! Ah, no, no more schools, man. Forget it.
Joey: Do you know what I do everyday once I leave here?
Haru: No, what?
Joey: I'm running. I'm always running, man. My neighborhood's bad, Man, I gotta run to get cigarettes, I gotta run to get milk, I gotta run to take out the trash. Know why? Because whenever I leave my house, there's somebody out there just waiting to kick my ass.
Haru: The blackness of my belt is like the inside of a coffin on a moonless night.
Joey: That's pretty black, Man.
Haru: It is a black art, and I, Haru, am the blackest of the black. Or rather the great white black art... Blackest... Master.
Desk Manager: 73 minutes to deliver two suitcases and one garment bag. Do you have an explanation, Mr. Washington?
Joey: Yes sir, I seem to be developing tunnel carpel syndrome in my wrist. I believe it's from carrying really heavy garment bags around. Now, I don't want to go on disability, and sue this company for millions of dollars, so I figured I would just pace myself.
Desk Manager: Mr. Washington, everything you do... irritates me.
Joey: I'm gonna go soak my wrists.
Desk Manager: Can I help you sir?
Haru: Yes, I am looking for a Sally Jones.
Desk Manager: I'm sorry, I don't see anyone by that name in my computer, now if you will excuse me.
Haru: I would like to rent one of your lodgings. Is the cost great?
Desk Manager: Compared to what? A hut and a rice patty? Sir, we are a five star hotel, with 800 rooms, booked six months in advance.
Haru: I have money.
Desk Manager: I'm sure you do. Unfortunately, we don't take Wampum.
Haru: Do you perhaps take gold?
[pours out about 15 pieces of gold]
Desk Manager: Front! Perhaps I shall send Dom Perignon to your room?
Haru: I prefer to be alone tonight. Perhaps later I will meet your friend Don.
Desk Manager: [to Joey] 1A.
Joey: 1A. Ooww, my wrists. What have you got in here man, car radios?
[Haru is searching around his hotel room]
Joey: What are you, a spy or somethin'?
Haru: A spy is like a gnat compared to a ninja.
Joey: Ninja? You're a ninja? Get outta here, you're a ninja!
Malo: How you doing? I'm the new guy.
Joey: Hi, new guy. I'm sure you're really nice, but I don't fuck cops.
Malo: I just got here. Starting rumors about me already?
Joey: What, you're not a cop?
Malo: No, I'm not a nice guy.
Special Agent Derrick Vann: Which one of you spice girls blew my partner away?
Joey: That would be me.
Special Agent Derrick Vann: Well, I guess that makes you scary spice.
Zammeti: They were all French guys.
Joey: French Guys? You mean like French from France?
Zammeti: Yeah, French guys from France!
Joey: Are there gonna be guns?
Rico "Bullet" Burke: Yeah, and we're probably gonna have to use them.
Louie: Mark my words, Mittens. One day, someone's gonna stand up to you! Someone's gonna teach you a lesson!
Mittens: Yeah, I'm really scared now-
[Bolt jumps in and pins her to a garbage can]
Bolt: You should be!
Mittens: Aaah! Okay! You...!
Bolt: Where is she?
Mittens: Aaah... Who?
Bolt: You know why I'm here!
Bolt: Where is she?
Mittens: Okay, okay! Look buddy, I- I don't know what you're getting at, but...
[she looks up and sees Joey, Bobby and Vinnie laughing on a telephone wire]
Vinnie: Come on, Mittens. Just tell the guy where she is. Tell the dog, make him happy.
Bobby: Yeah, yeah, come on, Mittens! Tell him!
Mittens: [chuckles briefly] Joey, Vinnie, Bobby, my boys! Would you tell the crazy canine that he's got the wrong cat?
Vinnie: [pause] You got her, pal!
Joey: That's her!
Vinnie: She's the one!
Joey: That is definitely the right cat!
[Mittens looks back at Bolt and laughs nervously]
Bolt: Looks like we're gonna do this the hard way.
[cuts to Bolt hanging Mittens over a busy highway]
Mittens: Whoa! Aaah! You're crazy, man!
[cuts to the pigeons, looking shocked]
Vinnie: Hey Joey, did we go to far on this?
Joey: You kidding? This is the best day of my life.
Vinnie: You know, I gotta say something, if I could say something here. You look familiar. Joey, look at this guy's mug.
Joey: Yeah, you know, I could've sworn I've seen this guy before
Bobby: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Vinnie: I gotta tell ya, I never forget a face.
Joey: He never does.
Bobby: Oh yeah, yeah.
Bobby: Yeah, yeah. He's really good with the faces and such.
Bolt: Listen, listen! The man with the green eye. Tell me what you know, birds!
Vinnie: [pause] I know this dog.
Bobby: Yeah, yeah, me too!
Vinnie: I gotta remember, it's gonna kill me. Hold on.
[a bus stops beside them showing a poster of Bolt]
Vinnie: [pause] No, I don't know. I, I, I thought I know.
Bobby: Hey, you ever hang out down on 14th Street with a stray named Kelvin?
Joey: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Kelvin, the Labrador.
Vinnie: You gotta gimme something here, cause this is redonkulous.
Bobby: Absolutely redonkulous!
Vinnie: Capisch redonkulous! Ya know what that means?
Hank: Okay, team decision, a big one. That trail is the only path to the back woods. And our Survival Quest course isn't complete until you face the challenges to be found there. And with that bridge cut, there is only one way to get there. We have to climb that mountain.
Joey: Don't we ever do anything on the ground in this course?
Hank: I gotta tell ya, that mountain is not gonna be a cakewalk. I usually save the mountaineering for last but if you want to try, I believe you can make it.
