Jane Smith Quotes in Mr. & Mrs. Smith (2005)

John Smith: [while driving, pursued by hit men in three black BMW'S] I never told you, but I was married once before.

Jane Smith: [slams on the brakes]

John Smith: What's wrong with you?

Jane Smith: [slapping John's arms and legs] You're what's wrong with me John.

John Smith: It was just a drunken Vegas thing.

Jane Smith: Oh, that's better. That's *much* better.

[pause]

Jane Smith: What's her name and social security number?

John Smith: No, you're not gonna kill her.

[about the new curtains Jane bought]

Jane Smith: If you don't like them we can take them back.

John Smith: All right, I don't like them.

Jane Smith: [pause] You'll get used to them.

Jane Smith: [over her speakerphone, trying to beat John home] Happy endings are just stories that haven't finished yet.

Jane Smith: Any last words?

John Smith: The new curtains are hideous.

Jane Smith: [after John hands her a small revolver] Wait, why do I get the girl gun?

John Smith: Are you kidding me?

Jane Smith: [after shooting three shots through a wall at John] Still alive, baby?

John Smith: [takes her hand and starts walking towards the dance floor in a fancy restaurant] Dance with me.

Jane Smith: You don't dance.

John Smith: It was just my cover, sweetheart.

Jane Smith: Was sloth your cover, too?

Jane Smith: [driving a stolen minivan] My parents died when I was five. I'm an orphan.

John Smith: Who was that kind fellow who gave you away at our wedding?

Jane Smith: Paid actor.

John Smith: I said, I said I saw your dad on "Fantasy Island"!

[last lines]

John Smith: [at marriage counseling] Ask us the sex question.

Jane Smith: [whispers] John.

John Smith: [excitingly, stretches out all ten fingers] Ten.

John Smith: [over the Bluetooth headset phone, trying to beat Jane home] That's the second time you've tried to kill me today.

Jane Smith: [over her speakerphone, trying to beat John home] Oh, come on, it was just a little bomb.

Jane Smith: [lying down in the hallway of their home] That vacation in Aspen, you left early, why?

John Smith: Jean-Luc Gespar.

Jane Smith: Damn, I wanted him.

John Smith: I got it.

[John has just returned from shooting Lucky at the bar]

Jane Smith: Hey baby. I didn't hear you downstairs.

John Smith: I went down to the sports bar. Put a little money on the game.

Jane Smith: How'd you do?

John Smith: I got "Lucky".

Jane Smith: [referring to the hit men in three black BMW'S pursuing them] They're bulletproof!

John Smith: [having not heard the hit men in three black BMW'S pursuing them and shot three times at the three black BMW'S chasing them] They're bulletproof!

John Smith: [after Jane escapes on a high wire, stand the ledge of the ledge of the floor in her building] Chicken shit!

Jane Smith: [shouting from a broken window] Pussy!

John Smith: [after throwing her across the dining room table and onto the floor, standing up behind her, welcoming her by gesturing with his fingers] Come to Daddy.

Jane Smith: [she stands up bashes him with a teapot wrapped in a white cloth and headbutts him] Who's your Daddy now?

Eddie: [sitting in front of John in a diner] Tell me you got smart and that you killed that lying bitch.

Jane Smith: [turns around her chair at the bar] This lying bitch?

Eddie: Guess that was just wishful thinking.

John Smith: How many? Ok... I'll go first, then. I don't keep exact count, but I'd say, uh, high 50s, low 60s. I mean, I know I've been around the block an all, but...

Jane Smith: 312.

John Smith: What? How?

Jane Smith: Some were two at a time.

Jane Smith: [over a speakerphone] I thought I told you not to bother me at the office, honey.

John Smith: [over the Bluetooth headset phone] Well, you are still Mrs. Smith.

Jane Smith: [over a speakerphone] Well, so are a lot of girls.

John Smith: Hiya, stranger.

Jane Smith: Hiya back.

Jane Smith: There's this huge space between us, and it just keeps filling up with everything that we *don't* say to each other. What's that called?

Marriage Counselor: Marriage.

John Smith: Careful, Jane. I can push the button any time I like.

Jane Smith: Baby, you couldn't find the button with both hands and a map.

John Smith: [while dancing, after Jane asked what had happened to their marriage] I have a theory, newly developed.

Jane Smith: I'm breathless to hear it.

John Smith: I think you killed us.

Jane Smith: Provocative.

John Smith: Why do you care? I was just a cover

Jane Smith: Who says you were just a cover?

John Smith: [pauses] Wasn't I?

John Smith: I never went to MIT. Notre Dame. Art history major.

Jane Smith: Art?

John Smith: History! It's reputable.

John Smith: I realise you witnessed the Mrs. and I working through a few domestic issues. That's regrettable but don't take that to be a sign of weakness, that would be a mistake on your part.

