Jane Quotes in Johnny Mnemonic (1995)

Johnny Mnemonic: What the fuck is going on? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? You know, all my life, I've been careful to stay in my own corner. Looking out for Number One... no complications. Now, suddenly, I'm responsible for the *entire fucking world*, and everybody and his mother is trying to kill me, IF... IF... my head doesn't blow up first.

Jane: Maybe it's not just about you any more.

Johnny Mnemonic: Listen. You listen to me. You see that city over there? THAT'S where I'm supposed to be. Not down here with the dogs, and the garbage, and the fucking last month's newspapers blowing *back* and *forth*. I've had it with them, I've had it with you, I've had it with ALL THIS - *I want ROOM SERVICE*! I want the club sandwich, I want the cold Mexican beer, I want a $10,000-a-night hooker! I want my shirts laundered... like they do... at the Imperial Hotel... in Tokyo.

Jane: [Johnny successfully picks a lock to a door of an electronic store] Where did you learn to do that?

Johnny Mnemonic: Had a summer job breaking and entering.

Jane: Man owes me fifty thou' and he's scamming my phone card.

Johnny Mnemonic: And it's still our first date.

[Johnny and Jane have just broken into the computer warehouse]

Johnny Mnemonic: [swipes a pile of circuit boards and components off the desk and says to no one in particular] I need a Sino-logic 16.

Jane: [runs around the computer warehouse finding everything he calls for]

Johnny Mnemonic: Sogo 7 Data Gloves, a GPL stealth module, one Burdine intelligent translator... Thompson iPhone.

Johnny Mnemonic: They'll negotiate; they're corporate.

Jane: So's the Yakuza.

J-Bone: [at the base of the LoTek headquarters: Heaven] Where's Spider?

Jane: He's dead.

J-Bone: [looks over at the twisted and burning hulk that was once Spider's van]

Jane: [shakes head] No, not there. Earlier.

[Jane looks on as Johnny's hands dance in the air]

Jane: What are you doing?

Johnny Mnemonic: Making a long distance phone call. Beijing. A hotel.

[Jennings visits the bank to deposit his $92 million-plus dollars and to ask for some cash. Jane, the banker, hands him a large envelope, which he had mailed to himself]

Jane: Your personal items.

Michael Jennings: Yes?

Jane: [Smiling about the postage on the envelope] You only needed four stamps.

[He sees that there are five postage stamps with the picture of Albert Einstein on each one]

Michael Jennings: Oh. Well, I guess I can afford the extra fifty cents.

[She laughs. He shakes the items out of the envelope. They include a watch, a book of matches, a pack of cigarettes, sunglasses, a diamond ring, a bent piece of steel, a coin, and other items]

Michael Jennings: Um, I don't think this is my stuff.

Jane: It's not?

Michael Jennings: No.

Jane: I, I, I don't know what happened.

Michael Jennings: That's all right. Don't worry about it. I'll... um, it doesn't matter. Let's talk about my shares. Um, what I'd like to do is get some money now.

[They both laugh]

Michael Jennings: And, you know, put the rest away for long term, you know, to live off. So, how do we do that?

Jane: [puzzled] Mr. Jennings, you forfeited your shares.

Michael Jennings: I beg your pardon? What?

Jane: Yeah, uh, here. Uh, dated, um, four weeks ago. You surrendered the shares and stated to deliver only the envelope with personals. Don't you remember doing that, sir?

Jane: Let me fix you another drink, Tommy.

Tom Powers: You mean to say you got any of that stuff left?

Jane: Ha-ha-ha. You haven't drank so much.

Tom Powers: Well, I can drink it as long as you can pour it.

Tom Powers: I'm going to hit the hay.

Jane: I thought you'd like a little nightcap, Tommy. You don't need to feel ashamed in front of me Tommy. Here, let me help you.

[Jane starts to undress Tom]

Tom Powers: I don't need any help.

Jane: Be a good boy and sit down. I'll take your shoes off too. I want to do things for you, Tommy. You don't think I'm old, do you Tommy?

Tom Powers: No.

Jane: You like me, don't you Tommy?

Tom Powers: Sure... What's the idea?

Jane: Just a good night kiss for a fine boy.

Jane: In your hat.

Jane: Breakfast is all ready, Tommy.

Tom Powers: I ain't hungry. Pour me some coffee, will you, and make it black.

Jane: You aren't sorry are you?

Tom Powers: Sorry? Sorry about what?

Jane: For last night.

Tom Powers: What do you mean? For getting drunk?

Jane: Aren't you the little play actor.

Tom Powers: Wait a minute... Do you mean that... Why you...

[Tom slaps Jane]

Jane: Is Dave in trouble?

Leander: Yeah, I think so.

Jane: This may sound like a foolish feminine question but why don't you help him?

Leander: I can't. He's doing it to himself.

Jane: I guess this is the part where you become a charming memory.

The Montana Kid: Not quite. Uh, turns out there's a fair bit of debt that has to be satisfied before I can leave this, uh, this town.

[reading]

The Montana Kid: I owe fer nine bullets, one tea cup, one shear pin, one case o' snails, one carrot, laundry and sewin' services, 4 horse shoes, one portrait of a ugly lady, one bag o' cats... Wait a minute. Oh, that's oats.

The Montana Kid: She is most definitely worth a bullet.

Jane: [Jane overhears what The Montana Kid said] Hey!

The Montana Kid: No. I meant... I don't mean it that way.

Jane: Do you want your showdown or not?

Jane: You know, it's really unpleasant to sit downwind of you.

Jane: So why is there a price on your head?

[last lines]

Jane: So do I still get your horse?

The Montana Kid: What's wrong with you people?

Ben Cutler: You ain't worth the bullet.

The Montana Kid: She is most definitely worth a bullet.

Jane: Hey!

Jane: Why don't you just let it go?

The Montana Kid: Cuz I can't.

[sighs]

The Montana Kid: Cuz if I let it go now, then I shoulda let it go when them 3 guys in Missouri called me a cheat. Now you tell me. Did they die for nothin'? And if I let them guys in Missouri go, then I shoulda let it go when that man was whoopin' that dog. Now does that sound right to you? Beatin' on a helpless dog? If I was able to let that man go for beatin' on that mutt, then sure as hell no reason I couldn'ta just walked away when I was called out in Wyoming, or Santa Fe, and twice in Arizona. If I was so damned smart to walk away when I was called out, then I should have the wherewithal to use my gun in self-defense, twice. And if I shoulda been able to avoid that, then there's no arguable reason why I couldn'ta just gone to the sheriff, insteada killin' the man that whipped my pa.

Jane: I thought he shot your pa.

The Montana Kid: Just beat 'im up. Broke his jaw and bloody nose but... Taught a common thief a lesson, he said, how do you like that?

[laughs]

The Montana Kid: Common. He was anything but common. He was my pa. When I shot that man, like it or not, this is my path. This is what I do. And I am what I do.

[rides off]

Jane: Frankly, I'd like to stick it to 'em good!

Claire: What did you have in mind, Tiger?

Jane: Well, I don't know.

[In a saloon, Jane and Marv Fogleman "Chief T-Man" are in there, and Jane is disguised silly like a saloon girl. Howard "Jane's fiancé" and his mother just arrive]

Howard Carlisle: Jane!

Jane: Howard!

Howard Carlisle: What are you doing in here?

Jane: Uh? I was uh... having a little refreshment.

Mother Carlisle: Oh, is that what they call it these days? Ask her who the man is, Howard.

Howard Carlisle: Who is that...?

Jane: Howard, I'll call you later.

Mother Carlisle: Ask her who the man is, Howard!

Howard Carlisle: Who is that...?

Jane: Howard, I'll call you later!

[Howard's mom pokes him, still forcing him to ask it]

Howard Carlisle: Who is that man?

Jane: He's just a guy. He bought me a drink, is that a crime?

Mother Carlisle: I told you she wasn't right for you, in the first place.

Howard Carlisle: Yes, Mother.

Jane: Are you still mad at me?

Major Frank Cross: Well, that depends.

Jane: On what?

Major Frank Cross: On what you're wearing.

Eric: We'll lose a lot of money if Jane doesn't help us.

Tarzan: Money?

Rita: Yes, money - you know, to get clothes and food and ...

Tarzan: Food, clothes, money?

Eric: No, Tarzan, you don't understand. Money isn't that, it's ...

Jane: Of course he doesn't understand. I hope he never does!

Tarzan: [sees that Jane has been crying] Jane no happy?

Jane: How shall I tell you, darling? I love Tarzan. Tarzan is Jane's love. Like the stars over the night. Like the air to breathe. Tarzan makes me alive. But Eric and Rita are my friends. Friends. Like rain at the end of the summer. Like the wind moving the tops of the jungle. I'm yours. You are mine. But I must help Rita. She's my friend. Friend. As Tarzan is Cheeta's friend to help her when she was in the trap.

Tarzan: Trap?

Jane: Yes, trap.

Tarzan: Leguna?

Jane: No darling, not a real trap. Just as strong. Just as horrible.

Tarzan: Jane want go?

Jane: Don't you remember how you went when Timba was in the pit the tribes had dug?