Jeff: I say we do it.
Hal: Me too.
Joey: If I fall of that mountain I'm taking two of you with me.
Baron Munchausen: This how I shall address the Sultan.
[The Baron then speaks in a series of musical tones]
Joey: Melodious, but unintelligible.
Baron Munchausen: The language of diplomacy!
Joey: Mr. Morgan, is there any chance we could get Kat to take her Midol *before* she comes to class?
Mr. Morgan: Someday, you gonna get bitch-slapped and I'm not gonna do a thing to stop it.
[after Joey punches Cameron, Bianca punches Joey in the face]
Joey: Shit, Bianca, I'm shooting a nose spray ad tomorrow!
Bianca: That's for making my date bleed!
[punches him again]
Bianca: That's for my sister!
[knees him in the crotch]
Bianca: And that's for me!
Mr. Morgan: All right, not that I give a damn, but how was everybody's weekend?
Joey: Oh, I dunno, maybe we should ask Kat?
Mr. Morgan: Unless she kicked the crap outta your dumb butt, I don't wanna hear about it!
Patrick: You're gunna pay me to take out some chick?
Patrick: How much?
Joey: 20 bucks.
Joey: ...fine 30.
Patrick: Well, let's think about this... we go to the movies, that's 15 bucks. We get popcorn, that's 53. And she'll want raisonettes, alright? So, we're looking at 75 bucks.
Joey: This isn't a negotiation. Take it or leave it trailer park.
Patrick: 50 bucks and we got a deal, Fabio.
Joey: [holding up headshots] Which one do you like better?
Bianca: Umm, I think I like the white shirt better.
Joey: Yeah, it's-it's more...
Joey: Damn, I was going for thoughtful.
Mr. Morgan: Get outta my class.
Kat Stratford: What?
Mr. Morgan: Out. Get out!
Joey: Thanks, Mr. Morgan.
Mr. Morgan: Shut up!
Joey: Your sister here?
Kat Stratford: Stay away from my sister.
Joey: Oh, I'll stay away from your sister, but I can't guarantee she'll stay away from me.
Joey: [to Patrick after Kat backs into his car when he won't move it out her way] Watching that bitch violate my car doesn't count as a date.
Joey: Are you lost?
Michael: No, actually I just came by to chat.
Joey: We don't chat.
Joey: Wait a minute. I know you. You're Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. You play basketball for the Los Angeles Lakers.
Roger Murdock: I'm sorry, son, but you must have me confused with someone else. My name is Roger Murdock. I'm the co-pilot.
Joey: You are Kareem! I've seen you play. My dad's got season tickets.
Roger Murdock: I think you should go back to your seat now, Joey. Right, Clarence?
Captain Oveur: Nahhhhhh, he's not bothering anyone. Let him stay here.
Roger Murdock: But just remember, my name is...
[showing his nametag]
Roger Murdock: ROGER MURDOCK. I'm an airline pilot.
Joey: I think you're the greatest, but my dad says you don't work hard enough on defense.
[Kareem gets angry]
Joey: And he says that lots of times, you don't even run down court. And that you don't really try... except during the playoffs.
Roger Murdock: [breaking character] The hell I don't! LISTEN, KID! I've been hearing that crap ever since I was at UCLA. I'm out there busting my buns every night! Tell your old man to drag Walton and Lanier up and down the court for 48 minutes!
Captain Oveur: You ever been in a cockpit before?
Joey: No sir, I've never been up in a plane before.
Captain Oveur: You ever seen a grown man naked?
Willy: What is she doin'?
Joey: Oh, my God. She's prayin'.
Delores: Lord, I want you to forgive Willy and Joey, because they know not what they do. They're only doin' what Vince told 'em to do, because Vince is too chicken to do it himself! So he's called upon these 2 men to take care of his business! So I want you to forgive them, Lord. Espectum, espertum, cacoomb, toutu, eplubium. Amen!
Willy, Joey: Amen.
[Delores whacks them in their crotches and darts off]
Vince: Is it done?
Willy: Not completely.
Vince: What do you mean?
Joey: Vince, we can't waste a nun.
Vince: What are you two nuts talking about? It's Delores, in a costume.
Willy: How do you know she didn't sign up and become one of them when she was there? Things like this happen.
Vince: [frustrated sigh] Because I know this woman. In the biblical sense and she ain't no nun.
Vince: [refuses to shoot Delores] Joey, do it.
Joey: I can't, Vince. She's still a nun.
Vince: She's a broad. Y'got it? Just a broad!
Reverend Mother: I guarantee you she is no broad! She is Sister Mary Clarence of St. Katherine's Convent. She's a model of generosity, virtue, and love! You have my word for it, gentlemen, she is a nun!
Willy: Ya hear that? Now, aren't you glad we didn't shoot her?
Joey: When you're living in my house, you're a Taliban! Okay? You keep your body a secret. Except you get to, you know, go to school and read books.
Joey: Holy shit, it's like a screensaver!
Joey: What are... What are you wearing?
Joey: Shorts? That's... That's a Maxi Pad.
Lacey: Dad, they're designer shorts. They're French. Goodbye.
Joey: Please take the bikini pictures off of your facebook page.
Joey: You know what kind of guy you attract like that?
Joey: You attract the guy with his pants around his ass at the mall.
Margaret: [about her doll being stolen by Switchblade Sam] You guys don't understand! Baby Louise is a very expensive antique!
Dennis: Nobody robbed your doll, Margaret. Maybe a bear ate it.
Joey: Yeah, there's no robbers in our town.
Margaret: You know why men are so lousey when it comes to taking care of babies?
Dennis: They have better things to do.
Margaret: Like what? Play golf and drink beer?
