Joan Wilder Quotes in Romancing the Stone (1984)

Jack T. Colton: My minimum price for taking a stranded lady to a telephone is 400 dollars.

Joan Wilder: Will you take 375 in traveler's checks?

Jack T. Colton: American Express?

Joan Wilder: Of course.

Jack T. Colton: You've got a deal.

Joan Wilder: What is all this?

Jack T. Colton: All this? About five to life in the States, a couple of centuries down here.

Joan Wilder: Oh, marijuana.

Jack T. Colton: Oh, you smoke it?

Joan Wilder: [defensively] I went to college.

Joan Wilder: These were Italian.

Jack T. Colton: Now they're practical.

Grogan: [First lines] What's it gonna be, Angelina?

Joan Wilder: [voiceover narration] It was Grogan: the filthiest, dirtiest, *dumbest* excuse for a man west of the Missouri River.

Grogan: So, you can die two ways, angel: quick like the tongue of a snake, or slower than the molasses in January.

Joan Wilder: [voiceover narration] But it was October.

Grogan: I'll kill you, goddammit, if it's the Fourth of July! Where is it? Uhh. Get over there!

Joan Wilder: [voiceover narration] I told him to get out, now that he had what he came for.

Grogan: Not quite, angel.

[spits]

Grogan: Take 'em off. Do it! Come on!

[Angelina kills Grogan by throwing a concealed knife]

Joan Wilder: [voiceover] That was the end of Grogan... the man who killed my father, raped and murdered my sister, burned my ranch, shot my dog, and stole my Bible! But if there was one law of the west: Bastards had brothers, who seemed to ride forever.

Jack T. Colton: I understand you have a car. We would like to buy it or rent it, we need to get to a town.

Juan: What do you call this I'm living in, a pigsty?

Jack T. Colton: Oh, no this is great...

Juan: Hit the road.

Jack T. Colton: No, senor, see we...

Juan: Hit-the-road.

Jack T. Colton: But we...

Juan: [Points a gun at him] Vaya con Dios, gringo.

Jack T. Colton: [Jack and Joan back off and turn around, to find that all of Juan's men have pulled guns on them too] Okay, Joan Wilder, write us out of this one.

Juan: Joan Wilder... Joan Wilder? *The* Joan Wilder?

[Lowering gun, opening door and walking out]

Juan: You are Joan Wilder, the novelist?

Joan Wilder: Well, yes, I am.

Juan: I read your books! I read all your books!

[Turning to his men, in Spanish]

Juan: This is Joan Wilder, who writes the books I read to you on Saturdays!

Bad Hombre: [awestruck] Juanita... Juanita, it's Juanita!

[all the men put away their guns and wave enthusiastically]

Joan Wilder: Why won't you take the elevator?

Mrs. Irwin: Oh, pumpkin, I never get into an elevator alone. You know... rapists.

[after reading Joan's new novel based on her adventure]

Gloria: Joanie, you are now a WORLD-CLASS hopeless romantic.

Joan Wilder: No, hopeful. Hopeful romantic.

Joan Wilder: You're the best time I've ever had.

Jack T. Colton: I've never been anybody's best time.

[last lines]

[Jack shows off his new crocodile skin boots made from the crocodile he has killed]

Joan Wilder: I like your boots.

Jack T. Colton: Yup, that poor old yellow-tailed guy... developed a fatal case of indigestion. He died right in my arms.

Joan Wilder: I can't blame him. If I were to die there's nowhere on earth I'd rather be.

Jack T. Colton: I couldn't stop thinking about you. I even read one of your books.

Joan Wilder: Then you know how they all end.

Jack T. Colton: Yeah. Hi.

Joan Wilder: Hi.

[they kiss passionately]

Joan Wilder: You're a mondo dismo!

Jack T. Colton: I'm... what am I? I'm what?

Joan Wilder: You're a man who takes money from stranded women!

Jack T. Colton: Wait a minute, he's after you. Who the hell are you?

Joan Wilder: Well, I'm a romance novelist.

Jack T. Colton: You're what? What are you doing here?

Joan Wilder: I told you, my sister's life depends on me.

Jack T. Colton: Ah, don't give me that shit. I thought you were donating a kidney or something.

Joan Wilder: Can we get there in your car?

Juan: Who told you I had a car?

Joan Wilder: The men in the village.

Juan: They told you I had a car? They are such comedians. They meant my little mule: Pepe.

Joan Wilder: Excuse me, mister. Can you tell where can I get to a telephone?

