Joan Quotes in The Punisher (2004)


Joan Quotes:

  • The Punisher: I have work to do. Read your newspaper everyday and you'll understand.

    Joan: Which section?

    The Punisher: Obituaries.

  • Joan: What makes you any different from them?

    The Punisher: They have something to lose.

  • Joan: I know what it's like. I know what it's like to make your memories go away. You can make new memories; good ones. Good memories can save your life.

    The Punisher: I'm not what you're lookin' for.

  • Joan: [watching Frank work on his car] He hasn't slept all week.

    Bumpo: How do you know?

    Joan: 'Cause I haven't slept all week.

  • Joan: I know it's not Thanksgiving, but I'd like for us to say what we're thankful for. I'll start, I'm thankful to be alive, to have a job, and to be sober.

    Spacker Dave: Yeah, I'm thankful for my mom... getting out of jail, which is cool, and this girl who gave me her number, which is also cool.

    Bumpo: Thanks for leftovers, full. Thanks for Diet Pepsi, and thanks for good neighbors.

    [Awkward silence. Everyone looks at Frank, who has hurriedly cleaned his plate already]

    Frank Castle: Thanks for dinner.

  • [Jack, Joan, and the Jewel are being shot at]

    Jewel: Do not worry. I'm sure it's not my destiny to die on this mountain.

    Joan: What about us?

    Jewel: [pause] That's another ball game.

  • [After one of the Moon Men is killed while onboard Cody's Rocket.]

    Joan: What are they going to to with him?

    Pilot: It's just like a burial at sea, Joan. He'll just float around and around.

  • Joan: What are you doing?

    Justin: I just wanted to make sure you're alright.

    Joan: Well, I'm alright do you need any...

    [Justin walks towards her]

    Justin: What's the matter? Do you think I'm gonna hurt you?

    Joan: Look, there's no offense, but I really... I don't... I really don't know you.

    Justin: You're afraid of me, aren't you?

    Joan: [she slowly backs up the stairs] No, I just want you to leave. I... want you to leave.

    Justin: Well, I... just want to take your picture.

    [he pulls out a camera]

    Justin: You're pretty, okay?

    Joan: No! Look, you're wife, she's outside waiting for you!

    Justin: [Justin slowly lowers the camera] That's not my wife.

    Joan: [she pushes a lamp at him] Get out!

    [Joan runs up the stairs]

    Justin: Don't you ever run away from me!

  • Roger: I didn't expect a...

    Joan: A woman? Why not a woman? Women are far more unscrupulous than men.

  • Joan: [pushing his gurney] Would you mind if I asked you a favor?

    Mark O'Brien: What, you need help moving furniture?

  • Joan: Thanks for being here.

    Neal Cassady: Where else was I gonna go? Got all I need right here.

  • Joan: Carry a laser down the road that I must travel!

    Kip: Why would it be 'carry a laser'?

    Joan: Because it's a song about outer space.

  • Tom: Joan, good to see you, it's been too long. I think, uh, Easter, wasn't it?

    Joan: Yes, you slept with our maid.

    Tom: She told you. I didn't know she spoke English.

  • Joan: Can I give you a hand?

    Jack Butler: You can give me two I don't know what the hell I'm doing

  • Annette: [as Jack is driving away from the super market] He's married!

    Joan: So were we, once!

  • Joan: Let me tell you about flannel.

  • Joan: [Shows her cards to Jack; open cleavage] Are these any good?

    Jack Butler: [Trying hard to not look down Joan's blouse] You got two pair... You got... Plenty

  • Jennifer Tilly: [chucky jumps off a box and makes a thud noise] Did you hear that?

    Joan: Maybe you should forget the director and fuck the exterminator.

  • Jennifer Tilly: Hell would be ending up on an episode of Celebrity Fear Factor in a worm eating contest with Anna Nicole Smith!

    Joan: In which you would win...

  • Joan: You're prostituting yourself to play the Virgin Mary!

  • Debbie: [at dinner with Joan and Bernie] Wow, this looks great. You guys really went all out.

    Joan: Thank you!

    Bernie: Well... uh, it's a very special evening.

    Debbie: Are you pregnant?

    Bernie: What- what? Hell no; don't you say no shit like that.

  • Bernie: Yo, you are sick. You're gone, Joan. If you didn't have a pussy, there would be a bounty out on your head!

    Joan: You are a psychopathic social misfit who's clearly in the middle of a deep homosexual panic.

