Jared Vennett Quotes in The Big Short (2015)


Jared Vennett Quotes:

  • Danny Moses: You're completely sure of the math?

    Jared Vennett: Look at him, that's my quant.

    Mark Baum: Your what?

    Jared Vennett: My quantitative. My math specialist. Look at him, you notice anything different about him? Look at his face.

    Mark Baum: That's pretty racist.

    Jared Vennett: Look at his eyes, I'll give you a hint, his name is Yang. He won a national math competition in China he doesn't even speak English! Yeah I'm sure of the math.

  • Jared Vennett: Tell me the difference between stupid and illegal and I'll have my wife's brother arrested.

  • Jared Vennett: [pulling blocks from a Jenga tower] As, zero. Bs, zero. Double Bs, zero. Trible Bs, zero...

    [the tower topples]

    Jared Vennett: And then that happens.

    Mark Baum: What is that?

    Jared Vennett: That's America's housing market.

    [Baum's team stares in utter shock]

    Jared Vennett: Thank you.

    Jared's Assistant (Chris): [delighted] Fuckin' A, Jared.

    Jared Vennett: Shut your fuckin' mouth.

    [Chris' face falls in embarrassment]

  • Jared Vennett: I'm jacked! I'm jacked to the tits!

  • Jared Vennett: [Answering call on his cell phone] Is this America's angriest hedge fund?

  • Vinnie Daniel: How are you f***ing us?

    Jared Vennett: When you come for the payday, I'm gonna rip your eyes out. I'm gonna make a fortune. The good news is Vinnie, you're not going to care cause you're gonna make so much money. That's what I get out of it. Wanna know what you get out of it? You get the ice cream, the hot fudge, the banana and the nuts. Right now I get the sprinkles, and ya - if this goes thru, I get the cherry. But you get the sundae Vinny. You get the sundae.

    Vinnie Daniel: All right. I buy that. Thank you.

  • Jared Vennett: [about credit default swaps] Let me put it this way: I'm standing in front of a burning house, and I'm offering you fire insurance on it.

  • Jared Vennett: In the years that followed, hundreds of bankers and rating-agency executives went to jail. The SEC was completely overhauled, and Congress had no choice but to break up the big banks and regulate the mortgage and derivative industries. Just kidding! Banks took the money the American people gave them, and used it to pay themselves huge bonuses, and lobby the Congress to kill big reform. And then they blamed immigrants and poor people, and this time even teachers! And when all was said and done, only one single banker went to jail this poor schmuck!

  • Mark Baum: [on cell phone] Hey... excuse me! Let me ask you this: What company treats its customers that shittily and succeeds?

    Jared Vennett: [inaudible]

    Mark Baum: [on cell phone] Fine... ok... Goldman...

  • Jared Vennett: If the mortgage bonds were the match, then the CDOs were the kerosene soaked rags, then the synthetic CDO was the atomic bomb that the drunk President holding his finger over the button, it was at that moment in that dumb restaurant, with that stupid look on his face that Mark Baum realized the whole world economy might collapse.

  • Vinnie Daniel: But wait, you *are* the bank, I mean, you work for the bank. I bet your margins are pretty nice and fat.

    Jared Vennett: Let's not talk about my margins by the way. Being nice and fat... That's a nice shirt, do they make it for men?

  • Mark Baum: Jared? It's chaos down here! Where are we at?

    Jared Vennett: [Walking into his bank's employee bathroom] "And Caesar wept, for there were no more worlds to conquer."

    [Sees another employee, turns to him]

    Jared Vennett: Shane? SHANE?

    [Shane leaves]

    Jared Vennett: Well, nobody's buying CDOs and mortgage bonds anymore, and everybody wants swaps. Swaps are now the hottest thing on the street.

    Mark Baum: Well, that's good for us.

    Jared Vennett: Yes and no. I heard from somebody who heard from somebody-

    [Sees another employee walk]

    Jared Vennett: No, Alex, no. Sorry.

    [Alex leaves]

    Jared Vennett: Benny Cleaver over at Morgan's taking some heavy losses. Your ship might be taking on water. Might be time to get our lifejacket and get out. Oh, I'm jacked. I'm JACKED! I'M JACKED TO THE *TITS*!

    Mark Baum: Okay, good.

    Jared Vennett: You feel it?

    Mark Baum: No.

    [Hangs up]

  • Jared Vennett: Now their foot's on fire and they think their steak is done, and you're surprised?

    Mark Baum: That's not stupidity, that's fraud.

    Jared Vennett: Tell me the difference between stupid and illegal, and I'll have my wife's brother arrested.

  • Jared Vennett: You smell that? What is that?

    Mark Baum: What?

    Jared Vennett: What's that smell?

    Vinnie Daniel: Your cologne?

    Jared Vennett: No.

    [pause and looks to his assistant]

    Jared's Assistant (Chris): Opportunity.

    Jared Vennett: No. Money.

    Porter Collins: Ooh...

    Jared Vennett: I smell money.

Browse more character quotes from The Big Short (2015)