Joe Quotes in Looper (2012)

Joe: Then I saw it. I saw a mom who would die for her son. A man who would kill for his wife. A boy, angry and alone. Laid out in front of him, the bad path. I saw it. And the path was a circle. Round and round. So I changed it.

Abe: [Joe has been teaching himself French] Why the fuck French?

Joe: I'm going to France.

Abe: You should go to China.

Joe: I'm going to France.

Abe: I'm from the future. You should go to China.

[first lines]

Joe: Time travel has not yet been invented. But thirty years from now, it will have been. It will be instantly outlawed, used only in secret by the largest criminal organizations. It's nearly impossible to dispose of a body in the future... I'm told. Tagging techniques, whatnot. So when these criminal organizations in the future need someone gone, they use specialized assassins in our present called "loopers." And so, my employers in the future nab the target, they zap him back to me, their looper. He appears, hands tied and head sacked, and I do the necessaries. Collect my silver. So the target is vanished from the future, and I've just disposed of a body that technically does not exist. Clean.

Joe: There's a reason we're called loopers. When we sign up for this job, taking out the future's garbage, we also agree to a very specific proviso. Time travel in the future is so illegal, that when our employers want to close our contracts, they'll also want to erase any trace of their relationship with us ever existing. So if we're still alive 30 years from now, they'll find our older self, zap him back to us, and we'll kill him like any other job. This is called closing your loop. Eh, you get a golden payday, you get a handshake, and you get released from your contract. Enjoy the next 30 years. This job doesn't tend to attract the most forward-thinking people.

Sara: This is a Remington 870. One blast could cut you the fuck in half.

Joe: In half. Yeah, that's telling. You're holding a gun, I say I'm not afraid, so you describe the gun to me. It's not the gun I'm not afraid of.

Older Joe: This is a piece of indentifying information on the Rainmaker. He's here. He lives here now. In this county. And I'm gonna use this to find him. And I'm gonna kill him. I'm gonna stop him from killing my wife.

Joe: Fuck you. And your wife. None of this concerns me.

Older Joe: This is gonna happen...

Joe: It happened to you. It doesn't have to happen to me. You got a picture right there in my watch? Let me see. Show me the picture. As soon as I see her, I walk away. I'll fucking marry someone else. Promise. So when I see that picture, that fog inside your brain should just swallow up all the memories, right? She'll be gone. If you give her up, she'll be safe.

Older Joe: Give her up?

Joe: Yeah, give her up. You're the one who got her killed. She never meets you, she's safe.

Older Joe: You don't understand. We don't have to give her up. I'm not gonna give her up. I'm gonna save her.

Older Joe: How's your French coming?

Joe: Good. You gonna tell me I ought to be learning Mandarin?

Older Joe: I never regretted learning French.

[in French]

Older Joe: I know you have a gun between your legs.

[in English]

Older Joe: No? Well, you'll get it eventually. Obviously.

Joe: All right, listen. This is a hard situation for you, but we both know how this has to go down. I can't let you walk away from this diner alive. This is my life now. I earned it. You had yours already. So why don't you do what old man do and die? Get the fuck out of my way.

Older Joe: Why don't you just take out your little gun from between your legs and do it? Boy.

Joe: [to Old Joe] Your face looks backwards.

Older Joe: My memory's cloudy. It's a cloud. Because my memories aren't really memories. They're just one possible eventuality now. And they grow clearer or cloudier as they become more are less likely. But then they get to the present moment, and they're instantly clear again. I can remember what you do after you do it. And it hurts.

Joe: So even when we're apart, you can remember what I do after?

Older Joe: Yes, but this is a precise description of a fuzzy mechanism. It's messy.

Abe: My great-grandfather told my grandfather, "Men are like spiders. It's the little ones you've got to be careful of."

Joe: Don't know I agree with that.

Abe: Yeah? Huh. What the fuck did my great-grandfather know?

Older Joe: You know, there's another girl who works here on the weekends.

Joe: Jen?

Older Joe: Right. Less letters.

Joe: That'd be better.

[from trailer]

Joe: Loopers are well paid, they lead a good life...

[from trailer]

Older Joe: I'm going to stop this guy.

Joe: None of this concerns me...

Older Joe: It is going to happen to you!

Joe: It's going to happen to YOU, it's not going to happen to ME!

Joe: Time travel hasn't been invented yet, but in thirty years, it will have been. It's gonna be used by these big criminal syndicates...

Sara: You're a looper?

[from trailer]

Joe: I work as a specialized assassin, in an outfit called the Loopers. When my organization from the future wants someone to die, they zap them back to me and I eliminate the target from the future. The only rule is: never let your target escape... even if your target is you.

Joe: Kid, cut it out. Don't blow your other foot off.

[from trailer]

Joe: [to his clients] I'm gonna fix this! I'm gonna find him, and I'm gonna kill him!

Joe: [watching the news] Mom. Is that dad?

Dr. William Block: You gotta lose the arm, Joe.

Joe: Lose the arm? What do you mean, "lose the arm?" My arm?

Joe: So what's the seminar your dad's goin' to?

Alan: "How to Make a Success of Your Small Buisness." My suggestion was torch the place.

Joe: Not a good idea. Arson forensics nowadays is very sophisticated.

Chris: Let's get one thing straight, actor. I don't trust you. And if you betray us, I'll rip your fucking balls off and stuff them up your ass so that the next time you shit, you'll shit all over your balls, got it?

Gary Johnston: What's your problem with me?

Chris: Yeah, you wanna go?

Joe: Guys, guys, guys! Don't you see this is just what the terrorists want us to do? The war is out there, man! Out there! Now, pull it together!

Spottswoode: Now hold on team, Gary has already proven to me that he is 100% committed to the team. He proved it last night by sucking my cock.

Joe: Uh... All right then. Let's move.

Joe: Your plan will fail! You'll never keep the world leaders distracted here for 9 hours!

Kim Jong Il: Oh no? I've got Arec Barrwin!

Joe: Dear God!

Spottswoode: From what I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.N.C.E has gathered, it would be 9/11 times 100.

Gary Johnston: 9/11 times a hundred? Jesus, that's...

Spottswoode: Yes, 91,100.

Joe: Basically, all the worst parts of the bible.

Joe: Shit! I've got five terrorists going southeast on Bakalakadaka Street!

Carson: The terrorist is getting away with the WMD.

Joe: I got him

[fires a rocket at the terrorist, it misses and hits the Eiffel Tower causing it to collapse into the 'Arc de Triomphe']

Joe: Damn, I missed him!

Joe: Cairo... that's in Egypt.

Joe: One of the terrorists is trying to tell us something.

[looks through binoculars]

Gary Johnston: [waving the distress signal towards Joe and Chris] It's me! It's me!

Joe: Looks like he's saying, "Kiss me! Kiss me!"

Chris: Smart-ass motherfucker!

[fires missile at terrorist jeep]

Joe: You remember the signal?

Gary Johnston: [waves arms like crazy]

Chris: Have you ever thought about just telling Sarah how you feel?

Joe: Oh, what would a girl like Sarah want with a simple Nebraska boy like me? I don't know nothin' about fancy cars and fancy restaurants. Still, I would love to show her a moonlit night out by the hay stacks.

Gary Johnston: I had to come back. C'mon team, let's go!

Joe: Wait a second, can we really trust you?

Chris: Yeah, why the fuck should we trust you, you douchebag?

Joe: What do you think happened here?

Hendershot: Fucked if I know, Bubba. Fucked if I know.

Joe: You know Myra, some people might think you're cute. But me, I think you're one very large baked potato.

[At the race's first pit stop, Machine Gun Joe, Calamity Jane & Matilda the Hun and their navigators are getting a rubdown treatment]

Special agent: [Addresses the racers and navigators] One thing before we begin: The government would like it if no one said anything about Nero, understand? He hit a tree and that's it. Got it? We don't wanna depress anybody...

Joe: [cuts in] Hey, hey! Everybody knows he's been blown up by the Resistance, you shmuck. It was on television.

Special agent: If you wanna drive again next year, Mr. Viterbo, you'll keep those opinions to yourself.

Shinyuki: These symbols will give your mind ultimate purpose. Gin, Retsu, Zai, Zen.

Joe: Kobudera!

Shinyuki: The Kobudera. Ninja magic. Ninjitsu-to, the ability to seem invisible to cause fear and paralisis in your enemies.

Shinyuki: You are ready, my son. I will be with you indeed and in my heart. Follow the Bushido.

Joe: I will honor the code, father.

Shinyuki: The Black Star Ninja has betrayed the code.

Joe: Then... he must die.

Jackson: Listen to what I'm saying. With your skills, we could make some easy money.

Joe: Jackson, I don't want to fight, I hate crowds, and I don't need money.

Ortega: American! You have thirty seconds to surrender or I kill your girlfriend!

Patricia: Joe, don't do it!

Ortega: [slapping her] Twenty seconds! Maybe you don't like her as much as she thinks you do! Five! Four!

Joe: [Throws down his weapons] Now let her go!

Ortega: Letting her go wasn't part of the deal!

Joe: Don't push it.

Jackson: Good. Very good. I touched somethin'.

Jackson: You don't need money. Hey, what'cha need? Glad to see you're still human. She's cute, isn't she?

Joe: Who?

Jackson: Whooo? Hey look, you may have kicked my ass. But you did not make me blind.

Joe: Jackson, she's the colonel's daughter.

Jackson: I know, but nobody's perfect. But she is cute, isn't she? Isn't she? Huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're jiggling. You're jiggling. I knew I've touched something again. Ha ha ha, yeah.

Cooper: Go on then Bruce, what scares you?

Bruce: The self-destructive nature of the human condition.

Spoon: You're just taking the piss now.

Cooper: What about you, Spoon?

Spoon: Castration.

Cooper: There's no argument there. Joe?

Joe: Only one thing guaranteed to put the shits up me: a penalty shoot-out.

Cooper: Figures. Terry?

Terry: Watching a penalty shoot-out... with Joe.

Bruce: What about you, Coop?

Cooper: Spiders. And women. And... spider-women.

Spoon: Know what this reminds me of? Rourke's Drift. 100 men of Harlech, making a desperate stand against 10,000 Zulu warriors. Outnumbered, surrounded, staring death in the face and not flinching for a moment. Balls of British steel.

Joe: You're bloody loving this, aren't you?

[Sam the dog barks and everyone jumps to their feet]

Joe: Brilliant... we either stay and snuff it, or we all go... and snuff it.

Ryan: Decisions. Decisions.

Joe: Laugh? I nearly died.

Ryan: Who's stopping you?

Spoon: So this bloke walks into a pub right, with a little dog under his arm. Puts it down on the bar, goes and sits down. The bar-tender's lookin' at him thinking "what the fuckin' hell's goin' on here?". Then he looks back at the dog, and to his surprise the dog turns around and...

[Dead cow drops into camp]

Cooper: Fuckin' cow.

Spoon: Fuckin' hell.

[Terry fires at it]

Wells: Cease fire, Terry. Cease fire.

Joe: Terry, what the hell are you doin'? You're firing blanks man.

Wells: Is everyone all right? Is everyone OK?

Spoon: Nah, man, I think I've shit meself.

Joe: This is bone. This is so fucking bone.

Cooper: Anything else?

Megan: Yeah. What does 'bone' mean?

Spoon: Bone; Bollocks, naff.

Joe: Not. Very. Good.

Megan: Right. Anything else I should know?

Cooper: Call signs. You need to be specific. Upstairs you've got Sergeant Wells who you seem to know inside and out by now. Over there you've got Spoon, the vomiting cavalier is Terry, and the big guy with the axe is Joe.

[Joe watching the cow roasting on the fire]

Joe: Is anyone else thinking what I'm thinking?

Bruce: You are joking aren't you?

Spoon: You fuckin' animal.

Joe: Yea, you're all thinking the same thing aren't you?

Spoon: Mmmm.

Joe: Right lads, how do ya like your steak done?

Wells: You bunch of dirty bloody savages. You lot make me sick. God.

Sergeant Wells: You know the little things that make your skin crawl, and the hair stand up on the back of your neck?

Joe: You mean like Spoon?

Wells: All right, then, time sync. I got zero-seven-thirty coming up in three... two... one... check.

Spoon: Oh, bollocks, I don't believe this.

Wells: What is it now, Witherspoon?

Spoon: Left me watch at the barracks, Sarge.

Wells: Take a breather every once in a while, son, you'll live longer.

Terry: Nice work, Spoon, you tosser.

Joe: Took the words right out of my mouth.

Spoon: And you'll be taking my boot out your mouth in a minute, Joe, you baldy twat.

Sergeant Harry Wells: Probably some joker who didn't want Joe to hear the footy results.

Joe: Laugh? I nearly shat.

Joe: Over here Cooper. On me head.

[Cooper kicks Joe's helmet to him and whacks his head]

Joe: Ya twater. Can't believe I'm missin' the footy for this... party.

Wells: Joe, if you don't shut up I swear to God I'm gonna fuckin' slot you myself, now move.

Joe: Didn't say a word, Sarge.

Joe: You're serious about this werewolf thing aren't ya?

Megan: I'm afraid so.

Joe: Shit. Don't suppose you know who won the match?

Megan: I didn't know there was a game on.

Joe: [Sternly] It's not a game.

[Upon landing in the chopper]

Wells: I want a good, clean dispersal. I want a secure landing-zone. Go go go go go. Joe, get outta the pissin' chopper.

Joe: I'm not missing the footy for this. It's totally bone. I'm not goin', Sarge. I'm not goin'.

Bruce: Look, I'll tell you what. Get on the radio, bring the Special Forces guys down on our heads, and after they've finished kicking you about, you can ask them what the score was.

Joe: What are ya trying to do? Mildly concern me?

Bruce: It's reality that bites mate, not the creatures from your head.

[Joe's complaining about the quality of the food]

Joe: I'm sick of this pre-packed dog shite.

Bruce: If it's not one thing, it's another, eh Joe?

Spoon: I know, you're like a bear with a sore head.

Terry: Thanks to Cooper's fancy footwork.

Cooper: Yeah, sorry about that Joe. How's your head doing?

Joe: Still in one piece. Knock on wood.

Joe: Come on then Bruce, man. Lets hear the result on the radio.

Bruce: Why do you keep torturing yourself?

Joe: We might've slaughtered them.

Bruce: Yeah, then again, you might not.

Terry: We all wanna know the results Joe. We just enjoy watching you suffer.

Joe: Laugh. I nearly split my sides.

Spoon: Yeah, well there's no point tearing your hair out about it Joe... oops, sorry mate, too late.

[Referring to Megan]

Spoon: What do ya think of her then?

Terry: Not my type.

Spoon: She's the only type, mate.

Joe: Why have the runt of the litter when ya can have the cream of the crop?

Spoon: [Imitating a wanking gesture] No soggy dreams mate.

Cooper: Any questions?

Joe: Just the one, Coop. Exactly what is it we're fighting against?

Cooper: Megan, do you wanna run it past the boys?

Megan: Lycanthrope.

Joe: You what?

Cooper: That's werewolves to you and me.

Joe: You're taking the piss.

Spoon: What? It makes perfect sense to me.

Cooper: So either we all make a break for it and fight our way clear, or the rest of us keep them occupied while one of us goes for help.

Joe: And by the time the cavalry get here, they'll have to pick what's left of us from between their teeth.

Spoon: [upon arriving at the house] Where the hell are we now?

Joe: Home Sweet Home.

Joe: [as the soldiers prepare for the werewolf attack] This is a pile of rancid shit!

Megan: [to Cooper] Now what do you believe?

Cooper: I'm beginning to believe you, but I think Joe might have worded it better.

Willy: It's quiet.

Joe: TOO quiet.

[a cat meows]

Joe: It's colder than a day-old dumpling!

Joe: You're mean, you know that?

Joe: I was taught four rules...

Joe: One: Don't ask questions. There is no such thing as right and wrong.

Joe: Two: Don't take an interest in people outside of work. There is no such thing as trust.

Joe: Three: Erase every trace. Come anonymous and leave nothing behind.

Joe: Four: Know when to get out. Just thinking about it means it's time. Before you lose your edge, before you become a target.

Joe: Where there's money, there's competition and the guy paying me usually wins.

Joe: [Narrating] You stay invisible too long, the human race starts to look like another species. So you venture out. You observe. And then you return to your invisible world. Like a ghost.

Joe: [Narrating, prior to performing an assassination in Prague] My job takes me to a lot of places. It's got its down sides: I sleep alone. I eat alone. I'm used to it, though. I'd like to meet someone. But it's tough when you live out of a suitcase. I go where I'm told... do what I'm told. I shouldn't complain. The work is steady. The money's good. But it's not for everyone.

Joe: [Again narrating, after he's completed the "hit"] My name is Joe. This is what I do.

Joe: [Narrating, upon arriving in Bangkok] Bangkok. It's corrupt, dirty and dense.

Joe: [Narrating] All my clients have one thing in common: they feed off the people. There's big money in misery. Where there's money, there's competition, and the guy paying me usually wins.

Joe: [giving Kong a phone] Keep that with you at all times.

Kong: I already have a good phone.

Joe: Now you have two. You answer whenever it rings. If I call and you don't answer, you don't get paid. Time is very important. If I tell you to be somewhere and you are a minute late, you don't get paid. Understand?

