Jeff Quotes in Breakdown (1997)

Red: You're a tough man to get a hold of, Jeffery.

Jeff: What do you want?

Red: It's not what I want, it's what you want, and how bad you want it. 'Cause it's gonna cost you. Can't show it to you right now, but it's about 5'5", 115 pounds, three or four of that just pure tit. Nice curly brown hair, upstairs and down. Interested?

Sheriff Boyd: Mr. Taylor, did you, uh, by any chance, have a beef with your wife today?

Jeff: What has that got to do with anything!

Sheriff Boyd: Well, for starters, maybe there's a possibility that she could have left you.

Jeff: I don't - I don't believe this! My wife did not leave me!

Sheriff Boyd: Mr Taylor, I've seen it a hundred times. You put two people in a car long enough, they're gonna go at it. Lovers, married couples, gay guys- hell, I've seen men dump their women on the side of the road and vice versa.

Jeff: Give me the key.

Red: Mister...

Jeff: Don't "mister" me you son of a bitch. My wife is locked up in a hole in your fucking barn, and if you don't give me the key, I'm gonna blow your fucking head off!

Jeff: [pointing a gun at Red] You'd better pray she's still alive.

Red: [Jeff forces Red and his family to get into the cellar] You better remember this, fella cuz no matter where you go...

Jeff: You fuck!

[kicks him in the face, sending him falling down the cellar]

Jeff: You should know, I'm a black belt.

John Connor: But of course you are dear.

[grabbing Yung by the neck]

Jeff: I really want to kill you, but you're not worth it.

Jeff: I wonder if I could kick your ass. No, not just you. All three of you.

Bandana: Are you serious?

Jeff: Yeah. Are you? I take on all three of you, you point me in the right direction. Deal?

Bandana: Full contact. No protection.

Jeff: No problem.

Jeff: [after beating three guys] Where is he?

Bandana: Forget it.

Jeff: [locking his arm] We had a deal. Talk.

Bandana: Croc-pit.

Jeff: Where?

Bandana: Croc-pit Club. He hangs out there. They all do.

Jeff: Thanks. Who said it never hurt to ask?

Jeff: I wonder if I could kick your ass... Wait... not just you... all three of you.

Jeff: What kind of hell did you crawl out of?

Alabama: It was called Harlem, baby. I learned to survive, never have pity. This game is called survival. Let's see how well you can play it. I was strung-out behind smack at ten and worked in the streets when I was twelve. You've got a long way to go.

Jeff: Well! Masturbate in hell!

Chung: [Jeff gets into a fight with Hoodlum, the Thailand crime boss and after escaping Hoodlum's thugs, the group tries to consider what their options are] We've had it! That bastard runs the whole damn city! There's no other choice, we've gotta kill him.

Jeff: And what good's that? Can't kill his whole gang.

Mona: [to Sam] Do you think you could offer him more interest on the $40,000?

Sam: That won't work. It's our lives he wants not money.

Chung: Are you crazy? Think he'd refuse money?

Jeff: Money? He's got loads. I made him lose face!

Sam: [Sam has a plan to pay off the loan to Hoodlum] Hey I've got an idea, listen up.

Mona: What is it?

Jeff: Rob a bank?

[everyone is silent when Jeff says this]

Jeff: Is that it?

Sam: I think it's a great plan. If we pull it off, we're rich. And we can go anywhere.

Mona: What? Us rob a bank? Sam wake up.

Chung: Why not? It's worth a shot.

Jeff: Yeah, well you guys just keep dreaming. Forget about it. We're in enough shit.

Sam: Waht the hell can we do?

Jeff: Why'd you take the cash? Huh?

[Jeff is so frustrated at the situation, he gets up from the table and leaves]

Jeff: .

Virgin: Check if there's a hole in my underpants?

Jeff: No! I saw a vomiting crab.

Virgin: See anything you like?

Jeff: Yeah, I saw a couple of lice puking.

Virgin: See anything you like?

Jeff: Nothing. Maybe just a few scraggly black hairs.

Philippe Petit: [just before beginning his walk] I lost my costume! It's a tragedy! The biggest page of my like and I lose my costume! It falls off the edge! If have no costume!

Jeff: What?

Philippe Petit: [now in French] It lost my turtleneck, this is not my costume!

Jeff: The gene pool is a little shallow here. Dive in and you'll crack your skull open.

Stephen: How many Heather Donahues does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Jeff: How many?

Stephen: [imitating Heather's loud screaming from the first Blair Witch movie] Just one! Just one of them!

Jeff: We're all virgins on this bus!

Erica: [Erica finds a cache of video cameras at Jeff's house] I thought all your cameras got trashed.

Jeff: Yeah, well, you can never have too many.

Stephen: Uh, Jeff, I think we've had enough videotaping for one weekend.

Erica: Yeah, dude. Tour's over.

Jeff: Well, maybe the tour's just begun, Erica, because you're walking into the official Blair store. Come on in, everybody. This is where it all begins. This is the epicenter of the Blair Witch Hunt website. Uh, let's see now... I got my sticks. You can touch these, they're for the stick men. Don't touch those, those are drying. What else?

Tristen: Jeff, did you collect these all in the Black Hills?

Jeff: Yeah, every single twig. Over here, we've got a rock formation. Oh, my God, who made that? Oh, I did earlier. Over here, we've got Parr ruins foundation dirt. That's a big item. I sell that. T-shirts, and sweatshirts and hats.

[hands Tristen a hat]

Jeff: Here, Tristen, that's for you. Gratis.

Tristen: I feel better.

Stephen: There was a Safeway a while back...

Jeff: That was in Burkittsville. I never shop in Burkittsville. I don't even piss there.

Jeff: Ladies and gentlemen, that there is a naked woman!

Jeff: You know, there's a lot of naysayers who come and say "Nay".

Jeff: If you don't believe in the Blair Witch, then why the hell did you come along?

Kim: I thought the movie was cool.

Hank: Okay, team decision, a big one. That trail is the only path to the back woods. And our Survival Quest course isn't complete until you face the challenges to be found there. And with that bridge cut, there is only one way to get there. We have to climb that mountain.

Joey: Don't we ever do anything on the ground in this course?

Hank: I gotta tell ya, that mountain is not gonna be a cakewalk. I usually save the mountaineering for last but if you want to try, I believe you can make it.

Jeff: I say we do it.

Hal: Me too.

Joey: If I fall of that mountain I'm taking two of you with me.

[Hank wants the students to climb over a 12-foot wall]

Jeff: How the hell do we get the last guy over?

Hank: You don't leave anybody behind. That's the problem.

Lazarus: Beautiful car. I drove car like this for Master.

Jeff: Yeah?

Lazarus: When I was alive.

Jeff: We at Miramount, want to... want to scan you. All of you - your body, your face, your emotion, your laughter, your tears, your climaxing, your happiness, your depressions, your... fears, longings. We want to sample you, we want to preserve you, we want... all this, this... this thing, this thing called..."Robin Wright".

Robin Wright: What will you do with this... thing ? That you call Robin Wright?

Jeff: We'll do all the things that your Robin Wright wouldn't do.

Sonny: Man this Yoohoo is good, you know what else is good, smoking dope. I ain't gonna rat you out. You know, puffing the cheeba, go by the see saw smoke a j. You know what I'm talking about?

Jeff: I have a belly button.

Sonny: You have a belly button, well we all have belly buttons. You know what? We all love Yoohoo, especially Yoohoo with a little rum.

Jared: What's rum?

Sonny: You don't know what Rum is?

Jared: Rumplestilskin?

Sonny: Rumplestilskin's a good man. So are you guys. Hey, stay clean, stay focused, stay strong. Frankenstein, have fun with your friends.

Alex: Dude, your bed is a car...

Jeff: Yeah, but it's a fucking sweet car.

Grace: I once gave Charlie Chaplin a handjob.

Jeff: Wow, was he silent?

Grace: Not after I got through with him.

Jeff: This chick's pussy smelled like the great depression.

Alex: My grandma drank all my pot.

Jeff: That's awesome.

Alex: What?

Jeff: I mean, how many people can say that in a lifetime?

Jeff: I can't believe you came on my mom!

Dante: Does anyone want to try this weed? It's called the Brown Bomber.

Alex: Why is it called that?

Dante: Because when you smoke it you get so stoned that you shit your pants! Hahahaha!

Jeff: Uh, I don't wanna do that.

Barry: Yeah, I already shit my pants this month.

Jeff: Dude, jerking off on my mom is one thing. But banging your grandmother and her roommates? That's like... legendary.

Alex: You're an idiot.

Jeff: [imitating J.P] My name is J.P. I am a robot. I have a robot vagina.

Jeff: So Barry sucked on his first boobie last night.

[people clap]

Barry: [Gleaming with pride] For 13 hours.

DDR Machine: [Jeff has just won a DDR Challenge] A NEW HIGH SCORE!

Jeff: [to Bobby, the defeated co-worker] What does "high score" mean? New high score, is that bad? What does that mean? Did I break it?

Jeff: Crap that's Alex's intercom.

[answers Alex's intercom and impersonates him]

Jeff: Yello?

Receptionist: Delivery at the front desk for you, Alex.

Jeff: Cool! I hope it's a naked dude with a boner!

Receptionist: What?

Jeff: Nothing.

Jeff: Do you have bathrooms here, or do I have to shit in a plant?

Shiloh: BAHAHAHA! Stupid FUCKING idiot! Red-shirted ASS! You guys think you're so fucking cool, it makes me sick! "Oh, let's go make fun of the vegans, and their crazy lifestyle!" We're not hurting anyone! Go eat a hamburger and choke on a cow dick!

Jeff: Yeah, my roomates were talking about getting me a CB so I could talk to other car beds.

Alex: You remember Lara?

Jeff: Yes I do, and she already has a cold sore. What a surprise.

Samantha: Alex, I need you to deal with 10 through 15 because those are the real problem levels and...

Alex: [farts]

Samantha: Is he sleeping?

Jeff: Yes, and possibly shitting his pants.

[pats Alex]

Jeff: Wake up, dude.

Alex: [wakes up] No chores, Grandma!

Samantha: Nice rip, Alex.

Alex: Rip what?

Jeff: Eat that frog dick Timmy!

Dante: [Answering the phone stoned] Hello?

Jeff: Dante is Alex there?

Dante: [hands the phone to Alex] The phone's for you. I think it's the Devil.

Jeff: Your shit's weak! Wizzeak!

Jeff: Fruit cup, nice. Way to go mom.

Jeff: Who wants to hear about my STD from the silent film era?

