Jimmy Quotes in John Wick (2014)


Jimmy Quotes:

  • Jimmy: Evenin', John.

    John Wick: Evenin', Jimmy. Noise complaint?

    Jimmy: Noise complaint.

    [looks over John's shoulder, sees the dead body on the floor behind him]

    Jimmy: You, uh, workin' again?

    John Wick: No, I was just sortin' some stuff out.

    Jimmy: Ah, well... I'll leave you be then. Good night, John.

    John Wick: Good night, Jimmy.

  • Wallace Wells: Hey Jimmy do they rock or suck?

    Jimmy: They have not started playing yet...

    Wallace Wells: That was a test Jimmy, and you passed.

  • Other Scott: And you didn't bang her? Are you gay?

    Scott Pilgrim: I couldn't stop thinking about my stupid ex-girlfriend.

    Jimmy: Is that the Uma Thurman movie?

  • [first lines]

    Tony Stark: I feel like you're driving me to court martial. This is crazy. What did I do? I feel like you're gonna pull over and snuff me. What, you're not allowed to talk? Hey, Forrest!

    Jimmy: We can talk, sir.

    Tony Stark: Oh, I see. So it's personal.

    Ramirez: No, you intimidate them.

    Tony Stark: Good God, you're a woman! I honestly, I couldn't have called that. I mean, I would apologize, but isn't that what we're going for here? I thought of you as a soldier first.

    Ramirez: I'm an airman.

    Tony Stark: Well, you have actually excellent bone structure there. I'm kinda having a hard time not looking at you now. Is that weird?

    [soldiers laugh]

  • Tony Stark: [to Jimmy, who's raising his hand] You're kidding me with the hand up, right?

    Jimmy: Is it cool if I take a picture with you?

    Tony Stark: Yes, it's very cool.

    [Jimmy hands Pratt his camera and poses with a peace sign]

    Tony Stark: I don't want to see this on your myspace page. Please no gang signs.

    [Jimmy lowers hand]

    Tony Stark: No, throw it up. I'm kidding. Yeah, peace. I love peace. I'd be out of a job for peace.

  • Jimmy: I used to fuck guys like you in prison.

  • Jimmy: Prepare to die.

    Dalton: You are such an asshole.

  • Jimmy: Damn, boy. I thought you were good.

    Dalton: Go fuck yourself.

  • Jimmy: Dig a hole.

    [observing while at night Dalton and Doc leaving the Double Deuce Club]

  • Hayes: When I tell you to run, run.

    Jimmy: I'm not a coward. I ain't gonna run.

    Hayes: It's not about being brave, Jimmy.

  • [Hayes has just explained the subtext of Heart of Darkness to Jimmy]

    Jimmy: It's not an adventure story. Is it, Mr. Hayes?

    Hayes: No, Jimmy. It's not.

  • Hayes: If someone were to tell you this ship was headed for Singapore, what would you say?

    Lumpy the Cook: I'd say they're full of it Mr. Hayes. I mean we turned Southwest last night.

    Carl Denham: Fellas, we're not looking for any trouble...

    Jimmy: No. You're looking for somethin' else.

  • Jimmy: Hold on for just a second.

    [Steps out into an open courtyard at Akan's fortress]

    Jimmy: [shouting] Akan's a cunt!

    Jimmy: [pauses] Ok, coast is clear.

  • Jimmy: Like my father always said, a grenade a day keeps the enemy at bay.

  • Jimmy: [during end credits] Hello, Henry. Well, if you're hearing this, there's one more thing I need you to do.

  • Jimmy: All you got to do, is break in there, kill him, open up his ribcage, take out his beating heart, and fucking eat it! I'm kidding! I'm kidding, you don't have to fucking eat his heart!

  • Jimmy: If you can hear them, but you can't shoot them, you can probably grenade them. Drop a 'nade down there laddy.

  • Jimmy: [Jimmy the soldier to Henry before he send the kripple down with the elevator] Well... home is where the battle is.

  • Jimmy: Chinatown. Three triad gang members. I pop two of them off the draw - bang, bang! And I raise up to take the leader out...

    Therapy Cop: Oh shit, I feel like I'm there now.

    Jimmy: I hear a whistle. My partner's on the roof. He says, "Let's even the odds!" He tosses me down a Mossberg pump, I send one through his chest. Game over, bitches.

    [the group applauds]

    Therapist: Jimmy, let's talk about how that story made you feel.

    Jimmy: Like my cock was made outta concrete.

  • Allen Gamble: 9:15, let's have a great day everybody!

    Jimmy: Cut the shit!

  • Brian O'Connor: Hey, Jimmy! We got any half-empty bottles of nitrous laying around?

    Jimmy: Sure, but I already loaded you with spray.

    Brian O'Connor: I'm thinking we may need it for something else. 'Cause our cars may get a little crowded.

  • Jimmy: Evo? Where'd you get an Evo from?

  • Jimmy: Get us closer and I'll shot the son of a bitch!

  • Jimmy: You got an appointment?

    Paul: No. But he does.

    Jimmy: What's that supposed to mean?

    Paul: It means if I'm not speaking to him in the next two minutes, he's gonna find himself dead. And we'll throw you in with the deal.

  • Jimmy: But dad, all my friends are going.

    Mr. Neutron: I know son, but if all your friends were named Cliff, would you jump off them? I don't think so.

  • Nick: Are you sure about this, Neutron?

    Jimmy: Well the data seems to support this hypothesis.

    Sheen: [walking by and confusedly examining a piece of paper] Never... argue... with the data...

  • Jimmy: All right, this is it. These crummy aliens stole our parents, it's time to show them what we're made of. We're tough, we're mean. Darn it, we're carbon based life forms! So, who's going to kick buttocks?

    All: The Carbonated Life Forms!

  • Jimmy: What girl wants to dance with a guy who looks like he should still be in Gymboree?

    Carl: [quietly] I didn't think we liked girls yet, Jim.

    Jimmy: Oh, we don't, we don't, no, not yet. However, one day, Carl, an influx of hormones that we can't control will overpower our better judgment and drive us to pursue the female species against our will.

  • [seeing the aliens for the first time]

    Jimmy: They've evolved beyond the need for conventional bodies. They must be an advanced species, millions of years ahead of us.

    Sheen: Wow. When I blow my nose, it looks like an advanced species too.

    Cindy VortexLibby: Ewww.

  • Carl: Hey, this astronaut food isn't too bad.

    Jimmy: That's toothpaste, Carl.

    Carl: Oh. Minty.

  • Jimmy: There's a 95 percent chance it'll work.

    Cindy Vortex: And the other 5 percent?

    Jimmy: We all get blown up.

    [the crowd starts nervously chattering]

    Jimmy: Hey, hey! Ninety-five is still an A.

    Nick: I've never gotten a 95 in my life.

  • [approaching the sun]


  • Jimmy: So, is he going to be cool?

    Pinky: My motherfucker is so cool, when he goes to bed, sheep count him.

  • Jimmy: No one can hear me.

    Joe Moore: No one can hear what you don't say.

    Jimmy: Hey, I'm as quiet as an ant pissing on cotton.

    Joe Moore: I don't want you as quiet as an ant pissing on cotton. I want you as quiet as an ant not even thinking about pissing on cotton.

  • Bobby Blane: Sometimes adrenaline gives people the shakes, some might think it's cowardice, so maybe you'd want to pray about it.

    Jimmy: I'm not a religious man.

    Bobby Blane: There's nothing wrong with prayer. We knew this firefighter, this trooper, who always caried a bible next to his heart. We used to mock him, but that bible stopped a bullet.

    Jimmy: No shit.

    Bobby Blane: Hand of God, that bible stopped a bullet, would of ruined that fucker's heart. And had he had another bible in front of his face, that man would be alive today.

  • Jimmy: Excuse me. Excuse me, Mr. Bergman asked you a question.

    Bobby Blane: Uh-huh.

    Jimmy: Excuse me. Excuse me, my, my uncle asked you a question.

    Bobby Blane: Hey, fuck your uncle.

    Jimmy: Fuck my uncle? You're the help.

    [Blane punches Jimmy in the stomach]

    Bobby Blane: I'm the help? Yeah, I'm the help, motherfucker.

  • Fran Moore: Don't smoke a cigarette.

    Jimmy: Makes me look calm.

    Fran Moore: What kind of person tries to look calm?

  • Jimmy: What do you say we stop for a drink?

    Fran Moore: It's a long road. Let's get to the meet.

    Jimmy: Yeah, that's difficult. You want me to tell you why? There is no meet.

    Fran Moore: Joe wouldn't like that.

    Jimmy: We left Joe at the airport. There is no meet, you know that. Your guy went out, got his picture on a postage stamp. He got old. Let's cut the shucking and the jiving. What kind of man sends you to me, sends his wife to me? To distract me? Oh, surprise, I was all taken in. How about that? What a fool I am. Would I do that to you? Would I do that to you? And p.s., who liked it? For old time's sake, why don't we cut the nonsense and say what it is.

    Fran Moore: I need a drink.

    Jimmy: What the hell, did he think he was gonna go home with the gold? In what fairy tale? Only one didn't know that was him. That old man needed someone to sit down, draw it for him on a napkin.

  • Joe Moore: Why should we believe her? Why the fuck did he send her here?

    Jimmy: I think she came to me on her own.

  • Jimmy: You going somewhere?

    Joe Moore: What are you, the social service lady?

    Jimmy: You thinking of going somewhere?

    Joe Moore: You come to take the baby back?

  • Jimmy: How long has he been with that girl?

    Pinky: What girl is that?

    Jimmy: His wife.

    Pinky: How long is a Chinaman's name?

  • Jimmy: Howdy neighbor. Just wanted to say, you know... welcome to the building. And uh, if you ever need any weed or anything, just come knock on my door.

    Ranger Holt: Yeah. Thanks Jimmy, you'll definitely be hearing from us.

    Jimmy: Cool.

  • Cole: I'm the better soldier, Jesse!

    Jesse James: And I'm the better outlaw!

    Jimmy: You both hate the railroad, that's all that matters!

  • [after Jimmy gets shot]

    Cole: Bob, get me some bandages.

    Jesse James: And some whiskey, Bob.

    Jimmy: Too young for whiskey.

    Jesse James: I think this time we'll make an exception, Jim.

  • Jimmy: Hey Terminator... I don't know where you came from, but you better go back.

  • Jimmy: Everybody knows Yung killed Kim, dick...

    [Jeff cuts him off with a harsh glare]

    Jimmy: [finishing] ... Tracy.

  • Jimmy: When you get him, kill for Kim. Kill for me.

  • The Boss: You know when I was young, I had this boss, Lazar. He used to talk a lot about getting taken out. He always used to say "You gotta see it comin', you gotta look for it where you think it is, you gotta look for it where you think it ain't, you gotta look hard, you gotta be fast. Because even seein' it comin' don't mean you can stop it."

    Jimmy: So you killed him?

    The Boss: Damn right.

  • [the Boss casually takes the gun from his son Jimmy's hand]

    The Boss: Know anything about last night?

    Jimmy: [surprised] I love you, dad.

    The Boss: [playfully] I love you too, Jimmy.

    [the Boss punches Jimmy viciously in the eye, knocking him to the ground]

    The Boss: [screaming] Didja do it! Didja!

    Jimmy: No!

    The Boss: [calmly] Well, that's good. That's good, Jimmy.


    The Boss: Go pour yourself a shot of bourbon, you took that one like a man.

  • Dolemite: Jimmy, if a snake were to bite me on my leg, what would you do?

    Jimmy: I'd suck the poison, Dolemite!

    Dolemite: Well, Bo! What if a snake were to bite me on my ass?

    Bo: I guess you'd be a dead muthafucka!

  • Jimmy: Panties, white girl... I want your sweet, white panties.

  • Jimmy: You promised me all the ass I wanted - WHITE ass!

  • Jimmy: [over the radio to Eddie] You have a compass. All you have to do is walk north.

  • Eddie: [at night, looking in all directions, to Jimmy over the radio] You got night vision, Jimmy?

    Jimmy: [over the radio] Technology can be your friend or your enemy, just like the desert.

  • Jimmy: [over the radio, near sunset] You need anything?

    Eddie: [breathless] My car keys would be nice.

  • Jimmy: [during a minor sandstorm] It's time we had a face to face.

    Eddie: That's a good idea, Jimmy!

    Jimmy: You look like road kill.

  • Jimmy: [over the radio] Eddie?

    Eddie: [annoyed] What do you want?

    Jimmy: Lost?

    Eddie: [looking around] You tell me, man.

  • Jimmy: [watching Eddie trying to make a compass] People almost feel sorry for you, Eddie.

  • Jimmy: [driving up and seeing an empty whole] Close my eyes for a second and look what happens.

  • Eddie: [pointing the rings hanging from the mirror] Is that my work?

    Jimmy: [very angry] Why don't you tell me?

  • Jimmy: [to himself, watching Eddie wonder around] You looking for me? I'm right here, buddy.

  • Mr. Ray: Okay, class. Optical orbits up front, and remember, we keep our subesophageal ganglion to ourselves. That means you, Jimmy.

    Jimmy: Aw, man!

  • Louise: You remember when we first met?

    Jimmy: Yeah.

    Louise: What happened? Tell me what you said.

    Jimmy: I said you had a nice pair of eyes.

    Louise: And what did I say? Do you remember?

    Jimmy: Yeah, you shut 'em. Asked me if I knew what color they were.

    Louise: And what'd you say?

    Jimmy: I didn't know.

    Louise: [she covers his eyes] Jimmy, what color are my eyes?

    Jimmy: They're brown.

  • Louise: Damn, Jimmy. What'd you do, take some kinda pill that makes you say all the right stuff?

    Jimmy: Yeah. I'm chokin' on it.

  • [about the money]

    Jimmy: It's a place called the Vagabond Motel. It's at 1921 North East 23rd. It's under "Peaches".

    Louise: What?

    Jimmy: That's the code word. I miss you, Peaches.

  • Jimmy: Did I hear somebody say "Peaches"?

    Louise: Oh my God. Jimmy.

    Jimmy: That's the secret word. Show the lady what she's won, Don.

  • Jimmy: I want to give you something.

    Louise: Give it to me here.

    [Jimmy pulls out an engagement ring]

    Jimmy: Why don't you try it on? You didn't see that one coming, did you?

    Louise: Why, Jimmy? Why now?

    Jimmy: Try not to get too excited, Louise. I just flew across two states with that ring in my fuckin' hand, and uh... You know I hate to fly.