Joe: [Narrating, referring to Kong] Why didn't I kill him? Maybe it's because - and this is strange - somehow, when I looked in his eyes, I saw myself. So I became his teacher.

Joe: [Narrating] Political assassination wasn't in the contract. So, there were two ways to go: refuse the job and walk away now. Or, do the job and walk away rich.

Joe: [Narrating] The truth is, almost anyone can take out a politician. That's not the hard part. The hard part is getting away with it.

Joe: [Narrating; his latest "hit" has gone bad] When the nightmare becomes real, you don't hesitate. You don't think, you just run. Anyone in the way goes down. It's pretty simple. You are the target now. Leave the country, or you are going to die.

Joe: One sharp knife can feed you, clothe you, keep you warm and dry.

Joe: You ready for Miami?

Marie: [about Macelli] If you had just left him to me, I would have stopped him before he fled. Now he's a hundred times more dangerous.

Joe: Who did Macelli eat?

Marie: Some guy named Manny. An innocent person dead because *you* screwed up!

Joe: Manny Bergman? He wasn't so innocent. He's a lawyer.

Marie: Maybe he's not dead. Maybe I have to finish him too.

Joe: Or what? He becomes like Macelli, or he becomes like you?

Marie: Macelli's nothing like me! He's a cold-blooded killer!

Joe: And what are you?

News Photographer: Let's go! Move it!

Joe: What's the rush?

News Photographer: Macelli's car smashed into a gas station in Shadyside.

Joe: What was the meat wagon doing up there?

News Photographer: Macelli was driving!

Joe: You lost a lot of blood. Are you sure you don't need more?

Marie: Don't worry. You're not my type.

Gus: [holding a baseball bat] I'll swing on you!

Marie: [smiles] I'm a girl.

[Gus swings the bat at Marie, who catches it and knocks Gus out with the handle]

Joe: Some girl.

Marie: I take lives.

Joe: Ya well, if you were perfect you wouldn't still be single.

Joe: I thought this was just supposed to be a sit-down.

Tony: Yeah, but somebody ain't getting up.

Joe: Well, don't worry about it. I mean, what could happen? Of course, my design could have a few flaws. And after a few weeks, Will and I discover we hate each other. Abigail proves to be the flake of the century; she can't raise a dime. A giant sandstorm comes along, knocks this place over, we go broke, the IRS throws us in jail. The State Department wants to throw me out of the country. But I fool them: in jail, I catch pneumonia and die.

Will: We're going to need as much waterline as we can get.

Joe: I've factored in the average weather in that part of Australia over the last 20 years. We've got to play the percentages.

Will: You mean compromise?

Joe: Yeah, of course. You always get to a point where you have to stop torturing yourself and play the percentages. You're afraid of committing yourself, you have the desire for perfection.

Will: What's wrong with perfection?

Joe: Nothing, if you're God, and you're prepared to wait 500 million years for it to evole. But we have to start building this boat next week.

[a plane arrives at Joe's desert hanger]

Will: You expecting anybody?

Joe: Well, it might be the IRS.

Will: Maybe its the Australians coming to spy on us!

Joe: The waves are so big, and the wind is so strong, and the tide ah dah dah dai, ah dah dah dai!

Joe: Tiananmen Square boiled down to one man standing in front of a tank, that couldn't move or shoot, because human dignity was stronger than steel or bullets. It changed a nation.

Joe: The one thing, that guarantees our freedom and independence, is responsibility. We lost that somewhere between Vietnam and presidential blowjobs.

Joe: Tell me what we want.

Liberty Wallace: Your soul.

Joe: Fine, name a price.

Joe: Many of the fathers of the constitution had slaves, but they wrote a document about freedom. Go figure! So you see, things are meant to change; we're all grown up now.

Joe: It's up to you now. Time to choose.

Liberty Wallace: [seeing bomb] I take it your have political affiliations.

Joe: No, that's the problem, I need yours.

Venus: Joe, don't get killed.

Joe: You know when this is over I wanna renegotiate my royalty rate, may need your contacts.

Venus: How can you talk about business at a time like this? Those bastards are trying to kill us!

Joe: Dying's easy, rock and roll is hard.

Venus: God, they love me here in Russia. Your the drummer for my new warm up act, right?

Joe: Right.

Venus: What's your name again?

Joe: It's Joe.

Venus: Hey er you wanna party later?

Joe: Look with all due respect erm you've got a hell of a voice but a waste with this techno dance crap.

Venus: Because I get a private jet, twenty dancers and fifty million dollar record contract? It pays the rent. Are you sure you wanna open up this tour for me?

Joe: It pays the rent.

Venus: Hey, you kicked ass out there.

Joe: Thanks.

Venus: Not bad for an older guy.

Venus: Joe.

Joe: You okay? You not hurt?

Venus: They killed my brother and the American ambassador.

Mikhail: We know.

Venus: They've got the president and the girls. We've got to get help.

Joe: Look we've got a hell of a recording deal coming up with your label, none of these assholes gonna stop me.

Joe: We don't rehearse. We just play.

Venus: Are you sure you wanna open this tour for me?

Joe: It pays the rent.

Joe: Tub. My buddy.

Diana 'T.N.T.' Jackson: Did you ever hear of a thing called spying?

Joe: Hear of it? I invented it.

Joe: It's kind of sad to see the country grow up, ain't it? People like you and me just ain't gonna know how to live in a place where killin' is illegal.

Joe: [after being beat up by Gravedigger and Coffin] Don't ya recognize me?... It's me, I've come back... I'm Charleston Blue.

Her Majesty: You ain't nothin but a god-damned pusher!

[She slashes his neck with a straight razor]

Joe: [to Mago] Your people were here first, right?

Frank Mago: You're damned right!

Joe: My people were here when your granddaddy was still stealing horses in Sicily!

Joe: [Coffin Ed and Gravedigger catch Joe with the heroin] If you guys get rid of me, the mafia will be back here tomorrow.

Gravedigger Jones: We'll worry about that tomorrow.

Joe: Did you check those distribution lines?

Drag Queen: Yeah, they're tighter than a rat's ass.

Joe: [Gravedigger and Coffin Ed are directing traffic, and are angry at Joe] Ya know, black people gotta start workin' together instead of always tryin' to do each other in.

Joe: [to Coffin Ed] Come on, man!... Ain't nobody make a dumb nigger stick a needle in his arm!

Joe: [to Carol] I said EAT YOUR BREAKFAST!

[Joe mashes a grapefruit in Carol's face]

Joe: Vicki's making eyes at you man. Go talk to her. She's so into it.

Biaggio: There's no point in me talking to her anyways.

Joe: Why not?

Biaggio: Joe, I'm gay.

Joe: Are you sure?

Biaggio: Yes, my lungs fill up every time the seasons change.

Joe: That's not being gay, Biaggio.

Biaggio: What?

Joe: Pretty sure that's Cystic Fibrosis.

Biaggio: Oh.

Patrick: I can deal with the fact that the chickens are store bought. Okay? I can! But it really bothers me that the loaded potato isn't Biagio's recipe...

Joe: No! No no, that actually really is. I- I honestly have no idea where he's getting chives.

Joe: I don't trust that old guy.

Biaggio: He has a shadow behind his eyes.

Vicki: How long have you been standing there?

Biaggio: Hello

Joe: That's not an answer.

Biaggio: Do you know we've been walking for half a mile? I can tell by how much we've bonded.

Joe: You haven't said a word the whole time.

Joe: Ah... Is anything better than a good stogie, Biaggio?

Biaggio: Being in a situation where it's easier to lie but you choose to tell the truth.

Joe: Hmm. Guess that's better.

Joe: You made these?

Biaggio: I did. It took very little time. Very few days.

Tony: Hey, Joe! Look! Butch-a, he's got a new girlfriend.

Joe: Well, a-son of a gun! He's a got a cockerel Spanish-a girl.

Tony: Hey, she's pretty sweet kiddo, Butch. You take-a Tony's advice and settle down with this-a one, eh? Hehehe.

Lady: "This-a one"?

Tramp: This-a one... this-a... Oh! Tony, you know. He's-a not-a speak-a English-a pretty good.

Joe: Here's your bones-a, Tony.

Tony: Okay, bones. Bones? Whassa matta for you, Joe? I break-a your face-e! Tonight, Butch-a, he's-a get the best in the house!

Joe: Okay, Tony! You the boss.

Tony: [Showing Tramp the menu] Now, tell me, what's your pleasure? A la carte? Dinner?

[Tramp barks]

Tony: Aha, okay. Hey, Joe! Butch-a he say he wants-a two spaghetti speciale, heavy on the meats-a ball.

Joe: Tony, dogs-a don't a-talk!

Tony: He's a-talkin' to me!

Joe: Okay, he's a-talkin' to you! You the boss!

[brings the spaghetti, muttering to himself in Italian; Tony snatches the spaghetti from him and serves it to the dogs]

Tony: Now, here you are-a, the best-a spaghetti in-a town.

Beth: You live in a fake castle leeching off your accidental millionaire loser friend playing black metal in your bedroom. You'll never change.

Gilberto: Uh, it's *doom* metal.

Beth: Who the fuck asked you?

Joe: Well, he's right. Gilberto, you're the fucking man! It *was* black. Then we went through a sludge phase. Now it's more doom.

Hung: Adventuring is exactly what thou needst!

Joe: "Needst" is not a word.

Hung: Where we are, it is.

Fly: [chasing Joe in the water pipes as he escapes with the antidote] Wait! Wait, come-come back, you-you stupid fish!

Joe: [coldly] I'm sufficiently intelligent enough to kill you... if you don't stop bothering me.

Fly: So what? Any brute could do that. But can you tell me what the square root of... six thousand, five-hundred and sixty-one is?

Joe: [stammers] Uh, three-hundred, divided by forty, minus three is...

[he turns to drink more of the antidote and develops a larger, swollen head]

Joe: Ah! Eighty-one!

Fly: Yeah! But do you know what happens if an object travels at the speed of light?

Joe: [drinks more of the antidote and sprouts spines, legs and arms, and tears his pelvic fins off] Ah! It turns into pure energy!

Fly: What came first, the-the chicken or the egg?

Joe: [drinks more of the antidote and grows in size, grows hair and longer limbs, now resembling a fish-human] It depends on the relative amount of molecules in the universe!

Fly: What happens to a fish if he drinks too much antidote?

Joe: It...

[wheezes for breath]

Joe: becomes... HUMAN!

Fly: [coyly] Can a human breathe underwater?

Joe: OF COURSE NOT!

[he realizes he can no longer breathe underwater and drowns, sucked away by the pipe's current]

Joe: Once, there was only silence, and not a speck of hope in sight. And every tiny bubble burst on its journey towards the light. But the spark of creation will flicker again, it's a brand new era... about to begin.

Fly: [trying to take back the potion from Joe] I'm convinced your words are true.

Joe: Who's this?

Fly: Please let me follow you.

Joe: What a nice young fish.

Fly: I'll hold the bottle, too.

Joe: Oh no, that won't be necessary.

Fly: I insist, just let me hold it.

Joe: [crossly] The bottle stays with me.

Fly: Just let me have a little sip.

Chuck: No Fly, no! We're at the bottom of the sea, you'll drown!

Joe: Hmm... arrest them!

Joe: [to the crab and Shark] Useless! The pair of you! You're not fit for sushi! I sentence you to execution!

The Shark: Uhh... what's that?

Joe: Shark! Chew up that useless crab and eat yourself when you've finished!

The Shark: [about to eat the crab] Yeh... uh... well...

[turns angrily to Joe]

Joe: [realizing his mistake] Uh... I mean, um, no no, uh, that won't do, ah, my mistake. Nobody has to execute themselves in a civilized society.

[spotting another fish]

Joe: You!

Seabass: Ah, who? Me?

Joe: Yes, you! Because of your long and loyal service to me, I hereby appoint you chief executioner.

Seabass: Ah! Ohh, thank you, sir. Ah, thank you, sir! Thank you, thank you, thank y -

[Shark devours him]

Joe: Uh, on the other fin, we could just call it water under the bridge. A great leader is distinguished by his ability to forgive. Shark, I hereby appoint you offensive commander!

The Shark: [calls the other fish to order] Atten-tion! Go and get those three infuriating fish and bring them to me *now*!

The Shark: [after swimming through the potion, the two transform and gain the ability to speak] What happened?

[realizing he can talk]

The Shark: Whoa! What's that sound?

Joe: [stammering before realizing he can also talk] Mmm. I believe we have acquired the power of speech, my voracious friend.

The Shark: Uh...

Joe: [slurping up potion] I can talk. I can think.

[bottling potion]

Joe: Mmm, what a delicious beverage. Can you feel the power? Can you... taste it?

The Shark: Taste it?

[spotting a fish, which he eats]

The Shark: Ah! Food!

[belching in Joe's face]

The Shark: Oi! Clean my teeth! There's stuff in the cracks.

Joe: Henceforth, oral hygiene is no longer my department.

The Shark: What?

Joe: [flatly] I don't clean anymore. Try dental floss. From now on, I call the shots. Where there's brain power, I can have fame, fortune, servants.

Santa Claus: Don't you know who I am?

Joe: Sure, you're a nut.

Santa Claus: I'm Santa Claus.

Joe: Right, and I'm the tooth fairy.

Cornelia: You're burning up.

Joe: I'll be alright.

Cornelia: You stay out there and you'll be dead is what you'll be.

Joe: [after he gets his present from Santa] Did Cornie get anything?

[pauses]

Joe: The er... little girl.

Santa Claus: Oh? Are you two seeing a lot of each other?

Joe: Actually, yes.

[blushes quite a lot]

Joe: Actually.

Santa Claus: Next Christmas, you and I will have a date.

Joe: Really?

Santa Claus: Santa Claus never lies, Joe.

Donna: Where are we?

Joe: It's a little inlet, on the back side of Coashov Island

Donna: Is that like up Shit Creek without a paddle?

Joe: Yeah, pretty much.

Joe: So, how did your stuff end up at his place?

Donna: Unforeseen circumstances.

Donna: Fisherman?

Joe: Yeah, I was.

Donna: Like it?

Joe: While it lasted, yes.

Donna: You didn't go on anymore?

Joe: Nope.

Donna: Why not?

Joe: Unforeseen circumstances.

Joe: Where are you living these days?

Jack: Two steps ahead of the finance company.

[Willie and Joe hit the dirt under unfriendly fire]

Willie: Get down lower!

Joe: I can't get no lower, Willie, me buttons is in the way.

Joe: You are doing it all wrong. First of all, you need to take off those towels.

Owen: Why?

Joe: Because she can't breath. It's blocking her gills.

Owen: Whales don't have gills!

Joe: Oh, shows what you know!

Timothy Q. Mouse: You know, Dumbo, we'd better get an idea. Not just any idea. Somethin' colossal. Like uh...

Ringmaster: Have I got an idea! What an idea!

Timothy Q. Mouse: Huh. He never had an idea in his life.

Ringmaster: Just visualize: One elephant climbs up on top of another elephant, until finally, all seventeen elephants have constructed an enormous pyramid of pachyderms! I step out. I blow the whistle. The trumpets are trumpeting...

Timothy Q. Mouse: [smiling earnestly] Yeah!

Ringmaster: And now, comes the climax!

Joe: Yeah, what is the climax?

Ringmaster: [chuckles] I don't know.

Timothy Q. Mouse: I knew he never had nothin'.

Ringmaster: [getting into bed] Maybe it comes to me in a vision while I dream. Good night, Joe.

Joe: Good night, boss.

Joe: The thing is I'm actually from Bromley.

Mike: Well, don't worry about that. We're a broad church.

Joe: These banks practically destroyed this country. They crushed a lot of people's dreams, and nothing ever happened to them. We three old guys, we hit a bank. We get away with it, we retire in dignity. Worst comes to the worst, we get caught, we get a bed, three meals a day, and better health care than we got now.

Billy Mack: I realized that Christmas is... is the time to be with the people you love.

Joe: Right.

Billy Mack: And I realized that, as dire chance and... and... and fateful cockup would have it, here I am, mid-50s, and without knowing it I've gone and spent most of my adult life with a... with a chubby employee. And... and much as it grieves me to say it, it... it might be that the people I love is, in fact... you.

[pause]

Joe: Well, this is a surprise.

Billy Mack: Yeah.

Joe: Ten minutes at Elton John's, you're as gay as a maypole!

[in the record studio, Billy breaks off singing "Christmas Is All Around"]

Billy Mack: This is shit, isn't it?

Joe: [gleefully] Yep, solid gold shit, maestro.

Billy Mack: I left Elton's, where there were a hefty number of half-naked chicks with their mouths open, in order to hang out with you, at Christmas.

Joe: Well, Bill...

Billy Mack: It's a terrible, terrible mistake, Chubs, but you turn out to be the fucking love of my life. And to be honest, despite all my complaining, we have had a wonderful life.

[about Andy]

Joe: That boy needs to get *laid*!

[first lines]

Joe: Hey Andy! What's up, dude?

Andy Stitzer: Hey Joe. Hey Sara. How you doing?

Joe: When you gonna get a car?

Joe: Yeah, my man's gonna get it on tonight. Yes sir.

Sara: Yeah, you better get on me too.

Joe: What is wrong with this woman? Mercy mercy mercy.

