Jesus Christ Quotes in Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter (2001)

[Jesus walks out of the lake with a small bottle of lemonade]

Jesus Christ: Lemonade?

Father Eustace: Will there be enough?

Jesus Christ: Oh, there'll be plenty.

[Jesus KOs a vampire]

Jesus Christ: [pats body] Body of Christ!

God: Jesus...

Jesus Christ: Is that you, bowl of cherries?

God: Do bowls of cherries talk, Jesus?

Jesus Christ: I don't know. I've seen a lot of strange things over the years.

God: You need help, Jesus, and I will not forsake it.

Jesus Christ: Ohh, it's you Dad. So what's your advice?

Jesus Christ: [singing a song at the Dominion] I was born in a manger / doomed to live in danger.

Jesus Christ: If I'm not back in five minutes, call the Pope.

Jesus Christ: [to the jive talking man behind the counter] Don't tempt me!

Jesus Christ: Why lesbians?

Johnny Golgotha: They're deviants, no one will miss them.

Jesus Christ: There's nothing deviant about love

The Transvestite: Jesus, honey, you're a mess!

Jesus Christ: [weakly] How... did you know... my name?

Jesus Christ: Not even this separates you from my love.

Jesus Christ: A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another.

Jesus Christ: Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.

Jesus Christ: I am the resurrection and the life, he who believes in me will live even though he dies and he who lives and believes in me will never die.

Jesus Christ: It is finished.

Jesus Christ: A person who has had a bath needs only to wash his feet; his whole body is clean, and you are all clean, all except one.

Jesus Christ: Lazarus, come out.

Jesus Christ: Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.

[about human beings]

Satan: It's amazing the things they do. They're inventing themselves now. Artificial intelligence and cybergenetics and so on.

Jesus Christ: It's impressive, I admit.

Satan: They're cross-fertilizing pears with apples and goats with sheeps, tobacco plants with lightning bugs.

Jesus Christ: Now that's just stupid.

Satan: Well, I agree.

Jesus Christ: My father He is a jealous god. To Him the law is everything. Even today, lawyers are His favorites.

Jesus Christ: I had considered the truth of the gospels to be self evident, but I had no idea it would be perverted by people who claimed to preach it in my name.

Lawyer: It's the Mormons. I'm outta here, you're on your own.

Jesus Christ: Now, who are the Mormons again?