Joe Mentalino Quotes in Dumb and Dumber (1994)

Lloyd Christmas: [Reaching over Joe Mantelino] You're it.

Harry Dunne: You're it.

Lloyd Christmas: You're it, quitsies!

Harry Dunne: Anti-quitsies, you're it, quitsies, no anti-quitsies, no startsies!

Lloyd Christmas: You can't do that!

Harry Dunne: Can too!

Lloyd Christmas: Cannot, stamp it!

Harry Dunne: Can too, double stamp it, no erasies!

Lloyd Christmas: Cannot, triple stamp, no erasies, Touch blue make it true.

Harry Dunne: No, you can't do that... you can't triple stamp a double stamp, you can't triple stamp a double stamp! Lloyd!

Lloyd Christmas: [hands over ears] LA LA LA LA LA LA!

Harry Dunne: LLOYD! LLOYD! LLOYD!

Joe Mentalino: GUYS! ENOUGH!

Joe Mentalino: Guys! Guys! Guys! Fellas... you think we could listen to the radio or something?

Lloyd Christmas: Radio? Who needs a radio? Ready, Harry?

[Lloyd and Harry start singing "Mockingbird"]

Harry Dunne: Would you like an atomic pepper, Mr. Mentalino?

Joe Mentalino: Nah, you guys go ahead.

Harry Dunne: I'll do it if you will, Lloyd.

Lloyd Christmas: Okay. You go first.

Harry Dunne: No no. You go first.

Lloyd Christmas: You go first.

Harry Dunne: You go first! I always go first!

Lloyd Christmas: You go first!

Joe Mentalino: Why don't you guys both stop acting like a couple of pussies and go at the same time, huh?

Lloyd Christmas: That sounds like a dare, Har.

Joe Mentalino: It's a *double* dare!

Harry Dunne: Yeah, okay. You're on!

[checking Harry & Lloyd's apartment]

Joe Mentalino: Briefcase ain't here, they must've taken it with them.

J.P. Shay: Well, he's gotta come home sometime.

Joe Mentalino: Maybe we should trash the place, send them a little message.

J.P. Shay: [looks around] I don't think he's gonna get that message Joe, I mean, the guy's got worms in his living room.

Joe Mentalino: Shut up! Now we don't even know who the hell they are! You don't kill people you don't know. That's a rule.

Joe Mentalino: Gas man. How the hell did they know that I got gas?

Joe Mentalino: Feeling better, girls?

Harry Dunne: Yes, much better! Thank you for asking!

Joe Mentalino: So why are you guys going to Aspen? Vacation?

Lloyd Christmas: [Lloyd and Harry just sabotaged his burger with atomic peppers and are snickering] Why don't you eat up, and we'll tell ya.

Joe Mentalino: It just doesn't seem like you packed match. All I saw was one bag and a briefcase.

Harry Dunne: Well, no, no. The briefcase isn't even ours. Some lady left it at that airport. We're just bring it back to her. How's your burger?

Joe Mentalino: You mean, you don't even know her? I mean talk about being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Anxious Man at Phone: [pacing outside of phone booth occupied by Mental] I had plans. I had things I wanted to do. This is where it all ends in a phone booth.

[bangs on the glass]

Anxious Man at Phone: Sir, did you ever hear of the concept of "other people"? Um, me, being that for the phone, sir...

[Mental ignores him]

Anxious Man at Phone: You turned your back on me, Ooh Ooh! He got me mad, I almost like it.

[starts to bang on glass again]

Anxious Man at Phone: [Bangs on glass with each sentence] The damage I can do to you. Because you were spiteful. I didn't wanna... That's not your problem. You didn't know... Get off the phone.

[Acts like he can't hear him and motions for him to step closer]

Anxious Man at Phone: Get off - the - pho...

Joe Mentalino: [Punches through the glass, knocking the man unconscious] I'm sorry, Mr. Andre, you were saying?

[Joe Mentalino is having an ulcer attack]

Lloyd Christmas: He's resisting me!

Harry Dunne: Here.

[puts some pills in Mentalino's mouth]

Harry Dunne: Here you go. Here you go. Here you go.

Lloyd Christmas: Pills! Pills are good! Pills are good!

Harry Dunne: Drink 'em down. There you go. There you go, big guy. You want some ketchup and mustard? That helped us.

[Mentalino sees the rat poison bottle]

Joe Mentalino: Son of a bitch!

[stomach gurgles and he dies]

Lloyd Christmas: Check, please.

Nicholas Andre: [Over the phone] Don't forget that your bread plate is on the left! Look, I can't have these guys running around Aspen!

Joe Mentalino: Don't worry. They ain't gonna be running around nowhere after I dump a little rat poison in their Shirley Temple.