[explaining to Joe how she got the large burn scar on her thigh that makes her shy of wearing shorts]

Jess: I was eight. My mum was working overtime at Heathrow. And I was trying to cook beans on toast. And I jumped up to the grill to get the toast. And my trousers caught light so my sister put me in the bath, poured cold water over me and pulled them off. And half my skin came off too.

Joe: Sorry.

Jess: I know - it put me off beans on toast for life.

Joe: Look, Jess. I saw it. She fouled you. She tugged your shirt. You just overreacted, that's all.

Jess: That's not all. She called me a Paki. But I guess that's something you wouldn't understand.

Joe: Jess, I'm Irish. Of course I understand what that feels like.

Jess: I'm sorry I missed that penalty, coach.

Joe: It's okay, losing to the Jerries on penalties comes natural to you English. You're part of tradition now!

Joe: Where do you normally play?

Jess: In the park.

Joe: No... I meant what position?

Joe: Maybe after they train you up I'll sign you - if I can afford you.

Jess: Yeah you wish!

Joe: Look, I can't let you go without knowing.

Jess: What?

Joe: That even with the distance, and it concerns your family, we might still have something. Don't you think?

Joe: Your mum's a barrel of laughs compared to my dad.

Jules: We need you come to the Grand Final.

Jess: I can't.

Jules: [thinking it's about seeing Joe] You have to come!

Jess: No, I can't!

[sighs]

Jess: It's the same day as my sister's wedding.

Jules: [moaning quietly] Aw, shit.

Jess: [later, to Joe] Jess can't come on the 25th. It's the same day as her sister's wedding.

Joe: [angrily] *Shit!*

Jess: Why are you doing this to me, Joe? Every time I talk myself out of it, you come around and make it sound so easy.

Joe: I guess I don't want to give up on you.

Joe: You're lucky... to have a family that cares that much about you. I can understand you don't want to mess with it.

Jess: Joe...

Joe: And I don't fancy being busted by your dad again. You better get back.

Jess: Joe! I'm going! They said I could go!

[Joe and Jess hug tightly]

Men in Background: Oi, oi, oi!

Jess: I'm sorry, I forgot.

Joe: That's okay now. I'm not your coach anymore. We can do what we want.

[Joe leans in to kiss Jess. Jess wants to, but pulls back]

Jess: Joe...

Joe: [quickly pulls away] Your dad's not here is he?

Jess: I'm sorry Joe. I can't.

Joe: I thought you wanted...

Jess: Letting me go to America is a really big step for my mum and dad. I don't know how they'd survive if I told them about you too.

Joe: I guess there's not much point with you going to America anyway. Is there?

[she shakes her head and they hug each other tightly]

Joe: Can't keep losing all my best players to the Yanks now can I?

Mia Thermopolis: [while watching a list of possible husbands, a picture of Prince William appears] Yes! Oh yes! I, I, I absolutely accept!

Charlotte Kutaway: Prince William. He's not eligible because he's in line for his own crown.

Mia Thermopolis: [Disappointed] Oh.

Joe: If he's not eligible, why is he included in these pictures?

Charlotte Kutaway: I just love to look at him.

Queen Clarisse Renaldi: Me too.

Mia Thermopolis: Mmm-hmm.

Joe: Your Majesty!

Queen Clarisse Renaldi: Next?

Charlotte Kutaway: Antoine Suisson of Paris. Plays the harp. No title, but good family.

Lilly Moscovitz: What about the title "husband?"

Mia Thermopolis: Yeah, he's cute.

Joe: His boyfriend thinks he's handsome, also.

Mia Thermopolis, Lilly Moscovitz: Right on.

Queen Clarisse Renaldi: No matter. Put him on all the invitation lists, he's a divine dancer.

Joe: Viscount, you may not be aware of what my job entails as the Royal Head of Security. My job is to protect the crown. To make sure no harm comes to the crown. To step in when someone toys with the crown's emotions.

Viscount Mabrey: I think the entire country understands how well you cater for the crown's emotions.

Joe: [pause] If you hurt my girl, you will answer directly to me, and whatever crimes I commit against you, remember, I have diplomatic immunity in 46 countries, including Puerto Rico.

Viscount Mabrey: Sir, you will find that the word "fear" is not in my vocabulary!

Joe: Perhaps... but it's in your eyes.

Queen Clarisse Renaldi: Dear Joseph, am I too late to ask you to accept my hand in marriage?

Joe: I thought you'd never ask.

Joe: [to Mia] Love does things for reasons that reason cannot understand.

Joe: Shades...

Security Guard Shades: Mmm...

Joe: You are now Head of Security. Good luck with Lionel. I've got a wedding to go to.

Joe: I would kneel if it weren't for my knee replacement.

Joe: With this ring, I thee - finally - wed.

Joe: I have never put on pantihose before, but it sounds dangerous.

Joe: This is between a waltz and a tango.

Mia: It's a wango?

[trying to recall the names of Lana and friends]

Joe: Anna, Falana, Banana, Bandana, Montana...

Mia: Hey Joe? Can we park a block away from school? I really don't want to cause a riot with this hearse.

Joe: This is a non-riot hearse. And if it were a hearse there would be silence in the backseat.

Joe: [speaking to Mia] Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.

Lilly: Michael, don't always think you could get a ride with us and...

[sees Mia's new look]

Lilly: Oy. Who destroyed you?

Mia: Oh. You-you think it looks that bad?

Lilly: You look ridiculous. You should sue.

Mia: Well um... I know it's a little straighter and shorter and...

Lilly: Weirder!

[Get's in limo]

Michael: An attractive weirder.

Lilly: No, it's not attractive!

Joe: Seat belts, please.

Lilly: What I really can't understand is that you ditched me again yesterday when I really needed your help at the greenpeace petition.

[picks up bag]

Lilly: These bags! You HAVE one of these bags? You know, we could hock that and feed a whole third world country!

[Looks at Michael]

Lilly: Am I right?

Michael: No.

Joe: If there are no more passengers, I think we should close the door.

Mia: Joseph, can we eighty-six the flags please?

Joe: No. The flags allow me to park anywhere. We keep the flags.

Mia: Sorry, Joseph.

Joe: You can call me, "Joe".

Mia: "Joey"?

[Giggles]

Joe: [Chuckles then abruptly turns serious] No. Joe.

Mia: [voiceover] Dear Diary, today is my first official day as Princess of Genovia. We'll land in a few hours, and I'll meet Parliament and the people before beginning my royal duties. Mom is, of course, moving to Genovia with me, and we'll continue painting - without the balloons. Lily and Michael are planning to spend their summer vacation at our - can you believe it - palace. They're even having my Mustang brought over, which I can legally drive in two weeks. Grandma's so glad to be going home, and Joseph - well, he's watching nearby as usual. Everybody's got pre-coronation jitters, including me. Everybody that is, except Fat Louie. He's totally adapted to being a royal. I guess he was one all along.

Joe: [voiceover] Princess, look out the window... and welcome to Genovia.

Mia: Hey, Joe?

Joe: Mm-Hmmm?

Mia: I'm gonna turn the backseat into a dressing room so I can change into a proper outfit for Madame, OK?

Joe: OK. And don't forget your shoes.

Mia: Ahh, thanks.

Joe: Strange town, San Francisco. When I purchased the pumps, they asked if I wanted them wrapped or if I was going to wear them.

Joe: No matter how many times you press that, it will still go up and down the same way.

Joe: It's a waste of time trying to logically figure out the female brain, that's for sure. Maybe she got another boyfriend.

[farts]

Seymour: Well... thanks for cheering me up!

Jerry: Have I got things to tell you!

Joe: What happened?

Jerry: I'm engaged.

Joe: Congratulations. Who's the lucky girl?

Jerry: I am!

[at the booking office, trying to be hired]

Joe: What kind of a band is this, anyway?

Sig Poliakoff: You gotta be under twenty-five.

Jerry: We could pass for that.

Sig Poliakoff: You gotta be blonde.

Jerry: We could dye our hair.

Sig Poliakoff: And you gotta be girls.

Jerry: We could...

Joe: No, we couldn't!

Joe: [trying to get Jerry to face reality regarding his engagement to Osgood] Jerry, Jerry, will you take my advice? Forget about the whole thing, will ya? Just keep telling yourself: you're a boy, you're a boy.

Jerry: I'm a boy.

Joe: That's the boy.

Jerry: [coming around] I'm a boy. I'm a boy. I wish I were dead. I'm a boy. Boy, oh boy, am I a boy. Now, what am I gonna do about my engagement present?

Joe: What engagement present?

Jerry: Osgood gave me a bracelet.

Joe: [takes it and inspects the stones with Beinstock's glasses] Hey, these are real diamonds!

Jerry: Of course they're real! What do you think? My fiance is a bum?

Sugar: If my mother could only see me now.

Joe: I hope *my* mother never finds out.

Sig Poliakoff: You're the wrong shape. Goodbye!

Joe: What are you looking for - hunchbacks or something?

Sig Poliakoff: It's not the backs that worry me.

Joe: But, you're *not* a girl! You're a *guy*, and, why would a guy wanna marry a guy?

Jerry: Security!

Joe: There's another problem.

Jerry: Like what?

Joe: Like, what are you gonna do on your honeymoon?

Jerry: We've been discussing that. He wants to go to the Riviera but I kinda lean towards Niagara Falls.

Joe: What are you worried about? This job is going to last a long time.

Jerry: Well, suppose it doesn't?

Joe: Jerry, boy, why do you have to paint everything so black? Suppose you got hit by a truck. Suppose the stock market crashes. Suppose Mary Pickford divorces Douglas Fairbanks. Suppose the Dodgers leave Brooklyn!

Jerry: [Jerry notices the badge of an undercover agent at a nearby table] Joe...?

Joe: Suppose Lake Michigan overflows.

Jerry: Well, don't look now, but the whole town is underwater!

Jerry: Now you've done it! Now you have done it!

Joe: Done what?

Jerry: You tore off one of my chests!

Sugar: I come from this musical family. My mother is a piano teacher and my father was a conductor.

Joe: Where did he conduct?

Sugar: On the Baltimore and Ohio.

Joe: We won't breathe a word!

Spats Colombo: You won't breathe nothin' - not even air.

Joe: [apologizing because the motor boat will only move backwards] I'm afraid it may take a little longer.

Sugar: It's not how long it takes, it's who's taking you.

Daphne: [after meeting the all-girl band they'll be traveling with] How about that talent, huh? It's like falling into a tub of butter.

Joe: Watch it, Daphne!

Daphne: When I was a kid, Joe, I used to have a dream. I was locked up overnight in a pastry shop, and there was goodies all around. There was jelly rolls, and mocha eclairs, and sponge cake and Boston cream pie...

Joe: Look, Stoop...

Daphne: And cherry tart...

Joe: Stoop, listen to me! No butter, no pastry. We're on a diet!

Joe: [to Sugar] The ship is in ship-shape shape.

Joe: I never knew it could be like this!

Sugar: Thank you.

Joe: They told me I was kaput, finished, all washed up. And here you are making a chump out of all those experts.

Sugar: Mineral baths, now really!

Joe: Where did you learn to kiss like that?

Sugar: I used to sell kisses for the milk fund.

Sugar: Oh Josephine! The most wonderful thing happened!

Joe: What?

Sugar: Guess.

Joe: They repealed prohibition?

Jerry: Oh come now, you can do better than that.

Sugar: I met one of them.

Joe: One of whom?

Sugar: Shell Oil Junior. He's got millions, he's got glasses, he's got a yacht!

Joe: You don't say.

Jerry: He's not only got a yacht, he's got a bicycle!

Jerry: Oh, why did I let you talk me into this?

Joe: I thought you weren't speaking to me.

Joe: [referring to Jerry] He has an empty stomach and it's gone to his head.

Sweet Sue: Are you two from the Poliakoff agency?

Joe: Yes, we're the new girls.

Daphne: Brand new!

Joe: [to Spats, about the murders they just witnessed] We didn't see anything. Did we?

Jerry: No!

[laughs nervously]

Jerry: Nothing. Besides, it's none of our business if you guys wanna bump each other off, we don't -

[Joe nudges him to shut him up]

Joe: I feel a funny sensation in my toes. Like someone is barbecuing them over a fire.

Joe: So you got pinched in the elevator, so what? Would you rather be picking lead out of your navel?

Joe: We didn't see anything!

Jerry: We didn't hear anything either!

Joe: [wipes away Sugar's tears] None of that, Sugar. No guy is worth it.

Ants: Hey, man, who cut the cheese?

Joe: He who smelt it, dealt it.

Joe: [wearing sunglasses at night with two other members of the Pharoh's gang] Whadaya doin' creep?

Curt Henderson: Who, me?

Joe: No, I'm talkin' to the other fifty creeps here. You know Gil Gonzales?

Curt Henderson: Gil Gonzales? No. No, I don't.

Joe: Don't know Gil huh? Well you oughta. He's a friend of ours and that's his car you got your butt parked on.

Joe: [gleefully] Rome wasn't burned in a night.

Joe: [waves for Curt to come over] Get down! OK now, you got it? I'm staying here, you're on your own.

Curt Henderson: Wait a minute, wait a minute, Joe... wait a minute. What if he hears me?

Joe: Shhh. Listen, listen! Look at it this way. Now, you got three choices. One, you chicken out and in that case I let Ants tie you to the car and drag you around a little bit and you don't want that. Right?

Curt Henderson: No.

Joe: Two, you foul up and Holstein hears you and, well uh... you don't want that, right?

Curt Henderson: No, I don't.

Joe: Three, you are successful and you join the Pharaohs with a car coat and a blood initiation and all that, huh?

[Joe pats Curt on the shoulder and runs back to the car]

Curt Henderson: What? Wait a minute, wait a minute! What blood initiation?

Curt Henderson: You know Toby Juarez? Toby Juarez, he's a Pharaoh isn't he?

Joe: Toby Juarez? Sure, we know Toby. We killed him last night. Tied him to a car and dragged him.

Joe: [to Curt] You better comes with us and take a ride with the Pharaohs, huh?

Mr. Gordon: Hey, what are you punks doing? What's going on here?

Joe: I'm just uh...

Curt Henderson: Oh, hi, Mr. Gordon. What's up?

[Joe is talking to the police about Warren]

Joe: [to Warren] How old are you?

Warren: Old enough to kick your butt through your skull and splatter your brains on the wall.

Joe: [to the cops on the phone] Yeah, he's a juvenile.

Joe: Deb, what are you doing?

Debra: I just wanted to have a little chat with Warren.

Warren: Oh yeah? Well have a little chat with my gun.

Debra: [into the barrel of Warren's gun] What do you want Warren?

Warren: STOP CALLING ME WARREN. MY NAME ISN'T FUCKING WARREN.

Debra: Well you can't kill me 'cause I'm already dead. And I talked to God, and she says, "Yo, wassup?" and she wants you to lose the gun.

Warren: What? You are psycho. You're a psycho.

Jane: What are you doing later?

Joe: I don't know. I'm either going to jail or hell I can't decide.

Lucas: Mitchell's the man Joe.

Joe: And the man calls all the shots.

Lucas: Damn the man.

Joe: Let me explain it to you. Mitchell's the man. I'm the idiot. You're the screw-up. And we're all losers. Welcome to music town.

A.J.: Joe, I need to ask your advice. Now I know you know a lot about love and women and all that sort of thing...

Joe: Oh yeah, my wife left me for another woman and my girlfriend forced me to leave at gunpoint. Does this qualify me?

A.J.: Oh yeah, definitely.

Joe: I want you to take these

[CD's]

Joe: , hold 'em against your chest, stand against the wall, and they're gonna take a photograph of you.

Warren: Why don't you go shove 'em up your ass?

Lucas: ...Because it would hurt a lot, Warren.

Lucas: Joe, I think it's gonna be okay.

Joe: What makes you think that?

Lucas: Who knows where thoughts come from? They just appear.

Joe: [after Lucas enters] Lucas!

Lucas: Joe!

Joe: Where's the money?

Lucas: Joe, the money is gone.

Joe: Yeah, I know it's gone... but where's it gone to?

Lucas: Atlantic City.

Joe: Atlantic City?... Is it coming back from Atlantic City?

Lucas: [nervous laugh] Oh, I don't think so, Joe.

Joe: What's it doing in Atlantic City, Lucas?

Lucas: ...Recirculating.

Joe: Recirculating?

Lucas: Yeah.

[Joe knocks the donation cup that Lucas was carrying out of his hands and grabs his arm]

Joe: Lucas, listen to me. I told Mitchell Beck that you forgot to deposit the money. I told Mitchell that the money was still here.

Lucas: Joe, that's not true. It's in Atlantic City... I swear.

Joe: Shut up, sit down, and don't you move.

Lucas: [sitting down] It could be in other cities by now...

Joe: Oh, shut up! Under no circumstances do I want you to leave that couch... unless it's to get me $9000, and then you bring it here to me, okay?

Lucas: Okay. You know, I think things are gonna be all right now, Joe.

Joe: Oh? And what makes you think that.

Lucas: Who knows where thoughts come from? They just appear.

[nodding]

Lucas: Mmhmm!

Joe: ...What a moron.

[after Joe beats Lucas up in his office]

Joe: Here.

[hands Lucas a washcloth]

Joe: You deserved that, you know that.