Tarzan: Jane want go?

Jane: Tarzan, believe me. When the moon has made safari three times - three times - and when she comes out of the river, big and round, and looks in on us here, she'll find us as we are now. Together. And my safari will be over forever. And I will never go away again.

Jane: What's the matter?

Tarzan: People!

Jane: [to baby Boy] Now see that you turn on the charm, because I don't think Tarzan approves of strange young men.

[Tarzan has built a rocking cradle]

Jane: Oh Tarzan, how clever!

[to baby Boy]

Jane: Now say 'Thank you, Father! Thank you, Father!'

Tarzan: Tarzan!

Jane: [places baby Boy in the cradle] Isn't he adorable? Um Tarzan, would you watch him for a minute?

Tarzan: [confused] Watch?

Jane: Yes, I have something to do in the kitchen. Would you hold his bottle and see he doesn't choke?

Tarzan: Him no choke!

[Tarzan gives baby Boy his bottle. Boy grabs onto Tarzan's finger]

Tarzan: Jane! Jane!

Jane: What is it, Tarzan?

[walks to the cradle]

Jane: Oh look, he knows you already! He's laughing at you.

Tarzan: Baby hold!

Jane: That's right! Hold him, baby!

Tarzan: Baby strong!

Jane: Tarzan, he's been with us more than a week now. We've got to find him a name.

Tarzan: Name?

Jane: Yes, like Tarzan, Jane, Cheeta. Baby's got to have a name, too. If the Zambilis hadn't taken those men out of the plane, we might have found a clue to his real name.

Tarzan: Baby strong. Call Elephant!

Jane: [laughs] Elephant? With a little nose like that?

Tarzan: Later call Elephant. Now call Boy!

Jane: Oh, but that's not a name.

Tarzan: Boy!

Jane: Well, after all, I am his mother.

Tarzan: Tarzan father! Call boy!

Jane: [picks up baby Boy and hands him to Tarzan] Then go to your father, Boy. And later on, he'll teach you all the things you'll ever need to know in the jungle. Then look out all you lions and tigers and snakes and crocodiles and cannibals out there in the jungle! The king has a son!

[last lines]

Tarzan: Jane not go! Jane not die!

[pause]

Tarzan: Jane all right?

Jane: Yes Darling. Everything's all right now.

Vojtisek: What is your name?

Jane: Jane.

Vojtisek: My name is Charles. Would you be so kind to show me which way is the officer's mess?

Other WAAF girl: Oh, you cant probably leave while on stand by, can you?

Vojtisek: [pointing on Jane's cup] Your tea is well.

Jane: Good.

Vojtisek: My English is good?

Jane: The tea is good.

Vojtisek: Ah... wrong again... I would need

[in Czech]

Vojtisek: I need teacher.

[first lines]

Boy: Cheetah! What is it?

Jane: Cheetah must be seeing things. What is it, Tarzan? What is it?

Tarzan: Uguna. Strange sound in sky. Big. Far off.

Jane: I don't hear anything.

Tarzan: Tarzan hear. Cheetah hear. Elephant hear.

Boy: Now I hear it. Like a great wind coming.

Jane: We are going into places where men's minds are tangled worse that the worst underbrush in the jungle, and I'm afraid. More afraid than I've ever been in my life. Everywhere we'll be met with lies and deceit. Your honesty and directness will only be handicaps.

Tarzan: [inside the smoke-filled Club Moonbeam in New York] Smell like a Swahili swamp. Why people stay?

Jane: It's what they call having a good time.

Tarzan: Boy little Tarzan.

Jane: And I want him to grow up to be a big Tarzan.

Tarzan: Tarzan watch Boy.

Jane: I know you will. I know I shouldn't worry. I know there's no need to worry as long as you're with me. At first, I used to have so many little fears for myself, for Boy. But one by one, you've chased them all away. Wouldn't it be strange if someday I became as brave as you are?

Tarzan: Jane no need to be brave. Jane beautiful. Jane good.

Jane: You are my goodness, darling. My strength.

Tarzan: [pointing] Jane. Tarzan. Tarzan. Jane.

Jane: You mustn't be angry with him, dear. He realizes so little yet.

Tarzan: Boy good. People bad.

Jane: We mustn't blame them for wanting gold. In the outside world, gold means as much to them as the strength in your arms means to you.

Tarzan: People nowrashima. Fools!

Jane: Not all of them. But none of them have what we have.

Tarzan: Tarzan have Jane.

Jane: They'll be gone tomorrow and we'll be alone again. Wonderfully alone as we've always been. Has it seemed a long time, Tarzan?

Tarzan: Sun make one safari for Jane Tarzan.

Jane: Oh Tarzan! A poet couldn't have said that more beautifully!

[last lines]

Jane: He'll never tell where his riches came from. You can be sure of that.

Tarzan: Tarzan sure.

Tarzan: Jane like Tarzan?

Jane: What woman wouldn't like a husband who brings her orchids?

Boy: There's a whole valley of orchids just across the river.

Jane: I know, darling, but out in civilization, they don't grow that way. You have to be very rich to have them. You don't realize what a very wealthy man your father is.

Boy: Who? Tarzan?

Jane: Yes. He has everything any man could want. Everything.

Tarzan: [sweeps Jane into his arms] Tarzan have Jane!

Jane: How do you do, Mr. O'Doul?

O'Doul: I'm doing better, ma'am, thanks to your charming presence.

Tarzan: O'Doul good little man. Like Cheeta.

O'Doul: Ah, now don't be comparin' me with him, Mr. Tarzan. If this here heathen resembles anybody, it's me wife's second brother, Marcus V. O'Connell.

Jane: My, the water's beautiful tonight!

Tarzan: Not water. Jane!

Jane: Mr. Tarzan, as nice little Mr. O'Doul would say, 'tis blarney you're giving me.

Tarzan: Blarney?

Jane: We call it love, darling. Do you remember when we first used to swim here?

Tarzan: Tarzan remember.

Jane: To think that I was ever frightened of you. You know, Tarzan, when a man meets a young lady in the outside world, he doesn't dare behave not one bit like you did.

Tarzan: What man do?

Jane: Well, they shake hands, that is, if she offers him her hand. Then he bows from the hips and asks permission to call. And then if she's of age, he takes her to some parties or theater or somewhere to dine. And then, if he decides he wants her for his wife, he goes to see her father.

Tarzan: Why? What do with father?

Jane: To ask him his permission to marry his daughter.

Tarzan: Why?

Jane: That's the way it's done. Politely. With etiquette.

Tarzan: Too much talk. Tarzan way better.

Jane: Kimba, we'd like for you to stay with us until you feel strong enough to go home.

Kimba: Kimba thanks kind lady with golden hair.

Jane: What right do you have to sit in judgement on men who are trying to help the world?

Young: I don't dislike your father - I just think he's wrong in some of his attitudes.

Jane: Oh?

Young: Like a good many of them who've been here a few years. They're well-intentioned, they've managed to keep stability in the country so far, but basically they think the Indians are a bunch of no-goods.

Sonny: What the fuck did you do to his eyes? I only left you with him for two minutes!

Jane: You should have seen what I did to his bollocks.

Jane: [admiring Jungle Jack's knife] Oooh! That is a big one.

Jungle Jack: You ain't seen nothin' yet, baby.

The Leopard Queen: [discussing male prisoners] Naturally I'll have to punish them. Not quite sure how. Perhaps I could cut something off.

Jane: You can't possibly cut those off.

The Leopard Queen: Why not? They do it to horses.

Jane: Listen to the sounds of the jungle. Aren't they wonderful?

Tarzan: What Jane dream about?

Jane: Just thinking about all the happy years we've spent in the jungle together.

Boy: Tarzan, weren't you ever lonesome living alone in the jungle before you met Jane?

Tarzan: No. Lots of animal friends in jungle. Jungle much more peaceful before woman come.

Jane: Well, I like that!

Jane: Mama doesn't mean anything by it, Ellie, she only wants what's best for us.

Ellie: Well she better stay the *hell* out of my way!

Lola: [callling for Tarzan] Tarzan!

Tarzan: Lola call.

Jane: When Lola call, Tarzan run.

Tarzan: Jane run, too.

Jane: [jealous] Yeah, Jane run, too!

Aro: What a happy surprise... Bella is alive after all. Isn't that wonderful? I love a happy ending... they are so rare.

Aro: [as he grabs Edward's hand to read his thoughts] La tua cantante. Her blood appeals to you so much... it makes me thirsty. How can you stand to be so close to her?

Edward Cullen: It's not without difficulty.

Aro: Yes I can see that.

Edward Cullen: Aro can read every thought I ever had, with one touch. And now you know everything. So get on with it.

Aro: You are quite a soul reader yourself Edward. Though, you can't read Bella's thoughts... Fascinating!

Aro: [to Bella] I would love to see... if you are an exception to my gifts as well. Would you do me the honor?

Aro: [after holding Bella's hand] Interesting. I see nothing. I wonder if... Let us see if she's immune to all our powers. Shall we, Jane?

Edward Cullen: No!

Jane: Pain.

