Jerry Falk Quotes in Anything Else (2003)
Jerry Falk Quotes:
Amanda: I've had a crush on you since we met. Couldn't you tell, the way I was ignoring you?
Jerry Falk: Well, there was something compelling about your apathy.
Jerry Falk: Do you love me?
Amanda: What a question. Just because I pull away when you touch me?
Jerry Falk: She's so sexy. Look at her body language. All verbs!
Jerry Falk: I was just saying how strange life is, how it's full of inexplicable mystery.
Cab Driver: Well, you know, it's like anything else.
Jerry Falk: I feel like committing suicide, but I've got so many problems, that wouldn't solve them all.
Amanda: Okay. Okay, I slept with Ron Keller. But I didn't do it because I care about him.
Jerry Falk: No? What then? To punish him?
Amanda: No, I did it because I had to find out if there was something wrong with me. Because I can't sleep with you, the person that I love. I had to know if I was some kind of freak, or frigid. I had to know if I could even get aroused anymore and have an orgasm.
Jerry Falk: And can you?
Amanda: Yeah. It's good news. I can.
Amanda: Don't be mad at me, but I ate.
Jerry Falk: You ate?
Amanda: I couldn't help it. I was starving when I got back from the audition, so I had a little sliver of that Sara Lee cream cheesecake. Then I had another one. You know what I'm like when I get started. Before I knew it, I'd finished the whole cake.
Jerry Falk: You ate the whole Sara Lee cream cheesecake?
Amanda: And then I figured, what the hell. I finished off the cold spaghetti in the refrigerator, and ate that last lobster tail and then I heated up some chicken pot pie.
Jerry Falk: Jesus, is there any furniture left in the house?
Jerry Falk: [after learning his girlfriend cheated on him] OK. Where's the rifle? I need the rifle. I'm going to blow my brains out!
Amanda: Oh, don't be so middle class! I did it as much for you as for me.
Psychiatrist: Tell me about your dream. The Cleveland Indians all got jobs at Toys R Us?
Jerry Falk: Yeah. So what can it possibly mean? Look, I can't keep wasting my hour here describing lunatic dreams. I have a date with Amanda. I can't keep running around town on the sly and live like this. Amanda can handle it, but I need help. What do I do? I have to extricate myself from Brooke. It'll break her heart. She wants to marry me.
Psychiatrist: What comes to mind about the Cleveland Indians?
David Dobel: ...and the next thing I knew they made some crack about my religion which I found in poor taste.
Jerry Falk: Religion? You're an atheist!
David Dobel: Yes, I'm an atheist, but I resented the fact however obliquely that they implied that Auschwitz was basically just a theme park.
David Dobel: You have to learn to take it apart and put it together blindfolded, you know, cause you may have to do it some day in the dark.
Jerry Falk: You expecting Nazis and a blackout?
Amanda: Who do you need protection from?
Jerry Falk: Burglars, rapists, the Gestapo.
Jerry Falk: The doctor had better sex examining her than I've had in six months.
Jerry Falk: And as he says, the issue is always fascism.
[types on his computer]
Jerry Falk: Dobel says the crimes of the Nazis were so enormous that if the entire human race were to vanish as a penalty it could be argued that it would be justified.
Jerry Falk: Remind me, please, to put him on my Christmas list, if I could figure out how to make a letter bomb.
Amanda: Am I late?
Jerry Falk: Not if we go by Rocky Mountain time.
David Dobel: Why are you in analysis? You're afraid to sleep, what else?
Jerry Falk: Fear of death.
David Dobel: That's funny. I have that too. My dog has it. It's very common with living creatures.
Amanda: Jerry, don't be mad. Don't be mad. And don't be mad at Ron, he was just trying to help.
Jerry Falk: Of course he was. Ron? How could I be upset at Ron? In fact, remind me please to put him on my Christmas list if I can figure out how to make a letterbomb.
Jerry Falk: It's exactly as Dobel says, there is truly a paucity of veridical talent in the world.
Amanda: When will I get to meet this polymath?