Lucas: Yeah, I know it.

Joe: Could you please not sing, Mark.

Mark: You know what Joe? One of these days, I'm gonna show you little people.

Joe: Yeah, well on that day I'm gonna jump outta my wheelchair and do a dance.

Mark: How 'bout today, huh? Rex Manning day.

A.J.: ...you know, I got to tell her that I, uh, well, you know, that I uh...

Joe: love her.

A.J.: Yeah, now how do I do that?

Joe: You say I love you. What do you want, written instructions?

Corey: Joe, you're the best boss in the world. Can I bring Rex his lunch?

Joe: Berko's taking him his lunch.

Corey: Um Joe, you know that Berko's gonna insult him to his face I don't think that's such a good idea.

Joe: I don't care if Berko sticks an M-80 up his butt and lights it. In fact, I hope he sticks one up mine, it might be an improvement.

Corey: Joe, I have to bring Rex his lunch.

Joe: Berko is.

Corey: Joe, I need to bring him his lunch.

Joe: Berko is.

Corey: [screams] I'M BRINGING REX HIS LUNCH!

[pause]

Joe: ...alright.

Mitch: Why do I get the feeling that I'm being royally screwed?

Joe: Because you are, Mitch.

Joe: Gina, you'd better go home.

Gina: Am I fired?

Joe: Have I fired anyone today? No. Why would I start with you?

A.J.: Hey Joe, I wanna tell Corey how I feel about her, and I thought you'd be the perfect guy for the job...

Joe: Oh, yeah. My wife left me for a woman and my girlfriend forced me to leave on gunpoint. Does this qualify me?

A.J.: Yeah, absolutely.

Joe: [Being hanged by Millicent Clyde] It's not even a code. It's more a set of guidelines than a binding ethos.

Lloyd Dobler: I got a question. If you guys know so much about women, how come you're here at like the Gas 'n' Sip on a Saturday night completely alone drinking beers with no women anywhere?

Joe: By choice, man.

Lloyd Dobler: Joe. Joe. She's written 65 songs... 65. They're all about you. They're all about pain.

Joe: So what's up?

Joe: Dude, where'd she dump you, man?

Lloyd Dobler: In the car.

Denny: Oh man, your car? Man, Dissed in the Malibu. Thats your castle, man.

Joe: [Lloyd has just explained his feelings for Diane] Dude, I don't even feel that way about my car, man.

Corey Flood: Hi Joe, How are you? I love you.

Joe: I love you too.

Corey Flood: You invade my soul

Joe: I want to get back together, Mimi is gonna go to college and I'm gonna be alone and I'm gonna break up with her before she leaves, have sex with me.

Cam Wexler: I wanna be part of someone's life not all of it.

Joe: Have you taken a look at your bedroom lately?

[she loves penguins and her bedroom is filled with pics and stuffed penguins]

Joe: If you love something, sometimes you just wanna be surrounded by it.

Joe: [That was a quote from] Nietzsche. I roll joints in pages from philosophers' books. It's like smoking their thoughts.

Joe: There are two things I've learned in life: find someone to love and live everyday as if it were your last.

Joe: You did the only thing you could do. You behaved like a gentlemen.

Alfie: I've never been accused of that before.

Joe: Don't get all choked up. You also behaved like a scheming, back-stabbing, so low could look up a snake's asshole, son of a bitch. Next time think before you unzip.

Alfie: Alright, you screwed up. So what are you gonna do, hmm? Run to the bridge? The question is, what's gonna happen with the rest of your life.

Joe: You really are a fuckin' moron, you know that? I'm gonna call up the big tobacco companies and thank them for burying you!

Detective Berman: Johnny, was there anyone in the last day or two who..."hurt" you?

Johnny Grasso: No. I... I... I don't think so.

Detective Berman: But someone did hurt you... no, Johnny?

Johnny Grasso: No. No-one hurt me.

Joe: What do ya mean no? You've been FUCKING RAPED!

Joe: What do you think would happen if I got him a professional... you know...

Bill: A professional?

Joe: Hooker. You know, the kind that can teach things... first-timers, you know... break him in.

Bill: But Joe, he's 11.

Joe: You're right, you're right. It's too late.

Joe: You know what this is like? Really just like high school, but instead of French homework, it's my dick.

Katie: Well, that's not true, because French was actually hard.

Katie: Oh, do you believe in magic?

Joe: Yes, I do. That's abso... yes.

Katie: Do you believe in a magic vagina?

Joe: A magic vagina?

Katie: It would bewitch you with its magic.

Joe: I've been bewitched by vaginas before. It's scary, actually.

Katie: Once I was so stoned I thought I was in an episode of 90210, and I kept yelling "Dylan!".

Joe: Awesome! I got so fucked up once on shrooms that I started a fight club with my cats.

Katie: I once got so wrecked that I woke up naked next to a hamburger, and I was like "did I just have sex with a hamburger?"

Joe: Mabel? What the hell wrong with you? You don't be coming...

Madea: Wake the Hell up.

Joe: You about to give me a heart attack.You too ugly to be waking somebody up in the middle of night, I told you that.You gotta ease that ugly up on people. You can't just show it to them all at once.

Simon: I've been thinking.

Joe: Yeah?

Simon: Last year we were in the squirt league, and this year we're in the pewee.

Joe: So?

Simon: So what do they want us to do, play baseball or urinate? Anyway, I was just thinking.

Simon: Your mother is so sexy, sometimes I forget she's someone's mother.

Joe: What if I said the same thing about your mother?

Simon: I'd have you committed.

Joe: Hey, your son is not a screw up, he's a hero.

Mr. Birch: What?

Joe: I said he's a hero. And you don't deserve him. I want you to know that.

Simon: She's so sexy that sometimes I forget she's someone's mother.

Joe: Well, what if I said the same thing about your mother?

Simon: I'd have you committed.

Joe: I have faith. I just need proof to back it up.

Joe: My balls just turned to prunes!

Simon: My balls just turned to raisins!

Simon: I'm a miracle you know.

Joe: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Joe: Jesus, Simon, you look like shit.

Joe: You ain't gotta drive nowhere to get food. I know a place where you can get fed three meals a day for free.

Madea: I ain't listening to none of your crazy talk right now, Joe.

Joe: I ain't joking here, now. I know a place where you can go work, and they gonna treat you real nice, and give you three meals a day!

Madea: What the hell you talking about? Where?

Joe: Down there at the Georgia Aquarium, they had one of the whales die. You can just go on down there and swim around for a while, and they'll feed you.

[chuckles]

Madea: Just keep on laughing you rusty old bastard.

Joe: Your mama is a Po-Po hoe!

Joe: Hey, Lexie! Someone's here to see you.

Lexie Littleton: Who?

Joe: Dodge Connelly.

Lexie Littleton: [Her eyes widen and she whispers] Tell him I'm not here!

Jimmy 'Dodge' Connelly: [From outside the office] I heard that!

Lexie Littleton: Goddammit!

[She goes out the door, to Dodge]

Lexie Littleton: You know, you have a real knack for showing up at the perfect time!

Jimmy 'Dodge' Connelly: Some people call it a skill.

Joe: I've got Viagra.

Myrtle: Oh yeah? Well I've got mace.

Joe: Who dat is at the door?

Madea: Shutup Joe I got this.

Joe: I'm gettin' tired of all these people comin' ova here late at night, I'ma hafta put my foot down.

Madea: Kunta Kinte put his foot down and it got chopped off. now shut the hell up and go back to sleep.

Joe: [the family member's have been discussing revenge] Yeah, that's like that man in, ugh...?Misery?. That woman had those shackles on the man's ankle bones... his feet went like this.

[throws his arms out]

Joe: [watching Madea butter her house arrest bracelet] You know, I was watching the Animal Planet channel and they say that when a coyote is trapped, it will eat its own foot off to get out of the trap. You want some hot sauce? In your case it wouldn't be a coyote, it would be an elephant. A big old giraffe.

Madea: Say one more thing, Joe.

[click of gun]

Madea: Say one more thing. I don't hear you. You're quiet, can I buy a vowel?

Joe: Do you believe this man asking whether my Theresa would fool around?

Buddy: I find it hard to imagine your wife sleeping with YOU.

Steffi: You always pick the wrong women.

Joe: Hey, I picked you.

Steffi: Yeah, I know, we got divorced.

Joe: 'Cause you were impossible to live with.

Steffi: "I was impossible to live with," I love this. You couldn't figure out whether you wanted to be a psychoanalyst or a writer!

Joe: So I compromised, I became a writer and a patient.

Joe: In a relationship, it is better to be the leaver than the leavee.

Steffi: Y'know over the years I often wondered what would have happened if we stayed together.

Joe: Well, that's something we never gonna know. We've managed to produce a fabulous daughter though. She got your looks, fortunately, and my... magic personality.

Joe: You're going to major in Journalism or Law. Not Rowing.

Joe: My knowledge of art is limited to Kirk Douglas as Vincent VanGogh.

Joe: I'm gonna kill myself. I should go to Paris and jump off the Eiffel Tower. I'll be dead. In fact, if I get the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier, which would be perfect. Or... wait a minute. With the time change, I could be alive for six hours in New York, but dead three hours in Paris. I could get things done and I could also be dead.

Joe: There was a moment there when I stroked when I should have hickeyed.

Joe: Carol was a poet and a member of MENSA so...

Steffi: She was a heroin addict!

Joe: Yeah she was also a heroin addict, but I thought it was insulin, so how was I to know?

Joe: Madeline was an archaeologist. She was fabulous.

Steffi: Madeline was a nymphomaniac!

Joe: Yeah, okay, she had a little problem with fidelity. You know, I didn't happen to see it.

Terry: Kate, you should choose. What's it gonna be? Mr. Action Figure Hero Guy? Or brains, and sensitivity, and a lot of other things I could name. So in other words: me or THAT guy?

Joe: Yeah, good looking, or ITCHY.

Charles Wheeler: Please, wherever you are, return my wife to me. Kate, if you're listening, I want you to know that I'm okay. I hope you're holding up well, I hope that these gentlemen are treating you correctly, the way you should be treated, and speaking of which, I'm going to Spain next week, so if your kidnappers would like to contact me, they can get in touch with my people, and you know who they are, and the house is waiting for you, right here, where you belong. And the house misses you, I miss you...

[Kate turns off the television]

Kate: Hmph! He has no IDEA where I belong!

Joe: You belong here.

Terry: Yeah. With us.

Terry: You know the hardest thing about being smart?

Joe: No.

Terry: I always pretty much know what's gonna happen next. There's no suspense.

Terry: I noticed you got a gold watch.

Joe: It's an 18 karat gold watch.

Terry: I don't give a shit how many karats it is.

Joe: 36 grand. It's no big deal.

Terry: Did you ever think about asking someone for the time? It's a lot cheaper.

Joe: What'd you bring her here for?

Terry: One, I had no choice, two, I may have suffered a slight concussion and three, she is mentally imbalanced to a spectacular degree.

Kate: I can hear you!

[Kate starts reciting the lines to "Total Eclipse of the Heart". Joe joins in]

Kate: Oh my god! I can't believe you KNOW that song!

Joe: Yeah. Bonnie Tyler. "Total Eclipse of the Heart". It's the ultimate sappy chick song.

Joe: Put that gun down.

Terry: Make me!

Joe: Make me?

Terry: Yes, MAKE ME!

Joe: What the hell is this, the third grade?

Terry: Well, I'm out of well-turned phrases at this point, Joe!

Bank teller: Is this a joke?

Joe: No ma'am, this is a bank robbery.

Joe: ...Of course, if you are expecting the unexpected... well, then it really isn't unexpected anymore... and that leaves you vulnerable to the truly unexpected... because you're not expecting it.

Joe: Paradise. Tuxedos and Margaritas.

Joe: Got the gun?

[the back window of the car they are driving gets shot out]

Terry: No.

Joe: Terry! That's Kate, right there, take her!

Joe: Henry, I just wanted to say thank you.

Henry Torne: For what?

Joe: For not giving up my name.

Henry Torne: I don't know your name.

Henry Torne: Joe, stop the car.

Joe: We can't stop the car, Henry. It's the getaway car.

Donny: His mind told his vomit to stay inside his stomach.

Joe: Impossible.

Plug: Yeah, puke has a mind of it's own.

Joe: What happened to the blowtorch, Plug?

Plug: My dad just laughed at me.

Joe: She hit me in the head, with her head.

Joe: [after getting advice from Woody on what makes Billy sick] Thanks, you little midget.

Joe: Sex isn't about talking dirty or some silly new position, it's about trust.

Joe: I like fucking. I like it a lot. Who doesn't? But people make such a big deal out of it. There's so much emphasis put on appearance. I don't know why. I've had sex with fat girls, with skinny girls. It's really all the same.

Joe: My record is five times, one night. Five times.

Mable 'Madea' Simmons: Joe. Did that thing just push you?

Joe: Sho did. She don't know about us. We Baptist. We tear this place up.

Mable 'Madea' Simmons: Girl, I will set it off up in here. She don't know me. You better be glad you at church. Jesus just saved your life, Hallelu-yer!

Milay Jenay Lori: I'm tired of dealing with black people. Always late. And ig'nant.

Mable 'Madea' Simmons: She don't know me. I'm a straight-up thug. I shot Tupac. Yes, I did. We was arguing over a parking place. I didn't kill him, though. No, that wasn't me.

Mable 'Madea' Simmons: [Madea his Nikki with a belt] Why wasn't you at school today?

Nikki: I went to the park.

Mable 'Madea' Simmons: Why'd you go to the park? You need to be going to schoolhouse.

Nikki: I'm not smart.

Mable 'Madea' Simmons: Who told you that?

Nikki: My last foster mother, she said that the only thing I'd ever be smart enough to do is lay on my back.

Joe: Is her name Jennifer? I know Jennifer, that's what she does all the time.

Mable 'Madea' Simmons: Shut up Joe,

[to Nikki]

Mable 'Madea' Simmons: the best revenge you can get on a person who tells you something like that, is to prove them wrong.

Joe: Best way to get revenge on someone like that is to kick their butt.

Joe: [watching Good Times, Penny's mother's about to take her hot iron to Penny's arm] Just ain't right, she's gonna burn that poor child. Lord have mercy, what makes people so mean?

Mable 'Madea' Simmons: Joe, did that thing just push you?

Joe: Sho' did. She don't know about us, we Baptist. We tear this place up.

Mable 'Madea' Simmons: Girl, I will set it off up in here! I will do a drive-by in this church... she don't know me! You better be glad you at church. Jesus just saved your life, Hallelu-yer!

Milay Jenay Lori: I'm tired of dealing with black people. Always late. And ignorant...

Mable 'Madea' Simmons: ...She don't know me. I'm a straight-up thug... I shot Tupac! Yes, I did. We was arguing over a parking place. I didn't kill him, though. That wasn't me.

Joe: I was hoping they would lock you the hell up.

Mable 'Madea' Simmons: The only thing locked up around here is your bowels. Now shut the hell up.

Joe: We don't want it. Return to sender

Mable 'Madea' Simmons: I remember I sent you somewere too and you came back with something. It still itching?

Joe: Yo' momma. Aw hell that's my momma too

Joe: No tinhorn joint like this could ever hold me.

Willie: What if we get shot?

Joe: [Silence] What's the difference?

Joe: [Al, Joe, and Willie are sitting on a park bench. Willie's feeding pigeon's, and as Al tells Willie the birds are filthy, Joe's staring into space, when a chunky kid - his mouth and face smeared with jelly - comes along - frightens the pigeons away, and stands right in front of Joe - blankly staring. Joe stares back, for a few seconds, but, becomes bewildered by this kid's staring, and mutters to Al] What the hell's the matter with this kid?

[Al looks at the kid - sizing him up - for a second]

Joe: If he eats any more jelly doughnuts, they'll have to take him to kindergarten in a moving van.

[Al chuckles. The kid doesn't blink. Doesn't smile. Just stares. Joe turns to Al]

Joe: Look at that mug. Got one of them heads they make piss-pots out of

[Irritated, Joe scowls, and jerks his arms and legs up and down, at the kid]

Joe: Get the hell out of here!

[the kid runs off]

Joe: [after yelling at the kid to go away, the 3 men sit in silence. Willie's staring into space, Joe sighs] Too much excitement for one day.

Al: [Al's starting at something, but, replies to Joe] I'm telling you.

[Al goes back to staring off into space, and grinding his jaw]

Joe: [Joe looks around - a scowl on his face. Willie - still silent - looks retarded] I'm sick of this shit.

Joe: [Joe, Al, and Willie, have just 'cased' a bank. To 'celebrate', the 3 men are talking over details as they each get hot dogs - with the 'works' - from a street cart. WIllie pulls out some money to pay, but, Joe says] uh-uh - put that away. These are on me. By next week, we'll be going out for Chinese food - *every* night!

Joe: [Joe - with Willie's assistance - is having the teller shove the money into their flight bag, as he tells her - in 'encouraging words' how to do it] Put it all in there. That's it. Both hands.

[the teller's putting fistfuls of cash into the bag]

Joe: That-a-girl. Right there - that big bundle.

[the teller finishes stuffing the money in]

Joe: Tell your boss to give you a raise.

Joe: [starts to sob, then wets his pants, while looking at some of his old memorabilia] Jesus Christ... Jesus Christ.

