Jay Quotes in Okja (2017)

K: You're a fucking psychopath.

Jay: You should be ashamed of yourself.

Nancy Mirando: Fuck off! We're extremely proud of our achievements. We're very hardworking business-people. We do deals, and these are the deals we do. This is the tenderloin for the sophisticated restaurants. The Mexicans love the feet. I know. Go figure! We all love the face and the anus, as American as apple pie! Hot dogs. It's all edible. All edible, except the squeal.

Marcus: Hey, yo, Pops. We betting on what you did before you got here.

Jay: Like for a living.

Marcus: I'm saying insurance, claims.

Jay: He was a stock dude, man, on Wall Street.

Robert McCall: I was a Pip.

Jay: Yo, you were a pimp?

Robert McCall: No, not a pimp. A Pip, P-I-P, Pip.

Jay: What fuck is a Pip?

Robert McCall: Why you curse so much? You know, like Gladys Knight and the Pips. Like this.

[starts dancing]

Jay: You're late again. Budd, can't you tell time?

Budd: There ain't nobody in here, man.

Larry Gomez: [voice; offscreen] Hey, Jay! Is Budd out there?

Jay: [yells] Yeah.

Larry Gomez: Tell him to get his fucking ass in here!

Jay: Okay!

[to Budd]

Jay: Budd, Larry'd like a word with you.

Jay: I don't blame you. I mean, I do, but... Shit, you're not the problem. You're just doing your job, i guess. The people I'm really trying to fight are the ones who destroy so much, and they hurt so many lives. Not just one. Literally, millions. And no one ever points a gun at them. You know, they just seem so, unaccountable. Untouchable. Just seems kind of fucked that you're... You and me are the ones that have to fight each other.

Jay: How long is it been raining? Forever. Not forever. No. For a 100 years. They say billions of people once lived on the earth. And the temperatures rose. The great cities fell. And this rain came. This terrible toxic rain. Our ancestors saw it coming. The catastrophe. They built Ecoban. The first living city genetically engineered to survive in a poisonous environment. Ecoban became our refuge. Our salvation. Survirors came by the thousands begging to be let in. But our ancestors turned them away. Left them to die in the wasteland. The ones who survived became our workers. Mining the carbonite fields to feed our Ecoban. Diggers we call them. The diggers need us. We need them. Everybody wins. But some win more than others.

Jay: If they see us, we've had it!

Jay: [Kay is blaring "Promised Land" by Elvis Presley on the car's stereo] You do know Elvis is dead, right?

Kay: No, Elvis is not dead. He just went home.

Jay: [suited up] You know what the difference is between you and me? I make this look GOOD.

Kay: We do not discharge our weapons in view of the public!

Jay: Man, we ain't got time for this cover-up bullshit! I don't know whether or not you've forgotten, but there's an Arquillian Battle Cruiser that's about to...

Kay: There's always an Arquillian Battle Cruiser, or a Corillian Death Ray, or an intergalactic plague that is about to wipe out all life on this miserable little planet, and the only way these people can get on with their happy lives is that they DO NOT KNOW ABOUT IT!

Zed: Kay, give the kid a weapon.

[Kay opens a chest filled with intergalactic guns. He picks up a large rifle]

Kay: A Series Four De-atomizer.

Jay: That's what I'm talkin' about.

Kay: [picks up a very tiny gun and gives it to Jay] Noisy Cricket.

Jay: [stares the weapon in disgust] Hey, Kay, nah, nah. Come on, man, you-you get a Series Four De-atomizer and I-I get a little - little midgy cricket?

Kay: [notices Jay is pointing the gun in his direction] WHOA! kid...

[grabs the arm Jay is holding the weapon with and points it away from him]

Jay: Feel like I'm gonna break this damn thing...!

Kay: All right, Beatrice, there was no alien. The flash of light you saw in the sky was not a UFO. Swamp gas from a weather balloon was trapped in a thermal pocket and reflected the light from Venus.

Jay: Wait a minute. You just flash that thing, it erases her memory, and you just make up a new one?

Kay: A standard issue neuralyzer.

Jay: And that weak-ass story's the best you can come up with?

Kay: On a more personal note Beatrice, Edgar ran off with an old girlfriend. You're gonna go stay with your mom a couple nights. You're gonna get over it and decide you're better off.

Jay: Well, yeah, you know, 'cause 'cause he never appreciated you anyway. In fact, you know what - you kicked HIM out! And now that he's gone you're gonna go into town, you go to Bloomingdale's and find some nice dresses, get yourself some shoes, you know, find somewhere, maybe you can get a facial. And, uh, oh - hire a decorator to come in here quick, 'cause... DAMN.

Jay: Zed, don't you guys ever get any sleep around here?

Zed: The twins keep us on Centaurian time, standard thirty-seven hour day. Give it a few months. You'll get used to it... or you'll have a psychotic episode.

Jay: Did you ever flashy-thing me?

Kay: No.

Jay: I ain't playing with you, K. Did you ever flashy-thing me?

Kay: No.

Jay: [holds up his badge] See that? NYPD, means I will Knock Your Punkass Down!

[Jay and Kay meet a strange-looking man holding a dog on a leash]

Jay: Now that's the worst disguise ever. That guy's gotta be an alien.

Frank the Pug: You don't like it, you can kiss my furry little butt!

[J has just jumped from a bridge onto a tour bus]

Jay: [to startled passengers] It just be raining black people in New York!

Jay: All right, I'm in. 'Cause there's some next level shit going on and I'm OK with that. But before y'all go beaming me up there's one thing you gotta remember: You chose me... so you recognized the skills, so I don't want nobody calling me son or kid or sport or nothing like that, cool?

Kay: Cool, whatever you say, slick, but I need to tell you something about all your skills. As of right now, they mean precisely... dick.

[from trailer]

Kay: We are the best kept secret in the galaxy. We monitor, licence and police all alien activity on the Earth. We're your first, last, and only line of defense. We live in secret, we exist in shadow.

Jay: And we dress in black.

Kay: Do you remember the little red button?

Jay: [warily] Yeah...

Kay: Push the little red button.

[Jay pushes it]

Kay: And you may want to put on a seatbelt...

[the car flips upside down, sprouts rocket engines and begins riding along the top of the tunnel. Kay is safe because he has a seatbelt on, but Jay is flipped over]

Jay: Kay! Kayyyyy!

[K drives a jet-propelled car, while J hangs on screaming]

Kay: You know, you're much too tense. You're a young man. You need to relax, learn to take some joy in your work. Do you like music?

[plays Elvis Presley's "The Promised Land" on the radio]

Kay: That's better.

[mouths along with Elvis, and drives onto the roof of a tunnel]

Jay: Aw shit! Aw damn! K! K!

[K avoids a traffic light and brings the car back to ground level]

Jay: You do know Elvis is dead, right?

Kay: No, Elvis is not dead. He just went home.

[last lines]

Elle: Hey, Jay! Zed called. The high consulate from Solaxiant 9 wants floor seats for the next Bulls game.

Jay: All right, let's put in a call to Dennis Rodman. He's from that planet.

Elle: Rodman? You're kidding.

Jay: Nope.

Elle: Not much of a disguise.

Jay: You know what they say. It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

Kay: Try it.

Kay: Not bad for your second day of work, is it?

Jay: This definitely rates about a 9.0 on my weird-shit-o-meter.

Kay: You should've been here for the Zeronian migration in 1968.

Jay: Unlimited technology from the whole universe, and we cruise 'round in a Ford P.O.S.

[after delivering a squid-like alien baby]

Jay: You know it's actually kinda...

[baby throws up on him]

Jay: ...cute.

Jay: Yo, Kay, check it out, when do I get my own little flashy-thing memory-messer-upper?

Kay: When you grow up.

Jay: Hmm, 'kay.

[scratches his forehead with his middle finger]

Kay: Arquillian battle rules, kid: first we get an ultimatum, then a warning shot, then we have a galactic standard week to respond.

Jay: A galactic standard week? How the hell long is that?

Kay: One hour.

Jay: One hour... then what?

[the message translation flashes across the screen: "MIB, DELIVER THE GALAXY OR EARTH WILL BE DESTROYED."]

Jay: Oh, now that's bullshit.

[the message adds, "SORRY." The countdown begins]

Kay: I don't suppose you know what kind of alien life form leaves a green spectral trail and craves sugar water, do you?

Jay: Uh, wait, that was on "Final Jeopardy!" last night. Damn, Alex said...

Kay: [opening his cell phone] Zed, we have a bug.

[after Kay informs Zed that they have a bug]

Jay: And what, we don't like bugs?

Kay: Bugs thrive on carnage, Tiger. They consume, infest, destroy, live off the death and destruction of other species.

Jay: You were stung as a child, weren't you?

Kay: Imagine a giant cockroach, with unlimited strength, a massive inferiority complex, and a real short temper, is tear-assing around Manhattan Island in a brand-new Edgar suit. That sound like fun?

Kay: [at newsstand] We'll check the hot sheets.

Jay: *These* are the hot sheets?

Kay: Best investigative reporting on the planet. Read the New York Times if you want, they get lucky sometimes.

Jay: I cannot believe you're looking for tips in the supermarket tabloids.

Kay: [front-age article about farmer's stolen skin] Not looking for. Found.

Kay: So what do you think?

Jay: Whew! Very interesting. She got a whole "queen of the undead" thing going on...

Kay: What about the body?

Jay: Great body...

Kay: The DEAD body.

Jay: Going to get your gun back, huh?

Kay: I like this gun...

Kay: [looking skywards] They're beautiful, aren't they?

Jay: What?

Kay: The stars.

Jay: K, you're frightening your partner...

Kay: I haven't been looking for a partner. I've been looking for a replacement.

Jay: K, I can NOT do this by myself, all right?

Dr. Weaver: Hey, guys, can you drop me off home? My apartment isn't in this area...

Kay: I've just been down the gullet of an interstellar cockroach. That's one of a hundred memories I don't want.

Kay: All right... That's confiscated. All of it. And I want you on the next transport off this rock or I'm gonna shoot you where it don't grow back.

Jay: [shaken] Yeah and... and... and I'm gonna be back to talk about them Rolexes.

Kay: Set for pulsar level five, subsonic implosion factor two.

Jay: What?

Kay: Just shoot the damn thing on the count of three!

Kay: All right, kid, here's the deal. At any given time there are approximately 1500 aliens on the planet, most of them right here in Manhattan. And most of them are decent enough, they're just trying to make a living.

Jay: Cab drivers?

Kay: Not as many as you'd think.

Jay: [stepping on some cockroaches] Oh, I'm sorry. Was that your auntie? Then that must be your uncle over there!

Jay: What branch of the government do we report to?

Kay: None, they ask too many questions.

Jay: So who pays for all this?

Kay: We hold patents on a few gadgets we confiscated from the visitors. Velcro, microwave ovens, liposuction. This is a fascinating little gadget. It'll replace CDs soon. Guess I'll have to buy the 'White Album' again.

Jay: That's fun.

Kay: It's a universal translator. We're not even supposed to have it. I'll tell you why. Human thought is so primitive it's looked upon as an infectious disease in some of the better galaxies. That kind of makes you proud, doesn't it?

NYPD Sergeant at Edwards ' Interrogation: Edwards, if you were half the man that I am...

Jay: Hey man, what are you talking about? I AM half the man that you are!

Kay: Searching for a handle on the moment? I can't help you. The only comfort I can offer... is my promise that tomorrow morning you won't remember a thing.

Jay: [about to be neuralyzed] That's not exactly some shit you just forget...

Jay: All we gotta do is go in here and get a cat. It's not that hard. But if you go in there, you're gonna lay your Jack Webb on her, start flashing your brain-ray all in her face. You're gonna wind up giving her leukemia or something. Woman's a doctor, she don't need you flashing away half her med school classes. Five minutes.

Kay: Two minutes.

[J crushes cockroaches, which enrages Edgar]

Jay: Well, well. Big, bad Bug got a bit of a soft spot, huh? What I can't understand is, why you gotta come down here bringing all this ruckus! Snatching up galaxies and everything. My attitude is: don't start nothing, won't BE nothing!

[Laurel Weaver looks at the two, amazed as Edgar leans close to Jay]

Jay: You better ease up out of my face before something bad happen to you.

[Kay cocks his gun while inside Edgar's stomach]

Jay: Too late.

[He gets blasted into two from inside, Kay falls down next to Jay as they both are covered in slime]

Kay: You're under arrest for violating sections 4153 of the Tyco Treaty.

Jay: So hand over whatever galaxy you might be carrying and step away from your busted ass vehicle, and put your hands on your head!

Kay: [cocks gun] Roaches check in...

Jay: [cocks gun] ... But they don't check out.

Kay: You remember "Casablanca", right?

Jay: Yeah.

Kay: Same thing, just no Nazis.

Kay: You're nothing but a smear on the Sports page to me, you slimy, ugly, intestinal parasite! Eat me! Eat me!

[the Bug swallows Kay whole]

Jay: Kay! Kay!

Jay: HEY, OLD GUYS! Do those still work?

[points at the ships on the towers at Flushing Meadows]

Jay: [to Bug] Oh, you have so got to die!