  • Surly: It's not going to be easy but we're talkin' almonds, pistachios, walnuts and did I mention the peanut brittle?

    Jimmy: Whoa, is that a nut, or a candy?

    Surly: [laughs] Both.

  • Jimmy: I saw the sign outside and it said that you had five hundred dollars.

    Emcee: You want five hundred dolla?

    Jimmy: Yes, I would like five hundred dollars.

    Emcee: You want five hundred dolla?

    Jimmy: Yes please, I would like five hundred dollars.

    Emcee: You want five hundred dolla?

    Jimmy: Yes I want five hundred dolla!

    Emcee: Five hundred dolla!

    Jimmy: Five hundred dolla!

    Emcee: Five hundred dolla!

    Jimmy: Five hundred dolla!

  • Jimmy: I'd rather spend one minute holding you than the rest of my life knowing that I never could.

  • Jimmy: I'm Jimmy.

    Chloe: I'm Chloe.

    Jimmy: Chloe! The whore next door!

    Chloe: What? Where did you hear that?

    Jimmy: My Mom, she teaches me everything.

    Chloe: Well, really, she got it wrong. I'm actually more of a bitch than a whore.

    Jimmy: A bitch. Oh yeah, a bitch. Absolutely a bitch.

  • [Addressing a rough-looking Mexican by a broken-down Harley]

    Jimmy: I might have something that could help your situation here...

    Slim: [threatening him with knife] What? What you got that's gonna help?

    Jimmy: Patches.

    Slim: Patches? I could use some stinking patches.

  • Mr. Livingston: tell him.

    Mrs. Livingston: what are you talking about, tell him what.

    Mr. Livingston: He's not dead. Your not dead, Jimmy.

    Mrs. Livingston: He's lying, Jimmy.

    Mr. Livingston: tell him, tell him everything.

    Mrs. Livingston: you're not dead, Jimmy.

    Jimmy: Open his eyes: I'm not?

  • Jimmy: How far will this get me?

    bus stop man: Take a step back.

    [Jimmy steps back]

    bus stop man: That far.

  • Emcee: [Hands envelope to Chloe] Here, for your honeymoon!

    Chloe: What is it?

    Emcee: 500 dolla!

    Chloe: 500 dollars?

    Emcee: 500 dolla!

    Jimmy: 500 dollars?

    Emcee: 500 dolla!

    Jimmy: 500 dolla!

    Emcee: 500 dolla!

    Jimmy: 500 dolla!

    Emcee: 500 dolla!

    Jimmy: 500 dolla!

  • Slim: What are you, some kind of Astronaut?

    Jimmy: No, I'm some kind of bubble boy.

  • Jimmy: I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic of which it stands one nation under God indivisible with liberty and justice for all...

    [looks down and says faster]

    Jimmy: I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic of which it stands one nation under God indivisible.

  • Jimmy: Pappy told me about Poon


    Jimmy: , but he never said anything about Poonanny, Pippy.

  • Jimmy: [laughing] You guys aren't a singing group... you're a cult!

  • Jimmy: Dog poo this is awesome

  • Jimmy: Supper time was the best! Nothing could beat Mom's homemade, vitamin-rich, soy-based, germ-free, fat-free fiber cookies.

  • Chloe: I should go. How about tomorrow?

    Jimmy: Oh jeez, I don't know. I don't know bitch, I got a lot to do!

  • Jimmy: [narrating] I had my reading.

    Jimmy, 8 Years Old: [reading a Highlights magazine] I wish they had more than one magazine in the world, Mom.

    Mrs. Livingston: So do I, dear.

    Jimmy: [narrating] My favourite T.V. show, "Land Of The Lost".

    Jimmy, 10 Years Old: [while watching television] I wish T.V.'s had more than one channel, Mom.

    Mrs. Livingston: So do I, dear.

    Jimmy: [narrating] And I had the best teacher in the whole wide world.

    Jimmy, 10 Years Old: [reading an essay] "And then, the Indians decided to move to the reservations, where they could open casinos and sell tax-free cigarettes, and stay out of the white man's way.

    Mrs. Livingston: Another A-plus.

  • Jimmy: [discussing how to kill someone and get away with it] First I'd cut it up into a million pieces with a chainsaw... then, I'd flush it down the toilet.

    J.J. Jimenez: Hey man, I'm eating here.

  • Jimmy: You know, I'm so full right now if I farted, a minnow would pop out of my ass. I'd probably eat it too.

  • Alfredo: Jimmy! You scared me half to death.

    Jimmy: Hey, you don't close for another two hours. Did you do that on purpose?

    Alfredo: Well, I knew that just at that moment you would skate in, loaded with Christmas lights, and I said to myself: "If I close the grates, it would look more spectacular." And it did.

  • Jimmy: Who are you? You're the strangest squirrel I've ever seen.

    [gives Aristobules a treat]

    Jimmy: What's the matter? Didn't you get your Christmas present this year? Me neither. So I'm not gonna believe in Christmas anymore.

  • Jimmy: So... Billy, what are you in for? Hash?

    Billy Hayes: Yeah.

    Jimmy: Where'd they get you?

    Billy Hayes: The airport... trying to get home.

    Jimmy: You go through customs?

    Billy Hayes: Yeah, I was busted right at the plane.

    Jimmy: Aw, man that's heavy. That's very heavy.

    Erich: It's bad if they get you for smuggling, but if they make it posession, the sentance is lighter. The best thing for you to do, Billy, is try to make bail. If you make bail, you're free. You can easily get yourself a fake passport on the black market, or get yourself across the border into Greece.

    Jimmy: Dream on, Erich. They'll never grant bail to foreigners whom may be a flight risk.

    Erich: But if you argue in court about you being innocent...

    Jimmy: This ain't the good ol' USA! This is Turkey, man! It's a fuckin' accident here if you're innocent! There ain't nobody here that is innocent!

  • Jimmy: The second way out, I need you guy's help, and that's under.

    Billy Hayes: You mean tunnel? Are you serious?

    Max: This is Shagmahr prison, not Stalag 17.

    Jimmy: Well that's where you're wrong fuckface, 'cause it's already built!

  • Billy Hayes: I'm Billy Hayes.

    Jimmy: I'm Jimmy. Jimmy Booth. I'm an American just like you. This other guy here is Erich... something. I can't pronouce his last name. He's Swedish or something.

    Erich: Just Erich.

    Jimmy: Yeah... well, what do you think of this place, Billy?

    Billy Hayes: [looks around the prison hall and courtyard] Looks like some cheap rundown hotel.

    Jimmy: Yeah, thought you'd say that. Everyone says that this place looks like a cheap hotel.

    Billy Hayes: [sees peacocks along the fence of the prison] Peacocks. Why peacocks?

    Jimmy: The Turks use 'em instead of dogs to patrol the fence because they shreik like hell when they're approached or disturbed. Plus, they don't get rabies.

    [a little boy runs past them]

    Billy Hayes: Who are the kids?

    Jimmy: Kids? They're not kids. They're local street urchins the Turks lock up here in a seperate wing for the juveniles. Boys as young as nine or ten years old. They're thieves, drug dealers, muggers, con artists, pickpockets, rapists, murderers... you name it, they do it. Don't trust any of them!

  • [Billy, Max and Jimmy are going over blueprints of the prison]

    Jimmy: There's two ways out, I figure. Over the roof, but that's only one person, maybe two. The other way is under.

    Billy Hayes: Tunnel?

    Jimmy: It's already built! There's a basement substructure where they used to keep weapons and stuff, but beneath that there's these old catacombs that the Christians built about a thousand fucking years ago to bury their dead. We're sitting right on top of it - here. The Kraut said there's a whole bunch of hollow sealed shafts sort of like dumbwaiters running along this wall. One of them is right in there, right next to our shower. We can get in there, he says, we can get down into the catacombs. With the three of us working...

    Max: [tapping at the wall] Gotta be here someplace. Thought I heard a couple of dead Christians singing down there.

    Jimmy: Stop shitting me, man!

    Billy Hayes: But how would you get into the shaft, Jimmy?

    Max: I suppose you knock three times and ask for St. Peter.

  • Fisher: Why do you want to get stoned?

    Jimmy: We want to get stoned, because it feels good, man.

    Fisher: Bingo, because it feels good! You want to get stoned, because it feels good! Right?

    Cooper: Right!

    Fisher: Wrong!

    Cooper: Why is that wrong?

    Fisher: Because it's a cop out...

    Jimmy: Ok, then can you explain to us why for what other reason than the fact it feels good, do we want to get stoned, man?

    Fisher: Because it's our way, of getting closer, to god.

    Fisher: That is what you're looking for; except for you didn't know it, until this minute.

  • [after causing a disruption in the restaurant]

    Jimmy: Are you still high from the acid?

    Cooper: No... well, maybe a little.

    [Susan, the waitress walks up to the table and sets down a tray of food]

    Jimmy: We didn't order this.

    Susan Taylor: You guys have gotta eat something.

    Cooper: Why is that?

    Susan Taylor: [smiling] Is this the first time you two have turned on?

    [Cooper laughs nervously]

    Susan Taylor: Oh, come on fellas, your pupils are like saucers.

    Jimmy: What do you know, you're from Iowa.

    Susan Taylor: Ohio. And what, do you think California is the only place people drop acid?

    [Susan turns around and walks off]

    Cooper: [quietly] Was I that obvious?

  • CBS Page: [after they're all waiting anxiously for a phone call after a show] Should I turn the phones back on?

    Jimmy: Yes, that would be helpful, thank you.

    Fred Friendly: Turn the phones back on!

  • Jimmy: [after drinking the sorority's punch] Shit, we got Cosby'd!

  • Jimmy: [Speaking about Diane Dane ] She told me never trust a label. And I'm beginning to believe her.

    Lenny: Well, sure. I mean, come on. They put us up in a first class hotel, all expenses paid, while our record climbs the charts; bunch of lyin' snakes.

    Jimmy: Sorry I'm buggin' you! I guess I'm alone in my principles.

    [leaves the room]

    Lenny: Oh come on. Oh, there he goes off to his room to write that hit song "Alone in my principles."

  • [after Faye has just broken up with Jimmy]

    Jimmy: Shoulda dumped you in Pittsburgh!

    [He gets up]

    Jimmy: Which one of you butts said we were engaged?

    Mr. White: The same person who said you had class, Jimmy.

  • Mr. White: I don't want any of this lover's lament crap. I want something peppy, something happy, something up-tempo. I want something snappy.

    Jimmy: [smiles and sings] I... I quit... I quit... I quit...

    [speaks seriously]

    Jimmy: I quit, Mr. White.

  • Mr. White: We bow, right? In unison, and we're off the stage before the applause dies out.

    Jimmy: Well, what if they want an encore?

    Mr. White: You unplug and you run, run offstage! Smiling, smiling, of course.

  • Mr. White: He was joining the Marines in August anyway. It was gonna happen sooner or later. Guys, say hello to Scott Pell, Wolfman.

    Jimmy: How you doing?

    Guy: Uh, replacement?

    Mr. White: Yes.

    Jimmy: Who's he player with?

    Mr. White: The Techniques, uh...

    Scott 'Wolfman' Pell: Roy Maxwell and the Corsairs.

    Lenny: Ha-ha... really?

    Mr. White: He's your new bass player.

    Guy: Mr. White... no offense, but I... we've been together a long time.

    Mr. White: There aren't a lot of options here, Guy.

    Guy: Can he handle our tunes?

    Scott 'Wolfman' Pell: I think I can handle them, junior.

    [plays some wicked bass licks]

    Jimmy: Ok.

    Lenny: Ok.

    Guy: Fine.

  • Faye: But I thought you already decided on The Echoes.

    Jimmy: Nah, some band in Buffalo's the Echoes. And I wasn't wild about that.

    Lenny: Let's just call us The - Band You're About To Hear.

    Chad: How about The Corvettes?

    Jimmy: Is that The Corvettes, or the Chordvettes?

    Chad: No, Corvettes, like the car.

    Jimmy: Well see, I was thinking like the Chord...

    [writes Chordvettes]

    Jimmy: *Chord*vettes, like chords in our music.

    Lenny: [Guy walks in] Is that "Skitch" Patterson?

    Chad: Here he is, Erie's lone beatnik.

    The Bass Player: How about the Tempos? Ya know, tempos?

    Lenny: Not the Tempos, Tempos. I was in a band already called The Tempos, and we were... terrible.

    Chad: Hey Guy, weren't you the drummer for the Tempos?

    Guy: Heard that.

  • Jimmy: We were wondering if you'd like to fill in for Chad just for tonight.

    Guy: Why?

    Lenny: Asshole... just broke his arm!

    [starts laughing]

  • Jimmy: [he's just written "Oneders"] No, look - the Oneders, Lenny.

    Lenny: Yeah, it looks like the O'Needers.

    Jimmy: No, the - the Oneders.

    Lenny: Got it, looks like the O'Needers.

  • Jimmy: [strums on his guitar] It just appeared, like magic, for the whole world to see.

    Faye: I didn't say anything, I was just as surprised as you.

    Jimmy: 'Careful, girls, he's engaged.' Am I supposed to buy you some diamond ring now?

    Faye: You're ruining this beautiful moment.

    Jimmy: Where'd you get the idea that we're engaged? We're not! Last thing I need in the world!

  • Jimmy: [Lenny taps his mic before their performance at the Orpheum] Hey, hey! The mic's not on!

    Lenny Haise: [going backstage to Boss Vic Koss] We - the mic's not working. The mic isn't working.

    Victor 'Boss Vic Koss' Kosslovich: All right, who am I not payin' back here? Come on!

    [turns on their mics, but the audience complains from the feedback]

    Lenny Haise: [the mic feedback fades] Thank you. Thank you. We're the Oneders.

    Victor 'Boss Vic Koss' Kosslovich: Will you play some friggin' music? C'mon!

    [Guy starts playing, but his crash cymbal crashes to the stage, and the audience laughs; he and Lenny right the cymbal again]

    Victor 'Boss Vic Koss' Kosslovich: Right nowww!

  • Jimmy: [after their gig at "Weekend at Party Pier"] Hey, do we have a Top 10 record?

    Mr. White: You sure do.

    Jimmy: Well, then, we shouldn't be here.

    Mr. White: You'd rather be back on that state fair tour, Jimmy? They're playing in North Dakota this week.

  • Mr. White: Next, uh... who is Faye?

    Jimmy: [Lenny gestures to Jimmy] Faye's sort of like, like my girlfriend.