Jeff: Come in. Hurry up.

Alex: Are you sure this is OK?

Jeff: Yeah, it's totally cool. Just keep your voice down - my roommates are sleeping.

Alex: You mean your parents?

Jeff: Yeah, same thing.

Alex: ...Nice jammies.

Jeff: Thanks! They're a present from my roommates.

Alex: That's cool.

Jeff: You're the reason Alex has been tired all week?

Grace: Well, we have been sort of rough on him. But, he is kind of soft if you know what I mean.

Grandma Lilly: We're not used to having a man in the house, so I guess we ride him pretty hard.

Barry: Ohh, that is so gnarly.

Jeff: That was a good idea.

Kane: No it wasn't. I'm a piece of shit. I suck.

Jeff: Relax, Kane. You're not a piece of shit.

Jeff: [Referring to J.P. as he walks in the conference room] Hey look, it's Bono's brother!

Jeff: Hey, Alex. Can we go back to your grandma's house? I gotta pee.

Alex: Why don't you just go to the alley and pee?

Jeff: I gotta pee out of my ass.

Alex: Well I guess we could go by.

Jeff: Emergency!

Jeff: [stuffing food in his mouth] I'm the cookie monster.

Jeff: Does someone have a light? I found this weed.

Samantha: Oh, I do.

Jeff: [staring at the joint] I wanna smoke it.

Jeff: Do you have bathrooms here or do I have to shit in a plant?

Jeff: Grace... I have something to confess.

Grace: What's that?

Jeff: [pauses] You were my first.

Grace: Really? Oh, that's sweet. You were my...

[thinks hard]

Grace: 3,000-something.

Jeff: [Raises hand to give a high five] Word up.

Jeff: Dude, jerking off on my mom is one thing. But sleeping with your Grandma and her two roommates... that's LEGENDARY.

Jeff: What's up Douche Bigalow?

Alex: Hey Speed Racer. What'd you do, valet your bed?

Jeff: No, but I'll self park it in your asshole.

Jeff: Hi I'm Jeff... I have a bush too. It's not grey.

Alex: Hey!

Jeff: What?

Alex: My bush isn't really grey.

Jeff: Well, not according to my mom.

Alex: [under his breath] I thought I told you to quit talking about that.

Jeff: [frustrated] People keep asking me about it.

Bobby, Co-Worker #1: Challenge.

Jeff: Not now Bobby, Alex's not taking challenges right now. Can't you see he's sleeping?

Bobby, Co-Worker #1: No, I challenge you Jeff.

Jeff: To what game?

Bobby, Co-Worker #1: A little Dance Dance Revolution.

Jeff: That's great Bobby, but we don't have Dance Dance Revolution so... you're dumb.

Jeff: [looks down] I should have worn a condom.

Jeff: Nice karma, Guyblow.

Jeff: What's up, shitlips.

Alex: Hey, I need a huge favor.

Jeff: You're not jerking off on my dad.

Alex: Funny. No, I was wondering if you could do some of my levels.

Jeff: No, why can't you do them?

Alex: It's my roommates. They won't stop watching... porn. I can't get any work done.

Jeff: You're dead to me. Over.

[hangs up phone]

Alex: Well, Jeff's a good friend.

Grace: So how much time do we have?

Jeff: Oh, at least enough time to 69.

Jeff: I don't want any of us getting sick, but you two fuckin' fuckers insist on touching her, now she's bleeding all over both you guys! So you two can fuckin rot, but not me, no fuckin way not me!

[Jeff runs off carrying beer]

[Jeff walks around the cabin after everyone dies]

Jeff: [yelling] I made it! I made it! I knew I'd make it! I fucking made it!

[Group is sitting around a campfire, telling stories]

Jeff: Tell them about The Happy Bald Guy.

Karen: No, I can't take it

Paul: He was the guy that gave us our shoes and quarters for the video games. There was a room with a pool table too, but my dad wouldn't let us go back there. The bald guy was always happy, always smiling. But the killer got him too. When the cops searched the place, they found all the hacked off limbs at the end of the bowling lanes. The guy had bowled people's organs. Arms, legs, everything. They found the bald guy's head in the ball return. He was still smiling.

Jeff: Hey, dipshit, what the fuck?

Bert: What are you, fuckin' Smokey the Clown now?

Jeff: Don't you mean 'Smokey the Bear?'

Paul: Who's up for a dip?

[realizing he's just barged in on Jeff and Marcy, who are stripping and about to have sex]

Paul: We're... Uh... Yeah! Safe Sex!

Jeff: Hey Paul?

Paul: Yeah?

Jeff: Have fun!

Jeff: That is one *nutty* hospital.

Jeff: You slut.

Jeff: I don't like it when people come up to me after my plays and say, "I really dug your message, man." Or, "I really dug your play, man, I cried." You know. I like it when people come up to me the next day, or a week later, and they say, "I saw your play. What happened?"

Jeff: [Michael's half dressed as Dorothy, getting ready for a dinner with Julie] What do you mean you don't have anything to wear?

Michael Dorsey: She has seen me in all of these!

Jeff: She hasn't seen you in that white dress.

Michael Dorsey: What, this?

[holds up a formal white dress]

Jeff: Yeah.

Michael Dorsey: You cannot wear white to a casual dinner. It's too dressy.

Jeff: Can't you wear pants?

Michael Dorsey: Pants?

[pats the fake butt he's wearing then wags his finger No]

Jeff: What about this thing?

[holds up a striped dress]

Michael Dorsey: No. I don't have the right shoes for it, I don't like the way the horizontal lines make me look too hippy, and it cuts me across the bust.

Jeff: [slight pause] I think we're getting into a weird area here.

Jeff: I'm just afraid that you're going to burn in Hell for all this.

Jeff: [waking up and seeing Michael as Dorothy] Mom?

Jeff: Mike, I really appreciate you're doing this, but... it is just for the money, isn't it? It's not just so you can wear these little outfits?

Phil Berquist: [Phil grabs the gun out of the dirt and holds it to Jeff's head at the same time holding a handful of Jeff's hair forcibly, looking to T.R] Put the gun down! Put down the goddamned gun!

Jeff: Mmmm Mmmmm MMMM!

[Jeff looks over to T.R., nervously agreeing with Phil's order]

Mitch Robbins: Phil.

Phil Berquist: I'm not going to let them bully us anymore!

Mitch Robbins: Phil.

Phil Berquist: My father-in-law was a bully!

Mitch Robbins: Phil!

Phil Berquist: I hate bullys! Because bullys don't just bully you,

[Phil gets on his haunches, the gun still pressed to Jeff's forehead]

Phil Berquist: they take away your diginity!

Mitch Robbins: Phil, come on!

Phil Berquist: I hate that! I really, HATE that!

[Phil cocks the gun, and we see a bullet rotating into the chamber]

Jeff: Ahhhhh!

[Jeff squeezes his eyes shut, awaiting the shot]

Jeff: . Sorry!

Phil Berquist: BANG!

[Jeff's head tenses, expecting to be shot, then looks up at Phil in surprise and confusion]

Phil Berquist: All right, you assholes go and sleep it off!

[Phil makes a motion with the gun in hand toward the tent directing Jeff and T.R. to head that way]

Mitch Robbins: [Jeff and T.R. have been intimidating Bonnie, Mitch tries to step in] Bonnie, you want to come ropin' with us?

Bonnie Rayburn: Yes, I'd...

Jeff: [Jeff and T.R. step in front of her] No, that's all right, Bonnie's talking with us, friend.

T.R.: She's fine right here.

Mitch Robbins: [as Phil and Ed approach] Listen, guys, what are you doing, huh? This isn't exactly nineties behavior, I've gotta be honest with ya.

Jeff: ...You stepped on my foot.

Ed Furillo: He did not, you horse's ass.

Jeff: You want a piece of this?

Ed Furillo: Any time, Zeke.

Jeff: How about right now, 'Stubby'?

Ed Furillo: Fine!

Curly: [makes his introduction, by roping Jeff from horseback and choking him to the fence. He enters the corral and addresses Bonnie] This man owes you an apology.

Mitch Robbins: I'm sorry, I didn't mean anything by it.

Curly: Not you... him.

[motioning to Jeff]

Jeff: [refusing] Uh-uh. No.

[Curly pulls a huge knife and throws it at Jeff, landing within an inch of his crotch]

Jeff: Ahhhh!

[to Bonnie]

Jeff: I'm sorry, ma'am, that'll never happen again!

Mitch Robbins: Yeah, see that it doesn't!

[Curly glares at him]

Mitch Robbins: I'm sorry, I thought that we were... on the same... you're doin' fine!

Curly: [walks up to Jeff and retrieves his knife] You guys were drinkin'... don't let it happen again.

[Jeff agrees violently. Curly uses his knife to raise his hat to Bonnie]

Curly: Ma'am...

[and departs. The two cowboys make a hasty exit in the opposite direction]

Mitch Robbins: Did you see that guy? That is the toughest man I've ever seen in my life!

[to Bonnie]

Mitch Robbins: Did you see how leathery he was? He was like a saddlebag with eyes!

Bonnie Rayburn: Listen, it took a lot of courage to do what you did. Thank you.

Mitch Robbins: [They begin to smile and eye each other, then Mitch comes to his senses] I'm married.

Zarnoff: [introducing the Zoltan cult] My name is Zarnoff. This is Zabu, Zellnor, Zelbor, Zelmina, and, uh, Jeff.

Jeff: Hey.

Darius: What makes you think he won't slam the door in my face, too?

Jeff: Because you gotta be sincere and charming. Okay? He's used to assholes like me coming and making fun.

Arnau: Uh, also, probably none of the other people were beautiful girls.

Jeff: [with a sideways look] Easy, Arnau.

Arnau: What?

Jeff: He's right. Use that too. There's something off about this guy, okay? So you gotta go slow, like you're trapping a skittish animal. Now, lure him. Play coy. Girls know how to do that shit.

Darius: You're dangling my vagina out there like bait. What if this guy's a murderer? What if he cuts me up into little pieces and eats me?

Jeff: Then the story's even better.

Jeff: You never done coke or anything, when you're studying for an exam?

Arnau: Cocaine? Are you crazy?

Jeff: What is it you study?

Arnau: Biological and life sciences.

Jeff: Makes sense. So what are you doing, interning at a magazine?

Arnau: Diversity looks good on an application for grad school.

Jeff: You know what, we gotta get you laid on this vacation. That's what's gotta happen.

Darius: Vacation?

Jeff: I mean, work trip. Whatever.

Jeff: It's all one long school year now. No start, no finish.