Jay: I can't believe you lookin' for tips in the supermarket tabloids!

Kay: Not lookin' for. Found.

Kay: In the mid-50s the government started an underfunded agency with the simple and laughable purpose of establishing contact with a race not of this planet. Everyone thought the agency was a joke, except the aliens who made contact March 1961, outside New York. There were nine of us that first night. Seven agents, one astronomer,

[MiB photo of himself with an alien]

Kay: and one dumb kid who got lost on the wrong back road.

Jay: Oh, you brought that tall man some flowers.

Kay: This way... They were a group of intergalactic refugees. Wanted Earth for an apolitical zone for creatures without a planet. Did you ever see 'Casablanca?' Same thing, except no Nazis. We agreed and concealed all the evidence of their landing.

Jay: So these are real flying saucers, and the World's Fair was a cover-up for their landing?

Kay: Why else hold it in Queens? More non-humans arrive every year and live among us in secret.

Jay: Look, I'm sorry. Not to change the subject, but when was the last time you had a CAT scan?

Kay: Six months ago. It's company policy.

Jay: Make another appointment.

[the alien perp is on top of a building running away from Jay. He opens up a door and sees Jay pointing his gun at him]

Jay: What's up?

Perp: He's coming because I failed and now he'll kill me, too.

Jay: Yeah, well you just pissing everybody off today, huh?

Perp: You don't understand. Your world's gonna end.

[He blinks with his eyeballs]

Jay: What the hell are you?

[the perp is on the edge of the building]

Jay: Hey, watch that ledge. Watch the ledge. Look, come on down and we'll get those eyes fixed. Don't even worry about it. Let me talk to you. Hey, hey!

[the perp raises his arms, falls off the building and lands on the sidewalk]

Frank the Pug: The galaxy is here!

Kay: What do you mean "here?"

Jay: Galaxy's millions of stars and planets. How's it here?

Frank the Pug: You humans! When will you learn size doesn't matter? Just because something's important, doesn't mean it's not very small.

Kay: See ya around, Jay.

Jay: No, you won't.

[Jay notices the bug driving away]

Jay: Kay...

[raising his gun]

Jay: Get down!

[Kay ducks. Jay shoots and the glass window shatters, the mailbox explodes and Jay is thrown against the wall behind him]

Jay: Whooo...

Kay: Keep him on THIS planet!

Jay: Kay, where are you going?

Kay: I'm going to get my gun back.

Jay: Well, you know what they say: it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

Kay: ...Try it.

Jay: There's only one way off this planet, baby, and that's through me.

[the bug kicks Jay aside]

Jay: [blows out] That's right, that's - Ooh! Um, Kay! Oh, damn, man! Hey, uh, something's - Kay! Something's peekin', man!

Jay: Yo man, tell me something about me.

Rufus: You masturbate more than anyone on the planet.

Jay: Aw fuck, everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows.

Rufus: When you do it, you're thinking about guys.

[a shocked Silent Bob stares at Jay]

Jay: Dude, not all the time.

Bethany: I don't mean to sound ungrateful... but what are you doing hanging around?

Jay: We're here to pick up chicks.

Bethany: Excuse me?

Jay: We figure an abortion clinic is a good place to meet loose women. Why else would they be there unless they like to fuck?

Jay: You're breaking up with us? Who do you think you are, lady? You can't go around breaking guys hearts like us. I fell in love with you!

[Silent Bob pokes his arm]

Jay: I mean we fell in love with you! Guys like us just don't fall out of the fucking sky, you know!

[Rufus falls out of the sky]

Jay: [shouting skyward] Beautiful, naked, big-titted women just don't fall out of the sky, you know!

[nothing happens]

Jay: Oh, well. It was worth a try.

Jay: [Bethany, Jay, and Silent Bob are sitting in a diner; the guys are staring at Bethany expectantly] So what's up? You have a friend for Silent Bob or are you just gonna do us both? If so, I'm first. I hate sloppy seconds.

Bethany: You're a man of principle. Jersey's pretty far from McHenry, may I ask what brought you here?

Jay: Some fuck named John Hughes.

Bethany: "16 Candles" John Hughes?

Jay: You know that guy too? That fuckin' guy. He made this flick, "16 Candles". Not bad, there's tits in it but no bush. But Ebert over here don't give a shit about that kind of thing, 'cause he's like, all in love with this John Hughes guy.

[Silent Bob shakes his head with a "whatever" look on his face]

Jay: He goes out and rents, like, every one of his movies. Fuckin' "Breakfast Club", where all these stupid kids actually show up for detention. Fuckin' "Weird Science", where this babe wants to take her gear off and get down, but oh no, she don't, 'cause it's a PG movie. And then "Pretty in Pink", which I can't even watch with this tubby bitch anymore 'cause every time he gets to the part where the redhead hooks up with her dream guy, he starts sobbin' like a little bitch with a skinned knee and shit. And there's nothing worse than watching a fuckin' fat man weep.

[Silent Bob blows out his cigarette smoke angrily]

Bethany: What exactly brought you to Illinois?

Jay: See, all these movies take place in this small town called Shermer in Illinois, where all the honeys are top-shelf but all the dudes are whiny pussies. Except for Judd Nelson, he was fuckin' harsh.

[he and Silent Bob bump fists]

Jay: But best of all, there was no one dealin', man. And then it hits me: we could live like FAT rats if we were the blunt connection in Shermer, Illinois. So we collected some money we were owed and caught a bus. But you know what the fuck we found out when we got there? There IS no Shermer in Illinois. Movies are fuckin' bullshit.

Jay: I feel like I'm Han Solo, and you're Chewie, and she's Ben Kenobi, and we're in that fucked-up bar.

Jay: The whole fucking world's against us, dude, I swear to God.

Rufus: You know what the dead do with most of their time? They watch the living. Especially in the shower.

Jay: I can't wait to die.

[about Azrael's neutrality in the Holy Conflict]

Jay: What are you, some kind of fucking chicken?

Azrael: No, I was an ARTIST, STUPID! I WAS INSPIRATION! A muse has no place in battle!

Serendipity: So after the fallen were banished to hell, God turned on those who wouldn't fight, and Azrael was sent down with the demons.

[mockingly]

Serendipity: Something he considers a GRAVE injustice!

Azrael: Ah, come on! Don't tell me you NEVER questioned the judgement, Serendipity.

Serendipity: No. It never bothered me. So you were an artist! Big deal! Elvis was an artist. But that didn't stop him from joining the service in time of war. And that's why he's The King, and you're a schmuck.

Jay: Get offa me. I wanna see what's up. What the fuck is this shit? Who the fuck are you, lady? Why the fuck did you hug my head?

Metatron: Quite a little mouth on him, isn't there?

Jay: What the fuck is this, The Piano? Why ain't this broad talking?

Metatron: I believe the answers that you seek lie within my companion's eyes.

Jay: What the fuck does that mean? Has everyone gone fuckin' nuts? What the fuck happened to that guy's head? I want some...

[God kisses him on the cheek. Jay faints]

Rufus: You are the great great great GREAT great grand-niece of Jesus Christ.

Jay: So that would make Bethany... part black?

Serendipity: Bethany, you of anyone should know that tits dont make a woman. As you can see, I lack definition.

Jay: [off the screen] Hey! They're getting a free show! Let me see that shit!

[the Stygian Triplets close in on Bethany]

Jay: Snootch to the motherfuckin' nootch!

[Jay and Silent Bob kick the Triplets' asses]

Bethany: You're not with the Fight-to-Lifer's?

Jay: You mean those fucks with the signs and pictures of dead babies? Shit no. Me and Silent Bob are pro-choice. A woman's body is her own fucking business.

Jay: I know they were just kids, but we kicked their fucken pube-less asses!

[Jay drives Bethany's car; the motor shrieks]

Bethany: What gear are you in?

Jay: "Gear"?

Jay: All right, but let's say we're caught in a situation where we've got like five minutes to live, like a bomb or something is gonna go off. Would you fuck us then?

Bethany: In that highly unlikely situation? Yeah, sure.

Jay: She's a slut. Bunnnng.

Rufus: Jesus wasn't white, Jesus was black.

Bethany: Well then why did he get written about and you didn't?

Rufus: Well, he IS the son of God. Kinda hard to have a New Testament without him. So you fudge a few facts, put a spin on his ethnicity. Leavin' me out's okay because you still got twelve white boys to choose from.

Jay: Are you buying any of this shit?

Jay: [to the Stygian triplets] Go back to your paper routes, you Mighty Duck fucks.

Jay: [waking from a dream] I didn't cum on you, Pete, I swear.

Jay: Oh, I'm Jay, and this is my hetero-lifemate Silent Bob. I don't know who those kids were, but they would've kicked yours and Lunchbox's asses if I hadn't represented.

Jay: Holy shit - you're a Jehovah's Witness! All the fine chicks that come out of that place, and we gotta get the one Jesus freak! Let's go, Silent Bob.

Bethany: No. Wait...

Jay: I'll scream rape.

Azrael: Get me a... Holy Bartender.

Bartender: Never heard of it.

Azrael: Ahh, he doesn't know how to make a Holy Bartender. You do, don't you, Muse?

Serendipity: Don't...

Azrael: Ahh, anybody? No?

[Jay and Silent Bob shake their heads]

Azrael: Well, I know how to make a Holy Bartender...

[Azrael pulls out an MAC-11, shoots the bartender repeatedly, then laughs hysterically]

Azrael: Get it?

Serendipity: [restrained by the Stygian triplets who have suddenly appeared] Sweet Jesus, Azrael why?

Rufus: Come on, demon, I wanna see you try that shit on someone who's already dead!

Azrael: Now, now, apostle, you maintain that kind of an attitude and you and the barkeep won't be the only corpses in the room. The Christ bitch will join you.

[referring to Bethany]

Jay: [face lights up] Oh... wait. I get it. Holy Bartender! Ha, ha, ha!

[repeated line]

Jay: What the shit is that?

Jay: Heh, me lead you? Lady look at me, I don't even know where the hell I am half the time!

[Bethany decides to accompany Jay and Silent Bob to New Jersey]

Bethany: I want to go with you.

Jay: What, steady? You want to be my girlfriend OK, but Silent Bob gets to live with us and you pay the rent.

[Bethany and Rufus find Jay and Silent Bob at a strip club]

Bethany: What are you doing?

Jay: Proving to this bastard I ain't gay.

Bethany: What?

Rufus: Long story, forget it.

[Standing beside Bethany's car, its engine burned out]

Jay: Like I ever drove before...

Jay: [after he and Silent Bob join a gang and the Golgothan poop monster is heading towards them] Smoke that motherfucker like it aint no thang!

Bethany: I don't know what to say... or think... except...

Jay: That you offer us sex as a reward.

Jay: She's fucking pissed, dude. She'll never fuck us now. Well, maybe you, but definitely not me. Let me know how she is.

Bethany Sloane: NOBODY IS FUCKING ME! YOU GOT THAT!

Bethany: Stall Bartleby from going into that church.

Jay: How the hell am I supposed to do that?

Bethany: Think of something.

Jay: I already did, but it takes two of us.

[after meeting God]

Jay: You want to hear something sick? I got half a stock when she kissed me.

[last lines]

Jay: [after the cast and crew credits] So... does that mean Bethany's... part black?

Jay: So do you do anal? Is it true that chicks fart if you blast 'em in the ass?

Jay: Smoke that motherfucker like it ain't no thang.

Jay: You know, I hear pregnant women can have sex until their third trimester.

Bethany: I'll keep that in mind.

Jay: No wonder he saw Jesus. Homey's rockin' the ganj.

Jay: I fell in love wit chew. We fell in love wit chew.

Jay: Hey Big Bird? Wanna play the Counting Game? Count the shells Sucker Duck!

[proceeds to shoot off Bartelby's wings with an MAC-11]

Jay: Snoogans.

Jay: I get it! Holy Bartender! That's a great one!

Jay: You think someone threw him out of a plane with a message written on him like in Con Air? You ever see that flick?

Rufus: Aww man! That sucked!

Jay: [hiding behind silent Bob] It's the living dead! Kill it! Kill it!

Rufus: Con Air? Con Shit!

Bethany: I didn't ask you out for sex.

Jay: Well, I'll take head.

Jay: [to Bethany] If we're not gonna fuck, then what the fuck did you ask us out for?

Jay: What about sex?

Bethany: No sex.

Jay: [smoking a joint] Fuck, man, I think this shit just kicked in.

Jay: That's what you get, Mother fucker!

Jay: His piece will be rubbing inside of your armor!

Jay: Sonny, let me make a deal wit ya.

Jay: [after some time] Hahaha, Holy Bartender! I get it! That's a great one.

Jay: We can lay here all comatose like that John Doe Jersey bastard over there, or we can get makin' with the love.

Bethany: What did you say?

Jay: 'Makin' with the love.' It's a nice way of saying boning.

Jay: ...And, of course, win or lose, every contestant takes home a set of the Encyclopedia Satanica.

Jay: Get Te France!

Jay: There are only two ways this can go. Complete the job or prison, and I have no aptitude for the correctional experience.

Shalom Godsall: I wouldnt have said that I would have thought you would have fitted right in.

