Jasper Quotes in Grindhouse (2007)

Abernathy: I was wondering if my friends and I could take the car out on our own just to see if we feel comfortable in it.

Jasper: Why would I do something stupid like that?

Abernathy: To better sell your automobile.

Jasper: How do I know you're not just gonna steal it?

Abernathy: Four reasons. One: we are not thieves. Two: that would be rude. Three: we are staying at the Day's Inn in town, you can check with them, we are registered for the next month. Well, Zoe's not, but Kim and I are so we are totally track-downable.

Jasper: Who's Kim? The colored girl?

Abernathy: Yes, Kim would be the girl of color. And four, and most importantly, that will give you a chance to get to know our other friend, Lee.

[points out Lee]

Jasper: She looks kinda familiar

Abernathy: That is because she is a famous movie star. We are making a Hollywood movie here in town

Jasper: Why's she dressed like that?

Abernathy: Because it's a cheerleader movie and she's one of the cheerleaders.

Jasper: What's a cheerleader movie?

Abernathy: A movie about cheerleaders.

Jasper: Is it a porno?

Abernathy: [looks at Jasper] *Yes*! But don't mention it. She's shy.

Abernathy: Hello sir! What's your name?

Jasper: Jasper.

Abernathy: Hello Jasper, I'm Abernathy.

Jasper: Aber- what?

Abernathy: Abernathy.

Jasper: But what's your first name?

Abernathy: That is my first name.

Jasper: What kind of first name is that?

Abernathy: You know what, why don't you just call me Abby.

Jasper: Okay.

King David: You miss me?

Jasper: Ain't nobody ever missed a rattlesnake, so why would anybody miss *you?*

[repeated line]

Jasper: My baby!

[after delivering the baby]

Junior: [upset] Is it always like this?

Jasper: What can I say? I'm always sad!

Jasper: Now, there are two things you must not do with Skinner. One, do not look at the horrendous scar on his neck. Two, don't talk to him. Understand? Not a word.

Horace: Right.

[Skinner answers the door and looks at Horace]

Horace: Ahh! Look at the size of that scar! No bl - oody wonder you can't talk, mate!

Skinner: [Wheezing]

Jasper: [to Skinner] Excuse me just a minute, would you?

[closes the door and punches Horace]

Horace: [Horace falls down]

Horace: [still shivering after falling through the frozen pond] Turn on the heater on, will ya?

Jasper: No! Not with this thing acting the way she is; I don't want to risk losing power.

Horace: I can't stand the cold no more. I want heat!

[turns the heat on himself; the system shorts and the car catches on fire from the heater]

Horace: FIRE! Too hot! Too hot!

Horace: [Kipper awakens Horace] Did you hear that?

Jasper: What?

Horace: That noise!

Jasper: What noise?

Horace: That noise I just heard. Did you hear it?

Jasper: [Sarcastically] Oh yeah. Yeah, it sounds like an irritating Berk asking me so many irritating questions. Oh good it has stopped now.

Horace: Did you hear that?

Jasper: What?

Horace: That noise.

Jasper: What noise?

Horace: That noise I just heard. Do you hear it?

Jasper: Oh yeah. Sounded like an complete burk asking me irritating questions. Oh, good, it's stopped now.

Horace: You know, this house is creepy. I'm starving hungry, and so far we haven't been paid one bloody quid.

Jasper: Oh, will you stop moaning?

Jasper: [as they meet up to discuss their plan for Cruella's coat] Ah, ma'am, what a beautiful day it is out there! Sun shining, blue skies, the laughter of schoolchildren riding on the gentle breeze.

Cruella De Vil: Get on with it, you imbecile!

[Horace is about to get out of the car, but gets caught on Jasper's mask]

Jasper: [thinking he's trying to take it] Fetch your own!

Jasper: [Trying to start the van] You just had to let those puppies get away, didn't you? Never paying attention.

Horace: Well, where was you?

Jasper: Where was? I was not splashing about in the pond. You've infuriated the old bag, and if we don't get those puppies back it is quite literally our heads!