Jeff: Can I get a couple of interns? Help me with some research?

Darius: I'll do it.

Arnau: Me, too, please. Me.

Jeff: All right, give me the lesbian and the Indian and I got a story!

Darius: [referring to Kenneth] What makes you think there's something wrong with him?

Jeff: Because he thinks he can go back in time.

Darius: Was there something wrong with Einstein or David Bowie?

Jeff: [after Kenneth steals some lasers] Fuckin' lasers?

Arnau: What kind of lasers?

Darius: I don't know, I'm not a freakin' storm trooper.

Jeff: [tailing the bad guys] This is fucking intense!

Darius: We're going 15 miles per hour.

[Darius joins Jeff and Arnau in the motel lounge bar, where Jeff has shown Arnau how to Facebook friend an old girlfriend of Jeff's]

Jeff: Here she is. Look at you, you went all rogue. What did you get?

Darius: Got his name, where he works.

Jeff: Great.

Darius: What did you guys get?

[Jeff points to the Facebook page]

Jeff: She accepted, but, uh, no photos, so I'm not really sure.

Darius: What?

Arnau: He came here to hook up with an old high school girlfriend.

Darius: [scornful] Seriously? That's what you've been doing?

Jeff: Well, I've been doing other stuff, too, but.

[Jeff takes a sheet of photos out of his pocket, with bravado]

Jeff: Maybe this will change your attitude a little bit. That's her. When she was 18, and I used to see her naked.

Darius: So?

Jeff: So I'm coming back to try to see her naked again.

Darius: I'd be weirded out if some guy tried to track me down after 20 years.

Jeff: I'd be weirded out, too, if some guy tried to track you down.

Darius: Why?

Jeff: Who would do that?

[Jeff approaches Kenneth's house. He clearly has not done enough research, and acts like a smiling, bobbing idiot]

Jeff: Kenneth Calloway, right? Is that right? My name is Jeff.

[He extends a hand to shake, which Kenneth ignores. Jeff is grinning too much]

Jeff: Look, I saw your ad in the, uh, Classifieds. I want to know if you need a partner.

Kenneth: What's your mission?

Jeff: What do you mean, what's my mission?

Kenneth: What's your reason for going back?

[Jeff has changed from smiling maniacally to frowning]

Jeff: Oh, well, who wouldn't want to go back? It's an amazing opportunity. To go back in time, you know? See gladiators, and watch dinosaurs with my own eyes. Have sex with a pilgrim? That's all I wanted. I want to go back. It's neat. Who wouldn't want to go back, Kenneth? YOU want to go back. Why do YOU want to go back? Well, do you need a partner?

Kenneth: Can you look fear and danger in the eye?

Jeff: That's an odd question.

Kenneth: Have you ever stared fear and danger in the eye and said YES.

Jeff: Sure.

Kenneth: Get off my porch.

Jeff: Let's start over. Come on, we can be pals. Let's go back in time.

Kenneth: Man, that smile. What is that smile? You don't know pain, you don't know regret, you don't know...

Jeff: [agreeing with everything and leaving with his arms raised] Okay. Well, look, it was really nice to meet you.

Kenneth: [grimly] That's what I thought.

[Jeff joins Darius and Arnau in the car after a badly-managed interview with Kenneth]

Jeff: Huhh!

Darius: So what'd he say?

Jeff: Well, he's the real deal. That ad is no prank. He's not, like, retarded, but there's something wrong with this guy. Definitely didn't like my ass, I'll tell you that.

Arnau: So, so what; that's it?

Jeff: Oh, no. This just got good.

Darius: [Asks Jeff and Arnau to get out of the car with a bunch of POC around. Jeff doesn't agree] Are you guys racist?

Jeff: It's complicated.

Jeff: So here's what I'm thinking. We're budgeted for two rooms, but if we share a room, we could use that extra money for some other shit.

Darius: For what? Drugs?

Jeff: [about old flame] I don't know, she's was big and, like...

Darius: Hmm, like your age? Yeah, gross.

Jeff: He got in a fight with the table, and the table won.

Katherine: [meeting Jeff] You don't look like a lawyer...

Jeff: You don't look like a Grandma.

Katherine: You ARE a lawyer! Full of shit.

Jeff: [to Sarah in the elevator, after she has apologized] If we have a daughter, Beau Burroughs doesn't come within a thousend miles of her.

Sarah: It stops with me!

Jeff: You know, I never told you this, but they based a movie on my family. Seriously. Titanic. They changed it a little. There's not boat, nothing sank. But I did pose naked for a portrait once.

Katharine: [in the bathroom, after the door hits him Jeff in the face] Jeff...

Jeff: Yeah?

Katharine: Go play with your dick.

Sarah: Am I over-thinking this?

Jeff: You're not under-thinking it.

Jeff: So you're gonna just walk up to him and ask him point-blank?

Sarah: Well, I guess I could walk in and yell "Hey, Dad", and see if he turns around.

Sarah: I said knock three times!

Jeff: Do you want me to go back out and do it again?

Alex Whitman: You gamble either way. And you are just pissed that I won on the first pull instead of putting quarters into the wrong machine for the last five years.

Jeff: Wait! First of all, those were silver dollars, my friend. And that slot machine now owns my house.

Jeff: I mean, this makes no sense at all. Why would you marry her... unless you knocked her up?

Alex Whitman: [pauses]

Jeff: You knocked her up?

Alex Whitman: Yes, but that had nothing to do with it!

Donna, Construction Secretary: Hey Alex, there's a woman on line 1. She says she's your wife.

Jeff: Hey Donna, the only wife around here is my ex and I am not in.

Alex Whitman: Ask if I can call her back. Oh, and get her phone number.

Jeff: [about the overwhelming heat in Las Vegas] Jesus, why didn't they just build this place on the surface of the fucking sun?

[about a motorcycle]

Janey: Is it safe?

Drew: It's the safest thing you'll ever have between your legs.

Janey: What?

Drew, Jeff: Nothing!

Jeff: So I tried to call you yesterday... to see if you wanted to reherse, I mean.

Janey: Oh, ummm... well my dad made us all go to the airshow.

Jeff: Was it fun?

Janey: 200 people standing around like this

[looks up at the sky and sarcastically says]

Janey: It was a blast!

Janey: I can't believe that in two weeks I'm going to be dancing on DTV!

[calms down from the excitement]

Janey: I bet I'd get hit by a car!

Jeff: What?

Janey: No, things are going to well. I mean besides DTV, I have a best friend, and I mean, I'd never dreamed in a million years that I would have a boyfriend!

Maggie: Sorry, I needed the phone.

Jeff: Why, the cabbage patch mothers are having a PTA meeting?

[Jeff is pushing Drew's old, corroded, smoking, brown Mercedes until the engine will start up]

Drew: You don't understand that this car makes a statement.

Jeff: Yeah, it says, 'Hi, I'm garbage.'

Jeff: So where were you last night? I waited out there for an hour and a half!

Janey: Well I tried to tell you that I couldn't go, but you hung up to fast.

Natalie: [sitting on Jeff's motorcycle] I'm holding this for ransom.

[Jeff gives her a look]

Natalie: Awww, did you and Shirley Temple have a bad rehearsal?

Jeff: Yeah, it wasn't one of the best five afternoons of my life. I'm not really in the mood to shoot the breeze so if you don't mind...

Natalie: *Fine*.

Jeff: So how was work, Pop?

Mr. Malene: Oh uh,

[chuckles]

Mr. Malene: positively stimulating as usual.

Jeff: You know what? I have a asshole for a brother and it breaks my heart.

Jeff: This morning I was meant to have a business meeting with the Kevins and destiny, and now you're here at this, this weird hooters thing. And so now, I'm just trying to figure out how to proceed.

Pat: What you just said sounded like Yoda took acid and stumbled into a business meeting.

Jeff: You can make all the fun of Yoda that you want. Yoda would be fucking killer in a business meeting.

[first lines]

Jeff: I watched "Signs" again last night.

Sharon: Jeff, what do you do in the basement? You're not cleaning it.

Jeff: You really want to know? You didn't like it last time we had this conversation.

Sharon: Okay no, you're right, I don't.

Jeff: Why can't you just tell her the truth?

Pat: Are you kidding? Do you know anything about adult relationships?

Rudy: C'mon Jeff! You've seen how bad business is. Thanks to Fuchs, our name is mud! Look... we had nuns, protesting out front when I got here this morning.

Jeff: Nuns?

Rudy: Yeah. I had to have Jim turn the firehose on them.

Big Jim: [holds up the still wet firehose] And I knocked them motherfuckers right on they asses, too.

FBI Inspector: You want to give me that again?

Jeff: Uh, well, yes. As I say, Inspector, I heard this large explosion and I rushed out, I couldn't tell what was going on. I saw the car over there in flames and all these strange little characters, you know, with towels on their heads, weird little goatees and stuff, running around yelling: "Ayatollah, Ayatollah." Then they all got in a car and drove away. I guess it was Iranian students out to discredit the American way of life. I can't imagine who else would do such a thing.

Rudy: So. Roy L... What can I do you for?

Roy L. Fuchs: Uhhh... I'd like to talk to my brother.

Rudy: Well, you're gonna have to talk kinda loud. He left for Miami late last night.

Roy L. Fuchs: Miami?

Rudy: Yeah. Miami Beach.

Roy L. Fuchs: Miami Beach?

Jeff: Florida.

Roy L. Fuchs: I know where the fuck Miami Beach is, dummy.

[President Carter on TV]

President Carter: -high inflation. What is the solution?

[TV cuts to commercial for Luke's yard taking place in Roy's yard]

Jeff: You want the solution to inflation? Hi, friends. Marshall Lucky here for New Deal Used Cars, where we're lowering inflation not only by fighting high prices, not only by murdering high prices, but by blowing the living shit out of high prices. Yessir. Here's an example. It's a 1972 Cadillac Coupe DeVille, for sixty-two ninety-nine. That price is too high.

[shoots car]

Jeff: Yessir. Here's another one. It's a Lincoln Continental, Mark IV, 1973. It's loaded. It's got air conditioning. It's got a stereo. It's got white-wall radial tires. It's got power steering, power brakes, power seats, power windows. And a price that is just too high.

[shoots car]

Jeff: Yessir.

[Jim appears on car behind him in costume]

Jim: YAAAAAAHHHH.

Freddie: [on microphone] Look out, Marshall Lucky. It's High Prices.

Jeff: Take this, you dirty ol' High Prices.

["shoots" Jim, who puts on a very convincing act]

Jim: AHHHH. Ya got me Marshall. Ahhhhh...

