Jim Quotes in Live Free or Die Hard (2007)

Lucy McClane: Dad! Stop it! I mean it!

Jim: Dad? You said your dad was dead!

John McClane: What? You told this jerk-off I was dead? You actually said that?

Lucy McClane: I may have exaggerated a little bit.

Jim: Look! We just want the money! You guys can walk away, we won't kill you!

Bob: He's smiling.

Jim: Is that bad?

Frank: Very.

Cole: Why the hell aren't we the "Younger-James" gang? I mean we got three Younger brothers and two James brothers.

Jim: Well, I kinda like the sound of the "James-Younger" gang.

Cole: Hey Jim, I'll beat the piss out of you right now, now stay out of this.

Bob: Oh, Jimmy's got a point, Cole. The "Younger-James" gang is confusing.

Cole: How's that, Bob?

Bob: Well, say we burst into a bank and we go, "We're the Younger-James gang!" Now people are gonna be thinkin', "The younger James gang? Is there an older James gang? How come we never heard of the older James gang?" So people are tryin' to figure that out instead of raisin' their arms.

Jesse James: Drinking whiskey, Jim? You're too young to be drinking whiskey.

Jim: Not too young to shoot a man, not too young to drink whiskey!

Jim: Do you know what jungle herb cures the poisonous bite of the river snake? Do you know where the only land route is around the white waters of death? Do you know the way through the secret maze caves that lie underneath Hangman's Cliff? Huh, do you?

Margo Hunt: Well, no, I don't. Do you?

Jim: Well, no, but I have this paperback.

Jim: All you women have ever done is, what? Some French chick invented kryptonite, or something.

Jim: Oh my God, you're marinating me!

[Dr. Hunt, Bunny and Jim are on a boat on the river into the Avocado Jungle]

Bunny: [frightened] What was that?

Margo Hunt: Something went under the boat - something big!

Jim: Ah, it's probably just a rock.

Margo Hunt: Hardly.

[There is a splashing sound]

Margo Hunt: A hippo, look!

Jim: [derisively] A hippo? In California?

Margo Hunt: The Palm Springs hippo. It's a lighter version than its African cousin because of the low-cholesterol diet. But it's just as deadly!

[the trio comes upon the tents of the men who live in symbiosis with the Piranha Women]

Bunny: What are they called?

Margo Hunt: The Donahues.

[to the frightened men in their tents]

Margo Hunt: Come on out! Don't be afraid!

Bunny: We won't eat you! We promise. Don't be afraid.

Margo Hunt: I'm an ethnographer!

[the men come out of their tents, crawling on all fours]

Jim: [disgusted] God, what wimps!

Margo Hunt: It's a different culture, Jim!

Bunny: [clutching her hands beneath her chin] I think they're sweet.

[the men offer pieces of fabric]

Margo Hunt: Oh, thank you! It's beautiful.

[the crawling men start to chant: "Donahue! Alan Alda! Mark Harman! Walter Mondale!"]

Jim: Gee, you guys are pretty big, for wimps. Of course, the joke's on you when those broads come back and start picking out ingredients for chicken McMacho.

Jim: Bunny, don't worry! You'll save me!

Dr. Margo Hunt: The secret temple of the Piranha women. Their architecture is surprisingly advanced.

Jim: It looks like a big lego to me.

[Dr. Hunt, Jim and Bunny are making their way through the jungle and finding knitted pot-holders and doilies hung upon the trees as they progress]

Margo Hunt: We want to be the first outsiders ever to make contact.

Jim: They're disgusting!

Bunny: Who?

Margo Hunt: They're not disgusting. You think that anyone who chooses to live their life differently than you is disgusting. Well, different life-styles have different traditions, Jim.

Jim: They're snivelling worms and I don't have the stomach to look at them.

Bunny: Who?

Margo Hunt: It's just a legend, really, that in the Avocado Jungle, there's a tribe of men who live apart from the Piranha Women.

Jim: And cower in fear of them.

Margo Hunt: They have different cultures, Jim! They're really very caring and nurturing.

Jim: They're a bunch of wienies!

Bunny: They make pot-holders?

Margo Hunt: Well, they make baked goods, sew their own clothes, and they leave out handicrafts for the Piranha Women. And, in return, they don't eat them! Kind of a symbiotic relationship.

Jim: Kind of an idiotic relationship is more like it!

Jim: I'd rather have you kill me than make me a gelding.

Margo Hunt: It was a one-night stand. I was half-drunk and left right after we had sex. We didn't say eight words to each other, and all yours were composed of one syllable.

Jim: Hah! Just like you to count the words, Dr. Hunt.

Jim: My mother was Korean, and my father was Black American. She gave me this picture when she was real sick. I was only nine years old.

Jim: Forget about it, Suzi. The guy's dead now, somewhere at the bottom of this lake if you believe the stories.

Suzi: What stories?

Jim: There was this boy named Jason Voorhees who drowned in Crystal Lake about 30 years ago. None of the counselors heard him. A bunch of years went by, and everyone forgot about it. And that's when the murders started to happen.

Suzi: Jason did it?

Jim: His mother blamed the counselors for her son's death, and she tried to kill them all, but she got her head chopped off by one of them. Legend has it that Jason came back to get even, vowing to kill every teenager in the area. And every now and then, the murders just start up. Forget about it, Suzi. They're just stories.

Huck Finn: I'm sorry Jim... I didn't want this to happen.

Jim: You're still my best and only friend.

Huck Finn: You're the best friend I ever had, Jim.

Jim: You're the only friend I ever had...

Huck Finn: [Jim appears wearing a silly African costume and looks disgusted] What in hell's bells are you supposed to be?

Jim: The King said I was a Swahili warrior. He even taught me some Swahili or what he said was Swahili. Sounded like a pig in heat to me.

Jim: [assuming Seng is enemy Japanese fighter, charges at him with fists up]

Seng: [urgently, in Hokkien] Wait wait wait wait wait! Me...

Seng: [points to Dalforce armband, then in halting English] Chinese... Chinese.

Seng: [in Hokkien, weakly] I still don't know what name you're known by.

Jim: [silent, not understanding Ah Seng's words]

Seng: [pointing to self, in Hokkien, weakly] Me... Ah Seng.

Jim: [repeats haltingly] Sheng...

Seng: [smiles, in Hokkien, weakly] Ah Seng.

Jim: [repeats slowly] Ah Sheng...

Seng: [in Hokkien, more softly] Ah Seng.

Jim: Ah Shing.

Seng: [pointing at Jim, in Hokkien, weakly] And you?

Jim: [pointing to self] Jim.

Seng: [weakly, almost inaudible] Jim...

Jim: [still pointing to self] Jim.

Seng: [weakly] Jim... Jim.

[At this moment, Jim and Seng are discovered by enemy Japanese soldiers. Seng is dragged to the forecourt of a large Chinese tomb, and then shot point-blank by a Japanese soldier]

Jim: I shor don't like this royal nonsense business. Stealin' poor peoples' money. That's - that's down right dishonest.

Huckleberry Finn: Well you're stealin' yourself from Miss Watson, aintchya? Now stealin' is stealin', Jim.

Jim: Well thay is stealin' and thay is stealin'. But this here - is stealin'.

Huckleberry Finn: Jim, your blood's red, same as mine.

Jim: You didn't know that before, Huck?

Jim: That's a - that's a hex. Now I ain't superstitious or nuthin' - but uh - well - with a friends life, you don't want to take too many chances.

Jim: You ain't ordering me off, Davey. I'm leaving of my own accord but not without Rachel. I offered to buy you out fair and square.

[dying of radiation poisoning]

Hilda: Shall we... pray, dear?

Jim: Pray?

Hilda: Yes.

Jim: All right then... But... to who?

Hilda: God, of course.

Jim: Oh, oh, oh, I see... Yes, yes... Would that be the correct thing?

Hilda: It can't do any harm, dear.

Jim: Ok, um... Here it goes... Dear sir...

Hilda: No, that's wrong, dear.

Jim: Well, uh... How, how do you start?

Hilda: Our God...

Jim: -our help, in ages past...

Hilda: That's it, dear. Keep it up.

Jim: Almighty and most merciful father...

Hilda: That's good.

Jim: Dearly beloved... we are gathered... unto thee. I shall fear no evil. Thy rod and thy staff comfort me all the days of my life.

[beginning to suffocate]

Jim: Lay me down in green pastures... I... I can't remember anymore.

Hilda: That was nice, dear. I liked the bit about the green pastures.

Jim: Oh, yes, yes. Into the valley of the shadow of death...

Hilda: Oh, no more love. No more.

Jim: ...rode the six hundred.

[they die]

Announcer: We are now interrupting this broadcast for an official government announcement. An enemy missile attack has been launched against this country. It is estimated that the missles will arrive in approximately three minutes. Three minutes.

Jim: God almighty, Ducks! There's only three minutes to go!

Hilda: Oh dear! I'll just get the wash in.

Jim: Come back you stupid bitch, and get in the shelter!

Hilda: How dare you talk to me like that, James!

Jim: Shut up and get in!

Hilda: There's no need to forget your manners just because there's a war on.

Jim: I wonder if there's any radiation about.

Hilda: Well, I can't see anything.

Jim: Hurry up dear and get back in the Inner Core or Refuge. We'd better have an early night.

Hilda: Well if you can't see it and can't feel it, it can't be doing you any harm, can it?

Hilda: The grass looks a funny color.

Jim: Yes. I'll pop down to Mr. Sponge's tomorrow and get some bone meal and dried blood.

Hilda: He may be closed due to the bomb dear.

Jim: What, old Sponge? Heh heh. Miss a day's trade? Oh not him. He'd rather die.

Hilda: Look! My hair's coming out.

Jim: Don't, don't, don't worry, Dearest! Don't worry! Don't worry! Women don't go bald. No! That's a... that's a scientific fact!

Hilda: Ooh, it's stuffy in these bags.

Jim: Now you know what it feels like to be a potato.

Hilda: [chuckles] I should hate that, being buried in the ground.

Jim: Oh yes, so would I, give me cremation every time.

Hilda: Oh me too.

Hilda: Will we have an Anderson, like in the last war?

Jim: Oh no Dear, that's old-fashioned, with modern scientific methods you just use doors with cushions on top.

Jim: [reading from pamphlet] During this period, reduced external stimuli may produce problems of group behavior.

Hilda: Oh yes, I see, Dear.

Jim: [reading from pamphlet] Steps to combat this may include the following: At intervals, stimulate group activities...

Hilda: Don't you dare start stimulating, James. I'm not in the mood.

Jim: We must keep abreast of the international situation, Love. See, the decisions made by the powers-that-be will get to us in the end.

Jim: Well, you can't expect things to be normal after the bomb. Difficulties will be experienced throughout the duration of the emergency period. Normality will only be assumed after the cessation of hostilities.

Jim: Just my own naked self and the stars breathing down, it's beautiful.

Jim: You gotta have presence on the court. Presence like a cheetah rather than a chimp. Sure, they both got it, but Chimpy gotta jump his nuts around to get it. The shy cheetah moves with total nonchalance, stickin' it to them in his sexy, slow strut. Me? I play like a cheetah.

Jim: All I've been doing is reading this diary wondering how the hell I'm still alive?

Jim: I was just gonna sniff a bag but one guy says if you're gonna sniff you might as well pop it and another guys says if you gonna pop it you might as well mainline.

Jim: [Is continuously getting hit by the Father's cane. The bell rings and the Father stops hitting him] Too bad, Father. I was just beginning to enjoy it.

Father McNulty: We can do it again tomorrow if you like, Mr. Carroll.

Jim: And in the next life, father, I'M gonna have the PADDLE.

Jim: ...did I ever tell you about the first time I did heroin?

Swifty: [after getting hit in the nose by Jim] All right. Fine. Tell them whatever you want. Nobody's gonna believe a druggie like you, anyway.