    Bernie: Oh, if I'm gay, it's only because after fucking you for three months, that seemed like the next logical step to take! I would rather chase another man's ass than fuck you again, Joan!

  • Joan: Hey, get on top.

    Bernie: I'm not getting on top. You gotta get on top.

    Joan: I got on top the last time.

    Bernie: Rock, paper, scissors, loser get on top.

    Joan: Okay

    Bernie: All right, on three... That's a tie so we gotta go from the side.

  • Joan: Tomorrow you know, they're going to come at me like marauding beasts bent on destruction.

    Debbie: Stop it.

    Joan: Deborah, you work in advertising... a civilized business. I on the other hand work with monsters.

    Debbie: You're talking about 5 year olds!

    Joan: Right! and my job is to break their spirit. That is what kindergarten is all about. The Germans invented it, think about it.

  • [Joan reads a story at Kindergarten]

    Joan: 'And the Virgin Mary descended upon... '

    Kid #1: What's a virgin?

    Joan: A virgin is someone who's never had sex.

    Kid #2: What's sex?

    Joan: Sex is something men and women do to make a baby.

    Kid #3: Are you a virgin?

    Joan: No.

    Kid #3: Do you have a baby?

    Joan: No. People who don't want babies also have sex.

    Kid #3: What for?

    Joan: For about 10 or 15 minutes.

  • Bernie: You know something Joan, if you didn't have a pussy there'd be a bounty on your head.

    Joan: And you are a schizophrenic, psychopathic, maladjusted social misfit who is clearly in the middle of a very deep homosexual panic.

    Bernie: So you want to dance or what?

  • Bernie: What do you do?

    Joan: Me?

    Bernie: Well, yeah for a living?

    Joan: I'm a neurosurgeon, you?

    Bernie: I'm a prizefighter. Do you know much about boxing?

    Joan: No...

    Bernie: I'm the heavyweight champion of the world.

  • Joan: So, did you have a nice evening?

    Debbie: Yes. And I crawled away in shame.

    Joan: Oh, aren't we a couple of sluts?

    [Both giggle]

    Debbie: I can't believe I slept with him on the first date!

    Joan: It wasn't even a date, Deb.

    Debbie: [rolls eyes] Thank you.


    Debbie: I tell you, though. I couldn't help myself, because he is *so* gorgeous.

    Joan: But can he type?

  • Joan: Look, if he forgets to call one day, no big deal; two days, it's an oversight. Honey, he hasn't called you in three days; he's sleeping with somebody else.

  • Joan: Oh god, Pat's going in for the kill. Oh my! That was a nice turn.

    Debbie: With just a hint of giddiness.

    Joan: Her big move should be coming up any moment. The combination hair flip with a giggle.

    Debbie: There is a 3.2 level of difficulty here. Joan let's see if she can pull it off.

    Joan: This is it... this is it... Oh Yes!

    Debbie: Oh Yes! Yes! Oh Bravo! Bravo! 9.0!

  • Debbie: That 2nd baseman's got a really nice ass.

    Joan: I refuse to go out with a man whose ass is smaller than mine.

  • Man in Joan's Apartment: [emerging from bedroom half-dressed] What's breakfast?

    Joan: Egg McMuffin. Corner of Broadway and Belmont.

  • Joan: Oh, God! Another smoker! Look, do you mind?

    Danny: Oh, sorry, didn't know you were eating.

    [Joan snuffs the cigarette in the sink]

    Joan: There. I just added another seven minutes to your life... it's alright, I don't expect a thank you.

    Danny: Thank you.

  • [about a workshop on relationships]

    Joan: Men and women - sharing, working out their hate.

    Debbie: I'm sick of hating. I mean, God, Joan. I don't think I have any hate left.

    Joan: Yes you do - you just don't know it.

  • Danny: Oh, you're not leavin' are ya?

    Joan: No, we're walking in backwards.

  • Joan: Give me a gin and tonic.

    Mother Malone: Last call was ten minutes ago...

    Joan: Give me a gin and tonic or I will kill you.

    Mother Malone: Just one.

  • Joan: So, worried much about western civilization?

    Danny: Not really. Not tonight.

    Joan: It's collapsing, or hadn't you notice?

    Danny: I live in a pretty good neighborhood.

  • [Danny makes fun of Joan when she comes in with a cake]

    Danny: Joanie! God, she looks grea... Oh, and she baked us a pie!

    Joan: Your vulgarian friend is downstairs, denting innocent people's fenders.

    Danny: [shouts down the stair hallway] Yoooo, Litko!

