Joe Hallenbeck Quotes in The Last Boy Scout (1991)

Alley Thug: All right, you want it in the chest, or the head?

Joe Hallenbeck: Yeah, that's what your wife said.

Alley Thug: Hey, would you stop with the wife shit?

Joe Hallenbeck: Ask me how fat she is.

Alley Thug: Fuck you, man! How fat is she?

Joe Hallenbeck: She's so fat I had to roll her in flour and look for the wet spot. Motherfucker, if you wanna fuck her you gotta slap her thigh and ride the wave in. Now I'm not saying she's fat, her high school picture was an aerial photograph.

[Joe has just found out that Mike was sleeping with his wife]

Mike Mathews: It just happened, Joe. It...

Joe Hallenbeck: Sure, sure, I know... it just happened. Coulda happened to anybody. It was an accident, right? You tripped, slipped on the floor and accidentally stuck your dick in my wife. "Whoops! I'm so sorry, Mrs. H. I guess this just isn't my week."

Joe Hallenbeck: The sky is blue, water is wet, women have secrets. Who gives a fuck?

[Joe Hallenbeck wakes up in his car and stares at his grubby reflection in the mirror]

Joe Hallenbeck: Nobody likes you. Everybody hates you. You're gonna lose. Smile, you fuck.

Milo: You think you're so fuckin' cool, don't you? You think you're so fuckin' cool. Well just once, I would like to hear you scream, in pain.

Joe Hallenbeck: Play some rap music.

Alley Thug: Wrong place, wrong time. Nothing personal.

Joe Hallenbeck: That's what you think. Last night I fucked your wife.

Alley Thug: Oh you did, hah? How'd you know it was my wife?

Joe Hallenbeck: She said her husband was a big pimp lookin' motherfucker with a hat.

Alley Thug: Oh, you're real cool for somebody who's about to take a bullet.

Joe Hallenbeck: After fucking your wife I'll take two.

Scrabble Man: Drop the gun, Hallenbeck.

[takes Joe's gun and tosses it]

Scrabble Man: Bit late for a stroll, don't you think?

Joe Hallenbeck: Yeah, you girls oughta be gettin' home.

Jimmy Dix: Yeah, streetlights are on.

Jake: Shut up, fuckface.

Joe Hallenbeck: I'm fuckface, he's asshole.

[Jimmy smiles sarcastically, in agreement]

Scrabble Man: Jake?

[Jake punches Joe in the face]

Scrabble Man: Apprise Rodney Dangerfield here of his situation. Perhaps we can dispense with the fun and games now, yes?

Joe Hallenbeck: You want the envelope, right?

Scrabble Man: The envelope, very smart. See, Jake, here's a man who knows when a situation is untenable.

Joe Hallenbeck: Good word.

Scrabble Man: You like that word? And you do have that envelope, don't you?

Joe Hallenbeck: Better give up, Jimmy. We're dealin' with a couple of geniuses here.

[Jake punches Joe in the face again]

Jimmy Dix: Alright man, just leave him the fuck alone!

[Jake kicks Jimmy in the groin]

Scrabble Man: Leave him alone? Sure, whatever you say. Jake attacks his job with a certain exuberance.

Jimmy Dix: Shit, we're bein' beat up by the inventor of Scrabble.

Scrabble Man: He's still in a good mood, Jake. Kick him again.

Joe Hallenbeck: All right! You want the envelope the hooker had, right?

Jimmy Dix: She wasn't a hooker, Joe.

Joe Hallenbeck: Shut the fuck up.

Jimmy Dix: You don't like women much do ya Joe.

Joe Hallenbeck: [about his wife] At least I liked the guy she was fuckin'. He was my best friend.

Jimmy Dix: Nah man, he was a scumbag private detective.

Joe Hallenbeck: All private detectives are scumbags.

Jimmy Dix: Yeah, but that scumbag tried to get you killed.

Joe Hallenbeck: Yeah well, friends can't be perfect. I wish that water wasn't wet, I wish the sky wasn't blue and I wish that I didn't still love my wife. Ahh, life sucks!

[reaches for a glass of wine]

Jimmy Dix: Man, you couldn't protect a cup of warm piss.

[throws ice at Joe]

Joe Hallenbeck: Why don't you just go ahead and hit me?

Jimmy Dix: Excuse me?

Joe Hallenbeck: Come on, chicken shit. Bust me in the chops. You don't think an old guy like me could hurt ya, do ya Jimmy?

Jimmy Dix: So now you know my name?

Joe Hallenbeck: James Alexander Dix. Quarterback for the L.A. Stallions, '89-'90. Banned from the league on gambling charges, allegations of drug abuse. Another tragic tale of wasted youth.

Jimmy Dix: [stands up from his chair] Now you're starting to piss me off.

Joe Hallenbeck: It's about fuckin' time. I'm Joe Hallenbeck.