Dennis: No, like hunting, having wars, driving cars, shaving, cleaning fish. Do you know how to do that?
Joey: Oh, okay.
Margaret: If you didn't have women, you wouldn't have babies, which means you wouldn't have people.
Joey: And if you didn't have men, who'd drive the ladies to the hospital?
Margaret: This things been here our whole life and we never knew it.
Joey: Do you think anybody lived in it?
Dennis: Just squirrels and birds.
Joey: It looks kind of junky.
Dennis: We'll fix it up.
Margaret: Oh, good, I'll be the decorator. We'll put on a special room for the babies and a powder room for when we have company.
Dennis: Forts don't have powder rooms.
Margaret: Oh, really? Where do the soldiers' wives go to freshen up?
Joey: Soldiers don't have wives, stupid.
Margaret: Don't call me stupid, baby rump kisser!
Dennis: The most important thing is they marry the women, then the women can go down and get the baby.
Margaret: The baby is in her stomach.
Dennis: She has to get it installed. Her stomach isn't just filled up with babies.
Margaret: Who installed some?
Dennis: A minister and a doctor.
Joey: [laughs] She wants to know how?
[Joey continues laughing but stops as Margaret furiosuly glares at him]
Margaret: Tell me, Dennis. How?
Dennis: The bellybutton-it opens up.
Margaret: How come men have them?
Dennis: So they don't look weird in bathing suits.
[Margaret goes disapproved]
Margaret: You guys are the boring ones. There's lots to do.
Dennis: Oh, really? Like what?
Margaret: We could practice singing songs or put on a play or a puppet show.
Joey: We could bury you alive.
Margaret: I could pound your face.
Joey: Look, I know you're hurtin' now, but in time you'll realize what you've achieved.
Jimmy Rabbitte: I've achieved nothing!
Joey: You're missin' the point. The success of the band was irrelevant - you raised their expectations of life, you lifted their horizons. Sure we could have been famous and made albums and stuff, but that would have been predictable. This way it's poetry.
Jimmy Rabbitte: Who're you, then?
Joey: Are you the one startin the band?
Jimmy Rabbitte: Yeah.
Joey: The name's Joseph Fagin. Joey "The Lips" Fagin.
Jimmy Rabbitte: [sarcastically] And I'm Jimmy "The Bollocks" Rabbitte
Joey: I get mine from my horn playing. How'd you get yours?
Jimmy Rabbitte: Don't get snotty with me.
Joey: I get snotty with no man.
[Joey and Dean are rehearsing apart from the rest of the band]
Joey: Are you doing what I told you? Are you thinking of that reed as a woman's nipple?
Joey: Are you doing what I said? Are you thinking of that reed as a woman's nipple?
Dean Fay: I am. But, I'm a little embarrassed, she's still in school.
Joey: Maybe you should set your sights a little higher? My trumpet was always Gina Lollobrigida.
Dean Fay: [thinking] How about Kim Basinger?
Joey: [holds his hand up to his chest as though cupping a breast] Is she?
Dean Fay: Oh, yeah!
Joey: Right. Pick a nipple and try again.
Outspan Foster: What's that? A Mister Chippy van?
Mickah Wallace, Drums: We can't travel in that shit heap.
Joey: Buddy Holly's last words.
Joey: We can't travel in that shit heap.
Outspan Foster: Did Buddy Holly say that?
Joey: Before he flew to meet his destiny on that storm-tossed night.
Outspan Foster: Will crashin' in a chipper van make us famous, huh?
Joey: [at school] If I owned the Twins, I wouldn't even show up here. I'd just hire a bunch of scientists to do my homework. I mean, if you're rich you don't have to be smart. That's the whole beauty of this country.
Joey: You should start Webman. He always beats the Rangers.
Billy Heywood: He always beats everybody. That's why he's 3-7.
Joey: Man! When my Grandfather died, all I got was a sweater.
Joey: You what you should do? You should start Webman!
Billy Heywood: I had a feeling you were going to say that.
Joey: I can't believe you lost to the Tigers, they stink!
Joseph R. Cooper: What is something you really want?
Joey: Chelsea Clinton.
Joseph R. Cooper: That's a tough order, dude.
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: You'd have a better shot at Bill.
Nellie: The whole thing literally takes like five minutes.
Joey: That's amazing. You don't even have to clear your schedge.
Nellie: No, you still need the whole day because they talk to you for a while.
Joey: Well, you don't have to clear your schedge, 'cause there's nothing on it.
Joey: Jump up and down. And don't forget to breathe! That's what they say when they have a heart attack, 'Oh! I forgot to breathe!'
Joey: Hey, shit nuts. Your fucking waxer ruined my ball. It's yours now. I want a new one.
BBK: Alright, first of all, shit-for brains, that area's being remodeled. You ain't even supposed to be over there. And secondly, you're a fucking dip shit. It looks to me like you just pressed down too goddamned hard. You're supposed to let that machine do all the work. I don't see it as a malfunction at the junction boy.
Joey: Maybe you should open your fucking eyes then, idiot. There's one inch of sharp screw embedded in the bottom. It's fucked. End of story. Now go get me a new fucking ball.
BBK: Use one of the balls by your lane.
Joey: Those balls are shitty and used, just like your fucking underwear. Now go get me a goddamned new ball!
BBK: Hey, calm down now. Don't get your panties in a bunch. Now you be a good boy and go back over to your lane and maybe I'll go over to the store and get you something brand-spanking new. If you're lucky.
Joey: Lucky? You wanna talk about luck? You're fucking lucky the toilet wouldn't flush when your mom spread her legs and pulled you out with a goddamned coat hanger.