Jeff: [shocked] Jesus Christ.

[winks at screen]

Jeff: Yessir, that's New Deal Used Cars... Now wait just a Goddamn minute. What the hell is this? Is this a 1974 Mercedes 450SL for *twenty-four thousand dollars*? That's too fucking high.

[blows up car with dynamite. Roy watches at home]

Roy: You sonova bitch.

Jeff: [laughs] Yessir. We blew the shit out of that over-priced motherfucker just the way we blow the shit out of *all* high prices, down here at New Deal Used Cars. So y'all come on down. Did you hear what I said? New Deal Used Cars. So y'all come on down. Did you hear what I said?

[TV cuts back to President]

President Carter: I have heard you, with unmistakable clarity...

Roy: You sonova bitch.

[kicks TV and electrocutes himself]

Jeff: Rudy, what the fuck is this? Rudy, this is a red car. Holy shit! A red chariot to take my ass straight to hell!

Jeff: Don't let the little head do the thinking for the big head.

[Rudy is planning to break into a presidential broadcast with a commercial]

Jeff: For Christ's sake, we're fuckin' with the President of the United States.

Rudy: He fucks with us, doesn't he?

Rudy: Luke told me that if you came around here to have you arrested for trespassing. Now, are you going to leave, or are we going to have to call the cops?

Jeff: Yeah, do we have to call the cops?

Roy L. Fuchs: What are you, a fucking parrot?

Sam Slaton: Come on, Roy. Let's go.

Roy L. Fuchs: Suck-ass son of a bitch.

Jeff: [Talking about the explanation for Luke's sudden disappearance] No-one's going to believe he went to Miami, nobody goes to Miami!

Rudy: OLD people go to Miami, he's old isn't he? Where do you want him to go, Aspen?

Jeff: [looking at the '59 Edsel] Aspen? Fuck Aspen, this crate won't go around the block...

Jim the Mechanic: The fuck it won't! This motherfucker runs!

Jeff: Yoo-hoo, it's Steve Pasternack, looking for Angela! Angela, please!

Reanna: Do I fucking know you?

Jeff: Uh, I lent Angela my notebook, because I take such world "famous" notes. So I was wondering if I could... are you busy with something?

Reanna: Yeah. I was masturbating.

Jeff: Heh. Hoo! Masturbating. In the dorms. Well, that's what you get when you go to art school.

Jeff: We have been getting screwed by the system. The system that forces us guys to like girls. All right? We're getting pushed into this. What if we just take the girls out of it? We can have our own system, it's a counter-system. And then, you do things together, you swim, you row, you... boat, you eat, you stink. We can just be guys! You can have sex, you can do it, you know, many guys at a time, but it's not gay.

Singing Waiter: When I say happy, you say birthday! Happy!

Dave, Jeff, Sam: Birthday!

Dave, Jeff, Sam: Happy!

Dave, Jeff, Sam: Birthday!

Singing Waiter: When I say birthday, you say party! Birthday!

Dave, Jeff, Sam: Party!

Dave: I'm a commercial airline pilot.

Hot Twin #1: Yeah, whatever.

Dave: No, I'm a commercial airline pilot.

Hot Twin #1: Ha, ha.

Dave: I, ladies, am a professional... commercial... airline... pilot.

Hot Twin #1: Cool!

Hot Twin #2: Cool!

Hot Twin #1: Is he a pilot too?

Jeff: FBI. I get the ugly one.

Dave: It was my fate to meet her.

Jeff: But it wasn't your fate to be with her. Unfortunately, my friend, fate has a different plan for you. You will grow up, go out into the world. You'll forget all about the things that happened here. Ethan, Angela... the shit we pulled. Those hookers that we thought were girls. And you're going to go out there and no-one - no-one can shoot you down because a woman one time stepped on your heart and left a scar in its wake. That is your fate, Dave. Just as it is my fate to some day become shogun.

Jeff: One... two... three... four hard nipples

[the doorbell rings]

Jeff: Who is it?

Russ Thorn: [distorted voice through the closed front door] Pizza. Delivery.

Jeff: What's the damage?

Russ Thorn: Six... so far.

[talking about the slumber party]

Linda: I don't know if I can go. My mom's on my case about my grades.

Jeff: Mine too, but I'll be there!

Jeff: [to Neil] You know how girls love to scream.

Jeff: [watching Kim change] I don't think I've been giving Kim the attention she deserves.

[Jeff and Neil are watching the girls change through a window]

Jeff: What'd we do to deserve this?

Neil: We died and went to heaven.

Jeff: Can't you take a joke?

Diane: Can't you get out of the third grade?

Dorothy: [upon being served a plate of chicken] What's that? What did you do?

Jeff: Mum, please.

Dorothy: Where's the rest of her? Who did this?

Jeff: Nobody did anything.

Dorothy: Did you kill her?

Jeff: Mum, I didn't kill it.

Dorothy: It? She had a mother and a father, Jeff.

Jeff: It's free range.

Dorothy: What does that mean?

Jeff: It means it was free range. It was a happy chicken running around a massive field with other happy chickens. It had a good life.

Dorothy: Why do you keep saying "it"? I haven't seen any fields with birds wandering around. Where are they, Jeff? Where?

Jeff: Mum, I'm really hungry.

Dorothy: Well, have a cracker!

Muerte: My name... is MUERTE!

Jeff: Nice to meet you Morty, my name is Jeff.

Jeff: [while threatening to kill himself] I know you all think I killed my parents.

Chief Wyatt Rash: We don't think you killed anybody!

Jeff: Yeah? Well, you're full of shit! Everyone know I've been wanting to get back at her ever since that night...

[a flashback shows Mona cleaving a sausage]

Jeff: Hey, Ma, there's no more beer. Give me some of yours.

Mona Dearly: Don't touch that beer, Jeff.

Jeff: [reaches out] Oh, give it to me.

Mona Dearly: I SAID...

[cleaves his hand clean off]

Jeff: [screams in pain] FUCK!

[back to present, everyone goes disgusted in shock]

Jeff: Was I so wrong?

Feege: You bet your ass.

Jeff: Yeah, but, I didn't kill her. Look, don't get me wrong: I'm glad she's dead and all, but I sure as hell didn't do it.

Chief Wyatt Rash: Jeff, I know you didn't kill her.

Jeff: I didn't kill my dad neither.

Chief Wyatt Rash: Then why don't you give me the gun.

Jeff: [puts the gun to head] BECAUSE MY LIFE SUCKS, MAN!

Bobby Kalzone: Dude, she's like 13.

Jeff: Finally!

Bruce Campbell: Jeff, I just have one request.

Jeff: Anything Bruce.

Bruce Campbell: Next time you unleash an ancient demon, call that Buffy chick.

Clayton: I kinda liked Bubba Ho-Tep.

Jeff: *Everyone* liked Bubba Ho-Tep.

Bruce Campbell: You want a disaster? Anyone here seen Assault on Dome 4?

Jeff: That's probably my favorite movie of...

Bruce Campbell: Don't answer that.

Bruce Campbell: Where in the heck did you find this Evil Dead shampoo?

Jeff: Bruce, that's drain cleaner.

Bruce Campbell: Well, I guess that would explain the burning sensation.

Jeff: Sure you're ready for this, Bruce?

Bruce Campbell: Kid, I made a movie in Bulgaria. I'm ready for anything.

Jeff: [acting like a drag queen] Stripes! Mary holy Martha Stewart's prison collection! I've got three words for you Miss Thing, no, no, no, and four words, yesterday!

Jeff: You can't be an unfuckable asshole, you have to be discreet. You have to... you have to say things to women that appear nice, at first...

Stan: Very discreet.

Jeff: Right, they appear nice, but really they're kind of mean.

Mr. Bullhorn: Mr. Bullhorn: Attention, attention! This is Mr. Bullhorn! Don't miss the Bootlegger Hot Bod Contest! The bigger the boobs, the bigger the bucks!

Scott Nash: [looking at Carole's chest and smiling] Hello...

Carole Singer: Oh, forget it!

Jennie Cooper: Come on, Carole!

Scott Nash: [to Jeff] Jeff! You're in the Hot Bod contest with Carole. I want you firm, and I want you pumped.

Jeff: Right, buddy.

Carole Singer: C'mon, why does it have to be me? This is really embarrassing!

Jennie Cooper: [encouragingly] No, it isn't, it would be so much fun, and besides, you've had years of dance lessons.

Carole Singer: [looking disgusted] Jennie, that was ballet. I don't think the Hot Bod is looking for a new Giselle.

Jeff: What I'm saying is that as your manager I'm advising you to fire your manager.

Jeff: Hey, ya know, I know how you're feeling though. You're getting old. Hmm? I'm getting old. Rock and roll is getting old. Have you considered, uh... Japanese hip hop?

Jeff: I peed in my pants!

Jeff: You mean this whole thing was a gag?

Alan: No, these are couple of real ghouls! They've just had a change of heart!

Emerson: Yeah, we're trying to go straight!

Jeff: How do you get a concussion when you don't got any fucking brains?

[mis-reading the message painted on the back of the getaway van]

Jeff: It's get Kirsty in?

Jerry Ferro: I don't know. I've seen some of those guys. They're pretty ripped.

Jeff: Come on, you think I'm gonna lose to a guy who enters the ring to Barbara Streisand?

Jerry Ferro: Uhh, I think you'd lose to Barbara Streisand.

Jeff: I'm stealing the room!

Male Promo Voice: These cats ... don't have ... nine lives!

Jeff: I put you in charge of my death and you fucked it up.

Jeff: I've got nothing to live for, but I don't wanna die.

[last lines]

Jeff: Shit!

Jeff: How about keeping just one eye on the road.

Sam: Oh, come on.

Jeff: Not for me. For your daughter.

Beatrice: Yeah mom, for me.

Jeff: I think Beatrice should live long enough to see a white president.

Beatrice: What's wrong mommy?

Sam: Nothing, my baby. Just everything.

Jeff: So, public school it is!

Sam: No!

Jeff: So, back home it is!

Sam: No!

Jeff: So, homeschooling it is. And what a majestic home to do it in, don't you think, B? Which wing should we house the English Department in?

Jeff: You left my daughter!

Clark: She was safer after I left, dude. Consuela's from Venezuela. She probably has like 8 kids.

Jeff: [performing poetry by reading text messages] I'm right outside the door right now. Will you let me in? No, I'm serious. Some big Hispanic dude is out here asking me for money. Please come out here.

[first lines]

Jeff: Yo, B.

