Jen Quotes in Batman Returns (1992)

Jen: Our research tells us that voters like fingers.

Jen: There is so much wrong with you, you crazy bitch.

Aughra: Where is he?

Jen: He's dead.

Aughra: Could be anywhere, then.

Jen: The prophecy didn't say anything about this!

Kira: Prophets don't know everything!

Jen: Wings? I don't have wings!

Kira: Of course not. You're a boy.

Jen: Are you a Gelfling? Like me?

Kira: [surprised] Yes!

Jen: I thought I was the only one.

Kira: I thought I was.

Aughra: Now, ask what the Great Conjunction is, what's the Great Conjunction?

Jen: What's the Great Conjunction? You tell me!

Aughra: THE GREAT CONJUNCTION IS THE END OF THE WORLD! Or the beginning. Hm! End of Aughra? Hmph! End, Begin, all the same, Big Change...

Jen: Wings? You have wings! I don't have wings

Kira: Of course not - you're a boy

Jen: [reading the prophecy] When single shines the triple sun/What was sundered and undone/Shall be whole, the two made one/By gelfling hand or else by none.

Jen: I wish I'd never heard of this shard!

Jen: Dear, dear master. I'll find the shard. I'm not ready to go alone...

[pause]

Jen: Alright. Alone then.

Jen: Where are we?

Kira: Safe.

Jen: I don't think anywhere is safe any more.

Kira: What's writing?

Jen: Words that stay. My master taught me.

Jen: [Aughra pours out some shards] Which one is it?

Aughra: Don't know? MmmmmMmmmmah! Don't know? Listen, Gelfling, there is much to be learned. And you have no time.

Jen: Where is this Augrah? How does she look like? How will I find her? "Follow the Greatest Sun for a day to the home of Augrah"... hmph. Some directions!

Jen: Oh, Master, nothing is simple any more.

Baseball Dad: [after Lauren's son strikes out for the third time at the ball game] Maybe you should try badminton.

Lauren: Maybe you should try mouthwash!

Jen: And deodorant!

Lauren: And some testosterone supplement!

Jen: And some Cialis... I'm just assuming!

Baseball Dad: And shave your neck! It's very hairy.

Lauren: Did you just use use the L word with Dick?

Jen: We said it last night.

Lauren: Jen! That's great Why didn't you tell me?

Jen: Well, you finally had a date and it was so awful. I didn't want to make you feel lonelier than you probably already feel.

Lauren: I'm fine actually and I'm not lonely. I have two wonderful men in my life: Brendan and Tyler.

Jen: Brendan needs a girlfriend and Tyler needs Ritalin.

Artie: It never occurred to you that picking girls solely on their looks may not be the best way to go about it?

Hal: What, am I supposed to apologize for having high standards?

Jen: High standards? In the five years I've known you, every woman, I should say girl, you've gone after has been completely out of your league.

Hal: What's that supposed to mean?

Artie: Oh, she doesn't mean anything by it. She's just saying you're not that good looking.

Hal: Oh! I thought she was implying something really mean.

Jen: Hal, we all know you're as deep as a puddle but this just flat out sucks.

Artie: If you had one ounce of integrity left, you would break it off immediately... before you hurt the poor girl.

Jen: I don't know you.

Doyle: I'm Doyle Johnson, you've seen me naked.

Piper: So, before you leave, can I make you a sandwich? The roast turkey's really good here.

Zo: Thank you, but I don't eat anything that had a mother.

Piper: Oh, Okay. Um, egg salad, then?

Zo: Well, eggs are really a chicken abortion, aren't they? I mean, I support a woman's right to choose, but I don't believe anyone asked the chickens beforehand.

Priestly: Right on!

Jen: Well, actually, since farmers don't keep roosters, the eggs aren't fertilized, so technically you're just eating a byproduct of the hen's menstrual cycle.

Priestly: Well that, that's certainly appetizing, a hen-period salad, that's lovely.

Zo: [smiling] I think I'll just stick with a six inch tofurkey.

Priestly: [Walks past Piper and jen, backtracks. To Piper] Who are you?

Piper: Piper.

Priestly: Piper. What are you doing here, Piper?

Piper: I work here.

Priestly: Why wasn't I notified? I wasn't notified!

Trucker: Hey, Priestly. We hired someone.

Priestly: Thank you! I swear, we need like a bulletin board or a staff email or something!

Jen: You know, Priestly. Piper thinks Elvis is dead.

Priestly: [to Trucker] Really? Now, you're hiring people who failed the interview?

Jen: Girls that look like you don't understand. Y'know, I always think, like, if I lost ten pounds, or wore better clothes, or got new boobs that it would make a difference but, I know the truth.