Bella Swan: [as Edward starts to writhe in pain] Stop! Stop, please! Stop! Stop! Just stop hurting him, please! Please!

Aro: Jane?

Jane: [as she stops torturing Edward] Master?

Aro: Go ahead my dear.

Jane: [to Bella] This may hurt just a little.

Aro: [after nothing happens to Bella] Hahahahahaha. Remarkable. She confounds us all. So, what do we do with you now?

Marcus: You already know what you're going to do Aro.

Caius: She knows to much. She's a liability.

Aro: That's true. Felix?

Bella Swan: [after Edward saves her from being killed by attacking Felix, but is about to be killed himself] Please! No, no! Please! Kill me... kill me. Not him

Aro: How extraordinary. You would give up your life... for someone like us. A vampire. A soulless monster.

Edward Cullen: Bella get away from him.

Bella Swan: You don't know a thing... about his soul.

Aro: Forse è uno o l'altro. Ah this is a sadness. If only it where your intention to give her immortality.

Alice Cullen: [Stopping Aro from killing Bella] Wait! Bella will be one us. I've seen it. I'll change her myself.

Jane: This may hurt just a little.

Jane: [from trailer] She's still human. The Volturi don't give second chances.

Parker: Jane, do you know what he wants? What this ape wants?

Jane: He's not an ape!

Parker: He is an ape. He lives like an ape, he kills like an ape. But do you understand what he wants?

Jane: You know everything...

Parker: Well, this ape son of a bitch wants you.

Parker: I'm gonna catch that animal son of a bitch, Mr Holt!

Jane: Don't you know how to smile? Do you know you're more beautiful than any girl I know? Oh, you're a lot more.

Jane: You promised no one would get hurt. You gave your word.

Captain Hook: And Captain Hook always keeps his word. I promised I would not harm a hair on Peter Pan's head.

[Plucks a hair from Peter's head]

Captain Hook: And this is the one I won't harm. Here, you keep it.

[Gives it to Jane]

Captain Hook: The rest of him is mine.

Jane: She tried to kill me!

Peter Pan: She's just jealous. All girls get like that around me.

Jane: Oh, how very nice for you.

Jane: And I especially don't believe in fairies!

Peter Pan: How come you want to go home so bad?

Jane: I have to get back to my family.

Peter Pan: Why?

Jane: I don't want to talk about it.

Peter Pan: Why not?

Jane: If you must know we had a fight.

Peter Pan: Why?

Jane: I... told my little brother you weren't real.

Peter Pan: *What*?

[falls]

Peter Pan: Why?

Jane: I don't know. But I've got to go back and set things right.

Peter Pan: Why?

Jane: Because! That's why!

Jane: Maybe you're full of hot air.

Danny: Come on, Jane, we've beat old Captain Hook together!

Jane: Daniel, please! I have no time for fun and games

Danny: You use to, you were going to be the very first lost girl ever!

Jane: That was a long time ago

Danny: Yeah, back when you were fun!

Jane: Not so fast, you old codfish! Or you'll have to answer to me!

Peter Pan: Jane...?

Captain Hook: Good heavens! Run! Run for your lives! It's... A little girl.

[laughs]

Jane: Don't you see, Hook? You will never win. Not as long as there's faith, trust, and pixie dust.

Nibs: Yeah all it takes is faith.

Slightly: Trust.

Cubby: And uh, something else.

Jane: Pixie dust?

Cubby: [bumps into Nibs] That's it, ow.

Peter Pan: If you're not Wendy, then who are you?

Jane: I'm her daughter, Jane.

Peter Pan: Then if you're Wendy's daughter, you're gonna love it here.

Jane: Look, who's in charge here?

Nanatwo (the dog): Woof?

Jane: Don't be silly, I am. Now come on!

Edward: I need you here to take care of your mom and Danny. Can you do that for me?

Jane: Mm-hmm.

Edward: That's my big girl.

Wendy Darling: Jane dear, will you promise me something? Promise you'll watch over Danny whatever might happen.

Jane: What?

Wendy Darling: You and your brother are going away for a while.

Jane: Away? Where?

Wendy Darling: All the children are being evacuated into the country. It's so dangerous here. But you'll be safe there, both of you.

Jane: I'm not going. I'm staying here.

Wendy Darling: But dear, an order has been issued. Every child must go.

Jane: But daddy said that I'm supposed...

Wendy Darling: I know, dear, but you can take care of Danny. Tell him Peter Pan stories. He needs them, Jane. And so you do. Please, dear, promise me.

Jane: No! I will not promise!

Wendy Darling: Oh, Jane. We'll be together again. You must have faith.

Jane: Faith?

[kicks stuffed monkey and throws pillow to the floor]

Jane: Trust? Pixie Dust? Mother, those are just words from your stories. They don't mean anything.

Anthea: Robert, wait for us!

Robert: I'm sure we're going the right way.

Jane: How many times have you said that? I still don't understand why we had to leave home.

Robert: Jane, we're going on a secret mission behind enemy lines. The chances are that none of us will make it back alive.

Robert: Come on, I can see light!

Jane: There's sea up ahead, and it's not raining!

Robert: It's beautiful!

Cyril: Robert, wait!

Robert: Look at it!

Psammead: I am a Sand Fairy!

Jane: A Sand Fairy? I thought fairies had little ballet dresses and wings and wands.

Psammead: What on earth have you been reading?

Jane: I'll call you Sandy.

Psammead: Why?

Jane: Because we found you in the sand.

Psammead: You're so funny. Have your parents tried boiling you?

Cyril: Robert, wait, where are you going?

Robert: Here's a clue. It rhymes with hand hairy.

Cyril: No way, we're not going back. You saw all the trouble that wish got us into.

Robert: Oh look, this must be the pole that's been sticking up Cyril's ...

Cyril: Back off! You can insult me all you like, but ...

Robert: Thanks, but I'll save that for later. I'm going, whether you're coming or not.

Jane: Hand hairy? Sand fairy!

Jane: That hole doesn't look very comfortable. Would you like to come and sit next to me, like Flopsy? He's my rabbit.

Psammead: You have a rabbit called Flopsy? Has he got no spine? Your ability with naming things is not very good, child.

Psammead: Were the vases smashed to smithereens?

Jane: Yes.

Psammead: Add the floor flooded and dictionaries drenched?

Cyril: They were.

Psammead: And the house burned to the ground?

Robert: No.

Psammead: House didn't burn to the ground? I'd say you got off pretty lightly then, all things considered.

Robert: Not so fast, Sand Fairy!

Cyril: You made them ruin the house on purpose, didn't you?

Psammead: Look, it's not me, it's the rules. You make a wish, it goes horribly wrong, and then you learn something valuable.

Robert: That's terrible. I don't need to learn anything!

Psammead: Of course, everything is back to normal by sunset.

Peasemarsh: There's just the small matter of a deposit in case of misadventure.

Jane: Ours are always misadventures.

Peasemarsh: I dare say.

Anthea: Oh my gosh, I've got wings!

Jane: So soft, so white...

Cyril: The little - He must've made a wish! He's out of control. I don't know how I'm gonna cut it. What am I gonna tell Mum? Look at you!

Robert: Cyril!

Cyril: You've done it again. What were you thinking?

Robert: I'm going to France to see Dad!

Cyril: France?

Robert: His letter said he wished he could fly to see us. He can't, but we can fly to him. Come on!

Cyril: Robert, wait!

Jane: Mummy, I can't believe you're home!

Robert: Mum, we didn't know you were coming!

Jane: Did you get my letter?

Mother: Yes, I did, precious.

Cyril: Something's wrong.

Mother: It's your father.

Robert: Is he here?

Mother: No, Robert. His plane went down behind enemy lines several days ago. He's missing.

Robert: No!

Psammead: You don't get many cards these days. You know how it is after your 6,523rd birthday.

Anthea: You don't look that old.

Psammead: I drink a lot of moisturizer.

Jane: And you can't have a birthday without a present. Here.

Psammead: Brown paper, my favorite!

Jane: No, you have to unwrap it.

Psammead: Oh, yes, I knew that.

Martha: In the morning, I'll give you a tour of the grounds. You're allowed everywhere except the greenhouse. That's strictly off limits.

Jane: Why would a greenhouse be off limits?

Anthea: Maybe the plants are deadly, like in "The Black Rose Of Devil's Island".

Jane: Maybe.

Martha: The greenhouse is off limits because I said it is. So just stay out of it, and everything will be fine. Here we go.

[hums]

Cyril: She's right, you know. This is big. It's huge. It's immense. It's monumentally, colossally ginormous.

Jane: Is that even a word?

Anthea: Apparently it is now.

Martha: What a to-do today turned out to be.

Jane: Oh... It wasn't us. Honestly, it was the sand fairy...

Cyril: Jane!

Martha: Sand fairy, huh?

Jane: Err... No!

Cyril: No. She didn't say "sand fairy", she said... She said...

Anthea: Safari.

Cyril: Safari. Yes.

Anthea: We were pretending to be on safari, and Cyril is an elephant.

Martha: A safari, of course. Well, now, if we all do as I do... we can undo all this to-do before tomorrow. Come along, you lot.

