Jeffrey Anderson Quotes in Soapdish (1991)


Jeffrey Anderson Quotes:

  • [Reading unrehearsed lines off the TelePrompTer]

    Celeste Talbert: [as Maggie] Dr. Randall, what a surprise! Are you having lunch here?

    Jeffrey Anderson: [as Dr. Randall] I will if it's that sample. Huh... I wish it was that simple.

    Edmund Edwards: [offstage] This guy never heard of contact lenses?

    Jeffrey Anderson: [as Dr. Randall] The test results have come back.

    Celeste Talbert: [as Maggie] And?

    Jeffrey Anderson: [as Dr. Randall] And I'm afraid the results are very disturbing. It seems that Angelique has a rare case of brake fluid...


    Jeffrey Anderson: Bran... fluid. Bran flavor.

    Burton White: What the hell?

    David Barnes: [offstage] Brain fever!

    Edmund Edwards: [offstage, loudly] Say it!

    Celeste Talbert: [as Maggie] Brain fever!

    Jeffrey Anderson: [as Dr. Randall] Yes. Brain fever. Or what we call in Austria...

    [they both goggle at the word]

    Jeffrey Anderson: Kopfgeschlagen. At the current rate of inflation, her brain will laterally explore the...

    Celeste Talbert: [as Maggie] Literally explode?

    Jeffrey Anderson: [as Dr. Randall] Exactly, within the next three houses.

    Celeste Talbert: [as Maggie] Hours?

    Jeffrey Anderson: [as Dr. Randall] Yes, will literally explode within next three hours. I would suggest leaving the restraint.

    Celeste Talbert: [as Maggie] Restaurant?

    Jeffrey Anderson: [as Dr. Randall] Restaurant, yes.

    Celeste Talbert: [as Maggie] Her brain will actually explode?

    Jeffrey Anderson: [as Dr. Randall] Yes, yes, I've, um, seen it happen. It's a dreadful, dreadful thug. Thing.

  • Jeffrey Anderson: You have beautiful eyes.

    Ariel Maloney: Ooh, they're nothing compared to my tits.

  • Montana Moorehead: [as Lori, Celeste, And Jeffrey kiss and make up] WAIT! Wait! But I'm carrying his child!

    Jeffrey Anderson: [annoyed] I didn't sleep with her! Will somebody please believe me!

    [Ariel and Rose enter as doctors]

    Jeffrey Anderson: Doctor!

    Ariel Maloney: A second opinion...

    [Celeste mouths to Rose asking what she's doing]

    Ariel Maloney: ...this is Dr. Frans Blau of the sex change clinic in Bethesda, Maryland.

    Rose Schwartz: Thank you. Dr. Randall, after extensive investigations, I've come to the conclusion that it's virtually impossible for you to have impregnated your nurse - Montana Moorehead - because before she came to our little clinic, she was... Milton Moorehead of Syosset, Long Island. Hello!

    [Rose opens the high school yearbook showing Montana's teenage boy photo]

    Montana Moorehead: [shouts and runs off] NO! NO! NO!

  • Jeffrey Anderson: One more date we would've had a Greek tragedy on our hands.

  • Jeffrey Anderson: Of course I'm an egomaniac! I have America's Sweetheart climbing up my drainpipe!

  • Jeffrey Anderson: Don't call me Mr. Loman! My name is Anderson! Anderson! ANDERSON!

  • Jeffrey Anderson: Of course I can kiss her!

    Lori Craven: This is ridiculous! I can kiss who I want!

    Celeste Talbert: No! You can't! You can't kiss her!

    Jeffrey Anderson: Why because she's *your* neice?

    Celeste Talbert: [shouts] No, you nitwit! Because she's my daughter! And your daughter.

    Lori Craven: What?

    Jeffrey Anderson: What are you talking about?

    Celeste Talbert: We're her parents! *You* and I!


    Celeste Talbert: We're her Mommy and her Daddy.

  • [Explaining his proposal for a one-man Hamlet play]

    Jeffrey Anderson: See, my - my theory is that all the characters are Hamlet: it's all happening in Hamlet's head. So you only need one actor.

  • Celeste Talbert: Oh, I'll tell you why I'm here! I'm here because... I... I...

    Jeffrey Anderson: Come on, say it! "I want you, Jeffery. I'm consumed with jealousy for my neice, because I want you."

    Celeste Talbert: Oh, please!

    Jeffrey Anderson: Admit it, you have feelings for me.

    Celeste Talbert: My feelings are ABOUT you, not FOR you. There's a big difference!