[trying to start the engine again]

Jasper: Oh, come on! Right, you better get out and check the tailpipe. We've got a condensation problem.

Horace: [threateningly] One of these days I'm gonna be full up of you!

Horace: [Gets out]

Jasper: [Makes a face at him; Horace walks around to the back of the van, squats down and peers into the exhaust pipe, while Jasper desperately tries again to start the engine] Oh, do come on!

[Taps the gas pedal. The exhaust pipe explodes sending a clogged pear and a lot of exhaust into Horace's face]

Jasper: There, ya see?

Jasper: [grabbing one of the puppies by the scruff of its neck after it bites him, then stuffing it into a bag; speaks through his gritting teeth at first] All right, come here, you... spotty little... dog!

Horace: [to Jasper] I'll be honest with you mate. This job is fast losing it's charm. The housing stinks, the food's lousy, the lavatory facilities are appalling and so far we haven't made as much as one quid.

Jasper: [Annoyed] Oh you will stop moaning? Look this time tomorrow night it's all over. We get our boodle, we'll be out of here before you can say dead puppies. Now go to sleep.

Horace: [Horace and Jasper turn themselves in and are sitting locked up in a police van] This is lovely.

Jasper: Isn't it? Nice and warm.

Horace: No animals neither.

[Horace hears a growl and looks round terrified and nudges Jasper. Skinner is also arrested and it is implied he was attacked by Kipper. He stares at them in a threating manner. Both Horace and Jasper nervously grin sheepishly]

Horace: .

Cruella: You idiots! You fools! You imbeciles!

[bursts out crying]

Jasper: Ahhh, shut up!

Jasper: Now, you've been gone and done it. You've cut me to the quick, lady. Why, I wouldn't stay here if you asked me to.

[Nanny tries to throw a teapot at Jasper, but it misses and breaks]

Jasper: Not even for a cup of tea.

[the pups run past Horace and Jasper while covered in soot]

Horace: Look, Jasper. Do you suppose they disguised themselves?

Jasper: [jokingly] Say now, Horace, that's just what they did! Dogs is always paintin' 'emselves black!

[bops Horace on his head]

Jasper: You idiot!

Horace: [Jasper is drinking] Hey, Jasper! Come on now, give us a swig. Just a short one?

Jasper: Now Horace, this hogwash ain't fit for a fancy gent like yourself. Besides, you'd get crumbs in it, ya cabbage head!

Horace: All right! Guzzle the whole works, and I hope it gives ya cobby wobbles, that's what!

Horace: We're from the Gas Company.

Jasper: [elbows him] 'Lectric! 'Lectric!

Horace: Uh, Electric Company.

Cruella De Vil: I've got no time to argue. I tell you, it's got to be done tonight!

[Turns off television set]

Cruella De Vil: Do you understand? Tonight!

Horace: But they ain't big enough.

Jasper: You couldn't get half a dozen coats out of the whole kaboodle.

Seargent Tibs: [whispering] Coats? Dog skin coats?

Cruella De Vil: Then we'll settle for half a dozen!

Jasper: [Jasper coughs]

Cruella De Vil: We can't wait! The police are everywhere. I want the job done tonight!

Horace: How're we gonna do it?

Cruella De Vil: Any way you like. Poison them. Drown them. Bash them in the head. You got any chloroform?

Jasper: Not a drop.

Horace: And no ether, either.

Jasper: [Hits Horace over the head with bottle]

Jasper: Either!

Cruella De Vil: I don't care how you kill the little beasts, but do it, and do it now!

Jasper: Aw, please, miss. Have pity, will you? Can't we see the rest of the show first?

Horace: We want to see "What's My Crime?"

[Cruella takes Jasper's bottle causing him to cough and throws it into the fireplace, where it explodes; she slaps both of them in the face]

Cruella De Vil: Now listen, you idiots! I'll be back first thing in the morning. And the job better be done or I'll I'll I'll call the police! Do you understand?

Seargent Tibs: [She slams the door behind her; a piece of plaster falls off the ceiling and on Horace's head]

Horace: I think she means it, Jasper.