Beatrice: I'm up.

Jeff: Check it! "You are now leaving Delaware". Get ready to say goodbye to Delaware everybody. Here it comes... , Bye Delaware!

Beatrice: Bye Delaware! Bye Delaware! I'll see ya later.

Sue Lemon: Let's start with, what do you do?

Jeff: Uh, it's really not very interesting.

Sue Lemon: Well that's alright, I'll spice it up.

Jeff: I pre-encode LAR files for S&G List Serve.

Sue Lemon: I think I just took a nap in the middle of what you just said.

Jeff: [looking at Evie's wall photographs] You knew Mary Tyler Moore?

Evie: Very well. Funny story... she has diabetes.

Alonzo: [after killing Roger and shooting Jeff] It's not what you know, it's what you can prove. Mark and Paul, you kicked the door down. Jeff's the first one through. Roger hits Jeff twice.

[to Jeff]

Alonzo: What's the matter, one go through?

Tim: Yeah, you shot him.

Jeff: You fucking shot me, man!

Alonzo: Don't worry about it. You'll get a medal.

Jeff: Get me an ambulance!

Alonzo: Hey, hey, hey. You wanna go to jail or you wanna go home? Let me quarterback this thing. Mark, Paul, you kicked the door down. Jeff's the first one through. Roger shoots Jeff twice, bang bang. Our new guy, Hoyt, he's in second. Drops Roger with some fine shotgun work. Now who shot Roger?

Mark: New guy, came in spraying.

Alonzo: Who shot Roger?

Paul: Boot did it.

Alonzo: What did you guys see?

Tim: Hoyt blasted him.

Jeff: Hey, fuck Hoyt, all right? Ambulance time!

Alonzo: Done. Paul, call 'em up.

Paul: 11-49-98 Shots fired. Officer down. Repeat. Officer down. 5951 Baxter Street.

Seth Davis: [in Seth's room] What's going on? One week I can understand but this approaching five weeks now and the profits are still down forty percent since the last week I was here full time

Jeff: I'm not you Seth, I'm going to fucking kill myself for half the fucking profits, you just get come here to pick up your fucking money and it sucks

Seth Davis: This is my business, you used to make ten dollars an hour, now you're making a thousand a week and you're still not fucking happy? What the fuck is going on Jeff?

Jeff: Nothing, you can check the tapes

Seth Davis: Are you skimming?

Jeff: I can't handle a twenty four gig all by myself, this isn't fucking Denny's, and I'm still trying to finish school here

Seth Davis: Alright, so why don't you take another partner? And you split your share with him, which I'll up to sixty five percent, then you can go to school during the day and work at night

Jeff: I'm already doing that

Seth Davis: You are? And you still can't fucking handle it?

Jeff: You can't see, can you?

Selma: What is there to see?

Jeff: [referring to Gene] Why did you have him? You knew he would have the same disease as you.

Selma: I just wanted to hold a little baby.

Jeff: I don't understand. In musicals, why do they start to sing and dance all of a sudden? I mean, I don't suddenly start... to sing and dance.

Harold: What the hell was Colin doing with a Lime'ouse minicab driver in Belfast?

Jeff: Colin can't drive.

Harold: Oh, that makes sense. Second question: Belfast? What was he doing there? I know Colin fancies soldiers, but that's taking his buggery a bit far, isn't it?

Victoria: I hate lifts. It gets very claustrophobic in here with a lot of people.

Jeff: Depends on the people.

Harold: Don't you ever worry about your liver?

Jeff: Nah, we're just good friends.

Harold: Alan found him dying. He'd been nailed to the floor.

Jeff: When was this, then?

Harold: Well, it must've been just after you saw him and just before Alan saw him. Otherwise, you'd have noticed, wouldn't you? I mean, a geezer nailed to the floor. A man of your education would definitely have spotted that, wouldn't he?

[in the lift on the way to Harold and Victoria's penthouse]

Jeff: I wanna lick every inch of you...

[the lift stops, the bell pings]

Victoria: Saved by the bell. Goodnight.

Harold: I'm going to annihilate them!

Jeff: You can't wipe them out.

Harold: You just watch me!

Jeff: Kill 10, 20. Bring out the tanks and the flamethrowers! They pour back, like an army of ants! Work with them.

Jeff: Jesus Christ, British army's been dying up there with shit flying at them from all angles for the last 10 years, and you're not impressed? They can take over here any time they want!

Harold: Shut up, just shut up!

Jeff: You won't stop them. To them you're nothing, nothing! The shit on their shoes.

Harold: So he took a dip?

Jeff: Yeah, he stupidly helped himself.

Harold: How much?

Jeff: Five grand.

Harold: Do what? You mean all this anarchy is for five poxy grand?

Harold: Blown up! He's dead! Eric is dead - car bomb. Mother's all right, suffering from shock in a hospital.

Jeff: I don't understand.

Harold: You need a million-dollar computer to understand this!

Jeff: Hey, Rusty, Little Rubber Ball is back. I told you he liked the way we bounced him around.

Jeff: Wait a minute, you mean I don't get to smack Baby?

Jeff: That's between me and Shad and the lamppost. And you ain't no lamppost!

Jeff: Excuse us, gents. We gotta go up and play handball. Me and Cuddles.

Jeff: Well, if it ain't Sock-me-again Beaumont!

George: Want another barbequed sandwich?

Jeff: I can hear the warden ask if I have any last words before they turn on the heat and you ask if I want another barbequed sandwich?

Jeff: You gamble?

Nomi Malone: No.

Jeff: Well you gotta gamble if you're gonna win.

Nomi Malone: I'm gonna win.

[last lines]

Jeff: Oh, fuck! It's you!

[Nomi pulls out her switchblade]

Nomi Malone: I want my fucking suitcase... asshole!

[first lines]

Jeff: Hop in, pard!

Nomi Malone: Where are you going?

Jeff: Vegas! Come on! This is your lucky day!

[Kris is rummaging through an enormous shoulder-bag and not meeting Jeff's eyes]

Kris: Why do you take the train?

Jeff: Why do I take the train?

Kris: Yeah, it's just, everyone who takes the train is either homeless or they had their license revoked or, you know.

Jeff: Do you want to see my driver's license?

Kris: No.

[On the train, during their second encounter]

Jeff: I called you. I can't do this every day, this makes me late for work. There are four trains after me. So you're going to have to answer if I call.

[She ignores him]

Jeff: I'm gonna call. Again.

[Cut to Jeff and Kris meeting in a café]

Jeff: Nothing ever changes, man. Fifty years from now we're all gonna be dead. And there will be another group of people standing here drinking beer, eating pizza, bitching about the price of Oreos and they'll have no idea we were ever here and fifty years after those suckers will be dust and bones and there'll be all these generations of suckers, all trying to figure out what the fuck they're doing on this fucking planet and it'll all be full of shit. It's all so fucking futile.

Tim: If it's all so fucking futile, what the fuck are you so fucking upset about, fuckhead?

Jeff: Idealism is guilty middle-class bullshit.

Jeff: What are you saying?

Sooze: I don't know. And I don't care that I don't know.

Jeff: Anything is possible. It is night on planet earth and I'm alive. And someday I'll be dead. Someday I'll just be bones in a box, but right now, I'm not. And anything is possible. And that's why I can go to New York with Sooze because each moment can just be what it is. There's no failure, there's no mistake. I just, I just go there and live there and what happens, happens. And so, right now I'm getting naked and I'm not afraid. You know? I don't, I don't need money, man. I don't, I don't even need, I don't even need a future. I, I could knock out all of my teeth with a hammer. So what? You know, I could poke my eyes out. I'd still be alive, you know? At least I'd know that I was doing something real for two or three seconds, you know? It's all about feat and I'm not afraid anymore, man. Fuck it! Fuck fear!

Sooze: Jeff likes to argue for the sake of arguing.

Jeff: No I don't.

Sooze: Yes you do.

Jeff: No I don't!

Sooze: ...Yes you do.

Jeff: No I - !

Sooze: JEFF!

Jeff: Buff, that slice is the difference between life and death for some half-dead Bangladeshi.

Buff: You know you're getting me all upset here.

Jeff: You should get upset. Everyone should get upset. When Hitler was greasing the Jews people were saying "Don't get me upset, you're bumming me out." It's my duty as a human being to be pissed off.

Jeff: It would suck if you had to go back to rehab.

Bee-Bee: Yeah, it would suck big time. I'd kill myself first.

Jeff: It was pretty bad, huh?

Bee-Bee: It was like hell. With windows.

Jeff: At least I admit that I don't know. I know that things are fucked up, beyond belief, and I have nothing original to say about it...

Jeff: I could go to New York if I wanted to, but what's the point? So I can learn how to order a capuccino? So I can get mugged by some crackhead? So I can see homeless people up close and personal?

Sooze: So what do you want to do?

Jeff: Nothing.

Sooze: No one does nothing, Jeff!

Jeff: Okay, well, then I'm going to break new ground.

Sooze: New ground?!

Jeff: Mm-hmm.

Sooze: Taking one community college course on the history of Nicaragua while barely holding a job packing boxes?

Pony: If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, does it make a sound?

Jeff: Of course it does!

Sooze: You know, that is my worst fear. Making a sound an no one hears it.

Pony: Mine too.

Jeff: W-w-wait a minute, wait a minute.

Pony: You know what I'm saying.

Sooze: Sure! You make art and you want people to see it.

Buff: Wait. What happened to the tree?

Jeff: Burger Manifesto Part One is gonna make people think?

Sooze: Yes, you asshole!

Jeff: About what?

Sooze: About things that are important to me!

Jeff: Like what?

Sooze: Sexual politics, racism, the environment, the military...

Jeff: Racism? You don't even know anyone that's black!

Jeff: It doesn't matter what I do as long as I don't care about the results. And that's why now, I'm getting naked.

Jeff: I don't need a limousine to know who I am. At least I know I don't know.

Buff: If I were in his shoes, every morning I'd get up singing, man. I'd do my workout, take a shower, followed by a hearty breakfast of steak and eggs washed down with a pot of hot coffee and a six-pack of Coors Light. Then I'd order my bodyguard to go find my babe, who would appear decked out in her all black leather Victoria's Secret custom made body suit so I'd, like, have to chew off all her clothes until she was completely nude, except she'd have these amazing dragon tattoos all of her body and pierced nipples with little gold peace signs hangin' from 'em. And then she'd take out this half-ounce of blow and snap out a few Mongol lines and we'd vaporize a few million brains cells, screw for about an hour, then spend the rest of the morning trashed, watching...Gilligan.

