Jay Austin Quotes in The Presidio (1988)

Jay Austin: You know what I'd like?

[smiles]

Jay Austin: I'd like you to resist arrest. Just a little. God, I'd really like that.

[cuffs one hand]

Jay Austin: You have the right to remain silent, you have the right to an attorn -

[Col. Paul Lawrence elbows him in the face with free arm]

Lt. Col. Alan Caldwell: What in the hell is "the Dead"?

Jay Austin: You wouldn't understand.

Lt. Col. Alan Caldwell: Try me.

Jay Austin: The Grateful Dead.

Lt. Col. Alan Caldwell: The Grateful Dead?

Jay Austin: Grateful Dead.

Lt. Col. Alan Caldwell: I don't understand.

Jay Austin: [sarcastically] That's a surprise.

Donna Caldwell: Say something.

Jay Austin: What?

Donna Caldwell: That's a start.

Jay Austin: The reason why I'm here is because I'm interested in you, not your father.

Bernie: Hey, did you hook me up?

Max Kendall: Yeah, I hooked you up.

Jay Austin: Where'd you go?

Max Kendall: You guys better come to the window if you wanna see the big show.

Jay Austin: What? What did you do?

Max Kendall: I left Bernie with a little parting gift.

Jay Austin: What's that?"

Max Kendall: I hooked his brake peddle to his horn.

Todd Austin: We brought you a chicken sandwich.

Jay Austin: I thought you were bringing me a burger.

Bernie: Man you are the king of cheese!

Jay Austin: What does that mean?

Vince: You just made $3000 on that car.

Jay Austin: That's why the sign says Jay Austin motors not Vince Burkley motors.

Judy Austin: Jay, just say the blessing.

Jay Austin: Why don't you say the blessing?

Judy Austin: Okay. Dear God, thank you for this food, Your blessings, and the precious carpet we're allowed to walk on. May it serve us well in the years to come and be a beacon of hope to all those who live in the house after were gone. Amen.

Jay Austin: That was lame!

Judy Austin: You're welcome to pray any time you like.

Jay Austin: I cannot remember the last time I felt my life was going right.

Max Kendall: So I should pray for you. Maybe you should pray for you.

Jay Austin: Help me Jesus. You're in charge now. You're the boss.

Judy Austin: Is something wrong with you?

Jay Austin: There is.

Judy Austin: Jay are you dying?

Jay Austin: No, no. What's wrong with me is I have been living for myself.

Jay Austin: Okay Lord, this is your lot; I will honor You with it.

Bernie: I'd like to think of myself as hard working man trapped in a lazy man's body.

Vince: I've always thought of myself as a tan body builder stuck in a white chubby man's body.

Jay Austin: Sam anything we should know about you?

Sam: I'm just a black man in a black man's body, working with a bunch of strange white boys.

Sam: I'm not a cars salesman.

Jay Austin: I'll give you a raise.

Sam: Then again, I might be a pretty good car salesman.

Kevin: You can get away with pushing a little bit. I mean don't you need the money.

Jay Austin: I do. But I've got to live with how I run this place. I just don't want any more regrets. I'm sticking to the highest standard I can. You treat people right it'll come back to you.

Judy Austin: Did Reverend Michaels come by to see you today?

Jay Austin: He did.

Judy Austin: And?

Jay Austin: And he bought a car.

Judy Austin: He did?

Jay Austin: He did.

Judy Austin: And you gave him a good deal, right?

Jay Austin: It's a good deal.

Judy Austin: A good deal for him?

Jay Austin: I see it's time for my nightly interrogation.

Judy Austin: Oh come on, Jay. You've never kept this sort of stuff from me before. What did you charge him?

Jay Austin: $9 000.

Judy Austin: And what did you get it for?

Jay Austin: $6 500.

Judy Austin: That doesn't sound like a deal.

Jay Austin: It was a deal for me.

Judy Austin: Oh great. So now you're ripping off ministers.

Jay Austin: [Slams his hand on the table] I want you to shut up now. The next time you open your mouth, you only open it to eat, do you understand me?

Jay Austin: I know I hurt you terribly last night. I was wrong to do that, and I'm sorry.

Judy Austin: You're apologizing to me?

Jay Austin: I am.

Judy Austin: Is something wrong with you?

Jay Austin: There is.

Judy Austin: Jay, are you... are you dying?