[Walks into the bathroom to change his pants]

Joe: Crying and pissing in your pants like a 3-month old baby. Well, I guess the whole goddamned cycle is complete now.

Joe: [standing in front of Willie's coffin in the funeral home] Feels funny to say, but I get the feeling I'm gonna' be joining you real soon, Willie.

Joe: [In the cab, on the way to the Las Vegas airport] You can get some sleep on the plane!

Al: You kiddin'? I could sooner fall asleep on a roller coaster. I don't like them jets. I don't trust no plane that ain't got no propellers.

Joe: Wake up, Al. The cops just called us a bunch of amateurs. I suppose we gotta' knock off a bank every other week in order to get some respect from those jerks.

Pete: [visiting Joe in the prison] The lawyer says they're gonna' be a lot tougher on you than you thought, Joe, if you don't give 'em back the money.

Joe: Yeah? Well, screw them.

Pete: I don't know, Joe. Maybe you should just give 'em back the money from the robbery.

Joe: Forget it. Al and Willie would both die if I gave that money back. Besides, Pete, let me tell you something. For the past couple of years, me, Al and Willie all sat on that park bench and looked at each other. Maybe a politician would come around and talk to us at election time, but that was about it. That was our life.

Joe: [continues] Here I've got my own cell, with a toilet and a sink. Food's okay, and I'm feeling good. As a matter of fact, they treat me like a king around here. Everyone comes around to talk, and they all want to do me favors. Pretty soon they'll all wind up asking me where I hid the money. They don't know it, but they're all older than me.

Uncle Joe: So you're interested in money, huh?

Joe: Aha. Made ten bucks just coming here.

[Uncle Joe frowns]

Joe: I get another twenty if I kiss ya.

[pause]

Joe: I'm thinkin' about it.

Uncle Joe: Where are my presents? I like presents, especially from people who love me.

Joe: And who would that be?

Joe: [Uncle Joe gets in elevator] Why don't we just cut the cable?

Nora McTeague: Sssshhhhh.

Carl: It's too thick.

Joe: How the fuck does that make you feel... to be in that position with all your money on the table?

Mike: How much you got, Joe?

Joe: What?

Mike: Total. You put down 80 thousand like it didn't matter. That's a lot of money for somebody like you and him. I think it matters.

Joe: What's the difference...

Mike: I'm a millionaire! That's the difference. I lose 80 I get another 80. For me it doesn't matter. See, I think it's you... who's sweating this, the both of you.

Joe: Yes, take that you motherless motherfuckers!

Joe: You beat them, you take their money, you call them names to their faces... and they love you. I don't know how you do it. I never saw anything like it. Beating a man out of his money, that's easy. Anybody can do that. But beating a man out of his money and making him like it... that's an art. That's an art of a true hustler.

Rabbi Baumel: Radio... It's all right once in a while. Otherwise it tends to induce bad values, false dreams, lazy habits. Listening to these stories of foolishness and violence... this is no way for a boy to grow up.

Joe: You speak the truth, my faithful Indian companion.

Rabbi Baumel: To a rabbi you say "my faithful Indian companion"?

[hits him in a head]

Joe: [as he realizes the substitute teacher is the woman he and his friends saw dancing naked in the window] Oh God, we're all going straight to hell!

[Joe finds a man lying in a pool of blood]

Joe: Oh, my god! Mister, are you alright?

Walter Shit: Two days, seven hours, twenty-three minutes and four seconds. That's how long I've been lying here.

Joe: Are you O.K.?

Walter Shit: 'Course not! I'm an artist!

[Walter Shit, performance artist, has been lying in a pool of blood]

Walter Shit: I wanted to express how cold, how pitiless this city really is.

Joe: Nobody touched you for two days?

Walter Shit: Spitting doesn't count.

Lily Dougherty: The lot is completely planted, the, the community is behind it and the flowers just starting to bloom and now all I have to do is show it to my father and show him something good can still come outta the neighborhood and it's worth saving...

Joe: Do-you-wanna-come-over-to-my-place?

[a coach races by, splashing them with mud]

Joe: I've... got a towel you could use.

Walter Shit: Congratulate me! This is my first work to use paint! I call it instant minority. I did the whole block!

Joe: But people are black or white, not purple.

Walter Shit: Periwinkle. It's periwinkle!

Joe: Champagne, boys.

Thug with Joe at Nick's Table: Me too.

Nick Charles: Sure, Champagne! Willie?

Willie the Weeper: Scotch - with a Champagne chaser.

Nora Charles: Likewise.

Joe: That's Mark McKinney! He's a seven-year employee. W-what's he doing in the ten-year lot?

Natalie Scheffer: Maybe he's gonna stand around for another three years.

Meg Harper: You're having a panic attack, do you know what that means?

Joe: It sounds pretty self-explanatory.

Joe: Can you show me some of that Crouching Dragon, Hidden Tiger stuff?

Natalie Scheffer: Everything on the menu was made with curd. Curd this, curd that. I MEAN, I ordered a hamburger and I got a ten-minute lecture on animal rights from the waitress. AND the guy in the play was half naked!

Joe: WHAT? Which half?

Joe: You become a farmer?

Rick: No, Joe, I'm an actor dressed as a farmer... for an audition.

Joe: Sorry.

Callie: We had a great weekend. Did she tell you about the play?

Joe: Yeah. The actors were naked.

Natalie Scheffer: So were the ushers.

Callie: They were not!

Joe: Callie, Beauty and The Beast is in town. Whats matter with that?

Natalie Scheffer: HEY, that guy is an ass-wipe!

Joe: NATALIE...

Natalie Scheffer: Sorry, I meant "ass-guy".

Joe: We gotta get you back to school.

Natalie Scheffer: DAD, I really wanna talk about this!

Natalie Scheffer: You know that big jerk took it easy on you, right? What makes you think he won't kill you this time? HUH? DAD!

Joe: You made your point!

Natalie Scheffer: GOOD.

Natalie Scheffer: [watching Joe practice fighting] OH, my god.

[turns off radio]

Natalie Scheffer: WHAT ARE YOU, like 12? The guy's gonna hit you back. He's got ARMS!

Joe: What are you doing here? Don't you have school?

Natalie Scheffer: I needed to see you.

Joe: [Looking in the mirror] What do you want?

[vomits]

Joe: *Now* what do you want?

[after getting hit by trainer]

Joe: Do people ever come back here?

Joe: You talkin' to me?

Natalie Scheffer: [on the phone with Joe] Dad, just tell me something. Is it you don't wanna see me. Or is it you don't want me to see you?

Joe: Yes... Yes to the second one.

Natalie Scheffer: [crying] DAD, just please let me come over. Just for a little while...

Joe: It's okay. Everything's all right. I'm just sittin' here drowning my sorrows in a - a quart of Ben and Jerrys Chunky Monkey.

Natalie Scheffer: [gets out of the car after Joe gets punched by Mark] LEAVE HIM ALONE, DIRTBAG!

Joe: Don't call anybody a dirtbag.

Natalie Scheffer: Daddy, are you okay? You're bleeding.

Joe: I'm good. I just tripped! I'm okay. Let's go...

[Alice and Joe have taken Chinese herbs that make them invisible. A cab pulls up to the curb, the back door opens by itself, and they get out]

Joe: Geez, nothing shocks these New York cab drivers!

[explaining to Alice why he wants to have an affair with her]

Joe: There's nothing sexier than a lapsed Catholic.

Mike: You know, you're a nice little strudel!

Joe: Hey, hands off! I saw her first.

Phoebe Frost: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha

Mike: How do you like these prices? We better write Congress to boost our PX ration.

Joe: Fat chance! All them schmooze think about is coal strikes, blood control, United Nations.

Mike: So what's Congress? A bunch of salesmen that's got their foot in the right door.

Joe: Boy, that's strudel! Strudel a la mode! That's the kind of pastry that make you drool on your bib.

Mike: You know what they say? They say she was right up there with them big Nazis. Right in the major league! That's what they say. She was Goebbels' girl. Or, Göring's. One of 'em, any way.

Joe: How did she get away with it?

Mike: How did she get away with it? Just look at her! She's hooked herself some big brass.

Tack: What chick's gonna wanna go out with a krater face?

Joe: Your face will clear up some day man, and who knows, maybe you can meet a chick with an acne problem too. Then you two will have something in common.

Tack: I don't want no chicks with zits, I want fine chicks!

Joe: Shit! My Tape! This fuckin' machine just scarfed my tape!

Hubbs: Big shit, man, put in another.

[Don't fear the Reaper by Blue Oyster Cult begins playing]

Hubbs: What the fuck is that?

Joe: It's "Don't fear the Reaper", man.

Hubbs: Hey, you're not playin' that pussy shit in the Blue Torpedo, man. I told you!

Joe: It's Blue Oyster Cult.

Hubbs: I don't give a fuck if it's Blue Oyster Cult, man. It's a pussy song!

Joe: If it's B.O.C., how can it be pussy?

Hubbs: Lemme' tell you something, every band puts out at least one pussy song so they can find out who the faggots are. Now, take it out!

Joe: Fuck you, man!

Hubbs: Fuck me?

[slaps Joe in the chest and puts him in a head lock]

Joe: OW!

Hubbs: It's a pussy song! Say it! It's a pussy song, huh, faggot? Say it! Say it, it's a pussy song!

Joe: Okay, it's a pussy song!

[Joe takes the tape out]

Hubbs: I told you it's a pussy song!

Joe: Technically you're his chicks.

Dad: Where do you get your values? From that stinking heavy metal music you listen to day and night?

Joe: Yeah, that's it, man. It's all the music! You know everything is just fine until we just listen to a couple of heavy metal albums. Then we get all fucked up!

Buffalo Chick #1: It's a party.

Joe: Who's it gonna be, just you chicks?

Buffalo Chick #1: Yeah. We could play... submarine.

Hubbs: Actually ladies we gotta get going.

Buffalo Chick #2: Where you going?

Hubbs: Just cruisin' man.

Joe: Nothing happened, man. She didn't even give me head.

Joe: Shit man! I gotta get that chic's phone number. How do you spell Weijikowokawitz anyway?

Hubbs: What are you gonna fucking call her man? That's the whole point. Shes from up north! You never have to see her again! You didnt even pork her, thank god!

Joe: Hubbs, man. You just dont get it, do you? Man, I was digging on that chic!

Hubbs: What did she have like a great personality? Ahahaha! You're thinking too much pussy!

Lanie: [takes hit from pipe, coughs] This is fuckin' skank weed!

Joe: You can still catch a buzz off of it.

[Crump's brother is kicking down the door and Joe and Hubbs run to hide in the kitchen]

Hubbs: Oh man... Crump's brother is going to kick our ass bad. But it was worth it, eh dude? That chick was rad.

Joe: Uh... yeah, man.

Hubbs: What? You blew it? You didn't go for it?

[Joe looks away]

Hubbs: I should kick your ass myself.

Joe: It still ain't cool to just worm his chicks, man.

Hubbs: What the fuck, Joe! Is that fuckin' eyeball lookin' at you again?

Lanie: Who's Tack?

Joe: Just some dude.

Jill Wajakawakawitz: Guy kinda reminds me of Mondo Man.

Lanie: Yeah kind of.

Joe: Who the fuck is Mondo Man?

Jill Wajakawakawitz: Oh, he's just some dude.

Joe: What about the bikini you bought her so you could watch her out by the pool and sport wood?

Joe: So you got a plan tonight, or what?

Hubbs: Fuck yeah, I got a plan, man. I got a radically hellacious plan! First, we get a shitload of tall cans, right? Them, an eight-ball... no... quarter O-Z. Fifth of Jack, just to take the edge off, then we spark up the thick, burlacious ganja-bud, get those chicks all horn-dogged out.

Joe: Hubbs, man, we're just gonna do what we always do. We'll drive around like dumb-fucks, then we're gonna wind up at that Stop 'n Go place, man, eatin' those Renaldo's burritos.

Hubbs: Shut up, Joe, fag! You go an attitude problem, man!

Joe: Check it out, man. It's Tack.

Hubbs: [laughs] The Tackmeister? That fuckin' pud! Hang a loogie on him!

Joe: All right.

[Joe rolls down the window and spits at Tack, hitting Tack square in the jaw]

Tack: AW!

Hubbs: Tack, you cack!

Tack: Hey, man, I got some chicks!

Hubbs: [brings car to screeching halt] Tack's got some chicks?

Tack: Man, why'd you guys spit at me?

Hubbs: [slaps Joe on the shoulder] Joe, fag! You spit on my buddy Tack, man!

Joe: You fuckin' told me to!

[Hubbs slaps Joe again]

Officer Dean: You guys probably think I'm a real butthead. You think I didn't want to taste a beer when I was your age? Hell, they used to call me "Dixie Cup" Dean.

Joe: Wow... that's... cool.

Katey Hobbs: [discussing how weird their parents are] My father did something once that was so crazy.

Joe: Yeah, what?

Katey Hobbs: You wouldn't believe it, you wouldn't believe it.

Dr. Animal: The killer's name is Antonio and he hates his mother.

Joe: Why?

Dr. Animal: Maybe 'cause she's a pain in the ass! Did you ever think about that?

Dwarf Guard: Dr. Animal's intelligence goes beyond the borders of the human mind. His savagery goes beyond the borders of the animal!

Joe: How could he go beyond so many borders without a passport?

Dr. Animal: Call me A.

Joe: A?

Dr. Animal: Also, call me Doctor.

Joe: A Doctor.

Dr. Animal: Doctor A!

Joe: Right sorry, Doctor A.

Dr. Animal: Bingo.

Joe: Doctor A. Bingo?

Dr. Animal: Moving on.

Dr. Animal: Oh, I like you, Ms.

Joe: Mister.

Dr. Animal: Please, call me Doctor.

Joe: You know, you look better in pictures.

Detective Martin Balsam: You should see me in a bikini.

Dr. Animal: Iggy-poo!

Joe: "Iggy-poo"? What's that?

Dr. Animal: It's my happy noise.

Steve Coogan: Given that the story's about Walter's love for his son, I really think that Walter should be there at the birth.

Joe: It's the 18th Century. Men just didn't do that. You're a 21st Century man, but Walter can't be.

Steve Coogan: He talks to the fucking camera. He can be emotional. If you saw Walter for an instant holding the baby in his arms, then you would forgive him all his flaws.

Joe: Yeah, but it would look terrible. It'd be like the scene in Robin Hood where Kevin Costner delivers a baby.

Steve Coogan: Because he's got a stupid mullet haircut.

Joe: You know what my kids would say?

Crow T. Robot: YOU'RE NOT MY REAL FATHER?

Joe: Cal! Pull up!

Cal Meecham: I can't. I'm too low.

Tom Servo: I got the blues, so bad, uh huh.

Joe: We don't get what we deserve in life, we get what we expect. Okay, so all raise our expectations.

Joe: Do you have a car?

Dorian Spitz: Nah, I've got a driver.

Joe: Who? Your mom?

Dorian Spitz: No, yours.

Joe: If anything ever goes south, you never knew me. Understand?

Dorian Spitz: Yeah, who are you again?

Joe: It can be very hard in the beginning. Maybe one of you does something terrible, and that might be the hardest to get used to.

Jason: Uh, we didn't... have those kind of problems in the beginning.

Joe: Well, the thing is you're just... in the middle of the beginning right now.

Joe: [singing] I gits weary / An' sick o' tryin' / I'm tired o' livin' / An' scared o' dyin' / But Ol' Man River / He jes' keeps rollin' along!

Joe: I just shell them peas.

Queenie: You ain't pickin' them up.

Joe: No, but I could've if you didn't. I could do a lotta things if it was necessary.

Queenie: Then why don't you?

Joe: It ain't necessary.

Joe: [Standing by the bar] You've been around here about five years now, Larry.

Avery L. 'Larry' Browne: Six!

Joe: And every day for six years you've been talkin' about goin' uptown... getting on your feet again... away from all this... but you always seem to need one more drink to get yuh nerve up. Maybe if you didn't get it up, some day you might really go.

Avery L. 'Larry' Browne: [Defensively] You know, I know what I'm doing.

Joe: Oh, sure you do, sur...

Avery L. 'Larry' Browne: [Interrupting defensively] I do't want anyone preaching to me.

Joe: Did I ever tell you not to take it? If you feel the need of another drink, why don't you have it? I'll buy.

Avery L. 'Larry' Browne: Well, here...

Joe: Larry, they tell me they got a mighty good cook at the Waldorf. Why don't you go?

Joe: [Joe lights a cigarette for Larry] Oughta be a nice party. Here's your chance to go uptown again...

Joe: [Putting his arm around Larry in a hug] ... and I don't mean north of 14th Street - I mean north of yourself.

Molly: What is the show, anyway? My brother wouldn't even tell me. Oh, I hope it's something Christmasy, a comedy.

Joe: It's Hamlet.

Molly: Great. "Hello kids. Do stop watching Mighty Morphin Power Rangers and come and watch a four hundred year old play about a depressed aristocrat."

Joe: Even Tarzan couldn't get out this way, out or in.

Joe: Isn't the point to help people?

Joan Fraser: Well, people, yes. Not the police!

Stew Smith: Well, Gallagher!

Gallagher: Hi!

