Jeff Portnoy Quotes in Tropic Thunder (2008)

[Jeff, Kirk, and Kevin have just learned Alpa is gay]

Jeff Portnoy: [Tied to a tree and going through cocaine withdrawals] Alpa, if you untie me, I will literally suck your dick, right now.

Alpa Chino: Man, I told you for the last time, I love tha pussy!

Jeff Portnoy: I'll cradle the balls, stroke the shaft, work the pipe, and swallow the gravy. Get it over here, buddy. Let's do this.

Kirk Lazarus: You gonna focus up now, motherfucker and say it! "It's me, Tugg!"

Tugg Speedman: It's Me Tugg.

Kirk Lazarus: That's right! Now, Tugg who?

Tugg Speedman: Tugg who? I don't know. Who are you?

Kirk Lazarus: Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude.

Kevin Sandusky: What?

Kirk Lazarus: You a dude that don't know what dude he is!

Tugg Speedman: Or are you a dude who has no idea what dude he is and claims to know what dude he is...

Jeff Portnoy: What the fuck are you guys talking about?

Tugg Speedman: ...by playing other dudes.

Kirk Lazarus: I know what dude I am!

Tugg Speedman: You're scared.

Kirk Lazarus: I ain't scared. Scared of what?

Tugg Speedman: Or scared of who?

Kirk Lazarus: Scared of who!

Kevin Sandusky: Come on guys. We really need to go!

Tugg Speedman: Scared of you!

Jeff Portnoy: Hey, Radar. Elvins.

Kevin Sandusky: It's Kevin.

Jeff Portnoy: Kev - whatever the fuck, come over here. I didn't tell you, but Fatties Fart 3 is coming down the pike and there's a role in there for you if you come over and untie me.

Kevin Sandusky: Jeff, you're just going to have to tough it out.

Jeff Portnoy: Your mother's a cankerous whore!

Kevin Sandusky: Jesus, man!

Jeff Portnoy: Hey, man, remember way back when I said your mother was a cankerous whore? I'm sorry, man. I did not mean that. She's not.

Jeff Portnoy: So, what's the plan, man? You gonna talk Vietnamese to those dudes?

Kirk Lazarus: No, no. Mandarin Chinese. What I can tell, it's what they're speaking down there.

Jeff Portnoy: How the hell do you know Chinese?

Kirk Lazarus: Land of Silk and Money with Gong Li. Second Globe, third Oscar. I prepped for that one by working in a Beijing textile factory for eight months.

Alpa Chino: Yeah... but those dudes was trained soldiers.

Kirk Lazarus: [cocks unloaded pistol] Yeah! And we trained actors, mothafucka! Time to man up. And I ain't gonna sugarcoat. Some of us might not even make it back.

Jeff Portnoy: What do you mean? Like, not on the same flight?

Jeff Portnoy: [shoves drugs in guards' faces] Take this you bastards! Oh hilarious!

[the guards drop to the ground]

Jeff Portnoy: Let's move! We only have 16 hours before they wake up!

Kevin Sandusky: [Kevin walks up to Jeff and causes him to spill his heroin] Hey Jeff what are you doin?

Jeff Portnoy: Fuckin'. Nothing man I'm eating jelly beans.

Kevin Sandusky: Whoa jelly beans can I have...

Jeff Portnoy: No you can't have any fuckin' jelly beans! You think you're the only one who gets sick when he doesn't get his jelly beans? Boundaries man...

Jeff Portnoy: [to Four Leaf] You grew hands?

Jeff Portnoy: [heading towards an ox] I need to bite its hide... and wear its stomach like a unitard.

Kirk Lazarus: Ain't nobody doing nothing to no one or body! Now, Mr. Portnoy is feeling a little flu-ish, don't wanna walk, put him up on that cloven-hoof animal!

Jeff Portnoy: [after Jeff catches the bat that stole his heroin] Hahaha! Now you're dead! You OD'ed!

[he takes a bite out of the bat]

Jeff Portnoy: Aaaagghh! Fucking hell!

Alpa Chino: What the hell? Jeff, that was a BAT, man!

Jeff Portnoy: I don't have any more... jellybeans.

Jeff Portnoy: [after catching the bat that stole his drugs] Ha! You O-Ded!

Jeff Portnoy: I don't wanna die like Hendrix!

Jeff Portnoy: [after he and his co stars are left alone with Damien in the jungle] This is bullshit! I gotta at least call my fucking assistant.

[Damien slaps Jeff several times]

Jeff Portnoy: Ow! Fucking! Jesus! Dude!

Damien Cockburn: You're sitting on a nest of hostile enemy V.C. Congratulations, Fats! You just got us all killed.

Jeff Portnoy: Let me tell you something. A lot of people are disrespecting me. They say that the movie's just about farts. It's about family, and f...

[swear word gets bleeped]

Jeff Portnoy: ... you! You can't do what I do.

Tugg Speedman: You tell the world what happened here.

Kirk Lazarus: What happened here?

Tugg Speedman: I don't know, but you need to tell them.

[Tugg turns around and walks back over the bridge]

Jeff Portnoy: Where is he going? We're gonna fucking die!

Four Leaf Tayback: Laz, come on! He joined the circus. Let's go!

Kirk Lazarus: You've got hands? Fuck, you've got hands?

Kirk Lazarus: I know who I am! I'm a dude playing a dude disgused as another dude!

Kevin Sandusky: What?

Kirk Lazarus: You're a dude that don't know what dude he is!

Tugg Speedman: Or are you a dude who has no idea what dude he is and claims to know what dude he is...

Jeff Portnoy: What the fuck are you guys talking about?

Tugg Speedman: by playing other dudes?

Jeff Portnoy: Listen you cherry fuck, you call in that snake'n nape and get us some boomboom now!

Kevin Sandusky: [Jeff staring at heroin] Jeff! Don't!

Jeff Portnoy: Doesn't matter what I do. I'll always be a screw-up no one will ever respect me.

Kevin Sandusky: That is not true, you're not screw-up you make so many people laugh.

Jeff Portnoy: They only laugh at my farts.

Kevin Sandusky: Jeff, we really need to go now!

Jeff Portnoy: This is all I deserve.

[Jeff grabs the pile heroin]

Kevin Sandusky: [to Jeff] I got a baaaad feeling on this one there, Fats.

Jeff Portnoy: [as Fats] Our asses don't get fragged in this bullshit valley, first thing I'm doin' is payin' my two bucks so I can watch Brooklyn bust his cherry on a sweet little mama son's dinky-down poon-tang!

Jeff Portnoy: Let's move, we only have sixteen hours before they wake up!

Jeff Portnoy: [as Fats] Our asses don't get fragged in this bullshit valley, first thing I'm doin' is payin' my two bucks so I can watch Brooklyn bust his cherry on a sweet little mama son's dinky-down poon-tang!

Alpa Chino: Shit, Brooklyn be bagged and tagged fuckin' the cootchie. He die, he probably die a cootchless motha fucka! hahaha!