BBK: You're lucky the buffalo beat me over the fence, otherwise I'd be your daddy.
Joey: Oh, that's fucking hilarious. Hey, where are you going? You better be going to get my new ball. I got a fucking game to win, no fucking around!
BBK: Yeah, that's what your mama said.
Joey: Make sure you spray these things good, Eggerton. I don't want to catch your gangrene.
BBK: Hey, it's Egerton, dip shit. Didn't you go to fucking public school?
Joey: I feel like we've been here before. You... Me... Them!
Ed: You're right, there's a chill in the air tonight. Fifty-eight years old, can't be too careful in this weather.
Joey: [pointing to coffin] Yeah, you'll end up in one of those.
Ed: Uh-uh. Not me. You'll never find me in one of these. I'm gonna get me cremated.
Joey: You're just afraid that some old creep like you is gonna come along and steal your head.
Ed: Watch your tongue, boy, if you like this job!
Joey: Like this job?
Joey: Let me eat your braaaiiiiiinnnnn!
Joey: But they smell so good... so spicy...
Brenda: Take me!
Joey: You're not being very positive about this?
Gwen: I couldn't be any more positive if I was gang raped in a repository bin at the needle exchange.
[Joey states he might be just a little bit gay, so Gwen tests him]
Gwen Anderson: Can you list any tracks on Madonna's "Like a Prayer" album?
Joey: [going quickly] Um, "Express Yourself," "Cherish," "Oh Father..."
Gwen Anderson: "Vogue?"
Joey: No, honey, "Vogue" was on "Dick Tracy."
Gwen Anderson: It's not a fucking phase! You're a full-fledged homo!
Joey: Bart... you gotta kill me. You gotta kill me, man...
Bart: Kill you?
Joey: I can't go through eternity talking with a fuckin' dildo on my throat.
Molly: ...you have no respect for women.
Joey: I guess dinner and a blow job's out of the question.
Molly: I guess.
Joey: We'll forget dinner...
Larry: (to cops) Stay back! (to Joey) Tell them to stay back or I'll blow this place and half the fuckin' block to hell.
Joey: He says stay back or he's gonna blow this place and half the block to hell.
Detective Walters (Gary Howard Klar) (on bullhorn): Yeah? With what?
Larry: The stuff on my bike there. It's very explosive stuff.
Joey: He's got stuff strapped to his bike!
Det. Walters: So what? So's my little kid. Look, we wanna know what it is.
Larry: M2 plastic.
Joey: (to Larry) Plastic?
Larry: M2 plastic.
Joey: (to Larry) Plastique? Oh, shit.
Joey: M2 plastique!
Det. Walters: M2 plastique? You tell him we don't believe him. Where the hell did he get that?
Det. Walters: OK! OK! What does he want?
[Joe is trading insults with a photographer]
Joey: You know what you are - you're an ass-half... Takes two of you to make an ass-whole.
Joey: Larry, I never did Donna.
[hands Mason a business card]
Joey: Hey, you want a deal, you give me a call. I think you know the number, right?
Captain Mason: Thanks, O'Brien!
Joey: You got it, huh!
[to the camera]
Joey: God, I love to sell!
Joey: Oh, yeah!
Joey: [Susan arrives at their table in a rage] Is this your daughter, Judge?
Richard Nugent: [shocked that he'd insinuate Margaret is old enough to have a teenage daughter] It's her sister!
Joey: Funny, you look enough alike to be mother and daughter!
Margaret: [annoyed] Sisters look alike too.
Agnes Prescott: I hate my sister.
Joey: We have a six hour drive tomorrow, Jennifer.
Jennifer: Yeah, and I don't want to sleep in the hearse. The hearse smells like drummer.
Sam: I heard that!
Jennifer: It's not what it looks like.
Sam: You ate beef!
Jennifer: Everyone be cool.
Tyler: Okay, we've definitely smoked PCP.
Jennifer: I can explain.
Joey: You can explain? You can explain why you're chewing on a severed arm?
Jennifer: Oh, don't be such a drama queen.
Jennifer: Nobody likes a judge.
Joey: Yeah, nobody likes a vampire either.
Jennifer: Screw you, Joey!
Joey: Screw me? Screw me? You're out of the band, Jennifer!
Tyler: She's kind of the best thing about this band right now.
Tyler: I'm just saying maybe you should sleep on it.
Sam: Oh my God, you really ate beef.
Joey: How'd you know my name?
Bartender: Oh, I can read your mind.
Joey: Wow. What am I thinking right now?
Bartender: Well, you're thinking "this bartender is crazy!"
Joey: You're good.
Bartender: You're afraid of being a loser for the rest of your life. Too late for you. Too late for the band. I would say you're 30 pounds of junk food and a retail job away from killing yourself. Just a guess.
Hugo: She'll be here. I know women.
Joey: We're gonna miss sound check.
Sam: I hope she's okay.
Joey: She's okay. She's always okay. She just doesn't care. This is why I broke up with her.
Tyler: She dumped you.
Hugo: Yeah, for being an insensitive prick.
[Joey glares at him]
Hugo: Her words, not mine.
Linda: [referring to Joey] Should he be driving?
[snorts some cocaine]
Jade: I'll drive.
Jack: It's the drugs that hold Joey together. Right burly man?
Joey: Oh yeah!
Joey: I fucking love violence!
Joey: Beer? Beer? Anyone know where I can get some fucking beer?
Joey: Welcome to Free Love Festival, where America's best and brightest come to celebrate...
Joey: Yes! Freedom to do drugs - lots of fucking drugs!
Joey: Shut the fuck up. George Bush is the greatest.
Joey: The man's got balls. Big Texas-size balls. Probably the first man in history to ever tell the whole world, "Fuck you. I could do what I want, and there ain't shit you can do about it."