Jane: What do you think?

Psammead: Ah, well... Very good, I like err... the use of light and shadow, it's very effective. The subject is hideous monster, of course. As the sun here melts, the monster, he is shocked! His hair's on end and... oh, it's me.

[Jane chuckles]

Cyril: I said, let's not go crazy.

Robert: Oh, shut up!

Jane: Hurry up.

Cyril: It's stuck.

Jane: Push it harder, Cyril.

Cyril: Buckets of the stuff.

Jane: I've got you, Sand Fairy.

Psammead: [to Jane] Hello. You're my favorite one of the bunch, you know.

Anthea: I've got you too.

Psammead: [to Anthea] Well, you're my favorite one of the bunch, too.

[to Cyril]

Psammead: And you're very tall.

Cyril: Come on.

Psammead: Just burp me once.

Jane: How you doin' Lyle? How's that pretty Mrs. of yours?

Lyle: Oh, fine.

Jane: He's married to a former Miss Universe.

Nick Deezy: Really?

Lyle: Yeah, I don't just move ashtrays.

Jane: Why those rifles, Cliff? He's a human being.

Cliff Chandler: Like I told you before, to me he's a monster.

Jane: Professor Henry, did you see? The yeti is alright. We made friends with him. He's sweet and gentle. We're not in any danger now.

Prof. Wassermann: I know, I can see that, Jane. He's adopted you as his family. He's mistaken Herbie for his son and maybe you for his wife.

Cliff Chandler: She might have some duties to fulfill when she stays here tonight.

[Jane gasps in shock]

Jane: [Last Lines] Yeti, Boy, Girl... Thank you, but please, go away. Go away. This world is not for you. Go back to the wilderness, to the mountains, where life was like you knew it. Goodbye, Yeti.

Tarzan: I never knew them.

Jane's friends: Oh.

Tarzan: They were killed by Sabor, the leopard...

Jane's friends: Oh.

Tarzan: In this room...

Jane's friends: Oh!

Tarzan: Right there.

Jane: Tarzan!

Jane: Hey Judy, wanna come with me to the big shopping mall tomorrow?

Judy Jetson: Oh I don't think I could possibly... What time does it open?

[the bore driller is operational while the Jetsons, Astro, Teddy 2, Fergie, Apollo Blue, Squet and the Grungies are still underground]

[motioning to the Jetsons]

Squet: Come on, come on, come on!

[the ground starts to give way under his feet]

Elroy Jetson: Oh no! Squet!

[grabs Squet's hand]

Elroy Jetson: Hang on!

[the ceiling crumbles over their heads, knocking them down over a edge]

Jane: [scared to death] ELROY!

[Everyone works together to move rocks. The Grungies form a 'human' chain to save Elroy and Squek as George and Jane look at each other with conerned looks on their faces. The Grungies pull a dirty Elroy, who is holding Squet, out from the caved in area]

Teddy 2: He's got Squet!

George Jetson: Elroy!

[picks up Elroy and Squet]

George Jetson: Oh thank God your safe son.

Jane: [Takes Elroy into her arms from George] Oh Elroy, darling. I was afraid.

[tears in her eyes]

Jane: I was so afraid.

Elroy Jetson: I'm ok, mom, I'm ok. Squet's ok, too.

[he slaps hands with Squet and the Grungies chant Squets name]

George Jetson: [to the grungies] Thanks to all of you.

[the Grungies cheer]

George Jetson: C'mon everybody. We've got to stop the drilling! C'mon!

[Everyone runs off]

Martin Sixsmith: What you're talking about is what they call a human interest story; I don't do those.

Jane: Why not?

Martin Sixsmith: Because "human interest story" is a euphemism for stories about weak-minded, vulnerable, ignorant people, to fill in newspapers read by vulnerable, weak-minded, ignorant people. Not that you are.

Jane: How do you feel about that, going to America with Martin?

Philomena: [hesitates] I, uh, I don't know.

Jane: I could come with you if you like.

Philomena: No no no, you have your work. I'm only worried that Martin would have to go all that way with a daft old woman like me.

Martin Sixsmith: I don't think you're daft.

Philomena: Oh, go away widja.

Martin Sixsmith: Or old.

Jane: [reading] The soul takes flight to the world that is eternal... invisible. But there arriving she is sure of bliss, and forever dwells in paradise.

[Jane, a Protestant, watches Lady Anne Wharton curtsy and cross herself before holy bread, believed by Catholics to contain the true presence of Christ]

Jane: Why do you curtsy?

Lady Anne: I am curtsying to the Host, my lady. To Him that made us all.

Jane: Oh, I see! So God made you, and the baker, apparently, made God!

Guilford: Go on, ask me.

Jane: What?

Guilford: What I want.

Jane: What do you want?

Guilford: Oh, I think you know. I want a world where men are not branded or sent into slavery because they can't grow the food they need to eat. Go on.

Jane: Well,

[smashes goblet]

Jane: it's done.

Guilford: Tell me, did you see his chest?

Jane: Yes, it was marked.

Guilford: No, it wasn't. It was branded. A mark burnt into him with a red-hot iron.

Jane: When I see your face again, I want it for all eternity.

Dr. Feckinham: And what would you be prepared to die for, Lady Jane?

Jane: I would die to free our people from the chains of bigotry and superstition.

Dr. Feckinham: What superstition did you have in mind?

Jane: Well, for example, the idea that a piece of bread can become the body of our Savior, father.

Dr. Feckinham: Did he not say at his Last Supper, "Take, eat, this is my body"?

Jane: He also said, "I am the vine, I am the door." Was he a vine, was he a door?

Dr. Feckinham: Who has been teaching you to say such things?

Jane: Don't you think I could have thought of them myself?

Dr. Feckinham: It is a privilege to talk to anyone whose love of learning shines like yours.

Jane: It is my only pleasure, Dr. Feckinham.

Dr. Feckinham: Plato, in Greek! Not easy.

Jane: Don't you think so?

Jane: You gave them all that money and they just threw it back at you?

Guilford: Money? Do you know what's happened to the value of money?

Jane: No.

[Guilford slides Jane a coin]

Guilford: What's that?

Jane: A penny.

Guilford: No, it isn't. It's a shilling.

Jane: It can't be, shillings are made of silver.

Guilford: Should be, used to be. But not now.

Guilford: So then we will.

Jane: Yes, we will.

Guilford: We'll fly.

Jane: We'll fly.

Guilford: Away, beyond their reach.

Jane: So far...

Guilford: Their touch can't tarnish us, and at last, we will be...

Jane: Nothing...

Guilford: Nobody...

Jane: Each other's.

Guilford: Only this time, forever.

Jane: I've got a headache that can't swim.

Jane: I'm Jane Doe. A nameless stranger. Even I don't know who I am.

Jane: I think maybe I'm obsessed by myself.

Jane: I want pills...

Jane: I just gotta do this on my own. 'Cause you don't exist!

Jane: Oh, Bert, we're so frightened.

Bert: Now, now, don't take on so. Bert will take care of you. Like I was your father. Now, who's after you?

Jane: Father is.

Bert: What?

Michael: He brought us to see his bank.

Jane: I don't know what we did, but it must have been something dreadful.

Michael: He sent the police after us, and the army, and everything.

Jane: Michael, don't exaggerate.

Bert: Well now, there must be some mistake. Your dad's a fine gentleman and he loves you.

Jane: I don't think so. You should have seen the look on his face.

Michael: He doesn't like us at all.

Bert: Well now, that don't seem likely, does it?

Jane: It's true.

Bert: Let's sit down. You know, begging your pardon, but the one my heart goes out to is your father. There he is, in that cold heartless bank day after day, hammed in by mounds of cold heartless money. I don't like to see any living thing caged up.

Jane: Father in a cage?

Bert: They makes cages of all sizes and shapes, you know. Bank-shaped, some of them, carpets and all.

Jane: Father's not in trouble. We are.

Bert: Oh. Sure about that, are you? Look at it this way. You've got your mother to look after you and Mary Poppins and Constable Jones and me. Who looks after your father? Tell me that. When something terrible happens, what does he do? Fends for himself, he does. Who does he tell about it? No one. Don't blab his troubles at home. He just pushes on at his job, uncomplaining and alone and silent.

Michael: He's not very silent.

Jane: Michael, be quiet. Bert, do you think father really needs our help?

Bert: Well, it's not my place to say. I only observe that a father can always do with a bit of help. Come on, I'll take you home.

Jane: Mary Poppins, we won't let you go!

Mary Poppins: Go? What on earth are you talking about?

Michael: Didn't you get sacked?

Mary Poppins: Sacked? Certainly not. I am never sacked!

Jane: Oh, Mary Poppins!

Jane, Michael: Hurrah, hurray, hurray, hurray, hurray, hurray...

Mary Poppins: Neither am I a Maypole. Kindly stop spinning about me.

Bert: All right, I'll do it myself!

Mary Poppins: Do what?

Bert: Bit o' magic!

Michael: A bit of magic?

Bert: It's easy! Let's see... You think.

[he, Jane, and Michael do so]

Bert: You wink.