Tish: I'm sorry but that's bullshit. You're the smartest person that I know. And I see you helping those homeless guys that no one can even look at. You make everyone around you happy. You have so much to offer. To say you don't because of how you look is just... is just total bullshit.

Jen: I didn't say I don't have a lot to offer, I said that people will never know because they don't SEE me. How many proms did you miss because no one asked you? How many times have your friends left you sitting alone at a club while they went and danced with guys? Or how many times has a customer completely ignored you to get a better look at me? So until that happens, until you're told time and time again that your place in life is in the background, don't tell me it's bullshit, because you don't know.

Priestly: You're shittin me. Jen, please tell me you didn't leave Fuzzy sitting down there wondering. God damn it Jen.

Jen: I don't expect you to understand.

Priestly: Oh I understand. I understand you wouldn't talk to him cause you were terrified he'd judge you on the basis of your looks, yet you're completely comfortable doing the exact same thing to him. Unbelievable, god!

Jen: Alright, so we have chocolate, sleeping bags, food, personal items, chocolate, money, chocolate, and beer.

Piper: Do you think you have enough chocolate?

Jen: I'll add it.

Fuzzy22: Um, I'm Jeff Kenline, by the way.

Jen: It's a pleasure to meet you, Jeff Kenline.

Priestly: Hey dude! Where'd you get that "fuzzy22" name from?

Fuzzy22: Oh, I got that account when I was working on my senior thesis. It was on fuzzy logic, and I was 22. What, did you think I was a cop or something?

Piper: [about Priestly] He works here?

Jen: Well, he's *employed* here.

Piper: [about her online lover] What happens when *it* wants to meet?

Jen: Well, we've been emailing for almost a year, it hasn't come up.

Piper: A year? Jen, what do you guys talk about if you don't talk about each other?

Jen: Everything else. We talk about music and books, the war in Iraq. His dog, my cat.

Tish: [Priestly walks in dressed in a button-down and khakis. His hair is brushed out and a normal color. His piercings are gone] Holy shit.

Priestly: Miss Matheson, it would be my pleasure if you would agree to accompany me to dinner tonight.

Tish: Depends.

Priestly: On what?

Tish: I wanna know your first name.

Trucker: Yeah!

Priestly: Come on, give me a break! I'm- I went to Banana Republic, for Christ sake!

[Tish looks away]

Priestly: Damn it.

[Whispers]

Priestly: Boaz.

Tish: Can't hear you.

Priestly: Boaz, all right? My-my first name is Boaz.

Jen: Boaz?

Priestly: Shut up.

Tish: Can I tell you something, Boaz?

Priestly: Okay.

Tish: This is something I've never told anyone else.

Priestly: Yeah, of course.

Tish: Tish... Is short for Platicia.

Priestly: Platicia?

Tish: [Nodding] Platicia.

Trucker: ['Interviewing' Piper] Okay, uh. Let me think... Elvis, dead or alive?

Piper: Dead.

Tish: Andy Kaufman?

Piper: Dead.

Trucker: Jerry Garcia?

Piper: Grateful, and dead.

Tish: Mariah Carey?

Piper: Are we talking about her acting career?

Tish: [Chuckles] No.

Piper: Okay, then alive.

Lucille: Why'd you come to Santa Cruz?

Piper: I have family here.

Mr. Julius: Are you a virgin?

[Everyone groans]

Trucker: Mr. Julius!

Mr. Julius: Sorry, sorry.

Piper: No... But I used to be.

Tish: You're not a witch, by any chance?

Piper: Is that a job requirement?

Tish: Trucker's blazin' for the woman who owns the crystal store across the street. He thinks she's Wiccan.

Jen: Yeah, they're soul mates, except she's not exactly aware of it yet.

Trucker: Okay, everybody! Time to vote!

[Everyone puts their hands up, including the customers]

Tish: I don't know. I mean, you're cute and everything, but...

Stud: But what? Come on, Tish!

Tish: Well, it's just...

Priestly: Here it comes.

Tish: [Whispers] I don't really like sex.

Stud: What? How can you not like...

Tish: I've never had a... you know...

Stud: Whoa! Never?

[Tish shakes her head]

Stud: Well, obviously you haven't been with the right guy.

[Points to himself and mouths "Me"]

Tish: [laughs] Okay.

Piper: My God, does that really work?

Jen: Every time.

Priestly: Are you kidding me? It's a man's greatest challenge.

Priestly: [Tish walks in the morning after a romp] Oh, look, she can still walk!

Jen: All right, let's hear it. What were his grades?

Tish: A for effort. C for execution.

Jen: Natural gift?

Tish: Didn't even register.