  • Debbie: You know, they're gonna come at me tomorrow, like savages; marauding beasts, bent on destruction.

    Debbie: You're talking about 5-year-olds.

    Joan: Yes, and my job is to break their spirit. that's what kindergarten is all about. The Germans invented it Deborah, think about that.

  • Keenan: What did I ever do to deserve you?

    Joan: Usually that line is screamed at me by someone running out the door, not by someone standing in front of me and staying. It makes for a nice change.

  • Keenan: That's the ugliest cat I've ever seen.

    Joan: She's an angel.

    Keenan: She only has one eye.

    Joan: Yeah, but it's her good one.

  • Keenan: This may sound corny, but... you don't want me. I'm damaged goods.

    Joan: So? We're all damaged goods.

  • Joan: You can't treat people the way you treat them and then say something adorable like that.

  • Joan: The lad doesn't say much and when he does, he finds just the right words to crush my soul.

  • Joan: Talking about love is like dancing about architecture.

  • Keenan: I can't stop thinking about you.

    Joan: I love conversations that start with the guy saying "I can't stop thinking about you." Mind you I've never actually been on the receiving end of any of those conversations...

    Keenan: Just looking at you makes me happy.

    Joan: I have - I have to sit down.

    [almost knocks over the chair sitting down]

    Keenan: When we're together, whether or not I show it, I just can't wait to hear the next words out of your mouth. But right now I need to ask you to do something for me.

    Joan: Anything.

    Keenan: Shut up.

  • Joan: I feed the fucking thing. I take her to the vet, all you do is pet her twice a day... which is a HELL of a lot more than you've been doing to me lately.

  • Joan: You don't say much, do you?

    Keenan: Does anyone when they're with you?

  • Max: I uh... I like your tight body. It looks like it would do what I tell it.

    Joan: What?

    Max: I said...

    Joan: No, I heard what you said. And I'll admit 'What?' was a rather banal, cliché, noncolorful response. What I really meant to say was: 'Why don't you do the world a big fat fucking favor and crawl back into your mother's womb?'

  • Joan: No, no, STOP. I've waited my entire life for somebody that I cared about to tell me they loved me and if you think you're getting out of this car now, you're INSANE.

  • Joan: Last time I saw Harry he was wearing a blue sweater and an idiotic expression. The sweater was new.

  • Max: Some girls like you to say things like that to them.

    Joan: Some girls like you to take a dump on them. I'm neither one of those girls.

  • Joan: [to waitress] I'll have a vodka martini, very dry, straight up. three olives, and... my sullen friend here will have...

    Keenan: A Coke.

    Joan: The poster boy for designated drivers will have a *Coke.*

  • Joan: When was having sex or not having sex not a problem?

  • Joan: I want to get rid of you as much as I want to get rid of that crap from Ikea.

  • Joan: Blanche can look at you with a gaze of unflappable superiority that springs from total detachment and disinterest... not unlike how you're looking at me know.

  • Keenan: This... isn't anything. It's not anything now and it won't be anything ever.

    Joan: WOW. Message received, end of date.

  • [On the Phone]

    Joan: What, is that a rhetorical question? Why is my life so complicated? Gee, I don't know. Why is your life so fucking simple?

  • Paul: [a waiter arrives with a tray of champagne] Ah, champagne!

    [Paul offers a glass to Joan]

    Paul: Jo-Jo?

    Joan: [smiling self-consciously, waves it away] Oh, um, Dad, that's okay. Keenan and I are just going to have a couple of cokes.

    Hannah: [Paul and Hannah look at each other, shocked that Joan has passed up alcohol, then they both look at Keenan] Keenan, have I said how very nice it is to meet you?

    Joan: Funny.

  • Joan: Hugh designs video games.

    Keenan: Any I'd know?

    Hugh: Uh..."Killer Golf" That was the last.

    Keenan: Oh, man. That game was awesome! You have a hell of an imagination.

    Joan: Hey, you owe me a dance.

    Keenan: Just one?

    Joan: No.

  • Harry Block: You know, I cannot understand why the most sophisticated of women can't tell the difference between a meaningless, hot, passionate sexual affair and a nice, solid, tranquil, routine marriage.

    Joan: [breaking down] Tell me, Harry, just tell me something. Was she the only one, or were there others?

    Harry Block: No, Amy Pollock was the only one, may God strike me dead if I am lying.

    Joan: You're an atheist, Harry!

    Harry Block: Wha-hey, we're alone in the universe, you're going to blame that on me, too?

