Jim Douglas Quotes in Herbie Goes to Monte Carlo (1977)

[In the final stage of the race, Bruno Von Stickle won't let Herbie pass him]

Wheely Applegate: Dirty road hog! Why doesn't he learn how to drive?

Jim Douglas: He knows how to drive, that's the trouble!

[They go round a pair of sharp curves, and Von Stickle does a better job of taking them than Herbie]

Wheely Applegate: Yeah, I see what you mean.

Wheely Applegate: [about a French man's response to a racing story he just told him] I didn't understand what he was saying.

Jim Douglas: That's OK. He didn't understand what you were saying either. Come to think of it, I don't think *I* understood what you were saying.

Jim Douglas: You listen to me, Herbie, and you listen good. Now, you and I did not come out of mothballs to be the laughingstock of the continent.

[Wheely and Jim are dusussing to each other about females]

Wheely Applegate: They never say what they mean. That's what makes the female the species deadlier than the male.

Jim Douglas: You read that some place?

Wheely Applegate: Yes, and I've got a mother, three sisters, and two ex-wives to prove it. Oh, they never told me they wanted me out of the house, but every time I came home, the lock was changed.

Jim Douglas: Is that a knocking I hear in the gas tank?

Wheely Applegate: Not in my gas tank. Never!

Jim Douglas: Sounds like something clonking around in there.

Wheely Applegate: [not giving in to any problems that could deprive them from their chance of winning the race] Well, we either listen to the driver and stop to take the gas tank apart, or we listen to the mechanic and try to win this race.

Jim Douglas: I'm listening to the mechanic.

[Jim and Wheely both suddenly notice that Herbie is gone]

Jim Douglas: Herbie!

Wheely Applegate: You mean "no Herbie."

Wheely Applegate: All taken care of, Jim. Had a little talk with Herbie. Had to straighten him out. I don't mind having a car that's got a heart, but I will not tolerate a car falling in love with another car.

Jim Douglas: What did you expect him to fall in love with? The Goodyear blimp?

Wheely Applegate: The Goodyear - - Yeah.

[laughs]

Wheely Applegate: Anyway, I said "Listen Herbie, we're over here for one thing and one thing only. And that's to make the biggest comeback in racing history. So, no women in training camp. You just forget that little chick, and you can do it. Just a matter of mind over metal."

Jim Douglas: [signing in to the qualifying round] Douglas and Applegate.

Race official: Douglas. Ah, yes, Monsieur Douglas. You're in the heat after this one. Good luck.

Bruno Von Stickle: That's the same heat I'm in, Douglas. You're going to need more than luck. You're going to need wings.

Wheely Applegate: Oh, yeah? Well, you may just be in for a little surprise.

Bruno Von Stickle: [chuckles] I can see your surprise. It is very little.

[Herbie drives his front wheels onto a hose with a squirter at the end which Von Stickle is using to wash his car; where he look straight at it, wondering what happened to the water. Right on target, Herbie goes off the hose, and causes Von Stickle to get squirted in the face]

Jim Douglas: Look for an even bigger surprise when the race starts.

Jim Douglas: [about Herbie] He's out of his mind.

Wheely Applegate: He's out of his mind, all right. Over that luscious little Lancia.

Jim Douglas: Now wait a minute, buddy.

Diane Darcy: [takes off her helmet] What do you mean "buddy"?

Jim Douglas: Uh, Miss Buddy.

Jim Douglas: Come on, you come with us.

Diane Darcy: No, no, I'm - I'm gonna stay with my car.

Wheely Applegate: Looks like we're all gonna stay with her car.

[we see Herbie drive up and park right next to the Lancia, where they open each other's doors to kiss]

Wheely Applegate: [Herbie pulled the Diane Darcy's Lancia out of lake, after Jim Douglas & Wheely Applegate rescued her, from drowning Diane Darcy then spoke to Herbie]

Diane Darcy: Uh, Herbie? Now, listen to me. Uh, Herbie, I know just how you feel... but I know you're also not a quitter. Now show 'em you can do it. Win it for them!

[Diane's Launcha horn honks]

Diane Darcy: And for her.

Wheely Applegate: [sees their opponent Bruno Von Stickle whiz by them, and he says a line that Jim said earlier, that goes with the problem] Well, you can believe this: We are now out of the money, because 'sometimes a comeback comes second.'

Jim Douglas: Who's giving up, buddy? Not Me!

Jim Douglas: [trying to think of any clue of where Herbie and the Lancia could be, but Diane misunderstands him and thinks that he is trying to be fresh with her] Where would you take a boyfriend on his first night to Paris?

Diane Darcy: 'Boyfriend?' Don't tell me this is your cute way of making a pass.