    Mr. White: Aw, that is so sweet. You want her on tour? She's your costume mistress. OK, boys, do better tonight than you did today.

  • Paula: Let's make a baby!

    Jimmy: Yes, that will solve all our problems.

  • Jimmy: [Assjuice puts the glasses on] He looks like J.J. Abrams. He look good. He looks okay.

  • Ken: Your girlfriend's very pretty.

    Jimmy: She's ain't my girlfriend. She's a prostitute I just picked up.

    Ken: I was not aware that there were any prostitutes in Bruges.

    Jimmy: You just have to look in the right places... brothels are good.

    Ken: Well, you've picked up a very pretty prostitute.

    Jimmy: Thank you.

  • Jimmy: There's gonna be a war, man. I can see it. There's gonna be a war between the blacks and between the whites. You ain't even gonna need a uniform no more. This ain't gonna be a war where you pick your side. Your side's already picked for you.

    Ray: And I know whose side I'm fighting on. I'm fighting with the blacks. The whites are gonna get their heads kicked in!

    Jimmy: You don't decide this shit, man. Your side's already picked for you.

    Ray: Well, who are the half-castes gonna fight with?

    Jimmy: The blacks, man. That's obvious.

    Ray: What about the Pakistanis?

    Jimmy: The blacks.

    Ray: What about... Think of a hard one. What about the Vietnamese?

    Jimmy: The blacks!

    Ray: Well, I'm definitely fighting with the blacks if they've got the Vietnamese.


    Ray: So, hang on. Would all of the white midgets in the world be fighting against all the black midgets in the world?

    Jimmy: Yeah.

    Ray: That would make a good film!

    Jimmy: You don't know how much shit I've had to take off of black midgets, man.

  • Ken: You from the States?

    Jimmy: Yeah. But don't hold it against me.

    Ken: I'll try not to... Just try not to say anything too loud or crass.

  • Ray: Why didn't you wave hello to me today when I waved hello to you today?

    Jimmy: I was on a very strong horse tranquilizer today; Wasn't waving hello to anybody. Except... maybe to a horse.

    Ray: Huh? What are you talking about?

    Jimmy: Just horseshit.

    Ray: You from America?

    Jimmy: Yeah. Don't hold it against me.

    Ray: Well, that's for me to decide, isn't it?

    Ray: [to Denise] You from America too?

    Denise: No, I'm from Amsterdam.

    Ray: Amsterdam! Amsterdam's just a lot of bloody prostitutes, isn't it?

    Denise: Yes, that's why I came to Bruges. Been trying to get a better price for my pussy here.

    Ray: Huh?


    Ray: You two are weird. Would you like some cocaine?

  • Ken: See Jimmy, my wife was black, and I loved her very much. And in 1976, she was murdered by a white man. So where am I supposed to stand in all this blood and carnage?

    Jimmy: Did they get the guy that did it?

    Ken: A friend of mine got him.

    Ray: Harry Waters got him.

  • [Jimmy shows up wearing a ridiculous costume]

    Jimmy: It's for the goddamn movie.

  • Ray: Back off, shorty!

    Jimmy: You don't know karate!

    [Ray karate chops Jimmy's neck]

  • Jimmy: This is what you have to understand, Doug. Some people are just loners. It's that simple, man.

    Doug Harris: Maybe I don't want to be. Maybe I just want someone to grab a beer with, to go on a cool guy trip with.

    Jimmy: You've never been on a guy trip, Doug? Cabo, Cancun, spring break? You've never done anything like that?

    Doug Harris: I never really had anyone to go with.

  • Jimmy: It doesn't mean that we're not going to have a good time, Doug.

    Doug Harris: I said I got it. You're anybody's friend for a price, but nobody's when it counts.

  • [from trailer]

    Jimmy: Meet your groomsmen!

    [Doug looks at a bunch of strangers]

    Doug Harris: These guys can not be my groomsmen. It looks like the entire cast of Goonies grew up and became rapists!

  • [from trailer]

    Jimmy: I'm assuming you made up a name for me?

    Doug Harris: Bic Mitchum.

    Jimmy: Do I wear a cape? "Hello, ladies, what's going on? My name is Bic." "I'm Bic Mitchum and I love candy!" "Bic Mitchum can have whatever he wants!"... I like it.

    [later on]

    Paige: Don't you think it's a little strange that your best man's name is... Bic Mitchum?

  • Bad Best Man: [walks on stage and starts beatboxing] Haha, just kidding, just kidding. The moment Chris asked me to be his best man, I sat down and I wrote a pretty awesome speech. But, I don't know, I think I'd rather speak from the heart.

    [rips paper in half]

    Jimmy: Oh, don't do that. Don't you rip that paper up. You never do that.

    Bad Best Man: Ah. You know, when Chris... Chris and I first met, we, um... uh, wha... Chris and I, um... have known each other since, uh... hah... Chris and I, you know, we, we did stuff together.

    [dry heaves]

    Jimmy: He's gonna throw up on the fuckin' bride.

    Bad Best Man: And, um, Chris has been like a brother to me. Well, I... because my real brother died. Well, he didn't die immediately...

    Jimmy: No...

    Bad Best Man: They revived him in the ambulance, then he died later. Hah... uh... Adolf Hitler once said...

    Jimmy: Holy fucking shit.

  • [from trailer]

    Doug Harris: What exactly do you do?

    Jimmy: I provide best man services for guys who lack in such areas.

    Doug Harris: So, I'm not alone?

    Jimmy: Alone? No! I run a very profitable business because of guys like you! How many weddings were in the US last year?

    Doug Harris: 2.4 million!

    Jimmy: That means 2.4 million grooms! You think each and everyone of them has someone as their best man?

  • [from trailer]

    Jimmy: You can hide a fat ass in baggy pants, but you cannot hide a bad dancer!

    Doug Harris: You ask how a girl like Gretchen could fall for me? I took her dancing!

    [a dance off ensues]

  • [from trailer]

    Jimmy: God created the world in seven days. We gotta do a whole lot more in a lot less time!

  • Jimmy: So, Coach, I was thinking about the music for our routine.

    Coach: Oh, really?

    Chazz: We're gonna dance to one song, and one song only: "Lady Humps" by the Blackeyed Peas. "What you gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk? I'm a get you, get you drunk, get you drunk off my lady humps, my humps, my humps, my lovely lady humps."

    Jimmy: [disgusted] I'm not skating to anything with references to lady humps. I don't even know what that means.

    Chazz: No one knows what it means, but it's provocative...

    Jimmy: No, it's not, it's gross...

    Chazz: ...It gets the people going!

  • Jimmy: I see you got FAT!

    Chazz: I see you still look like a fifteen year old girl, but not hot!

  • Jimmy: I don't share rooms!

    Chazz: I don't share SHIT!


    Chazz: The night is a very dark time for me...

    Jimmy: [to Chazz] It's dark for everyone, moron!

    Chazz: Not for Alaskans or dudes with night vision goggles!

  • Jimmy: Get out of my face.

    Chazz: I'll get inside your face.

  • [In front of enormous "Capture The Dream" sign]

    Chazz: Let's capture the dream.

    Jimmy: Capture the-wow I love it. Where'd you come up with that?

    Chazz: I have no idea where I came up with that.

    Jimmy: Cool.

    Chazz: Let's kick some ice.

  • Chazz: Mind-bottling, isn't it?

    Jimmy: Did you just say mind-bottling?

    Chazz: Yeah, mind-bottling. You know, when things are so crazy it gets your thoughts all trapped, like in a bottle?

  • Chazz: I think I see the Virgin Mary!

    Jimmy: No, that's not her.

  • Chazz: She's as cold as the ice she skates on. She's like dry ice. No, wait! She's colder than that. What's colder than dry ice?

    Jimmy: I don't know

    Chazz: I'll tell you what is, Oksana.

  • Jimmy: You ruined my dreams!

    Chazz: Dreams? Shit, I haven't had one of those in years.

    Jimmy: Zip it Chazz, just zip it, or I'll punch you in your crap-lousy face!

    Chazz: Hey, this ends tonight!

    Jimmy: It's daytime, you douche!

  • Chazz: This guy could not hold my jock sweat.

    Jimmy: I could hold it all day long, try me!

    Chazz: Maybe I will.

    Jimmy: Maybe you should.

    Chazz: You challenging me, princess?

    Jimmy: I'm not inviting you to the Skating Federation's annual Christmas party.

    Chazz: Then bring it on!

    Jimmy: It is on!

  • Coach: You're the girl.

    Jimmy: What?

    Chazz: You're my pretty lady, MacElroy.

    Jimmy: Wait, why?

    Coach: Because you whine like one!

    [turns to Chazz]

    Coach: And no one can lift your fat ass, you're on a diet starting now.

  • Chazz: And that's why I was a sex addict because no one ever loved me, but I learned something here today, that ice it doesn't belong in here

    [pointing to heart]

    Chazz: it belongs out there, out on the ice, in an ice rink. I never had a father okay, but I don't care because now I've got a brother

    [grabs Jimmy]

    Chazz: , this is my brother

    [grabs Katie]

    Chazz: and this is my brothers new girlfriend and she is not a whore. I'm in a lot of pain I think I'm gonna barf.

    Jimmy: Chazz, Chazz they gotta get you to a hospital.

    Chazz: What, no and miss the smell of sweet gold not on your life.

  • Jimmy: I'm getting sick, you smell like aftershave and taco meat!

  • Chazz: [shoots fire out of his fingers at end of performance]

    Jimmy: Was the fire really necessary?

    Chazz: Ask THEM.

  • Chazz: [Referring to his program] I hope you've brought your silver polish, MacElroy, 'cause that was gold.

    Jimmy: That was disgusting.

    Chazz: THAT, young man, is how babies are made.

  • Chazz: I permanently call shotgun.

    Jimmy: You do not get shotgun every time!

  • [Chazz and Jimmy have just seen the decapitation caused by the Iron Lotus on video]

    Coach: [confidently] Okay, so what do you say? Let's try an Iron Lotus.

    Chazz: Are you nuts?

    Jimmy: Wha...? We can't do that!

    Coach: C'mon. What are you talking about? Look, after all these years, I know what went wrong. The physics were off; it was a man and a woman. That's why it didn't work. You're two men... you should be fine.

  • Chazz: Hey, MacElroy, was that your routine or a performance of Cirque de So Lame? Besides, you're too late; they already handed out the girls' medals this morning.

    Jimmy: Shut up, Michaels. That was textbook execution. Same scores I beat you with in Oslo.

    Chazz: I was on quaaludes, I don't even REMEMBER Oslo.

  • Chazz: [referring to his program] Eat THAT, MacElroy.

    Jimmy: Those were the same scores I got, Einstein. We're tied!

    Chazz: You're high!

  • Chazz: The night is a very dark time for me.

    Jimmy: It's dark for everyone, moron!

    Chazz: Not for Alaskans or dudes with night-vision goggles.

  • Jimmy: [Answering Machine Message] Hey, It's Jimmy. if you can dream it, you can do it!

  • Jimmy: I call top.

    Chazz: Sorry, I already called it in my head...

    Jimmy: No, you can't do that, that doesn't count.

    Chazz: Yes it does.

  • Jimmy: [to Katie] I like your... buttons.

  • Jimmy: I've never fallen in a competition before. Just take my hand and we can get through this.

  • Chazz: What're you, the rug doctor?

    Jimmy: Maybe I am.

    Chazz: Well, I'm the rug MASTER.

    Jimmy: What does that even mean?

  • Jimmy: [Jimmy walks in on Chazz and Katie getting intimate] Y-y-y-you sex demon! You sex fiend!

    Chazz: This isn't what it looks like.

    [Grabs Katie's breast]

    Jimmy: Impure! Impure!

    [Runs out of the room]

    Katie Van Waldenberg: Jimmy, wait!

    Chazz: Brother man!

  • Chazz: You know what dude, your hand has to be on top.

    Jimmy: No way, the girl's goes on top.

    Chazz: Yeah, ergo, chick.

    Jimmy: I'm not the girl, I'm stronger!

    Chazz: No, I'M stronger, and don't have a vagina.

  • Darren MacElroy: I'm un-adopting you.

    Jimmy: What?

    Darren MacElroy: Well, legally I'm disowning you.

  • Jimmy: [fighting with Chazz] You're so fat!

  • Jimmy: When I was nine, my dad insisted on having me circumcised to minimize wind resistance.

  • [Jimmy and Katie have just kissed]

    Katie Van Waldenberg: You've been practicing.

    Jimmy: Chazz taught me some stuff.

  • Jimmy: This ice has not been properly Zamboned! Where's the warm-down room?

    Coach: We don't have any of that. What we've got is a cold storage unit that a buddy of mine let me flood with a garden hose.

    Chazz: Nice choice, Coach.

    Coach: Turned out well.

  • [last lines]

    Chazz: Let's get outta here.

    Jimmy: Now?

    Chazz: Yeah.

  • Jimmy: I just put them in order.

  • [Darren is 'unadopting' Jimmy]

    Jimmy: I've been your son for 26 years.

    Darren MacElroy: 22, so no one can say I didn't try.

  • Jimmy: Who's that?

    Chazz: You mean Katie van Waldenberg?

    Jimmy: She's Stranz and Fairchild's sister?

    Chazz: Fairchild's legs and Stranz's ass.

  • Jimmy: Watch my icy hot super slide.

    Chazz: Do it.

  • Jimmy: They're laughing at us.

    Chazz: Hey. They laughed at Louis Armstrong when he said he was gonna go to the moon. Now he's up there, laughing at them.

  • Jimmy: I was always telling your pop he should sell this crap and make some money, but he can never throw anything away.

    Max Simkin: Yeah, except his family.

  • Jimmy: If they ever have a kid, you won't be able to look directly at it.

  • Jimmy: I'll be here every day for life, plus 30 years, if I live that long.

  • Jimmy: Any time it rains, or when there's thunder and lightning, or when it snows, I have to jack off.

  • Jimmy: It's not important how many people I've killed. What's important is how I get along with the people who are still alive.

  • Jimmy: [Oz is mowing his lawn and Jimmy shows up] Hey Oz, since I'm new here I was wondering if you could show me the sites, you know?

    Oz: Now?

    Jimmy: [puts Oz in the car] Yeah, don't worry it's not gonna kill ya.

    Oz: [quietly] Promise?

  • Jimmy: I'm gonna keep the coke and the fries but I'm gonna send this burger back. And if you put any mayonnaise on it, I'm gonna come over to your house, I'll chop your legs off, set fire to your house, and watch as you drag your bloody stumps out the door.