    Joan: [angrily tears papers from typewriter] Stop your tap-dancing...

  • Joan: So now you're blaming me because I don't go out with you enough, to meet strangers to FUCK!

  • [Therapist Joan is trying to counsel Mr. Farber but has just learned that her husband, Harry, has had an affair with a patient of hers]

    Mr. Farber: I've been - I've been losing sleep at night. I can't shut my eyes at night. I - I think I should quit my job. But I can't bring myself to do it. Maybe because my brother-in-law treats me kindly. But - but working for him is taking its toll on me emotionally.

    Joan: Could you excuse me, Mr. Farber?

    [gets up and leaves the room]

    Mr. Farber: What?

    Joan: [from offscreen] You fuck-dumb fuck! I can't believe you fucking did this! You fucking asshole. You fucked my patient? Harry, you don't fuck somebody's patient. Fuck you!

    [she returns]

    Joan: Continue, Mr. Farber.

  • [Mr. Farber is lying on a patient's couch waiting for his therapist, Joan, to return from dressing down her husband, Harry, for having an affair]

    Joan: [from offscreen] I want you to get your shit. And I want you to get your goddamn clothes, and I want you to get the fuck outta here. You are the most fucking irresponsible person I've ever seen in my entire life! Get out!

    [she returns]

    Joan: Continue, Mr. Farber.

    Mr. Farber: [very uncomfortable] D-Doctor...

    Joan: [not bothering to leave the room this time] And I mean tonight, motherfucker!

    Mr. Farber: [bursts into tears]

  • Helen: It's just like kissing a guy.

    Joan: No it's not.

    Helen: No, it's not.

  • [Talking about Richie]

    Evan: You know what he's doing now? He's probably in the back of that limo, giving himself a blow job.

    Joan: What?

    Evan: Oh, yeah. He can blow himself. He's double-jointed.

    Joan: [in disgust] Men!

  • Rob: I just don't understand why he is doing this. Swimming The English Channel will NOT bring Stuart back.

    Joan: [as she leaves the kitchen, she turns back to her son] It's not Stuart he wants back, Rob.

  • Joan: I expected to be frightened on my wedding night, but nothing like this.

  • Joan: Oh, I could bite my tongue in half!

    Paula: You'd have plenty left.

  • Joan: You know what? You're a little cunt.

    Lisa Cohen: [scoffs] You're a big cunt.

  • Michael: Sometimes I feel so guilty.

    Joan: It's not your fault. It's nobody's fault.

    Michael: It's not that. It's just sometimes when I'm over there all I can think of is I'm so glad I don't have it.

  • Michael: What are you doing?

    Joan: Take the N E Y outta New York and what does it spell?

    Michael: WORK

  • Joan: Whoever I am, I'm not who you think... You never even asked my name!

    Joan: With a figure like that, you don't need a name!

  • Joan: Whoever I am, I'm not who you think... You never even asked my name!

    Simon Wells: With a figure like that, you don't need a name!

  • [Joan is buying items in an antique shop]

    Store Clerk: So, you're a witch?

    Joan: Huh?

    Store Clerk: Chalice, herbals, knives, they're all witches' tools, you know.

    Joan: Oh, I'm just interested in it.

    Store Clerk: You're kidding! I mean, I was just kidding.

    Joan: Well, I'm just interested in it.

    Store Clerk: Hey, that is really great.

  • Joan: Hey, you know what I think?

    Shirley: Oh how in the hell can someone have so many opinions without ever having done anything?

  • Joan: You know what I wish we could do?

    Gina: Drugs?

  • Joan: Oh Warwick, thank God you came!

    Warwick: First time a girl ever said that to me and I haven't got a single witness.

  • Joan: What'd you wanna come here for anyway?

    Gina: I have this morbid fascination for pain and suffering.

  • Joan: What size panties do you think Lois wears?

    Midge: Well if she ever wore panties, probably about a medium.

  • Joan: Wait, I think she's coming to.

    Gina: She's coming too? Well, we all know Warwick did, but Susie?

  • Gina: What are you reading, Susie? 'You Are What You Chew.' When are you gonna give up on this health food bullshit?

    Susie: I happen to believe my body is a sacred temple.

    Joan: Gina's body is more like the corner store... open 24 hours.

    Gina: Well at least mine's not a drive-thru, honey.

  • Kay: [as the two girls give loathing looks at Donna Lyons while she sings] Some savage tribes put honey all over people and let the ants devour them.

    Joan: It's too hard to get enough ants.