[they do so]

Bert: You do a double blink.

[they do so]

Bert: You close your eyes... and jump!

[They jump onto the drawing, nothing happens]

Jane: Is something s'posed to happen?

Mary Poppins: Bert, what utter nonsense!

[gives an exasperated sigh]

Mary Poppins: Why do you *always* complicate things that are really quite simple? Give me your hand please, Michael. Don't slouch. One... two...

[They jump into the chalk picture]

Jane: Good morning, father!

George W. Banks: [grumbles] 'Morning.

Jane: Mary Poppins taught us the most wonderful word!

Michael: Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!

George W. Banks: What on Earth are you talking about, supercal... super... or whatever the infernal thing is?

Jane: It's something to say when you don't know what to say.

George W. Banks: Yes, well, I always know what to say.

Jane: [reading advertisement for a new nanny] "Wanted: a nanny for two adorable children."

George Banks: Adorable. Well that's debatable, I must say.

Jane: [singing] If you want this choice position, have a cheery disposition...

George Banks: Jane, I don't...

Jane: Rosy cheeks, no warts...

Michael: That's the part I put in!

Jane: Play games, all sorts. You must be kind, you must be witty, very sweet, and fairly pretty...

George Banks: Well of all the ridiculous...!

Mrs. Banks: George, please!

Jane: Take us on outings, give us treats, sing songs, bring sweets. Never be cross or cruel. Never give us castor oil or gruel. Love us as a son and daughter, and never smell of barley water.

Michael: I put that in, too!

Jane: If you won't scold and dominate us, we will never give you cause to hate us. We won't hide your spectacles so you can't see, put toads in your bed, or pepper in your tea. Hurry, nanny! Many thanks! Sincerely...

Jane, Michael: Jane and Michael Banks!

[Uncle Albert had been asked if there is a way to get down from being up in the air]

Uncle Albert: There is a way. And frankly, I don't like to think of it, because you have to think of something sad.

Mary Poppins: Then do get on with it, please.

Uncle Albert: Let me see... I have the very thing: Yesterday, when the lady next door answered the door, there was a man there, and the man said to the lady, "I'm terribly sorry, I just ran over your cat."

[Jane and Michael descend from being up in the air]

Jane: Oh, that is sad.

Michael: The poor cat.

Uncle Albert: And the man said, "I'd like to replace your cat." And the lady said, "That's all right with me, but how are you with catching mice?"

[then they all burst out laughing and Jane and Michael re-ascend back to the tea table in the air]

Bert: Bert'll take care of you, just like I was your own father. Now who's after you?

Jane: Father is.

[Andrew the dog comes up to Mary Poppins and starts barking]

Mary Poppins: Not so fast please, I can't understand a word you're saying.

[Andrew barks slower]

Mary Poppins: Again? Oh, the poor man!

[Andrew barks again and sneezes]

Mary Poppins: Bless you.

[Andrew barks again]

Mary Poppins: Why yes, of course, there's not a moment to lose. I'll go straightaway! And thank you very much.

[Andrew barks]

Jane: What did he say?

Mary Poppins: He said 'You're welcome.'

Jane: What else did he say?

Michael: I don't think he said anything!

Mary Poppins: You know best, as usual.

Jane: An outing with father?

Mary Poppins: Yes.

Michael: I don't believe it!

Jane: He's never taken us on an outing before.

Michael: He's never taken us anywhere!

Jane, Mary Poppins: However did you manage it?

Mary Poppins: Manage what?

Jane: You must have put the idea in his head somehow.

Mary Poppins: What an impertinent thing to say! Me, putting ideas into people's heads? Really!

Jane: Where's he taking us?

Mary Poppins: To the bank.

Jane: Oh Michael, the city! We'll see all the sights and father can point them out to us!

Mary Poppins: Well, most things he can. Sometimes a person we love, through no fault of their own, can't see past the end of his nose.

Bert: Bert'll take care of you; like I was your own father. Now, who's after you?

Jane: Father is.

Bert: What?

Jane: [tasting Mary Poppins' magic medicine] Lime cordial, delicious!

Michael: Strawberry! Mmm.

Mary Poppins: Rum punch! Quite satisfactory.

[hiccups]

[Mary Poppins is leaving]

Michael: She doesn't care what happens to us.

Jane: She only promised to stay until the wind changes. Isn't that right Mary Poppins?

Mary Poppins: Will you be good enough to fetch my hatstand please?

Jane: Mary Poppins, don't you love us?

Mary Poppins: And what would happen to me, may I ask, if I loved all the children I said goodbye to?

[seeing Mary Poppins for the first time]

Michael: Perhaps it's a witch!

Jane: Of course not - witches have brooms!

Mary Poppins: Silence please, it's time to go to sleep.

Jane: Oh we couldn't possibly go to sleep, so many lovely and excited things happened today!

Mary Poppins: Did they?

Jane: Yes! When we jumped into Bert's chalk picture!

Michael: And we rode the merry-go-round, and the horses jumped off...

Jane: And we all went riding down the country side!

[they jump up and down shouting riding cries; Mary Poppins acts indifferent]

Mary Poppins: Really?

Jane: Mary Poppins, don't you remember? You won the horse race!

Mary Poppins: A respectable person like me, in a horse race? How dare you suggest such a thing!

Michael: But I saw you do it!

Mary Poppins: Now not another word or I shall have to summon a policeman! Is that clear?

Jane: Do you like my new dress?

Fletcher: What ever takes the focus off your head!

Clarissa: I can't believe that little impostor is going to ruin my summer!

Fiona: She may be a lot of things, but I can't believe impostor is one of them. Technically, she's 39th in line to the throne.

Clarissa: Really, Fiona. 38 people would have to die for her to be queen.

Jane: Well, it's far less than the 72 you'd need.

Clarissa: Hmph!

Christina: You're too big to fit in here...

[covers her front]

Courtney: Too big to fit in HERE...

[smacks butt]

Courtney: OW! Unh!

Jane: Too big to fit in here...

[covers mouth and moans]

Christina: [Patrons begin playing music and drumming on things] Oh, my God!

Courtney: Oh my god, we are in Fame right now!

Christina, Jane, Courtney: [All singing] What a lovely ride

Jane: Your penis is a thrill!

Christina: Your penis is a Cadillac!

Courtney: A giant Coupe DeVille!

Christina, Jane, Courtney: [All singing] Your penis packs a wallop, your penis brings a load.

Courtney: And when it makes delivery...

Christina: It needs its own zip code! Nine-double zero PENIS!

Jane: My body is a movie and your penis is the star!

Assistant: Well Mr. Mooney is downstairs and he is P-I-S-E-D.

Jane: Pised?

Jane: I can't believe I'm fucking a big purple elephant!

Christina, Courtney: Jane! JANEYYY!

Jane: Sorry you guys, I'm really busy and...

Christina, Courtney: Hey, wait, Jane

[they begin singing]

Christina, Courtney: "Do you like Pina Coladas? And getting caught in the rain...?"

Jane: [Watches her boyfriend in his mascot outfit topple down a flight of stairs] ... shit!

Christina, Jane, Courtney: [All Singing] What a lovely ride!

Jane: Your penis is a thrill!

Christina: Your penis is a Cadillac

Jane: A giant Coupe DeVille!

Christina, Jane, Courtney: [All singing] Your penis packs a wallop, your penis brings a load!

Christina: And when it makes delivery...

Christina, Jane, Courtney: [All singing] It needs its own zipcode

Christina: Nine-Double Zero, Penis!

Jane: I was taking inventory in the back.

Mr. Mooney: Yeah, my Aunt Fanny!

Jane: Ew.

Jane: What are you doing later?

Joe: I don't know. I'm either going to jail or hell I can't decide.

Jane: Actually, his new album tested well among teenage males.

Lucas: Jane, did you compare the percentage of teenage male Rex Manning fans to the incidence of homosexuality amongst teenage males?

Kevin: What about you? You don't have any needs?

Jane: No. I'm Jesus.

Jane: You tell him the truth or I will.

Tess: No, you won't. You wouldn't hurt a fly and you definitely wouldn't hurt me, I'm your sister.

Jane: That was yesterday. Today you're just some bitch who broke my heart and cut up my mother's wedding dress.

Kevin: [helping Jane practice saying no] Jane, give me fifty bucks.

Jane: No!

Kevin: Jane, it's fifty bucks. I'll pay you back.

Jane: No.

Kevin: [takes Jane's hand] Jane... I *need* you to give me fifty bucks.

Jane: [hesitantly] No?

Kevin: Eh... not bad. Can I have your drink?

Jane: Sure.

[beat]

Jane: No! Oh, no...

Kevin: [laughing] You were doing so well!

Jane: I feel like I just found out my favorite love song was written about a sandwich.

Jane: Wanna go find the ugliest stuff in the store and register Tess for it?

Kevin: Let's do it.

Jane: I think you should just admit that you're a big softy, that this whole cynical thing is just an act so that you can seem wounded and mysterious and sexy...

Kevin: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What was the last one?

Jane: What?

Kevin: Did you say "sexy"?

Jane: [nervous] What?