    [after a beat, the waiter turns to Oz]

    Oz: I'm fine.

    [the waiter leaves, and Jimmy starts laughing]

    Jimmy: Fine? Let me tell you something, Oz. You are *not* fine. Do you know your wife wants you dead?

    Oz: [tugs off his wedding ring] That much I've figured out.

  • Oz: Damn it, Jimmy. What the hell did you have to go and move in next door to me?

    Jimmy: Oz, do you know what kind of soil they have in this back yard? I've been here two days and I've got little tomato plants...

    Oz: Oh my God.

  • Jimmy: My wife? You shtupped my wife, Oz?

    Oz: I wouldn't exactly phrase it that way, exactly...

    Jimmy: [with increasing anger] No, no, no! Let me get this straight. You went down to Chicago and engaged in sexual CONGRESS with my wife? Is that what you're telling me?

    Jill St. Claire: Jimmy, Jimmy, calm down!

    Jimmy: [now livid] IS IT? I SWEAR TO GOD...!

    [Jill takes the phone from Jimmy]

    Oz: [to Cynthia] He's a little upset. I've managed to upset a mass murderer.


    [into phone]


    [Jill takes the phone away]

    Jimmy: It's a DISGRACE...

    Jill St. Claire: [into phone] Oz, you stud, you!

    Frankie Figs: Gonna be a DEAD stud.

  • Jimmy: Everyone dies.

    Oz: [looks worried]

    Jimmy: Sooner or later.

  • Jimmy: Every red-blooded American knows that the only condiment that you are ever supposed to put on a hamburger is KETCHUP! Or MAYBE some of that SPECIAL SAUCE you like so much here in Canada; which I think has a little bit of mayonnaise in it too! But I swear to God when they start slapping that mayonnaise on there I could kill somebody.

  • [after Oz tells Jimmy over a payphone he loves Jimmy's wife, while Jimmy doesn't know they slept together]

    Jimmy: Will you listen to yourself? What are you talkin' about, you love her? You just met her!

    [to Frankie]

    Jimmy: He said he's in love with Cynthia!

    Frankie Figs: No shit!

    Jill St. Claire: So SHE'S the one!

    Jimmy: She's the one what?

    Jill St. Claire: The one he schtupped in Chicago!

    Jimmy: The one he...

  • Jimmy: I'm telling you this like a friend because if you screw this up - I would hate to... I would really hate to have to kill you. I would hate it more than mayonnaise. You know how much I hate mayonnaise.

  • Jimmy: Friends do not engage in sexual congress with each other's wives.

  • Jimmy: You're a lucky guy, Oz.

    Oz: Why would you say that?

    Jimmy: You're about to find out if the woman you love loves you. You know, if it were me, in her position, I'd just take the money and run.

    Oz: So what are you betting on?

    Jimmy: I'm betting on love. Love for you means money for me. And like I said before, I'd really hate to have to kill you.

  • Jimmy: But just so you know, I am disappointed, Oz. I am extremely disappointed with you.

    Oz: Believe me, you are the last person I would ever want to disappoint, but everything I everything I did, was for love.

    Jimmy: Yeah, whatever.

  • Jimmy: I take it you're not Canadian.

    Oz: Only by marriage.

  • Jimmy: [speaking about Oz] You are the most chivalrous guy I've ever met.

    Jill St. Claire: Do you see why I couldn't kill him?

    Jimmy: I love him!

  • Oz: [Jimmy just shot Frankie Figs] Why did you kill him?

    Jimmy: [Jimmy throws the gun into the river] Well, I had to kill one of you.

    Oz: Well, then you definitely made the right decision. But why did you have to kill him?

    Jimmy: Well, if I didn't kill you, Frankie would have. Then he would have figured I'd gone soft, and eventually come after me and the money.

  • Jimmy: You know this whole... sneaking into the house thing, to try to kill me? You guys are really good! You really... heh heh heh... bye, Janni!

    [shoots Janni in the head]

  • Jimmy: [after finding out Oz slept with his wife] I'll tell you one thing. You got balls.

    Oz: Yeah. Who knew?

  • Jimmy: [after Oz makes him laugh] You sure you're a dentist?

    Oz: Yeah. Why?

    Jimmy: Because I've never met a dentist I liked.

    Oz: Well, I try to keep things as painless as possible.

    Jimmy: Me, too.

  • Jimmy: You like living in Canada?

    Oz: No, I live here with my wife.

  • Jill St. Claire: You don't like the Walther?

    Jimmy: I think you should go with what you're comfortable with.

    Jill St. Claire: It's what James Bond uses.

    Jimmy: Really?

    Jill St. Claire: Yeah.

  • Jimmy: The great and powerful Oz.

  • Jimmy: You think those whales piss in that water?

    Jelly: No, I think they use the men's room next to the Burger King.

  • Jimmy: Eddie, not only is what you're saying not true, it is wrong and disrespectful for you to discuss Rosa Parks in that way.

    Eddie: Wait, hold on here. Is this a barbershop? Is this a barbershop? If we can't talk straight in a barbershop, then where can we talk straight? We can't talk straight nowhere else. You know, this ain't nothin' but healthy conversation, that's all.

  • Terri: Don't touch my stuff no more, or there *will* be reprecussions...

    Jimmy: You know what, "reprecussion" my nuts!

    Terri: *Grow* some!

    Eddie: Well, you heard that, didn't you, "Planters"?

  • Jimmy: Let me tell you somethin'... you will *never* own a Black barbershop!

    Isaac: I will if I want to.

    Terri: If Tony Roma can make ribs better than Black people, Isaac can own a Black barbershop...

    Calvin: Wait a minute..."ribs better than Black people?"

    Jimmy: Tony Roma boils his ribs! That is *not* authentic!

    Dinka: Tony Roma is delicious! I don't see White or Black... I just see red sauce on everyt'ing!

  • Thomas: [runs over to Jimmy] JIMMY! Can I have you're autograph?

    Jimmy: Get it off eBay!

    Thomas: Who is eBay?

  • Jimmy: Your hands are so cold. Whoa! That's interesting. Your tongue is so dry.

    Kat: Then get it wet!

  • [at Mazetti's bar]

    Mitch: Yeah, well, things could be worse, you know. I could have got my nose bit off by a Saigon whore!

    [Jimmy slowly turns to face the camera and blows smoke from his cigarette, exposing his scarred nose]

    Jimmy: [shouts] You bastard!

    Mitch: Hey, I'm just messin' with you, Jimmy. I saw you down there. Hey, Mazetti, get Jimmy a beer on me.

    Jimmy: [laughs] Okay. It's all right.

  • Mike Anscombe: Looks like there's gonna be a brawl. You playin' something good?

    Jimmy: Hell, yeah! Rolling Stones, Street Fighting Man! G-7!

    Mike Anscombe: You just hit G-8.

    [Jimmy looks shocked, as Escape, the Pina Colada Song, blasts from the jukebox]

  • Jimmy: They say in the land of the blind, the man with one eye is king, well in the land of the skunk the man with half a nose is king!

  • Jimmy: And there's the Saigon whore that bit my nose off!

  • [Shaking the trunk of the car containing the Saigon whore who bit off his nose]

    Jimmy: WAKE UP SLUT! Well, well, well, we meet again... NOSE BITER! TIME TO PAY THE FIDDLER, WHORE!

  • Jimmy: Dad never slaps me around at home, must be his coffee.

    Jimmy's Mom: No, I've been serving him decafe. Maybe he's just an asshole.

  • Jimmy: Can I ask you a question?

    Striker: What is it?

    Jimmy: It's an interrogative statement, used to test knowledge. But that's not important now, mister. Is my dog Scraps, is gonna make it through okay? I'm scared mister, somebody has to do something.

    Striker: Scraps, is going to be fine son. You'll both, be just fine.

    [Striker, puts Jimmy's face in the icing of the cake]

    Simon: Striker, listen to me. I don't want you, to do this they forced me to cut corners...

    Striker: Get outta my way!

    Simon: Help me, Striker for Christ -

    [Striker, slugs Simon in the face]

  • Clarence Oveur: Well, my goodness, Scraps is a boy dog, isn't he?

    Jimmy: Yeah.

    Clarence Oveur: Jimmy, do you like it when Scraps holds onto your leg and rubs up and down?

  • Jimmy: You giving me a shotty?

    Wozza: Yeah, what? You don't like shotguns?

    Jimmy: Nah, shotties alright.

    Wozza: Yeah shotties are good mate.

  • Jimmy: I swear on my mothers fucking grave.

    Pando: Oh shut your fucking mouth.

  • Pando: What's her number?

    Jimmy: Oh fuck. I dunno. Call 013. 013.

  • Jimmy: Well, I was gonna go see mum and Matt.

    Diedre: What are you talking about. You haven't seen them in 5 years.

  • Alex: Laughing

    Jimmy: What? What are you smiling about?

    Alex: Did you think you could pay with bananas or something?

    Jimmy: Well I don't know do I? I've never been on a plane before.

  • Joey Bullock: Hey bears, thanks for batting practice.

    Jimmy: Yeah, you guys suck.

    Tanner Boyle: I'll show you batting practice.

  • Adam: We've been framed.

    Jimmy: Spence told me you'd say that.

    Adam: Spence is a lying prick with his ass hairs caught in a twist!

    Jimmy: He told me you'd say that too!

  • Judy, aka Girl 6: Baby, let me tell you something. You can continue to live in your little fantasy world with your baseball cards and the autographed bullshit or whatever the fuck is it you do, but me, I got to eat and pay the rent. Phone sex is acting, and if you don't like it, you can step.

    Jimmy: Fuck you, you know, at least I got Willie Mays and Hank Aaron's autograph on a baseball card, you know, they're in the hall of fame.

  • Jimmy: You should get back with your ex, and let him rob you a bank.

  • Jimmy: Don't ya know the black woman is the mother of civilization?

  • Jimmy: So, you big time now, huh? you're the "Eminem" of the barber world now, huh?

    Issac: Yeah. That's why they call me "Slim Fadey!"

  • Jimmy: Jerome, are you exceptionally skilled as a cocksucker? It wasn't a rhetorical question. Are you a great artist when it comes to fellatio?

  • Jimmy: [to Jerome] So... Who do you like?

    Jimmy: [Jerome is confused by the question, so Jimmy rephrases it] Who's your favorite artist, Jerome?

    Jerome: [Uncomfortable pause] Maybe, Picasso?

    Jimmy: I see... Very good... Our old friend "Pig-Ass-Hole," the nasty little dwarf who went his whole life without a single original thought... I presume you're joking, right?

    Bardo: [Jerome is too uncomfortable to speak, but Bardo nonchalantly chimes in] Jimmy's a Strathmore grad.

    Jimmy: Just look at me now!... Just think, Jerome, some day all this could be yours. You're going places, young man. I can feel it. But you really need to take some lessons in sucking cock and licking ass. Otherwise you might find yourself rotting away in some shit-hole, postponing suicide for the slim chance that you might one day, possibly, see some glorious plague or pestilence bring horrible suffering to your hateful species.

    Jimmy: [Jerome and Bardo look at each other in shocked silence, then let out uncomfortable snickers] What are you smiling about?

    Jimmy: [Jerome only shrugs, an uncomfortable grin etched on his face] Laugh away, laughing boy! I will stomp on your guts till they shoot out your ass! I will bury you alive and shit on your grave!

  • Jimmy: Are you married?

    Wendy Savage: No... but my boyfriend is.

  • Tina: We're all famous- just like the Jackson family!

    Jimmy: Don't say that, Tina.

  • Jimmy: Pubic hair causes crime.

  • Jimmy: There's something deeply ingrained in human biology: women prefer bad over weak and indecisive... and unemployed

    Josh Neff: I don't know about that.

    Jimmy: You think they do prefer weak, indecisive, and unemployed?

  • Jimmy: You know this is the way people used to dance in bars in the old days.

    Charlotte Pingress: Did people ever really dance in bars? I thought that was a myth.

    Jimmy: People my older brothers age, they did.

    Charlotte Pingress: Your brother must be a lot older. Before disco, this country was a dancing wasteland. You know the Woodstock generation of the 1960s that were so full of themselves and conceited? None of those people could dance.

  • Des McGrath: 'Yuppie scum'? In college, before dropping out, I took a course in the propaganda uses of language; one objective is to deny other people's humanity, or even right to exist.

    Jimmy: In the men's lounge someone scrawled 'kill yuppie scum'.

    Des McGrath: Do yuppies even exist? No one says, "I am a yuppie," it's always the other guy who's a yuppie. I think for a group to exist, somebody has to admit to be part of it.

  • Jimmy: [to Alice] There's no chance of you getting infatuated with me again, is there?

  • Jimmy: That's like something out of the Nazis!

  • Jimmy: Hey, how you been?

    Alice Kinnon: Fine. How are you?

    Josh Neff: [Jimmy doesn't answer] He's really depressed.

    Charlotte Pingress: Oh, isn't this place great!

    Josh Neff: Its fantastic! I love it.

  • Jimmy: That quarter's coming out of your tab and the tacos are 2.50. They're usally 3, but I like you.

  • Jimmy: Now these other ones here, these are OTMs. Other than Mexicans. They're Chinese Indians.

  • Oscar: Hey Jimmy.

    Jimmy: Hi Tadpole. Back for Thanksgiving?

    Oscar: That's right.

    Jimmy: What happened to your hair?

    Oscar: I combed it.

    Jimmy: Oh. I don't like it.

  • Jimmy: [to himself after seeing Mr. Hammond bully a student] What a dick!

    Frank Hammond: What was that? What did you say?

    Jimmy: I was just saying what an inspiration you are to all of us, sir. I mean, it's really teachers like you who really make a difference.

    Frank Hammond: Stand up.

    [Jimmy stands up]

    Frank Hammond: [to the class] Seeing that we're dissecting animals today, class, I'd like everyone to take a look at this one: James Dunn. Jimmy Dunn, or dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb. Notice the brain, devoid of all intelligent thought. Capable of only a C- average, baring passing high school. The mouth, big and loud, always running with nothing to say. Note the hands, only worthy of working at a drive-through like all of the rest of you. A true loser. A nothing. A nobody. You're a born loser Jimmy Dumb, and you always will be. You may be seated.

    Jimmy: Uh... Mr. Hammond, you forgot one organ. And I think you know what you can do with that! See you in detention.