Jay: I still don't feel like I know where I fit in in this world. Sometimes I feel like giving up. I know at some point if I hang in there, I will find the key to unlock the grid.

Stacy: [in full skate gear] So, what's up with Tony? You guys still skate with him?

Jay: He's competing with the sun for the center of the universe.

[Stacy shrugs, walks off]

Jay: [to Sid] Stacy looks like a stock car.

Gabrielle: Hey! You totally blew me away!

Jay: What? You wanna blow me?

[the Z-Boys laugh]

Gabrielle: Maybe!

Jay: Dude, you just got patty slapped.

[boys begin to laugh]

Jay: [the Z-Boys want to drain and skate Sid's pool, Sid comes out of his house] What did he say?

Sid: "Sid, are you high? The pool's for swimming!"

Jay: Tell him we'll fill it back up when we're done.

Sid: He said if you got hurt, you'll sue him.

Jay: We're not gonna sue him.

Sid: He said your parents would.

Stacy: Our parents can't even afford lawyers.

Tony: Hey, let me talk to him.

Sid: Hey, the only Mexicans my dad talks to push lawnmowers.

[Tony grabs him playfully]

Jay: [to Sid] I'll let you bang my mom!

Jay: [Biniak yells in Sid's ear, making him wipe out] dude, he's got that inner ear thing!

Bob Biniak: Suck my inner ear, Jay-Boy!

Stacy: [now knowing about Jay and Kathy being together] When were you going to tell me you were with her?

Jay: You couldn't handle her.

Kathy Alva: Take your boxers off.

Jay: No way.

Jay: [as the Z-Boys drive by two elderly women on the street] Kiss me, granny! Get me some of the vintage ass!

Donnie: She's uh, she's crazy, Jay.

Jay: That's why you love her... Right?

Jay: [after telling Stacy he didn't make the team] Sorry.

[Touches his chest]

Jay: What's that, huh?

Sid: [smoking medicinal marijuana] The, uh, doctor prescribes it now.

[hands him the joint]

Sid: Heard you were sick, too.

Jay: Hell, yeah.

Skip: [after Stacy received the Z-boys t-shirt at the diner] You earned it, bro...

Sid: Yeah, you're one of us now!

Jay: That maggot has always been one of us.

Skip: Yeah, wear it with pride, man.

Stacy: You know I will!

Skip: Hey, Stacey, that t-shirt will get you more titty than you ever dreamed of, man!

[laughs]

Kathy Alva: I got my boy covered, Skip.

[laughs]

Tony: This is our time, bros!

Jay: That's bullshit, bro. We surf and we skate every day. We get to do whatever we want.

Chino: Wear em with pride, man!

Jay: [nasally, mocking tone] Yeah, wear em with pride, man!

Chino: [grabs jay's shirt] Or we'll rip them off your bony little backs! You understand?

Jay: [scared look] Yeah...

Stacy: [Jay is rolling the window in Stacey's car up and down, breaks off the handle] Damn it, Jay! Do you know how much this is gonna cost me to fix? you're an idiot!

Jay: [gives friends a scared look] Sorry...

Jay: [talking to Kathy] Gimmie Kitty!

Stacy: [about starting his own team] i already have a logo.

Jay: A logo! Screw the team, I mean... You got a logo!

Jay: I'm too philosophical for this shit!

Roper: [singing] Well, I'm Rope a Dope. A proud Cherokee. I stay busy chopping girls' cherry trees. I'll show you my buns if the booze is free. Hands on the wheel and fondue my cheese. Hey, ladies, please pass me another. I'm not a rubber lover glover, I don't need no love buffer. I'ma do like Pete Ward and go undercover. Make a sister leave a brother. We goin' make a little trouble.

McReynolds: [exhales, speaking] You're the new guy?

Dale: [resuming song] Dale Douglas! Flier than a Cutlass Supreme. Southeast Texas Cherokees. We the team. Finn, me, and Coma. We got Mac in between. Number one position player. Make these girls wanna scream. Wakin' up in a dream. Lucid so sweet. We make you toothless. To put it plain and simple. We the cream of the crop. Cherokees are never leavin'... Douglas.

Willoughby: My name is Wiiloughby. I know the master plan. I got the sun and the stars in the palm of my hand. Carl Sagan knows the universe is eternal. I'm gonna burn this down till my brain's a kernel.

Finnegan: Dr. Finnegan, so epicurean. Indulge in the BMOC. There's only one thing bigger than my IQ. And it stops around my knee. Let me drop a Finnegism and make a Finnegasm. Expand the universe. Make it shudder and spasm. 'Cause when you party like a savage. Speak like a poet. You cha-chao before you even know it.

Brumley: [rapping in fast monotone] Hey, guys. The name's Alex Brumley. I'm gonna break it to you fresh. All the guys around here punch me. 'Cause they know that I'm the best. It's my first days of college. I'm just trying to fit in. So won't you come with me and please be my friend? Please?

Nesbit: Brumley, shut the fuck up!

[sings]

Nesbit: Now, I'm Nesbit. No shame with no game. I'm throwing money down the drain like no thing. The best in a-gambling. Nesbit's a-rambling. Submarine pitch. And the Mac can't handle it. Cherokee chow. Coo-coo-capow in Texas. With the cactus and cows. Amityville? More like Amity-vile. Sick to the bone but we come with style.

Coma: So they call Coma. Told the girl "hop on." Throwing cheers to my boys. 'Cause I'm a superstitious fella. Known to get a little drunk. But I'm here to make some noise.

Jay: Master plan for a higher man. Do it all wrong. Don't fuck it up to make it all right. Drink my cup. Schlong as long as the Nile's bong. Hit it, bitch, I'm 95 strong. I'm the raw dog. Rawest of raw. Four screwdrivers. One fat straw, baby!

Plummer: My name's Tyrone but they call me Plum. I call the whole game but they call me dumb. Beer for breakfast. My Cap'n Crunch. Spread your girl's legs and then I have lunch.

Jay: You're putting the pussy on a pedestal.

Jill: Are you Andy?

Andy Stitzer: Uh... yeah.

Jill: [holds up Jay's card] Is this yours? Did you write this stuff?

Jay: My girlfriend Jill found *your* speed dating card.

[raises his eyebrows]

Andy Stitzer: [Covering] Oh! Yeah... right. God, I've been looking for that speed dating card. Thank you so much for bringing it to me.

Jill: So you actually wrote that one girl looked like she was "hurtin' for a squirtin'"?

Andy Stitzer: [Stunned] Mmm-hmm... yeah, "hurtin' for a squirtin'". Yeah, I wrote that.

Jill: Oh, so you wrote, "ho fo' sho'".

Andy Stitzer: [Embarrassed] Yeah, I remember that girl. She was a ho... for sho'.

Jill: You are never going to meet anyone with that kind of mentality about women, you sick son of a bitch!

Andy Stitzer: Who the... Who the fuck are you to put me on trial? I've never even met you. So why don't you back the shit off, all right? And stop with the inquisition.

Jill: That's how you talk?

Andy Stitzer: You know what? I don't have to answer to you, you ain't my bitch! Know what I sayin'? So, shit, man... fuck it!

Jill: [to Jay] You shouldn't even be hanging out with this pervert.

Jay: I don't hang out with him! I work with him and that's it! I tried to introduce him to a few nice people, he made a fool of himself. I don't mess with him, baby. That's not me.

Andy Stitzer: You should keep your ho on a leash.

Jay: Oh, bro, I can't let you talk...

Andy Stitzer: Hey!

Jay: I can't let you be talking to my woman that way, dawg.

Andy Stitzer: Hey, hey! Bitch's running wild, man.

Smart Tech Customer: This shit just got real!

Jay: What are you gonna do, bitch?

Smart Tech Customer: I'll tell you what. You know Luca Perry from 20th and 25th?

Jay: You ever heard of rolling twenties, nigga? Since I was sixteen, nigga, I'm saying "frosty." You know what I'm saying? "Spoon", nigga. We fucked dwarves in the ass!

Smart Tech Customer: Nigga, this dwarf here don't got to be tall to pull a trigger off in somebody face!

Andy Stitzer: [walks up quickly] Good afternoon! Good afternoon! Welcome to Smart Tech. What can I help you with?

Smart Tech Customer: [points at Jay] Is this your boy?

Jay: Yeah, nigga, we will both mash you! What? What? Where you at?

Andy Stitzer: Hey, how can we help you, sir?

Jay: No, no, he don't need no help! He's already been served. I served him. He's taken care of. He's a little slow, but he got it. See, what he thought was he can come up here and make the rules. But now, he see that Jay make the rules at Smart Tech, that I run this bitch, and now he 'bout to bounce!

Smart Tech Customer: This your boy?

Jay: Yeah, nigga, that's my boy. We rep the same Smart Tech.

Smart Tech Customer: [points at Andy] You just got fucked up with him. Both ya'll niggas gonna get clapped up when I get back.

[pretends to shoot two guns at them]

Smart Tech Customer: Both ya'll niggas!

Andy Stitzer: What? What did I do?

Smart Tech Customer: It don't fucking matter!

Jay: Yeah, well, aim high, Willis. Aim high!

Smart Tech Customer: Wait, wait, wait, last thing, last thing. I'm also gonna need that extended warranty on it for the price of... on the house. Hmm?

Jay: That I can't do...

Smart Tech Customer: Now, don't be a negro, be my nigga. Help me out.

Jay: Whoa, whoa, whoa... I ain't nobody's nigga.

Smart Tech Customer: Well, you somebody's nigga, wearin this nigga tie.

Jay: Now you're being condescending, see? You've been warned, 'aight? Now, let's move forward amicably.

Smart Tech Customer: Well, 'aight, check this out, dawg. First of all, you throwin' too many big words at me, and because I don't understand them, I'm gonna take 'em as disrespect. Watch your mouth and help me with the sale.

Jay: Okay, see... see, now you found yourself a nigga. You was lookin' for a nigga? Nigga here now!

Jay: [to Mooj] Why you always telling me to go fuck a goat?

Mooj: [talking to a customer] This is a great TV. Nothing beats a plasma.

Jay: What are you doing? That's my customer.

Mooj: It certainly is not. When I came upon her, she was unattended

Jay: No, no, that's my... She was unattended because I went to the back to get the brochure she requested.

Mooj: I apologize, but it's too late. The transaction is completed.

Jay: Then you gonna give me half the commission.

Mooj: You will receive none of the commission.

Jay: I need to talk to Paula. This is crazy, man!

Mooj: This is bullshit! Every time I make a sale, you go crying to Paula. How about... how about Jesse Jackson? Oh, Jesse, he needs a call...

Jay: I'm sick of you poaching my customers.

Mooj: I'm sick of your crybaby bullshit!

Jay: You wanna take this shit outside? You wanna just take it outside and just squash it?

Mooj: Let's stay inside so everybody can see what a pussy you have, okay? Because when I remove the blade I keep in my boot from its sheath, I cannot return it until it has spilt blood.

Jay: Listen to me, listen to me! You are fucking with the wrong nigger.

Mooj: Hey, hey! You are fucking with the wrong sand nigger, okay?

Jay: I will hang your old ass by your turban!

Mooj: [Mooj has a very definite Indian accent] Oh, turban, now! Do you see any fucking turban here? Do I talk like a turban guy? Do I say, "Hey, Jay, you want a slurpee? You want a slurpee?" Fuck you, okay? I was born in Brooklyn. Brooklyn, okay? My accent is a fucking Brooklyn accent, okay? Okay?

Jay: All right, man. Calm down, dude! Look... you still covering my shift on Friday or what?

Mooj: If I can keep this commission... with pleasure.

Jay: Cool, man. All right, pops.

[They hug; Jay leaves]

Jay: [to Andy, in a bar] All you got to do is use your instincts. How do you think a lion knows to tackle a gazelle? It's written, it's a code written in his DNA, says, "Tackle the gazelle." And believe it or not, in every man there's a code written that says, "Tackle drunk bitches."

Jay: He sold his old toys for over half a million dollars! We gotta get some fucking toys!

Jay: Dude, it's not a big deal that you like to fuck guys. I'm cool, I got friends who fuck guys... in jail.

Jay: Nastiest shit you've ever done? I'm talkin' about *nasty*!

Andy Stitzer: Ahh... wow. So many stories are running through my head right now.

[pauses, then lies]

Andy Stitzer: I dated this girl for a while. She was really a... nasty freak. She just loved to get down with sex all the time. It was like... anytime of day, she was like, "Yeah, let's go! I'm so nasty!" And I'd be nailing her and she'd be like, "Oh, you're nailing me! Cool!"

Haziz: So tell me something Montell... Why were we not invited to your party? Are we Al Qaeda?

Jay: Whoa first of all it's not that kind of party.

Mooj: You know what? We are not coming to your fucking party okay? Fuck you! Go fuck a goat!

Jay: It's not that kind of party dawg

Mooj: Fuck you! Go fuck a goat

Jay: Hey why you always telling me to go fuck a goat man?

Mooj: [Yelling as he walks away] Fuck a goat!

Jay: [watching "Dawn of the Dead" on a number of giant-screen TVs in excitement] Fuck that nigga up!... Bitch, get out the room! BITCH, GET OUT THE ROOM!