Jim: What?

Swifty: You think we're stupid? You think we don't know what you've been doin'?

Jim: Gee whiz, ma, we oughtta have these heart to heart talks more often, they're good for us.

Jim: Know this. There's different types of users of junk. You got your rich dilettante square-ass who dabbles now and then and always has enough money to run off to the Riviera if he feels he's fucking around to the danger point. Street junkies hate these pricks, but they're always suckers, and their money makes them tolerable. Then you got your upper-middle-class Westchester preppies... same as the others, basically. What they're good for is opening their mommy and daddy's eyes to this social virus and putting pressure on the government to do something about it. Then there's us street kids. Start fucking around very young, 13 or so. We think we all got it under control and won't get strung out. This rarely works. I'm living proof. But in the end, you just got to see the junk as another 9-to-5 gig. The hours are just a bit more inclined to shadows.

Jim: [Walks up to Swifty] Don't worry, Swifty, I won't rat you out.

[Walks up to Father McNulty]

Jim: And in the next life, Father, I'm gonna have the paddle!

[Walks out]

Jim: I would like to make an announcement. There is a gorgeous woman masturbating on my bed.

Jim: Guys, uh, what exactly does third base feel like?

Kevin: You want to take this one?

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Like warm apple pie.

Jim: Yeah?

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Yeah.

Jim: Apple pie, huh?

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Uh huh.

Jim: McDonald's or homemade?

Steve Stifler: [at choir practice] What did you cocks do to him?

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: You came to see me in action?

Jim: Yeah man, I thought you sounded really good!

Steve Stifler: Yeah man, I think you need your balls reattached!

Jim's Dad: [talking about masturbation] It's like banging a tennis ball against a brick wall, which can be fun. It can be fun, but it's not a game.

Jim: Right.

Jim: It's not a game.

Jim: No.

Jim's Dad: What you want is a partner to return the ball.

Jim: You realize we're all going to go to college as virgins. They probably have special dorms for people like us.

Michelle: What's my name? Say my name, bitch!

Jim: Michelle! Michelle.

Kevin: Separately we are flawed and vulnerable, but together we are the masters of our sexual destiny.

Jim: [imitating dubbed martial-arts dialogue] Their tiger-style kung fu is strong, but our dragon-style kung fu will defeat it!

Kevin: Guys...

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: The Shaolin masters of East and West must unite! Fight! And find out who is number one!

Kevin: GUYS! I'm serious!

Kevin: If Sherman has sex before I do, I'm gonna be really pissed.

Jim: Sherman? The Sherminator?

[both laugh]

Jim: She's gone! Oh my God, she used me. I was used. I was used! Cool!

Jim: God... let this be it.

Jim: [Nadia takes off her underwear] Holy shit.

Finch: HOLY SHIT!

Garage Band Member, Garage Band Member, Garage Band Member: [together] Holy shit

Enthusiastic Guy: [enthusiastically] Holy shit!

Steve Stifler: You actually said that?

[laughs hysterically]

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Shut up!

Jim: You did better than me Nova.

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Don't call me that any more. I'm a fraud.

Steve Stifler: You guys are pathetic. I'm gonna find myself a little hottie.

[shouts]

Steve Stifler: *suck me beautiful!*

[walks off, laughing]

[Deleted scene. Michelle and Jim collapse after having sex]

Stifler's Brother: [Opens cupboard door] Awesome! That was better than Jurassic Park! Oh man...

Jim: Yes it was...

Jim: Did you see 'The Little Mermaid' on TV yesterday? Ariel, she's so hot!

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: She's a mermaid dude.

Jim: Yeah, but not when she's on land, Oz.

[Deleted Scene. Jim, Oz and Kevin walk down the corridor]

Jim: Oh man...

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Shit dude, the 'L' word?

Jim: And what did you say?

Kevin: Nothing - I mean I hugged her back.

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Good, then you're still safe.

Jim: You think she was serious?

Kevin: Well, well, she could have meant like "I love you Grandma" or "I Love you Cornell"

Jim: Yeah, yeah.

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Hey, don't worry about it bro, I got the solution; It never happened. Forget about it. Don't mention it again and just lay low and hopefully - hopefully - she won't mention it again.

Jim: Yeah.

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Yeah, no Sweat.

Jim: I couldn't have said it better myself

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: [snorts] You couldn't have said it at all Jim...

Jim: Hey.

[Deleted Scene. Jim and Oz walk outside]

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: She's a cartoon dude.

Jim: She's a hot cartoon.

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Dude, is ther anything you don't jerk off to?

Jim: Of course there is. C-Span.

[Deleted Scene. The boys sit by the lockers]

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: She's a college chick.

Jim: Cassanova!

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Debbie.

Steve Stifler: Bullshit - from where?

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: She works part-time at my dad's store.

Steve Stifler: Yeah right Oz, I bet it's more like your dad works at her store.

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Dude, come on, he does not.

Kevin: Really Stifler, he's the manager.

Steve Stifler: Hey, I'm not making fun - I'm fucking impressed! I mean, "Hi, six inch or foot-long, white or wheat?" - that's some serious shit to master!

Kevin: Stifler, you're such an asshole!

Steve Stifler: [chuckles] Myers... I mean, what's the deal with you and Vicky anyways? I mean you guys have been going since homecoming for God's sakes and all she's do is blow you? Shit, I'd drop her like a steaming turd!

Finch: Do you commonly grasp warm pieces of stool?

Steve Stifler: I do when I'm throwing them at your mom, you damn freak!

[Deleted Scene. The boys are in Dog Years]

Jim: Guys guys guys - here's an easy one, okay: "Attractive single white female, fun-loving, youthful mind seeks outgoing companion". Okay; Attractive: ugly.

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Fun Loving: Insane.

Kevin: Okay, 'unlisted age' plus 'youthful mind' equals 'Old'.

Jim: No, no no no - 'Charming' is old; 'Older' is really old; 'Youthful mind' is dead.

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Yes, yes.

[High-fives with Jim]

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: [to Finch] You're still eating that damn imitation hot dog?

Finch: It's not an imitation. Removing the actual 'dog' from the Ultra Dog makes a better hot dog.

[Holds up a roll full of salad, onion and mustard]

Finch: Behold Ultra Dog - No dog.

[Deleted scene. The boys are in Dog Years]

Finch: Is that legal? Can you do that?

Jim: I did it. Don't care.

Kevin: Maybe we'll just have to call you two-ply.

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: I personally enjoyed the double-bagging part myself.

Jim: Well I'm very happy to entertain you Oz. So how you doing Kev, you okay?

Kevin: [pauses] Yeah.

Michelle: Oh, and this one time, at band camp, I stuck a flute in my pussy.

Jim: [spits out drink] Excuse me?

Michelle: What? You don't think I know how to get myself off? Hell, that's what half of band camp is. Sex Ed. So, are we gonna screw soon? Cause I'm getting kinda antsy.

Michelle: Now, I have 2 rubbers. Wear them both. It will desensitize you. I don't want you cumming so damn early this time.

Jim: What makes you think that I would cum early?

Michelle: Come on, I saw you on the net. Why do you think I accepted this date? You're a sure thing.

Jim: Yes I am.

[to two members of the KKK, while pretending to capture Bart]

Jim: Oh, boys! Lookee what I got heyuh.

Bart: Hey, where are the white women at?

Jim: [consoling Bart] What did you expect? "Welcome, sonny"? "Make yourself at home"? "Marry my daughter"? You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know... morons.

Bart: [Hears a crash in the prison cells] The drunk in number two must be awake.

[Walks over to the cell]

Bart: Are we awake?

Jim: We're not sure. Are we... black?

Bart: Yes, we are.

Jim: Then we're awake... but we're very puzzled.

Bart: I better go check out this Mongo character.

[Bart reaches for his gun]

Jim: Oh no, don't do that, don't do that. If you shoot him, you'll just make him mad.

Jim: Well, it got so that every piss-ant prairie punk who thought he could shoot a gun would ride into town to try out the Waco Kid. I must have killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille. It got pretty gritty. I started to hear the word "draw" in my sleep. Then one day, I was just walking down the street when I heard a voice behind me say, "Reach for it, mister!" I spun around... and there I was, face to face with a six-year old kid. Well, I just threw my guns down and walked away. Little bastard shot me in the ass. So I limped to the nearest saloon, crawled inside a whiskey bottle... and I've been there ever since.

Bart: What's your name?

Jim: Well, my name is Jim, but most people call me... Jim.

Jim: Uh-oh, Bart. I think Mongo here's taken a liking to you.

Mongo: Huh-huh, naw, Mongo straight.

[Recalling his gunfighting career]

Jim: I must have killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille.

Bart: Well, Jim, since you are my guest and I am your host, what's your pleasure? What do you like to do?

Jim: Oh, I don't know. Play chess... screw...

Bart: [quickly] Well, let's play chess.

[Jim downs a bottle of whiskey in one long guzzle]

Bart: A man drink like that and he don't eat, he is going to DIE.

Jim: [eagerly] When?

Hedley Lamarr: Sign here.

[Bart reaches for the pen... revealing his black hands]

Jim: [quickly] Why, Rhett! How many times have I told you to wash up after weekly cross burning?

[licks his fingers, then rubs Bart's hand]

Jim: See, it's coming off.

[Taggart whips off Bart's hood]

Bart: And now, for my next impression... Jesse Owens.

[Runs off]

Hedley Lamarr: Qualifications?

Gum Chewer: [chewing gum] Murder... armed robbery... mayhem...

Hedley Lamarr: Wait a moment. What have you got in your mouth?

Gum Chewer: [stops chewing] Nuff'm.

Hedley Lamarr: "Nuff'm", eh? Lyle!

Lyle: [searches the man's mouth] Gum!

Hedley Lamarr: Chewing gum on line, eh? I hope you brought enough for everybody.

Gum Chewer: [panicked] I didn't know there was going to be so many!

[Hedley shoots the gum chewer]

Jim: [hidden behind a rock] Boy, is he strict!

Jim: Look at my hand.

[raises hand and holds it level]

Bart: Steady as a rock.

Jim: [raises his other hand, which is violently trembling] Yeah, but I shoot with this one.

Bart: I'm rapidly becoming a big underground success in this town.

Jim: See? In another twenty-five years, you'll be able to shake their hands in broad daylight.

[last lines]

Jim: [who still has his popcorn and soda from the Chinese Theater] Where you headed, cowboy?

Bart: Nowhere special.

Jim: Nowhere special? I always wanted to go there.

Bart: Come on.

[Jim mounts up and they ride off into the sunset... in a limousine!]

Bart: [watching Mongo's rampage] I don't know what it is.

[Van Johnson bursts into the office]

Van Johnson: Sheriff! Mongo's back! He's...

[realizes Bart is on the opposite side of the room, and turns around]

Van Johnson: Sheriff! Mongo's back! He's breaking up the whole town! You've got to help us, please!

Bart: Did you hear that? Now it's "please". This morning, I couldn't get the time of day. Who is this Mongo, anyway?

Jim: Well, Mongo ain't exactly a "who". He's more of a "what".

Van Johnson: What he said.

Bart: Well, now, I don't know...

Van Johnson: Oh, thank you, Sheriff! Oh, thank you very much! Thank you!

[runs to the door and flings it open]

Van Johnson: [shouting] The fool's going to... I mean, the sheriff's going to do it!

Jim: [to Bart] What's a dazzling urbanite like you doing in a rustic setting like this?

Taggart: Now what the hell do you think you're doin' with that tin star, boy?

Bart: Watch that "boy" shit, redneck. You talkin' to the sheriff of Rock Ridge.

Taggart: Well, now if that don't beat all. Here we take the good time and trouble to slaughter every last Indian in the West, and for what? So they can appoint a sheriff that's blacker'n any Indian! I am depressed.