Jay Austin: No. No. What's wrong with me is that I have been living for myself. I have not been the husband I need to be. I have not been the father I need to be. I have not been the spiritual leader I need to be. Today I asked God to forgive me. I have gotten myself in a mess in almost every area of my life, and I can't fix it. I admit that I have not been worthy of honor or respect or the love of my family. But I want to be.

Judy Austin: Jay...

Jay Austin: Judy, I'm asking you to pray for me. I need you. I need you terribly. I'm resolving to let Jesus be lord of my life. Everyday.

Judy Austin: You're serious?

Jay Austin: I am serious. I will be honest in my business. I will take responsibility as the spiritual leader of my home. I will love you. I will love Todd. And I will love our baby. So help me God, I will.

Max Kendall: What are you doing in here, bud?

Jay Austin: Complaining to God.

Max Kendall: Well, while you're in here yapping, he's out here working.

Katie Harris: Now I have rebuked you, I have defended you, now it's time for you to stand up and be a godly man worth defending. Do you understand me?

Jay Austin: Yes, ma'am. I do.

Katie Harris: All right then. May God bless you.

Jay Austin: I already tithed my time at church this week.

Todd Austin: Dad what's a tithe?

Jay Austin: It's when you give money to help the church

Judy Austin: Or in our case an empty envelope so people think we give money to help the church.

Judy Austin: Should he think you're truthful

Jay Austin: I'm not answering that question.

Jay Austin: You grossly manipulated her!

Bernie: You taught me how. I don't know what kind of game this is, but you've got different rules for yourself.

Jay Austin: The desire for my heart is to finish well.

Judy Austin: I thought you were coming home at five.

Jay Austin: I guess I'm late.

Judy Austin: Does it not bother you that you don't keep your word?

Jay Austin: Don't start, Judy.

Judy Austin: Guess not.

Jay Austin: Why are you interrogating me? I'm a used car salesman. I sell cars.

Judy Austin: At dishonest prices.

Jay Austin: That's enough. It shouldn't bother you; I make more money when I sell more cars - you benefit from it.

Judy Austin: I wanna come back tonight for the evening service.

Jay Austin: I'm not coming back. I've got some things to do on the lot.

Judy Austin: On a Sunday? Jay!

Jay Austin: I've already tithed my time to church this week.

Todd Austin: Dad, what's a tithe?

Jay Austin: It's when you give money to help the church.

Judy Austin: Or, in our case, an empty envelope so people think we give money to help the church.

Jay Austin: Is that supposed to be funny?

Judy Austin: You know, Jay, I've never really thought it was very funny.

Jay Austin: We've given money before.

Judy Austin: Oh, then I guess we're okay.

Judy Austin: Should he think you're truthful?

Jay Austin: I'm not answering that question.

Jay Austin: You're not getting anything on the carpet, are you?

Judy Austin: Jay, we've got newspapers and towels down. He's being very careful.

Jay Austin: We've just finished painting the carpet. I wanna do whatever it takes to keep it clean.

Judy Austin: Jay, will you stop worrying about your precious carpet. Nothing's gonna happen to it.

Jay Austin: What's with the attitude?

Judy Austin: I don't have an attitude.

Jay Austin: You do have an attitude. Should I not be concerned about a $4 000 investment?

Judy Austin: Jay, just say the blessing.

Jay Austin: Why don't you say the blessing?

Judy Austin: Okay. Dear God, thank you for this food, your blessings, and the precious carpet we're allowed to walk on. May it serve us well in the years to come and be a beacon of hope to all those who live in the house after we're gone. Amen.

Jay Austin: That was lame.

Judy Austin: You're welcome to pray anytime you like.

Jay Austin: Thank you for reminding me.

Todd Austin: Dad, will you help me with my project?

Jay Austin: You know, I'm getting kind of tired of this holier-than-thou attitude you've been dishing out.

Todd Austin: Mom, can I have cereal instead?

Jay Austin: Cereal?

Judy Austin: Todd, honey, I thought you liked pizza.

Jay Austin: You want cereal over pizza?

Jay Austin: Yes, sir.

Jay Austin: I don't care.

Judy Austin: Okay.

Jay Austin: You shouldn't have done that, Bernie.

Bernie: Shouldn't have done what?

Jay Austin: Somebody's going to figure out she got overcharged $4 000 on this deal and make an issue out of it.

Bernie: What?

Jay Austin: Would you not want to kick the guy in the teeth who overcharged your wife several thousand on a car?

Bernie: She's not married.