Jay: Listen to me, listen to me. You're fucking with the wrong nigga!

Mooj: Hey, hey! You're fucking with the wrong sand nigga!

Andy Stitzer: This doesn't feel right.

Jay: Of course it don't feel right! What has felt right for you doesn't work! You need to try some wrong, dawg.

Jay: From now on, your dick is my dick. I'm gonna get you some pussy.

Jay: Andy, it's going down, partner. We're gonna be...

[moaning]

Jay: This for you, partner, this for you.

[Pans to video of girls in bathing suits]

Jay: Waves of them coming at you on Friday, Saturday. By Sunday, your nuts gonna be drained!

Andy Stitzer: Why'd you cheat on her?

Jay: [sobbing violently] Because I'm insecure! You can't tell?

Jay: [after seeing someone get slaughtered in a movie on the widescreen TV displays] Woah! Fuck that nigga up!

Jay: Wassup, dawg, what happened? How was the date with Trish?

Andy Stitzer: Oh, it was a disaster.

Cal: Really?

Andy Stitzer: Yes, I've never been more embarrassed in my life. I couldn't get the condoms to work, and one of them exploded on my balls. And then, her kid walked in the room...

Jay: Woah. Wait. Hold up. She was hiding the kid from you, dawg?

Andy Stitzer: You know what? It doesn't matter. Because it was goin' downhill straight from there.

Jay: Listen, you don't want no baby daddy drama. Trust me on this one, aight? For all you know, he in prison right now. Let's say y'all livin' together. Next thing you know, you the one gone on the first and the fifteenth, huh, to pick up the government check? What if he got boys that's on the outside? And they stalkin' you? See what I'm sayin? You gotta think, patna!

Andy Stitzer: What the fuck are you talking about?

[from trailer]

Robby: Who has sex for three hours?

Jay: We did!

Robby: That's the length of the movie "Lincoln". You did the full Lincoln.

[repeated lines]

Annie: I love fucking you.

Jay: I fucking love you.

Jay: Nobody understands the cloud.

Jay: Man, my balls are shaved, my pubes are trimmed, I'm ready to fuckin' rock this shit!

Jonah: What the fuck, man? If I go in there and see fuckin' pubes sprinkled on the toilet seat, I'm gonna fuckin' lose my mind! Last time I went to the bathroom, Jay, I took a shit and my shit looked like a fuckin' stuffed animal!

Jason: You stay here.

Martin: Why?

Jason: Cause your face looks like a vagina.

Martin: Dick!

Jonah: How's it going Crockett, been hanging with Tubbs lately?

Martin: Come on man, I'm getting it from all angles here, I really don't like it anymore.

Jonah: I know, me either. Was it weird when you changed your name from Cat Stevens to Yusef Islam?

Martin: Yeah, it was really awkward.

Jonah: All right, see you later Scorcese on coke.

Jay: [Makes a roar like Chewbacca from Star Wars]

Martin: What the fuck was that?

Jay: You know, Chewbacca.

Martin: Oh, another beard joke, fucking hilarious!

Jonah: We got pinkeye.

Ben Stone: Were you giving butterfly kisses or something?

Jason: Ha ha ha, very funny That's not how you get pinkeye. You get it from poo particles making their way into your ocular cavities.

Jay: Um, I farted on Jason's pillow as a practical joke. He farted on Jonah's, thinking it was mine, and then eventually pinkeyed my pillow. I'm not proud any of this, but I think we're all forgiven each other. Um, but we can't go anywhere.

Pete: You can get pinkeye from farting in a pillow?

Jonah: Totally!

Pete: That's awesome!

Jonah: Jesus, Martin got it bad. What, did someone take a dump on your eye?

Martin: No. No pinkeye for me. I'm just really... high.

Jay: Dude, I think he's doing the dice thing too much.

Jonah: That's really all he's got.

Jay: You're embarrassing me in company!

Jonah: You embarrass yourself!

Jay: Because your face looks like a vagina.

Jay: I'm going to be there to rear your child.

Jason: You hear that, Ben? Don't let him near the kid, he wants to rear your child!

Jay: Hey, you know I always

[makes masturbating motion]

Jay: go right.

Jonah: Right... into a dude's ass

Jay: [to Martin] That's the fun; you're supposed to be tempted into shaving.

[first lines]

Jay: I got to get off! I got to get off! Got to get off! Got to get off!

Jay: Gentlemen... start your boners.

[Jay is helping Sam get back into the dating scene]

Sam Baldwin: What is "tiramisu"?

Jay: You'll find out.

Sam Baldwin: Well, what is it?

Jay: You'll see!

Sam Baldwin: Some woman is gonna want me to do it to her and I'm not gonna know what it is!

Jay: Well, this is fate! She's divorced, we don't want to redo the cabinets, and you need a wife. What do they call it when everything intersects?

Sam Baldwin: The Bermuda Triangle.

Jay: Gunga Din is not a, a swatch kind of movie.

Indecisive Video Customer: They say so much, but they never tell you if it's any good. Are either one of these any good? Sir?

Randal Graves: What?

Indecisive Video Customer: Are either one of these any good?

Randal Graves: I don't watch movies.

Indecisive Video Customer: Well, have you heard anything about either one of them?

Randal Graves: I find it's best to stay out of other people's affairs.

Indecisive Video Customer: You mean you haven't heard anybody say anything about either one of these?

Randal Graves: Nope.

Indecisive Video Customer: [turns around, then shows Randal the same movies] Well, what about these two?

Randal Graves: Oh, they suck.

Indecisive Video Customer: These are the same two movies! You weren't paying any attention!

Randal Graves: No, I wasn't.

Indecisive Video Customer: I don't think your manager would appreciate it if...

Randal Graves: I don't appreciate your ruse, ma'am.

Indecisive Video Customer: I beg your pardon?

Randal Graves: Your ruse. Your cunning attempt to trick me.

Indecisive Video Customer: I was only pointing out that you weren't paying any attention to what I was saying.

Randal Graves: And I hope it feels good.

Indecisive Video Customer: You hope *what* feels good?

Randal Graves: I hope it feels so good to be right. There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?

Indecisive Video Customer: Well, this is the last time I rent here.

Randal Graves: You'll be missed.

Indecisive Video Customer: Screw you!

[leaves]

Randal Graves: [runs to the door] Hey! You're not allowed to rent here anymore!

Jay: [outside; has no idea what's going on] Yeah!

[after losing a hockey ball from the roof]

Dante Hicks: Are there any balls down there?

Jay: About the biggest pair you ever seen, dingleberry!

Olaf Oleeson: [singing] My love for you is like a truck, BERZERKER! Would you like some making fuck, BERZERKER!

Jay: [snickering] That's fucking funny, man.

Jay's Lady Friend: Did he say "making fuck"?

Jay: Yeah. Silent Bob, you're a rude motherfucker, you know that? But you're cute as hell. I could go down on you, suck you, line up three other guys, make like a circus seal.

[Jay makes a rude head gesture and car horn honks]

Jay: Ewww, you fucking faggot, I hate guys. I LOVE WOMEN!

Jay: I feel good today, Silent Bob, we're gonna make some money, then you know what we're going to do? We're gonna go to that party, we're gonna get some pussy, and I'm gonna fuck this bitch, I'll fuck this bitch, I'll fuck ANYTHING THAT MOVES!

[to a man passing by on a bicycle just off screen]

Jay: Yo, what the fuck you lookin' at? I'll kick your fuckin' ass! Shit yeah.

[to Silent Bob]

Jay: Doesn't that mother fucker owe me 10 bucks? You know, fuckin' tonight, we're gonna rip off this fucker's head, and tear out his fuckin' soul. Remind me if he tries to buy something, I'm gonna shit in the motherfucker's bag.

[to two women in a passing car just off screen]

Jay: Hey, what's up babes? What's up, sluts?

Jay: [singing] Noinch, Noinch, Noinch, Schmokin Weed, Schmokin' Weed, Doin' Coke, Drinkin' Beers...

Jay: I dunno dude, that Caitlin chick's nice, but I've seen that Veronica girl doing shit for you all the time. I saw her rubbing your back, fucking comes and brings you food. Didn't I see her change your tire once?

Dante Hicks: Hey-hey, you know, I jacked up the car, all she did was unloosen the nuts and put the tire on.

Jay: I dunno, she does a lot for you.

Dante Hicks: She's my girlfriend.

Jay: I had some girlfriends too, but all they wanted from me is weed and shit. Shit my grandmother used to say 'What's better, fuckin', a good plate with nothin' on it... ' no wait I fucked up. 'What's a good plate with nothing on it?'

Dante Hicks: Meaning?

Jay: I dunno, she was senile and shit, she used to fuckin' piss herself all the time, and shit herself. Come on, Silent Bob, lets get the fuck out of this fucking jip joint, with this fucking faggot Dante, you cock smoker!

Dante Hicks: How many times have I told you not to be dealing in front of the store?

Jay: I'm not dealin', man. What you talkin' about?

Burner Looking for Weed: Hey, you got anything, man?

Jay: Yeah, what you want?

Jay: I don't care if she's my cousin or not, I'm gonna knock those boots again tonight.

[about Silent Bob's Russian Cousin]

Jay's Lady Friend: He only speaks Russian?

Jay: Naw, he speaks some English, but he can't all speak it good like we do.

Dante Hicks: Just go. Just go open the video store!

Jay: Yeah! Open the video store!

Randal Graves: Shut the fuck up, junkie!

Jay: Pack o' wraps, my brotherman, time to kick back, drink some beers and shmoke some weed!

Jay: Hey what you want, Grizzly Adams?

Jay: Olaf, what part of Russia you from?

Olaf Oleeson: Moscow.

Jay: Oh man, how come it's always the ugly chicks that stay out late?

Winifred Sanderson: [Winnie, Sarah and Mary stop, turn and glare at the boys] Chicks?

Jay: So let's have a butt.

Max: No thanks, I don't smoke.

Ernie "Ice": They're very health conscious in Los Angeles.

[Jay and Ice laugh]

Jay: You got any cash Hollywood?

Max: No.

Ernie "Ice": Gee, we don't get any smokes from you. We don't get any cash. What am I supposed to do with my afternoon?

Max: Maybe you could learn to breathe through your nose.

Jay: [laughs but stops as Ice offensively glares at him]

Jay: So, where're you from?

Max: Los Angeles.

[Jay and Ice look at him with confused looks]

Max: L.A.

Jay: [Finally getting it] Oh, dude!

Ernie "Ice": Tubular.

Jay: [with a tree filled full of numerous rolls of toilet paper in the background] You want to smash some pumpkins?

Ernie "Ice": No.

Jay: Well then, do you want to look in windows and watch babes undress?

Ernie "Ice": It's 3am. They're undressed already.

Jay: [throws another roll of toilet paper] Well then, you think of something!

Ernie "Ice": [grumpy eating candy] Look, I don't feel so hot.

Jay: It's because you're eating too much candy, you oinker!

[hits Ice causing him to drop a piece of candy he was eating]

[Jay and Silent Bob are hiding from La Fours]

Jay: Is he gone?

Brodie: Halfway to Buy Me Toys by now.

[they come out of hiding]

Jay: Man, that bastard's faster than Walt Flanagan's dog...

[the videotape of Shannon back-dooring Trica is playing on the big screen, with cheesy 70s porno music in background]

Shannon Hamilton: Yeah, who's your favourite New Kid. Yeah, call me Joey. Oh, come on. Don't make me get loose. Yeah, that's right. Call me Donnie. Oh, girl. Oh, please don't go girl.

Jay: Goddamn. This is one wacky game show.

Brodie: [to the cops] Hey! That girl's only 15!

[cops focus their attention on Shannon]

Shannon Hamilton: Ah, 15. I thought she was 36!

[cops are approaching him]

Shannon Hamilton: Come on, guys. Tell me you wouldn't have popped her.

Jay: Shit, bitch, we're gonna bust up that stage like a high school kegger. We're just gonna outwit Lafours, X-Men style.

Brodie: Should I call you Logan, Weapon-X?

Jay: No, *Wolverine*! Shnickty shnickty shnoine!

Brodie: See, what he's doing is imitating Wolverine's berserker attack with his adamantium claws.

T.S. Quint: I never would have guessed.

[after hitting La Fours over the head with a baseball bat]

Jay: Come son of Jor-El, kneel before Zod! Snootchie-bootchies. Ehehehehe!

Jay: [as Silent Bob is 'flying' across the mall towards the stage] Fly, Fatass, fly!

[beating up the Easter Bunny]

Jay: This is for Brodie!

Bob Summers: Our first suitor goes to Marymount College where he majors in economics. Say hi to Doug Paging!

Jay: DO IT DOUG!

Jay: Silent Bob here's an electrical genius. He won the science fair in eighth grade by turning his mom's vibrator into a CD player using some chicken wire and shit. The mother fucker's like MacGyver. No, the mother fucker's *better than* MacGyver.

T.S. Quint: How much did you smoke?

Jay: All it took was a phat, chronic blunt. These guys were lightweights.

T.S. Quint: How much do I owe you?

Jay: My treat. As long as you promise that the next time you pop your old lady, you make her call you "Jay." Snootchie Bootchies.