  • Jimmy: I know this is last minute, but will you please go to the prom with me?

    Terry: Ewww!

    Jennifer: Get lost, Jimmy.

  • Jimmy: You guys... we're in a funeral home.

  • Coach Keel: Where are y'all going?

    Jimmy: To the prom, to kick some zombie ass.

  • Coach Keel: I dropped the damn remote.

    Jimmy: The remote?

    Coach Keel: The remote to set off the explosives. It landed right in the damn plate of potato chips.

  • Coach Keel: Shut up and stare at the wall! This is detention, not dreamland.

    Jimmy: Yes, sir.

    Coach Keel: I though I told you to say nothing! So, what do you say when I tell you to say nothing? Huh?

    Jimmy: Nothing.

    Coach Keel: I said say nothing! You must think I'm a real idiot, don't you? Oh, so you do think I'm an idiot then? Answer me, boy!

    Jimmy: Sir, you told me not to talk.

    Coach Keel: Then what the hell are you talking to me right now, sissy boy? Just for that, 30 more minutes of watching the brick channel for you! All brick, all the time. You may not belive this Dunn, but I'm trying to help you. You want to do something with your life, don't you? Yes, you do. You don't want to wind up alone, Dunn. Credit card debit up the Wazoo. Nobody to talk to but your dog. Having an ex-wife who won't return your phone calls 'cause she's a bitter, fat, stinking piece of hog meat.

    [Jimmy angrily glares at Coach Keel]

    Coach Keel: What are you looking at? Don't you eyeball me, boy! Drop and give me 50 pushups, and count 'em off!

  • Virus: Hey, I got one for ya. If you had to blow some guy, who would it be?

    Jimmy: Excuse me?

    Virus: Say you have to blow some guy, who would you pick?

    Jimmy: I don't have to blow some guy.

    Virus: Yeah I know you don't have to, but if you did, who would it be?

    Jimmy: I try not to entertain that thought, and I don't think it's healthy when you do it.

    Virus: C'mon, entertain it for a second; they got a gun to your head.

    Jimmy: Well, if they got a gun to my head, odds are I'll be blowin' one of them.

    Virus: You're missing my point.

    Jimmy: Your point? I didn't realize there was a point.

    Virus: Forget about it. All right?

    Jimmy: Nah- All right. Who are they - friends of yours?

    Virus: No.

    Jimmy: This doesn't make any sense.

    Virus: I don't know. Look, they're just guys, all right? They're like bored frat guys, they're out on a drinking binge looking for something to do, and somebody gave 'em a gun.

    Jimmy: I give up. Who do I want to blow?

    Virus: I dunno.

    Jimmy: See? Neither do I.

  • Jimmy: I still don't see how renting is funny.

    Virus: Well it's not funny. It's cheating.

    Jimmy: But funny and cheating are synonyms

    Virus: Whatever.

    Jimmy: "Whatever." Good response; I guess you win.

  • Jimmy: [Before exiting to heroically perform a spacewalk to save the ship] Drop your cocks and sell your stocks.

    [Runs and trips over a knee-knocker]

  • Tilda: [Lamenting after accidentally shocking Jimmy when their hands touched] Oh, Jimmy. You don't have an static discharge buffer. You're completely made of meat.

    Jimmy: Meat that loves you, Tilda.

  • Jimmy: Are you him?

    Andrew: Well, I'm certainly not her.

  • Jimmy: Quit while you're ahead.

  • Jimmy: Life lesson number two...

    [grabs the whiskey and throws it out of the car]

  • Jimmy: [before being killed] But I'm a Republican!

  • Jimmy: [about being bounced between school and the hospital so much] The only thing I ever learned to read was a thermometer.

  • Tim: [while exercising Jimmy's ankles] Do you want to go around walking on your toes the rest of your life?

    Jimmy: [In pain] If you keep that up I'll be walking on my knees!

  • Anna Perrott Rose: [asked what she's doing as she's spanking Jimmy John] Something I should've done a long time ago.

    [lets him up]


    Anna Perrott Rose: Go right ahead.


    Anna Perrott Rose: [stands up] Go right ahead, but leave behind everything we've EVER given you.

    [to the dog]

    Anna Perrott Rose: And you get out of the way.

  • Jimmy: You never said we'd have Bang-fucking-kok in the hallway!

    Lionel: That's an unprovoked racist slur.

    Porna: Excuse me, we are from Bom-fucking-bay!

  • Jimmy: We're broke, we're desperate, we're hopeless... The fag doesn't pay, the Shit doesn't pay...

    Chloe McBain: Don't call him "the fag!"

    Daphne McBain: Don't call him "the Shit!"

    Shitty: At least I'm "the Shit." You're just A shit.

  • William: You know what I could never figure out about the Mummy? The Mummy used to walk with one arm out and a leg draggin' behind him, but he was still always able get his victim. I'm thinkin' as a kid, I was pretty fast, I'd just, ya know, put some moves on the Mummy and the Mummy, he'd never get me.

    Jimmy: This is what you're thinkin' about?

    William: Then I realized, the Mummy never has to sleep. Eventually, I'd get tired of runnin' around the Mummy. That's when he'd get me.

  • Jimmy: What are ya gonna do? Kill me? Everybody dies.

  • [repeated lines]

    Jimmy: [promoting his vigilante group on TV] S.O.S. Save Our Streets!

  • Paddy O'Flannagan: Now Johnny, I want you to close your eyes, take a few deep breaths and visualize yourself sitting in a beautiful field beside a quaint little stream. A lovely breeze blows over your face, and you feel safe and calm. Safe and calm. Safe and calm.

    Jimmy: AAAH! A giant angry Jose shot out of the stream, dragged me out by the ears and dragged me under.

  • Jimmy: I've drunk three pints of milk a day for as long as I can remember, and the benefits have been unbelievable. 'Cause of all the calcium, I've never had a filling or been knocked out. My bones are as hard as rock.

  • Jimmy: But what if I don't knock him out? I mean, he is the undefeated World Champion.

  • Jimmy: [holding a shirt with 'The Kalcium Kid' on it] But "calcium" is spelled with a 'C,' not a 'K', Mr. Bush.

    Herbie Bush: It's very important to be original in this game, Jimmy. You've always got to keep your opponent guessing. Calcium C, kalcium K. C? K? He's flummoxed.

  • Jimmy: If you're trying to scare me, you'd be better off by saying BOO!

  • [Jimmy is venting at his trainer]

    Jimmy: [talking like Paddy] "Ah, bejesus! There's a leprechaun in the ring! Punch him, Johnny, punch him!"

    [screaming at Paddy]

    Jimmy: I'll bleedin' knock you out, you mad old Irish bastard!

  • Jimmy: [alone under the bedcover] Say my name. Mm. Yeah, baby, yeah. Yeah...

    Sebastian Gore-Brown: [clears throat] Jimmy?

    [Jimmy looks up from underneath the cover]

    Sebastian Gore-Brown: Morning. Um, we're the documentary team. We'll be filming you 24 hours a day in the run-up to the fight.

    Jimmy: Of course, the fight. Who would have thought it? Jimmy Connelly fighting Jose Mendez for the championship belt.

    Sebastian Gore-Brown: So, tell us, how does Jimmy Connelly start his day?

    Jimmy: Umm... Well, as you probably noticed... I normally start off in the morning with a set of fifty sit-ups... yeah.

  • Jimmy: My dad gave me some good advice once: "Speak if you have something to say." I always thought that was pretty clever. I don't think he ever thought I'd be talking to the press though, eh?

  • Pressman: Uh, Jimmy, do you really think that you stand a chance against Jose Mendez?

    [Jimmy is stuck for an answer]

    Pressman: [to photograher] Get a shot of him.

    Jimmy: Well, my dad once said, "There's normally a winner in a two-horse race". Obviously neither me or Jose are horses, but I think the moral of the story is anything can happen. I believe that.

  • Jimmy: [reads out loud from a newspaper] "Fascist fighter shames nation"? "Jimmy 'the Calcium Kid' Connelly will be fighting Jose Mendez for the middle-weight championship of the world on Saturday, but he will be doing so without the support of this newspaper. Connelly showed up at pre-fight press conference dressed in full Union Jack attire and lambasted Jose Mendez in the name of Queen and country."... What does lambasted mean?

  • Jimmy: I'm a bit confused about everything that's going on at the moment.

    Clive Connelly: Does it... does it feel like everyone's trying to pull your trousers down, son?

    Jimmy: Yeah. Yeah, that's it exactly.

    Clive Connelly: My advice to you is... start wearing a belt.

  • Jimmy: My old man once said, "Without family, man is alone." He's deep, my dad.

  • Angel: Hello. We haven't properly met. I'm Angel.

    Jimmy: Yeah. Yeah, you are.

    Angel: Can I have my knockers back, please?

  • Herbie Bush: Didn't do yourself justice last night, did you, Jimmy? Laid it on a bit thick, didn't you, son? What I gave you was an outline, an idea, a concept for you to take and finesse and make your very own. Let's say I am the map and you are the driver. Whether you turn left or right or do a uey is entirely up to you.

    Jimmy: But before the press conference, you told me to follow your directions EXACTLY so we could "weave a little Bush magic."

  • Felix: I had a friend. He was the richest guy I knew. He had everything. Mansion. Roller. Pool. Ten grand watch. But he had a tiny dick. A real tiddler. You know the kind of dick you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy. Now what's the point if you got the bullets but you ain't got the gun? And how girls laughed in his face. So he went down to The States - to LA. And he pumped his dick full of this new wax stuff. Pumped it to pumpy. Yeah. His dick looked bigger.

    Jimmy: Felix. Listen, all I'm...

    Felix: [points revolver]

    Jimmy: Fuck.

    Felix: I'm getting there! I'm getting there. Well this guy got back with his big waxy new dick. And he wanted to get out and use it, so he jumped on a sunbed... to get his "old man" brown. You know what happened?

    Jimmy: No, I got no idea.

    Felix: His fucking penis melted. Melted all over the fucking sunbed.

    Jimmy: So?

    Felix: So, you can't get a big brown dick overnight. Sancho Panza.

  • Jimmy: You're a lousy liar!

    Jimmy: I am a wonderful liar! I'm only lousy when I lie to you!

  • Jimmy: I saw him last week at Joe Allen's. He look thin, drawn tired...

    Georgia: You're lying!

    Jimmy: Alright he looked gorgeous. Who cares? the man can't write his name. I've got to go.

    Georgia: Was he alone?

    Jimmy: He was at a big table I don't know who was with who.

    Georgia: she was that pretty, huh?

    Jimmy: What am I, a police reporter? She was a female Caucasian that's the best I can do. I've got to pick up that script, I'll call you later.

    Georgia: I love you. Why don't we smarten up and marry each other?

    Jimmy: Because you're an alcoholic and I'm gay. We'd have trouble getting our kids into a good school.

  • Jimmy: O, God! I want to be a star so bad! I don't mean a little star, I want to be a big star! With three agents, and a business manager, and a press agent. And then I would fire all of them and I would hire new ones because I am such a big star! And I would make everyone pay for the 22 years I have poured into this business. I wouldn't do benefits, I wouldn't give money to charity, I would become one of the great shit heels of all time! Isn't that a wonderful dream, Georgia?

  • Polly: Who redid my room?

    Jimmy: She hates it, I can tell.

    Polly: It's a little Brady Bunch, but I can work with it.

    Jimmy: The room is wonderful! Get rid of the kid!

  • Jimmy: Your tits are so much nicer than my wife's.

    Claudel: Jimmy!

    Jimmy: That was a compliment.

  • Jimmy: If you want me to leave, then you should probably call the cops. Oh, wait. I'm the cops.

  • Claudel: You're an asshole.

    Jimmy: I know, but the problem is... is that you're just so...

    Claudel: Don't...

    Jimmy: ...cute.

    Claudel: ...you...

    Jimmy: Every time I see you...

    Claudel: ...touch me.

    Jimmy: ...you always smell so good. I just want to tear off...

    Claudel: Jimmy, I said "No."

  • Jimmy: You know, I always wanted to be one of you guys - colorful uniform, publicist, alter ego. By day, Detective Jimmy Fontaine, 'n by night, "Doctor Invisible." Maybe... "Captain Unseeable."

  • Jimmy: What kind of rabies is this?

    Eddie: It's not rabies... they're zombies!

  • Jimmy: The Feds would like you to stay on the case since you've been so involved this far, and the FBI will give you all the backup and resources you need to continue your investigation.

    Det. Arlen: That's just great. What kind of resources.

    Jimmy: Unlimited.

    Det. Arlen: Unlimited, huh?

    Jimmy: Uh-huh.

    Det. Arlen: Jimmy, how long would it take to get from here to Cincinatti by helicopter?

    Jimmy: I don't know. About half an hour.

    Det. Arlen: Great, get one. I got a sister in Cincinatti I haven't seen in eight months. Let's go!

  • Thornton: Alright listen up, douche-bags! All of ya! There's a load of toxic waste sittin' on the dock at TechStar, now who wants it? TechStar's throwin' in an extra two grand for this one... Z!

    'Z': I'm sorry Thornton man, my truck's runnin' real bad right now, needs a serious tune-up.

    Thornton: Johnson!

    Johnson: Hemroids! I... I got hemoroids.

    Thornton: You ARE a hemoroid... Jimmy!

    Jimmy: Whooping cough, boss!


    Thornton: I was afraid of this...

    RafeVictor: [Both yelling loudly] Babeeeeey!

  • Jimmy: Are you alright?

    Jocelyn: My boyfriend just tried to mug me!

    Jimmy: You can't trust anyone these days.

  • Teodoro: Father. Are you aslept, father?

    Jimmy: Eh?

    Teodoro: Are you aslept?

    Jimmy: No, son, course not, course not.

    Teodoro: I remember mother, father.

    Jimmy: But, don't you like the motorbike I bought you?

    Teodoro: Yes, the bike is great, but that's a completely different thing. Don't you remember what I told you in the letters? I told you, "I'm eager to see you both when I get back". You both, I told you, mother and you. And then I come back and, you've killed her. Why did you kill her?

    Jimmy: Because she was very bad.

    Teodoro: But, father...

    Jimmy: It's hard to tell this a son, but your mother was very bad. I've waited for you to be raised, and for you to have a good job. But now you have that post at Oklahoma, why do you want a mother?

    Teodoro: I don't know but, as I'm beginning a sabbatical year with nothing to do...

    Jimmy: But you're raiding a bike because of that. A bike with a sidecar, so you can see world. Because, you see, all the fucking day there at Oklahoma.