Jerry Falk: What are you preparing for? The end of civilization?
Jerry Falk: Dobel, you're a madman.
David Dobel: Yeah, that's what they said in Germany. You know there were actually groups in Germany called "Jews for Hitler"? They were deluded, they thought he'd be good for the country. They trusted a naked bus driver, never trust a naked bus driver.
Jerry Falk: Just how crazy are you huh? Is there more? Do you hear voices on the radio or worship snakes?
David Dobel: You are a member of one of the most persecuted minorities in history. The rifle's on me.
Jerry Falk: [typing on his computer] And he's still not convinced that the slaughter of six million Jews is enough to satisfy the anti-semetic impulses of the majority of the world.
Jerry Falk: What's happening here, what's going on?
David Dobel: [trying to pivot the piano] I have it under control... Nothing that can't be done with the help of twelve stevedores and some oxen.
Dobel: I took the liberty a couple weeks ago of ordering you a little present.
Jerry Falk: What?
Dobel: Well, they're having a sale here on surplus Russian Army riffles.
Jerry Falk: What?
Dobel: Well suppose you're home one night, you know, in bed masturbating and some guys try to break in. You need protection.
Jerry Falk: No! I just dial 9-1-1.
Dobel: Have you ever dialed 9-1-1? It's like trying to get a mortgage.
Jerry Falk: It's not here, so where could it be? There's no such thing as a diaphragm repair shop.
Amanda: You're the only one I've ever dated who knows exactly what to get me. That's because you have a special vision of me.
[Jerry opens his present]
Jerry Falk: Ah, "No Exit" and "The Flies", Jean-Paul Sartre, that's amazing, thank you so much!
Amanda: It was between that and O'Neill. I couldn't decided whose pessimistic nihilism would make you happier.
Jerry Falk: You know I think it was Tennessee Williams who said that "the opposite of death is desire". And I desired you from the first moment we met.
Jerry Falk: The routine is fine, this guy's just in the wrong profession.
Harvey Wexler: That's what I told him. I said, "Look, Danny, you've been around for such a long time. You think there's a reason you never really made it?"
Jerry Falk: [to the camera] No tact. None.
Harvey Wexler: I said to him, I said, "A man buys a suit. He says he's happy with the suit. Then he goes around the corner, he sees another suit. Suddenly he doesn't want the suit he's got, he's not happy with it. He wants a new suit, he's not happy with the old one."
Jerry Falk: ...Right. Yeah, hey listen, I'm actually a little busy right now. Can I give you a ring back please?
Harvey Wexler: Look. I was up to NBC, there is nothing doin' up there. Not right now. Things being equal, they'll change. Right now, they're not equal. Look, I would like to have lunch with you this week. I need a business thing done. We have to talk. I got a little business thing I want to talk to you about.
Jerry Falk: What kind of business? What do you mean "business"? What do you want to talk - -?
Harvey Wexler: It's nothing to get anxious about. It's about the future. Goodbye!
[Harvey abruptly hangs up the phone]
Jerry Falk: Hey, what did you do? I wanted to grab the check.
David Dobel: No you didn't.
Jerry Falk: [stammering] What do you mean, no I didn't? Yes I did. I was grabbing the check, I wanted to take care of it.
David Dobel: Never trust a guy who fumbled for a check. You know, he who wants to get the check gets it. As you go through life when you really want to get the check you will find a way to get it.
Harvey Wexler: I ran into Dick Mallory. He's working with a comic who needs material. I naturally told him your price. I said, you know, I told him what you get. The kid works dirty. A lot of bathroom jokes. I said, 'Look. Jerry Falk is a professional! If what you need is bathroom jokes, he can do them.'
Jerry Falk: Harvey?
Harvey Wexler: What's the matter with your voice?
Jerry Falk: Okay, alright, I want out of this relationship.
Amanda: Jerry, Jerry don't say that. Don't say that, you know I need you.
Jerry Falk: Need me? How can you need me when all of these positive feelings happen with everybody but me?
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