Linda: George Bush is like the worst president this country's ever had. Yeah.
Joey: You're just saying that because George Bush hates black people.
Linda: [laughing] You're absolutely right!
Joey: [after getting his hand cut off] What the fuck's your problem, man?
Joey: Hey you toothless redneck pig fuckers! You want some trouble? Huh? Because my buddy here was just wondering.
[points to Ivan and cowers in the back]
Joey: [Jade is about to give Joey head] You have just found the weapons of mass destruction.
Les: They must've... they must've already got to you.
Joey: Who got to us, Les?
Les: The suits. The suits. They know that you're my friends, so they must have put you in some sort of mind shield so that you can't see my powers. Mmm, it's genius.
Sarah: Do you realize that everything that you're saying is what they say the Antichrist would say?
Joey: You're kidding.
Sarah: No, it's true. They say the Antichrist will be a very rational person who will convince people not to believe in God but to believe in themselves, science, and rational thought.
Melvin: Oh, you're totally the Antichrist.
Joey: This belief thing kills me. It's like, all theological concepts are basically unprovable. So they invented faith. Which was genius!
Joey: That is the most undignified thing I've ever heard of. I mean, this guy is the laughing stock of heaven right now!
Joey: All of you need therapy.
Joey: Do whatever you want, strange alien beings. Take my blood, my organs, my semen, but please, please, don't make me late for work.
Joey: I think I'm in love!
Neil Allen: If this is love, sex is gonna kill you!
Vincent LaMarca: How'd we get this way son? I remember the day you were born.
Joey: Yeah? Well, I remember the day you left. So we're even.
Joey: The bitch is a booster.
Mike: The bitch is a born thief, man.
Mr. Dean: So, you had her made from the jump?
Mike: I'm tellin' ya. A ton of fuckin' bricks! Show me some REAL con-men.
Joey: Yeah, we showed her some con-men.
Mike: We showed her some DINOSAUR con-men. Some old style.
Joey: Yes, sir.
Mike: Years from now, they're gonna have to go to a museum to see a frame like this.
Joey: That's right.
Mr. Dean: Took her money and screwed her, too.
Mike: A small price to pay.
Joey: You'd sell anybody for buttons.
Moe Williams: Yeah, but not to *you*, Mister!
Joey: What do you think makes a guy like that turn? Ratting, there's no excuse Tommy, obviously someone took his place.
Joey: I don't know
Joey: It's a fucking clown
Tommy: Blood is thicker than water, no?
Joey: I don't know, I haven't drank any in a while.
Joey: It's funny, you think something is over, you know? After a certain amount of time passes, then you see 'em, it's like a rubber band snaps you back. And you realize, maybe it's not over after all. At least not for you.
Joey: I hope you guys can work it out, it's important you stay together.
Lorraine: It's obvious you've never been married.
[Referring to a porn actress]
Frankie: She's pretty good, huh?
Joey: Yeah, she's a regular Meryl Streep. Her idea of improvisation is putting a dick in her mouth sideways.
Tony Manero: She can dance, you know that? She's got the wrong partner of course, but she can dance.
Joey: So then why don't you ask her?
Tony Manero: Fuck you.
Joey: Which position?
Joey: Hey Tony, Double J's been in the car twenty-five minutes with some chick!
Tony Manero: So?
Joey: So, I can't get the selfish prick out!
Tony Manero: [to Annette] These guys can't do nothin' without me.
Joey: You had coffee with Joe Namath?
Stephanie: Yeah! He asked me what it was like to be 21, and I told him I didn't know, 'cause I was just twenty.
Joey: Then what?
Stephanie: That's all.
Tony Manero: [with his mouth full] Ain't that enough?
Joey: Hey, don't you never chew, Tony? Don't you never chew?
Tony Manero: [annoyed] Hey, when my mother dies, I'll give you the job, all right?
Tommie Morolto: -if only I could get my hands on this kid.
Ruth: I think it's urgent, Mr. Morolto.
Tommie Morolto: Ruth thinks it's urgent, Joey. What do you think?
Ruth: It's a Mr. McDeere. Mr. Mitchell McDerre. He's waiting to see you.
Joey: I think Ruth is right.
[talking about Jason, who's in jail]
Joey: Would it be all right if I could see him, talk to him?
Sheriff J. P. Harrah: Why sure, Joey. Just, uh, let me have that gun.
Joey: Never mind.
Shane: I gotta be going on.
Joey: Why, Shane?
Shane: A man has to be what he is, Joey. Can't break the mould. I tried it and it didn't work for me.
Joey: We want you, Shane.
Shane: Joey, there's no living with... with a killing. There's no going back from one. Right or wrong, it's a brand. A brand sticks. There's no going back. Now you run on home to your mother, and tell her... tell her everything's all right. And there aren't any more guns in the valley.
[Joey notices that Shane is wounded]
Joey: It's bloody! You're hurt!
Shane: [Shane starts to stroke Joey's hair ] I'm all right, Joey. You go home to your mother and father and grow up to be strong and straight. And, Joey... take care of them, both of them.
Joey: Yes, Shane.
[Shane rides off]
Marian Starrett: Guns aren't going to be my boy's life!
Joey: Why do you always have to spoil everything?
Shane: A gun is a tool, Marian; no better or no worse than any other tool: an axe, a shovel or anything. A gun is as good or as bad as the man using it. Remember that.
Marian Starrett: We'd all be much better off if there wasn't a single gun left in this valley - including yours.
Joey: Shane. Shane! Come back! Bye, Shane.
Joey: I just love Shane!
Joey: Somebody's comin', Pa!