Stew Smith: Ohhh, I'm glad to see you! Hello, Hank, how are you?

Hank: Oh, fine, but kind of thirsty...

Stew Smith: Thirsty? Come right in, I'll get you a drink, huh?

[starts to close door]

Hank: Oh, say, uh, you remember Joe?

Stew Smith: Sure.

Hank: Well, I sort of invited him in to bend an elbow with us.

Stew Smith: 'Sall right, 'sall right, 'sall right, bring him in.

Hank: Come on, Joe, it's all right.

Joe: All right!

Stew Smith: Hello, Joe!

Joe: Hello, kid, how are you?

Stew Smith: Glad to see you, kid.

[starts to close door]

Joe: Say, just a minute.

Stew Smith: Yeah?

Joe: Johnson's outside. You don't mind if he comes in and dips the beak, do ya?

Stew Smith: No, no, bring him in. More the merrier.

Joe: [to Johnson] Hey, come on, come on.

Stew Smith: Hi, Johnson!

Johnson: Hello, Stew old pal, how are you?

Stew Smith: Glad to see you.

Johnson: I'm glad to see you.

Stew Smith: Come on in, come on in.

[starts to close door]

Johnson: Say, lookit, wait a minute. I've got two of the boys I brought along with me, they're cruising around with nothing to do... you don't mind if I bring them in?

Stew Smith: You brought two of them?

Johnson: Yes.

Stew Smith: That's all right, bring 'em in...

Johnson: Come on in.

Stew Smith: ...well, what's the difference?

[... and the other 20 people come in]

Joe: Living is an art, it's not bookkeeping. It takes an awful lot of rehearsal for a man to get to be himself.

[last lines]

Joe: Is there something we need to talk about?

Darren: No.

Carrie: How would you feel if I wanted to know every little thing about you?

Joe: I'd feel loved.

Mr. Pink: Hey, why am I Mr. Pink?

Joe: Because you're a faggot, alright?

Mr. Pink: Why can't we pick our own colors?

Joe: No way, no way. Tried it once, it doesn't work. You get four guys all fighting over who's gonna be Mr. Black, but they don't know each other, so nobody wants to back down. No way. I pick. You're Mr. Pink. Be thankful you're not Mr. Yellow.

Mr. Brown: Yeah, but Mr. Brown, that's a little too close to Mr. Shit.

Mr. Pink: Mr. Pink sounds like Mr. Pussy. How 'bout if I'm Mr. Purple? That sounds good to me. I'll be Mr. Purple.

Joe: You're not Mr. Purple. Some guy on some other job is Mr. Purple. Your Mr. PINK.

Mr. White: Who cares what your name is?

Mr. Pink: Yeah, that's easy for your to say, you're Mr. White. You have a cool-sounding name. Alright look, if it's no big deal to be Mr. Pink, do you wanna trade?

Joe: Hey! NOBODY'S trading with ANYBODY. This ain't a goddamn, fucking city council meeting, you know? Now listen up, Mr. Pink. There's two ways you can go on this job: my way or the highway. Now what's it gonna be, Mr. Pink?

Mr. Pink: Jesus Christ, Joe, fucking forget about it. It's beneath me. I'm Mr. Pink. Let's move on.

Joe: I'll move on when I feel like it... All you guys got the goddamn message?... I'm so goddamn mad, hollering at you guys I can hardly talk. Pssh. Let's go to work.

Joe: This man set us up.

Nice Guy Eddie: Dad, I'm sorry, but I don't know what the hell's happening.

Joe: It's all right, Eddie. I do.

Mr. White: What the fuck are you talking about?

Joe: That lump of shit's working with the L.A.P.D.

Mr. Orange: Joe, I don't have the slightest fucking idea what you're talking about.

Mr. White: Joe, I don't know what you think you know, but you're wrong.

Joe: Like hell I am.

Mr. White: Joe, trust me on this. You've made a mistake. He's a good kid. I understand. You're hot, you're super fucking pissed. We're all real emotional. But you're barking up the wrong tree. I know this man. He wouldn't do that.

Joe: You don't know jack shit! I do! The cocksucker tipped off the cops and had Mr. Brown and Mr. Blue killed.

Mr. Pink: Mr. Blue is dead?

Joe: Dead as Dillinger.

Mr. White: How do you know all this?

[first lines]

Mr. Brown: Let me tell you what 'Like a Virgin' is about. It's all about a girl who digs a guy with a big dick. The entire song. It's a metaphor for big dicks.

Mr. Blonde: No, no. It's about a girl who is very vulnerable. She's been fucked over a few times. Then she meets some guy who's really sensitive...

Mr. Brown: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... Time out Greenbay. Tell that fucking bullshit to the tourists.

Joe: Toby... Who the fuck is Toby? Toby...

Mr. Brown: 'Like a Virgin' is not about this sensitive girl who meets a nice fella. That's what "True Blue" is about, now, granted, no argument about that.

Mr. Orange: Which one is 'True Blue'?

Nice Guy Eddie: 'True Blue' was a big ass hit for Madonna. I don't even follow this Tops In Pops shit, and I've at least heard of "True Blue".

Mr. Orange: Look, asshole, I didn't say I ain't heard of it. All I asked was how does it go? Excuse me for not being the world's biggest Madonna fan.

Mr. Blonde: Personally, I can do without her.

Mr. Blue: I like her early stuff. You know, 'Lucky Star', 'Borderline' - but once she got into her 'Papa Don't Preach' phase, I don't know, I tuned out.

Mr. Brown: Hey, you guys are making me lose my... train of thought here. I was saying something, what was it?

Joe: Oh, Toby was this Chinese girl, what was her last name?

Mr. White: What's that?

Joe: I found this old address book in a jacket I ain't worn in a coon's age. What was that name?

Mr. Brown: What the fuck was I talking about?

Mr. Pink: You said 'True Blue' was about a nice girl, a sensitive girl who meets a nice guy, and that 'Like a Virgin' was a metaphor for big dicks.

Mr. Brown: Lemme tell you what 'Like a Virgin' is about. It's all about this cooze who's a regular fuck machine, I'm talking morning, day, night, afternoon, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick.

Mr. Blue: How many dicks is that?

Mr. White: A lot.

Mr. Brown: Then one day she meets this John Holmes motherfucker and it's like, whoa baby, I mean this cat is like Charles Bronson in the 'Great Escape', he's digging tunnels. Now, she's gettin' the serious dick action and she's feeling something she ain't felt since forever. Pain. Pain.

Joe: Chew? Toby Chew?

Mr. Brown: It hurts her. It shouldn't hurt her, you know, her pussy should be Bubble Yum by now, but when this cat fucks her it hurts. It hurts just like it did the first time. You see the pain is reminding a fuck machine what it once was like to be a virgin. Hence, 'Like a Virgin'.

Joe: Wong?

[Joe counts the tip and finds it is a buck short]

Joe: Hey, who didn't throw in?

Mr. Orange: Mr. Pink.

Joe: Mr. Pink? Why not?

Mr. Orange: He don't tip.

Joe: He don't tip? Whaddaya mean you don't tip?

Mr. Orange: He don't believe in it.

Joe: Shut up!

Mr. White: [snatches Joe's address book] Give me this fucking thing.

Joe: What do you think you're doing? Give me back my book!

Mr. White: I'm sick of fucking hearing it Joe, I'll give it back to you when we leave.

Joe: What do you mean, give it to me when we leave, give it back now.

Mr. White: For the past fifteen minutes, you've been droning on about names. Toby. Toby?

[flips pages in book]

Mr. White: Toby? Toby Wong. Toby Wong? Toby Wong. Toby Chung? Fucking Charlie Chan. I got Madonna's big dick coming out of my left ear, and Toby the Jap... I don't know what - comin' out of my right.

Nice Guy Eddie: Let me say this out loud, 'cause I wanna get it straight in my head. You're saying that Mr. Blonde was gonna kill you, then when we got back, he was going kill us, take the satchel of diamonds, and scram. I'm right about that, right? That's correct? That's your story?

Mr. Orange: I swear on my mother's eternal soul that's what happened.

Nice Guy Eddie: The man you just killed was just released from prison. He got caught at a company warehouse full of hot items. He could've fuckin' walked. All he had to do was say my dad's name, but he didn't; he kept his fucking mouth shut. And did his fuckin' time, and he did it like a man. He did four years for us. So, Mr. Orange, you're tellin' me this very good friend of mine, who did four years for my father, who in four years never made a deal, no matter what they dangled in front of him, you're telling me that now, that now this man is free, and we're making good on our commitment to him, he's just gonna decide, out of the fucking blue, to rip us off? Why don't you tell me what really happened?

Joe: [walks in] What the hell for? It'd just be more bullshit.

Joe: With the exception of Eddie and myself, whom you already know, we're going to be using aliases on this job. Under no circumstances do I want any one of you to relate to each other by your Christian names, and I don't want any talk about yourself personally. That includes where you been, your wife's name, where you might've done time, or maybe a bank you robbed in St. Petersburg. All I want you guys to talk about, if you have to, is what you're going to do. That should do it. Here are your names...

[pointing to each respective member]

Joe: Mr. Brown, Mr. White, Mr. Blonde, Mr. Blue, Mr. Orange, and Mr. Pink.

Mr. Pink: Why am I Mr. Pink?

Joe: Because you're a faggot, alright?

Joe: Now listen up, Mr. Pink. There's two ways we can do this job. My way... or the highway!

Nice Guy Eddie: Daddy, did you see that?

Joe: What?

Nice Guy Eddie: Guy got me on the ground, he tried to fuck me.

Mr. Blonde: You wish.

Nice Guy Eddie: You sick bastard, Vic. You tried to fuck me in my father's office. Look, Vic. Whatever you wanna do in the privacy of your own home, go to it. But don't try to fuck me. I mean, I don't think of you that way. I like you a lot, buddy, but I don't think of you that way.

Mr. Blonde: Listen, if I was a butt cowboy, I wouldn't even throw you to the posse.

Nice Guy Eddie: No you wouldn't, you'd keep me for yourself. You know, four years fuckin' punks up the ass, you appreciate a piece of prime rib when you see it.

Mr. White: How do you know all this, Joe? How do you know Mr. Orange is the informant?

Joe: He was the only one that I wasn't 100% sure on. I should have my fuckin' head examined for going on a plan like this when I wasn't a hundred percent sure of my crew!

Mr. White: [shouting] That's your proof?

Joe: You don't need proof when you have instinct!

Joe: All right ramblers, let's get rambling!

Joe: So, you guys like to tell jokes and giggle and kid around, huh? Gigglin' like a bunch of young broads in a schoolyard. Well, let me tell a joke. Five guys, sittin' in a bullpen, in San Quentin. Wondering how the fuck they got there. "What did we do wrong? What shoulda we done? What didn't we do? It's your fault, my fault, his fault." All that bullshit. Finally someone comes up with the idea, "Wait a minute. While we were planning this caper, all we did was sit around tell fuckin' jokes! Got the message? Fellas, I don't mean to holler at ya. When this caper's over - and I'm sure it's gonna be a successful one - hell, we'll get down to the Hawaiian Islands, I'll roll and laugh with all of you. You'll find me a different character down there. Right now, it's a matter of business.

Mr. Blonde: Listen, I appreciate what, you guys are doin' for me, but I was wonderin' when I can come back and, you know, do some real work.

Joe: Well, that's hard to say, It's kind of a strange time now. Things are a little...

Nice Guy Eddie: They're a little fucked-up is what they are. Listen we got a big meetin' goin' down in Vegas right now.

Joe: Just let Eddie for now set you up in Long Beach, get you some cash, Get this Scagnetti fuck off your back, and then we can start talkin' okay? Huh?

Nice Guy Eddie: Listen daddy, I got an idea. Now just, hear me out. Now, I know you don't like usin' the boys on jobs like these, but Vic has been nothin' but good luck for us. The guy's a fuckin' rabbits foot for cryin' out loud. I'd like to have him in. You know he's reliable and you damn well know trust him.

Joe: [pause] How would you feel about pulling off a job with about five other guys?

Mr. Blonde: I'd feel great about it.

Joe: Hey, I've changed my mind. Shoot this piece of shit, will ya?

Joe: Let's go to work.

Mr. Pink: [Mr. Pink throws his tip on the table] All right, but normally I would never do this.

Joe: Never mind what you *normally* would do.

Mr. Brown: [after Joe assigns names] Yeah, yeah, but "Mr. Brown"? That's little too close to "Mr. Shit".

Mr. Pink: Yeah, "Mr. Pink" sounds like "Mr. Pussy". Tell you what, let me be Mr. Purple. That sounds good to me. I'm Mr. Purple.

Joe: You're *not* Mr. Purple. Somebody from another job's Mr. Purple. You're Mr. Pink!

Nice Guy Eddie: Yeah I'm sorry, I should have picked you up myself. This whole week has been fucked up, I've had my head up my ass the whole time.

Mr. Blonde: You know, that's funny, 'cause that's what me and your dad were just talkin' about.

Nice Guy Eddie: That I should have picked you up?

Mr. Blonde: No, that you got your head up your ass. I mean I walked in here and Joe's like, "Vic, thank god you're back. My son Eddie's a fuck-up. I mean I love the guy, but he's just flushin' everything down the toilet. He's ruining me." I mean that's what you said, right Joe? I'm not makin' this up.

Joe: I'm sorry you had to hear it like this Eddie. Vic asked me how business was, and you can't lie to a man who's done time for you.

Nice Guy Eddie: That's very true.

[he and Vic get into a wrestling contest]

[after hearing Orange's smuggling story]

Joe: Only one thing to do in that case: shit in yer pants an' dive in and swim!

Joe: Cough up a buck you cheap bastard.

Joe: Give me that book.

Mr. White: Are you gonna put it away?

Joe: I'm gonna do whatever the fuck I want with it.

Joe: How does freedom feel?

Mr. Blonde: It's a change.

Mr. White: [snatching Joe's book from his hand] Gimme that fuckin' thing...

Joe: What the hell do ya think you're doin'? Gimme my book back!

Mr. White: I'm sick of fuckin' hearin' it, Joe. I'll give it back to you when we leave.

Joe: Whaddaya mean when we leave? Gimme it back now!

Mr. White: For the past 15 minutes now you've been droning on about names. Toby... Toby... Toby... Toby Wong... Toby Wong, Toby Wong... Toby Chung, fuckin' Charlie Chan. I got Madonna's big dick coming outta my left ear, and Toby the Jap - I dunno what - coming outta my right.

Joe: Gimme that book.

Mr. White: Are you gonna put it away?

Joe: I'm gonna do whatever the fuck I want with it.

Mr. White: Well then, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to keep it.

Mr. Blonde: Hey Joe... Want me to shoot this guy?

Mr. White: Shit... You shoot me in a dream, you better wake up and apologize.

Off-Screen Police Officers: [From Trailer] Freeze! Put the gun down!

Joe: Here your name's. Mr. White, Mr. Blonde and Mr. Pink.

Mr. Pink: Why am I Mr. Pink?

Mr. White: Who cares what your name is.

Mr. Pink: Easy for you to say your Mr. White you got a cool sounding name.

Joe: Let's go to work.

Mr. Orange: [the men walk out as White and Orange discuss there bank plan] What happens if the Manager doesn't give you the diamonds?

Mr. White: Cut one of his fingers off the little one.

Mr. Blonde: If they haven't done what I told them not to do, they'd still be alive!

Mr. Pink: [White punches Pink to the floor] Your acting like a first year thief, i'm acting like a Professional!

Mr. White: [White in bathroom speaking to Pink] A guy like can put you in for ten years worth.

Mr. Orange: [to Sheriffs] BAM!

Mr. White: [Discussing Blonde's situation in the bank] BAM!

Mr. Blonde: [Mr. Pink shoot's at the cops] Bam, Bam, Bam, Bam!

Nice Guy Eddie: [White, Orange, Pink and Eddie in the car discussing their favorite TV series from the 70's] Your under arrest sugar!

Mr. Blonde: [after White takes Joe's book] Hey Joe, want me to shoot this guy?

Joe: So who's your parole officer?

Mr. Blonde: Seymour Scagnetti.

Joe: What's he like?

Mr. Blonde: He's a fuckin' asshole.

Joe: Thank you, Randy. I was sure you'd see it my way. Take good care of yourself.

Randy Kennan: I'll take care of myself, mister. That's my specialty.

Myra Langtry: [laughing while having sex with Joe]

Joe: What're you laughing at?

Myra Langtry: Oh, nothi- nothing, nothing, no, never mind, Joe. It's just... I was remembering, at lunch... on the menu it said, "Today's Special: broiled hothouse tomato under generous slice... of ripe cheeeeese!"

[giggles]

Joe: God gave us baseball to make up for the Industrial Revolution.

Roy: While you're in the bathroom, put some toilet paper in there.

Joe: You do it. It's your jerk-off room.

Roy: I'll jerk your head off!

Bob Henry: You listen to me.

[grabbing Joe's ear]

Bob Henry: When I ask you to do something, you do it, right?

Joe: Right.

Bob Henry: Make me chase you down the fucking street... If I ask you to march out on the street and jump up and down like G.I Joe, you do it, right?

Joe: Right!

Bob Henry: If I ask you to go up on the roof and bark like a chicken, you do it, right?

Joe: Right!