  • Detective Ray Duquette: Why don't we begin with a question? What is a sex crime?

    Jimmy: Not gettin' any!

    [all the other students cheer]

  • Jimmy: We bury our sins here, Dave. We wash them clean.

  • [at the crime scene, Sean finds Jimmy screaming and being held by several police officers]

    Jimmy: Is my daughter in there? Is she in there? Is she in there?

    Sean Devine: [Officer Devine approaches the melee] Hey! Hey, take it easy! That's the father.

    Jimmy: Is my daughter in there?

    [fighting the officers]

    Jimmy: Motherfuckers! Is that my daughter in there? Is she in there?

    [Sean gives a small nod]

    Jimmy: Sean! Is that my daughter in there? Is that my daughter in there? No! No! No! No, aagggh, no! No! Oh, God! Oh, God! No!

    [as Jimmy looks up at the heavens, we get a bird's or helicopter's eye view of him raving among a dark blue sea of police officers struggling to hold him]

  • Jimmy: You do death alone, but I coulda helped her with the dyin' part.

  • Jimmy: I remember, I was more afraid of my little daughter than I ever was of being in prison.

  • Jimmy: How long?

    Whitey Powers: How long what?

    Jimmy: How long till you catch my daughter's killer? I need to know.

  • Jimmy: [after Dave has told him a story about a boy being molested filled with inconsistency] One more time... about the boy, and I will cut you the fuck open!

  • Roy Sullivan: Rodeo...


    Roy Sullivan: You're smoking dope.

    Jimmy: Yeah- I mean no- not right now.

  • Peter: What she like between the sheets?

    Jimmy: Definitely unusual.

  • Jimmy: What do I do?

    Dil: Break his neck. No, don't.

  • Johnny Boy: Hey, why don't you lower the jukebox, I can't hear nothin'.

    Joey 'Clams' Scala: Hey, the girls like the music loud.

    Johnny Boy: Girls. You call those skanks girls?

    Joey 'Clams' Scala: [to Charlie] Hey, what's a matter with this kid, huh?

    Johnny Boy: Hey, there ain't nothin' wrong with me my friend, I'm feelin' fine.

    Charlie: Keep your mouth shut.

    Johnny Boy: You tell me that in front of this asshole?

    Joey 'Clams' Scala: Alright, alright, we're not gonna pay. We're not paying.

    Jimmy: But why? Joey, we just said we were gonna have a drink.

    Joey 'Clams' Scala: [Joey interupts] We're not payin', because this guy, this guy's a fuckin' mook.

    Jimmy: But I didn't say nothin'.

    Joey 'Clams' Scala: And we don't pay mooks.

    Jimmy: Mook? I'm a mook?

    Joey 'Clams' Scala: Yeah

    Jimmy: What's a mook?

    Johnny Boy: A mook, what's a mook?

    Tony DeVienazo: I don't know...

    Johnny Boy: What's a mook?

    Jimmy: You can't call me a mook!

    Joey 'Clams' Scala: I can't?

    Jimmy: No...

    Joey 'Clams' Scala: [pause] I'll give you mook!

    [punches Jimmy in the face]

  • Jimmy: What I mean - what I believe... is that you killed his father... like the stories I heard go. Now, if somebody killed my father... I would feel the need to do something. The stories I heard - you know, stories get around - is that you used to be a hard-ass. You were a hard-ass and you took his dad out, Sydney. So you think - what? You can just walk through this life... without being punished for it? Shit, man. I know all those guys you know. Floyd Gondolli, Jimmy Gator, Mumbles O'Malley. They like to sit around in Clifton's and talk, talk, talk. They love to tell stories. You can sit there and look at me sideways all you want. You probably think I'm some kind of asshole or something... but I'm not a killer... like you. You walk around like you're Mr. Cool, Mr. Wisdom... but you're not. You're just some old hood. The other night in the bar, you asking me a question... like do I do parking lot security? Well, the answer is no! I'm trusted security inside the casino. I'm trusted with security, and I don't fuck it up.

    Sydney: Good that you have such a sturdy sense of responsibility.

    Jimmy: Don't! Don't! Don't fuckin' do that! You understand? I can see right through that shit! You look at me as some idiot, huh? I know you do. I know you. You old guys, you old hoods... you think you're so fuckin' above it... so high and mighty. What am I to you? Some loser? Not with a gun in my hand. Not with the facts I know. Bottom line, Sydney. No matter how hard you try... you're not his father.

  • Jimmy: They don't give out no prizes at the half-time Axel.

  • Jimmy: Did you get my message?

    Joseph Kaspar: Yeah, no trouble.

  • Jimmy: What's he doing in Cambodia?

    Joseph Kaspar: Casino. I don't know much about him.

    [after a pause]

    Joseph Kaspar: There's someone I want you to meet.

  • Jimmy: Excuse me.

    Emile: Yeah?

    Jimmy: I'm looking for a man named Casper.

    Emile: I don't know everybody who comes in this place. What's your name?

    Jimmy: Jimmy.

    Emile: Can I get you something?

    Jimmy: Beer.

  • Jimmy: [about his room] I don't remember requesting a monkey.

  • Emile: [Jimmy has noticed Sophie] The two of us, we don't stand a chance.

    Jimmy: No offense, but speak for yourself.

  • Jimmy: That was some place you sent me to yesterday. I got your note.

    Marvin: What note?

    Jimmy: [Looks up in astonishment] The one you left at the Belville.

    Marvin: [Frowns] I didn't leave you anything.

    Jimmy: No?

    Marvin: No.

  • Marvin: You was supposed to stay put until you heard from me.

    Jimmy: Yeah well, the Feds were all over me. I had to get away.

    Marvin: [Shrugs] Forget it, it's spilled milk. And you did an excellent job, I'm very proud of you Jimmy.

    Jimmy: Thanks.

    Marvin: Tell you the truth, I think in some ways you're better off here. I mean this place is wide open, fortune to be made. You are gonna want to be a part of it.

    Jimmy: Yeah well I'm not so sure, not after the last one. I really sold those people a bad deal.

  • Jimmy: Who could be behind this?

  • Sophie: His name's Marvin right?

    Jimmy: Yeah.

    Sophie: I know who he is.

  • Sophie: You really don't trust anybody do you?

    Jimmy: No.

    Sophie: Well that's a shame.

    Jimmy: Maybe it is, but there's nothing I can do about it now.

    Sophie: That's rubbish. You can't go through your life like that!

  • Jimmy: How am I supposed to trust anybody if I can't even trust myself?

  • Jimmy: I never have much luck with these things.

    Emile: Neither do I.

  • Jimmy: Do me a favor and keep your fucking mouth shut!

  • Sok: [Last lines] You have everything?

    Jimmy: Yeah. I have everything.

  • Joseph Kaspar: Marvin's probably dead already. At least the two of us, maybe we can go back to the tree and get the money!

    Jimmy: [Glares at Joseph] You know Kaspar, you sicken me. I'm waiting for Sok, and if you don't like it, you can take a fucking hike!

  • Jimmy: [to a girl he's just met] I want it from you.

    Julie: Want what?

    Jimmy: Love.

    Julie: Why? Do you love me?

    Jimmy: No, I'm in love with a girl called Carol. I love your...

    Julie: My what?

    Jimmy: Your pussy.

    Julie: How do you know that?

    Jimmy: Of all the different kinds of pussy in the world; soft, hot, gravel, velvet, cold, wet, big, small, there's only one kind I can feel in my blood on sight. And that's silk, which is yours.

  • Ruth: [interrupting her son's innocuous greeting] I don't want to hear it.

    Jimmy: What?

    Ruth: Whatever it is you plan to hurt me with.

  • Mr. Shi: From now on, you're welcome in China as tourists. But you can't do business here.

    Jimmy: Why?

    Mr. Shi: It's our policy.

    Jimmy: Mr. Shu is also a gangster. Why can he do business in China?

    Mr. Shi: We made a deal, and he's a patriot.

    Jimmy: I can make you a deal. I can be a patriot.

    Mr. Shi: What's your rank in Wo Sing? Not its Chairman?

    Jimmy: If I run for Chairman, will you give me what I want?

  • Jimmy: Imagine... Dr. Beaumont keeping this heart pumping for over twenty years!

    Nancy: Wish he could do something about making your heart pump!

  • Jimmy: Noreen, I'm gonna fire you.

    Noreen: Haven't you fired me enough this month?

  • Matt: yeah jimmy you said extra, i thought you meant like 50!

    Jimmy: 50 is the regular fucking price asshole!

  • Jimmy: Luxury cars are dead. The future is in trucks.

  • Jimmy: Are you are looking for something that inhibits your polysynaptic reflexes and increases the alpha waves of your cerebral cortex?

    Nigel: Pardon

  • Jimmy: Saying the universe came from the Big Bang is like saying babies come from maternity wards.

  • Jimmy: You stay under water for three minutes. If you can do it, I'll just nick you.

    [brandishes switchblade]

    Jimmy: But if you can't, I'll poke one of your eyes out. An eye for an ear, right?

  • Sport Sullivan: You know what you feed a dray horse in the morning if you want a day's work out of him?

    Jimmy: What?

    Sport Sullivan: Just enough so he knows he's hungry.

  • Jimmy: You know what we get to do today, Brooks? We get to play baseball.

  • Tryout Catcher: [Running out to Jim, who's just finished his tryout] Pitch... pitch... man, you were bringing some heat up there!

    Jimmy: Come on...

    Tryout Catcher: You got 'em talkin'!

    Jimmy: Naww...

    Tryout Catcher: You got 'em talkin'... good job, man.

  • Joaquin 'Wack' Campos: [after being the first Owl to get a foul tip off of Jimmy's fastball] Got a piece of that one!

    Jimmy: Now get all of it.

  • Durham Manager Mac: Jimmy, I just got off the phone with the big club. They're calling up Brooks.

    Jimmy: That's great. He won't be back.

    Durham Manager Mac: He respects you, and I think you ought to be the one to tell him. Being that you're going, too...

  • Jimmy: [Meeting his father after the game] You came.

    Jim Morris Sr.: [Nods] Wasn't going to miss this one.


    Jim Morris Sr.: Watching you out there tonight... not many fathers get to do that.

  • Jimmy: Anybody wanna tell me how we lost that game? Hmmm? No? How about taking a look at the numbers on that scoreboard out there? What do those numbers tell you?

    Joe David West: How to get ahold of Bo's Tire Barn?

    [team laughs, Jimmy pauses, obviously not amused]

    Jimmy: You quit. You quit out there. You quit on me and, worse, you quit on yourselves. Now, what is it? You think we don't care about baseball around here? Think the school's gonna drop the program? You're just making it easy for 'em. Sad part is, I see it and you don't.

  • Joaquin 'Wack' Campos: What difference does it make? I mean, it's not like any of us are getting scholarships.

    Jimmy: I'm not talking about college. I'm talking about wanting things in life. I'm talking about having dreams. And all that starts right here

    [points at his heart]

    Jimmy: , right here. If you don't have dreams, you don't have anything.

    Joel De La Garza: Coach, what about you? You talk about our dreams...

    Jimmy: Joel, we are not talking about me.

    Joel De La Garza: Yeah, but come on, Coach. Every time you throw, I gotta ice my hand, every time! You're the one who should be wanting something more.

    Joaquin 'Wack' Campos: And the sad part is, you know, we see it and you don't.

  • Joel De La Garza: Now, wait a minute... we start winning, you try out again.

    Jimmy: [sighs] Last time I checked, scouts aren't looking for high school science teachers.

    Joe David West: Well, not many science teachers throw like you.

    Jimmy: It's gonna take a heckuva lot more than a couple of wins to get me to make a fool of myself.

    Joel De La Garza: Alright, what if we win district, huh? What if we win district and go to the state playoffs? Then?

    Jimmy: You serious?

    Joel De La Garza: Yeah, absolutely.

    Jimmy: You're serious?

    Joe David West: Yeah.

    Joaquin 'Wack' Campos: Yeah!

    Jimmy: And all I have to do is find some kind of tryout somewhere?

    Joaquin 'Wack' Campos: That's it, man!

    Jimmy: [clears throat] Alright... IF we win district!

    [Team cheers and leaves for locker room]

    Hunter: I don't get to tell Mom about this, do I?

  • Dave Patterson: Jimmy, how fast were you throwing fifteen years ago?

    Jimmy: Slow enough to where scouts stopped using the word "fast".

    Dave Patterson: Seriously, how fast were you throwing?

    Jimmy: I don't know... 85-86?

    Dave Patterson: You just threw 98 miles an hour.

    Jimmy: Nawww!

    Dave Patterson: Twelve straight pitches, three radar guns. Same thing on all of 'em.

    Jimmy: Look, Dave, there's no way...

    Dave Patterson: Jimmy, I've been a scout for a long time, and the number one rule is, arms slow down when they get old. Now, if I call the office and tell 'em I got a guy here almost twice these kids' age, I'm gonna get laughed at. But, if I don't call in a 98-mile-an-hour fastball, I'm gonna get fired! I'm just saying there's a chance you might get a call on this.

    [turns to leave, then turns around]

    Dave Patterson: You figure out what I saw out there today, you let me know.

  • TV Reporter: [interviewing Jimmy after his first major league game] What pitches did you throw to get that strikeout?

    Jimmy: Fastball, fastball, and


    Jimmy: fastball!

    TV Reporter: How did it feel, pitching in the major leagues?

    Jimmy: Just like I hoped it would.

    Jimmy: [to the reporters, seeing his father through the TV lights] Can you excuse me?

  • Sanchez: So, Riv, what was it like watching the Babe play?

    Jimmy: You sure you wanna start this?

    Sanchez: How many fans did you lose when they raised ticket prices to 50 cents?

    Jimmy: Almost as many as we lose when you pitch!

    Brooks: Oooh! And this game is over, baby!

  • Lorri: So how does it feel to be the oldest rookie in the last 30 years?

    Jimmy: I don't know... I'm tired.

  • Jimmy: [while he and Lorri are lying in bed, their baby crying in the other room] I'll get her.

    Lorri: Was that a real, "I'll get her"? Or are you just waiting for me to say, "Go back to sleep"?

    Jimmy: I haven't decided yet.

    Lorri: [gently pats him as she gets up] Go back to sleep.

  • Jimmy: Do you know how many guys can throw a ball 98 miles an hour?

    Lorri: [shrugs] Not many?

    Jimmy: You can count them with one hand.