[the dalmatians are hiding from Jasper and Horace under a bridge across a frozen creek]

Jasper: Aw, they gotta be around here somewhere.

Horace: Jasper, I've been thinking.

Jasper: Now, Horace!

Horace: But what if they went down the froze-up creek so as not to leave their tracks?

Jasper: Oh, Horace, you idiot! Dogs ain't that smart.

Cruella De Vil: [on the phone with Jasper] Jasper! Jasper, you idiot! How dare you call here?

Jasper: But we don't want no more of this here! We want our bootle! We'll settle for half!

Cruella De Vil: Not one shilling until the job is done! Understand?

Horace: Jasper! Jasper!

[shows newspaper]

Jasper: [to Cruella] But it's here in the blinkin' papers! Pictures and all!

Cruella De Vil: Hang the papers! It'll be forgotten tomorrow!

Horace: I don't like it, Jasper. I.

Jasper: [to Horace] Ahh, shut up, you idiot!

Cruella De Vil: [shouts] What?

Jasper: [to Cruella] Oh, no! Not you, Miss! I mean Horace, here!

Cruella De Vil: Why, you imbecile!

Jasper: Hey look, Horace! Watch me pot His Lordship smack on the conk!

Nanny: What's the matter with you two? You got cloth ears? I said you're not coming in here!

Jasper: Ho, ho, ho! She's a regular old totter, ain't she, Horace? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Nanny: Don't you dare go up there, you big long-legged lumox!

Horace: I don't like it, Jasper. One more pinch, and they'll throw the keys away.

Jasper: Oh, come off it, Horace. We're getting plenty of bootle.

Horace: Yes, but I've been thinking.

Jasper: You've been thinking? Now look here, Horace! I warned you about thinking! I've got the nog for this job, so let's get on with it!

Cruella De Vil: Well, any sign of them?

Jasper: Not so much as a blooming footprint. And we've been up and down every blicking road in the county.

Horace: We're froze stiff. We're giving up.

Cruella De Vil: Oh, no, you don't! We'll find the little mongrels if it takes till next Christmas. Now get going! And watch your driving, you imbeciles! Do you wanna get nabbed by the police?

Jasper: I ain't gonna hurt ya.

Horace: But I thought we was gonna pop 'em off.

Jasper: Shh, shut up!

Jasper: [as Pongo's pulling his pants down] Hey, Horace! They're fighting dirty!

Jasper: The little twerps! Giving us the slip! And after we took so much care of them! That's gratitude for ya!

Jasper: [after locking Nanny in the attic] Hey! Horace, me lad! I've got a sneaky suspicion we're not welcome here!

[Jasper picks up Tibs thinking that it's a bottle. Tibs screeches]

Jasper: Hey look, Horace! We have a visitor, it's a tabby cat!

[Tibbs run over to the piano and slams the lid down, with Horace's head inside the piano]

Jasper: How about we make him a tabby cat stew!

[Tibs runs towards the wall]

Jasper: [sneaking up on Tibs holding a bottle] Or a cat casserole...

[chuckles]

Jasper: [throws bottle at Tibs] ... a la Mode!

[Tibs escapes the room through a hole in the wall by the door as the bottle smashes against the wall]

Cruella De Vil: Well what have we here?

[looking at the snow]

Cruella De Vil: So they thought they could outwit Cruella?

[Honking car horn]

Cruella De Vil: Jasper! Horace! Here's their tracks heading straight for the village!

Jasper: Blimey! It's them, all right.

Cruella De Vil: Work your way south on the side roads. I'll take the main road.

[Driving off]

Cruella De Vil: See you in Dinsford!

Jasper: There's a new act just been passed in parliament. Comes under the heading of "Defence of the Realm Act", it's article 4, section 29, it's very important, you see, it's the law, and it's for your safety, ma'am.

Nanny: Well, I don't care what Parliament realm, or whatever it is, says. You're not coming in here, not with the mister and missus gone.