Lyle: Excuse me, Mr. Taggart, sir, but I sure do hate to see you like this. What if me and the boys was to shoot that nigger dead? Would that pep you up some?

Taggart: That might help.

Lyle: All right, boys! On the count of three!

Jim: I wouldn't do that if I were you.

Lyle: Don't pay no attention to that alkie. He can't even hold a gun, much less shoot it.

[Jim blows on his fingertips]

Lyle: Like I said, on the count of three. One... two... three!

[Jim draws. The cowboys' guns are suddenly shot of their hands in quick succession. Cut back to Jim, his arms folded, smoke pouring from his holsters]

Bart: Well, don't just sit there lookin' stupid, graspin' your hands in pain. How 'bout a little...

[he draws his own gun]

Bart: ... applause for the Waco Kid?

[dumbfounded, Taggart and his men start clapping]

Bart: Checkmate.

Jim: What?

Bart: Checkmate.

Jim: Why, you devious son of a bitch.

[picking up his whiskey bottle]

Jim: Happy days.

Bart: Hey, maybe you should eat somethin' first.

Jim: No thanks, food makes me sick.

Jim: I'd better sit up.

[struggles to straighten himself]

Bart: Need any help?

Jim: Oh... all I can get.

Jim: [Bart comes in after spending the night with Lili Von Stupp] Oh deary dear. Look what the cat dragged in.

Lauren: You know, I'm curious. With so many possible reasons, which one's the one your wife left you for?

Jim: Cancer.

Lauren: [awkward pause] I'm sorry. I naturally just assumed you were divorced.

Jim: It's okay. I naturally assumed your husband shot himself, so we're even.

Mfana: Look children, the bush pig has lost his parents so it is been cared for by mama and papa lion. Even in nature, there are blended families.

Jim: That's nice. That's sweet.

[Shortly there was a mixture of roaring, crunching, and pig squeals as the lions were eating the bush pig off screen. Espn was screaming and everyone was shocked about what they saw]

Mfana: I may have misread that situation.

Mfana: Mr. Bellyflopolis, the crocodiles are fake!

[Jim looks at the fake crocodiles around him in the water]

Jim: They're fake?

Mfana: Yes, they're fake!

Jim: Why would you make them look so realistic?

Mfana: Well, to scare the baboons away.

Jim: You just scared a zebra stripe into my underwear!

Hilary: Hey, dad, I have a personal errand to run and I need to borrow the car.

Jim: Well, you can't drive without me yet and somebody's got to stay here with your sisters.

Hilary: Dad, I have a personal errand.

Jim: What does that even mean? You taking a hit out on somebody?

Lou: Dad, she's monsterating.

Jim: What?

Hilary: I have my period!

Jim: Oh, I forgot you get those.

Jim: You know what, Hooters is to good for you. I'll never bring you there again

Lauren: Oh well then I guess I'll have to get through life without Hooters

Jim: You've been doing a pretty damn good job so far

Lauren: [looks at her breasts] That doesn't make any sense

Jim: [points at Lauren's breasts] No they... I didn't realize they were that big

Jim: Did you have pork chops and... tuna fish... for lunch today?

Mfana: Yes! I did!

Jim: I googled you and "Closet Queens came out"

Jim: Are you a lesbian ?

Stifler: Holy shit dude. I found a dildo. Dildo. Dildo. Dildo. Big blue rubber dicks for everyone. The people demand rubber dicks.

Jim: What are you doing?

Stifler: Looking for more lesbian artifacts.

[hands Jim the dildo]

Jim: Where did you get this?

Stifler: Finch's ass.

Jim's Dad: Musilage is dangerous territory, and uhh, I would think any adhesive product would have a warning right on the tube.

Jim: I thought it was a, uhh, a lubricant. Ok, I was trying to use lubricant.

Jim's Dad: Oh... oh...

Wheelchair Lady: [looking at Pussy Palace] Son, couldn't you have left that disgusting thing at home?

Jim's Dad: Excuse me?

Wheelchair Lady: Well, that kind of material is offensive to me.

Jim's Dad: Ohh, well we're sorry, but uh, but you see my son COULDN'T leave it at home because uhh, he's having a bit of a MEDICAL EMERGENCY?

Jim: That's right. Thanks Dad.

Jim's Dad: Your opinion of his taste in video rentals is not a priority lady. Ok? It's at the bottom of the totem pole. My son is sitting here right now with his hand glued to his penis, but that doesn't mean anything to you does it? Because you dont have a penis. Or maybe you do?

[Stifler and Finch are fighting after Stifler found Finch in his mom's room]

Jim: Okay, guys, we went through this last summer, all right? Finch got a black eye and Stifler got six stitches

Stifler: Cause he fuckin' bit me!

Finch: You touch me, I bite.

Michelle: Now don't freak out I'm gonna do something to push your threshold.

Jim: Ow that's cold. What is that?

Michelle: I just shoved a trumpet in your ass. Aren't instruments fun?

Stifler: [after Finch got into Stifler's mom's car and driving off] Hey, where's shit-break?

Jim: Uh, at the movies.

Kevin: Took the bus.

Oz: Coffee.

Stifler: Wait a second... Who the fuck was in that car?

Michelle: [from a deleted scene] Its just like this one time at band camp.

Jim: Ah, Michelle I've been to band camp, it's not all what its cracked up to be.

Jim's Dad: You may be Jimbo, or Jumbo, or Jimbodini to those guys in there, but there are still two people who haven't forgotten where James Emmanuel Levenstein came from. We're awful proud of you son.

Jim: Thanks, Dad.

Jim's Dad: Don't forget your penis cream.

Jim: Was I any good that night?

Michelle: Jeez how could I forget? You sucked. You didn't know what the hell you were doing. But wasn't it fun even though you were so terrible?

Jim: I'm sorry, "terrible?"

Michelle: I've had worse.

Jim: Oh.

Michelle: Oh, sorry. I just... ah... I could give you some pointers. If you want.

Jim: That's a lot of flutes.

Kevin: So, how are the twig and giggleberries this morning?

Jim: Oh, very colorful, my dick looks like a paint by number.

Stifler: Jim, you're the only guy I know who's dick needs an instruction manual.

Stifler: [Stiffler and Jim have just kissed passionately, trying to get the girls to do each other] Dude, you're a fuckin' LOUSY kisser.

Jim: What? That's not fair! I wasn't TRYING there.

[to the girls]

Jim: I'm really bett...

Danielle: No judgment.

Jim: Wait a second, you were trying?

Stifler: Fuck, no!

Jim: You WERE trying!

Stifler: YOU were trying! Oh no I kissed Jim!

Jim: That counted.

Stifler: That totally counted.

Danielle: That's the way to kiss your mother.

Stifler: [to Finch] DON'T YOU SAY ANYTHING.

Trumpet Kid: You suck, retard.

Jim: I'm not retarded, I'm a very special boy.

[Jim rams the kid in the face with his trombone]

Jim: Nadia, please don't take this the wrong way - You are everything I... used to want in a woman, and as much as I'm really... really going to regret this, I think I need to be with someone else.

Nadia: You... you want the band geek?

Jim: Nadia, I *am* a band geek. I just never joined the band.

Jim: Nadia will be expecting filet mignon, okay, and all I'm going to be able to give her is rump roast.

Oz: What are you so worried about? You've had experience since Nadia.

Jim: Ah, yes. You would be referring to the flute fetish band geek, who made me her bitch, and ditched me after prom.

Michelle: Okay, pretend I'm a hot girl. Now what do you want to do?

Jim: I want to feel your boobs.

Michelle: No, you dingbat. You don't just go groping away. You gotta pre-heat the oven before you stick in the turkey.

[trying to return the dildo Stifler found]

Jim: Which room, man? Which room?

Stifler: I can't remember shit, man, I was too excited! I'm in a lesbian stronghold.

[Noticing the women's natural attraction to Oz]

Jim: Amazing.

Stifler: Yes, the force is strong in that one.

Jim: This is my first time, since my first time.

[Jim's Dad sees Jim looking at pictures of Nadia]

Jim's Dad: Ah, yes. The one that got away.

Jim: Yeah.

Jim's Dad: Yeah. Well, evidently you two made quite the handsome couple on the Internet... Oh, I didn't see it. It, uh, was brought up at a P.T.A. meeting.

[the two "lesbians" are making the guys give each other hand jobs]

Stifler: Its okay. Its okay. I know what I have to do.

[starts undoing his shorts]

Stifler: I have to keep this party going. I'm taking one for the team.

[Finch and Jim run away]

Finch: I AM NOT TOUCHING THAT.

Jim: PUT THAT THING AWAY STIFLER.

Stifler: What's wrong with you guys? We almost had them. Why can't you guys be team players, huh? I was the one doing all the sacrificing.

[Jim is kissing Michelle's collar bone]

Michelle: Good Jim. Ooh, you're making me wet.

Jim: Holy shit, really?

Michelle: No, I was just saying that so you could practice.

Jim: 'course.

Jim: This is good. This is good. Obviously.

Michelle: Oh. Gilligan's Island, Mr. Howell.

Jim: Eh, what?

Michelle: You've gotta control yourself and think of something non-sexual. I haven't even touched you yet and you're turning into the Sears Tower.

Jim: What are you doing here?

Stifler's Brother: Pussy man, I'm here for the pussy.

Jim: Take a number.

Jim: Do you know where I could find Michelle Flaherty?

Trumpet Kid: Guests bring food. Food attracts animals. This one time, a bear came. And then the bear had to be destroyed. Which means they shot it in the head with a rifle, and killed it, and it died.

Jim: Yeah, you must know Michelle.

Stifler: Who the hell was that?

Oz: That was uh... that was...

Jim: Was someone was lost looking for the lake.

Kevin: Yeah

Oz: Yeah, turned around.

Stifler: What a dumbass, the lake's right there.

Jim: I kind of super-glued myself to... uh... myself.

Jim: When I was younger, I thought having the perfect Shakespeare quote for every situation would make me beloved.

Keith Michaels: It's surprisingly unhelpful.

Jim: Yeah, it seems to really annoy people.

Michelle: How did a little perv like you, turn into such a great guy?

Jim: How did a little nympho like you, turn into such a great girl?

Michelle: I'm still a nympho.

Jim: Well, I'm still a perv.

Jim: Alright, Stifler. Um, this... this is a little, uh, difficult to explain. Look, you're... you're okay. You're okay. I... I... I mean, uh... I mean, I like you.

Steve Stifler: Yeah, great. You can blow me after practice. I'm working, dude.

Jim: Well, dude.

Steve Stifler: [Jim and Stifler are both on the tackling sled] Come on. Work it! Hustle!

Jim: See my mom didn't know that there was a misunderstanding.

Steve Stifler: Push it! Move it! Come on!

Jim: You're not invited!

Steve Stifler: Hold!

[Jim and Stifler jump off the sled]

Steve Stifler: Dude, how the hell do you even think you're getting married? I've been looking out for your sex life since high school.

Jim: You what?

Steve Stifler: Ohhhh! Ohh! The first tits this guy ever saw were because of me. The first girl he ever hooked up with was at my party at my cottage. That girl is the girl he's marrying. The Stif-man showed him the way. Can I get a 'Hallelujah'?

Football Team: Hallelujah, Stifler!

Steve Stifler: But, my fuckers, this mofo right here does not want the Stifmeister, the grand fucking facilitator to attend the wedding. Who sucks donkey dick?

Football Team: [chanting] Jim sucks donkey dick!

Jim: The answer is no. Okay? I'm sorry!

Steve Stifler: I can dance.

Jim: What?

Steve Stifler: I can dance.

Steve Stifler: Observe the fuckin' Stifmeister, what is his defining characteristic?

Jim: He uses the F-word excessively?

Steve Stifler: [grins] Thanks man.

Steve Stifler: Dickhead. You do not send shit to my office at school.

Jim: Oh, hey, Stifler. Why don't you come in and make yourself comfortable?