  • Kay: [as they watch Lord Stuart dance with Donna Lyons, a glaring Kay has suddenly developed jealousy] He's over-doing it!

    Joan: [Happy to see their plan going well] He's not bad for a drunkard.

  • Elizabeth: Say, Joan, do you remember me raving about an awfully nice man that I met in Boston?

    Joan: The Boston rave - now, let me think a minute. I remember the Boston Tea Party! But, not the Boston rave.

  • Mr.Prescott: By the way, what sort of impression did you get in meeting Jeff?

    Joan: My impression is that he should be put in a medicine bottle. He's my idea of a perfect pill!

  • Elizabeth: Joan, it's happened! It's happened!

    Joan: Calm yourself, Lizzie.

    Elizabeth: He did it. He did it!

    Joan: Elizabeth Prescott! I'm ashamed of you. You naughty girl!

    Elizabeth: He - he kissed me! Jeff kissed me.

    Joan: Is that all? I thought something worthwhile had happened to you.

  • Joan: Well, I hope he's worthy of ya.

    Elizabeth: Hmm. I just hope that I'm worthy of him.

    Joan: You get that right outta your noodle, right now. Cause you are - plenty!

  • Larry: What's your name?

    Joan: Oh, you wouldn't like it, really. It's an ugly name.

    Larry: So long as it ain't horse radish, I'll like it all right.

  • Larry: We are different, Montana. Me and you - are different as - as velvet and cactus.

    Joan: Not so different. Just a boy and a girl.

  • Joan: Froggy, one more crack like that and somebody's gonna be fryin' your legs for dinner.

  • Joan: Larry, you don't understand. They're my friends! Well, they're all ladies and gentlemen.

    Larry: Gentlemen? They ain't a man among 'em.

    Joan: Larry!

    Larry: They're nothin' but a bunch a low down, double-crossin' critters - as poisonous as a nest of measly rattlers! They ain't a one of 'em fit to even talk to ya or look at ya - let alone dance with ya.

  • Joan: It doesn't matter how he died. Your father's death was not the sum of his life. It doesn't matter how life ends, it matters how it was. I couldn't give him my way of coping and you couldn't give him yours. Everybody has to find a way to face their own death, and life.

  • Joan: Gavin ... don't worry so much about being loved. Worry about loving. It's ever so much more important.

  • [first lines]

    Hong Kong Bartender: [mixing a very complex drink] I haven't made one of these since the fourth of July. I was making one when the quake hit Frisco. Believe me friend, I wouldn't go to all this trouble for any of these foreigners. Uh, uh, gotta wait a minute to let the oil sink in. There you are partner, you can tell your grandchildren about that one.

    Dan: [before Dan can take a sip, the contents of the glass are knocked out of his hand by Joan backing into him] Say what in the name of...

    Joan: Why... I'm so sorry.

    Dan: I'm so glad.

    Joan: Such a beautiful drink too.

    Dan: Yes, paradise cocktail. Seem to be a few drops left.

    Joan: [prophetically] Always the most precious, the last few drops. That's luck.

    Dan: Yes, my name is Dan.

    Joan: Mine's Joan.

    Dan: Hello Joan.

    Joan: Hello Dan.

    Dan: May we, errr, drink to our meeting?

    Joan: We should. Here's... here's hail and farewell.

    Dan: Well that seems a bit ruthless?

    Dan: Let's say

    [hears toast from the German bar]

    Dan: auf wiedersehen

    Joan: Auf wiedersehen

    [Dan smashes his glass on the bar; Joan does likewise]

  • Joan: Remember our first?

    Dan: We thought it was our last. You never can tell.

  • Joan: I think a woman's place is to make a man happy, not to ask questions and be curious.

    Mlle. Rosay: My dear, you shouldn't have any trouble whatsoever in getting an husband.

  • Herr Funk: [reading Paul's note] I escaped, but too late. 'Till the lamps of Paris burn once more. Paul.

    Herr Funk: [to Joan] And what was he too late for, Joan?

    Joan: I don't remember.

    Herr Funk: Then try to remember this: by harboring an enemy of the Reich, you have qualified to be shot without trial. That is the law. I know because I made that law. If I choose, I can also break it.

  • Herr Funk: There are five flyers, Joan: I want all five.

    Joan: Supposing I were to tell you they escaped.

    Herr Funk: If they had, I would not have left a delightful party to come here.

  • Joan: Anybody hurt?

    Magpie: Yes, Joan, right in the pocketbook They go $800 of our livestock!

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