[Jane is drumming her fingers impatiently]

John Smith: Honey!

Jane Smith: Wrap it up.

John Smith: Maybe it's not such a good idea to undermine me in front of the hostage - sends a mixed message.

Jane Smith: Sorry.

John Smith: Girls. Where was I?

Benjamin: Mistake on your part.

John Smith: Shut up.

Jane Smith: [over a speakerphone] you really expect me to roll over and play dead?

John Smith: [over the Bluetooth headset phone] Well, you should be used to it after five years of marriage.

Jane Smith: Six... and I'm not leaving.

[both have discovered that they were on the desert and one tried to kill the other]

John Smith: I missed you.

Jane Smith: I missed you too.

Marriage Counselor: [during a marriage counseling session] On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate the happiness of your marriage?

Jane Smith: 8

John Smith: Wait Could you clarify? Is 10 the highest? 10 being perfectly happy and 1 being totally miserable or...

Marriage Counselor: Just respond instinctively.

John Smith: Ok. Ready?

Jane Smith, John Smith: 8.

Jane Smith: [during a marriage counseling session with John present] We re-did the house.

John Smith: [over the Bluetooth headset phone] The first time we met, what was your first thought?

Jane Smith: [over her speakerphone, trying to beat John home] You tell me.

John Smith: I thought... I thought you looked like Christmas morning, I don't know how else to say it.

Jane Smith: [over her speakerphone, trying to beat John home] And why are you telling me this now?

John Smith: I guess in the end you start thinking about the beginning... so there it is, I thought you should know.

Jane Smith: I told you to wait for my signal, you didn't wait for my signal.

John Smith: Well, I improvised.

Jane Smith: You deviated from the plan.

John Smith: The plan was flawed.

Jane Smith: The plan was not flawed.

John Smith: Anal.

Jane Smith: *Organized.*

John Smith: Jane, 90% of this job is instinct.

Jane Smith: Well, your instinct set off *every* alarm in the building!

John Smith: My instinct got the job done. It may not have been the Jane show...

Jane Smith: No, it was the John show: it was half-assed. Like Christmas, like our anniversary, like the time you forgot to bring my mother's birthday present.

John Smith: Your *fake* mother's birthday present.

Jane Smith: The point is, you are *always* the first to break team.

John Smith: You don't want a team, you want a servant for hire.

Jane Smith: I want someone I can count on.

John Smith: [sigh] Jane, there's no *air* around you anymore.

Jane Smith: [irritated] Oh. OK, what is that supposed to mean?

John Smith: That means there's no room for mistakes, no mistakes whatsoever. No spontaneity. Who can answer to that?

Jane Smith: Well, you don't have to. Because this isn't even a real marriage.

[brooding silence]

Benjamin: [locked up in the back of the van, in a bewildered voice] *Who are you people?*

Jane Smith: [yelling] Shut up!

Marriage Counselor: [during a therapy session with John present] How often do you have sex?

Jane Smith: I don't understand the question.

[first lines]

John Smith: [at the marriage counselor's] OK, I'll go first. Um... Let me say, uh, we don't really need to be here. See, we've been married for five years.

Jane Smith: Six.

John Smith: [chastened] Five, six years.

John Smith: Did you hear the helicopter dropping me off that night for our anniversary dinner?

Jane Smith: No. Oh, percussion grenades. I was partially deaf that evening.

John Smith: That left of yours is a thing of beauty.

Jane Smith: Mmm. You take it well.

Girls walking by House: What's going on, Mrs. Smith?

Jane Smith: Garden party, girls.

Jane Smith: [lying down in the hallway of their home] You ever have trouble sleeping after?

John Smith: [leaning on the wall next to her] No.

Jane Smith: Me neither.

John Smith: [talking about their predicament, at their dinner table in a fancy restaurant] So what do we do, Jane? Shoot it out here? Hope for the best?

Jane Smith: Well, that would be a shame because they would probably ask me to leave once you are dead.

Jane Smith: [dancing with John, he's just finished searching her for weapons] Satisfied?

John Smith: Not for years.

Jane Smith: [hiding with John in a display shed in a Cost Mart store] There's nowhere I'd rather be than here with you.

Jane Smith: [comparing injuries with John, lying down on the hallway of their home] I can't feel anything in these three fingers.

Jasmine: What? Your husband is the shooter? That's impossible.

Jane Smith: Really?

John Smith: [both pointing guns at each other; John drops his shotgun] You want it? It's yours.

Jane Smith: [angrily, insistently] Don't! C'mon! C'mon!

Jane Smith: [toasting with John in Columbia] To dodging bullets.

Jane Smith: [before she breaks Marco Racin's neck] Have you been selling big guns to bad people?

Jane Smith: You were bait.

Benjamin: In a manner of speaking.

Jane Smith: *Were* bait or *are* bait?

Jane Smith: I was never in the peace corps.