Steve Stifler: Your letter made a great impression on Coach Marshall when he read it. Let me just refresh your memory, partner. 'Dear Steve, I will be forever in your debt if you teach me to dance like you did in the gay bar'.

Jim: I put serious thought into that letter.

Steve Stifler: Don't push me cause I'm close to the edge. I'm trying not to lose my head. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

[first lines]

Jim: Well, Michelle, we did it. Happy graduation.

Kevin Myers: [raising a glass to toast] Gentlemen, to the next step...

Jim: Oh will you stop with that "next step" bullshit.

Paul Finch: Put down your glass.

[Jim and Michelle are discussing Stifler]

Michelle: Jim, he's not doing it to be nice; he's doing it to bone Cadence.

Jim: Look, maybe we should give him a chance. You know, I think - I think that underneath all the "fucks" and "shits" and "blow me's", there's a very sensitive person who's just thirsty for acceptance. That's... that's what I think.

Michelle: Oh, Jim... you gotta stop masturbating... it's melting your brain.

Jim's Dad: [Jim's father arrives at the restaurant just as Michelle is secretly giving Jim a blow job] Here's the ring, son.

Jim: Ohh.

Jim's Dad: Let me tell you something, this is some ring. Look at the rock on this baby, Mister Big Spender. I hope you didn't blow your wad on this, son.

Jim: Not yet.

Jim's Dad: Your mother and I could not be more thrilled for you, Jim. I mean, we're so happy, and I know you're excited. I can see it in your face. I mean, you look like you're ready to burst.

Jim: Uh, huh.

Jim's Dad: I mean, your cheeks, they're flushed. I wish your mother could be here.

Jim: Not me.

[Jim is nervous before his wedding]

Jim: Honesty, now- Honestly, would you have passed up sex with Nadia?

Jim's Dad: Why? Did she say something?

Jim: Hypothetically, Dad.

Jim's Dad: Oh, hypothetically. Well, I mean, you know, Jim, I'm a married man. I'm...

Jim: If-If-If you weren't married.

Jim's Dad: She's a college girl.

Jim: If you were a college guy.

Jim's Dad: In a heartbeat. Oh yeah.

Steve Stifler: Are you saying I'm impolite?

Jim: "Impolite" would be an improvement.

Jim: Michelle, I'm going to ask you something I've never asked before.

Michelle: [eagerly] Is it kinky?

Jim: Heard you're tough.

C.D. Bales: I am.

[C.D. stands, begins to walk away]

C.D. Bales: But, uh, if you used a little tenderizer, I might cook up pretty good.

Jim: Asshole.

[C.D. keeps walking, waves dismissively]

Jim: Hey, where you going, Big Nose?

C.D. Bales: [the whole bar goes quiet, C.D. stops and turns around] Pardon me?

Jim: You heard me... Big Nose!

Jim: You smart ass son of a bitch!

C.D. Bales: You flat-faced, flat-nosed flat head.

Madame Leota: Evil and darkness have fallen this night. But now, to survive, you must gain new sight.

Jim: I must first gain new underwear.

[Jim, Megan and Michael, are in the carriage riding past all the ghosts in the graveyard]

Michael: Dad?

Jim: Yeah, son?

Michael: I see dead people.

Madame Leota: What are you doing?

Jim: Hey, you leave me alone. Just get out of here and leave me alone.

Madame Leota: Oh, I see. You're just going to sit there, feeling sorry for yourself.

Jim: Tell me why not. This whole thing was my fault. We should've never been here in the first place. Supposed to be at the lake. We'd be sitting by a warm fire right now. And I made us come here. And now it's too late.

Madame Leota: No. It's never too late.

Jim: Hey, look, I tried to get in there, and I can't, all right? I tried! I failed!

Madame Leota: You try. You fail. You try. You fail. But the only true failure is when you stop trying.

Jim: What do you want me to do? Huh?

Madame Leota: Try again.

[Cut to Jim, behind the wheel of his car, preparing to plough it through the Mansion window]

[Jim sees the Hitchhiking Ghosts peering into the carriage]

Jim: Hey! Hey, what are you doing?

Hitchhiking Ghost: Can they see us?

Hitchhiking Ghost: No, of course not!

Jim: Yes, I can see you. I'm looking at you right now in your stupid hat!

Hitchhiking Ghost: Don't listen to him! He's lying!

Jim: OK whatever. C'mon kids.

Hitchhiking Ghost: I could swear he was looking right at me.

Hitchhiking Ghost: He's psychic.

[Jim has braved zombies to get a key that Leota said would solve everything]

Jim: Alright, I got the key. Now what?

Madame Leota: Now you must find the trunk.

Jim: Trunk?

Madame Leota: Yes, trunk.

Jim: Not door?

Madame Leota: No, not door. Trunk.

Jim: All you said I had to do was find this key. I got the key, and now you're telling me something about a trunk. "The key is the answer to all" remember?

Madame Leota: Look, I don't make the rules OK? I just work here.

[to Master Gracey,who is about to strike Jim with his sword]

Jim: Hey. You wanna kill me, kill me. But listen, when I come on the other side, I'm gonna just be whipping your ass for all eternity.

[pulls out Elizabeth's real letter]

Jim: So maybe you should read this before you stab somebody.

Madame Leota: Dark spirits from the grave come forth. Lift us from the black. And show us, show us the way back.

Jim: Dark spirits? Hey, no dark spirits! Don't you make no dark spirits come out!

Jim: Hey, honey, you know they have dead people in the backyard.

Sara Evers: Well, some people have swimming pools, others have private cemeteries. It can happen.

[last lines]

Madame Leota: Angels in Heaven, together at last. The tale is well ended for those who have passed. Love endures all, no reason, no rhyme. It lasts forever and forever all the time.

Megan: Mom, Leota won't shut up.

Michael: Are we there yet?

Megan: I'm getting pretty hungry.

Michael: Can we stop for some pizza?

Jim: Hey, how long before we get there, Sara?

Sara Evers: Twenty minutes, tops.

Jim: Nothing takes twenty minutes.

Jim: Wait a minute. You're telling me this guy is dead, and the only reason we were brought here is he wants to get jiggy with my wife.

Ezra: Pretty much. Are you upset?

Jim: The guy is dead, and he's trying to get with my wife. And the house isn't really for sale. Yes, I'm upset.

Jim: The butler did it? You got to be kidding me.

[during the wedding service]

Ramsley: If anyone has any objections...

[Jim bursts in]

Jim: Yeah, I got a few objections!

Jim: Where's that scary albino when you need him?

Master Gracey: You have very beautiful children, Ms. Evers.

Jim: I kicked in some chromosomes too.

Master Gracey: I'm warning you, sir.

[pulls out his sword]

Master Gracey: Step away.

Jim: Man, don't think just because you pull out your sword I'm going to let you marry my wife.

Master Gracey: My patience is wearing thin.

Jim: Well, great, I'm in, let's get this key!

Megan: There's only one problem: how do we get out of here?

Jim: Yeah, how do we get out of here?

Ezra: Well, there's always, uh... my way.

[cut to ghostly horse-drawn carriage crashing through the wall of the Mansion]

[Jim, ignoring the ghosts, just wants to get out of the house]

Megan: But Dad, we have to help them!

Jim: You can't help the dead, honey. They're beyond help. That's the nature of being dead.

Madame Leota: Whom do you seek?

Jim: I am seeking a way outta here.

Madame Leota: Then you must look within.

Jim: I don't wanna look within, I wanna look without! Are you deaf?

[about to go over a steep hill]

Jim: Hold on!

Madame Leota: With what?

Jim: I gotta help my wife. She'll be...

Singing Busts: [singing] Comin' round the mountain when she comes...

[while looking at a magazine in Michael's room]

Jim: Hey, this is my Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. What are you doing with it?

Michael: [shrugs] I don't know.

Jim: [sarcastically] Oh, yeah, sure.

[Michael runs out of his bedroom screaming]

Michael: There's a spider in my room!

Jim: There's a what?

Michael: There's a spider in my room! He's on the window!

Jim: Well, why don't you kill it, man?

[pause]

Michael: That's a big spider!

Megan: They're ghosts, Dad.

Jim: They're not ghosts. We're just having hallucinations from that dinner that we ate. It was that chicken, it didn't taste right.

[insulted, Emma turns into mist and re-appears right in front of Jim]

Emma: Hey!

Jim: Whoa!

Megan: [whacks spider] There. Ya happy?

Jim: No, I'm not happy! I'm trying to show Michael how important it is to whack your own spiders!

Megan: [walking away] Whatever.

[Ramsley has just revealed what really happened to Elisabeth]

Ramsley: The Master must never know. Edward and his love will be reunited and this curse will be broken.

Jim: That's not her, that's my wife!

Ramsley: And what she sees in you, I'll never know.

Jim: Bob Vila would have a field day with this place.

Jim: Excuse me, why are all these ghosts still hanging around here?

Emma: When they died, they couldn't find the light. And now, now they're trapped. Doomed to wander the Earth for all eternity.

Jim: You were with this guy?

Susan: He was breathing when I left.

Wayne: Who are you?

Jim: I'm Jim Morrison.

Wayne: And who's he?

Jim: A weird naked indian.

Wayne: Jim, why was I supposed to put on this concert?

Jim: Because you had to learn that it doesn't matter what you do, Cassandra loves you for who you are and that, being an adult means facing resposibility yet still taking the time to have fun.

Wayne: Right, its like coming home on Friday night and doing your homework right away so that your Saturday night is free to just party.

Jim: No I like the way I said it better.

Wayne: OK.

Wayne: Excuse me, what are you guys doing here in the middle of the street?

Chicken-man: Well, I'm putting these chickens in crates, and stacking them right here. Jim's job is to make sure we always have plenty of watermelons.

Wayne: Oh, so you're selling watermelons.

Jim: No, no sir. We just have to make sure we have plenty of them stacked at all times, just like with these here chickens.

Garth: What do these guys do?

Chicken-man: Well, their job is to walk back and forth with this big plate-glass window every couple of minutes.

Garth: Weird.

Wayne: Yeah, you've got to wonder if this is gonna pay off later on.

Jim: Hey Wayne, I'd like you to meet a friend of mine: Sammy Davis, Jr.

Wayne: Wow, nice to meet you, Mr. Junior.

Jim: Ask me a question.

Wayne: Okay, two trains are coming at each other at sixty miles an hour, one from Chicago, one from Los Angeles.

Jim: [cutting him off] No, ask me a question about your life.

Jim: Hey, Gord, the water cold enough for ya?

[Turns the water temp level down, then breaks into the bathroom, then flushes the toilet]

Jim: Don't tell me this boy's so stupid he doesn't know the difference between hot and cold.

[opens shower to find Gord with a soap on a rope in Scuba Gear]

Jim: Hey, what are ya doing in my scuba gear?

Gord: Look, I found a treasure.

Jim: That's a soap on a rope!

Gord: SHhhhhhhhhh, I'm pretending it's a treasure.

Jim: Miserable dead beat punk. Paid for his damn college. Sits around all day wacking off. Proud? My ASS.

Jim: Ohhhhh, look honey, our boy's a genius! He's rigged a pulley system so he can eat sausage and work on his stupid drawings.

Julie Brody: Gordie, sit down. We're having roast beef.

Gord Brody: Why do you guys always have roast beef?

Jim: Boo-hoo. Little Lord Fauntleroy's tummy hurts because there's too much roast beef in it.

Gord Brody: It's just boring.

[Opens bag, pulls out a chicken sandwich]

Gord Brody: I'm eating a chicken sandwich.

Jim: No, you're not!

Gord Brody: This is crazy. I'm a 28-year-old man, I should be able to eat a chicken sandwich if I want.

Jim: He's 28 years old and he can eat a chicken sandwich. Very Impressive. Mike Fitzgibbon's son is a nuclear physicist, and my son can eat a chicken!