Jasper: I'll skin every one of them little spotted hyenas, if it's the last thing I do.

Nanny: Be off with you, you big... you big weasel!

Jasper: Now you've gone and done it. You've cut me to the quick, lady. Why, I wouldn't stay here if you asked me to.

[Nanny throws a teapot at him, but he dodges and it smashes against the door]

Jasper: Not even for a cup of tea.

Jasper: You know what I was thinking? When you get back to London, maybe we could sneak off somewhere together. Maybe Venice. You and me in Venice could be good.

Iris: Do you mean that? I mean, are you free to do that?

Jasper: Darling, I've just traveled halfway across the world to see you, haven't I?

Iris: [Iris & Jasper almost kiss before Iris pulls away] Yeah, that doesn't exactly answer my question. So, are you not with Sarah anymore? I mean, is that what you've come here to tell me?

Jasper: I wish you could just accept knowing how confused I am about all this.

Iris: Okay, let me translate that. So, you are still engaged to be married?

Jasper: Yes, but, I mean...

Iris: Oh, my God.

[Iris gets up from the couch]

Iris: This was a really close call. You know, I never really though I'd say this, literally never, but I think you were absolutely right about us. Very square peg, very round hole.

Jasper: You cannot mean that.

Iris: The great thing is I actually do. And I'm about three years late in telling you this, but nevertheless I need to say it. Jasper. Wait, I need the lights on. Jasper, you have never treated me right. Ever.

Jasper: Oh, babe.

Iris: Shush. You broke my heart. And you acted like somehow it was my fault, my misunderstanding, and I was too in love with you to ever be mad at you, so I just punished myself! For years! But you waltzing in here on my lovely Christmas holiday, and telling me that you don't want to lose me whilst you're about to get MARRIED, somehow newly entitles me to say, it's over. This - This twisted, toxic THING between us, is finally finished! I'm miraculously done being in love with you! Ha! I've got a life to start living.

[Picks up Jasper's jacket, walking to the door]

Iris: And you're not going to be in it.

Jasper: Darling.

Iris: Now I've got somewhere really important to be, and you have got to get the hell out.

[Opens the door]

Iris: Now!

Jasper: What exactly has got into you?

Iris: I don't know.

[Pushes Jasper out the door]

Iris: But I think what I've got is something slightly resembling, gumption.

[Slams door shut in Jasper's face. Lifts hands up and screams with joy]

Jasper: No one adult human being is happy! People are born, they have a limited amount of time going around thinking life is dandy but then, inevitably, tragedy strikes and they realise life equals loss! The whole point of the game is to minimise the pain caused by that equation! Now some people do it by having kids, or making money, or taking up coin collecting, and others do it by getting wasted.

Gwen Cummings: Why do you want me Jasper? I am such a mess.

Jasper: Maybe I like mess.

Gwen Cummings: Nobody gets hurt collecting coins.

Jasper: Everybody hurts everybody it's the human condition!

Gwen Cummings: I don't feel fine.

Jasper: Well of coursre you don't feel fine, you're in deliverance country surrounded by a bunch of sober freaks!

Jasper: [to Gwen] I'll buy running shoes. We'll take up yoga or jogging. You know, we'll be organized. Pay our bills, floss our teeth. We won't set fire to the apartment anymore. I'll buy a goldfish, and we'll be like normal people.

Gwen Cummings: Jasper, don't be a jerk.

Jasper: Yeah, well, Gwen, don't be a slut.

Jasper: When you told me that you lost your limited edition Mont Blanc pen that Tom Cruise had given you, I thought that the very least I could do is to replace it.

Alan Conway: Oh! Jasper, I'm so touched. You are too kind.

Jasper: I'm so pleased that *you* are pleased.

Alan Conway: Look at it! It's wonderful... do you have the receipt?

Jasper: What is your damage, Heather?

Jasper Pledge: [referring to a tiki that Nico found] Did anybody find the unlucky tiki I planted?

Jasper: [shocks him, part of his hazing] Did anybody find the unlucky tiki he planted?

Jasper Chan: 'Cher's' already accessorized it.

