Joanie Quotes in Muriel's Wedding (1994)

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Joanie Quotes:

  • [repeated line]

    Joanie: You're terrible, Muriel.

  • Joanie: I guess there's no such thing as safe sex with a werewolf.

  • Joanie: Putting on weight, Kyle?

  • Joanie: I'm not going to kill her. I'm just gonna rip her to shreds and let her choke on her own blood... and then maybe I'll eat her.

  • Joanie: Why do men always go for the tortured ones? Poor, damaged Ellie.

    Ellie: [hits Joanie in face with brick] Fuck you!

  • Joanie: [Jimmy has just asked to fight one-one-one with Joanie, but Joanie sends him flying] Fair fight? This is Hollywood!

  • Joanie: All I got was a couple dates, some hot sex and an "It's not you it's me".

  • Latisha Rogers: You do know he was having an affair?

    Joanie: I believe I said as much.

    Latisha Rogers: You're also aware you have a life insurance policy on him.

    Joanie: And he's got one on me too.

    Latisha Rogers: Ma'am, do you ever want your husband gone?

    Joanie: Excuse Mommy for one second.

    [covers her son's ears with her hands]

    Joanie: [to Rogers] You think you can walk into my home and disrespect me and my family? I will take you down so quick your undies will be strung around your neck like a doily. And if you think I'm gonna suddenly burst into tears and tell you all my deepest, darkest secrets, well, then you're just lame-brained enough to think that you know anything about my family. And god knows from looking at you, you don't have a clue about what it means to be a good wife.

    Latisha Rogers: You right. I don't know.

    Joanie: DON'T placate me. I will slap that smug look off your face before you can get your fat ass off my couch. Now I don't know how a functionally retarded person got a police badge but unless you've come to arrest me, you can waddle out of here with the rest of the birds.

    [uncovers her son's ears and smiles]

    Joanie: And make sure John gets home safe and sound. And go ahead and grab a girl scout cookie on your way out. They're fat-free.

    Latisha Rogers: [turns to leave, then stops] Just curious. Why'd you let your daughter listen and cover your son's ears?

    Joanie: So she knows how to defend herself and he remembers how to speak to a lady.

    Latisha Rogers: [leaves the house, closes the front door behind her] Well, shit.

  • [last lines]

    Joanie: Everything is going to be okay, isn't it John?

    John: [no response]

    John: [turns off the light and begins whistling just like Richie]

  • John: I'm doing everything I can, okay.

    Joanie: What if that's not enough?

    John: Well, it has to be.

Browse more character quotes from Muriel's Wedding (1994)

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Characters on Muriel's Wedding (1994)