[Grabs chicken sandwich, throws it to the dogs]

Julie Brody: Jim, no!

Jim: You can either eat that goddamn roast beef, or you can go to bed.

[Gord leaves the room]

Jim: You BETTER run. You LIIIIIAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRR.

Jim: [after he leaves Gord in the shower] You retard!

Gord Brody: Wow... it's a Le Baron.

Jim: Bet your boots it's a Le Baron. Good car. Convertible.

Darren: [Gord is working on his skate ramp in the middle of the night, hammering nails loudly] Gord, don't hammer them so loud! Jeez, it's late, you're gonna wake your parents up.

Gord: You're right, I should probably use the electric nail gun.

Darren: Well, yeah.

Jim: [Gord uses the nail gun, making even more loud noise. Jim wakes up] Oh, boys, will you faggots stop making so fucking much noise? We're trying to sleep!

Jim: [Gord contimues to use the nail gun] Goddammit!

[shouts]

Jim: Stop the fucking hammering!

Mr. Malloy: Hey, I got a kid sleeping over here!

Andy Malloy: Hey, Gord, can I play on your ramp tomorrow?

Gord: Sure, Andy, anytime!

Jim: [shouts at the top of his lungs, and goes back inside the house]

Darren: Does your dad have, like, bowel problems?

Jim: You want Daddy to give you a spanking in front of his retard slut whore?

Betty: I'M NOT RETARDED!

Jim: Wait a minute... You're crippled.

Gord Brody: Dad...

Betty: What?

Gord Brody: Dad...

Betty: You got a problem with my legs?

Jim: No, you got a problem with your legs. It's ether that, or you're just lazy.

Jim: He said 'Fuck you, dad'. So I said 'Fuck you, fuck me. Fuck you, fuck me"... and I NEVER FINGERED FREDDY.

[Andy Malloy looks at Jim while playing catch and gets hit in mouth with baseball, cries]

Gord Brody: Fuck you, dad.

Jim: Fuck me? Is that what you wanna do?

[Jim drops his pants]

Jim: Well, go ahead, FUCK ME.

Jim: [after Darren breaks his leg skateboarding in the middle of night, screaming at the top of his lungs] You little shit, you think that's funny? I gotta go to work tommorrow, get the hell of my property!

Gord Brody: [Jim throws the skateboard on Darren's broken leg] Dad, what the fuck, he hurt his leg!

Jim: Why's everybody screaming like a banshee?

[notices Darren's exposed bone on his leg]

Jim: Jesus Christ.

[to Gord]

Jim: Well, get him a job! I mean, get him an ambulance, you get a job!

[Gord licks Darren's bone, Jim slaps Gord]

Jim: Stop that, what the hell do you think you're doing?

Jim: Get out of the toilet!

Jim: Where the fuck is the water?

Gord Brody: This is "Little Timmy". He gets us food and stuff. Right, little timmy?

Jim: What the fuck is going on Gord? Why aren't you at your new job?

Gord Brody: What are you talking about Timmy?

Jim: Gord... Jesus. There ain't no big computer job... is there? You're just gallavantin' around in my suit pretending to be some kind of mover 'n shaker aren't you?

Gord: Ahhh... Freddy. Freddy.

Freddy Brody: Is that um...

Jim: Thats your big brother. He couldn't handle the complexities of making a cheese sandwich so now he's back here at home with us... jeez, is that idiot still in the shower? Shit. How much water is he gonna use?

Freddy Brody: How much is he gonna use? All of it? Save some for the fish or something. Right poP? Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Jim: [to Betty] If this was Pakistan, you'd be sewing soccer balls.

Jim: What are you looking at... bitch?

Cindy: You are like wet sand in my underwear.

Jim: Ouch.

Jim: So what do you do, Luke?

Luke: I fall in love with women who then shit on me from a great height.

Daphne: You shouldn't put them on a pedestal.

Jim: So then I asked her to show me some of her paintings... they're so good.

Al: She's a very talented lady.

Jim: Yeah!... so goood!

Henry: This is a world where everybody's gotta do something. Y'know, somebody laid down this rule that everybody's gotta do something, they gotta be something. You know, a dentist, a glider pilot, a narc, a janitor, a preacher, all that.

[sighs]

Henry: Sometimes I just get tired of thinking of all the things that I don't wanna do. All the things that I don't wanna be. Places I don't wanna go, like India, like getting my teeth cleaned. Save the whale, all that, I don't understand that.

Jim: You're not supposed to think about it. I think the whole trick is, not to think about it.

Henry: Some guys really know how to get the women.

Jim: Now, you don't know how?

Henry: Hey, I can get one for ten minutes. That's my limit.

[President Carter on TV]

President Carter: -high inflation. What is the solution?

[TV cuts to commercial for Luke's yard taking place in Roy's yard]

Jeff: You want the solution to inflation? Hi, friends. Marshall Lucky here for New Deal Used Cars, where we're lowering inflation not only by fighting high prices, not only by murdering high prices, but by blowing the living shit out of high prices. Yessir. Here's an example. It's a 1972 Cadillac Coupe DeVille, for sixty-two ninety-nine. That price is too high.

[shoots car]

Jeff: Yessir. Here's another one. It's a Lincoln Continental, Mark IV, 1973. It's loaded. It's got air conditioning. It's got a stereo. It's got white-wall radial tires. It's got power steering, power brakes, power seats, power windows. And a price that is just too high.

[shoots car]

Jeff: Yessir.

[Jim appears on car behind him in costume]

Jim: YAAAAAAHHHH.

Freddie: [on microphone] Look out, Marshall Lucky. It's High Prices.

Jeff: Take this, you dirty ol' High Prices.

["shoots" Jim, who puts on a very convincing act]

Jim: AHHHH. Ya got me Marshall. Ahhhhh...

Jeff: [shocked] Jesus Christ.

[winks at screen]

Jeff: Yessir, that's New Deal Used Cars... Now wait just a Goddamn minute. What the hell is this? Is this a 1974 Mercedes 450SL for *twenty-four thousand dollars*? That's too fucking high.

[blows up car with dynamite. Roy watches at home]

Roy: You sonova bitch.

Jeff: [laughs] Yessir. We blew the shit out of that over-priced motherfucker just the way we blow the shit out of *all* high prices, down here at New Deal Used Cars. So y'all come on down. Did you hear what I said? New Deal Used Cars. So y'all come on down. Did you hear what I said?

[TV cuts back to President]

President Carter: I have heard you, with unmistakable clarity...

Roy: You sonova bitch.

[kicks TV and electrocutes himself]

Women on picket line: [chanting] The miners, united, will never be defeated.

Andy: Poor old biddies. Don't they know they're pissing in the wind, like the rest of us?

Ernie: Can they do that, women?

Andy: What?

Ernie: Piss in the wind.

Jim: No, Ernie. That's just the point.

Ernie: No, but on a nice day, you know, when there's no wind about. They can't - you know - get any direction on it.

Jim: All right, whatever it is that lasses do that's pointless.

Andy: Bloody hell. So much to choose from.

Phil: Fart in a force ten?

Jim: By god, Phil, you don't half know some funny women.

Harry: Steady lads. My missus does that.

All: [guffaw]

Harry: You daft bastards. Women Against Closure? That is when she's not farting in a force ten!

Andy: I'm not a kid any more, Jim, right?

Jim: Oh, aye. Old enough to be a scab then?

Ernie: It's all right, Andy. He doesn't mean it.

Andy: You don't mess around with words like that.

Jim: Aye, I'm sorry, Andy. I take it back. You're just a stupid fucker.

Andy: That's more like it.

Jim: Must be an awful lot, having that much guilt you got to buy your way out of it.

Gloria: Jim, I'm not doing it for me. I'm doing it for you... and Danny.

Jason: She's really something, it's just... I'm no good with girls.

Frank: Oh, you're whipped!

[imitates whipping]

Jim: [interrupting] Frank! Sometimes I wish you didn't beat that cancer. I really do.

Jim: [as Father Brown, he is asked to give a speech to the town. He reads from a brochure stuck in his Bible that says "An Encounter with a Bear"] Have you ever felt completely alone? Alone in a world of danger, and no one to rely on? Danger on every hand, in a world fraught with danger? And at the brink of death I felt in my pocket, and what did I find? What did I find?

[Opens the brochure - it's an ad for guns]

Jim: What did I find? Nothing. There's nothing there. It's all in your head. They can take the money from you. They can take the position from you. I don't know, they can whip you, people turn their back on you. Everything happens to every body. And you ain't gonna find nothing in your pocket can stave it off, nothing can stave it off! Pain, affliction, we say, power. Power doesn't do it. Cause you never have enough. Money? I don't know, you know anybody has enough, still? Trouble befalls us, everyone has their sadness in their heart. Some people are meant to be heard. I don't know. It just seems like they are. We meet them.

[holds up his Bible]

Jim: s God good? I don't know. All I know is something might give you comfort. And maybe you deserve it. If it comforts you to believe in God, you do it, that's Your business. People have guilty, you know, guilty secrets, well if that's yours, that you want to go believe in something, well that's not so bad.

Jim: How are you doing? How's... how's Katie?

Paul: We"re good.

Jim: Good. Does it ever bother you that she such an ass kicker and that you're just a stoner?

Paul: I'm not just a stoner.

Jim: Of course you're not. She's not just an ass-kicker. No one's just one thing.

Paul: For sure, man.

Jim: Yeah, that's wh... That's really what makes human beings so awesome is that it's our flaws that make us beautiful. And only when you can love yourself can you truly love somebody else.

Paul: Where do you get this stuff, man?

Jim: It's out there, you know. It's in the air. You just gotta listen. Listen and the universe will tell you all its secrets.

Paul: No, the weed.

Jim: Oh. My cousin grows it up in NorCal.

Paul: Cool.

Jim: I mean, I'm a fuck-up, but you're a goddam tragedy.

Jim: "Dear Mum, I don't know where to start so I'll just begin with the end and work my way back. I came home because I ran out of money and nowhere else to go. If I had any other option I would have taken it. I did not consider having a place to come home to a blessing. Instead, I thought of it as a burden and a symbol of failure. I'm ashamed to admit that growing up I pitied you and what I thought was your naive belief that our dreams could come true, simply by virtue of having them. Because the truth, as I witnessed it, was completely different. The truth actually was that nothing worked out, and no-one anywhere lived a life they wanted. But I see now that it was me with the naive belief. I thought if I resigned myself to disappointment at least I'd be better off than those people that tried and failed. And I hate myself for realising this now, and for taking and taking from you without giving anything back. You're one of the few good peaches in a world full of rotten fruit, Mum. I promise not to waste anymore time or take your love for granted ever again. I love you so much. Jim."

Jim: I sort of came back to have a nervous breakdown, but my brother beat me to it.

Jim: You have a girlfriend, Evil?

Evil: Nah. I use hookers. It's cheaper.

Jim: Mom! You're home!

Sally: Yep.

Jim: How?

Sally: Something called bail. One of the girls in prison told me about it. Apparently your father never realized it was an option.

Jim: There's so many fun and cheery people in the world. Don't you think you'd be better off with one of them? Someone more like yourself?

Anika: You think I'm fun and cheery?

Jim: Of course you are.

Evil: Come on. There's not a jury in the world that's gonna believe that that woman is sellin' drugs. But they will believe a guy like me does.

Jim: You do, Evil.

Evil: See!

Evil: What do you think of that weed?

Jim: It's a little strong.

Evil: Yeah, I put a little crack in it.

Jim: What's your problem Anika?

Anika: Nothing JIm.

Anika: Just, you can't ask a girl to move one thousand and eighty-two miles with you unless you're really going to follow through.

Jim: Why wouldn't I follow through?

Anika: Because, you don't know what it would be like.

Jim: What would it be like?

Anika: Difficult. Very Difficult.

Jim: Well, great. I'm used to challenges.