T.S. Quint: Let's hope there is a next time.

Jay: You're fucking kidding me! The Easter bunny did this?

Brodie: All I said was that the Easter bunny at the Menlo Park mall was more convincing and he just jumped the railing and knocked me down.

Jay: He's fucking dead!

Brodie: Oh let it go, he's under a lot of pressure.

[T.S. and Gwen approach them]

T.S. Quint: What the hell happened?

Jay: The guy in the Easter bunny suit kicked his ass.

Brodie: I had it coming.

Jay: [to Silent Bob] Fuck all that shit! Come on, Silent Bob.

[Jay and Silent Bob leave]

T.S. Quint: What really happened?

Brodie: The proprietor of Fashionable Male beat a raincheck into my stomach.

Gwen: Shannon Hamilton?

T.S. Quint: You know that guy?

Gwen: I went out with him once after we dated. He tried to screw me some place very uncomfortable.

T.S. Quint: What? Like the back of a Volkswagen?

Brodie: Sounds like his M.O.

T.S. Quint: [to Jay and Silent Bob] You two up for getting stoned?

Jay: Look who you're asking!

Brodie: You know about this game show they got goin' on here? We need you guys to somehow ensure that it doesn't happen.

Jay: Is that it? We were gonna do that anyway.

Brodie: Really? Why?

Jay: What else are we gonna do?

Jay: [after Silent Bob 'moves' a videotape with his mind] The Jedi mind trick! Holy shit, motherfuckin' Yoda and shit!

Jay: Bye baby kitties. Damn Silent Bob, show some heart.

Jay: Where do you get these wonderful toys?

[c.f. [link=tt0096895]]

Jay: [to Willam, who's struggling to see a Sailboat in the Magic-Eye picture] What you need is a fatty-boom-batty blunt! And I guarantee you'll be seeing a sailboat, an ocean, and maybe even some of those big-tittied mermaids doing some of that lesbian shit! Look at me, look at me, you sloppy bitch!

[Jay is reading a Hustler. He shows a spread to Silent Bob]

Jay: Dude, this one looks like your mom.

[Silent Bob nods]

[Jay explains the details of Operation Drive By to Silent Bob]

Jay: Phase one: First you take a run at La Fours with a sock full of quarters. I'd do it, but I pulled my back at humping your mom last night. Nootch! Okay, you clock him on his headpiece and knock his ass out cold. That's when phase two kicks in. I attack the structure Wolvie Berzerk style, and knock out the fuckin' pin and bickety bam, the motherfucker is rubble. Hence, no game show.

[Jay explains the details of Operation Dark Knight to Silent Bob]

Jay: Okay Lunchbox, let's try this again. We tie you to the roof and you jump off and sail like a Spitfire passing right over the arch nemesis La Fours. You then swing up to the stage and knock out the pin. And when that's gone the stage is trashed and we go smoke a bowl. You got it? Now get your fat ass up there. And dude, don't forget your helmet. Snoogens.

[Silent Bob is trying to levitate a cigarette]

T.S. Quint: What's he doing?

Jay: Shithead here watched Empire and Jedi last week and ever since then, he's been trying to do the Jedi mind trick. The crazy fuck thinks he can levitate shit with his thoughts.

[slaps the cigarette out of Silent Bob's hand]

Jay: Knock it off!

Brodie: [to Silent Bob] The force is strong with this one.

Jay: Dude, don't encourage him.

Jay: Silent Bob stole the schematics from some foolish carpenter and found a weakness just like the fucking Death Star. You knock this crossbeam out and, fuckin' bickety-bam, the whole stage comes crashing down.

Brodie: Well we were thinking of something simple, but hey, if you want to destroy the stage, we're all for that.

Jay: Dude, you'se a mad chick magnet.

Jay: [Referring to Silent Bob] Human brown-eye here's a walking calamity. We're going to have to pass on this stage trashing business, otherwise he's liable to kill himself.

Brodie: Hey guys, you'll never guess who I just met.

[looks at the two suitors on the floor off camera]

Brodie: What happened to these two?

Jay: Power of the dark side.

T.S. Quint: Wait a minute. There's only two. There's supposed to be three! What happened to the third guy?

Jay: I never saw a third guy.

[Gil enters and looks down at the two on the floor; both he and Brodie take an instant dislike to each other]

Gil Hicks: What happened to these two?

T.S. Quint: Um... they got light headed.

Jay: You got that right.

Gil Hicks: So, what's going to happen now? They going to cancel the show?

Brodie: What do you care, asshole?

Gil Hicks: I'm supposed to be on it. I'm Gil Hicks, Suitor Number Three.

T.S. Quint: We're gonna take their places. Hi. I'm T.S. Quint, this is my friend Brodie Bruce.

Gil Hicks: Hey, didn't Svenning have you arrested?

Brodie: [belligerent] Look man, don't give him any shit!

Gil Hicks: Something's going on here. Where's Mr. Svenning?

Roddy: [enters] Mr. Svenning has come down with a sudden case of depheria.

[looks down at the two guys on the floor]

Roddy: What happened to these two?

Jay: The homeboys got a case of the mad munchies!

Gil Hicks: [points to T.S] Hey, Roddy Roddy, isn't this the guy that Svenning had arrested?

Roddy: Why yes it is. All right Quint, I don't know how you got back in here, but we're postponing the start of the show until I call Mr. Svenning. You've brought down the fire, well now you've got it! Security!

Brodie: Hey, Roddy!

[Brody puches Roddy out]

Security Guard: [enters] Somebody call security? What happened here?

Brodie: Oh, these two guys got stonned and knocked this guy out. I think he needs medical attention.

Gil Hicks: That's not what happ...

[Brody stomps on Gil's foot, silencing him]

T.S. Quint: Yeah, could you get him and these two guys out of here? The show's about to start.

Security Guard: Whatever.

Brodie: [to Gil] Look asshole, just go out there with us and behave, and you'll be just fine.

[to Jay]

Brodie: Jay, when Tricia shows up here with a video tape, you give it to Silent Bob.

Jay: Check. Say, where is that tubby bitch?

Jay: All you motherfuckers are gonna pay. You are the ones who are the ball-lickers. We're gonna fuck your mothers while you watch and cry like little, whiny bitches. Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax fucks who is makin' the movie... we're gonna make them eat our shit, then shit out our shit, and then eat their shit that's made up of our shit that we made 'em eat. Then you're all you motherfucks are next. Love- Jay and Silent Bob.

Jay: What are you trying to say? Just say it already.

Silent Bob: [screams] THE SIGN on the back of the car said "Critters Of HOLLYWOOD", YOU DUMB FUCK!

Jay: Say it, don't spray it.

[deleted scene]

Hooker #1: Hey, little man! You want some of this?

Hooker #2: How 'bout you, big boy?

Hooker #1: You got 50 bucks, we can get NASTY.

Jay: Oh, yeah? How nasty?

Hooker #2: As nasty as you want to be, papi.

Jay: Oh, all right. Well, first, I want you to tongue my bung, while you juggle my balls in one hand, and play with my asshole with the other, but don't stick you're finger in. Then I want to pinky you while I stick in your fuckin' friend's brown, while Silent Bob watches, and fuckin' spanks it in a Dixie cup. After that, I want to smell your titties for a while, and you can pull my nutsack up over my dick so it looks like a bullfrog. Then I want you to fuckin' flick my nuts while your friend spanks me off in the same Dixie cup that Silent Bob jizzed in. Then, we throw the Dixie cup out.

[stunned silence]

Hooker #1: Oh, that's it, honey! I quit! This job just passed the point of no return!

[both hookers leave]

Jay: What? You said "nasty"!

[to Silent Bob]

Jay: Man, chicks in Hollywood are so stuck-up.

Holden: If the buzz is any indicator, that movie's gonna make some huge bank.

Jay: What buzz?

Holden: The Internet buzz.

Jay: What the fuck is the Internet?

Holden: The Internet is a communication tool used the world over where people can come together to bitch about movies and share pornography with one another.

Jay: [singing] Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, / Mother, mother fuck, / Mother, mother fuck, fuck / Mother fuck, mother fuck, / Noise noise noise, / 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4, / Noise, noise noise / Smokin' weed, smokin' wizz, / Doin' coke, drinkin' beers, / Drinkin' beers, beers, beers, / Rollin' fattys, smokin' blunts, / Who smokes the blunts? / We smoke the blunts. / Rollin' blunts and smokin'...

Teen #2: Uh, let me get a nickel bag.

Jay: [singing] / Fifteen bucks, little man, / Put that shit in my hand, / If that money doesn't show, / Then you owe me, owe me, owe, / My jungle love, yeah, / Owe-ee, owe-ee, owe, / I think I want to know ya, know ya, / Yeah, what?

Teen #1: What the hell are you singing?

Jay: You don't know "Jungle Love?" That shit is the mad notes. Written by God herself and sent down to the greatest band in the world: The mother-fucking Time.

Teen #2: You mean the guys in that Prince movie?

[Silent Bob points to the two teens]

Teen #1: Yeah, Purple Rain.

Teen #2: Man, that shit was so gay - fucking eighties style.

Jay: I am the master of the C.L.I.T. Remember this fucking face. Whenever you see C.L.I.T., you'll see this fucking face. I make that shit work. It does whatever the fuck I tell it to. No one rules the C.L.I.T like me. Not this little fuck

[referring to Silent Bob]

Jay: , none of you little fucks out there. I AM THE C.L.I.T. COMMANDER! Remember that, commander of all C.L.I.T.s! When it comes down to business, this is what I do. I pinch it like this. OOH you little fuck. Then I rub my nose with it.

Jay: Do they say who's fuckin' playing us in the movie?

Holden: No, but it's Miramax. So I'm sure it'll be Ben Affleck and Matt Damon. They put those guys in a bunch of movies.

Jay: Who?

Holden: You know, those kids from Good Will Hunting?

Jay: You mean that fuckin' movie with Mork from Ork in it?

Holden: Yeah, I wasn't a big fan either... but Affleck was the bomb in "Phantoms".

Jay: Word, bitch, Phantoms like a motherfucker.

Holden: What's up now.

Shannen Doherty: Fucking Miramax! Cut!

Wes Craven: Shannen, I usually say cut.

Shannen Doherty: A monkey? Wes? Jesus, you're not even trying anymore are you?

Wes Craven: The Market research says that people love monkeys.

[Jay and Silent Bob run in and grab the monkey]

Jay: WE LOVE THIS MONKEY!

[to a crew member]

Jay: Do something.

Wes Craven: See?

Jay: Hey, wait a second! Aren't you the guy who fucked the pie!

Jason Biggs: You see! It's never "Hey! You're that guy from Loser" or "Hey you rocked in Boys and Girls." No, it always comes back to that fucking pie! I'm HAUNTED by it!

James Van Der Beek: You put your dick in a pie!

Sissy: Since you let our patsy slip away, you gotta convince the little kid and the fat guy to take his place. They gotta break into Provasik now.

Justice: Uh-uh.

Sissy: Uh-huh. You'll do it, or you're out of the gang, Justice. Just use the little one's crush on you to convince him, since he's SO fucking in love with you.

Justice: Jay? No, he's not.

Sissy: What am I, blind? He wasn't kissing your hand in the back of the van like he was fucking Lord Byron?

Justice: Well, maybe he just has manners.

[cut to Jay outside, hollering at a woman walking past him]

Jay: Yo, baby, you ever had your asshole licked by a fat man in an overcoat?

[he turns to Silent Bob, who stares at him in shock]

Jay: Yeeaah...!

Banky: Stop the movie? Are you crazy?

Jay: All these assholes on the Internet are callin' us names because of this fuckin' stupid movie.

Banky: That's what the Internet's for, slandering others anonymously! Stopping the flick isn't gonna stop that!

Jay: This isn't fair! We came to Hollywood, I fell in love. Fuckin' we stole a monkey, we got shot at, and I got punched in the motherfuckin' nuts by a guy named Cockknocker!

Banky: You know what? I feel for you boys, I really do. But Miramax - you know, Miramax Films - paid me a shitload of money for "Bluntman and Chronic." So it occurs to me that people badmouthing you on some website is NONE OF MY FUCKING CONCERN!

Silent Bob: Oh, but I think it is. We had a deal with you on the comics, remember? For likeness rights? And as we're not only the artistic basis, but also obviously the character basis for your intellectual property, "Bluntman and Chronic," when said property was optioned by Miramax Films, you were legally obliged to secure our permission to transfer the concept to another medium. As you failed to do that, Banky, you are in breach of the original contract. Ergo, you find yourself in a VERY actionable position.

[Banky stares at Silent Bob in disbelief]

Jay: Yeah.

Banky: You guys are gonna ruin my movie career.

Jay: Well, we want somethin' for our mental anguish.

Banky: Tell you what: let's settle this monetarily. I'll give you half of what I make.

[Silent Bob's eyes widen in surprise]

Jay: [eagerly] Half?

Banky: Half's not enough? Fine, I'll give you two-thirds of what I make.

Jay: Fuck you, you already said half. You can't take it back.

[Silent Bob rolls his eyes]

Banky: Done.

