Joan Stupid Quotes in The Stupids (1996)

Joan Stupid: Stanley, you must beware of the Drive B.

Stanley Stupid: What's a Drive B?

Joan Stupid: We don't know, but whatever error you make with it could be fatal.

Stanley Stupid: [notices a bee landing on his steering wheel] What are you doing, you darn bee? Can't you see I'm trying to drive? Oh, my God! The drive bee!

Buster Stupid: What if we formed our own army?

Petunia Stupid: Then we'd have to form our own country.

Joan Stupid: We could call it Stupidia.

Joan Stupid: Oh dear I left the garbage out over night.

Stanley Stupid: [looking inside cans] Oh no. Someone's stolen our garbage again.

Joan Stupid: Note to self: must buy hand held tape recorder. Then I will no longer be speaking into the garage door opener.

[Stanley tries to start it using an invisible key]

Stanley Stupid: The car won't start.

Buster Stupid: Maybe the battery is dead.

Joan Stupid: It was perfectly healthy this morning.

Joan Stupid: As your president of Stupidia, I appoint Stanley Stupid head of the army.

[Stanley who just escaped from the base, raced to the car]

Joan Stupid: Your first assignment is to go onto that army base and rescue my husband.

Buster Stupid: And rescue our dad.

Stanley Stupid: I'm afraid those two will have to wait, we've got to get to a place called Warehouse 21.

Policeman: [on the phone] Hello, is this Mrs. Stupid?

Joan Stupid: Yes.

Policeman: We have your children here, Ma'am.

Joan Stupid: Oh my God, it's true. The police have kidnapped my children!

Glamorous Actress: Some people think it's easy being a celebrity, but when they canceled my series "Malibu Beach Detective", I was just absolutely devastated.

[the "Applause" sign comes on and the audience applauds]

Late Night Show Host: Well, I'm sure everyone is very sympathetic for you. You've put so much work into such a fine series to have it taken off the air.

Glamorous Actress: As an artist, I was truly crushed.

[the "Applause" sign comes on again and the audience applauds]

Glamorous Actress: It was the most awful, shocking, heartbreaking thing that's ever happened to me!

[backstage, Petunia is unkowingly flipping the switch that turns the "Applause" sign on and off]

Petunia Stupid: Mom, I can't get this light switch to work.

Joan Stupid: Just a moment dear.

[she writes "Give it to the fat guy" on a blank cue card]

Joan Stupid: Now, let's take a look.

[she fiddles with the switch and the sign comes on, with audience applauding]

Glamorous Actress: Well, maybe you'd all be happier if there was no primetime television.

[Joan fiddles with the switch some more; the audience keeps applauding]

TV Director: What's going on?

Glamorous Actress: You could spend every night reading books together.

[Joan flips the switch; the audience applauds; the Glamourous Actress leaves]

Late Night Show Host: Well, my next guest is a world-class French chef, so stay tuned, everyone, and let's...

[reads from cue card which is actually a reminder note from Joan Stupid]

Late Night Show Host: Give it to the fat guy!

French Chef: Fat? Fat? Moi, fat?

[yells in French]

French Chef: [he starts shaking the host around while Joan flips the switch one last time and the audience applauds]