Jim Douglas: If I had romance in mind, would he be along?

[points to Wheely]

Wheely Applegate: Right.

[suddenly makes an annoyed-looking frown]

Jim Douglas: We've lost our car, and we'd like to know if you've seen it by any chance.

Diane Darcy: Who cares about your silly Volkswagen? My Lancia has been stolen!

Waiter: [points to Diane] Uh, your car.

[then points over to Jim and Wheely]

Waiter: And your car.

Jim Douglas: Yes.

Waiter: I saw them both.

Diane Darcy: Then you saw who stole them?

Waiter: You would not believe this. I would not believe this. No one would believe this.

Jim Douglas: What?

Waiter: I think they steal each other.

Jim Douglas: I, I hate to mention this again... but I heard some clunking...

Wheely Applegate: You mean that nonsense about the gas tank?

Jim Douglas: Yeah, that's...

Wheely Applegate: All right, let's get it straight, once and for all... who the mechanic is around here, okay? You say it's the gas tank, and I say it isn't the gas tank. You see? It isn't the gas tank. It's this... rock that was in the gas tank.

[Clears throat]

Jim Douglas: Hold it! There's only one kind of rock that glistens like that.

Wheely Applegate: Well, sure, quartz. You can find millions of'em around any quarry in Philly.

Jim Douglas: But... not one that's worth... 6,000,000 bucks.

Wheely Applegate: Huh?

Jim Douglas: L 'etoile dejoie.

Wheely Applegate: The tall, the what?

Jim Douglas: Etoile dejoie.

Wheely Applegate: [Gasps] Oh, wow! That's...

[Gasps]

Wheely Applegate: That's the biggest hunk of diamond I've ever seen in my life.

Jim Douglas: What I don't understand is how it - The black sedan!

Wheely Applegate: Huh? Where?

Jim Douglas: No, no, no. They're the ones that robbed the museum. Don't you see? They weren't trying to knock us out of the race. They were trying to get this out of Herbie.

Max: [But suddenly coming behind] Thank you for helping us, gentlemen, and up with your hands.

Quincey: You gave us the slip for the last time.

Max: We'll take the rock.

Wheely Applegate: [Clearing throat] I don't suppose you'd believe that was just a big hunk of quartz.

Max: [Chuckles] The rock. Let me have it.

Jim Douglas: Why is it the only food we have in this house is parrot food? I mean, we don't *have* a parrot.

Tennessee Steinmetz: Eat that! That's good. That's pressed kelp. That aerates your liver.

[Tenessee's car is gone]

Jim Douglas: Where's the beast? You didn't cut up the Edsel!

[the Edsel grill is hanging on a rack with many cut up car parts]

Tennessee Steinmetz: Came over me all of a sudden. Seemed like the only decent thing do. Believe me, Jim, it'll be happier up there.

[Jim suddenly bursts into laughter]

Tennessee Steinmetz: Herbie's all right.

Jim Douglas: Who's Herbie?

Tennessee Steinmetz: This little car. Named after my Uncle Herb. He used to box middleweight. Preliminary, mostly. Gradually, his nose got shaped more and more like to remind me of this little car. Do you mind?

Jim Douglas: [laughing with him] Whatever you say, Tennessee.

Tennessee Steinmetz: I'm not saying a mechanical thing, can't be a friend. Like when, I was broke one summer, and there was this giant claw-machine in the Sutro amusement park, and it would grab cameras and watches and drop 'em down a hole to me, and I would hock 'em and buy lunch. You followin' me?

Jim Douglas: Yeah, yeah... I think you were up on that mountaintop too long.

Tennessee Steinmetz: Contrariwise, the traffic light down the street hates my guts. I don't know why, but in the last six months, I haven't caught anything but a stop signal. And it makes me wait SIX SECONDS LONGER than anybody else; I timed it! 'Course, those things like that happen to lots of other people, too, but the other people, they don't tell no other people, because the other people, they'd say, "Hey-ey-ey-ey-ey."

Jim Douglas: Tennessee, that traffic light is a lot of nuts and bolts. This little car, a lot of nuts and bolts. Everything explains itself one way or the other.

[first lines]

Jim Douglas: I'd like another shot at that prize money. Okay for next Sunday?

Bice: No, Jim, it ain't okay.

Jim Douglas: Now, look, Bice, I know...

Bice: No, *you* look. All my drivers are eighteen, nineteen... You're too old for these kid sports. You're liable to get hurt in there.

Jim Douglas: Without a real car, I'm only half a man.

Jim Douglas: What do you know? Engine stalled.

Carole: [tries to get out] How about that? Door's stuck. That's how it is with cars sometimes. I guess we'll have to wait and see what happens next.