[they smile and shake hands as Silent Bob shakes his head]

Jay: Affleck, you the *bomb* in Phantoms yo!

[last lines]

Jay: [clears throat] And I'll be, like, "What, you don't know fuckin' Jay and Silent Bob? The fuckin' mack daddys of fuckin' Jersey?" And she'll be, like, "Oh, I've read on the Internet that you's guys are a couple of little

[emphatically to Silent Bob]

Jay: fuckholes!"

[both laugh]

[several security guards, led by Gordon, have suddenly rushed onto the set of Good Will Hunting 2: Hunting Season]

Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: Sorry to interrupt sirs, but we've got a 10-07 on our hands.

Matt Damon: [exasperated] Oh Jesus, again Ben?

Ben Affleck: [cocky] No, bullshit, because I wasn't WITH a hooker today, ha-HA!

Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: There they are!

Jay: Affleck, you the bomb in "Phantoms", yo!

Jay: In a world gone mad, we will not spank the monkey, but the monkey will spank us.

Jay: What's twistin' this bitches tit?

Justice: Maybe it's because girls don't like to be called bitches, Jay.

Jay: They don't? How 'bout "fine piece of ass"?

Justice: How about not.

Jay: Then what the fuck am I supposed to call you?

Justice: Something sweet, ya big goof. Something nice.

Jay: Boo boo kitty fuck?

Justice: That's... a start.

James Van Der Beek: [about "Dawson's Creek"] You actually watch that show?

Jay: Yeah, for Joey, man. She is too fine. Did you ever get to 3rd base with her?

James Van Der Beek: Well, actually there was this one time...

Jay: Why do they call you Cock-Knocker?

Cock-Knocker: Actually, there's a funny story behind that. Ha, ha, you're gonna love this. True story!

[punches Jay in the crotch]

Sissy: Shut the fuck up, before I shoot you where you stand in your pansy red booties.

Jay: [Looks down] I *AM* wearing pansy red booties

[Looks at Silent Bob]

Jay: Why the fuck didn't you tell me?

Jay: Yo lunchbox, hurry it up.

Missy: Oh my god, he just called Sissy 'Juggs'.

Chrissy: I'm on it.

[pulls out knife]

Jay: What's with the knife, we havin' cake or something?

Chrissy: Great, he's retarded to boot.

Jay: [to Silent Bob] Dude, she called you retarded.

Jay: Don't you never say an unkind word about the Time! Me and Silent Bob modeled our whole fucking lives around Morris Day and Jerome. I'm a smooth pimp who loves the pussy. And Tubby here is my black man servant. What?

Assistant Director(GWH 2): Okay, you two. Just stand there, and react. Don't say anything!

[Points to Silent Bob]

Assistant Director(GWH 2): Especially you.

Jay: [to Silent Bob] That's pretty funny.

Jay: Tickets? Since when did they start charging for the bus? Didn't we used to ride that shit to school every morning for free?

Jay: It's a Miramax flick. We gotta bust up some people who were calling us names on the internet, even thought they're not really talking about us but characters based on us, and at the same time find my ex-girlfriend-who-was-killed-by-a-car-explosion's monkey.

Pumpkin Escobar: Man... I don't know what the FUCK you just said, Little Kid, but you're special man, you reached out, and you touch a brother's heart.

Jay: Hey, lawdog.

Whillenholly: [Willenholly realizes Jay & Silent Bob didn't jump] Hey!

Jay: See you in hell, cocksmoker!

Whillenholly: Aww, Fuck Meeeee!.

Jay: So, you think I could get a little kiss for good luck?

[Justice kisses him passionately]

Jay: Think I could get a little blow job for good luck?

Justice: No. Go.

Jay: Fuck.

[Silent Bob tries to get a good luck of his own]

Jay: Get off my Kool-Aid motherfucka!

Jay: So all we's gotta do is stop this fuckin' movie from getting made!

Holden: Yeah, and forego the hundreds of thousands of dollars you would be entitled to in the process. What are you, fucking retarded? I mean, I don't think I'm alone in the world in imagining this flick may be the worst idea since Greedo shooting first. You know it, but... a Jay and Silent Bob movie? Feature length? Who'd pay to see that?

[Holden, Jay, and Bob look into the camera]

Hitchhiker: [explaining why he gives head for rides] Have you seen the price of bus tickets lately. There's no way I'm gonna cough up 200 bucks just to get to Chicago.

Jay: Fuck that, I don't wanna cough up some dude's sperm.

Hitchhiker: Don't be so suburban. It's the new millennium. Gay, straight... it's all the same now. There are no more lines.

Brodie: Oh my God. Don't tell me you have no idea there's a movie being made of the comic you two were the basis for.

Jay: What? Since when?

Brodie: See, here's the pulse. And this is your finger, far away from the pulse, jammed straight up your ass. Say, would you like a chocolate covered pretzel?

Willenholly: Put the monkey down, and your hands up. Let's go, misters. Do you want to get shot? I didn't think so.

Jay: Look, man. She doesn't want to go back to the lab. And for the record, I ain't gay.

Willenholly: And for the record, while we're one the subject, I knew that wasn't a real little boy.

Jay: And for one more record, he does love the cock.

Jay: Holy fuck, is that monkey waving at us? Oh, shit, It understood us! Maybe it's some kind of supermonkey. What if there's more supermonkeys up at that lab?

[shouts]

Jay: What if they're creating an army of them? Holy shit. It must be a conspiracy like in the X-Files... *Roswell* style! This little monkey could be the fuckin' damn dirty ape responsible for the fall of the human race. In this world gone mad, we won't spank the monkey- the monkey will spank us. And after the fall of man, these monkey fucks'll start wearing our clothes and rebuilding the world in their image. Oh and only those as super smart as me will be left alive to bitterly cry - *you maniacs*! Damn yous! Goddamn yous all to hell!

Jay: Dude, I think I just filled the cup.

Jay: Miramax? I thought they only did classy pictures, like "The Piano" and "The Crying Game".

Brodie: Yeah, but then they made "She's All That" and it went downhill from there.

Jay: [after tossing Brent out of the van] Now who's stupid, you dirty sheep fucker?

Brent: I would *never* fuck a sheep!

[sees a sheep in a nearby field]

Brent: Hey there. How you doing?

[reaches for a condom]

Brent: I *love* animals.

[goes for the sheep]

Jay: So your in this for the pussy right?

Brent: No, I'm in this because I LOOOVE animals, stupid?

Jay: Even Sheep?

Brent: Of course. Sheep are beautiful creatures.

Jay: So would you fuck a sheep?

Brent: What is your damage, little boy. You have a sick and twisted world perspective.

Jay: No, you're misunderstaning me, Prince Valiant. I'm saying if you were a sheep, would you fuck a sheep, if you were another sheep?

Brent: Well, in that case, you bet your sweet ass I would.

Jay: Thought so.

[Yelling]

Jay: Yo, this motherfucker ain't one of us. He said he'd fuck a sheep!

Brent: No! No! No!

Jay: [Throws Brent out the door of the van, flips him off as he's looking out the door as they're still driving] WHO'S STUPID NOW, DIRTY SHEEP FUCKER!

Jay: Just call me Darth Balls... Bong.

Jay: [after pulling a very long pube out of his teeth] Eew, man, she had '70s bush. Damn second rule in that book should be: "Trim that shit".

[Silent Bob gets stuck in an open sewer pipe]

Jay: Just like Winnie the Pooh.

Jay: Hey, I'll make you a deal - this guy

[points to Silent Bob]

Jay: will suck your dick off if you let us go.

Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: Contrary to what you believe, not everyone in Hollywood is a homosexual.

Jay: How about this deal- he'll suck my dick while you watch and jerk off.

Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: Alright.

[takes Jay and Silent Bob behind a wall, out of sight]

Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: Make it fast and sexy.

Jay: [to Silent Bob] It's either this or jail. And you know what they do to you in jail.

Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: I was a guard. Alright, and after it's all over, you say "Ooh, what a lovely tea party".

Jay: I hope one rips the other one's shirt off and we see some fuckin titties floppin around, yeah!

Jay: [the monkey has been put into a car] Man, who the fuck steals monkeys?

Silent Bob: [Points to Jay and himself]

Jay: Oh yeah...

Justice: Hi, I'm Justice.

Jay: And I'm so fucking yours.

[Justice is almost repulsed when Jay makes a quick save]

Jay: Oh, Hi, I'm Jay and this is my hetero-life-mate, Silent Bob.

Justice: It's nice to meet you.

Jay: Justice, that's a nice name...

[aside]

Jay: Jay and Justice sitting in a tree, f-u-c-k-i-n-g...

[the Scooby gang are arguing amongst themselves]

Jay: Yo! You guys need to turn those frowns upside down. And I got just the thing for that.

[pulls out a bag of rolled up joints]

Jay: We call them... Doobie Snax.

[Jay and Silent Bob are hitchhiking on a road late at night]

Jay: I can't belive this shit. Five hours and not a single ride. Every day people hitch to Hollywood to stop studios from making films about 'em, but when you and me try it, it's like we're trapped in a fuckin' cartoon.

[the Mystery Machine van from the Scooby Doo cartoons pulls up alongside Jay and Silent Bob]

Whillenholly: Sorry, Justice. We've gotta go.

[to Jay]

Whillenholly: Hey, stop stealing monkeys.

Jay: Fuck you.

Whillenholly: Fair enough.

Justice: If I go to prison will you wait for me?

Jay: Hmm, I don't know. Will you fuck me when you get out?

[Justice kisses him passionately]

Jay: Don't change the subject. Will you fuck me when you get out?

Justice: Snoogans.

[Goes back to kissing Jay]

Whillenholly: And might I add, that is one fine looking boy you are raising.

Jay: Hell yeah, that's because he's from my sperm. See, I knocked up this hot woman friend of ours that I fuck on the side so as to not be all the way gay, but my tubby husband here is 100% queer. He LOVES the cock.

Jay: If today is Tuesday and the movie starts filming on Friday, we have...

[counting his fingers, holds up ten]

Jay: ...eight days.

Holden: Uh, three by my count, but close.

Jay: Right. My bad. Three days to stop that fucking movie from getting made. Come on, Silent Bob. We're going to Hollywood!

[singing outside the Stop N Go]

Jay: I'm gonna finger-bang her tight little asshole / Finger-bang and tea-bag my balls / Where, where, in her mouth / Balls a-plenty in her mouth / Balls Balls Sweaty Balls

Jay: And I can't believe fine-ass bitches like yourselves eat that shit. Don't you know fast food makes girls fart?

Brent: [getting into the van] Say, what's all this talk about farting?

Fred: [Jay and Silent Bob have hitched a ride with The Mystery Machine] Great now we solve the mystery of the hitchhiking ghouls. Pull off their masks and let's see who they really are

Velma: I don't think they are masks

Daphne: And I don't think they're hitchhiking girls either

Velma: Ghouls you fuckin' moron. Not girls

Shaggy: The only real mystery here is why we take our cues from a dick in a neckerchief

Fred: [Grabs Shaggy by the collar] Keep it up beatnik. I'll feed you to the fucking dog.

Daphne: [yells] I can't take all this fighting

Jay: Yo! Youse guys need to turn those frowns upside down.

[He pulls out a bag of marijuana joints]

Jay: We call 'em doobie snacks

Jay: What the fuck are you talking about?

Brent: Hey! Watch the language, little boy!

Jay: [to Silent Bob after being hit below the belt by Cocknocker] Whoaaa... avenge me... Hemp Knight.

Jay: Zoinks, yo.

Fred: Now we can finally solve the mystery of the hitchhiking ghouls. Pull of their masks and let's see who they really are!

Velma: I don't think they are masks.

Daphne: And I don't think that they're hitchhiking girls either.

Velma: GHOULS, you fuckin' moron, not girls! I wish they were hitchhiking girls- sexy hitchhiking girls.

Fred: Let's kick 'em out! We've got a mystery to solve!

Shaggy: The only mystery here is why we take our cues from a dick in a neckerchief!

Fred: Keep it up, beatnik, I'll feed ya to the fuckin' dog!

Daphne: I CAN'T TAKE ALL THIS FIGHTING!

Jay: YO! Youse guys need to turn those frowns upside down, and I got just the thing for that... we call it... DOOBIE SNACKS!

Jay: Ladies, Ladies, Ladies, Jay and Silent Bob are in the hizzouse!

Jay: Zoinks, yo!

Jay: Hey. Get the fuck off her. That's my ex-girlfriend's monkey.

Justice: Wait for me.

Jay: What, here?

[Jay tries to talk his way out of a drug bust]

Jay: What? I've got a wiping problem. I just stick those little pieces up my brown-eye and bam! I get no stains in my undies. What you don't believe me? Check this shit out. Spread my cheeks, so he can see the fucking stink nuggets!

Jay: Die, you super-monkey fuck.

Banky: Well, you're rich, you're in love

[to Jay]

Banky: Well, *you're* in love. And you've both got your own monkey. What more could two guys from New Jersey want?

Jay: Well, to have all these fucks stop talking shit about us on the Internet.

Banky: What've I been telling you? There's nothing you can do about it. Unless you show up at all their houses and beat the shit out of them.