Jack T. Colton: No, lady. I don't have any idea. I'm sorry.

Joan Wilder: But it's very important that I get to one.

Jack T. Colton: Well, we've all got our problems today. Don't we?

Joan Wilder: Can you tell me where the nearest town is?

Jack T. Colton: English speaking? How about Miami?

Joan Wilder: Will there be another bus?

Jack T. Colton: Another bus? This is it.

[looks around a deserted, dirt mountain road]

Jack T. Colton: You've got rush hour.

Joan Wilder: I need to get to Cartagena.

Jack T. Colton: Cartagena? Angel, you are hell and gone from Cartagena. Cartagena's over there on the coast.

Joan Wilder: But they told me this bus...

Jack T. Colton: Who told you that? Who told you this bus was going to Cartagena?

Joan Wilder: That man...

Jack T. Colton: That nice man who pulled a gun on you? What else did he tell you?

Jack T. Colton: [looking at a photo of his dream yacht whilst lying in bed with Joan] Someday if I had the money, I'd take you... we'd sail away... around the world and back again. I promise you. I promise you we'll do that.

[they kiss and Joan holds Jack more tightly]

Joan Wilder: Why haven't you taken the map away from me?

Jack T. Colton: What are you talking about?

Joan Wilder: I saw that tree today, the Devil's Fork, it's on the map. You know how close we are?

Jack T. Colton: Yeah sure I do. What's that got to do with it?

Joan Wilder: I was thinking about something you said... about having more to bargain with.

Jack T. Colton: Yeah. The best way to help your sister is to get that treasure and if you waltz into Cartagena you're holding all the cards.

Joan Wilder: [looks at the picture of the yacht, then back at Jack] I'd love to see you on that boat. But Jack if we have to give it up... to save Elaine?

Jack T. Colton: Then we give it up. I mean it's your sister. Hell yeah. Of course we give it up. That's the point. At least we've got the leverage to do it.

Joan Wilder: [looks at the picture of the yacht again, then back at Jack] OK. OK. Let's got for it.

[they kiss]

Joan Wilder: What about the bridge?

Jack T. Colton: That ain't a bridge. That's goddamned pre-Columbian art!

Jack T. Colton: [picking up a magazine] Dammit man, the Doobie Brothers broke up! Shit! When did that happen?

Joan Wilder: How long have you been down here?

Jack T. Colton: Forever.

Joan Wilder: What I would really like - would be a phone.

Juan Alvarez: No. No. No. No. No phones. No phones. I hate phones. I don't have a phone. But, have a drink! Let's hang out!

Joan Wilder: Well, wait a minute, now. Going for the stone was my idea.

Ralph: Ah, that's what all the good con artists want you to think. He made you think you needed it, you sap!

Joan Wilder: Which way to do we go?

Jack T. Colton: Follow that stone!

Joan Wilder: You're leaving? You're leaving me?

Jack T. Colton: You're gonna be all right, Joan Wilder.

[they kiss]

Jack T. Colton: You always were.

Gloria: [Observing men in a bar] Wimp. Wimp. Loser. Loser. Major loser. Too angry. Too vague. Too desperate. God, too happy. Oh, look at this guy. Mr. Mondo Dismo. I actually used to date him. Total sleaze bucket. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hold everything. Get a load of this character. What about him?

Joan Wilder: No, he's - he's just not...

Gloria: Who? Jessie?

Joan Wilder: Maybe it's silly, but, I know there is somebody out there for me.

Jack T. Colton: I think I'm going to throw another key on the fire.

Joan Wilder: No, please, I'm getting dizzy.

Joan Wilder: What do you want? Seriously? I'd really like to know.

Jack T. Colton: Came down here in a coffee boat, about a year and a half ago. Right. Christ, what job that was. But, I couldn't get over that ocean, though, you know. Yeah. I love the ocean. You know you just got to get out there - all by yourself - nobody else around. It's beautiful. So, that's what I want. Try to get enough money together to buy a boat and sail around the world.

Joan Wilder: So, you're just gonna sail away? All by yourself?

Jack T. Colton: Yeah.

Joan Wilder: Sounds lonely, Jack T. Colton. - - Well, what does the T stand for?

Jack T. Colton: Trustworthy.

Joan Wilder: Friendly, aren't they.

Jack T. Colton: Drug runners. Just try to look mean.

Jack T. Colton: [as he's about to leave Joan] All right. Here's what we got to do. Get to the American Consulate. Just tell them everything.

Joan Wilder: Where are you going?