Jeff: That sounds so great, man, yes. Hey, what would you do in the afternoon?

Buff: Same--more of the same.

Jeff: Yeah?

Buff: Just keep doin' the same thing all the time, around and around the clock, with an occasional burger or slice thrown in for our vitamins and energy.

[head-bangs street sign]

Buff: Ow, man. And then instead of watching Gilligan we'd watch...Captain Kirk.

Jeff: That sounds so depressing.

Buff: Oh come on, man, tell me you wouldn't love it!

Jeff: No, I'm not saying I wouldn't love it. No, I'm saying that after awhile it'd wear thin.

Buff: Yeah, a long while. A long, long while.

Jeff: Watch out for the tree.

Buff: A long, long, long while.

Jeff: Okay, okay.

Buff: A long, long, long--

Jeff: Okay!

Jeff: [walking along] It's like what Orwell said, we all live in a giant machine. We're nothing but numbers. No one needs to torture me to make be behave, no cage of rats around my head. I have no choice but to behave.

[stops to urinate on a dumpster]

Jeff: And that's what they want - you to give in. So think about the rats and the futility, and you know what I say? Fuck it.

Jeff: Look, they made that sidewalk to look a sidewalk to make this mall look like where people thrive. But it's not real. No one walks on the soul-less paths. No one cares about the dystopian landscaping. This place is like a cardboard cut-out of a mall. We believe in a world generated by computers and corporations. The reality does neither replicate a real human experience.

[pointing at a kiosk]

Jeff: Artificial scented candles.

[a video playing]

Jeff: Hmm, artificial sex appeal.

[a Chinese place]

Jeff: Cultural simulation. Nostalgia. Fabricated memories. Manufactured happiness. Hot cookies, fresh out of the oven. Just like mom never really made them.

Adelle: Those smell good...

Jeff: [observing a mother and child] That kid's gonna wake up one day and realize it's not his wife he hates. It's his mother. But since he married his mother, it'll be too late to do anything about it.

Adelle: Where do you come up with these things?

Jeff: I collect observations.

Adelle: You should write them down, Jeff. Write a book.

Jeff: I will.

Jeff: [narrating as peeping tom is taunted] Life is always frightful. We cannot help it, and we are responsible all the same. One is born and at once one is guilty.

Jeff: [narrating as people flee the mall] Whoever wants music instead of noise, joy instead of pleasure, soul instead of foolery, finds no home in this trivial world of ours. I *do* want more. I am not content with being happy. I was not made for it. It is not my destiny. My destiny is the opposite.

Jeff: [narrating as Mal walks away from the mall] He went on two legs, wore clothes, and was a human being. But nevertheless, he was in reality a wolf of the Steppes. He had learned a good deal, and was a fairly clever fellow. But he had not learned, however, was this: to find contentment in himself and his own life. He knew all the time that he was in reality not a man.

Jeff: [drinking a beer] I used to always come here with my parents, before they got divorced. My dad always ordered the steak, medium rare. My mom always ordered the fish, as if by ordering fish she was some how improving herself. She was always trying to improve herself, never noticing any change.

Jeff: So what are you doing sitting here by yourself.

Donna: People suck out loud, I hate people.

Jeff: Yeah, especially when there's a lot of them.

Donna: I hate them individually, too.

Jeff: Hate's a strong word. I don't want to hate anybody.

Jeff: Human life is nothing but a bad joke, a violent abortion of the primal mother, a hopeless and barbaric catastrophe of nature.

Donna: Dude, snap out of it, you're being antisocial.

Jeff: Why did you shoot them?

Mal: Because they were there.

Jeff: I used to work at the mall. You could have shot me.

Mal: There's a .45 in my bag, and you're gonna get it.

Jeff: Why, so you can kill me?

Mal: No, idiot. So you can kill *me*.

Jeff: [thinking about Mal's request to be shot] You are willing to die, you coward, but not to live.

Jeff: [narrating] I am not the coward in the woods with the gun. He is stuck in his man-wolf dichotomy. I am made up of many more elements than that. I am not stuck, I am unstuck.

[last lines]

Jeff: [narrating] One day I would be dealt a better hand than a king. One day, I would learn how to laugh.

Jeff: [to Paul] Well, we all have dreams. Like the time I dream my wife up and leaves me. I was mighty happy till I woke up and found out she was still there.

Jeff: [He laughs] Then I dreamed it over and over again, and every time that I woke up, there she still was. Got so now I don't pay no attention to no dreams about her. I just groans.

Deputy Winslow: You're gonna have to keep your people away from that place, Holt. It's condemned. Next time I catch anybody over there, I'm gonna have to run 'em in.

Jeff: Uh, he told us that...

Paul: I'll handle this, Jeff.

Deputy Winslow: Might even get a warrant against you.

Paul: Oh, really?

Deputy Winslow: [to Paul] Look, Holt, people say that what you do with these kids is great. You got a good reputation. But if I was you, I'd have located in the next county. You're too close. Things have been quiet for five years and that's the way we want to keep it.

Paul: So do I, officer. So do I.

[to Jeff and Sandra]

Paul: You two, take off. We'll talk at dinner.

Sandra: We'll never do it again, sir.

Jeff: Thanks, Mr. Holt.

Deputy Winslow: You're not even going to reprimand them? No punishment? What kind of place is this?

Paul: Ginny?

Ginny: Yes, Paul?

Paul: No seconds on dessert for Jeff and Sandra tonight.

Sandra: Oh, my God, they're towing us!

Jeff: Oh, shit. Ted, I'll call you back!

[hangs up the phone while he and Sandra try to flag down the truck]

Jeff: Hey! This is my truck! This is my truck! Asshole! This is my truck!

[they chase the truck around the bend and hear laughter which causes them to stop]

Ted: [laughing] Welcome to God's country!

Jeff: I forgive you.

Danica: I didn't do anything to you!

Jeff: That's exactly it, you didn't do anything.

Judge Halden: Jeff, just standing there, you're accomplice to murder. Are you a murderer Jeff?

Jeff: I've been wanting to kill him for two years.

[Timothy Young starts screaming in agony]

Jeff: Yeah. Maybe I am.

Jeff: [while the Judge is screaming for his life] Shut the fuck up...

Tim: What the fuck are you doing?

Jeff: [Presses play on tape recorder]

Jigsaw: Hello, Jeff. If you are listening to this, that means that the confrontation you so long dreamed of... is finally unfolding. In your head, he is a cipher. A symbol of your life changing. A symbol of death. I present him to you now, as a simple human being. His name is Timothy Young. He's 27 years old. A medical student with a mother and a father, just like you. A man who's life also changed the day your son died.

[Flashback]

Jigsaw: That day he made a terrible mistake. You believed he didn't pay for that mistake. And now is your chance to make him pay. The device Timothy is strapped to is... my personal favorite. I call it "The Rack".

Tim: [Screams]

Jigsaw: The human body is a miraculous creation. Ever wonder how far an arm can twist? This device is going to start twisting. There is a chance he might live though, with your help. To your right is a box. At the back of the box, is a key. It is tied to the trigger of a shotgun. The question you'll have to ask yourself, is this. Are you willing...

Tim: Have mercy!

Jigsaw: ...To take a bullet for the man who killed your son? Does "do on to others as you would have them do on to you" apply here, Jeff? Make your choice.

[device begins to twist]

Jigsaw: Hello, Jeff. I made this tape as an insurance policy, if you will. And if you're listening to it, then it's time to collect. I was your final test of forgiveness and if you're listening to this, then you've failed. Now you must pay the price. The price for living for nothing but vengeance. Now I will give you something to live for. I told you that you couldn't kill me, Jeff, but I didn't tell you why. The answer is simple. I am the person responsible for the loss of your child. I am the only person who knows where your daughter is. She only has a limited supply of air, Jeff, and if you want to get her back, you'll have to play a game.

Jeff: No!

Dr. Lynn Denlon: Jeff!

[Lynn's collar detonates]

Jeff: I forgive him!

Jeff: [comes into Corbett's room looking for Dylan's stuffed animal] Where is it?

Corbett: What?

Jeff: [sees her holding it] How many times? How many times do I have to tell you before you get it in your head?

Corbett: I just wanted to sleep with something.

Jeff: No, no you just nothing! You don't touch things in Dylan's room! Okay?

Corbett: I'm sorry, daddy.

Jeff: You know I love you, don't you?

Corbett: [nods] Yes.

Jeff: What do you think mommy would say if she saw us like this?

Jeff: He died in my arms! My 8 year old son died in my arms.

Agent Strahm: Let me see your fucking hands!

Jeff: [screaming] Where is my daughter? You mother...

Amy: We're being quarantined here. We are being kept here to die!

Jeff: This doesn't happen! Four Americans on a vacation don't just disappear!

[from trailer]

Stacy: Why are they doing this?

Jeff: It has something to do with the ruins.

Jeff: How about you? Are you here by yourself?

Mathias: Mm-mm, no, with my brother, but he, uh, left with some girl, ja.

Jeff: Left... here? Mexico, or...

Mathias: Ah, no, no. She's an archaeologist. He went with her to a dig site.

Amy: And what are they digging?

Jeff: Like an excavation?

Mathias: Yeah, some ruins, I think. A Mayan temple.

Jeff: Kind of like the ones that nobody here wanted to go to, the entire time that we've been here.

Mathias: Apparently, it is not even in the guide books. VIP only.

Eric: Yeah, see, Jeff, that's something I would do.

Amy: [after the taxi leaves] Wait, how are we going to get back?

Jeff: [holding business card] Well, we're going to call him when we get out.

Amy: With what? We're not going to get a signal out here.

Mathias: Yeah, my phone should work. It's a world phone.

Eric: [holding his cell phone] Hello, can you hear me now?

Mathias: [after uncovering hidden path] It's here. This must be it.

Amy: That's the path? Why was it covered?

Stacy: I don't think that's the right path.

Jeff: [to Mathias] It's on the map?

Mathias: Yeah.

Jeff: [to Amy] It's on the map.

Amy: Jeff, did you see how old that map was?

Stacy: And it was covered. Why would it be covered?

Jeff: Maybe the archaeologists don't want people finding the site, guys.

Amy: [sarcastically] Well great, they're going to be thrilled to see us then.

Jeff: Eric, get your phone out.

Eric: There's no signal.

Jeff: Really? Because if there was a signal on the road, you should...

Eric: No, I didn't get one.

Amy: What do you mean?

Eric: No, I mean I never said...

Amy: Can you hear me now? What the fuck was that, Eric?