  • Joel De La Garza: [while him and Jimmy play catch] Hey coach, back when you were really pitching, how fast were you throwing it?

    Jimmy: I don't know. 85, 86?

    Joel De La Garza: That's not too bad.

    Jimmy: It is when the other guy's throwing 90.

    Joel De La Garza: Coach, let's see you bring one.

    Jimmy: Can't. Promised too many doctors.

    Joel De La Garza: Come on, coach, one isn't going to kill you. Come on, feed me!

    Hunter: Yeah, dad, bring the heat!

    Joel De La Garza: [Jim gets himself ready while Joel waits in the catcher's position] Feed me, coach.

    [Jim pauses, then winds up and throws his fastball, which audibly whisses by and hits hard into Joel's glove, much to the shock of him and Hunter]

    Hunter: Woah!

    Joel De La Garza: Coach, where did that come from?

    Jimmy: [Smiles] Forgot how good that sounded.

  • Jimmy: Look, guys, most of you, you're gonna finish up school here, you're gonna work the rigs, you're gonna work at Bo's Tire Barn, you're gonna raise a family, you're gonna retire, and you're gonna do all that right here in Big Lake. And there's nothing wrong with that. A lot of real good people have done that. I'm doing it. But, if you're looking for something more after you're done here, you better give some serious thought as to how you're gonna play out the rest of this season!

  • Hunter: But Dad...

    Jimmy: No buts about it... I'm getting enough butts as it is.

  • Jimmy: Frank, isn't it a little late to be playing this song?

    Frank: It's only 8:30.

    Jimmy: It's March.

  • Jimmy: What's the damage?

    Lorri: Well, they took the bed, but they left the dresser.

  • [watching Johnny and Chino fight]

    Charlie Thomas: What are they fighting about?

    Jimmy: Don't know. Don't know themselves, probably.

  • Kev: I don't give a monkey's arsehole about Mods and Rockers. Underneath, we're all the same, 'n't we?

    Jimmy: No, Kev, that's it. Look, I don't wanna be the same as everybody else. That's why I'm a Mod, see? I mean, you gotta be somebody, ain't ya, or you might as well jump in the sea and drown.

  • Steph: Going to be one of the faces?

    Jimmy: What do you mean going to be? I AM one of the faces!

  • [on Kev's leather jacket]

    Jimmy: 'Ere, I never realized.

    Kev: Never realized what?

    Jimmy: You's a rocker.

    Kev: What, am I black or something?

    Jimmy: Well you ain't exactly white in that sort of get up, are you?

  • Jimmy: Bellboyyyyyy!

  • Jimmy: [from the cliff top after deciding not to be a mod]


    Jimmy: Me!

  • Mr. Fulford: Mr Cale tells me that you spent the weekend in Brighton, I imagine you were involved some extent in the disturbances there?

    Jimmy: Yeah I was there

    Mr. Fulford: Weren't arrested or taken or anything like that were you?

    Jimmy: No.

    Mr. Fulford: I must say I find your attitude incomprehensible. I feel I must warn you Cooper that we can't tolerate this kind of absentism amongst our junior staff. You got a good steady job here Cooper, plenty of young men would give their eye-teeth to be in your shoes.

    Jimmy: Oh yeah! Well find one then

    Mr. Fulford: I beg your pardon?

    Jimmy: You 'erd I said find one then. Yeah I'll tell you what you can do with your eye-teeth and your job, you can take the mail and the frankin machine and all that other rubbish I have to go about with and you can stuff them right up your arse!

  • Jimmy: I guess a little small talks in order here now

    Francine: Can it get any smaller?

    Jimmy: Now look I can take a hint

    Francine: Can you also take a walk

    Jimmy: Do you want me to leave?

    Francine: YES!

    Jimmy: I'll leave right now

    Francine: BYE

    Jimmy: You expect me to leave after the way you just talked to me?

    Francine: Will you go away

    Jimmy: I don't want to, I want to stay here and annoy you.

  • Jimmy: I know you from some place.

    Francine: No.

    Jimmy: You don't remember me?

    Francine: No.

    Jimmy: You don't remember we met a few years ago? It was at a party or a dance. We had a long conversation. You can't remember that?

    Francine: No.

    Jimmy: I just want to explain to you, first of all, my parents are over there, my mother and father, my brother and sister. So I got to see them because I just was two years in the service, you know, so they haven't see me. Now, I want to get your phone number so I can tell you tomorrow about what I was thinking about. There's something very, very important I've got to talk to you about.

    Francine: No.

    Jimmy: No what? No what?

    Francine: No.

    Jimmy: No?

    Francine: No.

    Jimmy: No, no, no. You don't understand. Give me your number. You got a pencil or something?

    Francine: No.

    Jimmy: All right. I have a photographic memory. Just give me your number, and I'll remember it.

    Francine: No.

    Jimmy: Yes.

    Francine: No.

    Jimmy: Yes.

    Francine: No.

    Jimmy: Can I meet you at Central Park? I'm serious.

    Francine: I know. No.

    Jimmy: I mean, come on. There's no way...

    Francine: No!

  • Jimmy: Do I look like a gentleman to you in this shirt and these pants?

  • Francine: That was it! That was you proposal, get your coat on, put your shoes on, lets go, lets go, lets go, that was it!

    Jimmy: Whats wrong with that?

  • Jimmy: You're an agent?

    Tony Harwell: I reiterate, yes.

    Jimmy: If I went down there, would you be my agent?

    Tony Harwell: No.

    Tony Harwell: Why not?

    Tony Harwell: I ain't interested. I'm satisfied with the list of clients I got now.

    Jimmy: You're makin' a mistake, but okay, you know.

    Tony Harwell: I made a lot of mistakes. So I'll make another one. This one's on me.

  • Jimmy: Will you marry me? Will you marry me? I love you. Will you marry me? I don't want anybody else to be with you. I don't want anybody else. I want to be with you, do you understand? I don't want anybody else to be with you except me. I love you. I love you. Look at me. I love you.

    Francine: Oh, I love you, too.

  • Francine: What's the Theory of Relativity, that light is curved?

    Jimmy: I don't know.

    Francine: They say that only five people in the whole world, you know, know really what it's about.

    Jimmy: Well, the Japs understand, from what I know.

  • Jimmy: Where is she?

    Tony Harwell: Why should I tell you where she is if she doesn't tell you where she is in the letter?

    Jimmy: Then why do you take the time to come out to Brooklyn to give me this letter if you don't think she cares enough about me to let me know where she is, or to let you know to let me know where she is? Doesn't that makes sense to you?

    Tony Harwell: It should, but it don't.

  • Jimmy: Let me ask you something. You got any other advice for me?

    Tony Harwell: Yes. Stay off the junk, and you'll go far.

    Jimmy: Fine. Thanks a lot. Swell of you to say that.

  • Lacey: Where'd you git this gun?

    Jimmy: At the gittin' place.

  • John Grady Cole: What the hell are you doing?

    Jimmy: Just sittin' here.

    John Grady Cole: If this rain hits hard, there's gonna be a river come down through here like a train. You thought about that?

    Jimmy: You ain't never been struck by lightning. You don't know what it's like.

    John Grady Cole: You're gonna get drowned sittin' there.

    Jimmy: Why that's all right, I ain't never been drowned before.

    John Grady Cole: Well...I say no more.

  • Lacey: You're just a deadhead. Just tell me one thing. What the hell would we want you with us for?

    Jimmy: 'Cause I'm an American.

  • John Grady Cole: [dreaming] What's it like being dead?

    Jimmy: It ain't like nothin' at all.

  • Jimmy: [to Michael] Gotta tell you my kids love it here. Christopher's in your old room and Leslie here is in Ryne's.

    [turns to Leslie]

    Jimmy: Say hello to your cousin.

    Michael: [to Leslie, when she doesn't say anything] You're short.

    Jimmy: [to Michael] Yeah guest room's upstairs, second door on the right, but I guess you know that because uh this is your home.

    Leslie: Uncle Charlie said it's our home now.

    Jimmy: You're right honey, it is our home now. But um, Michael grew up here so... it's his home, too.

    Leslie: But it's our home.

    Jimmy: [picks Leslie up] What do you say we go catch some more of that ball game, huh?

    [to Michael as he starts walking]

    Jimmy: If you need anything let me know.

    Michael: Okay.

    Jimmy: [stops and turns back to Michael] Hey this... this is great, you know... It's good to...

    Michael: Yeah you too.

    [Mouths to Leslie after Jimmy turns back around]

    Michael: It's MY home.

  • Jimmy: That was a political action. I'm a goddamned revolutionary!

  • Dr. Putnam: [Discussing Annabelle's behaviour since her reawakening] How are her eating habits?

    Jimmy: She's been eating like a horse.

    Dr. Putnam: Good for her.

    Jimmy: Not good! She keeps going on like this she'll be competing in Miss Large and Tall!

  • Jimmy: What've we got for dinner?

    Dean: Toast.

  • Wild Bill: [discovering his youngest son's been helping sell crack] First year's the hardest.

    Jimmy: What?

    Wild Bill: Yeah that's what they say. "First year's the hardest." It weren't for me. Second year, that was the real killer. First year you can still remember the world - your home, your pals, Sunday roast, what it's like to take a dump without someone watching you. Second year, that's when the hope starts to leave ya. No one left to trust. No one you really like 'cause you're in prison. Everyone's a criminal. They all want to fuck you over. You don't want to go to sleep 'cause, whatever you got, it'll be nicked by the bloke you share your cell with... whose farts and stink you have to put up with twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. Don't want to make friends with no one because, if you do, you make an enemy somewhere else. Nancies who want to rump ya. And, oh, yeah, blokes who don't think nothin' about creeping up behind you with a shank and sticking it in your throat. Do you know what the worst thing is? Do ya? You get used to it. So, Jimbo, what are you gonna do?

  • Jimmy: Holy jumpin' blue-eyed cow!

  • [Jimmy finishes a reefer before driving back]

    Jimmy: Let's go, Jack. I'm red-hot!

    Jack: Better be careful how you drive, or the first thing you know you'll be ice cold.

  • Jimmy: How about driving over to the... Joe's place with me? I'll buy you a soda!

    Bill: I never drink the stuff!

  • Jimmy: I dreamt about you last night - fell out of bed twice!

  • Jimmy: [after their conversation is interrupted by his coach] Can't we kill him instead?

    Roseanne: We'll get him next if we have to.

  • Jimmy: They say they're biting like anything down in the creek.

    Abner Beech: Well stick to your work and they won't bite you.

  • Jimmy: [from trailer] Why does your brilliance have to walk hand in hand with your need to destroy yourself?

  • Jimmy: "If zero is the absolute then nothing we assume is real is".

  • Jimmy: [shows Tina's panties] Why don't you run this through your computer, Teddy Bear?

    Ted: Hey, congratulations, Jimbo.

  • Jimmy: Hey, Ted, where's... where's that, uh, that corkscrew? That fancy corkscrew for the wine bottle? Ted? Hey! Ted! Ted! Hey, Ted, where the hell is the corkscrew?

    [Jason shoves it into Jimmy's hand]

  • Jimmy: He thinks that's funny. He thinks that's a funny thing he's doing.

  • Jimmy: Ted. I think... I think when we get to town I should call Betty.

    Ted: Jimbo, calling Betty is definitely a dead fuck thing to do. Look, first rule of love: never get rejected by the same girl twice. I mean, that's useless. If you want to make a fool out of yourself, always do it with someone new.

    Jimmy: I don't know anyone new.

    Ted: Well, sex is a great way to meet them.

  • Ted: You broke up with "BJ" Betty?

    Jimmy: So to speak. And would you lay off her? She's all right!

    Ted: I'll say she's all right. That girl wanted to be treated right! You should have treated her *right*!

    Jimmy: I did! I treated her right! I treated her right, that's what's driving me so crazy. I mean, first she would tell me to call because she had something else she needed to do. Then she wouldn't even take my calls! I mean, can you figure that? What the fuck happened?

    Ted: Let me put it into the ol' computer.

    Jimmy: No, Ted, I'm serious.

    Ted: Hey, the computer don't lie. Let's see...

    [imitates using a computer, pauses, then smiles]

    Jimmy: What?

    Ted: It says... it says you're a dead fuck.

    Jimmy: What? A dead fuck?

    Ted: A lousy lay, you know...

    [limps his wrist]

    Ted: A limp dick.

    Jimmy: Oh! Don't hold back on me, doc, give it to me straight!

    Ted: I did not say it; the computer did!

    Jimmy: Yeah, well, there is no computer!

    Ted: Aha! And there's no Betty, either.

    Jimmy: And I'm a dead fuck?

    Ted: Like I said, the computer don't lie.

    Jimmy: [sighs] God, I'm horny...

  • Ted: And Jimbo, don't be such a dead fuck.

    Jimmy: I told you... I told you that I didn't like that.

  • Ted: Let me put this into the ol' computer.

    Jimmy: Ted, I'm serious about this.

    Ted: Hey, the computer don't lie.

  • Jimmy: God, they should have handled him more carefully.

    Laurie Strode: Who?

    Jimmy: Michael Myers.

    Laurie Strode: Michael Myers?

    Jimmy: Yeah, he's the guy who was after you tonight.

    Laurie Strode: You mean from the Myers House? That little kid who killed his sister? But he's in a hospital somewhere!

    Jimmy: He escaped last night.

    Laurie Strode: How do you know?

    Jimmy: It's all over the radio. Television too, it's on right now.

    Laurie Strode: [gasps] Why me? I mean, why *me*?

  • Budd: [singing] Amazing Grace, come sit on my face / Don't make cry / I need your pie...

    Jimmy: Look why don't you just shut up, all right?

  • Jimmy: Jill, where's Dr. Mixter?

    Jill: Ah, he's been at the country club. I think he's drunk.

    Budd: Oh, great!

  • Mrs. Alves: I'm trying to reach Mr. or Mrs. Morgan Strode. They've left? Could you give me another number? All right. Thank you. You should've called them right away. Now I can't find them.

    Janet: I didn't know.

    Mrs. Alves: Right away.

    Janet: I'm sorry, Mrs. Alves.

    Jimmy: I'll be with Laurie. Cover for me.

    Mrs. Alves: I heard that. Two minutes. That's it.

  • Mrs. Alves: Time's up, Jimmy. Let's go.

    Jimmy: OK. OK.

    Mrs. Alves: No you won't. Visiting hours are definitely over.

  • Jimmy: Homeless people don't go missing, homeless people *are* missing.