Bob Henry: I don't give a fuck whether it's your bosses, whatever it is, I'm your father and you do exactly what I say. Look at me! Right?

Joe: Right.

Bob Henry: All right. What's for supper?

Bob Henry: What do you need the money for? Christ, I coulda got you the money. What the fuck d'you need money for? You're thirteen fucking years old.

Joe: Fourteen

Bob Henry: Well, you're not gonna see fifteen at this rate.

[seeing Joe eating scraps out of the sink]

Jorge: Did you get something to eat?

Joe: Uh, just some Ho-Ho's.

Jorge: Ho-ho's? Get a sandwich. Tell Roy to get you a sandwich, man.

Joe: No, it's all right. I'll just pick on this.

Jorge: I wouldn't be touchin' that if you saw the leper who was drooling all over that shit.

Jorge: [calling to the cook] Hey, Roy, you old fuck!

Roy: What?

Jorge: Get the boy a sandwich or somethin' before he gets hepatitis!

Joe: We don't cater to the criminal classes.

Detective Sergeant Fothergill: Turned over a new leaf?

Joe: There's such a thing as a law of libel.

Detective Sergeant Fothergill: There's such a thing as ham, but there's none in this sandwich.

Joe: It's awfully big.

John 'Czar' Martin: Not so big that we can't take it.

Joe: I think we are going to get away with it you know.

Lee: What makes you so sure?

Joe: God's on our side.

Joe: Do you know what a Fallen Angel is? A Fallen Angel is an angel that rebelled against god & was cast out of heaven. We are all Fallen Angels.

Alex: We have to go to the police.

Joe: Yeah? and say what? We tried to scare this girl. It all went a bit too far and we accidentally killed her... my bad.

Alex: Yes.

Joe: But that is exactly what I mean. Gods plan! I tried talking about it to Lee but he didn't really take it very seriously but I am deadly serious when I say what I'm saying right now. Everything we did was meant to be, everything we do is meant to happen. It's just for the big picture to become clearer and yes, that begs the question 'what is the big picture?', but that's just it. It's too big for us to see, it's so big if we went to the moon and looked back down at the picture, it would still be to big. Do you know what I'm saying?

Joe: This was god's plan. Why else would he have let this happen? and you can't stop him now no matter how much you want to.

Alex: I don't think I've ever been in a church before.

Joe: They're beautiful aren't they?

Alex: Yeah.

Joe: You should come here more often.

Alex: Yeah... I don't know.

Joe: Why?

Joe, Alex: They're not really for me.

Joe: When I meet one... a you know what... he shows me that they need to be punished... he stripped me of my human eyes, so I can now see them for what they really are. I wish you could see it Alex, it's incredible...

Alex: What do you see?

Joe: Words cannot describe it.

Alex: How often do you see them?

Joe: Every day.

Alex: How can I see them too?

Joe: Ask for new eyes, like I did.

Detective Leah Black: You like birds.

Joe: I like what they represent.

Detective Leah Black: and whats that?

Joe: Freedom. The ability to escape any situation, the way they elegantly fly through the sky. They're the definition of life.

Joe: Perhaps the only difference between me and other people was that I've always demanded more from the sunset; more spectacular colors when the sun hit the horizon. That's perhaps my only sin.

Joe: It's actually the souls of the trees we're seeing in the winter. In summer everything is green and idyllic but in the winter, the branches and the trunks all stand out. Just look at how crooked they all are. The branches have to carry all the leaves to the sunlight. That's one long struggle for survival.

Seligman: Love is blind.

Joe: No, no, no. It's worse. Love distort things. Or even worse, love is something you never asked for. The erotic was something that I ask for or even demanded of men. But this idiotic love... I felt humiliated by it. And all the dishonesty that follows.

Joe: The erotic is about saying yes. Love appeals to lowest instincts, wrapped up in lies. How do you say yes when you mean no? And vice-versa. I'm ashamed of what I became. But it was beyond my control.

Joe: For me, love was just lust with jealousy added; everything else was total nonsense. For every hundred crimes committed in the name of love, only one is committed in the name of sex.

Joe: They said that love was the secret ingredient in sex, but, to me, love was just lust, with jealousy added.

Seligman: I'm Seligman.

Joe: What a fucking ridiculous name.

Joe: Basically, we're all waiting for permission to die.

Joe: It's my own fault. I'm just a bad human being.

Seligman: I've never met a "bad human being."

Joe: Well, you have now.

Joe: [as Dirk is in his truck and trying to rub his penis to get an erection] Come on!

Dirk: [Dirk stops] I can't! I can't get it hard, right? I can't. I'm sorry!

[another truck suddenly pulls up with a group of guys]

Joe: You just shouldn't do this sort of thing, you faggot!

[punches Dirk]

English Bob: Well, Sir, again I don't wish to give offense when I suggest that this country should select a, uh, king or even a queen instead of a president. One isn't that quick to shoot a king or a queen. The majesty of royalty, you see.

Joe: Well, maybe you don't wish to give offense, Sir, but you are giving it pretty thick. This country don't need no queens whatsoever, I reckon. As a matter of fact what I heard about queens-...

Joe: The human qualities can be expressed in one word: hypocrisy.

Joe: Nobody knew his secret. Most probably not even himself. He sat there with his shame. I suppose I sucked him off, is a kind of apology.

Seligman: That's unbelievable!

Joe: Listen to me. This is a man who had succeeded in repressing his own desire, who had never before given into it right up until I forced it out. He had lived a life full of denial and had never hurt a soul. I think that's laudable.

Seligman: No matter how much I try, I can't find anything laudable in pedophilia.

Joe: That's because you think about the, perhaps 5% who actually hurt children. The remaining 95% never live out their fantasies. Think about their suffering. Sexuality is the strongest force in human beings. To be born with a forbidden sexuality must be agonizing. The pedophile who manages to get through life with the shame of his desire, while never acting on it, deserves a bloody medal.

Joe: We elevate those who say right but mean wrong, and mock those who say wrong but mean right.

Joe: Dear everyone, don't think it's been easy, but I understand now that we're not and never will be alike.

[to Tania]

Joe: I'm not like you, who fucks to be validated and might just as well give up putting cocks inside of you. You already got your bloody kick a long time ago when it turned out that someone was even bothered to fuck you.

[to Brunhelda]

Joe: And I'm not like you. Eat yourself to death if you want. I have no pity for you. All you want is to be filled up and whether it's by a man or by tons of disgusting slop makes no difference because it's all just a pathetic attempt at filling out your own resounding emptiness and hiding your ridiculous egocentric self-loathing.

[to the Therapist]

Joe: And I'm definitely not like you. That empathy you claim is a lie because all you are is society's morality police whose duty is to erase my obscenity from the surface of the Earth so that the bourgeoisie won't feel sick.

[to the entire group]

Joe: I'm not like you. I am a nymphomaniac and I love myself for being one, but above all, I love my cunt and my filthy, dirty lust.

Joe: The secret ingredient for sex is love.

Joe: Each time a word becomes prohibited, you remove a stone from the Democratic foundation. Society demonstrates its impotence in the face of a concrete problem by removing words from the language. And I say that society is as cowardly as the people in it, who in my opinion are also too stupid for democracy.

Joe: The human qualities can be expressed in one word: Hypocrisy. We elevate those who say "right" but mean "wrong" and mock those who say "wrong" but mean "right." By the way, I can assure you that women who claim that negros don't turn them on, they're lying.

Joe: Even though only one in a million, as my dubious therapist said, succeed in mentally, bodily, and in her heart ridding herself of her sexuality, this is now my goal.

Seligman: But is that a life worth living?

Joe: It's the only way I can live it. I will stand up against all odds, just like a deformed tree on a hill. I will muster all my stubbornness, my strength, my masculine aggression.

[after getting beat up]

Joe: Fill all my holes, please.

Joe: I think this was one of your weakest digressions.

Joe: By the way, I can assure you that women who claim that negroes don't turn them on, are lying.

Seligman: So do they satisfy you, those negroes?

Joe: No, but they showed me there was a world far from mine I had to explore. And there perhaps on the other side get my life back.

Joe: How do you keep a wave upon the sand?

Joe: It's said to be difficult to take someone's life. I would've said that it's more difficult not to. For a human being, killing is the most natural thing in the world. We're created for it.

Joe: [to the Debtor Gentleman as she is about to fellate him] I'm going to tell you a few stories. All you have to do is listen.

Joe: I believe I possess some qualifications in that I'm rather unscrupulous.

L: I know all about your qualifications and they're excellent.

Joe: I seem to remember that the systematic approach to the crucifixion is of a violent and not to say sadistic nature.

Seligman: Oh yes, the passion of Christ is full of systematic violence... The Via Dolorosa, the nine stations of the cross and the 39 lashes.

Joe: Who perhaps is happy when all is said and done.

Tonio: You looked familiar to me, but I didn't know who you are. You are fantastic!

Joe: Thank you.

[to Deputy Harvey Pell]

Joe: I knew you had guts but I never figured you for brains. It takes a pretty smart man to know when to back away.

Joe: I've got no use for Kane, but he's got guts.

Bar Patron: You're mighty broadminded, Joe.

Joe: Isn't the rock star fantasy thing something you're supposed to grow out of... like around 14?

Chris: Oh, maybe if I get really lucky, I'll get to grow up and listen to Air Supply and wear jack boots.

Joe: What's wrong with Air Supply?

Chris: Nothing, if you're the cop from the Village People.

Joe: Do we get a balloon with these?

Shoe Salesman: ...Yeah

Robert: All of us or just her?

Lt. Col. Daniel Kiley: A lot of guys are gonna die to keep you safe and cozy.

Joe: You sure know how to hit below the belt, Colonel... that's dirty fighting.

Lt. Col. Daniel Kiley: This isn't a pillow fight, Joe... sorry it hurts.

Joe: If we were a hundred feet higher, I'd jump and leave you here.

Joe: What am I doing up here? It's like flying inside a light bulb.

Joe: But, my dog is about 100 pounds, brown and white, looks like a cow.

Town Woman: Looks like a cow?

Joe: Right.

Town Woman: You have a dog that looks like a cow?

Joe: Well, it's not that big a deal. A lot of dogs look like cows.

Connie: What are you thinking, Joe?

Joe: Nothing. There's nothing I can do and I hate it.

Connie: That's not true.

Joe: Yeah, it is. You look at me like I can make a move. What are you thinking when you look at me like that? Don't you care? I don't know who I am, but I know what keeps me alive is restraint. Keeps me out of jail. Keeps me from hurting people. A mark of some fucked-up faith that there's a reason. A reason for all of this. A reason in most moments I shouldn't do what I wanna do. I do as I'm told. These men who bust their asses work like dogs - and I believe in them - but every day they hurt. They get old, they peel back... There's no frontier anymore. And I watch that boy, and I see someone who's... nothing like me, but... he's a child folks left behind. And he's on a fence, balanced right there.

Connie: What do you want? What is it you want?

Joe: Nothing.

Connie: Just tell me what I can do. I like you.

Joe: I like you, too, but what's the point in any of it? Fuck to this day. I mean, fuck to this day. It's all just gonna boil up and wash us away. Maybe you'll still be here. Maybe you won't.

Joe: Ah, the dog likes you.

Gary: She has a lot of scars.

Joe: Yeah, but all the others... all the others is dead.

Joe: Hey, there you go. You look like a million bucks. You feel better now?

Gary: [wearing some of Joe's clothes] I fell like a hundred bucks.

Joe: Simplicity of the divine.

Prof. Walter Zarrow: You've read Augustine?

Joe: Not everything.

Prof. Walter Zarrow: Don't worry. No one has.

Joe: And in translation too.

Prof. Walter Zarrow: I'd be lying if I said I didn't need a moment to process where this conversation has suddenly veered.

Joe: I don't know whether I'm alive and dreaming or dead and remembering.

Joe: When it comes my turn, will you want me to go?

Father: For democracy, any man would give his only begotten son.

Joe: Inside me, I'm screaming and yelling and howling like a trapped animal... and nobody pays any attention. If I had arms, I could kill myself. If I had legs, I could run away. If I had a voice, I could talk and be some kind of company for myself. I could yell for help, but nobody would help me.

[last lines]

Joe: S.O.S. Help me.

Joe: There's a game out there, and the stakes are high. And the guy who runs it figures the averages all day long and all night long. Once in a while he lets you steal a pot. But if you stay in the game long enough, you've got to lose. And once you've lost there's no way back, no way at all.

Joe: The way I am, Kareen, the way it is with me, you'll never grow old. Because I keep you right here in my mind. And in my heart. Just the way you were when I saw you last. So you see, with me, you can't get old. Your hair will always stay brown, your skin will always be fresh like rain. I won't let one little wrinkle mark your face. I'll keep you beside me, young and beautiful forever. Because of all the people in the world, only with me will you be safe from time.

Christ: What you need is a miracle.

Joe: No, not a miracle. Just tell me that the rat is real and the way I am now is a dream.

Christ: No arms?

Joe: I havn't got anything. I'm just like a piece of meat that keeps on living.

Joe: You know when you were a kid, did your mum ever used to spray perfume in the air and sort of walk through it?

Richard: [nods]

Joe: She's like that.

Richard: Like perfume?

Joe: No... see, when you leave you still feel her on your skin.

Joe: So listen to this. I'm coming out of the bathroom, right, and these two Orientals, they're arguin', they're hollerin', they're screaming at one another. And all in Japanese. So I told 'em, I said "Ay! You're in America now, speak Spanish."

Joe: [brushing Pete's clothes off immediately after his fistfight with Steve] Please, Mister Pete, don't go gettin' yourself all riled up over things. Besides, Mister Steve and Miss Julie, they gotta play performances here.

Pete: Yeah? Well I know a thing or two; we'll see how many performances they play in this town!

Joe: Look at her, and look at me... who did what to who?

Joe: [after his fake story about him and Marjorie to her roommates] Jesus, I'm so sorry that this thing happened today. And I forgive you, Marjorie.

Marjorie: [Marjorie flies into a rage and attacks Joe, seeing the sheath for his knife] What is this? What is this?

Joe: [Pat recoils in horror as Marjorie holds it up to his face] I use it for work. I cut open boxes in the warehouse.

Marjorie: [menacingly] Cut boxes, huh?

[holds it closer to Joe's face]

Marjorie: Cuts them good, huh? It's the kind of knife they use to gut a deer.

[She cuts the phone cord binding his hands and feet together, proving its sharpness]

Patricia: [cautiously] Wait.

Marjorie: [turning on Joe with his own words] Smile.

[Joe trembles]

Marjorie: Smile. Nicer. Don't make your lips tight.

[slaps him hard]

Marjorie: Did I hurt you?

[holds knife to his throat]

Joe: [panicked] Patty, make her stop!

Marjorie: [menacing] Now, kiss me. And tell me you want to make love.

Joe: [frightened] What?

Marjorie: Say it.

[hissing]

Marjorie: Say it.

[strikes him in the face]

Marjorie: Say it.

Terry: [Pat is taking Joe out of the fireplace and helping him into a chair] Pat, I'd be careful.

Joe: [grateful] God bless you.

Joe: [Pat applies a washcloth and water to Joe's eye] Oh, God... is it bad?

Joe: [Pat nods] Am I going to go blind?

Patricia: I don't know.

Joe: What?

Patricia: I don't know!

Joe: [begging and obviously frightened] Please take me to a hospital.

Marjorie: [Margie plunges knife into chair cushion beneath Joe's crotch] Tell them what happened

[she yanks him to his feet]

Marjorie: or I'll cut them off! Tell them!

[screams]

Marjorie: Tell them! Tell them! Tell them!

Joe: [anguished] I watched the house! I stole the letters!

[he falls to his knees, Marjorie grabs him by the hair and holds his knife to his throat]

Marjorie: And what else?

Joe: [breaking down] I... I came here to kill you... and Patty... and Terry.

[Terry and Patty look on, horrified]

Joe: Linda Martinez, Paula Mikowski, Marie Parks...

[Marjorie runs knife across his throat, Joe screams and falls to floor, sobbing, but realizing he's not hurt]

Joe: Thank you... thank you. The first time I did it... my wife, she's reading the paper. She says 'Joe, did you fix the back door? 'Cause I don't want no raper coming in here.' And I says, 'don't worry honey, he don't want you'. And I fixed the back door real good... so that the raper don't get her. Oh, God.

Patricia: [tears running down her face] Marjorie...

Marjorie: Go get the police.

Terry: [Pat nods] Oh, God.

[to Marjorie]

Terry: I'll stay. I'll stay with you.

Marjorie: [softly] Go with Pat.

Terry: I'm sorry.

[Marjorie nods... they leave... she turns Joe around and guides him back to the fireplace, where he takes a fetal position... she turns on a lamp and sits down near him with a look of triumph on her face... end credits]

Joe: [after Marjorie has sprayed the insect repellent in his eyes and bound his hands, he staggers to stand] Where are you? What did you put in my fucking eyes! Bitch. You fucking bitch, I'll kill you. I'll kill you.

[walks into kitchen, where tea kettle is whistling]

Joe: Where are you, you fucking cunt?

[Marjorie pours the hot water in his face and hits him with the kettle... he falls and she binds his feet to his wrists]

Joe: What're you doing? Where are you going?