Joe Starrett: Well, let him come.
Joey: Was that him? Was that Wilson?
Shane: That was him. That was Wilson, all right, and he was fast, fast on the draw.
Shane: You were watchin' me down it for quite a spell, weren't you?
Joey: Yes I was.
Shane: You know, I... I like a man who watches things go on around. It means he'll make his mark someday.
Joey: I bet it stings like anything!
Joey: Pa's got things for you to do. And Mother wants you. I know she does!
Joey: Could you whip him, Pa? Could you whip Shane?
Joe Starrett: Don't you ask nothin' but questions?
Joey: But could you?
Joe Starrett: Ooh, maybe. But there's no call for that, Joey. Shane's on our side.
Joe Starrett: I know one thing, the only way they're gonna get me outta here is in a pine box.
Joey: What do you mean, Pa?
Joe Starrett: Well, I mean son, they'll have to shoot me and carry me out.
Marian Starrett: Joe, I wish you wouldn't talk like that.
Joe Starrett: Well, that's the truth! You love this place. We've got our roots down.
Joey: I wish they'd give me some bullets for this gun.
Joe Starrett: That's one thing a married man has got to get used to, is waitin' for women.
Joey: Hurry up, Ma!
Joey: Goodnight, Ma.
Marian Starrett: Goodnight, Joey.
Joey: Goodnight, Pa.
Joe Starrett: Goodnight, son.
Joey: Goodnight Shane!
Peewee: [Overhearing what Joey says Turkey about the Baldies] Hey, Terror! This guy just said we look like a bunch of pricks with ears!
Joey: [Terror and the rest of the Baldies walk toward Joey] I didn't say that! I didn't say that!
Peewee: Oh yeah! What did you say?
Joey: I said, uh, you guys look like a bunch of, uh, ears without pricks!
[Takes off running with the Baldies in pursuit]
Joey: Gotta go, but if you ever need us just whistle loud and we'll be there.
Joey: Twenty seven guys with the last name "Wong' all know Jujitsu and kill you with one judo chop.
Richie: You hear the whistle?
Buddy: Yeah. Ready to kick some ass!
[Joey and Turkey run by them]
Richie: Hey, Hey Joey! Who we fighting?
Joey: The Baldies!
Richie: The Baldies? Oh, shit!
Peppy Dio: You guys are gonna win big tonight!
Joey: [about the bowling hustlers] What, are you kidding, Peppy Dio? These guys is good enough to be pros.
Peppy Dio: Now you're thinkin'. They is pros. Chubby checked up on them. They go around to the different lanes. Hustle the house bowlers. They hustle the hustlers. They are greedy boys.
Joey: Hey, what's Chubby gonna do?
Peppy Dio: Chubby got a way of creating miracles.
Nina: [realizes Ritchie and Joey are cheating at strip poker with Despie and herself]
Nina: Hey, wait a minute there's something fishy going on here! You know, in a couple minutes we're going to be naked, and then what?
Richie: Then we play one more hand.
Nina: For what?
Joey: [whistles casually]
Nina: For What?
Joey: Then we get to do whatevah' we want to do.
Despie Galasso: OK, that's IT! We got to back to the party!
Richie: What the party? What are you talkin' about we're just havin' some fun here.
Nina: C'mon Despie, we don't have to stop playing.
Richie: We've just been lucky that's all. I know you're going to get lucky, you're going to win the next one I just know it.
Joey: Just playin' a nice little innocent game here.
Turkey: Hey, look listen to me, I call my friends in the Baldies.
Turkey: NO, those Guys Like Me! If we call'em I think they'll come in with us. With them in, you know, it's all over.
Richie: Listen, I ain't callin' those guys Turkey, I got my pride.
Buddy: Yeah, sometimes all you got is pride. You got to hold your head up high. You know, I seen this movie once where this guy was being tortured by the Japs. But he wouldn't give them any information. Every time they tortured him, he started singing the Star Spangled Banner.
Joey: WOW, what happened?
Buddy: They killed him.
Richie: Shut-Up, will yuh' Buddy! You're depressing me.
Joey: Those guys just look like a bunch of Neanderthal retardos' man, take a look at them.
Turkey: Are you kiddin' man? Those are the Fordham Baldies JOEY! They're so Fuckin' insane man, they shave their heads so their hair won't get in their eyes when they FIGHT! No one Fucks with the Baldies MAN!
Joey: Those guys look like a bunch of pricks with ears.
Peewee: What you'd just say?
Joey: I ain't talkin' to yuh', SCRAM!
Turkey: Easy Joey, easy. Hey yuh Peewee. Joey this is Peewee, she's head of the ladies Baldies auxiliary. That's Terror's woman man, she goes with Terror. How you doin' Peewee?
Peewee: What you'd just say?
Turkey: He didn't say nuttin' Peewee.
Peewee: I ain't talkin' to you. What you'd just say about pricks?
Joey: I said pricks with ears.
Peewee: Hey Terror! This asshole just said we look like a bunch of pricks with ears!
Turkey: He didn't say that did you Joey!
Peewee: OH Yeah, then what'd he say?
Joey: [as the gang of Baldies walks angrily toward Joey and Turkey] I didn't say that! I didn't that! I didn't say you guys look like a bunch of pricks with ears. UH, UH, I said you guys look like a bunch of ears without pricks!
[then turns and runs off]
Turkey: [slowly backing away from the Baldies] Hey Terror, how you doin'?
[then turns and quickly follows Joey out of fear for their lives]
Maureen Murphy Quinn: [about to leave her family to go off with Eddie] I'll get my coat.
Joey: Bullshit! Looks like a lot of fuckin' bullshit!