Joe Hallenbeck: [Joe reaches out his hand, Jimmy slaps it] I'm a private detective.

Jimmy Dix: You're like a fuckin' lowlife to me.

Joe Hallenbeck: At least I didn't shit my talent away on coke.

[Jimmy tries to punch Joe, who subsequently blocks his punch and pushes him on the ground]

Joe Hallenbeck: [noticing his spilled whiskey] I spilled my warm cup of piss.

Joe Hallenbeck: This is the '90s. You can't just walk up and slap a guy, you have to say something cool first.

Jimmy Dix: What, you don't believe in love?

Joe Hallenbeck: Yeah, I believe in love; I also believe in cancer.

Jimmy Dix: What, they're both diseases?

Joe Hallenbeck: Yeah, something like that.

Joe Hallenbeck: [Joe just found out that Mathews was having an affair with his wife] Head or gut, Mike?

Mike Mathews: Joe, how long have we been friends?

Joe Hallenbeck: I'd say roughly until you started banging my wife. Head or gut?

Mike Mathews: [sighs] Gut.

Joe Hallenbeck: [punches Mike in the gut] Got that address for me?

Mike Mathews: [out of breath] Huh?

Joe Hallenbeck: The surveillance job.

Mike Mathews: [still out of breath] You still want the job?

Joe Hallenbeck: 500 bucks is 500 bucks, Mike.

Mike Mathews: [gives Joe a picture of Cory] Yeah, I guess you're right.

Joe Hallenbeck: [looking at the picture] Cory, huh? You throw a shot into her too?

[Mike leaves]

Joe Hallenbeck: [to his neighbor's dog who keeps coming into his yard] Get the fuck out of here, go shit in your own yard.

Sarah Hallenbeck: [arguing; justifying her infidelity] You were never around. You know what? Fuck you, Joe. I was lonely!

Joe Hallenbeck: Buy a dog.

Milo: Can we do a formal introduction here?

Joe Hallenbeck: Who gives a fuck? You're the bad guy, right?

Milo: I am the bad guy.

Joe Hallenbeck: And I'm supposed to be trembling with fear, something like that?

Milo: Something like that.

Joe Hallenbeck: Fine. I'll start trembling in a minute.

Joe Hallenbeck: Where are you goin'?

Jimmy Dix: To the bathroom, okay. You wanna come? The doc said I shouldn't lift anything heavy.

Joe Hallenbeck: No, I'll pass.

Joe Hallenbeck: [Joe doesn't like the music being played at the strip club where Cory works] This the only kind of music they play in this joint?

Cory: Mm-hm.

Joe Hallenbeck: I hate this funk shit. I'll have to charge you extra.

Cory: What did you expect?

Joe Hallenbeck: The Four Freshmen. Pat Boone.

Cory: What are you, my father?

Joe Hallenbeck: Yeah, I'm your father. Go put some clothes on.

Cory: You're hilarious.

[Gets up to leave]

Cory: Go stick your head in that speaker. You'll be screaming, "Play that funky music, white boy!"

Joe Hallenbeck: The screaming part, I believe.

[Joe gets to his office, after waking up next to a dead squirrel a bunch of kids threw in his car]

Mike Matthews: What'd you do last night?

Joe Hallenbeck: I think I fucked a squirrel to death, and don't remember.

[to Milo]

Joe Hallenbeck: I told you, if you ever touch me again, I'll kill you.

Joe Hallenbeck: Can I have a cigarette?

Chet: A cigarette? Yeah sure.

[gives him one]

Joe Hallenbeck: Got a light?

Chet: Yeah, got a light.

[pretends to give him a light and punches him instead]

Chet: Hey baby I thought you were tough. See Pablo, he's no sweat!

Joe Hallenbeck: I seem to have dropped my cigarette. May I have another?

Chet: [hesitates] Sure, sure thing buddy.

[gives him another cigarette]

Joe Hallenbeck: I'm gonna need a light. You touch me again, I'll kill ya.

Joe Hallenbeck: Oh, if it isn't Shelly Marcone himself.

Sheldon 'Shelly' Marcone: Careful, son. Just my friends call me Shelly.

Joe Hallenbeck: You got friends? When did this happen?

Joe Hallenbeck: Leather pants.

Jimmy Dix: Yeah.

Joe Hallenbeck: What's something like that run?

Jimmy Dix: Six-fifty.

Joe Hallenbeck: Six hundred and fifty dollars?

Jimmy Dix: Yeah.

Joe Hallenbeck: They're pants.

Jimmy Dix: Yeah.

Joe Hallenbeck: You wear them?

Jimmy Dix: YES.

Joe Hallenbeck: They don't, like, have a TV in them or something?

Jimmy Dix: Nope.

Joe Hallenbeck: I am very old.