Jay Austin: That's not the point! She's got a boyfriend, her parents or friends who are going to figure out she got sloshed on this deal.

Bernie: Whoa, who you're talking to? I just made a week's profit, and I'm getting slammed for it?

Jay Austin: Bernie, it's not the profit. It's the way you got it.

Bernie: Since when did you become a boy scout?

Jay Austin: You don't think you did anything wrong?

Bernie: Oh, so when Jay Austin pulls in a few thousand dollars it's good business. But when Bernie Myers does it to help the team out, it's ripping people off?

Jay Austin: You grossly manipulated her!

Bernie: You taught me how! I don't know what kind of game this is, but you've got different rules for yourself!

Max Kendall: I don't know yet. I keep thinking I got it figured out. But I keep being wrong.

Jay Austin: It's true for both of us.

Max Kendall: You got something you can't fix either?

Jay Austin: Several things. At least I think I know how to fix them. But I keep being wrong.

Max Kendall: We both sound pretty pathetic.

Jay Austin: ...Then at least one of us will have our problems fixed.

Max Kendall: You sure have been carrying a heavy load lately. You okay?

Jay Austin: Not really, to be honest. I can not remember the last time I felt like my life was going right.

Max Kendall: So I should pray for you. Maybe you should pray for you.

Jay Austin: I don't know about that.

Max Kendall: Why not?

Jay Austin: I don't think God will listen to me right now.

Max Kendall: What do you mean?

Jay Austin: I mean He knows I'm not an honest man. He knows I'm a lousy husband and father. He knows how selfish and prideful I am. I don't even like myself, Max. I've got friction with almost every person in my life. I owe money to the bank that I don't have.

Max Kendall: I'm an old man, Jay. There's some things I wish I'd gotten right decades ago. But my pride got in the way. But when I learned to let the Lord run my life, a whole lot got a lot better. I don't mean to preach at you. But I just know my need. Frankly, I know that's what we all need. You know, this is a beautiful car. It's still got a good engine. But until we get that piece fixed, off the engine, it's not going anywhere.

Katie Harris: You what? You cheated me?

Jay Austin: Well, I mean I just wasn't very honest about it...

Katie Harris: So you think you can just waltz right in with a $1 200 check and expect me to accept what you've done?

Jay Austin: Well, I'm sorry for what I did...

Katie Harris: You'd better be sorry! You know how hard it is to make it in this world today?

Katie's Sister: Uh-huh.

Katie Harris: The last thing we need is a dishonest person taking advantage of old ladies.

Jay Austin: Ma'am...

Katie Harris: Don't you interrupt me! I've been working 40 long years for every penny I got.

Katie's Sister: That's right.

Katie Harris: Then a scam artist like you tries to take it away.

Katie's Sister: Tell him.

Katie Harris: You better give me an apology.

Jay Austin: Well, that's why...

Katie Harris: Don't you talk back to me. I'm tired of the lies, the deceit, the confession, and everything else.

Jay Austin: The confection?

Katie Harris: Don't you sass me! You keep your mouth shut till I tell you to open it.

Katie's Sister: Amen.

Katie Harris: Now say you're sorry.

Jay Austin: I'm sorry.

Katie Harris: Now get out of here and go get right with God! Before I get you right with Him!

Katie's Sister: Bye.

Katie Harris: Oh sweet Jesus; $1 200!

Bernie: I didn't think you had it in you, Jay.

Jay Austin: What's that?

Bernie: The ability to stiff a minister.

Jay Austin: Excuse me, St. Bernard, but I figure you think I'm interested in making the least amount of money we can.

Bernie: Hey, I'm all for making money. I just thought you'd cut the Reverend a deal.

Jay Austin: And you would have?

Bernie: I'd try to.

Jay Austin: Bull. Vince, would you trust Bernie to sell a car to your mother?

Vince: To my mother?

Jay Austin: To your mother.

Vince: No way.

Bernie: Oh, come on!

Jay Austin: What's worse Bernie - overcharging the Reverend for the Camry, which is a good car, or squeezing that old lady for the Marquis last week?

Bernie: She wasn't that old.

Jay Austin: She was in her 70s!

Bernie: Late 50s.

Vince: Oh please.

Bernie: Maybe early 60s.

Jay Austin: Don't wag your tongue at me over the Camry. You've ripped off more naive ladies than anyone else in Albany, and stop judging me for something you do yourself. That old lady last week was probably an honorable woman. Husband probably served in the military.

Bernie: Or the ministry.