Jasper, Jasper Chan, Jasper Pledge: [both groups are meeting for the first time] We're Jasper.

Nico: Nice to meet you. We're Cher.

Pretty Patty: Who are you lookin' for, Jasper?

Jasper: Well, I was kinda lookin' for your brother, I thought he might wanna go fishin'.

Pretty Patty: Well, he might be along just any minute now. Why don't you come and talk to me while I do my chores?

Jasper: Well, I kinda did wanna go fishin', but, well, I guess the same fish'll be there tomorrow.

Jasper: I'll tell you what, Pretty Patty. You can keep that damn thing till it rots off, but I'm going over the hill to Moonbeam's, 'cause she knows what it's for and how to use it!

Jasper: You see, love conquers all and Wichita didn't want to be conquered.

Talia: Here's where we tell you that this was the summer we lost our innocence.

Donald: But really, it's the summer we got it back.

Jasper: Excuse the cheese, but love matters, respect matters, and causing pain is never cool.

Pixel: Actually causing pain is about the coolest thing you can do, but cool isn't what it used to be.

Jasper: What are the paddles for?

Marty: We're going cow spanking.

Jasper: Cow spanking? What's that?

Marty: It's like cow tipping, only we spank.

Jasper: Really.

Rocky: Come on let's get this stuff and get out of here.

Jasper: While you boys are out cow spanking, Kile and I are gonna go pussy huntin'.

Marty: Good for you, Jasper.

Kile: [smacks Marty in the head] Hey, don't get sassy with my boy.

Jasper: You ever been pussy hunting?

[Kile holds a balloon up to Marty's face and squeezes it, so it looks like two pulsating balls]

Jasper: I didn't think so. You know how I knew? You got to have bait to catch one.

Jasper: What are the paddles for?

Marty: We're going cow-spanking.

Kile: What the fuck is cow-spanking?

Marty: Well, it's like cow-tipping, except we spank.

Jasper: Jeez, I don't think I've gotten 500 messages my entire life!

Sarah: That's because you don't have boobs Jasper.

Jasper: Everything is a mythical, cosmic battle between faith and chance.

[offers Miriam a joint]

Miriam: Maybe I shouldn't.

Jasper: You already did. Take another one. Now cough. What do you taste?

Miriam: Strawberries!

Jasper: Strawberries? That's what it's called: Strawberry Cough!

Kee: Wicked!

Jasper: So. You've got faith over here, right? And chance over there.

Miriam: Like yin and yang.

Jasper: Sort of.

Miriam: Or Shiva and Shakti.

Jasper: Lennon and McCartney!

Kee: [looking at pictures] Look, Julian and Theo.

Jasper: Yeah, there you go! Julian and Theo met among a million protestors in a rally by chance. But they were there because of what they believed in in the first place, their faith. They wanted to change the world. And their faith kept them together. But by chance, Dylan was born.

Kee: [picks up another photo] This is him?

Jasper: Yeah, that's him. He'd have been about your age. Magical child. Beautiful. Their faith put in praxis.

Miriam: "Praxis"? What happened?

Jasper: Chance. He was their sweet little dream. He had little hands, little legs, little feet. Little lungs. And in 2008, along came the flu pandemic. And then, by chance, he was gone. You see, Theo's faith lost out to chance. So, why bother if life's going to make its own choices?

Kee: Baby's got Theo's eyes.

Jasper: Yeah.

Miriam: Oh, boy. That's terrible. But, you know, everything happens for a reason.

Jasper: That, I don't know. But Theo and Julian would always bring Dylan. He loved it here.

Jasper: Pull my finger!

Jasper: What did you do for your birthday?

Theodore Faron: Nothing.

Jasper: Oh come on, you must have done something.

Theodore Faron: Nope. Woke up, felt like shit. Went to work, felt like shit.

Jasper: That's called a hangover, Amigo.

Jasper: So, the Human Project is havin' this dinner and all the wisest men in the world are there...

