Jerry Landers Quotes in Oh, God! (1977)

Jerry Landers: Why me?

God: Why not you?

Jerry Landers: You mean there's no special...

God: Life is a crap shoot, like the millionth customer that crosses the bridge gets to shake hands with the governor. You thought I picked you because you're better than everyone?

Jerry Landers: I'm not?

God: You're better than some but not as good as others, but you crossed the bridge at the right time.

Jerry Landers: How can you permit all the *suffering* that goes on the world?

God: Ah, how can *I* permit the suffering?

Jerry Landers: Yeah!

God: I don't permit the suffering. You do! Free will. All the choices are yours.

Jerry Landers: Choices? What choices?

God: You can love each other, cherish and nurture each other or you can kill each other. Incidentally, "kill" is the word. It's not "waste." If I meant "waste" I would have written "thou shalt not waste." You're doing some very funny things with words, here. You're also turning the sky into mud. I look down, I can't believe the filth. Using the rivers for toilets, poisoning my fishes. You want a miracle? *You* make a fish from scratch. You can't. You think only God can make a tree? Try coming up with a mackerel. And when the last one is gone, that'll be that. Eighty-six on the fishes, goodbye sky, so long world, over and out.

[last lines]

Jerry Landers: Uh, sometimes, uh, now and then, couldn't we just talk?

God: I'll tell you what. You talk, I'll listen.

Jerry Landers: I don't even go to any church!

God: Neither do I.

God: Jerry.

Jerry Landers: Yes, God?

God: You have the strength that comes from knowing.

Jerry Landers: People are always praying to You. Do You listen?

God: I can't help hearing. I don't always listen.

Jerry Landers: So then You don't care.

God: Of course I care! But what can I do?

Jerry Landers: What can You do? You're God!

God: Only for the big picture. I don't get into details.

Jerry Landers: Whatever happens to us...

God: Happens!

Jerry Landers: You know, I'm, I'm liable to lose my job.

God: Lose a job, save a world. Not a bad deal.

Jerry Landers: [God is riding with Jerry in Jerry's car] Now, see, you know a lot of things and you've been making a lot of things happen, but none of it seems...

God: God-like?

Jerry Landers: Yeah, God-like.

God: And what to you would be God-like?

Jerry Landers: Uh... Change the weather.

God: Ah, special effects, huh? What would you like? A little earthquake? A small hurricane?

Jerry Landers: No, no. I wouldn't want anybody hurt. I was just thinking maybe, uh... What about a little rain?

God: A little rain?

Jerry Landers: Yeah, a small shower.

God: One small shower. You got it.

[Rain begins falling]

Jerry Landers: Hey. Hey, it's rainin'! You made it rain! You didn't even bat an eye! You didn't have to lift a finger!

God: Rain's not that hard.

Jerry Landers: It's unbelievable!

God: Would you like it to rain a little harder?

Jerry Landers: No, no. This is fine.

God: How about bigger drops?

Jerry Landers: No! This is fine! Fine!

God: Would you care for a little snow?

Jerry Landers: I don't believe it. Hey! Hey! It's not raining outside. It's just in here!

God: Why should I spoil everybody's day?

Jerry Landers: This is fantastic!

God: Thank you.

Jerry Landers: It's just like Noah's Ark!

God: Same thing. Without the smell.

Bobbie Landers: Jerry, what are you going to do about Mr. Summers?

Jerry Landers: What can I do? What do you want me to do?

Bobbie Landers: I want you to say no more about it, like he said not to!

Jerry Landers: Bobbie, Mr. Summers represents Food World. God is with "World" World! It's a slightly bigger obligation.

Bobbie Landers: Bigger than your job?

Jerry Landers: I have no choice! That's the problem!

Bobbie Landers: The problem is, you do! How far do you intend to take this? I mean, how long is this gonna' go on?

Jerry Landers: Until everyone gets the message! Until I can convince people of this miracle - I mean, that's what it is, you know - it's a miracle! Nothing less! And I've gotta' reach the greatest number of people possible and tell them about it.