Piper: That bad, huh?

Tish: That bad, and... He knows it.

Piper: Well, did you at least tell him that size doesn't matter?

[Priestly nods]

Tish: Yeah, sure, I told him. You don't actually think guys believe that, do you?

[Priestly cocks an eyebrow]

Priestly: [Jen's computer chimes] Oh, look! fuzzzy_22, right on time!

Jen: [Pushes Priestly] Shut up!

Priestly: Can't believe it, Jen. You've fallen for a cop.

Tish: Why do you think he's a cop?

Priestly: Uh, 'fuzz'? What else could it be?

Tish: I'm thinking peach fuzz, since he's probably like, 12 or something.

Priestly: Or maybe he's got a really hairy back.

Tish: Ugh!

Piper: Maybe he's a peach farmer in Georgia.

Lucille: Oh, Jen, you don't wanna move to Georgia!

Jen: I'm not moving anywhere.

Tish: I bet the '22' means he's a gun freak.

Piper: Could just be his age, you know.

Tish: Or, it could be the number of years left until his parole hearing.

Priestly: Yeah, or maybe the last 22 years have been really like, fuzzy for him.

Jen: I like that one!

Customer on Cell Phone: I ordered a, uh, 12-inch veggie sub.

[Holds up a six-inch sub]

Customer on Cell Phone: Does this look like 12 inches to you?

Jen: No, I...

Tish: [Walks over] You know how girls are no good with measurements.

[Holds up the other half of his sub]

Tish: My last boyfriend told me that this *was* twelve inches. So go figure.

Tish: [about Jen's meeting fuzzzy] Well, I'm coming with.

Jen: Really?

Piper: Me, too.

Jen: You guys are the best!

Priestly: Yep, count me in!

Tish, Piper, Jen: Forget it.

Trucker: Can we get to work now?

Priestly: I'll, I'll drive.

Piper: No.

Priestly: I'll buy the beer.

[Jen laughs at him]

Priestly: I never get to do anything fun.

Tish: [Tadd walks in after hours] Tadd.

Tadd: Tish.

Tish: So what can I get for you tonight?

Tadd: An order to go.

Tish: What do you want?

Tadd: You.

Jen: [sighs dreamily. They both look at her] Sorry. Just living vicariously. Ignore me.

Tish: Well, look, um... With men, I've never had a, you know, a full-on...

Tadd: Does tha work on stupid guys?

Tish: Yeah, usually.

Tadd: You ready to go, then?

Trucker: What did I miss at our staff meeting?

Jen: Well, Tish is in love. Or lust, depending on who you're talking to...

Trucker: Really? Proud of you, angel.

[High-fives Tish]

Jen: Piper is digging herself deeper and deeper into the the pit of deceit with the Millers...

Trucker: Good. Nice to see that our company tradition for making the worst possible decision in any situation has been passed on to the next generation of employee.

Jen: Priestly has gotten in touch with his feminine side...

Priestly: [Offscreen] I love my kilt!

Jen: And I have reached a decision on meeting fuzzy.

Tish: No way.

Jen: What?

Tish: You're still the scarlet V.

Jen: [Scoffs] So? It's nothing to be ashamed of. Is it?

Piper: No, it's not. If I had maintained, I wouldn't be in the mess I'm in now.

Tish: Yeah, yeah. Listen, it's uh, it's not really different from when you do it yourself, it just takes a lot longer.

[Jen makes a face]

Tish: Never?

Jen: You guys, I'm a computer nerd daughter of a southern Baptist minister from Wichita! I'm the worst kind of late bloomer!

Piper: You've never plucked your own banjo?

Jen: Come on, it's not like you guys do it all the time, right?

Piper: Yesterday morning.

Tish: Two days ago.

Lucille: Last night.

[the girls look at her]

Lucille: Don't worry; I made Bam Bam go in the other room!

Jen: Oh. And *I'm* the one worried about carpal tunnel.

Tish: Yeah, it's not carpal. It's more in the fingers.

[Piper laughs]

Jen: [about Fuzzy] It's a no-brainer. We *have* to meet.

Priestly: Right on!

Piper: And what if he is a woman?

Jen: We'll find a way to make it work.

Priestly: Ooh, if that happens, can I watch?

Tish: What is he's 14?

Priestly: Ooh, if that happens, can I, uh

[Holds a glass to his eye]

Priestly: videotape?

Jen: He's driving himself to the meeting point, so he's gotta be at least 16, right? And that's not *that* much younger.

Trucker: Convicted felon?

Jen: Well, he's out noe, so it couldn't have been that bad.

Mr. Julius: Paralyzed?

Jen: If *he* can deal with that, I sure can.