Theodore Faron: [scoffing] Human Project, why do people believe this crap? You know even if these people existed with these facilities in these secret locations, fuck me, that's strong! Even if they discovered the cure for infertility, doesn't matter! Too late. World went to shit. Know what? It was too late before the infertility thing happened, for fuck's sake.

Jasper: [taking a puff off the joint] I was just tryin' to tell a joke, man.

Theodore Faron: Oh, I'm sorry, go on.

Jasper: No, I'm not tellin' it now!

Theodore Faron: No, c'mon Jasper, go on!

Jasper: No, fuck it! I'm not tellin' it to you!

Theodore Faron: C'mon, I'm sorry!

Jasper: Ok, the Human Project gives this great, big dinner for all the scientists and sages in the world. They're tossing around theories about the ultimate mystery: why are all the women infertile? Why can't we make babies anymore? So, some say it's genetic experiments, gamma rays, pollution, same ol', same ol'. So, anyway, in the corner, this Englishman's sitting, he hasn't said a word, he's just tuckin' in his dinner. So, they decide to ask him, they say, "Well, why do you think we can't make babies anymore?" And he looks up at 'em, he's chewin' on this great big wing and he says "I haven't the faintest idea," he said, "but this stork is quite tasty isn't he?"

Jasper: Your baby is the miracle the whole world has been waiting for.

Jasper: Here try this.

[hands him a joint]

Theodore Faron: [Takes a puff] Yea, now what?

Jasper: Cough!

Theodore Faron: Cough?

Jasper: Yes cough!

[Theo coughs once, then starts to cough repeatedly]

Jasper: You taste it? It tastes like strawberries!

Jasper: I'm glad you don't take cream or sugar Amigo, losing you and Baby Diego in the same day... would be too hard to bare.

Theodore Faron: Well that was even worse, everybody crying. I mean... Baby Diego? Come on, the guy was a wanker!

Jasper: Yeah, but he was the -youngest- wanker on Earth!

Jasper: Shantih, Shantih, Shantih!

Jasper: The one thing that I want right now is for you to get over your shit, so you can be with her.

Jasper: No. Nobody knows you like I do. Alright? Nobody gets you like I do. We belong together. We... I love you. I love you, Sam.

Kelly: What freaks you out more? Getting bailed out by your girlfriend or knowing she was adding me to her fantasy file?

[drives away]

Pete: What'd he say?

Jasper: I think he just said 'come kick my ass'.

Jasper: You know what I'm really doin' up there, Richie?

Kelley: What's that?

Jasper: Your mother.

Callie, Finn, Jasper: Otherwise we will cease to exist

Jasper: Don't fuck with time.

[first lines]

Jasper: Finn!

[banging at the door]

Jasper: Finn, don't get up, I got it.

[pushing through the door carrying a heavy box]

Jasper: Why is this thing bolted to the floor?

Finn: I don't know. But I don't like it. I don't like the sound it's making either.

Callie: Or, how 'bout the half-naked photos of me on the wall?

Finn: That's one thing I *do* like about this situation.

Jasper: Bullshit. Mr. B invented a camera that takes pictures in the future, and he only used it to look in our apartment? Doesn't make any sense.

Finn: No! Absolutely not! We're - we're calling the police.

Jasper: Finn, I foretell that you live the rest of your life in pathetic obscurity, and die penniless and insane.

Mark: [getting in car] You want a ride to the city, I'm heading up there

Jasper: [standing beside her bike] No thanks, I'll ride

Recumbent Cyclist: How you doing?

Jasper: Just had a really long night

Recumbent Cyclist: been riding all night?

Jasper: yeah

Jasper: Why's she dressed like that?

Abernathy: Well, you see, we're making a Hollywood movie in town, and it's a cheerleading movie and she's one of the cheerleaders.

Jasper: What's a cheerleader movie?

Abernathy: A movie about cheerleaders.

Jasper: Is it a porno movie?

Abernathy: Yes, it is, but don't mention it. She's shy.

Jasper: Who's Kim? The colored girl?

Abernathy: [pauses for a second] Yes. Kim would be the girl of color.