Jessica (Clive) Quotes in The Hot Chick (2002)

Jessica (Clive): [on the phone to Billy after becoming a man] I should have made love to you when I had the chance.

Billy: Father Mulcahy?

Jessica (Clive): [after kissing April] I am so lesbian right now.

[Jessica (Clive) to Jake while calling for April]

Jessica (Clive): Too late dude, she's with me right now. She says that my peepee's way bigger than yours. And that's if I fold it in half.

April: So... do you really have a penis?

Jessica (Clive): I don't think you get the gravity of the situation here.

April: Can I see it?

Jessica (Clive): April!

April: Sorry... can I see it?

[Jessica gives April a dirty look]

April: Come on, it's not every day that your best friend grows a penis.

Jessica (Clive): Hildenburg, I'm sorry I humiliated you in front of the whole school and the visiting eighth graders, but you have no idea what it's like... to wake up every morning... and have to shave your chin.

Hildenburg: [crying] Yes, I do.

April: Uh, Jessica has a... problem.

Ling Ling: She's only going to make us wait an hour this time.

Lulu: What about the class trip to Six Flags. She took so long in the bathroom we missed the bus.

Ling Ling: Our parents had to drive three hours to pick us up.

Jessica (Clive): I had my period, OK!

Jessica (Clive): April, do you remember in second grade when you moved here from Arkansas? And everyone made fun of you and threw rocks at you, 'cuz you talked funny and your front two teeth were brown. I was your only friend. I gave you that locket, round your neck, when your grandmother was sick. You said, you said...

April: We'd be bestest friends forever.

Jake: [describing April to Billy] She was a fun ride, no doubt about it, but she is a previously owned vehicle and I'm into that new car smell.

Jessica (Clive): You asshole!

Jessica (Clive): Whoever left these towels here is an asshole.

Jake: [Jake is trying to convince Billy to take someone else to the prom] Maybe this one will put out unlike that cold fish, Jessica.

Jessica (Clive): YOU GO TO HELL!

Jessica (Clive): [defeated] Whoever left these showers on, go to hell.

Jessica (Clive): [disguised as Taquito; as Carol tries to kiss him] Carol, please! This would be wrong for me in at least five different ways!

Carol Spencer: [pulling away] You mean... you like men?

Jessica (Clive): Of course! What did you think?

Jessica (Clive): [whistles] Scoot, he's mine.

Bianca: Boy I don't think so!

[she head butts her]

Billy: Get away!

[a stripper has recognized "Clive" and punches Jessica hard]

Clive (Jessica): Oooh. Nice one!

Pole Cat Stripper: Bastard! You got a lot of nerve coming back here!

Jessica (Clive): But I didn't...

[to Clive]

Jessica (Clive): What was that all about?

Clive (Jessica): Do you believe I get to share a locker with that!

Long-haired Jock: Aren't you that chick who's having sex with that college guy?

Eden: [annoyed] NO.

Long-haired Jock: Wanna be?

Jessica (Clive): She's not interested, so why don't you just back off?

Long-haired Jock: Oh, OK. GRANDPA. What are you, a pimp and these are your skank hoes!

[Jessica slaps him hard]

Long-haired Jock: You and me, right now, lets go.

Jessica (Clive): Where are we going?

Jessica (Clive): How come you didn't snitch on me?

Booger Spencer: Cuz you're my sister and I accept you for who you are.

Jessica (Clive): Come here;

[hugs him]

Jessica (Clive): You're such a little weirdo.

Jessica (Clive): [grabs Clive's drink as he's about to drink it] There'd better not be any alcohol in that!

Clive (Jessica): Oh, no no no. This is a VIRGIN Scotch on the Rocks.

Eden: Any sex with a leprachaun?

Jessica (Clive): Not recently.

Jessica (Clive): This is by far the worse day of my life!

Jessica (Clive): You know, they should come with a warning. Earrings may come with *penis!*

Jessica (Clive): [after ripping the guy's ponytail off] You think you're so cool 'cause you can pee with your penis. Get a new conditioner, your ends are totally SPLIT!

Jessica (Clive): Well, THAT was an experience... Is there any ice in here?

April: No

Jessica (Clive): Thank God.

Eden: It's a latin based form of witchcraft. It originated in Africa and eventually made it's way to Cuba and Brazil.

Lulu: Bianca!

Jessica (Clive): I knew it.

Eden: Most of its rituals involve a chicken.

Hildenburg: That sounds delicious.

[everyone looks at her]

Hildenburg: Uh, I mean interesting.

Jessica (Clive): It's me, Jessica!