Joe Gavilan Quotes in Hollywood Homicide (2003)


Joe Gavilan Quotes:

  • [Opens up Gavilan's burger bag only to find that his cheeseburger has lettuce and mayonnaise, and the meat wasn't done enough]

    Joe Gavilan: Hey, you. Come here. I see mayonnaise. Did anybody in this hear me say the word "Mayonnaise"? Read your notes. What does it say? "Cheeseburger, well done. Raw onion, ketchup, pickle". You call that well done? In addition to the mayonnaise, I see lettuce... Lettuce that somebody tried to scrape off here. This is a disaster. What the hell do they teach you at the Academy anyway? You wanna be a detective when you grow up?

    Cheeseburger Cop: Yes, sir.

    Joe Gavilan: Don't call me "sir!" I work for a living. Dump this for me please. I expect better.

  • Joe Gavilan: Don't call me sir. I work for a living.

  • Joe Gavilan: Fuck you very much!

  • Hank the Bartender: [Hands them their drinks] The doctor's in. Help is on its way.

    K.C.: Thanks, Hank. Something wrong, Joe?

    Joe Gavilan: What do ya mean, "Something Wrong?"

    K.C.: You seem down.

    Joe Gavilan: Down? Me?

    K.C.: Lately.

    Joe Gavilan: We've been partners for what, four months, and now you wanna be my shrink?

    K.C.: Sometimes it helps to talk. That's all I'm saying.

    Joe Gavilan: All right. Let me paint you a picture. Portrait of Joe Gavilan. Seven, eight years ago, I sold off the results of my entrepreneurial efforts up to that point: Three tanning salons and two original silk-tip nail parlors in the Antelope Valley, and I started attending weekend Real Estate seminars at the Airport Hyatt. You know, "How to Make $1 Million in Real Estate with Very Little Money Down."

    K.C.: Sounds good.

    Joe Gavilan: Started out with a condo in Sherman Oaks. Slapped some paint on the walls. Refaced the kitchen cabinets. Traded up to a smoke-damaged ranch in Tarzana, then a Spanish on Outpost, and a fake Mediterranean in Los Feliz. Pretty soon, I had everything I've got tied up in this... this monstrosity... on Mt. Olympus, at the corner of Hercules and, I shit you not, Achilles.

    K.C.: So what's the problem?

    Joe Gavilan: The problem is if I don't score a big commission or get rid of this... piece of shit on Mt. Olympus... well, the word *Titanic* comes to mind.

  • [last lines]

    Joe Gavilan: Looks like we're gonna be here for a while. Let's get going on some chow.

    Joe Gavilan: [to Cop] Cheeseburger, well done. Onion, pickle, NO mayo... no rabbit food. O.K.?

    K.C.: I'll have the same.

  • K.C.: How did you find me?

    Joe Gavilan: I'm psychic.

    K.C.: [amazed] Really?

    Joe Gavilan: No, not really. I'm a detective for Pete's sake.

  • K.C.: I don't think I want to be a cop anymore.

    Joe Gavilan: Then what do you want to be?

    K.C.: I want to be an actor.

    Joe Gavilan: [shrugs] You're gay. I can deal with that.

  • K.C.: I know you're gonna say it's none of my business, but when's the last time you got laid?

    Joe Gavilan: None of your business.

  • Joe Gavilan: If I take my gingko... I can still remember where I put the Viagra.

  • Joe Gavilan: You dog, you.

  • K.C.: Well, what do you think?

    Joe Gavilan: Write this down.

    [K.C. grabs his pad and pen]

    Joe Gavilan: Cheeseburger, well done. Raw onion, pickle, ketchup. Nothing else.

    K.C.: Got it. Officer, it's time to get rolling on some chow. This is what the big dog wants, and I want tomato and cucumber on whole wheat with only mustard and bean sprouts.

  • [On the phone with a buyer changing his mind about buying a house on Mt. Olympus]

    Joe Gavilan: What do you mean you ain't coming? I give you first shot at makin' me an offer on this beautiful four-bedroom Mount Olympus, and you leave me sitting here for two hours and now you tell me you ain't - Hello?

    [Hangs up his cell phone]

    Joe Gavilan: Shit.

  • Joe Gavilan: Yes, Yes, I do understand the rights you just explained to me. But you know what? I don't like to remain silent, and I do not need an attorney because this is all BULLSHIT!

    [looks out two-way mirror]


  • Joe Gavilan: I got more time in the third-floor crapper than you do on the job, pal. You can't open my locker without a search warrant. I know my rights.

    Lt. Bennie Macko: Well, I appreciate a man who knows his rights.

    [Hands Joe the search warrant]

    Lt. Bennie Macko: There you go.

  • [Joe and K.C. leave the L.A.P.D. Parker Center Station]

    Joe Gavilan: What the hell is going on? Did you say anything in there?

    K.C.: Of course not. You?

    Joe Gavilan: My phone wouldn't stop ringing.

    Leon: Joe! K.C.!

    Joe Gavilan: This is insane. Can you figure this out?

    Leon: [angry] No... but I played my last card buying you a couple of hours, so YOU can figure it out!

  • [Joe crashes K.C.'s Ford Mustang into Sartian's Cadillac Escalade, causing a huge collision at the corner of Hollywood Blvd. and Orange Drive]

    K.C.: [breahless] Nice driving.

    Joe Gavilan: Sorry.

  • Joe Gavilan: This is a set up

    [he walks towards the interrogation room mirror]

    Joe Gavilan: and it will not hold up.

    I.A. Detective Jackson: [talking to K.C] And I'm sure Joe Gavilan is next door right now maintaining complete professional integrity.

    Joe Gavilan: [banging against the mirror] And You Know It!

  • Joe Gavilan: Goddammit! Idiot! That's it! That's it! I'm driving! That's it!

    K.C.: All right, all right fine! You think you can do better? Go ahead, be my guest!

    Joe Gavilan: Dammnit! Trying to kill us!

    K.C.: All right, go!

    Joe Gavilan: Idiot!

    K.C.: Go ahead!

  • Antoine Sartain: It's just a game, nothing but a game.

    Joe Gavilan: Well we've got four mama's boys down at the morgue. It wasn't a game last night.

  • [inside Lt. Macko's office]

    Joe Gavilan: Commingling funds, huh? That's my crime? Commingling? Guilty. My alimony number one comes from money commingled with my beer money. My refinanced car commingled with the short-term loan to keep the second mortgage paid off, commingled with my alimony number three, commingled with every goddamn dime I've got tied up in my Mt. Olympus property. My whole life's commingled.

    Lt. Bennie Macko: We'll, I glad you brought up the property on Mt. Olympus. You're attemping to sell it without disclosing you also own it.

    Joe Gavilan: This isn't about real estate, is it, Bennie?

Browse more character quotes from Hollywood Homicide (2003)