Jeff: [grabbing a water bottle from Stacy] We should save this.

Eric: Hey, she's thirsty.

Jeff: I know, it's just that we don't have that much.

Eric: Well why do you get to decide Jeff?

Jeff: Okay, well we can all decide. But just keep in mind that each of us needs a half a gallon of water every day just to survive. And right now, we don't even have a day's worth.

Jeff: The police, our parents, the Greeks, somebody. Somebody is going to find us. We just have to be alive when they do.

Jeff: He won't last much longer like this. We have to cut 'em off.

Amy: Cut what off?

Jeff: His legs.

Eric: Tell me you're joking.

Jeff: He'll die if we don't.

Eric: Please tell me you're joking.

Jeff: He'll get infected, if he isn't already. Septicemia.

Eric: Well, what the hell is septicemia, Jeff?

Jeff: An infection, usually in the bones when it's exposed to bacteria.

Eric: You're fucking crazy.

Jeff: I'm telling you he won't last through the day like this.

Amy: Without anesthesia?

Jeff: He has no feeling beneath his waist. The tourniquets are already in place. We gotta cut below them.

Amy: With what?

[Jeff pulls out a knife]

Amy: A knife?

Jeff: We have to break the bones first, and then cut.

Eric: We're not cutting his legs off with a fucking hunting knife, Jeff!

Jeff: There's no flesh covering his bones, Eric. He is going to die.

Jeff: Did you find the phone?

Amy: It's not a phone!

Jeff: Amy!

Amy: No! There is no fucking phone!

[from trailer]

Jeff: So what do you guys think: Ancient Mayan temple off the beaten path?

Amy: [while drunk] Jeff used to play the trombone in high school.

Jeff: Thank you for sharing that with everybody!

Jeff: People come from all over the world just to see these ruins, especially one that's not on the map. I'm not taking you to some tourist trap, honey. Don't you want to have some experience or something to shoot other than the beach, the pool, the beach, the pool?

Amy: Well, you're already dressed, so you might as well go without me.

Jeff: Hey, but I don't want to go without you.

Jeff: [seeing the Mayans on the ground] They keep coming. They're setting up camps.

Stacy: Why are they doing this?

Eric: Maybe they're preparing for something, like a sacrifice?

Jeff: It has something to do with the ruins. They won't come up here, and now that we're here they won't let us leave.

Eric: So what do we do? Just wait for someone to find us?

Stacy: Who?

Mathias: The Greeks?

Jeff: Dimitri left them a copy of the map before we left.

Eric: Yeah, what if they decide not to come Jeff?

Jeff: Then somebody else will. We're supposed to check out of the hotel tomorrow; the hotel's going to call the police.

Eric: When?

Jeff: Tomorrow, or the day after.

Amy: Our flight leaves tomorrow, Jeff.

Jeff: I know Amy, but we know what happens if we leave.

Jeff: One of you has to go.

Amy: Go? Go where?

Jeff: Down. We're going to check the rest of the rope and make sure it's secure, and then one of you...

Amy: [interrupting him] Why do we have to go? Why can't you or Eric?

Jeff: Because you're not strong enough. We need to work the crank.

Stacy: [after a long pause] I'll go.

Jeff: What's going on?

Stacy: My boyfriend is fucking your girlfriend, that's what's going on!

Jeff: They don't want us to spread it. That's why they won't let us leave. They're salting the soil to keep it contained. It's old. It has to be really old because the birds, the insects... and now, they've learned not to land here.

Jeff: [to Mayans] You don't even know our names. You don't know any of our names. I'm Jeff. Jeff Dean McIntyre. Winnetka, Illinois. Twenty-two years old. I was going to be a doctor. That was my dream. That's all I wanted. You should know her name, too. Her name is Amy! She's not going to die in this fucking place!

Jeff: What's your point?

Henry: Just have an exit plan, dude. You stick with this job too long, it'll mess you up, man. It gets inside of you - the stress.

Jeff: What's up with Phil and Hank?

Mike: What's up with Phil and Hank?

[pause]

Mike: Hank stole Phil's girlfriend! It's a nightmare! You don't wanna get involved! You especially don't want to get on Phil's bad side, he'll give you all the grunt work.

Henry: [motioning to Jeff's blaring stereo] Mikey didn't tell you about these?

Jeff: What?

Henry: Rule one: Music creates sonic vibrations. Vibrations jiggle spooj dust into the air. It gets into the air, it gets into your lungs. This music you plannin' on listening to?

Jeff: Yeah...

Henry: Yeah, you tryin' to kill us all? Either turn it off or put on something else. Like Yanni, or John Tesh or something.

[leaves]

Jeff: Who's Yanni?

Mike: I need you to go downstairs and check the breaker box.

Jeff: ...I can't do that.

Mike: Why?

Jeff: I got nyctophobia.

Mike: What?

Jeff: Fear of the dark.

Mike: [incredulous] Okay...

[pause]

Mike: I'll go check the breaker box. You... just try not to break anything, okay Mullet-head?

Phil: We'll take the tunnels. They're safer.

Jeff: "Safer"?

Jeff: How's Aunt Wendy doin'?

Gordon: [with tears in his eyes despite his smile] ... She's... she's tired. Kids tire you out sometimes, you know?

Jeff: Hello...? You're in deep trouble, you know that?

Henry: [Slowly and drawn-out] What are you... doing in here?

Jeff: [looking confused] Me? Everyone thinks you're in Miami in that Casino School! My Uncle Gordo and Phil want your head!... Did you score on a scratch?

Henry: ...What are you... doing in here?

[Henry is wearing sunglasses and as he reaches up towards the window, his fingers leave a streak of old blood on the glass]

Jeff: [Jeff's eyes go wide and he looks terrified] ... I... I forgot something, I'll be back!

[He takes off down the stairs to find his co-workers]

Phil: [the sound of someone running around in circles upstairs is heard echoing through the stairwell of the asylum] ... What the hell is that?

Jeff: [horrified] It's HANK!

Jeff: [on the verge of tears] When I saw Hank, I... I think he had BLOOD on his hands...

Phil: [looking slightly concerned] ... Stay here.

Phil: I want everyone to thank uncle Gordon here for ordering lunch.

Jeff: Thanks, Uncle Gordon!

Phil: Why would Hank be here?

Jeff: [panicked] Ask him yourself!

Jeff: I swear he was up here! Why would I make this up?

Jeff: [out of breath] It's Jeff, I'm... I'm by the van.

[stops and eats a few of Gordon's Oreo cookies until he sees a stranger walking towards him]

Jeff: Sorry man, I was freaking out, the lights went out... I got these outta the van, is that okay...?

[screen automatically goes black]

Jeff: [the power generator fails and Jeff is left in the darkness of the tunnels, so he starts to run] oh... oh NO... BWAAAAHHHH! AHHH! NO! NO! Oh no!

Jeff: [with makeshift Ouija] I got a good question! Can it tell us what color panties Lisa's wearing?

Roger: Come on, Jeff... everybody knows that!

Lisa: [sarcastic laugh] Up yours, darling.

Jeff: Alright! Wait, wait. I got it. I got a great question. It's great! Alright, is... anyone in this room... going to be dead before next year...

Susan Baxter: No! No. Don't ask questions like that.

Jeff: Strange isn't a crime.

Jeff: Let's see if you've learnt your lesson!

Amanda: Let's make sure. Tomorrow use the new belt I bought for you!

Jeff: Again with the fucking lions?

Jeff: Baby, I can't make love to you in your car. I respect you too much. How about a blowjob?

[last lines]

Jeff: What the hell happened to your...

Jeff: If there's anything we can do...

Doctor's wife: Can you get his arm back?

Jeff: Don't tell me you're gonna take a coffee break now?

Steve: Nope. A beer break, and not even a beer break.

Jeff: We'll just have to camp here. It won't be the first time someone has done it, won't be the last.

Jeff: You are my goddess.

Libby: [addressing her father] Would you please stop talking to me as if I were Jeff's age?

Jeff: What's wrong with my age?

Jeff: Why would a man leave his apartment three times on a rainy night with a suitcase and come back three times?

Lisa: He likes the way his wife welcomes him home.

Lisa: I wish I were creative.

Jeff: You are. You're great at creating difficult situations.

Stella: How much do we need to bail Lisa from jail?

Jeff: Well, this is first offense burglary, that's about $250. I have $127.

Stella: Lisa's handbag. Uh... 50 cents. I got $20 or so in my purse.

Jeff: And what about the rest?

Stella: When those cops at the station see Lisa, they'll even contribute.

Lisa: What's he doing? Cleaning house?

Jeff: He's washing and scrubbing down the bathroom walls.

Stella: Must've splattered a lot.

[both Jeff and Lisa look at Stella with disgust]

Stella: Come on, that's what were all thinkin'. He killed her in there, now he has to clean up those stains before he leaves.

Lisa: Stella... your choice of words!

Stella: Nobody ever invented a polite word for a killin' yet.

Jeff: When am I going to see you again?

Lisa: [angry] Not for a long time...

[softening]

Lisa: at least not until tomorrow night.

Jeff: [into the phone] He killed a dog last night because the dog was scratching around in the garden. You know why? Because he had something buried in that garden that the dog scented.

Lt. Doyle: [voice] Like an old hambone?

Jeff: I don't know what pet names Thorwald had for his wife.

Stella: Maybe one day she'll find her happiness.

Jeff: Yeah, some man'll lose his.

Jeff: She wants me to marry her.

Stella: That's normal.

Jeff: I don't want to.

Stella: That's abnormal.

Lisa: Today's a very special day.

Jeff: It's just another run-of-the-mill Wednesday. The calendar's full of 'em.

Lisa: What's a logical explanation for a woman taking a trip with no luggage?

Jeff: That she didn't know she was going on a trip and where she was going she wouldn't need any luggage.

Lisa: Exactly.

Jeff's Editor: It's about time you got married, before you turn into a lonesome and bitter old man.

Jeff: Yeah, can't you just see me, rushing home to a hot apartment to listen to the automatic laundry and the electric dishwasher and the garbage disposal and the nagging wife...

Jeff's Editor: Jeff, wives don't nag anymore. They discuss.

Jeff: Oh, is that so, is that so? Well, maybe in the high-rent district they discuss. In my neighborhood they still nag.

Stella: He's gonna run out on her, the coward.

Jeff: Sometimes it's worse to stay than it is to run.

Lisa: How's your leg?

Jeff: Hurts a little.

Lisa: Your stomach?

Jeff: Empty as a football.

Lisa: And your love life?

Jeff: Not too active.

Lisa: Anything else bothering you?