Eddie: Hey, don't blame her! What difference does it make what she says, what she feels, what she thinks? For whatever reason, she belongs to me.
Joey: Yeah, you two pricks belong together.
Shorty: What, I'm a prick?
Joey: Not you. Her.
Shorty: What? Are you callin' your wife a prick?
Joey: All right. You two get out of my fuckin' house.
Jeanie: Hey Daddy, what are you doing?
Joey: Shut up and drink your beer!
[while smoking a cigarette]
Joey: We quit smoking together.
[on a dinner table]
Elliot: You're not a boy anymore, son. You're a young man. Do you know how lucky you are this happened while you're in high school so the principal could call your mother? Because in the real world, you're in jail right now.
Joey: I didn't steal anything.
[cell phone rings]
Elliot: [answering] Hello?
Kate: Ben, would you like some more water?
Ben: Yes, please.
Elliot: [on the phone] No. No, let's just leave the way it is. I don't want to change anything at this point.
Kate: [whispering to Elliot] Can we do this later, please?
Elliot: [on the phone] Yeah. I can't talk right now. I'll call you back in half an hour.
[hangs up the phone]
Kate: Thank you.
Elliot: Where were we?
Joey: What the fuck, Vlad?
Vlad: I'm posing for your uncle's new masterpiece.
Joey: That's so gay.
Ben: People have been modeling for painters for centuries now, Joe. All kinds of people.
Vlad: He doesn't mean homosexual, Uncle Ben. He just means stupid.
Joey: I feel the need to express something, but I don't know what it is I want to express. Or how to express it.
Joey: Mother, is that you? You shouldn't be here, not tonight. I'll take you home. You look so strange and tired. I feel like we're in a dream together. Please don't look so sad. It makes me feel so guilty, so consumed with guilt. It's ironic, because I've cared for you so, and you have nothing but distain for me, and yet I feel guilty. I think you're really too perfect to live in this world. I mean, all the beautifully furnished rooms, carefully designed interiors, everything's so controlled. There wasn't any room for any real feelings. None, between any of us. Except Renata, who never gave you the time of day. You worship Renata. You worship talent. Well, what happens to those of us who can't create? What do we do? What do *I* do when I'm overwhelmed with feelings about life? How do I get them out? I feel such rage toward you! Oh mother, don't you see, you're not just a sick woman. That would be too easy. The truth is, there's been perverseness, and willfulness of attitude in many of the things you've done. At the center of a sick psyche there is a sick spirit. But, I love you. And we have no other choice, but to forgive each other.
Mike: I love you, Joey.
Joey: Why do you stick with me? I give you nothing but grief!
Joey: At the centre of a sick psyche is a sick spirit.
Joey: What happens to those of us who can't create?
Joey: She's a vulgarian!
Joey: Renata, Renata! All I hear about is Renata!
Joey: [bringing mug full of hot water] One order of freshly microwaved tap-water.
Gregory Talbot: Smells delicious.
Joey: [after a long pause] So... Do I get to listen, or do I have to come up with some excuse to give you guys privacy?
Gregory Talbot: "I've got a hot date" has always worked for me.
Joey: Fine. It was a pleasure warming your water.
Joey: Don't be such a dick pump.
Joey: [after spotting a guy with "Ding" shirt and another guy with "Dong" shirt together] I want my Ding.
Andrew: I want my Dong.
David: [To Rachel] You're drunk!
David: She's drunk.
Joey: They were big cups.
Harry: Ya shot him Joey. Ya shot your brother!
Charley: Yeah... you shot him Joey
Joey: I didn't! I didn't!
Lennie: What did you run away for? It was only a joke!
Joey: Why didn't you tell me?
[Wendy drives her three friends out to the lake in the woods on Tuesday the 17th]
Wendy: Can you not put that so close to my face?
Wendy: It's so annoying.
Spider: Wait a minute - You go to this lake every year?
Spider: By yourself?
Wendy: Um... Yeah. But this year, I have you guys, so it's gonna be fun.
Samantha: What do you do, just like, walk around the woods and play with yourself?
Joey: If - If that's what you do, can I play with Samantha?
Samantha: Get it out...!
[Samantha hits the camera away from her when Joey zooms in on her legs]
[Wendy continues to drive her friends out into the woods when they start to get curious as to why]
Samantha: Because when you told me about this trip, you said it was just gonna be us girls, but now we're...
Joey: Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
[Joey begins recording himself]
Joey: I need to document this, okay? You told me, Wendy - Wendy, my sweet - That this was just gonna be you and me, and now you've told her it's just gonna be an all girls trip.
Spider: I'm just glad I'm with, you know, some people and not alone.
Samantha: I don't want to hear a word about you jerking off.
Spider: Well, I mean, I don't jerk off that much, but...
Samantha: Not that much?
Joey: Come on!
[the camera cuts to them arriving closer to their destination]
Spider: Is this it?
Joey: I don't know. Is this it? Oh, okay, yeah.
[dramatically says out loud when reading the dead end street sign]
Joey: This is - Ooh, dead end! Let's take the left! Really, Wendy?
[the four friends in the woods see the tree covered in mushrooms]
Spider: Whoa, whoa, look at that!
Spider: Look. Look at this!
Joey: Oh, wow.
Spider: Isn't that awesome?
Joey: [Joey zooms in on the mushroom tree] Yo, we could trip all day on that.
Spider: [Spider laughs] Yeah.
Joey: [Joey starts stroking the mushrooms on the tree] Yeah.
Samantha: [Samantha joins in on stroking the mushrooms on the tree] Oh, yeah.
Joey: [the two start stroking the tree together] Yeah, you like that?
Samantha: Yeah - Dream on!