Anika: You're used to avoiding them.

Jim: Okay, Ron, take off your sweater.

Ron: [off camera] I'm not wearing a sweater.

Jim: Okay, and... action.

Colonel Ticonderoga: Let me just ask you one question. There's one thing I'm most curious about. Why bring the body here? My god, this is a home! People live here!

Jim: Well, Colonel, we didn't know exactly what to do with him.

Colonel Ticonderoga: Bury him! How 'bout that? Don't you think that's a good idea?

Jud: Oh, yes sir, yes sir, Colonel!

Colonel Ticonderoga: I mean, do you think that when somebody dies, they place them permanently on the family couch?

Jim: No sir.

Colonel Ticonderoga: Gee whi-iz!

[henchmen knock on door]

Colonel Ticonderoga: [in falsetto voice] Who is it?

Jim: It's a bunch of your men. Five of 'em.

Colonel Ticonderoga: [clears throat and talks in manly voice] Be right there, men.

[Harpic is reading a briefing to his staff about the new rules under privatization]

Harpic: Oh, now listen, now this really *is* important: "Deaths must be kept to an acceptable level".

Gerry: What's "an acceptable level"?

Harpic: Er, "two a year".

Gerry: But nobody's been killed for the past eighteen months.

Jim: Any volunteers?

Jim: Shosho - she wanted Mr. Wilmot to give up the white woman. They had a big quarrel about it. I told her Mr. Wilmot would soon tire of a Chinese girl.

Uncle Frank: You got any friends, Andy?

Andrew: No.

Uncle Frank: Oh, why's that?

Andrew: I don't know, I just never really saw the use.

Uncle Frank: Well, who are you going to play with otherwise? Lennon and McCartney, they were school buddies, am I right?

Andrew: Charlie Parker didn't know anybody 'til Jo Jones threw a cymbal at his head.

Uncle Frank: So that's your idea of success, huh?

Andrew: I think being the greatest musician of the 20th century is anybody's idea of success.

Jim: Dying broke and drunk and full of heroin at the age of 34 is not exactly my idea of success.

Andrew: I'd rather die drunk, broke at 34 and have people at a dinner table talk about me than live to be rich and sober at 90 and nobody remembered who I was.

Uncle Frank: Ah, but your friends will remember you, that's the point.

Andrew: None of us were friends with Charlie Parker. *That's* the point.

Uncle Frank: Travis and Dustin? They have plenty of friends and plenty of purpose.

Andrew: I'm sure they'll make great school board presidents someday.

Dustin: Oh, that's what this is all about? You think you're better than us?

Andrew: You catch on quick. Are you in Model UN?

Travis: I got a reply for you, Andrew. You think Carleton football's a joke? Come play with us.

Andrew: Four words you will never hear from the NFL.

Aunt Emma: Who wants dessert?

Jim: [after seeing Edward accidentally cut Kim] Hey! Now you've done it!

Kim: It was just a scratch Jim, really!

Peg Boggs: What's going on?

Jim: Call a doctor, he skewered Kim!

Kim: He didn't skewer me!

Jim: [now bullying and shoving Edward] You can't touch anything without destroying it! Who the hell do you think you are hanging around here, huh? Get the hell outta here! Go you freak!

Jim: [to Kim] He tried to hurt you.

Kim: No he did not and you know it!

Jim: Are you nuts? I just saw him!

Kim: Jim, I don't love you anymore I just want you to go, ok? Just go!

Jim: Are you serious? Losing me to a loser like that? He isn't even human!

Kim: Just get out of here ok, just go!

Kim: [after Jim has left] Dad, did you see where Edward went?

Bill: No, he just waltzed down the street.

Kim: Edward, I was so afraid. I thought you were dead.

Jim: [coming into the screen with a revolver] I didn't.

Kim: [threatening Jim with Edward's scissors] STOP IT! Or I'll kill you myself!

Jim: [Jim slaps her and kicks her away] Bullshit!

Jim: [to Edward who is approaching Kim] Hey, I said stay away from her!

Kim: Why can't you do it?

Jim: Because my father keeps the damn room locked. We need Edward to get us in.

Kim: Well can't you just take the key when he's sleeping or something?

Jim: You don't understand. The only thing that guy hangs onto tighter is his dick.

Jim: I'd give my left nut to see that again.

Jim: Forget about holding her hand, man. Think about the damage he could do to other places.

Jim: Hey! Now you've done it.

Kim: It's just a scratch, Jim, really. It's okay.

Jim: Stay back! Touch her again and I'll kill you.

Kim: No, it's no big deal. It's just a scratch.

Jim: Call a doctor. He skewered Kim.

[Hannah comes from behind and breaks a bottle over Jim's head as he kisses Selena]

Selena: Hannah, it's okay! He's not infected.

Hannah: But I thought he was biting you.

Jim: Kissing. I was kissing her. Are you stoned?

Selena: It's a long story.

[Selena holds her machete at Jim after he murders Corporal Mitchell]

Jim: [Jim steps towards Selena as she takes a half swing to his throat, stopping] That was longer than a heart beat.

[Selena hands Jim some Valium to help him sleep]

Jim: Oh, great, Valium. Not only will we be able to get to sleep, but if we're attacked in the middle of the night, we won't even care.

[Jim starts yelling to Frank at how bad of an idea it is to go through the underground tunnel]

Jim: Oh, no. No, see-see, this is a really shit idea. You know why? Because it's really obviously a shit idea. So, we're just gonna drive in the tunnel full of fuckin' smashed cars and broken glass. It's really fuckin' obviously a shit idea!

Frank: [Frank sees a wreckage of cars, screaming] Hold on!

[Jim starts to walk to the deserted diner]

Selena: Where are you going?

Selena: [Jim points to the diner] We've got enough food, Jim.

Jim: We don't have any cheeseburgers.

[Selena guesses what Jim was just thinking]

Jim: So, know what I was thinking?

Selena: You were thinking that you'll never hear another piece of original music ever again. You'll never read another book that hasn't already been written... or see a film that hasn't already been shot.

Jim: Um, that's what you were thinking.

[Jim asks Selena and Mark about the government]

Jim: What about the government?

Selena: There's no government.

Jim: Of course there's a government! There's always a government. They're in, a bunker or a plane.

Mark: No, there's no government. No police. No Army. No TV. No radio. No electricity. You're the first uninfected person we've seen in six days.

[Jim confesses to Selena that he has a headache]

Jim: I got a headache.

Selena: Bad?

Jim: Yeah, it's pretty bad.

Selena: Well, why didn't you say anything before?

Jim: Well, because I didn't think you'd give a shit.

[Jim tells Selena and Mark what he did before waking up in the hospital]

Jim: Look, I'm a bicycle carrier. I was riding a package from, uh, Farringdon to Shaftesbury Avenue, and a car cuts across me. Then, I wake up today in a hospital. I wake up and I'm - I'm hallucinating, or I'm...

Mark: What's your name?

Jim: Jim.

Mark: I'm Mark, this is Selena.

Mark: [Jim remains silent] Okay, Jim. I've got some bad news.

[Jim lectures Frank about getting a flat tire in the underground tunnel]

Jim: The world's worst place to get a flat, huh?

Frank: Agreed. I think we'd better do this quick.

[Jim tries to stop Selena from crying after the death of Frank]

Jim: Hey, don't do that. Look, Hannah is what Frank says she is, okay? She's tough, and she's strong, and she'll cope, just like I'll cope, and just like you'll cope.

Selena: I don't want her to have to fuckin' cope. I want her to be okay. When Hannah had her dad, it was okay. It was okay for them, and it was okay for us. Now, it's all just fucked.

[Jim kisses Selena on the mouth as she kisses him back]

[Major Henry West tells Jim why he set the radio broadcasting]

Major Henry West: I promised them women.

Jim: What?

Major Henry West: Eight days ago I found Jones with his gun in his mouth. He said he was going to kill himself, because there was no future. What could I say to him? We fight off the infected or we wait until they starve to death, and then what? What do nine men do, except wait to die themselves? I moved us from the blockade. I set the radio broadcasting, and I promised them women... because women mean a future.

[Jim falls in the woods as Corporal Mitchell holds his loaded gun on him]

Jim: Please...

Corporal Mitchell: Believe me, I'm not interested.

[Jim opens the car door and sees Major Henry West holding his pistol on him]

Major Henry West: You killed all my boys.

Jim: Wait.

[as Major West pulls the trigger]

[Jim repeatedly calls out in the deserted London streets]

Jim: Hello?

[Jim asks Mark about his family]

Jim: Where's your family?

Mark: They're dead, like Selena's.

Selena: Yours will be dead, too.

[Jim asks Selena how she knew Mark had become infected]

Jim: How did you know? I mean, how did you know he was infected?

Selena: The blood.

Jim: Yeah, but there was blood everywhere. It was on me. It was on you.

Selena: I didn't know he was infected, okay? Only he knew. I could see it in his eyes.

[Selena and Jim make their way up the stairs of the tower block]

Selena: Do you need a break?

Jim: You?

Selena: No.

Jim: [Jim takes one step] Now, I do need a break, by the way.

[Selena tells Jim he needs to start thinking about himself]

Jim: [about Frank and Hannah] I think they're good people.

Selena: Good people?

Jim: Yeah.

Selena: Well, that's nice, but you should be more concerned about whether they're gonna slow you down.

Jim: Right, because if they slowed you down...

Selena: I'd leave them behind.

Jim: In a heartbeat.

Selena: Yeah.

Jim: I wouldn't.

Selena: Then you're gonna wind up getting yourself killed.

[Jim thanks Selena for saving his life]

Jim: You think I don't get it but, um, I do get it. And I know I'd be dead already, if I hadn't met you.

Selena: Sure.

Jim: No, look. I mean, thank you.

Selena: And I mean, sure.

[Jim shops in the canned good section of the supermarket]

Selena: Don't take anything that needs to be cooked, okay?

Jim: I think you can eat that raw.

[Selena and Jim eat their groceries from the supermarket]

Selena: Mmm! Oh, my God! I can, like, taste the Vitamin C.

Jim: [Jim mumbles with food in his mouth] Mmm. The raisins are so moist.

Hannah: [Hannah chuckles] What did you say?

Jim: [Jim talks with his mouth full] The raisins, huh? They're still moist!

[Selena tells Jim what she's thinking]

Selena: I was thinking I was wrong.

Jim: About what?

Selena: All the death. All the shit. It doesn't really mean anything to Frank and Hannah because... well, she's got her dad, and he's got his daughter, so - I was wrong when I said that staying alive is as good as it gets.

Jim: See, that's what I was thinking.

Selena: Was it?

Jim: Hmm. You stole my thought.

Selena: [Selena kisses Jim on the cheek] Sorry.

Jim: That's okay. You can keep it.

[Frank wakes up Jim in the middle of the night while seeing him have a nightmare]

Frank: Shh! You're having a bad dream, that's all.

Jim: Thanks, Dad.

[Jim wakes up to the sound of Frank's car horn]

Selena: [Jim holds his baseball bat] Come on, sleepyhead! Come on, Babe Ruth.

Frank: Hurry up.

Jim: [Jim gets in the car] Oh, no. Did I miss breakfast!

[Major Henry West introduces Jim to the infected Mailer]

Major Henry West: And lastly, meet Mailer.

Major Henry West: [Mailer dashes at Jim from behind the hanging sheets] Mailer, Jim. Jim, Mailer. Got infected two days ago. Mitchell managed to knock him out cold, and we got a chain around his neck.

Jim: You're keeping him alive?

Major Henry West: The idea was to learn something about infection. Have him teach me.

Jim: And is he?

Major Henry West: In a way. He's telling me he'll never bake bread, farm crops, raise livestock. He's telling me he's futureless. And eventually he'll tell me how long the infected take to starve to death.

[Selena comments on Jim's face after he shaves]

Selena: Very spruce.