  • Kate: Okay, listen to me, I really don't mean to be rude but I don't care about your life story right now, we have to get to the security guard as soon as possible

    Jimmy: You're a cheeky, fuckin' bitch, do you know that?

  • Jimmy: [after Kate explains an attack] It sounds to me like some vigilante train driver got a wee bit carried away. The way I see it, you should be thankin' the man, not runnin' away from him.

    Kate: No, no, no, you have no idea. You didn't see what he did to Guy.

    Jimmy: The rapist?

    Mandy: Can I have a fag, Jim?

    Kate: I'm telling you, something is not *right* down here!

    Jimmy: [after he hands Mandy a cigarette, which she is not aware of] There's a lot of things not right doon 'ere, sweetheart.

    Mandy: Can I have a fag, Jim?

    Jimmy: You've got one in your fingers, babe!

  • Jimmy: [They have discovered a barely alive Guy on the tracks] What you lookin at me for?

    Kate: I don't know. Can we just get him off the rails?

    Jimmy: He tried to rape you - let him rot!

    Guy: Please - help!

    Jimmy: FUCK off!

  • Jimmy: [realising Kate needs help, and has paid him money to help her find the guard] Mandy... babe! Gonna help our wee friend Kate here

    Mandy: [under the influence, soon after the introductions] Who?

    Jimmy: Gonna help our friend Kate here, gonna take her to see the guard

    Mandy: [after an uncertain silence] D'ya fancy 'er?

    Jimmy: No, I fancy you

    [kisses her cheek]

  • Jimmy: So what are you, French?

    Kate: No, I'm German.

    Jimmy: German? I support Germany when they're playing against England at football. Come to think of it I support anyone who's playing against England at football.

  • Jimmy: The lights go off every 6 minutes. You know, save electricity and stuff. If you spend a day in the halls, you have to hit the switch 240 times.

  • Jimmy: How do you know when someone really loves you?

    Mary: That girl really had an effect on you, didn't she?

    Jimmy: Tell me.

    Mary: When you're willing to sacrifice everything for someone. There's no great love without it.

  • Jimmy: Bitch, you crazy?

  • Jimmy: Because he's dead, right?

    Custodian: Because he's in hell.

  • [In the dark, Trish sees car lights in the distance]

    Trish: I see something!

    Jimmy: Oh yes! Oh yes!

  • Jimmy: Nocturna? What sort of name is that?

    Nocturna: It's an old Transylvanian name. It means, uh, "of the night."

  • Nocturna: Hey! I've got a wild idea! Why don't we stay up all night and see the sunrise? I've never seen a sunrise.

    Jimmy: Yeah, but you know how dangerous that is.

    Nocturna: Oh, I'm sure it's gonna be alright!

  • Jimmy: What happened? Where's Nocturna?

    Jugulia: She's left with her grandfather.

    Jimmy: I've got to stop him!

    Jugulia: You can't. He's a vampire, he'll destroy you.

    Jimmy: I don't care. I love her.

    Jugulia: I understand.

  • Nocturna: You're embarrassing me.

    Jimmy: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to embarrass you.

    Nocturna: I loved it! It was fantastic!

  • Jimmy: We're not famous, but we will be, you wait. We cut a record last year.

    Nocturna: I'd love to hear it sometime.

    Jimmy: Well, I've got a cassette player in my room.

  • Nocturna: This is the first time I've really enjoyed making love.

    Jimmy: I like you very much. Very much!

  • Mr. Haskins: [holding a grocery list] Where'd this come from?

    Jimmy: Somebody stuck it under the door.

    Mr. Haskins: [annoyed] Uhh...

    Jimmy: Don't you think it's kinda funny? Sticking a note under the door?

    Mr. Haskins: No! And don't go trying to make a mystery out of it! Somebody probably to busy to pick up the stuff.

    Jimmy: Could be the Creeper.

    Mr. Haskins: [very annoyed] Creeper, Creeper, Creeper! YOU GIVE ME THE CREEPS!

    Jimmy: Well he could be. That'd be a swell reason why he wouldn't wanna see anyone, or come out, 'cept at night.

    Mr. Haskins: Well you've just gotta deliver these groceries. And don't forget the money! A dollar and a quarter.

    Jimmy: OK... but I still think it could be...

    Mr. Haskins: I know! So he's The Creeper. Well you just creep along with that - I mean, hurry up with that stuff! And then get back and do the rest of your work!

  • Jimmy: Nope. Nobody there. We're fifteen miles from town. Not even Jehovah's Witnesses can find us.

  • Jimmy: I haven't even broken the law yet. You fuckers were on my proptery. I can write-orr the cost of killin' all y'all in next years taxes. Now that's a country I love to call home.

  • [last lines]

    Jimmy: [as he electrocutes him] You know what time it is Zack? Dead Time

    [a powers surge causes Zack's head to explode]

  • [Jimmy and Denny rescue Dale from a runaway horse, but it turns out she didn't want to be rescued]

    Jimmy: You're all right now!

    Dale Harding: That's what you think, tall, dark and meddlesome.

  • Jimmy: Why don't you come outside?

    Dale Harding: No, it's past my bedtime.

    Jimmy: Goin' to bed in your riding clothes? 'Course it's a good idea if you're going to have nightmares.

  • [Dale repeatedly refers to Jimmy and Denny as the Rover Boys]

    Dale Harding: Are you following me, Rover?

    Jimmy: Yes, and I wish you'd quit callin' me, "Rover".

    Dale Harding: Why not, you're doggin' my steps.

  • [wandering around an abandoned mine is getting on Lasses' nerves]

    Lasses: We've been walkin' a long time. I hope my knees hold up.

    Jimmy: If you quit knockin' 'em together, they will.

  • Jimmy: What happened? I come in with a girl. How are you boys? Ha-cha. Cha-chaaaa!

  • Jimmy: I just come from "Grand Hotel". And say, don't ever take your gal to see "Grand Hotel". Why, one look at that guy Barrymore and you're out! Why, you become a crumb. You know, Barrymore's got this-er and that-er. I ain't got this-er and that-er.

  • Jimmy: Garbo! Garbo. Garbo. Garbo. Garbo! Garbo! Garbo. Garbo.

    Blondie: [in a Swedish accent] Who are you? Why are you here?

    Jimmy: To breathe the air you breathe. I'm nuts about it! I'm nuts about it.

    Blondie: Oh, that face. Why does it look at me like that?

    Jimmy: Because I'm a cad.

    Blondie: Cad?

    Jimmy: How tired you are.

    Blondie: Yes. I am tired. So, tired...

    Jimmy: You killing me.

    Blondie: Go! I want to be alone.

    Jimmy: What a mama! What a mama. Please, please, please let me stay.

    Blondie: Well, just for the week then.

  • Jimmy: [Flaunting a copy of The Morning Gazette with the headline KILLER DELMAR ESCAPES!] How d'ya like my scoop?

    Newsstand girl: [uninterested] Awright.

    Jimmy: Alright? Say listen, when I get news it's so hot they have to print it on asbestos.

    Newsstand girl: Say, don't you ever stop patting yourself on the back?

    Jimmy: Sure, when I'm sunburnt. Listen honey, how would you like to have dinner with the best reporter in town?

    Newsstand girl: I'd love it. Where is he?

    Jimmy: Well, you're looking right at him. Jimmy Hawley in person, not a picture.

    Newsstand girl: Aw, you newsguys are all alike. Last time I had a date with one he left me flat while he was out chasin' police cars.

    Jimmy: Oh, not me, honey. My day's work is done when I punch the clock. Now first I'll take you to dinner, then to a picture show. Whaddya say?

    Newsstand girl: No.

    Jimmy: Aw, come off. Can't ya see that nice thick, juicy steak smothered in onions and mushrooms, french fried potatoes, coffee, apple pie a la mode...

    Newsstand girl: Ya got me boy. But the only reason I'm goin' is 'cause I'm hungry. When do we eat?

    Jimmy: Right now. Get your hat.

    Newsstand girl: Watch it for me, will ya Pearl? I got a supper.

    Police dispatcher: [sirens are heard] ... Los Angeles Police Department calling cars, attention please... Cars 15, 16, 17, 18, go to Union Station. Pick up officers on your way. Killer Delmar reported in vicinity.

    Cop in car: ...Step on it!

    [More police chatter]

    Jimmy: [Jimmy jumps on the running board of a police car] Delmar, eh?

    Cop in car: Yeah.

    Jimmy: Come on, step on it!

    [Newsstand girl comes out on the sidewalk, ready for dinner, looks all around for Jimmy, and realizes she's been stood up yet again]

  • Jimmy: Oh honey, this is gonna make a great story! Can't ya see those headlines? "KILLER DELMAR RECAPTURED AFTER FIERCE BATTLE ON TRAIN! FIVE MEN KILLED!" Oh baby, what a story!

  • Jimmy: [to the American flyers] Oh, say can you see, by dawns early light!

  • Jimmy: [repeated line to the American flyers] Good morning, American bum!

    Duke Sinclaire: I'm not sure I like being called a "bum"! I've always thought of myself as more of a "tramp".

  • Jimmy: What happens to the people who never fall in love? You never hear about them.

  • Whitney: Oh no, are you okay? Oh my God!

    Jimmy: What happened?

    Whitney: I hit you with my car.

    Jimmy: On purpose?

  • Jimmy: And this chicken is the Miss America of the 80s?

    Adrian: No, Jimmy. You are.


    Adrian: Here he is, Miss America...

    Designer: No. I think Margaret is Miss America.

    Photographer: I think it's Jimmy.

    Jack: You just say that because you're gay

    Designer's Assistant: Oh, he's not gay all the time!

    Photographer: I seriously think Jimmy is the new Miss America. He has all the mannerisms of a sex symbol.

    Jack: That's what we should call this! Make it a series. "The two Miss Americas."

    Photographer: Great idea! And we could end it with the two of them fucking!

    Margaret: He can't fuck.

    Jimmy: I can too fuck. I just can't fuck you.

  • Jimmy: Tell them what you told me.

    Phil the Alien: I like whiskey.

    Jimmy: No, after that.

    Phil the Alien: On my planet, there is no violence.

    Ginger: That's so inspiring.

    Phil the Alien: Except for twice a year when the weather changes, and then there is a brief period of ultra-violence.

  • Jimmy: Are you staying with friends?

    Phil the Alien: I'm staying with a beaver, down by the brook.

    Jimmy: Oh... ha... Sounds good!

    Phil the Alien: It's good.

  • Jimmy: [opening monologue] This road you're on... you put yourself on this road... on this exact night. Who chose this? A man makes his destiny, right? Nothing makes the gods laugh harder.

  • Jimmy: Do you want to like get some ice cream or something?

    Deirdre: How old are you, 13?

  • Ed: [getting out car] Remember the redhead, the one who was at the end of the bar?

    Jimmy: She's in the trunk?

  • Jimmy: Listen, the target, in my mailbox - Lopez may not be the guy

    Ed: Really? Wow, sorry.

    Jimmy: Yeah, I think it's a Valentine from an old buddy, who just got paroled from Creekmore.

    Ed: So you're gonna go down there and fuck with him, like you did Lopez? That worked out really well.

    Jimmy: No, no, he's not gonna know I'm there. It'll be, err, reconnaissance.

    Ed: Reconnaissance? Oh, what are you, a Navy Seal?

  • Deirdre: Somebody's casing the joint.

    Jimmy: Nah, it's probably one of those Autodialers. Lowest form of organic life, a Telemarketer.

  • Jimmy: I could have been a highway statistic yesterday, and you're giving me shit.

    Deirdre: You drive too fast, and you're always on the stupid phone.

    Jimmy: Oh damn, you look good.

    Deirdre: Jimmy, don't. I'm showing a four bedroom.

    Jimmy: All I said is you look good.

    Deirdre: Yeah well you say that.

    Jimmy: I was thinking, that split second before I almost became road meat...

    Deirdre: Fuck you, don't even joke.

    Jimmy: ...How I would miss the smell of your hair. The soft curve of your neck. How I might check out without touching my angel one last time.

    Deirdre: You thought all that in one second?

    Jimmy: Yeah.

    [begins kissing her neck]

    Deirdre: It's amazing, this guy still thinks he's getting laid.

  • Jimmy: I'm not gonna kill anyone.

    Solomon Grundy: No... But I might!

  • Jimmy: Are you still there, Solomon?

  • Jimmy: Mr. Woodfoot, how come Charley hates Indians so much?

    Woodfoot: Now that's a good question, my boy. It's kinda funny, you know? Charley beats his horse, just like an Indian. Charley's free with his women, just like an Indian. Charley even blows his nose on his fingers, just like an Indian. I just don't get it.

  • Spud Kilton: [Spud is keen to introduce his friends to his big brother, the Army man] I want you to meet my brother, Jed. Jed, this is Jimmy.

    Captain Jed Kilton: Hello, Jimmy.

    Spud Kilton: His mother and father are Chinese.

    Jimmy: Yes.

    Spud Kilton: [then he turns to his black friend] And this is Abraham.

    Abraham: My ma and pa are Republicans.

    [everyone laughs]

  • Jimmy: Hey, Shakespeare! How's it going?

    Joe Turner: Terrific. I'm building up a great collection of rejection slips.

    Jimmy: [as he prepares Turner's lunch order] Yeah, I know the feeling. I always wanted to be Escoffier.

    Joe Turner: Well, maybe it's not too late. You know, Van Gogh was thirty before he started to paint.

    Jimmy: No kiddin'?

    Joe Turner: There's no mayonnaise on Dr. Lappe. On the other hand, Mozart was three when he started to play the piano, and he was composing at six.

    Jimmy: Fast starter. 'S probably better.

    Joe Turner: Well, I don't know. Van Gogh never sold a painting in a whole lifetime. Mozart died a pauper.

  • [first lines]

    Grant: This is a *nice* hotel.

    Jimmy: Yep. Built in the 1900s by a railroad tycoon for his wife. She was a socialite. Had a lot of friends, liked to entertain.

    Grant: Is that a fact.

    Jimmy: Yep. Then she died after World War II and was closed for many years. Then a corporation bought it, and now it's being turned into luxury condos.

    Grant: Luxury condos... So that's why it's empty, huh?

    Jimmy: Yep. Well I'll tell you the truth, Grant, we are the last guests. I bribed the management. They're going to start renovation on Monday.

    Grant: I gotta tell ya, I'm impressed. This is a class-ass act.

    Jimmy: Nothin' but the best for the Annabell dating service...

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