Lucille: Ugly as a rhino's ass?

Jen: Looks are really the least of my worries. I mean, he's a great guy.

Priestly: Well, what if he's got, like, crazy-ass hair and-and, and more artificial holes in his head than real ones?

Jen: Well, I could never be that lucky.

[Priestly smiles]

Jen: [Tish and Piper are waiting in the hall while she masterbates for the first time] Nothing's happening!

Tish: Keep going!

Jen: I don't know, you guys. Maybe mine's a dud.

Tish, Piper: Keep going!

Jen: Ow!

Tish: What?

Jen: It's very intense.

Piper: Well, just slow it down a little bit.

Tish: Or move it to the left.

Tish: Suppose it drives some beat up piece of shit held together by duct tape and dental floss?

Jen: All you need is love.

Tish: What if he has like, NRA and skinhead stickers all over it?

Jen: We can work it out.

Piper: It's Beatles Night at the Morro Bay Whaler, accepting Fab Four requests all night long!

Tish: What if he's the fool in the hill? Or the nowhere man?

Jen: Tish, let it be.

Piper: Besides, everybody's got something to hide...

Tish, Piper: 'Cept me and my monkey!

Piper: Maybe we should send Tish past him and see if he checks her out.

Jen: If he doesn't check Tish out, he's either gay or dead.

Tish: All I saw tonight was just a guy looking for the girl of his dreams.

Jen: A guy like that doesn't dream about a girl like me.

Tish: Is this about how cute he was? I mean, I thought you'd be happy. Not to mention, you know, pretty damn relieved.

Piper: Besides, you said that looks don't matter.

Jen: Yeah, that was before I knew he was Brad fucking Pitt. There's no way a guy who looks like that is gonna want me.

Tish: That's crazy.

Jen: Is it? I mean, look at Tadd. When he came into the shop, he didn't exaclty bee-line to me, did he?

Piper: Yeah, but Tadd is a superficial dickhead. Everybody knows that.

[Tish looks at her]

Piper: Everyone except Tish. Sorry.

Jen: [Masterbating for the first time. Offscreen] Oh, my God! Oh, my god! Uh, oh, my God!

Piper: Ladies and gentlemen, we have lift-off!

Tish: Elvis has left the building!

Jen: [Fuzzzy comes in disguised as a homeless man] Hi. Are you hungry?

Fuzzy22: No.

Jen: Okay, um... Then how can I help?

Fuzzy22: You're pretty.

Jen: Well, I don't... I don't know about that.

Fuzzy22: I do.

Jen: Well, thank you.

Fuzzy22: You're *very* pretty.

[Jen blushes]

Fuzzy22: And you're exactly what I'd hoped you'd be...

[Takes off his hat]

Fuzzy22: Lady_bugger.

[Pulls a rose from his jacket and gives it to her. They hug]

Trucker: All right, angels, the Causemobile is ready to roll!

Jen, Tish, Piper: Thanks, Charlie!

Amy: Was it threatening?

Jen: Yeah, it hovered over me while I was peeing!

Rodney: I'd hover over you peeing... While you were peeing...

Jen: I totally believe in seat-belts. Safety first.

Jen: I generally feel that people are basically good. However, this one time I was following Phish tour - man, I just love those guys - so, this guy, anyway, driving this really bitching Beamer stops for me, So chitchat chitchat, he was a doctor or a banker, I don't know, a monition or something. So, he asks me where I'm going. And don't ask me how it got started, but we get on the subject of music. Now I don't know a lot of things, but in fact music is the one thing that I am extremely familiar with. I just get it, get it? So this yuppie dickhead starts telling me about music and how back in the day - and I'm like - how ADD kids are nowadays, and I'm like "Fuck!" You know,"back in the day"? Music transcends time and space. Man, it's like a whole symbolic relationship between - are you feeling me? It's like a whole symbolic relationship between life, death, malls, pets, ya know; health and nutrition. So Mr. 2.4 Kids, he tries to kiss me! He actually has his

[crying]

Jen: fucking sweaty paws all over me!

[she screams]

Jen: so what I did was - what I did was, I just leaned over and smashed down really hard in a really sensitive place. Are you feeling me? My aim was dead on! Ding-dong. I rang the bell and won the kewpie, doll, man. I also happened to lose my ride.Took me like four hours to get another one. What was my point? Oh, yeah! You know, I generally believe that people are basically good.

Jen: Cathy, it could be fun.

Cathy: That's right, Jen. It could also not be fun. See how that works?

Jen: Just think, I could have hitched a ride with a stalker.

Jen: I think we should let the children play their children games. 'Sides, we have some adult games to get to.

Jim: Oh God, I love you.