Jeffrey Anderson Quotes in Soapdish (1991)

[Reading unrehearsed lines off the TelePrompTer]

Celeste Talbert: [as Maggie] Dr. Randall, what a surprise! Are you having lunch here?

Jeffrey Anderson: [as Dr. Randall] I will if it's that sample. Huh... I wish it was that simple.

Edmund Edwards: [offstage] This guy never heard of contact lenses?

Jeffrey Anderson: [as Dr. Randall] The test results have come back.

Celeste Talbert: [as Maggie] And?

Jeffrey Anderson: [as Dr. Randall] And I'm afraid the results are very disturbing. It seems that Angelique has a rare case of brake fluid...

[pause]

Jeffrey Anderson: Bran... fluid. Bran flavor.

Burton White: What the hell?

David Barnes: [offstage] Brain fever!

Edmund Edwards: [offstage, loudly] Say it!

Celeste Talbert: [as Maggie] Brain fever!

Jeffrey Anderson: [as Dr. Randall] Yes. Brain fever. Or what we call in Austria...

[they both goggle at the word]

Jeffrey Anderson: Kopfgeschlagen. At the current rate of inflation, her brain will laterally explore the...

Celeste Talbert: [as Maggie] Literally explode?

Jeffrey Anderson: [as Dr. Randall] Exactly, within the next three houses.

Celeste Talbert: [as Maggie] Hours?

Jeffrey Anderson: [as Dr. Randall] Yes, will literally explode within next three hours. I would suggest leaving the restraint.

Celeste Talbert: [as Maggie] Restaurant?

Jeffrey Anderson: [as Dr. Randall] Restaurant, yes.

Celeste Talbert: [as Maggie] Her brain will actually explode?

Jeffrey Anderson: [as Dr. Randall] Yes, yes, I've, um, seen it happen. It's a dreadful, dreadful thug. Thing.

Jeffrey Anderson: You have beautiful eyes.

Ariel Maloney: Ooh, they're nothing compared to my tits.

Montana Moorehead: [as Lori, Celeste, And Jeffrey kiss and make up] WAIT! Wait! But I'm carrying his child!

Jeffrey Anderson: [annoyed] I didn't sleep with her! Will somebody please believe me!

[Ariel and Rose enter as doctors]

Jeffrey Anderson: Doctor!

Ariel Maloney: A second opinion...

[Celeste mouths to Rose asking what she's doing]

Ariel Maloney: ...this is Dr. Frans Blau of the sex change clinic in Bethesda, Maryland.

Rose Schwartz: Thank you. Dr. Randall, after extensive investigations, I've come to the conclusion that it's virtually impossible for you to have impregnated your nurse - Montana Moorehead - because before she came to our little clinic, she was... Milton Moorehead of Syosset, Long Island. Hello!

[Rose opens the high school yearbook showing Montana's teenage boy photo]

Montana Moorehead: [shouts and runs off] NO! NO! NO!

Jeffrey Anderson: One more date we would've had a Greek tragedy on our hands.

Jeffrey Anderson: Of course I'm an egomaniac! I have America's Sweetheart climbing up my drainpipe!

Jeffrey Anderson: Don't call me Mr. Loman! My name is Anderson! Anderson! ANDERSON!

Jeffrey Anderson: Of course I can kiss her!

Lori Craven: This is ridiculous! I can kiss who I want!

Celeste Talbert: No! You can't! You can't kiss her!

Jeffrey Anderson: Why because she's *your* neice?

Celeste Talbert: [shouts] No, you nitwit! Because she's my daughter! And your daughter.

Lori Craven: What?

Jeffrey Anderson: What are you talking about?

Celeste Talbert: We're her parents! *You* and I!

[sobbing]

Celeste Talbert: We're her Mommy and her Daddy.

[Explaining his proposal for a one-man Hamlet play]

Jeffrey Anderson: See, my - my theory is that all the characters are Hamlet: it's all happening in Hamlet's head. So you only need one actor.

Celeste Talbert: Oh, I'll tell you why I'm here! I'm here because... I... I...

Jeffrey Anderson: Come on, say it! "I want you, Jeffery. I'm consumed with jealousy for my neice, because I want you."

Celeste Talbert: Oh, please!

Jeffrey Anderson: Admit it, you have feelings for me.