Jim Douglas: Well, as someone very wisely once said, "That's how it is with cars sometimes."

Carole: I just said that.

Jim Douglas: Oh.

Jim Douglas: You don't understand what happens, do you? They make ten thousand cars, they make them exactly the same way, and one or two of 'em turn out to be something special. Nobody knows why.

Tennessee Steinmetz: I know why.

Jim Douglas: I may be kidding myself, but I think I can make something out of that sad little bucket of bolts.

[Thorndyke kicks not-yet-named "Herbie" the little white car in his shop]

Jim Douglas: What's that for?

Mr. Thorndyke: I beg your pardon!

Jim Douglas: Well, why don't you let the little car alone?

Mr. Thorndyke: Are you presuming to tell me what to do in my own establishment?

Jim Douglas: Okay, I'm out of line. It just bugs me to see somebody abusing a decent piece of machinery.

Mr. Thorndyke: [laughs] How fascinating. Well, now that we've had the benefit of your point of view, shall we regard our relationship as terminated?

Jim Douglas: Has everybody gone nuts around here? I can understand how Tennessee feels, he's just in off a flying saucer.

Carole: I wonder if your reputation is altogether true.

Jim Douglas: What's my reputation?

Carole: Well, I've heard that Jim Douglas is only interested in fast cars and easy money.

Jim Douglas: Not true.

Carole: Oh.

Jim Douglas: Mm-hmm. You know something else?

Carole: What?

Jim Douglas: When the light hits you just right, you're as beautiful as General Grant on a fifty-dollar bill.

[Jim brings the malfunctioning Herbie back to Thorndyke. It accidentally bangs against Thorndyke's Rolls Royce and stops. Jim gets out]

Mr. Thorndyke: Have you gone mad?

Jim Douglas: Okay, what's the joke?

Mr. Thorndyke: What do you mean?

Jim Douglas: I don't know how you rigged it, but I'm sure that car is a real cut-up when a convention comes to town.

Mr. Thorndyke: What in the name of...

Jim Douglas: If I'd wanted a trick car, I would have bought one at a joke shop.

Mr. Thorndyke: [as Carole joins him] Allow me to say that I haven't the slightest idea what you're talking about. You come billowing up in that beastly little car, and assault my personal Rolls Royce.

Jim Douglas: ...I brought it back! I want my money, I want the papers I signed, and then I'll get outta here, and you two clowns can... can have your little laugh.

Carole: Mr. Douglas, if there is anything wrong with the car, would you be good enough to tell me what it is?

Jim Douglas: Well, there's nothing essentially wrong with the car. It's just that it wants to go one way and I'd like to go the other.

Mr. Thorndyke: Well, whatever it is, none of it is covered in our guilt-headed guarantee.

Jim Douglas: Oh, I'm sure of that.

Jim Douglas: [on the phone] Yeah, yeah, Thorndyke. I know what you did to my car. You need your brains kicked out.

Bice: You used to be a big-track driver, ain't you got no pride?

Jim Douglas: I ran out of pride when I ran out of cars.

Carole: [Herbie is acting up] Will you stop the car, please?

Jim Douglas: I'm trying! Look!

[he tries to take the key out and press the brakes]

Jim Douglas: It's just like I told you! This thing is starting to act up again.

Carole: How very odd; when I was driving, there was no problem whatsoever.

Carole: Have you had much experience with cars?

Jim Douglas: Look, lady, by profession, I'm a racing driver.

Carole: Oh, *that* Jim Douglas.

Jim Douglas: What do you mean, "*that* Jim Douglas"?

Carole: Let's see, two years ago, at Laguna Seca, you spun out and hung a beautiful Buick Special on the back fence. At Willow Springs, was it a year ago... last February, you sprayed a Lotus all over the infield.

Jim Douglas: How do you know all that?

Carole: I have trouble with names and faces, but I never forget a car.

Detective: [to Jim, about the not-yet-named "Herbie" white VW bug] Forgive me for pointing, but have you ever seen that car before?

Jim Douglas: No. No, I haven't.

Tennessee Steinmetz: Hey, he's a cute little fellow.

Jim Douglas: [takes another look] Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute. I think I saw that car at an agency yesterday.

Detective: Now, permit me to inform you of the following: first, say nothing that would jeopardize your constitutional rights. And second, the minute that you get downtown, I would advise that you find a good lawyer. Shall we go?

Jim Douglas: Go? What for?

Detective: On suspicion of grand theft.

Jim Douglas: Now wait a minute, there's something cockeyed about this. How did that little car get here?

Detective: I share your curiosity. Shall we go?

[Jim laughs]