Jim: Very shredded.

[Frank asks for Selena and Jim's opinion before entering the underground tunnel]

Frank: What do you think?

Selena: It's the most direct route to the other side of the river.

Jim: No - No - No, then we should take the most indirect route. The one that's in broad daylight and that's not underground.

Frank: [Frank presses on the gas of the car] Let's just get it done.

[Jim wakes up Selena from a deep sleep]

Jim: Hey, Selena!

Selena: [Selena grabs her machete] What? What is it?

Jim: How'd you get to sleep?

[Selena repeatedly kisses Jim who's covered in blood]

Jim: [standing over Corporal Mitchell's dead body] Listen. Listen to me. He's still all fucked. We're gonna be okay. He's still all fucked. We're gonna be okay. I've got to explain something.

Selena: Shut up!

Jim: I've seen something. It's gonna be okay. It's gonna be okay.

[Hannah drives the car away from the mansion as she sees the gates locked]

Hannah: They're locked. The gates are locked!

Jim: Just fuckin' do it!

[Hannah puts her seat belt on and presses on the gas of the car]

[Selena sews the last of the curtains and red dresses together for their 'Hello' sign]

Jim: [Jim sees the red dress] You looked all right in this, you know?

Mason: You know, Jim, you're not my dad.

Jim: No, I'm not your dad. You know how I know that? 'Cause I'm actually here. I'm the guy with the job, payin' the bills, takin' care of you, your mom, your sister.

Jim: [during an American airstrike] P-51! Cadillac of the sky!

Jim: I can't remember what my parents look like.

Basie: Jim, didn't I teach you anything?

Jim: Yes! You taught me that people will do anything for a potato.

Jim: Would you like a Hershey bar?

Nina: Oh yes, please

Jim: So would I kid, have you got one?

Jim: If the Americans land, the Japanese will fight.

Dr. Rawlins: You admire the Japanese?

Jim: Well, they're brave, aren't they?

Dr. Rawlins: That's important, is it, Jim?

Jim: It's a good thing if you want to win a war.

Dr. Rawlins: But we don't want them to win, do we. Remember, we're British.

Jim: Yes. I've never been there.

Maxton: I heard you resigned from the Scouts.

Jim: I've become an atheist.

Jim: I was dreaming about God.

Mother: What did he say?

Jim: Nothing.

[smiles]

Jim: He was playing tennis.

Basie: Don't let me down kid you're an American now.

Jim: [in a Brooklyn accent] Hey how'ya doin' Frank?

Jim: Learned a new word today. Atom bomb. It was like the God taking a photograph.

Jim: Amatus sum, amatus es, amatus est.

Jim: I was dreaming about God.

Mary Graham: What did he say?

Jim: Nothing. He was playing tennis. Perhaps that's where God is all the time and that's why you can't see Him when you're awake, do you think?

Mary Graham: I don't know. I don't know about God.

Jim: Perhaps He's our dream... and we're His.

[after Basie's friend killed Jim's Japanese friend]

Jim: Bastard! He gave me a mango!

Basie: I'll give you a whole goddamn fruit salad. There are Frigidaires falling from the sky. It's kingdom come!

Jim: He was my friend!

Basie: He was a Jap!

Jim: The war's over!

[Frank and Basie are about to leave Jim in the street]

Jim: [desperately] Basie, first I could show you some rich pickings. Hundreds of houses left empty. I could show you some of the houses I lived in before Frank found me. They were luxuriant!

Basie: Luxuriant? You had good sense being born there, Jim. I'm sure there was good living.

Jim: There certainly was good living, Basie. There - there was opulence!

Basie: Heh heh. Opulence. Frank, we'll go and take a look at some of these houses. Let's go, Frank. Opulence.

Jim: We'll have to leave the camp.

Basie: That's the idea, Jim. First one side feeds you and the other side tries to get you killed, then it's turned around; it's all timing.

[Jim's hassling the truck driver on the way to Soochow]

Jim: Do you know where we are? We're here, see? And now we have to turn left. Do you hear me? When I say turn left, you turn left! When I say turn right, turn right! You have to do what I say otherwise we'll never get to Soochow then you'll be shot!

Jim: Are you with the American Fleet?

Frank: American Fleet! Looks like you lost your shirt kid.

[Nurses attempt to wake a sickly man]

Jim: Can I have his shoes when he's dead?

Dr. Rawlins: God you're a pragmatist, Jim.

Jim: I can bring everyone back. Everyone.

[Jim grabs wildly at Chinese soldiers after hearing about the atomic bomb]

Jim: I saw it! I saw it! It was like a white light in the sky.

Jim: Dr. Rawlin, do you remember how we had helped build the runway? If we die like the others, our bones would be IN the runway. In a way, it's OUR runway...

Dr. Rawlins: No it's THEIR runway, Jim! Try not to think so much! Try not to THINK so much!

Jim: I touched it! I touched it! I felt the heat! I can taste it in my mouth, oil and cordite!

Jim: [about the Japanese troops camped nearby] It almost looks as if they're waiting for something to happen...

John Graham, Jim's father: Yes.

Jim: They didn't look angry or anything...

Maxton: It's not their anger; it's their patience.

Llewyn Davis: [on Please Mr. Kennedy song] Hey, look... I'm really happy for the gig but who... who wrote this?

Jim: I did.

Llewyn Davis: What is his thing?

Jim: Huh?

Llewyn Davis: Him. Troy.

Jim: Wonderful performer.

Llewyn Davis: Is he?

Jim: Wonderful.

Llewyn Davis: Does he have a higher function?

Llewyn Davis: Thank you, I appreciate it. I needed this, as you know.

Cromartie: Yeah.

Llewyn Davis: We'll be touring, right?

Jim: [from across the room] Touring Uranus.

Llewyn Davis: I'll get my vaccinations.

Jim: Do you ever just live in the moment? It's like now, what could be better than being tucked here with you?... I mean, if I died right now it would be OK.

George: Well it wouldn't be OK with me, so why don't you just shut up and go and change the record.

Jim: Good answer.

[first lines]

Tracie: Tonight was your first night at the club, wasn't it?

Jim: No. I've been there a few times before.

Tracie: Really? Well, how come I haven't seen you?

Jim: I noticed you the first night I walked in. You always stand out.

Jim: Are you going to be the first female white rapper to open for Public Enemy?

[Last lines]

Jim: I'm contagious.

Amanda: Apparently.

[They laugh until they cry]

Jim: It's okay. It's okay.

Amanda: Now, it's just never gonna stop.

[They exhale and stop laughing/crying]

Jim: I was thinking about... our first time... in the back of this truck at the lake.

Amanda: All 38 seconds of it.

Jim: Oh, shut up! I was excited. I was 16, okay. I've developed some serious skills since then. I'll have you now.

Amanda: Oh yeah?

Jim: In fact, I've been servicing the entire Tucson, Arizona area with...

Amanda: What are you, a plumber?

Jim: [approaching EPCOT's Spaceship Earth] Wow... it's a giant testicle.

Elliot: [about young girls] Dad, they're pretty, huh?

Jim: Well, ya know, pretty depends on your definition of pretty. Do you think they're pretty?

Elliot: I guess.

Jim: Well then, there you go. That's *your* definition.

Elliot: Is mommy pretty?

Jim: Your mother... Yeah, she's beautiful.

Elliot: I think so, too.

Jim: Yeah. I mean, not in a classical sense, but more in an Emily Dickinson, kind of bookish Tina Fey kind of thing.

Jim: I'm afraid if I come with you, something bad is going to happen.

Sophie: But if you don't, something will.

[first lines]

Jim: [on the phone] What? I don't understand.

Man: Listen to me. Don't let your imagination run wild. It's a transitional period.

Jim: So, you're firing me for no real reason, then?

Man: Well, there's a little more to it than that.

[last lines]

Valet: Checking in?

Jim: That we are.

Jim: We haven't had sex in a while, do you realize that?

Staff Sgt. Thomas: What's the purpose of this cluster fuck?

Bozz: [spoken quickly] Wilson tried to switch targets with Cantwell, Sergeant.

Wilson: What?

Jim: [talking quickly] True Sergeant I saw him do it!

Dr. Susan Wheeler: Jim, I know it sounds silly but, supposing you wanted to put people into a coma, what would you do?

Jim: You mean on purpose?

Pathology Resident #2: Diethyl para-amino tannadol.

Jim: No, no, leaves a serum trace.

Pathology Resident #2: Yeah, if you know to look for it.

Jim: But it also peaks alk phos. That's a real giveaway. Besides, who can get tannadol?

Pathology Resident #2: Well, then you can use paradine.

Jim: No, it has a taste. We'd all make great murderers. I mean, who knows better about murder than a pathologist?

Pathology Resident #2: It sure keeps my wife in line.

Jim: First rule of crime: Keep It Simple. What's simple? Carbon Monoxide.

Pathology Resident #2: Boring.

Dr. Susan Wheeler: Carbon Monoxide?

Jim: Sure, it's perfect. Anesthetist feeds the patient some carbon monoxide instead of oxygen. It's colorless and makes the blood very red so the surgeon doesn't notice anything funny. But the brain dies from lack of oxygen. End of operation - the patient doesn't wake up.

Dr. Susan Wheeler: No other effects?

Pathology Resident #2: Sure, other effects. Cardiac irritability.

Jim: Which this case had.

Pathology Resident #2: You know, it'd be much better to block the neuro-muscular junction with succinylcholine. Now that's a nice murder.

Jim: Yeah, who's gonna do it?

Pathology Resident #2: Well, who's gonna feed you carbon monoxide?

Jim: That's the problem. Been about a dozen of these coma cases here in the last year. They're always different. Different case, different anesthetist, different operation. Hard to imagine it's murder.

Jim: We played with life and lost.

Jim: Either it's raining, or I'm dreaming.

Catherine: Maybe it's both.

Jim: What is it?

Catherine: Sulfuric acid, for the eyes of men who tell lies.

Jules: Catherine never does anything halfway. She's an irresistible force that can't be stopped. Her harmony is never shaken because... she knows she is always innocent.

Jim: You speak of her as if she was a queen.

Jules: She is a queen. Let me be frank. She's not especially beautiful or intelligent or sincere... but she is a real woman. And that is why we love her... and all men desire her. Despite this, why did she make us a gift... of her presence? Because we treated her like a queen.

Jules: She's more optimistic than you where time's concerned. She was at the hairdresser's and and arrived at 8:00 to dine with you.

Jim: If I'd known she might still come, I'd have waited til midnight.

Eva: Come on! Come on, get personal. Who is it? Who does Jim hate?

Jim: Me.

Mo: Really Jim?

Eva: You hate yourself... So what?

Emily: D'you have an okay family life?

Jim: [Nods] Yeah. Yeah. I don't have a father. But my mum is really nice.

Eva: So you hate yourself, because?

Jim: I've been on anti-depressants for two years.

Emily: And... Do they help? Do you know if they're helping?

Jim: I don't know... Maybe...

William: Come off the medication. If you want to feel like a person again... Come off them.

Jim: What is it tonight? Lizard again?

Capt. Lee Norsythe: No, we had that last night. Today we're having a filet of swamp monster.

Jim: Lee is nice. Lee is kind. Lee is weak.

Jim: He only did what he thought was right, Lee.

Capt. Lee Norsythe: No, Jim. Nobody does what he thinks is right. You all do what I think is right. I'm in command here.

Jim: I always said you had to be ready to fight for what you believe in. I was right. But I won't fight you. Not now. Not while that beast is still alive.

Capt. Lee Norsythe: What do you propose we do? Go and hunt that thing down? You saw the size of it.

Nyla: C'mon, you two. Jim, the captain's right. We can't go out and fight that thing.

Jim: Listen, centuries ago on Earth, wolves used to wipe out whole villages, until men went out and hunted them. Wolves learned. We've got to got out and teach them.