[Joe is talking to a puppet on his hand]

Joe Hallenbeck: [speaking as puppet] Why did Mr. Milo cross the road?

Joe Hallenbeck: I don't know. Why?

Joe Hallenbeck: [speaking as puppet] Because his dick was stuck in a chicken!

Jimmy Dix: Hey, man. You ever play ball? You've got a good build.

Joe Hallenbeck: What are you, a fag?

Jimmy Dix: No, I'm just trying to break the ice.

Joe Hallenbeck: I like ice. Leave it the fuck alone.

Jimmy Dix: Oh, you're a lot of fun to be with.

[Joe and Jimmy are trying to tell the bodyguards in a car about a bomb]

Joe Hallenbeck: Now what are you doing?

Jimmy Dix: I'm drawing them a picture.

Joe Hallenbeck: What is that?

Jimmy Dix: It's a bomb.

Joe Hallenbeck: It doesn't look like a bomb, it looks like an apple with lines comin' out of it. They're gonna say "Don't open the briefcase, it's full of fresh fruit!"

Jimmy Dix: You wanna draw the damn thing?

[Jimmy shows Joe the drawing of a bomb with "BOM" written below]

Jimmy Dix: Happy?

Joe Hallenbeck: Are you kidding me?

Jimmy Dix: [shows the drawing to the bodyguards] Always criticizing my shit. I can't do nothin' right.

[the bodyguards shoot at them]

Jimmy Dix: Oh, shit!

Joe Hallenbeck: I forgot to tell you. "Bom" means "fuck you" in Polish.

Jimmy Dix: Hey, that's not funny, man. I almost bought it there!

Joe Hallenbeck: Tragic loss to the art world, let me tell ya.

Joe Hallenbeck: I swear to Christ, Junior, if I survive this fuckin' case I'm gonna dance a jig.

Jimmy Dix: What?

Joe Hallenbeck: I'm gonna dance a jig, I swear to Christ.

Joe Hallenbeck: The sky is blue, water is wet, women have secrets.

Jimmy Dix: Feel like I've been rode hard and put away wet.

Joe Hallenbeck: What the hell does that mean?

Jimmy Dix: It's horse talk, man.

Joe Hallenbeck: They got the brothers ridin' horses now, huh?

Jimmy Dix: Yeah, cars're gettin' too hard to steal.

Joe Hallenbeck: You ever wear, like, a little cowboy hat?

Jimmy Dix: [laughs] I'm really good, man. Maybe I could take your daughter out. What's she like?

Joe Hallenbeck: She's like thirteen years old, and if you even look at her funny, I'm gonna stick an umbrella up your ass and open it.

Jimmy Dix: You're a real bastard, ya know that, Joe?

Joe Hallenbeck: And then some.

Joe Hallenbeck: So... you don't think the cops can help you?

Cory: Sure. After I'm dead, they'll perform the autopsy.

Joe Hallenbeck: [giving Jimmy a briefcase full of $6 million] Go buy yourself a new pair of pants.

Jimmy Dix: Hi, you're nobody.

Joe Hallenbeck: Shhh, don't tell anyone.

Jimmy Dix: It ain't right.

Joe Hallenbeck: No, it ain't right.

[sighs]

Joe Hallenbeck: This ain't no game, flash. Real guns, real bullets. It's dangerous.

Jimmy Dix: Danger's my middle name.

Joe Hallenbeck: Mine's Cornelius. You tell anybody, I'll kill you.

Jimmy Dix: You ever watch "Soul Train"?

Joe Hallenbeck: Shut the fuck up.

Lieutenant Benjamin Bessalo: There's a new invention out. It's called the razor.

Joe Hallenbeck: Too risky, I might start thinkin' about you and slash my wrists.

Jimmy Dix: She gets evidence to use against 'em, right?

Joe Hallenbeck: That's right.

Jimmy Dix: So now we have the evidence.

Joe Hallenbeck: What we got, Junior, is Marcone and Baynard by the nuts and that is why I love America.

Joe Hallenbeck: Hey flash, rescue attempt?

Jimmy Dix: Blow me.

Milo: You must be James.

Jimmy Dix: [sarcastically] James?

Joe Hallenbeck: He does that with everybody. He calls me Joseph.

Milo: I trust you're alone.

Jimmy Dix: No, I got the fuckin' Vienna Boys Choir with me. What, is everybody stupid around here?

[thug slams his head into car bonnet]

Joe Hallenbeck: Just you, kid.

Joe Hallenbeck: Hey, you got a car here? Hey! You got a car?

Pool Owner: Yeah.

Joe Hallenbeck: Give me the keys.

Pool Owner: No way.

Joe Hallenbeck: [Holds his gun to Darian's head] Give me the keys or I shoot the kid.

Joe Hallenbeck: [Joe is convinced Sarah is hiding another man in their bedroom closet] That door stays shut. What I'm going to do is count to three. Then I'm going to put a bullet in that door.