[Samantha takes her hands off the tree and walks away with Spider laughing]
Wendy: Joey... You're all gonna fuckin' die up here.
[Joey records the four friends in the woods having a little smoke together]
Spider: Are you guys doing drugs?
Joey: [Samantha laughs] What?
Samantha: He fuckin' calls it drugs!
Joey: Wait, I gotta get this.
Spider: Are you guys doing drugs right now. Seriously?
Samantha: No, oh, my god, Spider, the look on your face right now...
Spider: No, seriously.
Wendy: Spider, can I tell you something?
Wendy: You're a fucking dweeb.
Spider: Whatever, I don't - I don't do drugs. How 'bout that? How's that sound?
Samantha: Spider, why. What's wrong? Why do you look so scared. Just take a hit.
Spider: I'm... scared of getting the fear.
Spider: The fear. You never heard of that?
[Joey and Samantha laugh simultaneously]
Spider: Don't laugh. Don't laugh! I'm serious. The fear. You know, when you do too many drugs and then you get, like, all freaked out and crazy.
Samantha: Spider, there's no fucking such thing as the fear.
Joey: Just take a hit, bro.
Samantha: Take a fucking hit and chill out!
Joey: Come on!
Spider: I'll take a hit if you don't film it.
[Samantha hands him the smoke and Joey continues to record]
[Spider records the friends talking to Wendy about the murders in the woods]
Joey: Wendy, what the fuck were you saying before about us all gettin' killed?
Spider: Wait, what?
Samantha: When did she say that?
Joey: When we were over by the mushroom tree. When we were standing over by the tree, she was like, you're all gonna fuckin' die!
Spider: What do you mean, like, here? Like, here-here?
Wendy: Did you guys not hear about this?
Samantha: Why the fuck would I come to this lake if I heard about some damn murders out here?
Wendy: Yeah. It was pretty bad.
Samantha: Are you being serious?
Joey: You're fuckin' with us! Get outta here!
Wendy: No, I'm being dead serious.
Spider: Well, what happened?
Wendy: Um... You know, the weird thing is that I don't remember what he looked like.
Samantha: What do you mean, you don't remember?
Spider: What who looked like? What are you talking about?
[Wendy starts laughing]
Spider: Fuck you! Fuck you! I told you guys!
Joey: What the fuck?
Spider: The fear! You see!
Samantha: She gave me the fuckin' fear!
Spider: Fuck this!
[Wendy records Joey as she tells him the truth about the woods]
Joey: You were serious earlier, weren't you? About the murders. I remember reading about it now. It was, like, four kids were killed, and the guy - they said the guy was, like, insane.
Wendy: He was beyond insane. He was evil. This lake ran red with their blood, and I came back...
Joey: To move on. I - I get it. It's some kind of, like, post-traumatic stress therapy or something.
Wendy: No, it's not therapy. I brought you back because I needed bait.
Wendy: They never caught him, Joey. They never believed me, how - How he was everywhere. How he could be at two places at once. That wall back there - my friend smashed her head open on it.
Joey: Wendy, this is crazy, okay? I think you need help. Maybe we should just get the others and get the fuck out of here.
Wendy: They're dead, Joey. He's back.
[Joey and Spider talk in the woods]
Joey: What are you - ? Wait. I have a question. What are you doing here? Huh?
Spider: See that, uh, blonde goddess up there?
Joey: No, where?
Spider: [Joey zooms in on Samantha walking up the hill] That's what I'm here for.
Joey: I don't see much of a blonde goddess anyhwere.
Spider: Oh, uh... blonde crack whore, according to you, right?
Joey: She is a crack whore.
Spider: Hey, give me the camera.
Joey: You're not gettin the camera bro.
Spider: Just gimme it for a second.
Spider: Cause I wanna do something with it.
Joey: No. Go fuck yourself.
The Priest: Demons aren't real. Theyre parables, metaphors.
Joey: [as the doors open and Pinhead enters] Then what the fuck is that?
Pinhead: Human dreams... such fertile ground for the seeds of torment. You're so ripe Joey, and it's harvest time.
Joey: [crying] But this isn't fair! You can't!
Pinhead: Save your tears. I'll reap your sorrow slowly. I have centuries to discover the things that make you whimper.
Joey: You bastard! You invaded my mind!
Pinhead: You think your nighttime world is closed to me? Your mind is so naked. A book that yearns to be read. A door that begs to be opened.
Pinhead: Just give me the box and I'll free you from the future.
Joey: Free yourself from the past.
Pinhead: [shouting] Don't debate with me, girl! Just come here and die while you still have the option of doing it quickly!
Pinhead: Unbearable, isn't it? The suffering of strangers, the agony of friends. There is a secret song at the center of the world, Joey, and its sound is like razors through flesh.
Joey: I don't believe you.
Pinhead: Oh come, you can hear its faint echo right now. I'm here to turn up the volume. To press the stinking face of humanity into the dark blood of its own secret heart.
Joey: Oh, Doc. No.
Camerahead Cenobite: Have you seen what he did to me, you little bitch? Have you seen?
Joey: Go to hell!
Tobey: [after Joey scares him in the car] Get out of the car! Get out of the goddamn car!
Joey: I got you!
Tobey: I'm gonna beat your ass. Get out of the fucking car!
Joey: [after Joey scares him in the car] Get out of the fucking car! Get out of the car!
Tobey: I got you!
Joey: I'm gonna beat your ass. Get out of the fucking car!
Joey: Makes you respect the sound of silence.
Floyd: You need to call off your pet chihuahua before I slap the bitch straight. Ya get me?
Joey: Least he can remember my bloody name, ya sad, bloody man-slack!
Browse more character quotes from Twister (1996)