Jerry Landers: But when you said... when you said everything would work out, uh, I thought you could tell the future.

God: Absolutely, I could tell the future, the minute it becomes the past. I said, everything could work out, if that's everybody's choice. People have to decide on their own what's to be done with the world. I can't make a personal decision for everybody.

God: [Jerry looks a little downcast] Why the face? So far, so good. We hit the papers, a little TV, we're in business.

Jerry Landers: You know, I'm liable to lose my job.

God: Lose a job, save a world. Not a bad deal.

God: Jerry? Do you want me to talk louder?

Jerry Landers: Oh, God!

God: I thought you didn't believe in me?

Jerry Landers: That's just an expression.

God: I'm more than that.

Jerry Landers: You're here? In my bathroom?

God: Come take a look.

Jerry Landers: I can't. I'm naked.

God: You think I don't know what you got?

God: There's no plan? No scheme - to guide our destinies? A lot of it is luck.

God: A lot of it is luck.

Jerry Landers: Luck! Just luck?

Jerry Landers: You don't control our lives?

God: I gave you a world and everything in it. Its all up to you.

Jerry Landers: You don't care!

God: I do care.

Jerry Landers: But, then, do something about it!

God: I did. I got you to carry the ball.

Jerry Landers: [looks down] I got no ball!

Jerry Landers: I'm not a nut.

Briggs: Oh, I didn't say that you were.

Jerry Landers: I'm not even religious.

Bobbie Landers: Alright, let's say for a minute that you saw God.

Jerry Landers: Look, don't humor me. Or that'll really make me crazy.

Bobbie Landers: Okay! Okay, you saw him! But, why is he talking to you?

Jerry Landers: Well, why not me?

Bobbie Landers: Well, why not the Pope or Billy Graham or somebody way up there?

Jerry Landers: Because he doesn't care about religion!

Bobbie Landers: God doesn't care about religion, right?

Jerry Landers: Well, that's what he said!

Bobbie Landers: Well, he sure picked a funny business to go into, didn't he!

Bobbie Landers: Jerry, I don't want the kids on TV.

Jerry Landers: Can't be any worse than watching it.

George Summers: What is this seein' God crap all about?

Jerry Landers: Well, it's not crap, Mr. Summers. I've seen him.

Jerry Landers: Is it going to get any worse?

God: How should you know?

Jerry Landers: What do you mean, how should you know?

God: How could I know?

Jerry Landers: Why, you know everything!

God: I only know what is. Also, I'm very big on what was. Now, what isn't yet? I haven't got a clue.

Dinah Shore: You're not nervous, are you?

Jerry Landers: No.

Dinah Shore: Well, I don't mind tellin' you, I am. You have some - pretty powerful friends.

Dinah Shore: Why do you suppose he picked you, Jerry?

Jerry Landers: God only knows.

Jerry Landers: Bobbie, don't let it get to you.

Bobbie Landers: Don't let it get to me? Don't let it get to me? Jerry, it's got to me!

God: What was that last question?

Jerry Landers: Ah? "Will there - "

God: "Will there be a Judgement Day for Man?" Well, if they mean a doomsday, an end of the world thing, I'm certainly not going to get into that! But, if you want my personal opinion, I wouldn't look forward to it. They'll be a lot of yelling and screaming and I don't need that anymore than you do.

God: Man and women, persons, their existence means exactly and precisely, not more, not one tiny bit less, just what they think it means and what I think, doesn't count at all.

Jerry Landers: That's very profound.

God: Sometimes I get lucky.

God: Last question...

Jerry Landers: Thank God!

God: You're welcome.

Jerry Landers: Everybody thinks I'm a nut.

God: Galileo. Pasteur. Einstein. Columbus. You're in good company. Hold on.

God: Well, I better be going.

Jerry Landers: Aren't you coming back?

God: No.

Jerry Landers: Ever?

God: Whatever comes. We'll see.