Jay: [to Silent Bob] I said you LOVE the cock. I must be the craftiest motherfucker alive.

Jay: Man, who the fuck steals a monkey?

[Silent Bob points at the two of them]

Jay: Oh, yeah.

Jay: [singing] I can't believe I'm gonna get some pussy for stealin' the monkey.

[laughs]

Jay: Stealin' the little monkey. Man, if I woulda known that, I would have been stealin' monkeys since I was like, seven and shit.

Jay: You know, maybe one night me and Lunch Box are out we're mackin' some chick and shit, and she's, like, "Ooh, I want to suck youse guys' dicks off," and she's, like, "What your names?" And I'm, like, "Jay and Silent Bob." Reco'nize. And she's like, "Oh, I've read on the Internet that fuckin' youse guys are a couple of little fuckin' jerkoffs." And then she goes and sucks two other guys' dicks off instead. Well, FUCK that.

Jay: What the fuck are you bitches babbling about?

Brent: Hey! Watch the language, little boy!

Jay: So what can a smooth pimp daddy like myself do to help the animals?

Justice: Oh... you REALLY don't wanna help us.

Jay: The fuck you talkin' about? Sure, I do. I'd do anything for you.

[Justice smiles at him]

Jay: I mean youse guys, I'd do anything for youse guys, 'cause for the lift and shit.

Justice: Okay. Well, um, let me just talk to the other girls and get back to you.

Jay: Yeah, you do that. I'll be right here waitin'.

[he kisses Justice's hand romantically; she smiles and moves to the front of the van. Jay looks at Silent Bob and smirks, but Bob mockingly imitates Jay's move. Jay slaps his face]

Jay: Fuck you, fatty.

[while trying to get comfortable at an unfamiliar gas station]

Jay: Just isn't the same, is it?

[Silent Bob shakes his head]

Jay: This place licks balls compared to the Quick Stop. Speakin' of lickin' balls, man, how 'bout that Justice chick? She is TOO fine! And she smells SO fuckin' pretty. She has a nice voice, too. And that body? Fuckin' smokin'! You know, she didn't tell me to fuck off once when I was talkin' to her, or pull out the fuckin' pepper spray or anything. You know, Lunchbox... she could be the one.

Silent Bob: So there's me and Amy, and we're all inseparable, right? Just big time in love. And then four months down the road, the idiot gear kicks in, and I ask about the ex-boyfriend. Which, as we all know, is a really dumb move. But you know how it is: you don't wanna know, but you just have to, right? Stupid guy bullshit. So, anyway, she starts telling me about him... how they fell in love, and how they went out for a couple of years, and how they lived together, her mother likes me better, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah... and I'm okay. But then she drops the bomb on me, and the bomb is this: it seems that a couple of times, while they were going out, he brought some people to bed with them. Ménage à trois, I believe it's called. Now this just blows my mind, right? I mean, I am not used to this sort of thing. I mean, I was raised Catholic, for God's sake.

Jay: Saint Shithead.

[Silent Bob elbows him; Jay motions as if to start a fight]

Silent Bob: Do something.

[to Holden]

Silent Bob: So I'm totally weirded out by this, right? And then I just start blasting her. Like... I don't know how to deal with what I'm feeling, so I figure the best way is by calling her a slut, right? And tell her she was used. I'm... I'm out for blood. I really wanna hurt this girl. I'm like, "What the fuck is your problem?", right? And she's just all calmly trying to tell me, like, it was that time and it was that place and she doesn't think she should apologize because she doesn't feel that she's done anything wrong. I'm like, "Oh, really?" That's when I look her straight in the eye, I tell her it's over. I walk.

Jay: Fuckin' A!

Silent Bob: No, idiot. It was a mistake. I didn't hate her. I wasn't disgusted with her. I was afraid. At that moment, I felt small, like... like I'd lacked experience, like I'd never be on her level, like I'd never be enough for her or something like that, you know what I'm saying? But, what I did not get, she didn't care. She wasn't looking for that guy anymore. She was... she was looking for me, for the Bob. But, uh, by the time I figure this all out, it was too late, man. She moved on, and all I had to show for it was some foolish pride, which then gave way to regret. She was the girl, I know that now. But I pushed her away. So, I've spent every day since then chasing Amy... so to speak.

Silent Bob: [mumbling to Holden, who has just revealed his trouble with Alyssa] You're chasin' Amy.

Holden: [Shocked that Silent Bob has broken his silence] What? What did you say?

Silent Bob: You're chasing Amy.

Jay: What do you look so shocked for, man? Fat bastard does this all the time. He thinks just 'cause he doesn't say anything, it'll have some huge impact when he does open his fuckin' mouth...

Silent Bob: Jesus Christ, why don't you shut up? You're always yap-yap-yappin' all the time! You're givin' me a fuckin' headache.

[to Holden]

Silent Bob: I went through something like what you're talking about, a couple years ago with this chick named Amy.

Jay: When was this?

Silent Bob: [annoyed] A couple of years ago?

Jay: What, she live in Canada or something? How come I don't remember anyone with the name of Amy?

Silent Bob: Bitch, what you don't know about me I can just about squeeze in the Grand fucking Canyon. Did you know I always wanted to be a dancer in Vegas?

Jay: So why the long face, Horse? Banky on the rag?

Holden: I'm just, ahh, I'm just havin' a little girl trouble.

Jay: Bitch pressin' charges? I get that a lot.

Jay: What's that shit he's got us saying?

Silent Bob: Oh, umm... "Snootchie Bootchies."

Jay: Snootchie Bootchies. Who the fuck talks like that? That is fucking baby talk.

Jay: [as they get up to leave] Until then, keep your unit on you.

Holden: I'll try.

Silent Bob: No, no. "Do or do not. There is no try."

Jay: Knock that shit off, we got a bus to catch! Jedi bitch.

Jay: [about Holden] Yo... look at this morose motherfucker here! Smells like someone shit in his cereal. Bonnnggggggg!

Holden: Man, what took you guys so long? Where were you at the mall again?

Jay: Bitch don't even start, alright. We stopped that shit years ago. Toss the salad.

Jay: Come on, man. I know people who know people.

Holden: You sound like Barbra Streisand.

Jay: [about Silent Bob] That's because I got this tubby bitch playing her "Greatest Hits" tape in my ear all the time. You gotta see him, man, when she starts singing that uh... "You Don't Bring Me Flowers", this faggot starts crying like a little girl with a scraped knee and shit. Big fucking softie.

[last lines]

Jay: [after the end credits] Man, why do you always have to tell that fucking gay story for?

Silent Bob: Shut up.

Jay: You shut up, you fat fuck.

Jay: You gotta boil it down to the essentials. It's like Cube says, "Life ain't nothin' but bitches and money."

Holden: Thanks, guys. Just what I needed. Advice from the 'hood.

Jay: [to Holden] Bitch tasted life, yo, now she's settlin' for your boring, funny-book-makin' ass.

Jay: Holy fucking shit! Finger Cuffs? You're dating Finger Cuffs, you silly son of a bitch?

Jay: Kick her to the fuckin' curb, man. Bitches get to be too much trouble. There's always the band...

[He and Silent Bob hold up their right hands]

Jay: ... of the hand.

Jay: Thanks, Pickle Fucker!

[to Silent Bob]

Jay: Yo, some pickle fucker gave us free eats!

Elias: Since God created man, and man created the Transformers, the Transformers are like a gift from God, Randal!

Randal Graves: No sir. They are not a gift from God. They are an unholy curse from the beast we call the Desolate One.

Elias: I don't really want to hear this Randal.

Randal Graves: The First of the Fallen. The Spoiler of Virgins, the Master of Abortions!

Elias: You know I don't like to talk about dark forces Randal.

Randal Graves: [singing into P.A. microphone] Let me help you out of your chair, Grandma!

Jay: [climbing through the drive-thru window] Grandma what was it like? To be on that holiday site

Randal Graves: Late that night I awoke from my sleep.

Jay: Hearing! Unknown! Voices!

Randal Graves, Jay: Laughing insane!

Jay: You know, sometimes I wish I did a little more with my life instead of hanging out in front of places selling weed and shit. Like, maybe be an animal doctor. Why not me? I like seals and shit. Or maybe an astronaut. Yeah. Like, be the first motherfucker to see a new galaxy, or find a new alien lifeform... and fuck it. And people'd be like, "There he goes. Homeboy fucked a Martian once."

Teen #1: You guys holding?

Jay: Shit, everything but coke, heroin and your cock.

Teen #2: What?

Teen #1: How 'bout a nickel bag, man?

Jay: [singing] Oh, fifteen bucks, little man, put that shit in my hand. Nong, nong, ning-a ning-a nong nong!

Teen #1: [to friend] He likes to sing.

Jay: [Emma parks her SUV and gets out. Jay and Silent Bob stand in front of the graffiti on the side of the Mooby's - "Eat pussy."] Oh, we *totally* do.

Teen #2: Is that a fucking Bible?

Jay: Hey hey, the HOLY fucking Bible, son.

Becky: [on the roof about to teach Dante how to dance] Hey, Twelve-Step!

[Jay looks around confused]

Becky: Jay!

Jay: [looks up] Lord?

Becky: Up here, jackass.

Jay: [moves so he can see her] What the fuck are you doing up there? Yo, if you're gonna jump, let me get a crack at that pussy first! Lemme find out.

Becky: You still got your boombox?

[Silent Bob comes out with the boombox]

Becky: Play something and turn it way up.

[disappears, then comes back]

Becky: Something danceable!

Dante Hicks: Up here? Are you serious? You're gonna teach me to dance up here?

Becky: What? You want I should do it in front of all the customers?

Dante Hicks: What customers?

Becky: Shut up. Come over here. Okay, get ready for the music. You feel it... here. Here it comes.

[Heavy Metal begins to play. Jay and Silent Bob headbang and dance furiously]

Becky: Something a little less demonic, please?

Elias: Whoo! We's all gonna get drunk and get laid!

Dante Hicks: Oh my God, is Elias hammered?

Jay: Isn't it awesome? My man smoked two blunts full of skunk!

Elias: Fuck Pillowpants! Honk if you love a lot of pussy!

Jay: [looks at Silent Bob] Yo, we love pussy!

[Jay and Silent Bob blow on party favors]

Dante Hicks: I can't believe you. I finally get my shit together. I'm hours from getting outta here, and really starting my life, and you somehow figure out a way to obliterate all that and reduce me to a convict.

Randal Graves: Oh, yeah, it's my fault your life's fucked up. "I'm the engaged guy who knocked up my boss!"

Jay: [amazed] You knocked up the guy who owns Mooby's?

Randal Graves: [chuckles, and then incredulous] What?

[Dante, Randal, Jay, Silent Bob, Elias and the Sexy Stud have been taken to a holding cell]

Randal Graves: Jail cell design hasn't changed much in centuries, has it? Maybe it's time they brought in the laser bars, or something.

Jay: Oh, they can make a hard plastic cage like Magneto's in X-Men 2! Nauw.

Randal Graves: Come on, dude, let's keep it in the real world, alright? But you know what wouldn't be a bad idea? Carbonite. What do you think, Dante?

[Dante looks up and glares at him, then charges at Randal, slamming him into the bars]

Dante Hicks: I think I'm gonna kill you!

Jay: What up, steel cage match!

Dante Hicks: You ruined my life!

Randal Graves: Your life was already ruined, get off of me!

Dante Hicks: What were you thinking? A fuckin' Donkey show?

Randal Graves: It was your going away present!

Dante Hicks: Sure was! I just never thought I'd be going away to prison!

Sexy Stud: Boys? You can't be imprisoned for watching an inter-species sex act. You'll walk. The worst I'll get is a huge fine for animal abuse, and alot of disgusted looks from ass-wipe conservatives who can't appreciate sexual exploration.

Sexy Stud: [as he drops into his seat in the jail cell, sighing sadly as he leans back against the bars] I miss my donkey.

Dante Hicks: I can't believe you.

Dante Hicks: I finally get my shit together, I'm hours away from getting out of here, and you somehow manage to obliterate all that and reduce me to a convict!

Randal Graves: Oh yeah, it's my fault that your life's so fucked up! I'm the engaged guy who knocked up my boss!

Jay: You knocked up the guy that owns Mooby's? Sick!

Randal Graves: Would you just shut up?

Jay: You should read your Bible, sirs. You'll find all types of weird shit in there. Like, did you know Jesus was a Jew?

Teen #2: [pause] Yeah.

[Jay hands Emma a cake]

Jay: Quick, hit that two-timing fuck with this!

[she hits Dante with the cake]

Jay: Hey, you wanna go out some time?

Jay: [after Silent Bob hands Jay a Redbull, Jay drinks it and kicks it in the air] Get the FUCK outta here!

Randal Graves: [to Dante] You're my best friend, and I love you... In a totally heterosexual way.

Jay: [to Silent Bob] Yeah, right.

Jay: You know, sometimes I wish I'd done a little more with my life instead of hangin' out in front of places, selling weed and shit. Like maybe be an animal doctor. Why not me? I like seals and shit. Or maybe be an astronaut. Yeah. And be the first motherfucker to see a new galaxy. Or find a new alien life form... And fuck it. And people would be like "There he goes. Homeboy fucked a martian once."