Sarah Hallenbeck: Jesus.

Joe Hallenbeck: You can stop me any time by telling the truth.

[Cocks gun]

Joe Hallenbeck: One...

Sarah Hallenbeck: Call your shrink, Joe! Call him and tell him that you're fucking losing it!

Joe Hallenbeck: The truth is a beautiful thing.

Mike Mathews: [Mike is trying to offer Joe a case] So listen, I'm booked. You got plans?

Joe Hallenbeck: I'm thinking about smoking some cigarettes.

Mike Mathews: Could you postpone?

Joe Hallenbeck: These are pretty good cigarettes.

Milo: Hey, motherfucker.

Joe Hallenbeck: Hey, Milo. Where ya callin' from, the bottom of the pool?

Jimmy Dix: It's called a vocabulary. You got one of those?

Joe Hallenbeck: Sorry, my subscription to JUGGS magazine ran out.

[last lines]

Joe Hallenbeck: Be prepared, son. That's my motto. Be prepared.

Jimmy Dix: Hey, ugly! Looks like our evidence got blown up. I think we might have to get some more.

Joe Hallenbeck: Just won't let go, huh? You're like a dog with a frisbee.

[Joe and Jimmy arrive at the stadium and see Marcone's car]

Jimmy Dix: Hey, that's Marcone's car.

Joe Hallenbeck: Come on!

Jimmy Dix: [pulls out his keys and scratches the car] I've always wanted to do that.

Joe Hallenbeck: You should've shit on it.

Sheldon 'Shelly' Marcone: Joe, have you ever heard of the Senate's Commission to Investigate Gambling in Professional Sports?

Joe Hallenbeck: Is that who you're payin' off?

Sheldon 'Shelly' Marcone: The commission's gonna vote next March. I got every one of 'em in my hip pocket, except Senator Calvin Baynard. I tried to bribe that son of a bitch, Joe. He gave it back because it wasn't enough.

Joe Hallenbeck: [chuckles] What's he want?

Sheldon 'Shelly' Marcone: Six million. Or he'll go straight to the police. You know, I think it's just gonna be cheaper to kill that son of a bitch.

Joe Hallenbeck: Takin' off a U.S. Senator, that's pretty ballsy, even for an asshole like you.

Sheldon 'Shelly' Marcone: You said it, Joe-boy. That's why we're gonna frame you for the senator's murder.

Sheldon 'Shelly' Marcone: Give him the key or I'll have you kneecapped.

Jimmy Dix: Whoops.

[Jimmy throws a "Shredder" shotgun shell into the fireplace]

Jimmy Dix: Look like nobody gets the money. That's one of those new plastic keys.

Sheldon 'Shelly' Marcone: Get the god damn key!

Jimmy Dix: [to Joe] The kind that shred.

Joe Hallenbeck: Darian, get down!

Sheldon 'Shelly' Marcone: Football is a dyin' beast, Joe. No heroes left. Not anymore. Since ol' Sonny Werblin paid four hundred thousand dollars to Joe Namath in '66, the son of a bitches have just gotten greedier. God Almighty, when's it enough? Jesus, free agents. "Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme." Now you got guys on PCP wiggin' out and shootin' themselves on the field. The American public is piss-pot tired of it, and they're changing the channel.

Joe Hallenbeck: Ratings are down. So you're gonna bribe some senators to legalize gambling.

Sheldon 'Shelly' Marcone: Legalize sports gambling. You see, with all the heroes gone, legalized gambling is about the only thing that'll save the beast. You follow me, Joe? We're talking about some big bucks here. We're talking about billions. That's nine zeroes, son.

Joe Hallenbeck: I'm not your fuckin' son.

Joe Hallenbeck: Since it's the '90s, you don't just smack a guy in the face. You say something cool first.

Jimmy Dix: Like, "I'll be back."

Joe Hallenbeck: Only better than that. Hit him with a surfboard...

Jimmy Dix: "Surf's up!"

Joe Hallenbeck: Something like that.

Joe Hallenbeck: That briefcase was loaded with explosives, wasn't it?

Milo: Ten pounds of C-4 is on the way to the Coliseum right now. It's ironic, don't you think? That this bomb's gonna be delivered to Baynard by his own personal bodyguards? After his death, the police will receive a photograph of you, Joseph, handing over the briefcase, and blame you for the crime. And they'll believe it, too, because they know what a fan of Baynard's you are.

Joe Hallenbeck: Go fuck yourself.

Milo: Okay, now that's not polite.

[Opens a switchblade and holds it in Joe's face]

Milo: It's very abusive-sounding. What would you do, Joseph, if somebody told you to go fuck yourself? Would you cut one of their eyes out?

Joe Hallenbeck: No.

Milo: No? What would you do?