Celeste Talbert: My feelings are ABOUT you, not FOR you. There's a big difference!

Jeffrey Anderson: You speak beautifully for a mute.

Jeffrey Anderson: No, no, no, doing dinner theatre is horrible. Doing hemorrhoid commercials is horrible. What you did... there are no words for!

Celeste Talbert: Why are you here?

Jeffrey Anderson: This is my apartment. I live here. Why are YOU here?

Celeste Talbert: What are you doing here?

Jeffrey Anderson: This is my apartment, I live here, what are YOU doing here?

Ariel Maloney: New boy in town?

Jeffrey Anderson: Just got off the choo-choo... you have lovely eyes.

Ariel Maloney: They're nothing compared to my tits! You should come up and see them sometime!

[scene switch back and forth of Celeste, Lori, and Jeffrey in Edwards' office]

Celeste Talbert: I never worked in an atmosphere like this before.

Jeffrey Anderson: This whole pregnancy thing is a scam! I resent being treated like a leper!

Lori Craven: Having to work with these two is a personal nightmare for me. I'm on the verge of a breakdown!

Celeste Talbert: I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown!

Jeffrey Anderson: I could conceivably have a breakdown.

Lori Craven: I mean, can you imagine what it's like having to face them on the set every single day?

Celeste Talbert: It just seems to get harder and harder, even though I devoted my entire life to this show.

Jeffrey Anderson: [walks back and forth lost for words] Uh...

Lori Craven: Mr. Edwards, it's them or me, that is the bottom line here. They go or I go!

Edwards: This is the toughest decision I ever have to make, but I get paid 1.2 million dollars to make these kind of command decisions. So here it is...

[eats a cracker]

[Jeffrey is about to prepare the brain transplant]

Lori Craven: MOTHER!

[Celeste sits up]

Lori Craven: No, I can't let you do this!

Burton White: She spoke?

Jeffrey Anderson: She spoke!

Montana Moorehead: Sudden speech, the last stages of brain fever! She can blow up any moment!

Lori Craven: I can always speak! Mother...

Montana Moorehead: She's MY mother!

Celeste Talbert: MONTANA, SHUT UP!

Jeffrey Anderson: [onstage as Willy Loman] You have a fine city here.

Old Woman: You're doing so well up there.

Lori Craven: The hand thing is starting to sound rehearsed.

Jeffrey Anderson: Rehearsed? Maybe I need new material.

Lori Craven: No, I mean talk, like ourselves.

Jeffrey Anderson: Would you like to have dinner?

Lori Craven: Yes

Jeffrey Anderson: With me?

Lori Craven: Yes

Jeffrey Anderson: Just like that?

Celeste Talbert: Jeffrey! Help me please.

Jeffrey Anderson: You're kidding?

Celeste Talbert: Jeffrey, please?

Jeffrey Anderson: I hope you're wearing underwear. Dare I ask?

Celeste Talbert: I'm lost. I'm not familiar with the neighborhood.

Jeffrey Anderson: Well you get a nice view of it from up here.

Jeffrey Anderson: You sure that's why you're here?

Celeste Talbert: Get your hands off my-God you're so disgusting.

Jeffrey Anderson: Lori, get your clothes on! Your aunt's here.

Celeste Talbert: You lowlife, lecherous-Lori?

Jeffrey Anderson: She left ten minutes ago.

Celeste Talbert: Don't insult my intelligence.

Celeste Talbert: Why are you here?

Jeffrey Anderson: This is my apartment. I live here. Why are you here?

Celeste Talbert: I'll tell you why I'm here. Oh I'll tell you why I'm here. I'm here because...

Jeffrey Anderson: Go on, go on, say it!

Celeste Talbert: I...

Jeffrey Anderson: I want you Jeffrey. I'm consumed with jealousy for my niece because I want you for myself.

Celeste Talbert: Oh please.

Jeffrey Anderson: You still have feelings for me. Admit it.

Celeste Talbert: My feelings are about you, not for you. There's a very big difference.

Celeste Talbert: I didn't know it was your drainpipe, I thought it was somebody else's drainpipe.

Jeffrey Anderson: Your eyes, they're burning.

Celeste Talbert: I've got the flu.

Jeffrey Anderson: No, they're burning with passion.

Celeste Talbert: You're full of shit.

Jeffrey Anderson: Of course I'm full of shit but not about that.