  • Jeffrey Anderson: You speak beautifully for a mute.

  • Jeffrey Anderson: No, no, no, doing dinner theatre is horrible. Doing hemorrhoid commercials is horrible. What you did... there are no words for!

  • Celeste Talbert: Why are you here?

    Jeffrey Anderson: This is my apartment. I live here. Why are YOU here?

  • Celeste Talbert: What are you doing here?

    Jeffrey Anderson: This is my apartment, I live here, what are YOU doing here?

  • Ariel Maloney: New boy in town?

    Jeffrey Anderson: Just got off the choo-choo... you have lovely eyes.

    Ariel Maloney: They're nothing compared to my tits! You should come up and see them sometime!

  • [scene switch back and forth of Celeste, Lori, and Jeffrey in Edwards' office]

    Celeste Talbert: I never worked in an atmosphere like this before.

    Jeffrey Anderson: This whole pregnancy thing is a scam! I resent being treated like a leper!

    Lori Craven: Having to work with these two is a personal nightmare for me. I'm on the verge of a breakdown!

    Celeste Talbert: I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown!

    Jeffrey Anderson: I could conceivably have a breakdown.

    Lori Craven: I mean, can you imagine what it's like having to face them on the set every single day?

    Celeste Talbert: It just seems to get harder and harder, even though I devoted my entire life to this show.

    Jeffrey Anderson: [walks back and forth lost for words] Uh...

    Lori Craven: Mr. Edwards, it's them or me, that is the bottom line here. They go or I go!

    Edwards: This is the toughest decision I ever have to make, but I get paid 1.2 million dollars to make these kind of command decisions. So here it is...

    [eats a cracker]

  • [Jeffrey is about to prepare the brain transplant]

    Lori Craven: MOTHER!

    [Celeste sits up]

    Lori Craven: No, I can't let you do this!

    Burton White: She spoke?

    Jeffrey Anderson: She spoke!

    Montana Moorehead: Sudden speech, the last stages of brain fever! She can blow up any moment!

    Lori Craven: I can always speak! Mother...

    Montana Moorehead: She's MY mother!

    Celeste Talbert: MONTANA, SHUT UP!

  • Jeffrey Anderson: [onstage as Willy Loman] You have a fine city here.

    Old Woman: You're doing so well up there.

  • Lori Craven: The hand thing is starting to sound rehearsed.

    Jeffrey Anderson: Rehearsed? Maybe I need new material.

    Lori Craven: No, I mean talk, like ourselves.

    Jeffrey Anderson: Would you like to have dinner?

    Lori Craven: Yes

    Jeffrey Anderson: With me?

    Lori Craven: Yes

    Jeffrey Anderson: Just like that?

  • Celeste Talbert: Jeffrey! Help me please.

    Jeffrey Anderson: You're kidding?

    Celeste Talbert: Jeffrey, please?

  • Jeffrey Anderson: I hope you're wearing underwear. Dare I ask?

    Celeste Talbert: I'm lost. I'm not familiar with the neighborhood.

    Jeffrey Anderson: Well you get a nice view of it from up here.

  • Jeffrey Anderson: You sure that's why you're here?

    Celeste Talbert: Get your hands off my-God you're so disgusting.

  • Jeffrey Anderson: Lori, get your clothes on! Your aunt's here.

    Celeste Talbert: You lowlife, lecherous-Lori?

    Jeffrey Anderson: She left ten minutes ago.

    Celeste Talbert: Don't insult my intelligence.

  • Celeste Talbert: Why are you here?

    Jeffrey Anderson: This is my apartment. I live here. Why are you here?

    Celeste Talbert: I'll tell you why I'm here. Oh I'll tell you why I'm here. I'm here because...

    Jeffrey Anderson: Go on, go on, say it!

    Celeste Talbert: I...

    Jeffrey Anderson: I want you Jeffrey. I'm consumed with jealousy for my niece because I want you for myself.

    Celeste Talbert: Oh please.

    Jeffrey Anderson: You still have feelings for me. Admit it.

    Celeste Talbert: My feelings are about you, not for you. There's a very big difference.

  • Celeste Talbert: I didn't know it was your drainpipe, I thought it was somebody else's drainpipe.

    Jeffrey Anderson: Your eyes, they're burning.

    Celeste Talbert: I've got the flu.

    Jeffrey Anderson: No, they're burning with passion.

    Celeste Talbert: You're full of shit.

    Jeffrey Anderson: Of course I'm full of shit but not about that.

Browse more character quotes from Soapdish (1991)