Kevin: You think I'm sexy?

Jane: No.

Kevin: It's okay if you do.

Jane: I don't!

Kevin: [motions to a "Gone With the Wind"-style dress] What the hell is that?

Jane: Theme wedding.

Kevin: What was the theme? Humiliation?

Jane's Aunt: Must be so hard to watch your younger sister get married before you.

Jane: Yes. Then I remember that I still get to have hot hate sex with random strangers and I feel SO much better!

Jane: [after spending a drunken night with Kevin] I just want you to know, I never do this.

Kevin: Oh, I know.

Jane: No, really. I never, never do this.

Kevin: No, really, I know. Last night, you kept saying it over and over again: "I never do this", "I *never* do this", "I never *do* this"...

Jane: Okay. I just wanted you to know.

Kevin: Wait, what are those?

Jane: [nervous] Nothing.

Kevin: Are those...?

Jane: No!

Kevin: Are they bridesmaid dresses?

Jane: This is none of your business!

Kevin: Oh... good God. What, you kept them all? You have a whole closetful? Why?

Jane: I have a lot of friends and I like to keep them.

Kevin: [snickering] Right. Well, that makes complete sense because they're... *beautiful*.

Jane: Some of them are not that bad.

Kevin: Not that bad? I'd like to see one of them that's not that bad.

Jane: [after passing out] Are you a doctor?

Kevin: No, but Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Drunk were bugging me.

Tess: [about their childhood dog] Not a day goes by that I don't think about that bag of fleas. Good old Tory.

George: Hey, Jane, how come you never mentioned Tory?

Jane: I don't know. I guess I repressed the memory of *Toby*.

Tess: Yeah, his name was Toby, but I called him Tory because I had a lisp.

Jane: A lisp that turned your B's to R's?

Jane: God, Casey, can't you keep it in your pants for one wedding?

Casey: Are you kidding? The only reason to wear this monstrous dress is that so some drunken groomsman can rip it to shreds with his teeth.

Jane: You write the most beautiful things. Do you actually believe in love and marriage and just pretend to be a cynic or are you actually a cynic who knows how to spin romantic crap for girls like me?

Kevin: I didn't follow that at all, but I think the second one, the spinning crap one.

Jane: Oh, my God. I feel like I found out my favorite love song was written about a sandwich.

Jane: You would rather hang out with Italian models than come with me to my *awesome* work party?

Jane: How refreshing! A man who doesn't believe in marriage.

Kevin: I'm just trying to point out the hypocrisy of the spectacle.

Jane: Oh! That's so noble of you. Do you also go around telling small children that Santa Claus doesn't exist? 'Cause someone needs to blow that shit wide open.

Kevin: A-ha! So you admit that believe in marriage is kind of like believing in Santa Claus!

[Jane has just humiliated Tess at her rehearsal dinner]

Casey: So what happened?

Jane: He needed to know the truth.

Casey: You could have told him face-to-face. I mean, I know my moral compass doesn't exactly point due north, but... if I say something's wrong, something's wrong.

Jane: You're the one who's always telling me to stand up for myself.

Casey: Yeah, but that's not what you did. What you did was unleash twenty years of repressed feelings in one night. It was entertaining, don't get me wrong, but if it was the right thing to do, you'd feel better right now. Do you feel better right now?

Jane: You got them champagne glasses and a bottle of Cristal.

George: Any way she's actually gonna believe it actually came from me?

Jane: Maybe. Wrapped it like a car ran over it.

George: Nice touch.

Jane: Oh, I'm a really... very good caulker.

Kevin: [into recorder] Likes caulk.

Tess: How could you let this happen to me?

[begins reading from newspaper article]

Tess: "If Jane is the prototypical accommodating bridesmaid, then her sister Tess is cast as the overbearing, overindulged bride-to-be who at any moment might start stomping around Manhattan, breathing fire, and swatting planes from the sky."

Jane: I had no idea he was writing an article about me.

Tess: You? He called me Bridezilla! In the New York freaking Journal! I could tear him apart limb from limb!

Jane: George appreciates me for who I am!

Casey: What good is it being appreciated if no one is naked?

Jane: Can you please find somebody else to be creepy with?

Jane: [to Tess] Did you love him, or was he just convenient?

[Repeated line]

Harriet: Me thinks.

Charlotte, Jane: [Both, together] We think so, too.

James: You better watch you don't fall overboard.

Jane: Or what? I'll get harpooned because someone will mistake me for a whale? Someone will think they've discovered a new island? All the water will splash over onto the boat? I've heard them all. Take your pick.

Jane: Would you like a cup of tea, Sandra?

Sandra: Tea can do many things, Jane, but it can't bring back the dead.

Jane: Life is a collection of moments. The idea is to have as many good ones as you can.

Brian: See, I was taught that there are no free lunches. That one day, the rent comes due, the other shoe drops and you suffer a thousand fold.

Jane: Who raised you?

Brian: Jews.

Jane: Look, if you wanna be a good writer then you can't have a mediocre life. I'll give you a baseball metaphor, because Jewish writers love them. Swing from the heels.

Jane: Get your head right. Get your head right right now because you're about to have the most important conversation of your life. And it's not just your future here. It's mine too. So can you do it? Can you put the French lady out of your mind for nine seconds? Please. Just stick out your hand. Say, 'How do you do, sir?' like a normal human being. So you can have the career that you have always dreamed of... or are you just gonna blow it and incinerate and dissolve like a Kleenex in a fat man's sneeze? Is your head right? Is your head right? Is *your head* right?

Brian: You're much crazier than I'am.

[Jane climbs a ladder]

Frank: Nice beaver!

Jane: [producing a stuffed beaver] Thank you. I just had it stuffed.

Frank: It's the same old story. Boy finds girl, boy loses girl, girl finds boy, boy forgets girl, boy remembers girl, girls dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year's Day.

Jane: Goodyear?

Frank: No, the worst.

Jane: I've heard police work is dangerous.

Frank: It is. That's why I carry a big gun.

Jane: Aren't you afraid it might go off accidentally?

Frank: I used to have that problem.

Jane: What did you do about it?

Frank: I just think about baseball.

Frank: Interesting... almost as interesting as the photographs I saw today.

Jane: I was young! I needed the work!

Jane: Would you like a nightcap?

Frank: No, thank you, I don't wear them.

Jane: I wanted you to know, now, I've loved you since the first day I met you, and I'll never stop. I'm a very lucky woman.

Frank: So am I...

[Frank Drebin is angrily breaking up with Jane Spencer]

Frank: Oh, and one more thing... I faked every orgasm!

Jane: [heartbroken] Oh, Funny Face!

Jane: I was only doing what I was told to do.

Frank: Like make love to me?

Jane: [gasps] FRANK!

[slaps him across the face]

Jane: How about a rain check?

Frank: Well, let's just stick to dinner.

Vincent Ludwig: Drebin!

Jane: Frank!

Frank: You're both right.

Jane: How could you do something so vicious?

Vincent Ludwig: It was easy my dear. You forget, I spent two years as a building contractor.

Jane: I'm boiling a roast. How hot and wet do you like it?

Frank: Very hot, and awfully wet.

Jane: [after Gray burns his skin for a trick] That is a terrible trick to do for children. What if they try and copy you?

Steve Gray: I'll sue them. It's my trick.

Burt Wonderstone: Are you a lesbian, Nicole?

Jane: Is every woman who doesn't sleep with you a lesbian?

Burt Wonderstone: Oh, no, I have slept with plenty of lesbians.

Jane: I had imaginary friends, and even they were mean.

Jane: [Burt and Jane visit Rance in the hospital] What happened?

Rance Holloway: I had a stroke. I don't recommend it, either. It's not as much fun as they tell you in the brochure.

Burt Wonderstone: [for a trick, Steve Gray put a puppy in Burt's pants] He put a dog in my pants, Jane.

Jane: I know.

Burt Wonderstone: No one's ever done that to me before.

Jane: I... hope not.

Burt Wonderstone: He was teething!

Burt Wonderstone: The life of a child magician.

Jane: Yes. Try being a girl child magician. They called me Magic Bitch.

Jane: That's the world, that's politics. That's how it works. It starts out with big promises and ends up with jackshit happening. But like the man said: "If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal."

Jane: [the llama walks off the set and is hit by a car] It's like he killed himself rather than be in our commercial.

[last lines]

Jane: I just kept going round and round and round. So I got out. I got off the carousel.

Jane: It's like someone said: "If you don't like the road you're on, start paving another one".

Jane: "It may be possible to hold power based on guns; it is far better to win the heart of the nation".

Pat Candy: That's nice.

Castillo: Did you hire me?

Jane: I'm sorry?

Castillo: Did you hire me?

Jane: No, no...

Castillo: I hired *you*!

Jane: No, nobody hired me. I cannot be hired. Unless you mean in the uh, you know, the technical sense, then yes, I probably was hired.

Pat Candy: So listen, um, when this is all over - I mean, no matter which way it goes - when we get back home, I'm going to spend hours pleasuring myself thinking about you.

Jane: That would be an honor, Pat. Thank you very much.

Interviewer: When you began your career, you must've had heroes, role models?