[she runs outside to Terry's car]

Joe: Go ahead! Go ahead and call the cops! You can't prove a fucking thing! You got no witnesses! You got no cum up your snatch! You got nothing, pussy! They gotta Miranda me and let me go!

Joe: I tried to tell myself I did my job. That it was in self-defense. I didn't believe me.

Joe: With your record you could do a year on this.

Frank: What can I say, I fucked up! I get in a violent way, look around a room, I wanna bust it all up!

Joe: [about Frank] Where is he?

Mr. Roberts: Columbus. Now he didn't send a card, but a girl named Dorothy. "Dear Mr. and Mrs. Roberts, Frank hit me. My daddy says he has to go to jail. But don't worry because I'm here to take care of him."

[he and Joe laugh]

Joe: My brother Frank was due back from Vietnam within the week. We hadn't seen each other since I'd lost the farm in '65, and took the uniform job to make ends meet.

Joe: We didn't see or hear from Frank for a good six months, when our lives took a turn.

Joe: You got a place to stay? You got money?

Frank: I already took forty dollars from your wallet.

Mr. Roberts: Gonna sell the house, I think.

Joe: Are you?

Mr. Roberts: Think so.

Joe: We're you thinking of living?

Mr. Roberts: There's a trailer park over on Bright's. They got a pretty good deal there.

Maria: It's nice there. They have a vegetable garden in the back where you can rent a plot. Grow your own.

Joe: This place looked better when I had it.

Frank: I'll bet it did. You know why? Because you had fire in you.

Joe: [about how he used to own farmland] I burned.

Frank: Land must churn

Joe: I burned!

Frank: It's always turned.

Joe: I burned!

Frank: They took what you earned.

Joe: [Grins] Lesson learned.

Frank: [Smiles back] Meetin' adjourned.

Joe: I thought you were done with this shit.

Frank: Well...

Joe: What about Dorothy? What about the baby? Can you touch that?

Frank: Outside party.

Joe: What?

Frank: Outside party. Give me a light.

Joe: The Martians have landed. They want our women.

Joe: Thanks, but I don't drink.

Carmen Jones: Boy, if the army was made up of nothin' but soldiers like you, war wouldn't do nobody no good.

Joe: The niggers, the niggers are gettin' all da money. Why work, tell me, why the fuck work, when you can screw, have babies, an' get paid for it?

Joe: [at the urinal] Hey, they got ice down there! I never pissed on ice before.

Joe: It's colder than a witch's tit.

Joe: Forty-two percent of all liberals are queer, that's a fact. The Wallace people did a poll.

Joe: You're mad.

Jed: That's what they said about Jesus once.

Joe: They also said it about a lot of mad people.

Joe: [lookin' up from the baby] She smiled at me.

Rachel: Don't get excited. She's just hungry. It's biology, remember.

Joe: No, it's not. It's not biology. It's fantastic.

Jed: Hey, come on. Look, I was just having a bit of fun, come on.

Joe: Fuck off.

Jed: I was just trying to cheer you up, Joe.

Joe: Fuck off.

Jed: I was just trying to cheer you up. Come on, Joe, Jo-Jo.

Joe: [Grabs Jed and shoves him up against the wall] Listen to me, listen to me. If you ever, ever, ever fucking bother me again, if you ever come anywhere fucking near me, I wil follow you, I will find you and I will gut you like a fucking fish, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

Jed: You started this, you made this happen. Why don't you admit it? You pretend it's not happening, nothing's happening? YOU FUCK! Giving me all your secret fucking signals so that I come towards you! Why don't you leave me alone, eh? What do you want? What do you want? I love you! I love you! And now you're trying to fucking DESTROY ME!

[singing and walking away]

Jed: GOD ONLY KNOWS WHERE I'D BE WITHOUT YOU!

Frank: If you want to turn two people into two-headed fire-breathing dragons overnight, just put rings on their fingers.

Rachel: Shhhhhh!

Joe: No, he's right.

Joe: Cos you-re a fucking expert aren't you?

Joe: When you're not sexing up the au pair to within an inch of her life, you're a fucking authority!

Joe: And when you're not marching on Poland, you're a fucking sage, aren't you pal?

Joe: Tell me something, tell me something, cos I always wanted to know this.

Joe: Don't you ever tire of letting your dick do the thinking?

[last lines]

Joe: I'm still... I still...

Claire: Don't, Joey.

Joe: I made it so complicated, and... And it doesn't need to be complicated. It's not complicated. It's really... I don't know what to say.

Claire: Don't say anything... Don't say anything...

Joe: When we say we're in love, what does it mean? Could it be that this complex, dazzling, transformative feeling is just an illusion? Could it be just a trick? A trick played on us by nature just to make us fuck? We imagine that love is meaningful. But, could it in fact be... meaningless?

[first lines]

Joe: Wow...

[Last lines]

Joe: How was your day? How do you feel?

[pause]

Joe: Annabel!

Annabel: I went to meet Lily. How do you feel?

Barbara: You're all very brave.

Joe: Yeah, well, we don't have much choice.

Susanna: Going away isn't a cure.

Joe: Well, I'm not sick.

Mary: Dad, it says here that Genoa used to be like the richest city in the world.

Joe: Really?

Mary: Well, yeah, they invented the bank and like all the money came to them.

Joe: So why are there so many English flags?

Barbara: They're not English. They're the flags of St George. St George is the patron saint of Genoa, and England actually just borrowed him.

Betty: Fish are his life.

Joe: Fish been very, very good to me.

Joe: If any customer finds a bone in their fish, I give them their money back plus a quarter.

Betty: I want to go places.

Joe: You want to go places? Get up at 5:00AM, I'll take you to Fulton's Fish Market.

Joe: Just because he's back, it doesn't mean we still can't be best friends.

Rascal: If you're not accomplices, then why are you in a getaway car with a criminal?

Joe: Because... because we're hostages.

Chris: Yeah - hostages. Like those guys in Iran.

Tiger: I'm supposed to kill you.

Joe: I don't care about that.

Joe: Oh my God, how long can you get sent away for attempted armed robbery?

Tiger: Not long, 6 to 12.

Chris: Years?

Liza Merrill: How long will it take?

Joe: It'll take as long as it takes.

Joe: [exploring the spooky Forbidden Zone] Do you see anything?

Bob: Nothing! Nothing in particular!

Joe: [to his friends, upon finding a hideous, lethal supernatural creature lying dormant in a dark spooky alley] There's no danger!

Ann: Tell me, are you always so quiet?

Joe: You know, when you've lived on an island for a long time, you forget how to say nice things to girls.

Ann: Well, try at once.

Joe: Well, I'm really glad that your aeroplane crashed.

Joe: I don't know any girls and when I think of the ones I do, I'd rather work.

Joe: [to Bobby] For a guy like you, the worst girl in the world is too good!

JOE: [Encountering the Nixon faced nutter wandaering along the deserted highways] Get out of the road you fucking zombie!

Joe: I hate grapes! I can't stand grapes! I loathe grapes! All kinds of grapes! I hate purple grapes! I hate green grapes! I hate grapes with seeds! I hate grapes without seeds! I hate them peeled and non-peeled! I hate grapes in bunches, one at a time, or in groups of twos and threes! I fucking hate grapes!

Joe: You are fucked now!

Joe: NO, means yes and yes means anal!

Joe: [sarcastic] "Greg, you are fucking awesome."

Joe: Without that 44 magnum penis extension, you are just another redneck, homophobic hothead with a wet weeny standing face-to-face with a bunch of sissy boys with an attitude. Now, you go brag to your buttbuddies how you kicked our asses, you closet case.

Joe, Ray, Chi, Alby, Steve, Sean, Eli, Greg: Baldeya!

[last lines]

Joe: [singing, dubbed by Jules Bledsoe] Look down, look down that lonesome road/ before you travel on./ Look up, look up, and see your Maker,/ For Gabriel blows his horn. /Weary totin' such a load,/ Trudgin' down that lonesome road,/ Look down, look down that lonesome road/ Before you travel on.

[Patsy give Gene a big kiss as a reward for rescuing her from drowning]

Joe: Let's get out of here before they start playing post office.

Joe: He's not a kid anymore - he's a vampire - I wanna drive a stake through his heart.

Joe: [to Officer "T"] Is it also a violation that I'm carrying an unlicensed firearm and weed in the glove box?

Dave Meeks: Look, I'm not saying we have to get involved. Ok? We just need to get her some help. There's a hospital just a few miles from here... we'll take her there, park the car somewhere where nobody will see us. I'll go inside and tell the staff or something that I heard someone screaming inside the trunk of the car...

Joe: Man, that's got to be the stupidest, dumbest shit...

Joe: YOU FORGET WHO YOU'RE WORKING FOR, PECKERWOOD?

Joe: Look at that fog out there. It comes down over London as though the Almighty was sick and tired of its noise and din.

Joe: It was the 80s, and I was going through a rough point at that time. The good thing about this disease is...

[referring to AIDS]

Joe: ...it makes most people start thinking about sex instead of just having it. You know what I'm saying? Many people start thinking about the other person and what they may have inside of them. I think... this disease is the best thing that ever happened to gay men because... in a certain sense it has made us human.

Joe: [on the cinematic experience] The lights go down, like sinking into a collective dream. Suddenly, you're anonymous. You get that sexual charge. Charge of excitement. Anticipation. Danger.

Joyce: What's with you?

Joe: I'm dying, actually.

Joyce: On my couch?

Joe: I was looking at her out of the corner of my eye, and she's staring right at me, which is kind of a surprise to me. And then she says, do you want to make eye babies? And I said, what's that? And she said, it's when you look at someone real close, and you can see your tiny little self in there eyes, and they can see their tiny little self in your eyes. That's eye babies. And so we made them the whole way there.

[last lines]

Joe: My chest opened up, and some great pain of void was suddenly known, and filled at the same time. It was the only pure moment I've ever known.

Joe: How far does a man have to go to be thought so dangerous that he needs to be locked away, physically separated from the rest of the world, behind stone walls and iron bars? Clearly, it is a last resort.

Thorne: I didn't come to violence casually, you know. But you get to a point where you have no choice but to take up arms against your oppressors.

Joe: True, but under Maximillian's rule we don't kill innocent bystanders

Thorne: Nobody standing by is innocent.

Joe: I know that I have done questionable things, but my role in the assassination of the president is one that even now I cannot say I entirely regret.

Joe: I met Mr. Thorne in the last days of the empire, but no one knew then that they were the last days.

Joe: How do you remember it all like that, word for word?

Thorne: My entertainment options are kind of limited.

Joe: Have you memorized anything else?

Thorne: Shakespeare, books of the Bible...

Joe: Don't do this to yourself.

Thorne: I didn't know it was self-inflicted.

Thorne: Hello Joe.

Joe: I didn't think you'd remember me, sir.

Thorne: Look at you, they made you an officer.

Joe: Yes sir. And I got married too.

Thorne: Congratulations.

[repeated line]

Joe: Nothing better than a big, juicy steak.

Joe: People are being sent to the re-education camps because they wear glasses! Children are rewarded for turning their parents into the secret police!

Joe: [about Thorne's condition] You should see a doctor. Oops, sent them all to the re-education camps.

Thorne: Oh don't be infantile! We're trying to build a new society!

Joe: They say I am a war criminal, but everything I did, I did for my country.

Joe: This wasn't my first choice.

Thorne: You wanna go fight terrorists?

Joe: Yes, sir.

Thorne: You don't approve of what we do?

Joe: Officially, sir, I have no opinion.

Thorne: Then you should look into getting one.

Joe: I thought you said you'd never live in this gingerbread monstrosity.

Thorne: Tell me about it. But I'm working all the time, it was easier for me to live here.

Joe: Running a revolution keeps you busy huh?

Thorne: You know it's nearly a full-time job. Give me just a minute will you?

[Goes onto the computer at the desk]

Thorne: You know I don't know how anybody wrote anything before there were computers. Can you imagine the struggle that Dickens or Tolstoy must have gone through writing those nine hundred-page novels with a pen?

Joe: As far as I recall, you once wrote with even less.

Joe: From the start, Junior ruled in the shadow of his late father. Papa Max had been a Grade A son of a bitch if ever there was one. Who would have thought we would look back on his reign as the good old days?

Joe: For all his brutality, Papa Max was clever enough to make us believe that his tyranny was for our benefit. Junior, on the other hand, had been born day-old stupid and had been losing ground ever since.

Thorne: We all gave up something for a better world.

Joe: You gave up your son.

Thorne: D'you ever hear about the Oracle that warned Papa Max that one day his wife was gonna give birth to a son who was gonna kill him and destroy the empire?

Joe: Yeah. I heard that.

Thorne: And they wonder why Junior is a psychopath! You would be too if your father tried to stick a coat-hanger through your head when you were a fetus.

Doc: So are you going to do yourself a favour and sign the loyalty oath?

Joe: No.

Doc: I 'm a man of science Joe, and all this revolutionary mumbo-jumbo; I was hired to employ the scientific method. My job right now is to uncover the root of this conspiracy based on the evidence.

Joe: You have evidence?

Doc: No, that's how I know there's a conspiracy.

Joe: What?

Doc: If there wasn't a conspiracy there would be evidence, that's how effective the conspiracy is.

Joe: Before the revolution: Man oppressed Man. Now it's the other way 'round

Joe: I don't think it's nice, you laughin'. You see, my mule don't like people laughing. He gets the crazy idea you're laughin' at him. Now if you apologize, like I know you're going to, I might convince him that you really didn't mean it.

[Having said "get three coffins ready" earlier]

Joe: My mistake. Four coffins...

Joe: When a man's got money in his pocket he begins to appreciate peace.

Joe: You see, I understand you men were just playin' around, but the mule, he just doesn't get it. Course, if you were to all apologize...

[Men Laugh]

Joe: I don't think it's nice, you laughin'. You see, my mule don't like people laughing. He gets the crazy idea you're laughin' at him. Now if you apologize, like I know you're going to, I might convince him that you really didn't mean it.

Marisol: Why are you doing this for us?

Joe: Because I knew someone like you once and there was no one there to help. Now, get moving.

Joe: When a man with .45 meets a man with a rifle, you said, the man with a pistol's a dead man. Let's see if that's true. Go ahead, load up and shoot.

[last lines]

Joe: Mmh. Well, guess your government will be glad to see that gold back.

Silvanito: And you? You don't want to be here when they get it, eh?

Joe: You mean the Mexican goverment on one side? Maybe the Americans on the other side? Me right smack in the middle? Uhn-hn. Too dangerous. So long.

Silvanito: Adios.

Joe: You shoot to kill, you better hit the heart. Your own words, Ramon.

[Ramon fires off two shots, but The Man With No Name stands right back up]

Joe: The heart, Ramon. Don't forget the heart. Aim for the heart, or you'll never stop me.

Joe: Get three coffins ready.

Joe: To kill a man you shoot him in the heart. Isn't that what you said, Ramon?

Joe: Baxter's over there, Rojo's there, me right smack in the middle.

Silvanito: If you are thinking what I suspect, I tell you, don't try it!

Joe: Crazy bell-ringer was right. There's money to be made in these parts.

[after a pause]

Joe: Which of the two is stronger?

Silvanito: Which of them is stronger? Well... the Rojos. Especially Ramon.

Esteban Rojo: My name is Esteban Rojo, my bother asked me to... what are you doing?

Joe: Moving.

Esteban Rojo: Don't you know all our men sleep here with us?

Joe: Well that's all very cozy, but I don't find you men all that appealing.

Joe: Every town has a boss.

Silvanito: Yes, but when there are two around, I'd say there is one too many!

Don Miguel Rojo: That's the right idea? You didn't misunderstand?

Joe: I get the wrong idea only when it suits me.

Ramon Rojo: You are well informed, eh?

Joe: A man's life in these parts often depends on a mere scrap of information. Your brother's own words.

Ramon Rojo: Tell me. Why are you doing this for us?

Joe: [Holds out his hand with a response that is almost a question] Five hundred dollars.

Joe: [after saving Marisol and her family and giving them money]

Marisol: Why do you do it for us?

Joe: Why? I knew someone like you once. There was no one to there to help. Now get moving.

Silvanito: [Joe asks who Marisol is] She is a woman. And Ramon is madly in love with her.

Joe: Everyone talks about Ramon. Kind of curious to meet him.

Silvanito: If you are smart, you will stay clear of Ramon for as long as possible!

Joe: Crazy bellringer was right, there's money to be made in a place like this.

Sheriff Elmo Reagan: But you can't, an Indian sheriff? Only ones elected in this country are Americans.

Joe: My father was born here, in the mountains. His father before him and his father before him and his father before him. Where was your father born?

Sheriff Elmo Reagan: Ulp, what's that to do with it?

Joe: I said, where was he born?

Sheriff Elmo Reagan: Uuh, in Scotland.

Joe: My father was born here, in America. His father before him and his father before him and his father before him. Now which of us is American?

Red Ryder: Any company mail for Elkhorn?

Joe: [shakes head] And there isn't much company either, since the bottom fell out of silver - just me and those keys.

[indicates telegraph set]

Joe: About all the good they're for is for them to telegraph me from Pueblo when they're ready to say I'm fired.

[first lines]

Joe: [shooting with scoped rifle] There, I got it.

Johnny: You sure? Can you see him?

Joe: Pretty sure, I saw him flop over.