Jim: What if it attacks us outside the stockage? Are we going to let it pick the time and place it decides to kill us? We've got to hunt it down now in its lair, and kill it.

Derna Lee: Jim, you're crazy. How are we going to kill a thing that big. That gun wouldn't even kill the little beast.

Jim: It's an animal. A dumb animal. We're rational thinking human beings, we'll find a way.

Mike: No. No! We shouldn't risk any more lives just because you want to play Tarzan.

Nyla: You fools. Jim's right, what are we going to do, sit around her like cattle in a pen waiting for that thing to come get us? Millions of years ago on Earth, an ape, an APE, took a club and killed his first predator. Well, we've gotta kill that thing, or... or that something inside of us, that dignity that makes us human, fear is going to kill that!

Jim: On this world you have two choices, be cruel or die!

Nyla: I don't ever want to have to make that choice, Jim.

Jim: Civilization is like that uniform you're wearing. It's getting dirty and torn. And pretty soon it's gonna rot away. You had better decide what you're going to wear then!

Nyla: I'll find something.

[Gina is studying a set of chest X-rays in her office when Jim approaches and looks at them as well]

Gina McVey: Who are these for?

Jim: Dr. Waters.

Gina McVey: Interesting.

Jim: What?

Gina McVey: Well, do you notice anything?

Jim: They're back to front?

Gina McVey: No, look. Left and right tags.

Jim: The heart's on the right side of the body?

Gina McVey: [Nodding] Dextrocardia with situs inversus. It's not uncommon, but it's pretty rare. One in every thousand.

Jim: Nice to meet you, Gregg. Is that with one G or two G's?

Gregg: Three G's, actually.

Jim: Three G's? You mean, like, Greggg?

Jim: Good morning, Satan. Want a donut?

Satan: Shut the fuck up.

Terrance: That's the genius of these rulers, that they've created this society that's conditioned to deny what's right in front of its eyes.

Jim: Which is what?

Terrance: That we're slaves.

Jim: Hi, I'm Jim Kessel. I'm here at the Trinity National Forest along Route 96 also known as The Bigfoot Byway. I'm here with my girlfriend Kelly Monteleone where we plan on retracing the famed 1967 Patterson Gimlin footage, and our search for Bigfoot.

[pause]

Jim: What's that face?

Kelly: Just... it's your thing, just make it about... you. You know, no girlfriend, my name, all that.

Jim: You don't want to be in the movie and now you're Stanley fuckin' Kubrick.

Jim: Are you a believer?

Jim: Who are you? What do you want? For God's sake... somebody help me... help... aarghh!

Jim: Elizabeth, it's been a long time.

Liz: Time was the only long thing you ever gave me, Big Daddy. And it's Liz.

Jim: I bet she's either a psycho or a nympho.

Liz: What is she doing out here all by herself?

Jim: She's a homeless, psychotic nymphomaniac. Where's she gonna be, Park Avenue?

Jim: I feel obliged to pick up this hot piece of ass. Call it my civic duty.

Cathy: Call it your hard-on.

Jim: He's a rent-a-cop. I'm surprised he doesn't ride a fucking bicycle.

Jim: It was in all the newspapers.

Liz: Wow, Jim, then it must be true!

Jen: I think we should let the children play their children games. 'Sides, we have some adult games to get to.

Jim: Oh God, I love you.

Jim: Hey! Wait a minute. There's someome coming.

Second Student Climber: [sarcastically] Who is it, Jim, the Abominable Snowman?

Jim: I tell you there's someone coming. I can't see a thing. Who is it? Who is it? Who - ? No! Ugh-egh. No...!

[Jim falls over the cliff edge]

Florence: Listen, Joan Gale's body was swiped from the morgue, have you ever heard of such a thing as a death mask?

Jim: I used to be married to one.

Florence: Then it came to life and divorced you, I know all about that.

Florence: Hello, light of my life.

Jim: Well, well, Prussic Acid.

Florence: [talking about a case] Can I handle this my way?

Jim: You cannot, I'm still editor of this newspaper.

Florence: Fine, you said I was fired... well, I quit, you give the assignment to somebody else.

Jim: Wait a minute, come here.

Florence: [crying] No, I'm through.

Jim: Come here, sob sister, all right, go ahead, do it your own way.

Florence: As I live and breathe and wear spats, the prince.

Jim: You been doing experiments with scotch and soda again?

Florence: Where'd you get that news item, from a little bird?

Jim: Yeah, have a pleasant vacation?

Florence: Charming, more delightful people crippled.

Jim: [after Florence blows a raspberry in the phone] A cow does that and gives milk besides.

Slim: Yeah, but maybe there really was a pressure drop...

Jim: Yeah, and, uh, maybe they'll pay us overtime, eh? Look, those fatasses got no idea what's goin' on! Now if we go up there we're just gonna have to do this again, you wanna do this again?

Slim: Not on my time! Let's get a beer!

Jim: [mimicking Christopher Walken's character Uncle Bill] Oh, Mr. Potato Head! The Druids often used Mr. Potato Head figures as part of their ancient rituals.

Dr. Van Helsing: [putting on dark glasses] What do you see?

Jim: What do you mean?

Dr. Van Helsing: In the glasses, in the glasses, what do you see?

Jim: Lucy.

Dr. Van Helsing: Good. Good, yes, okay. This means she's still with us. She's an apprentice in the realm of shadows. There's hope. But you mustn't flinch from what we have to do.

Jim: This asshole comes down here looking like Friday the 13th trying to scare us!

Jim: Enter Vix, every mans wet dream. That is, if your taste gravitates towards being on the receiving end of an S&M castration fanatsy.

Jim: The song-the lyrics are boil me, set me on fire! -Someone's killing according to the lyrics!

Jim: I hope you girls can fuck, because your cooking is shit!

Paul: I must be off.

Jim: You've been off for years.

Jim: What, that's never happened to you?

Marin: What?

Jim: Had memories that aren't yours?

Jim: There's no vacation for decency.

Janey: I'd like to have some nice photo's.

Jim: Why?

Janey: 'Cause I want to.

Ed: What for?

Janey: My portfolio.

Ed: Why do you need a portfolio?

Janey: I don't know.

Ed: What would you do with a portfolio?

Janey: I think it'd give me good confidence.

Ed: I didn't think you needed it.

Jim: Oh, God! Don't let the fire get me! Don't let the fire get me! Oh, God! Don't let the fire get me! Don't let the fire get me!

Soldier on the Front: [waiting in the trenches to attack] Give us the word, sir.

Jim: Steady on.

Soldier on the Front: This waitin' - it's gettin' me.

Jim: Steady, laddie.

Josie: Hello, Bozo. Hey, time to wake up! Come there, wake up.

Jim: Who in blazes are you?

Josie: Lon Chaney.

Josie: Do you want it that bad?

Jim: If I don't have it I - I've got to have it!

Jim: It isn't done amongst gentlemen, is it? Not when ladies are present.

McEwen: So, you set yourself up to be a gentleman, do you? And by lady, I suppose you mean that little Tabby over there?

Jim: Pardon me, I hope I misunderstood the words you used in regards to that girl?

McEwen: No, you didn't, Johnny. T-A-B-B-Y, Tabby! The girl that's trying to make you!

Jim: Of course you don't know a white lady when you see one, do you? That's the disadvantage of being - a half-caste!

Jim: Do you know what liquid fire is?

Josie: Yeah, the Dutchmen used to shoot outta guns.

Jim: No. Out of pipes, hitched up to tanks they carried on their shoulders. Like water pipes. And the fire came hissing, curling, like water. Twenty, fifty feet. On whatever it touched, it burned. Flesh. On bone. On brains!

Josie: Geez!

Jim: I saw them burn. The boys beside me. Just boys, most of them. Crying like children. Calling on God to end them. Wrapped in fire!

Josie: Oh, don't. Don't!

Jim: We cried, "God and the Right!" Only, God wasn't with us that time.

Jim: I can't face fire. I've tried. And I'm finished.

Josie: Bunk! You gotta learn to take it on the chin and like it.

Jim: You're a sweet girl, trying to buck me up. But, if you really want to help me - will you please do just one favor? Will you please get me a drink!

Josie: You gotta scram outta Fiji snapping.

Jim: Why?

Josie: That McEwen, baby. He'll be layin' for ya.

Jim: Oh, it isn't important.

Josie: It is to me! You got in this jam on account of me and I'm gonna get you outta this, pronto! He's a bad hombre!

Jim: You won't get me down again! You yellow swine!

Jim: Did you ever know me when I wasn't thirsty?

Josie: I ain't known you but two weeks.

Jim: Allow me.

Josie: Easiest thing I do.

Jim: My name's Jameson.

Josie: Oh, yeah? I've seen that name on bottles.

Josie: You don't have to give your name away. I can see you're class, all right.

Jim: You take a lot for granted, Josie.

Josie: You can't fool a horse fly. Any beachcomber that's fuzzy about his fingernails and spends his last dime on a safety razor blade, can't talk me into thinkin' his family all lived in one room and took in boarders.

Josie: Go on, a big timer like you, there must have been some fem? But, you don't have to tell me.

Jim: I'd like to tell you, Josie. I was going to marry a girl.

Josie: A really lady?

Jim: A cousin of mine. Frightfully good looking. She swore she'd help me fight that fear. The fire fear. You understand.

Jim: Do you mind telling me what's funny?

Josie: I was just thinkin', wouldn't it be a joke on that dame if you went back to wherever ya come from, cold sober, and no more afraid of fire than you are of a dog or a gun or a half-caste or of anything? Wouldn't that be a honey, Captain Jameson?

Josie: Cut out the bar varnish for keeps!

Jim: I'm doing my best, Josie.

Josie: I gotta be on my way now.

Jim: Don't go, Josie.

Josie: If I stay here forever, you won't be glad to see me come back! So long.

Jim: Oh, I say, I smashed another dish.

Josie: Lucky it wasn't an only child.

Josie: Listen, Bozo, you're still kinda shaky. And, no wonder, cuttin' out the hooch like you have. You don't want to go exaggeratin' what I done and gettin' all Jolson about it.

Jim: I'm a rotter to make love to you, I know. But, Jo, you've been so dear and wonderful. I tell myself I mustn't; but, I just can't help loving you.

Josie: Now, don't go mixin' up love and gratitude. 'Cause they ain't no more alike than champagne and Ovaltine!

Josie: I know you're a real swell and I ain't gonna go grabbin' ya off, just when you're down on your luck and thankful to anyone that slips you a kind word.

Jim: [Jim kisses Josie] Do you think that's gratitude, Josie?

Josie: Oh, I don't know what it is. But, it feels - elegant.

Jim: You're dead right. I have no business making love to a woman. A coward.

Josie: Don't you say that! Don't you think it even. You ain't no coward! You're - why you're a pip!

Josie: You're gonna lick that too! There ain't nothin' you can't do once you make up your mind to it.

Jim: If I do, if I do lick it, will you let me say, "I love you"?

Josie: If you promise to say it a lot.

Jim: I'm going to make you awfully happy, Josie. We're going to lick that fear - together.

Jim: You black ape! You lie!

Kalita: I head man on Benga. I no lie.

[last lines]

Jim: Will you come home to England with me, Josie?

Josie: Will I? Wire the King and Queen to lay out the guest towels!

Jim: I remember this one time, he'd been drinking all afternoon and there was this tornado warning. And I was freaking out, crying and shit. And he came over to me and told me not to worry. That he knew a dance that was going to protect us from the tornado. And he went out into the front yard, started dancing and singing and shit. And that tornado, it never came. When I was older, your mom told me he was watching the weather channel with Gary England. He knew that tornado was never coming.

[about Cufe's father]

Cufe Smallhill: You ever feel like, just getting fuck out of here?

Jim: Yeah. But where would I go? I mean, this is home.

Jim: What's in these sausages is a mystery. An' I 'ope it ain't solved in my time...