Jane: Who are my heroes? Well, when I first started in this business, my heroes were politicians and leaders. And then I met them.

Pat Candy: So maybe later, huh?

Jane: Maybe.

Pat Candy: Yeah?

Jane: Mmm-hmm.

Pat Candy: You know what I mean, right?

Jane: I can only assume.

Jane: [her first chat with Castillo] People forget what you say, but they remember how you make them feel. Warren Beatty. And right now, you make people feel like you're gonna shoot them. People don't like you. But that's okay. Since love and fear can hardly exist together, if we must choose between them, it is far safer to be feared than loved. That's Warren Beatty as well. No, it's not. It's Machiavelli.

[hearty chuckle]

Jane: Sorry. I was just totally kidding.

Jane: He who is not courageous enough to take risks will accomplish nothing in life.

Hugo: Oh, look. Come on, we don't wanna hear any more Sun Tzu.

Jane: It is not Sun Tzu. It's Muhammad Ali.

Castillo: I am the one in charge. Do you understand?

Jane: Uh, no, no. See, you're not in charge. You're not in charge. *I'm* not in charge. Okay? Why can't you understand that?

Castillo: What did you just say?

Jane: Maybe nobody's in charge! Maybe we're all just rollin' down a fucking hill and there's no one at the wheel. I don't know! Sir, why can you not say what you're supposed to say? Where is there a problem?

Castillo: Because I'm not just a puppet for you to play with!

Jane: Of course you are! Of course you're a puppet! As am I! We're just... We're just pawns.

Jane: Is it soul-stealing? Yeah, it's soul-stealing. It's advertising. You convince people of something they don't need, and then you give it to 'em, and then you profit from it.

Jane: Do you poke smot?

Jane: AW! It's official! We are having an affair!

Jake: Why do you need to label everything?

Jane: Because! THAT'S WHAT THIS IS!

Jane: I like a lot of semen, always have.

Jane: Jane?

Jane: Hi.

Adam: Did you get this high from *one* hit?

Jane: Yeeeaaaaaahhh!

Jane: Don't you ever eat at your house?

Jake: Pedro dictates most meals and he has a very... limited palate.

Jake: I don't regret giving it another shot.

Jane: It probably would of worked, if you hadn't been married.

Jake: I wouldn't of considered it, if I wasn't!

Jane: I don't regret it either.

Jake: I'm sorry.

Jane: How far back does that 'sorry' go?

Jake: How far back do you need it to go?

Jane: Wa-ay back.

Jane: Fancy a toke?

Harley: Oh, no thanks, I don't smoke weed.

Jane: Me neither.

[takes a drag]

Jane: I was going to call you last night, and then you wouldn't of taken the call. It would have of gone on for months and!

Adam: I would have taken the call!

Jane: [Opens the door for Edith] How do you do, Mrs. Potter?

Edith Potter: Hello, Jane.

Jane: And how are you feeling today?

Edith Potter: Too awful. I wouldn't wish my woes on my worst friend.

[Looks around the corner]

Edith Potter: Oh Jane, will you tell Mrs. Fowler that I'd like to speak to her out here for just a moment.

Jane: Yes, Mrs. Potter.

Nancy Blake: [Comes around the corner and surprises Edith] How's the little mother?

Edith Potter: [shouts out to Jane] Jane! Never mind about that...

[to Nancy]

Edith Potter: Hello, dear...

Nancy Blake: The spider's in the parlor. Let's go join her.

Jack: [Phoebe pokes him with a stick] Ow, don't!

Phoebe: Are you a freak?

Jack: No.

Phoebe: Oh. Well Jane says that you're a freak.

Jack: Who's Jane?

Jane: I'm Jane and I think you are a freak. Look at your hairy arms and your eyebrows and...

Phoebe: Yeah, he has receding hairline.

Jack: Well, I'm not a freak.

Phoebe: You don't look ten. Look, you've got the hairy arms. You've got hairy knuckles.

Jane: You look a lot older than us.

Phoebe: It looks like you shaved there.

Jack: Yeah, I do. So?

Phoebe: A ten year old doesn't shave! So then you can't be ten.

Jane: Yes, you can't be ten if you shave and you have hairy arms and you're tall, really tall, and you're bigger.

Jack: So, I'm big for my age.

Eddie: It's over. Why can't you just let it go?

Jane: I can't.

Eddie: Why?

Jane: Because I was happy. Because if this theory is wrong, men don't leave all women, Eddie. They leave me.

Eddie: I know it hurts. I know. It's so hard to believe that something that wonderful can ever happen to us again, but it can.

Jane: What is on your neck?

Eddie: I bit myself shaving.

Jane: I mean, c'mon! I was comparing men to animals!... Which, let's face it, sometimes they are. But sometimes, they are not. Sometimes, you open the barn door, or the bedroom door, or the hospital room door, and you find the real thing. You find a guy that can sit with you when you're at your absolute worst, when your face looks like a punching bag and you're elbow deep in Kleenex, and he can still look at you, and tell you that Ray is not the last man you're ever going to love.

Jane: There are few things sadder in this life than watching someone walk away after they've left you, watching the distance between your bodies expand until there's nothing... but empty space and silence.

Jane: Man, She really did a number on you didn't she? Well, don't shit on my broken heart just because you converted to some warped brand of romantic atheism!

Eddie: It's called self-preservation.

Jane: Oh, in other words, your narcotize yourself with casual sex.

Ray: What's that they say about the love of a good woman?

Jane: [narrating] That once offered, it's guaranteed to come back and bite her in the ass.

Jane: Of all the things you said to me that night, the thing that scared me the most was that I would find it again. Because I have.

[beat]

Jane: Will you say something?

Eddie: No.

[walks over and kisses her]

Jane: She's D. Diane - Diane is D.

Eddie: Yes, D is for Diane. E is for Eddie.

[last lines]

Jane: So you're saying?

Eddie: What've we got to lose?

Jane: Everything.

Eddie: Exactly.

Liz: [referring to Ray's girlfriend] If he mentions her, just smile politely and change the subject.

Jane: Why?

Liz: Because if you bring her up, he's gonna feel pushed and resentful. This way it's like, no pressure. I'm happy. I'm healthy, getting sex other places.

Liz: Lizzie, where do you get this stuff?

Jane: snagmen.com, it's very informative.

Jane: Do you promise not to laugh?

Eddie: No.

Liz: So I call him up to say good night and guess who answers the phone 1AM PARIS TIME? Penelope Pope!

Jane: Who's Penelope Pope?

Liz: I don't know, but that's what she said when I asked "Who the FUCK is this?"

Liz: Why feed me all that romantic bullshit if he's just gonna cheat on me?

Jane: Two words: Coppulatory Imperative.

Liz: Excuse me?

Jane: The biological urge to spread their seed. The truth is only 15% of all male animals are monogomous. The rest are...

Liz: Plucking Penelope Pope.

Jane: Eddie, did you ever find a roommate?

Eddie: Well, no actually.

Ray: You're moving in with Eddie?

Jane: [to Eddie] Because the place I was supposed to move into just suddenly fell apart and I was wondering if the offer was still good.

Ray: You're moving in with Eddie?

Jane: [to Ray] Maybe.

[to Eddie]

Jane: What's it like?

Eddie: 2 bedroom loft, big kitchen, lots of windows...

Jane: Sounds amazing. When can I see it?

Eddie: How about tonight?

Jane: Perfect. Everything is just perfect.

Jane: What are you thinking?

Eddie: I'm thinking the same thing you are, Jane. You and Ray are gonna' live happily ever after with matching volvos and chocolate labs. See you Monday.

Jane: Did you have *any* friends growing up?

Eddie: You better hurry. I think he's waiting around the corner.

Jane: You know, that's why God invented turtlenecks.

Eddie: No, that's why God invented Darlene.

Eddie: [handing earrings to Nina] Nina, you left these in my bathroom.

Jane: You don't waste any time, do you?

Eddie: Cynic.

Jane: Slut.

Jane: This is key to understanding the myth of male shyness. For while you think he is flattering you, he is actually flattering himself. Showing how open and honest and sensitive he is.

[Eddie shows Jane his apartment]

Jane: Do we have to share a bathroom?

Eddie: Oh no, I never ever use the bathroom.

Jane: [on the phone] Liz, I gotta go. He looks like he just got hit by a bus.

Ray: [walking into the room] I feel like I just got hit by a bus.

Jane: Remember last week when we were laughing at that graffiti on the subway?

Liz: "Baby, I loves the toilet you sit on"?

Jane: What's going on?

Stephen, Alice's Husband: [holding a hypodermic needle over an orange] Dr. Lipshick started your sister on injections?

Jane: Of orange juice?

Jane: Morning Eddie! What's that on your neck?

Eddie: I bit myself shaving.

Jane: I'm just tired.

Aaron: Of what?

Jane: I just, guess I feel there's no more wondering what's it gonna be like.

Aaron: Like what's gonna be like?

Jane: My fabulous life.

Jane: Christine and David have not had sex in almost a year.

Aaron: Wow.

Jane: Did you know she has never actually seen his asshole?