Jack T. Colton: They might believe you, but just one thing: don't mention my name. Cartagena cops and I go way back.

[the Jewel is woken up by Joan chipping away at the bars of their cell with a two-by-four plank]

Jewel: What are you doing?

Joan Wilder: In my last novel, 'Angelina and the Savage Secret' Angelina used a nail file to chip away at the bars of her cell to remove them and escape to freedom.

Jewel: How long did this take?

Joan Wilder: Two pages.

Omar: Jack is dead.

Joan Wilder: Don't be ridiculous! Jack would never die without telling me.

Omar: Nevertheless, he's dead.

Jewel: We are sworn, Just Joan.

Joan Wilder: Right, but it's just "Joan."

Jewel: Right - Just Joan.

[Omar has put Jack and Joan in a deathtrap copied from one of Joan's own books]

Jack Colton: So how'd they get out?

Joan Wilder: What?

Jack Colton: In "The Savage Secret".

Joan Wilder: Oh. Um... Jesse had a knife hidden in his boot. You wouldn't happen to have a knife, would you?

Jack Colton: I'm not even wearing underwear.

Joan Wilder: Jack!

Jack T. Colton: Hold tight, I'm coming!

Jack T. Colton: I thought you said you wanted to sail around the world with me?

Joan Wilder: Well, I do, but, but not all of it this week. I mean, Jack, this is just becoming a blur. Exotic ports. And great parties. And spectacular sunsets. It's not enough.

Joan Wilder: How much romance can one woman take?

Joan Wilder: My heart just isn't in it. I mean, romance just doesn't seem real to me anymore.

Gloria: Real? You don't write real - you write about people that sail off into the god damn sunset.

Joan Wilder: Well, what about the next day, when the sun comes up?

Gloria: There is no next day! That's why it's a romance. You've got to stop confusing real life with a romantic novel!

Joan Wilder: I read about you.

Omar: Yes. I know, Time magazine. Well, I'm afraid the western press cannot understand the spirit of my vision. You are a writer. You can understand.

Joan Wilder: I'm going to write the truth about you!

Omar: The truth? If I wanted the truth, I would have hired 60 Minutes.

[Jack, Joan and the Jewel are under fire from Omar's soldiers]

Jack Colton: Okay, now let's go.

Joan Wilder: [refering to the Jewel] Wait a minute, Jack. He's coming with us.

Jack Colton: Don't start with me, Joan! I've come halfway across Africa to rescue you!

Joan Wilder: Resuce me? I was doing fine without you!

Jewel: [to Jack] Please, I am guide. I can help you.

Jack Colton: I don't need a guide! I need a miracle!

Jack Colton: Why does everything got to be your way?

Joan Wilder: My way? It wasn't my idea to take off and sail around the world with you on your boat for the last six months!

Jewel: I like this. You talk to each other like this often?

Jack Colton: [to the Jewel] Well, let me tell you what I had to put up. Three months ago, we're moored off the Canary Islands, midnight, sound asleep. A boat of three crazed Joan Wilder fans decide that they want the anchor of the Angeline for a souvenir! We were drifting for days!

Joan Wilder: Well, do you remember the incident at Gibraltar, Jack?

Jack Colton: Oh, come on. Not that again.

Joan Wilder: He has to meet me at the governor's mansion for a formal dinner, and you show up with the entire Italian National League Basketball team!

Jack Colton: Hey, they were hungry.

Jewel: [happily, as they run from assassin's bullets] Are we *jogging*?

Joan Wilder: [panting] We are jogging!

Joan Wilder: If you don't tell me what the hell is going on around here, I am going to be on the first plane back to New York!

Omar: It's impossible. Tomorrow we journey to Kadhir where the following night I will proclaim myself Emperor of the Nile. You must be there with me. It will be your most important chapter.

Joan Wilder: I can't write this book if you keep secrets from me.

Omar: What secrets?

Joan Wilder: Al Jewehalla.

[Omar suddenly flinches and faces Joan]

Omar: [alarmed tone] Where did you hear that?

Joan Wilder: Never mind. What is the Jewel?

Omar: [resumes speaking in a pleasant tone] The Jewel is a legend. I am real. Do not be distracted from your mission, Joan Wilder. Relax. Make yourself comfortable. You stay here with me until our book is done.

Joan Wilder: [incredilous] What? You have no right to keep me here against my will!

Omar: Then go. You're free to leave. Should you leave, I will not stop you... but I will not provide transportation to any airport, train station or port for you. Besides, only the worst kind of fool will attempt to cross our desert alone.