[Silent Bob looks at him weirdly, before two teenage drug buyers start to approach them]

Jay: Holy shit out first customers since our triumph of return, act cool.

Teen #1: You guys holdin'?

Jay: Yeah, everything but coke, heroin and your cock.

Teen #2: What?

Teen #1: How about a nicklebag?

Jay: [Improvised rapping] Oh, fifteen bucks little man, put that shit in my hand. Nong-nong-nonga-nonga-nong-nong.

[Teen #2 gives Silent Bob $15, who exchanges it for a nicklebag of weed]

Teen #1: So, ahh, haven't seen you guys in a while. Where've you been all this time?

Jay: Me and Silent Bob finally bought a car. We're cruising down to the boardwalk, fuckin' middle-town cop pulls us over for suspicion of mischief.

Teen #1: What the fuck's that mean?

Jay: Drivin' around with a deployed airbag. Cops pull us over, they find two pounds of Jamaican Landswolf. Prosecutor wants to put us away for a dime but the judge gives us rehab instead.

Teen #1: Shit, rehab?

Jay: Yep yep.

Teen #2: How long were you in?

Jay: Six months, sir. We got six months and two days on the wagon, as a good friend of Bill W's. Check it out.

[Holds up rehab token]

Jay: Just got it two days ago, before we got out.

Teen #2: Yeah but if you're holdin' all the time, aren't you gonna be tempted to get high?

Jay: Oh, not with the power of Christ on my side, sir.

[Silent Bob holds up a Holy Bible]

Teen #2: Is that a fucking Bible?

Jay: Hey, hey, the Holy fucking Bible, son.

Teen #2: [to Teen #1] What the fuck kinda song-bird Jesus-freak dealers d'you bring me to?

Teen #1: I like them, man. They're funny.

Teen #2: They're fuckin' stupid.

Jay: You should read your Bible, sirs. You'll find all types of weird shit in there. Like did you know Jesus was a Jew?

Jay: We can lend you the money under two conditions. One, we can hang out in front of your store and you can't call the cops. And two, you two have to blow each other right now. And we get to watch. And then you have to go ass to mouth.

[Dante, Randal, and Silent Bob give Jay a weirded out look]

Jay: Okay, only the first condition.

Jay: That guy's being awfully forward with that donkey.

Jay: Yo, you guys are gonna miss this shit! The big guy's gonna cornhole that ass! With his wiener!

Becky: [to Dante] Hold that thought.

Jay: [dancing to "Goodbye, Horses"] Would you fuck me?... I'd fuck me... I'd fuck me hard...

Jay: I was outside taking a piss when I heard the news, congrats!

Jay: What kinda sick fuck gets turned on watching a guy fuck a donkey?

Jay: [while eating food that has piss and flies] This tastes like piss and flies, doesn't it?

Silent Bob: [nods]

Jay: [whispers] I heard you holding that!

Antwone "Ant" Swann: Man, who told you you that?

Jay: You trying to act like I haven't known you since the third grade.

Antwone "Ant" Swann: Yeah, but you've been out of school for four weeks.

Jay: Man, I had mono. So what's up? You holding, or what?

Antwone "Ant" Swann: [pauses] Naw.

Jay: Aight, that's whats up.

Antwone "Ant" Swann: [walks down the stairs; whispers to his friends] Narc.

Jay: Think I'm like how you are?

Freddy: I'm not arrogant enough to pretend to know who you are.

Jay: People need to be jolted.

Morrie: No, people need to be comforted, and you don't comfort them by satisfying your own curiosity about breaking down boundaries and rules. Some people really like their rules, they've chosen them, and you don't get to choose what rules other people obey or not; they do.

Lucien: Ya know, we could do this later if you want?

Neil: Oh god Lucien, she's ruined it for me Lucien. I mean it's all so boring now!

Lucien: Hey, hey let's put in a movie?

Neil: No, no more movies. It's no use, it's not enough anymore, ya know? It's just all so mundane and so predictable Lucien. Oh hey look! It's Jayson. Jayson's going to come in here and he's going to hand me a package, and then he's going hand me his thing, and I'm going to sign the thing and I'm going to hand it right back to him, and then he's going to get in his truck and he's going to drive of. Oh, it's... it's so predictable Lucien, it's not enough anymore, ya know? Where's the... where's the adventure, you know?

[while signing Jayson's package]

Neil: there's no adventure man. Where's the adventure Lucien?

Jay: You signed it Neil Adventure.

[Neil signs it again]

Jay: You crossed out Adventure and wrote adventure again.

Neil: What does it matter Jayson? Huh!

[Neil walks away]

Jay: It matters because I'm actually responsible for any package that doesn't have a valiad signature or receipt...

Lucien: [Goes to sign the package] Jesus Christ...

Jay: I don't make the rules.

Lucien: Lighten up Jayson.

Aunt Bella: You guys have to promise not to tell grandma! Jay?

Jay: I promise.

Aunt Bella: Arty?

Arty: She and I have very short conversations.

Jay: Where would someone like Grandma hide her money?

Arty: You're not thinking of stealing it, are you?

Jay: No, but what if we just borrowed it? I'd just love to send Pop an envelope with $9,000.

Arty: Who would he think sent it to him... God?

Jay: No. He had an uncle in Poland who died. We can say he left the money to Pop in his will.

Arty: Jay, do you think the Germans would let some Jew in Poland send $9,000 to some Jew in Alabama?

Jay: [after his Aunt Bella randomly charges out of the house in tears] See why I don't like to come here too often?

Jay: [impersonating his Aunt Gert] Well, hello Jay. How are you? How's your father, and

[sucking in as he speaks]

Jay: *how's your little brother Arty?*

Robert Cole: [on the phone with Jay] Jay, listen -- I didn't tell you this before, and I think I should tell you now. I love you. I mean, in the right way. I think you're an amazing guy, and I -- I think I just love you.

Jay: The ludes kicked in, right?

Duke, Jay: [in a cab] Take off, driver.

[look at each other]

Duke: This cab is taken!

Tracy: Yes it is, we're taking it.

Tracy: After Honolulu, we go to Australia, and then 14 hours later we're in Hong Kong with Mother.

Jay: It's a great plan, Tracy! If she can't come to us for our vacation then we'll go to her!

Tracy: Yes, but there's only one little problem. How're we going to get the $1200 for two tickets?

Jay: What's your name?

Liza: What do you want it to be?

Jay: I don't deserve to be sitting at your table.

Chet: This is your table, son. And you're not the only one who messed up.

Liza: [Drunkenly kisses a reluctant Jay] It's okay. We can pretend.

Liza, Jay: I'm not pretending.

[Kisses her back]

Jay: They are bad people. They should suffer.

Jay: You're giving me indigestion.

Justin: Oh, sorry.

Jay: Apology accepted.

Justin: Sometimes God's love can be hard to swallow.

Jay: Not as hard as a dinner plate.

Justin: God loves you.

Jay: Does he? Well, tell God from me if you're the kind of people he hangs about with, stay out of my way. No more guitar, mate. Not in restaurants. There is a time and a place. And your time and place is in a very isolated location, where no-one is likely to be for about a fucking hundred years. Ok? Because Jimmy Hendrix you ain't.

Gal: Very sorry about my friend, please accept my most humble apologies. And if you are speaking to the big man, put a word in for us, will you? Get them all a drink, love. Double orange juices all around.

Jay: It's a cat, it can't take the piss.

Jay: Difficult for a man to know where he stands these

Gal: You should've had a crack at the Mick, mate. A tour of duty in Belfast would've done you the world of good.

Fiona: I never understood the whole Irish thing. Cos, I mean, it's all the same religion, so...

Gal: Not really, love.

Fiona: They're all Christian.

Shel: That's true.

Gal: It's debatable

Jay: What do I get? Fucking Iraq!

Shel: Iraq's over. What about now, eh?

Jay: Yeah? I've finished.

[Turn his plate upside down over the table]

Jay: [Drags the tablecloth off the table causing the dinner to fall onto the floor] Abracadabra!

Jay: [Madge tries to leave after she and Jay had the argument] I am not through talking to you!

Madge: Well I am.

Jay: Please come back here.

Madge: Why, so you can beat me up?

Jay: You're goddamn right!

Madge: [walks off] Forget it.

Jay: Please?

Madge: What?

Jay: What do you mean what?

Madge: Please what?

Jay: Please come back here so I can beat you up!

[slams door]

Okelo: You gave an interview on BBC saying that Amin was evil. Are you mad? What about Kinnu? What about Meena? Do you ever think of them?

Jay: What should I have done? Remain silent? That is the coward's way!

Okelo: Don't talk to me about cowards! That's what you are. You're not leaving because you're scared to leave. You are scared of leaving Uganda.

Jay: Why should I go? Why should I go? Okelo, this is my home.

Okelo: Not anymore, Jay. Africa is for Africans. *Black* Africans.

Meena: [after Jay and Kinnu discover her and Demetrius's relationship] What about me? What about me? I've never asked you for anything! Never expected anything! I'm 24 years old, and I'm still here! Stuck *here!* You think I'm happy? I love him. That's not a crime, is it?

Kinnu: You call this love? When all you have done is bring such shame upon our heads?

Meena: I didn't do anything! *They* barged in!

Jay: Don't answer back! At least have the decency to be sorry!

Meena: I am sorry about this mess, but I'm not sorry I'm in love with him.

Jay: Having a plan doesn't always mean having control. That's just life. Learning how to move forward when you don't have that control, that's growing up.

Jay: Look Haley, having a plan doesn't always mean having control. That's just life.

Haley: Yeah.

Jay: Now, learning how to move forward when you don't have that control, that's growing up.

Xavier: Why are you even going to the march?

Wendell: Niggas and cars, cars and niggas. Niggas need cars like cars need niggas. I gotta make me some money. You think I'm gonna miss out on all that networking, shit nigga you must be crazy. I got a joke for ya, nigga: What do you get when you cross a million lesbians and the million man march?

Jay: Ok, what do you get when you cross one million lesbians and the million man march?

Wendell: Two million mother-fuckers who don't do dick.

[laughs]

Wendell: You niggas somethin' else.

[Pointing at everybody]

Wendell: Nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, all you niggas!

Mike: Hey Wendell, I got a joke for you: What do they call a black man with a Lexus dealership?

Wendell: What?

Mike: Nigga.

[Wendell is thrown off the bus with his coat following]

Jay: Nigga need Coat like Coat need Nigga!

Jay: Holy shit, Silent Bob, it's that TV newschick Connie fucking Chung. Hey Connie, how's Maury?

[Gale gives them the finger]

Jay: Dude, I think she likes me. Did you see how she was looking at me?

Jay: Look, If We Stay Out Here We're Gonna Freeze

[talking to friends]

Josh: What Is It?

Jay: I Don't Know

Jay: Where Are We?

[talking to josh]

Karen: What Are You Doing?

Jay: Opening The Door...

Bug: Holy shit! It's in her throat! What? What? She swallowed it?

Jay: She tried to

Holly: Why would she do that?

Jay: Maybe she didn't want anybody leaving

Holly: Wouldn't they have to return the body to his kin

Jay: He killed his kin remmber

Jay: What's the method of execution in Montana?

Bug: Lethal injection three drugs; first stops the musscles, secound stops the lungs... third stops the heart

Jay: What if someone could fake it... make it look like he died

Bug: What? like they faked his death or something?

Jay: [on Orin] he was in a cell for fifteen years... before that he was in an asylum... before that he was in hell. His mother... his mother would scorge his mouth

Holly: I don't want to hear this

Jay: To stop him from singing

Holly: I SAID... I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT

Jay: Can you imagine being seven years old and wanting to do that to escape... to leave your body... then doing it?

Stan: Taking a walk is different from walking.

Jay: How?

Stan: A purpose. A destination.

Jay: I don't understand.

Stan: When you're walking, you're trying to get somewhere, you end up in a different place. When you're taking a walk, you always end up where you started.

Jay: How did this happen?

Rick: How does anything happen? Suddenly. Before you know it.

Jay: I'm scared of you.

Stan: You're scared of me?

Jay: Why are you wearing one glove?

Stan: I lost the other one.

Jay: That's scary to me.

Jay: You know who I am?

Stan: That's not the problem. The problem is YOU know who I am.

Jay: Never try to bribe a man with something he can take anyway.

Jay: [to Catherine, at the campsite] Make some coffee.

Catherine Crocker: I don't want to make coffee, thank you...

Jay: I don't give a damn what you want. Make some coffee.

Catherine Crocker: [Fumbling with the coffee pot, obviously clueless] I don't know how to make coffee. I'm sorry.

Jay: I told you I didn't want anybody killed back there!

Dawes: Yeah, well, I forgot.

Catherine Crocker: Give me the horse and let me go. I won't tell a soul, I promise.

Jay: Why not?

Catherine Crocker: Because I'm running away, too.

Jay: [pauses] Mm hmm.

Jay: [to Billy] Throw her ass on a horse.

Jay: [Regarding Charlie] He wanted to be a leader like his father. He ended up being an imitation white man.

Claire: I wasn't expecting anything anyway.

Jay: Well good. Just keep it that way, and we'll get a long just fine.