Jeff: Uh-huh, who are you?

Lt. Doyle: You didn't see the killing or the body. How do you know there was a murder?

Jeff: Because everything this fellow's done has been suspicious: trips at night in the rain, knifes, saws, trunks with rope, and now this wife that isn't there anymore.

Lt. Doyle: I admit it does have a mysterious sound. But it could be any number of things for the wife disappearing. Murder is the least part.

Jeff: Now, Doyle, don't tell me that he's just an unemployed magician amusing the neighborhood with his sleight of hand. Don't tell me that.

[first lines]

Voice on radio: Men, are you over 40? When you wake up in the morning, do you feel tired and rundown? Do you have that listless feeling...

[the camera pans around the courtyard; cut to later in the day]

Jeff: [answering phone] Jefferies.

Jeff's Editor: Congratulations, Jeff!

Jeff: For what?

Jeff's Editor: For getting rid of that cast!

Jeff: Who said I was getting rid of it?

Jeff's Editor: This is Wednesday; seven weeks from the day you broke your leg. Yes or no?

Jeff: Gunnison, how did you ever get to be such a big editor with such a small memory?

Jeff's Editor: By thrift, industry, and hard work... and, uh, catching the publisher with his secretary. Did I get the wrong day?

Jeff: No... no, wrong week. *Next* Wednesday I emerge from this plaster cocoon.

Stella: You heard of that market crash in '29? I predicted that.

Jeff: Oh, just how did you do that, Stella?

Stella: Oh, simple. I was nursing a director of General Motors. Kidney ailment, they said. Nerves, I said. And I asked myself, "What's General Motors got to be nervous about?" Overproduction, I says; collapse. When General Motors has to go to the bathroom ten times a day, the whole country's ready to let go.

Jeff: She's too perfect, she's too talented, she's too beautiful, she's too sophisticated, she's too everything but what I want.

Stella: Is, um, what you want something you can discuss?

Jeff: Would you fix me a sandwich, please?

Stella: Yes, I will. And I'll spread a little common sense on the bread.

Jeff: She's like a queen bee with her pick of the drones.

Lisa: I'd say she's doing a woman's hardest job: juggling wolves.

Jeff: She sure is the "eat, drink and be merry" girl.

Stella: Yeah, she'll wind up fat, alcoholic and miserable.

Stella: We've become a race of Peeping Toms. What people ought to do is get outside their own house and look in for a change. Yes sir. How's that for a bit of homespun philosophy?

Jeff: Readers Digest, April 1939.

Stella: Well, I only quote from the best.

Jeff: Those two yellow zinnias at the end, they're shorter now. Now since when do flowers grow shorter over the course of two weeks? Something's buried there.

Lisa: Mrs. Thorwald!

Stella: You haven't spent much time around cemeteries, have you? Mr. Thorwald could hardly bury his wife's body in plot of ground about one foot square. Unless he put her in standing on end, in which case he wouldn't need the knives and saw.

Lisa: Where does a man get inspiration to write a song like that?

Jeff: He gets it from the landlady once a month.

Jeff: [Jeff watching Lt. Doyle staring at Miss Torso dancing in her room] How's your wife?

[describing a dress]

Lisa: A steal at $1,100.

Jeff: Eleven hundred? They ought to list that dress on the stock exchange.

Jeff: I just can't figure it. He went out several times last night in the rain carrying his sample case.

Stella: Well, he's a salesman, isn't he?

Jeff: Well, what would he be selling at three o'clock in the morning?

Stella: Flashlights. Luminous dials for watches. House numbers that light up.

Jeff: What do you need as evidence? Bloody footprints leading up to his door?

Lt. Doyle: One thing I don't need is heckling. You called me and asked for help. Now you're behaving like a taxpayer.

Jeff: You know by tomorrow morning, there may not be any evidence left in that apartment, you know that?

Lt. Doyle: A detective's worst nightmare.

Lisa: Did Lt. Doyle think I stole this purse?

Jeff: No, Lisa, I don't think he did.

Jeff: I've seen bickering and family quarrels and mysterious trips at night, and knives and saws and ropes, and now since last evening, not a sign of the wife. How do you explain that?

Lisa: Maybe she died.

Jeff: Where's the doctor? Where's the undertaker?

[Thorwald forces Jeff's apartment door open and stands before him, closing the door behind him]

Lars Thorwald: What do you want from me?

[Jeff does not reply]

Lars Thorwald: Your friend, the girl, could have turned me in. Why didn't she?

[no reply]

Lars Thorwald: What do you want? A lot of money? I don't have any money.

[no reply]

Lars Thorwald: Say something.

[no reply]

Lars Thorwald: Say something! Tell me what you want!

[Jeff continues to remain silent]

Lars Thorwald: Can you get me that ring back?

Jeff: No.

Lars Thorwald: Tell her to bring it back!

Jeff: I can't. The police have it by now.

Jeff: I get myself half killed for you and you reward me by stealing my assignments.

Jeff's Editor: I didn't ask you to stand in the middle of that automobile racetrack.

Jeff: You asked for a, something dramatically different. You got it.

Jeff's Editor: So did you.

Jeff: [shivering as cold alcohol is poured on his back before a rubdown] Say, don't you ever heat that stuff up?

Stella: Aw, it gives your system something to fight against.

[Jeff dials the number for Thorwald's phone who is seen from a distance walking over to the phone and standing by it]

Jeff: [quietly to himself] Come on, Thorwald, answer it. Come on, your curious. You wonder if it's your girlfriend calling. The one you killed for. Go on, pick it up!

[Thorwald is seen picking up the phone]

Lars Thorwald: [voice] Hello?

Jeff: Did you get my note? Well, did you get it Thorwald?

Lars Thorwald: [voice] Who are you?

Jeff: I'll give you a chance to find out. Meet me in the bar at the Albert Hotel. Do it right away.

Lars Thorwald: [voice] Why should I?

Jeff: A little business meeting... to settle the estate of your late wife.

Lars Thorwald: [voice] I... I don't know what you mean.

Jeff: Come on, quit stalling or I'll hang up and call the police. Would you like that?

Lars Thorwald: [voice] I only have 100 dollars or so.

Jeff: That's a start. I'm at the Albert now. I'll be looking for you.

[Jeff hangs up]

Jeff: Who said they left then?

Lt. Doyle: Who left where?

Jeff: The Thorwalds at six o'clock in the morning yesterday.

Lt. Doyle: The building superintendant and two tennants in the building lobby. Flat out statements with no hesitation. The Thorwalds were on their way to the railroad station.

Jeff: Now Tom, how could anyone possible guess that? Did they have signs on their luggage saying 'Grand Central or Bust'?

Lt. Doyle: The superintenant met Thorwald when he came back. When he asked where he'd been, Mr. Thorwald told him that he took his wife to Grand Central Railroad Station and put her on a train for the country. See?

Jeff: I see. This superintenant must be a pretty bright guy. Have you checked his bank statements recently? See if he was paid off?

Lt. Doyle: [bewildered] Huh?

Jeff: Well, what good is his information? It's a second-hand version of an unsupported story by the murderer himself: Thorwald. Now, did anyone actually see the woman that Thorwald was with get on the train?

Lt. Doyle: Jeff, I hate to bring this up but this whole thing started because you said she was murdered. Now, did you or anyone else see Mrs. Thorwald being murdered?

Jeff: [Lisa wants to be part of Jeff's globe-trotting life of adventure] You don't sleep much, you bathe even less and you'd have to eat things that you wouldn't want to look at while they were alive.

Stella: The New York State sentence for a Peeping Tom is six months in the workhouse.

Jeff: Oh, hello, Stella.

Stella: And they got no windows in the workhouse.

Jeff: Are you interested in solving this case or in making me look foolish?

Lt. Doyle: Well, if possible, both.

Jeff: Well then, do a good job of it. Go over there and search Thorwald's apartment. The whole place must be knee-deep in evidence.

Lt. Doyle: I can't do that.

Jeff: No, I mean not right now. Just wait for a while until he goes out later for drink or a paper or something. What he doesn't know woun't hurt him.

Lt. Doyle: I can't do that even if he isn't there.

Jeff: Why not? Does he have a curtesy card from the local police department?

Lt. Doyle: Now don't get me angry. This is America. Not even a detective can just walk into an apartment and search it. Why personaly, if I was caught in there, they'd have my badge within 10 minutes.

Jeff: Then make sure you don't get caught, that's all. If you find something, you have a murder. They'd probaly not care very much about a few broken house rules. If you don't find anything, the fellow's clear.

Jeff: What about the knife and saw I saw him wrapping up in newspaper?

Lt. Doyle: Do you own a saw?

Jeff: Well... yeah. At home in my garage, I keep...

Lt. Doyle: How many people did you cut up with it?

Jeff: All right, Doyle. I take it that you didn't find the trunk. And all of this is just some speech you made up one night at a policeman's ball!

Lt. Doyle: I found the trunk, a half-an-hour after I left here this morning. It was at Grand Central Station.

Lisa: I suppose it's necessary for a man to tie up a trunk with heavy rope?

Lt. Doyle: If the lock is broken, yes.

Jeff: And what did you find inside the trunk? Surely no tomato paste to me?

Lt. Doyle: Mrs. Thorwald's clothes. Clean, well-packed, not stylish, but presentable.

Lisa: Didn't you take them to the police crime lab to have them examined?

Lt. Doyle: I re-packed them and sent them on their merry and legal way.

Jeff: Why would a woman who is going away for a short trip does she take everything that she owns?

Lt. Doyle: [glares at Lisa] Let's let the female psychologist answer that.

Lisa: It's looks to me like she is never comming back.

Lt. Doyle: Now, that is known as a private family quarell.

Jeff: All right, but if she was never comming back, why didn't he tell his landlord that? I'll tell you why Thorwald never told his landlord that his wife was never comming back. It's because he was hiding something in the apartment... or he still is.

Lt. Doyle: [stares at Lisa's overnight bag nearby] Do you tell your landlord everything?

Jeff: [embarassed] Uh... I told you to be careful, Tom.

Lt. Doyle: Lars Thorwald... is no more a murderer than I am.

Jeff: [stunned] You mean that you can explain everything strange that has been going on over there, and is still going on?

Lt. Doyle: No, and neither can you. That's a secret private world your looking into out there. People do a lot of things in private they couldn't possibly explain in public.

Lisa: Like killing their wives?

Lt. Doyle: Get that idea out of your head. It will only lead you in the wrong direction.

Jeff: Don't be frightened of the possibilities, Son. She's a wonderful mistress.