Aaron: What?

Jane: It's a fact.

Aaron: How is that actually possible?

Jane: I don't know. I guess if you didn't really want to see it, it could be avoided.

[chuckles]

Jane: Oh, God, it is so sad.

Jane: Sally, don't get a crush on your boss. That way is total madness.

Jane: You come back to me soon. You know, I can't live without you.

Cheyenne: That's not true, but it's kind of you to say.

Cheyenne: Jane, can I ask you something?

Jane: Naturally. What?

Cheyenne: Why did you let that architect write "cuisine" on the kitchen wall? It's silly. I know what the kitchen is.

Jane: Harsh... Harsh... Harsh

Jane: ...Do you miss it?

Robin: What?

Jane: Sex.

Robin: Yeah, I do... You know what's weird? You never know the last time you sleep with somebody it's the last time. You're thinking: "Oh, we got problems, we got work to do," you know, but you never think... and then you break up and a month later you look back and you go: "Oh, that was it." That Tuesday or Friday or whenever, and you wished you paid attention because it was the last time... Well.

Jane: You were gonna bring a baby into that house?

Holly: Oh, like, what were my options?

Jane: How about abortion?

Holly: I couldn't do that. I'd feel like a murderer.

Jane: Honey, you ARE a murderer!

Massarelli, Prosecuting Attorney: One last time: are - you - gay?

Jane: Yes - I - am.

[Massarelli turns away, satisfied]

Jane: I bet a lot of women tell you that. But in my case, it happens to be true.

Holly: Did I hurt him?

Jane: What do you mean did you hurt him, you hit him with a bat!

Jane: She's holding you back, man. Everyone says so. She's like Yoko with bangs.

Jane: [Elaine is crying at Robin's bedside, the nurse thinks her sniffles are relative to a cold, and tells her she could aggravate her daughter's condition] It's not a goddamn cold! Don't be such a hoo-hoo.

Nurse: [apathetic] And what's a hoo-hoo?

Elaine: [kindly] It's a cunt, dear.

[nurse gasps]

Elaine: Now why don't you leave us alone?

Robin: Don't you knock?

Jane: Not in a public toilet, no.

Jane: No, we're not taking drug money on the road with us. Put it back.

Holly: Well, it's not like you can tell by looking at it.

Jane: OK, you have a point: we'll just take half, all right? And we are not taking drugs on the road with us, either. So give them back.

[Holly returns the stash]

Jane: Thank you.

Holly: You're welcome.

Jane: The farther away from that body I get, the happier I'll be.

Holly: Oh, God. To think it's possible I killed my baby's daddy.

Jane: "To think it's possible?" You hit him in the head with a baseball bat. He's dead.

Holly: No, I mean, it's possible that Nick is the daddy.

Jane: Triple Choc-choc-choc-chocolate chunk or Uncle Bubba's Big Belly Butter Brickle?

Elizabeth: Both.

Lydia Merylon: Okay, *this* has got to stop. The house is a total mess. Kitty, disinfect!

[Kitty sprays disinfectant all over the room]

Lydia Merylon: Now *we* are going to the grocery store - and *you* are coming with us!

Elizabeth: Just let me die!

Jane: We're out of ice-cream, Elizabeth!

Elizabeth: I always thought I was a good judge of character.

Jane: Don't feel bad. Jack had us all fooled.

Elizabeth: No, I'm not talking about Jack. I mean Darcy.

Jane: I think we're going to need a bigger cart.

Jane: What time is it?

[Elizabeth opens a curtain with a stick]

Elizabeth: [long pause] It's morning.

Jane: Elizabeth... I think we stink.

Jane: [sung] So you lie awake just singing the blues all night, goody goody! So you think that love's a barrel of dynamite!

Grover: Ok, the way I see it, if we were an old couple, dated for years, graduated, away from all these scholastic complications, and I reached over and kissed you, you wouldn't say a word, you'd be delighted, probably, but if I was to do that now it'd be quite forward, and if I did it the first time we ever met you probably would hit me.

Jane: What do you mean?

Grover: I just wish we were an old couple so I could do that.

Jane: Sometimes you can be such a child.

Grover: Yeah, but if I was a child you'd find that endearing.

Grover: Oh, I've been to Prague. Well, I haven't "been to Prague" been to Prague, but I know that thing, that, "Stop shaving your armpits, read the Unbearable Lightness of Being, date a sculptor, now I know how bad American coffee is thing... "

Jane: They have good beer there.

Grover: "... now I know how bad American beer is thing."

Jane: You really don't care about anybody or anything except yourself, do you?

Jonas: Oh, Jane... I never pretended I did.

[Will & Jonas are arguing]

Jane: Ooohh, a pissing contest, can I watch?

Sheriff Will Braverman: Feeling better now?

Jane: [getting her feet rubbed by Will] Yeah. I guess I just needed to be alone.

Sheriff Will Braverman: I'll take that as a compliment.

Jane: [Jane checks her watch and starts pulling her feet away] It's before 6:00. I've got to go.

Sheriff Will Braverman: Whoa.

[pulls Jane's bare feet back and resumes gently rubbing her toes]

Sheriff Will Braverman: Places to go. People to rip off.

Jane: Oh, you should talk. Here you are consorting with the enemy.

Sheriff Will Braverman: Yeah, well, I'm an easy consort.

Jonas: [Addressing the congregation as the choir sings] Oh, people, the Lord is speaking to me right now.

[to Jane via a wireless radio transmitter]

Jonas: It better be good.

Jane: Now just relax. Cherry hat, Section 4, Row F.

Jonas: [points to the elderly man] You sir, in the brown jacket, I feel a burden you're carrying.

Brown Jacket: Who-who, me?

Jonas: Yes, sir. Now stand up and tell me if I'm hearing the Lord right. You're having a problem with your neighbor, am I right?

Brown Jacket: I sure am.

Jonas: Building a fence. Gonna harm your kids, right?

Brown Jacket: Yes, sir.

Jonas: Well, the Lord tells me...

Jane: [on the bus watching the events on the TV monitors; impressed] Amazing!

Jonas: [continues] ... is to make 'im your friend. You talk to him, and serve him up your best fried chicken...

[to his wife with the cherry hat]

Jonas: because yours is the best in the county, ain't it ma'am?

Woman with Cherries Hat: [excited] You know it is!

Jonas: Whoa boy, I'd love to get me some of that! Now come on up and thank the Lord for his saving!

Antonio: I don't remember your name. You know, nobody ever comes here. It's hard to remember them all.

Jane: Jane.

Antonio: Ah, Jane! Like my cousin Maria.

Jane: Lily, I'm alive!

Jane: What did you say your name was?

Olaf: Olaf. I'm Swedish.

Jane: Oh, come on. Are you really Swedish?

Olaf: No, not quite. My father's Finnish, and my mother's Russian.

Jane: I could tell...

Louise: Oh, I don't know, there's got to be some way we can make money.

Elaine: We can make porno films and all wear ski masks.

Jane: No, Robert and I got bombed out one night. We put a little "I love you" tattoo on my ankle.

Elaine: [to Jane] Ok, we'll wear masks, you wear socks.

Louise: Come on, let's get out of here.

Elaine: What do you think about a doggy bag for the butter?

Jane: I don't believe it! Mom threw you out and moved a friend in? When?

Max: This afternoon?

[tapping his watch]

Max: thirteen hundred and twenty hours.

Jane: What's his name?

Max: His name? His name is Shirley. Shirley Levine. That's right! Your mother, age 64 has joined The Sun City Gay Liberation Movement.

Jane: But that's impossible. All I ever remember Mom telling me was how much she loved you, and that she would never look another man. Of course she never did mention another woman.

Jane: I know we've only got two days to go, but I don't know why you guys are so mad at me. You know I can't afford a baby-sitter, and Max is at a "Senior Citizens For Reagan" meeting tonight.

Elaine: Jesus, Jane. This is a royal pain in the ass. I mean, tonight's important. We're psychologically testing ourselves by robbing Wheeler's and you bring your kids along. Can't you leave them home just once?

Jane: Are you serious? The last time that I left those two alone Billy took nude pictures of Laurie with his Polaroid and sent them into Playboy Magazine. It's dangerous!

Elaine: Oh, I see. You bring them along on a robbery where they'll be safe!

Elaine: [Louise has just jumped in the water to get the bag of money] I thought you said you couldn't swim!

Louise: [flailing her arms] I can't!

Elaine: [groans] Ok, You'll go get the money bag and I'll save the genius.

Jane: You know, we could split up the money right now...

Elaine: SWIM! NOW!

Jones: You seem okay to me.

Jane: I used to be better than okay.

Jane: You are nice.

Jones: I could fuck Lisa if nice is a problem for you.

Chuck: I don't suppose you'd like to go to the movies tonight?

Jane: Oh, fuck off.

Chuck: Well, I guess a blow job would really be out of the question then?

Jane: Not necessarily.

Chuck: Oh, yeah? So do you like, what, swallow it or spit it out, you know?

Jane: Fuck you!

Chuck: Fuck me? Well, that's kinda what I had in mind. You know, which way do you like it? Because I got the People's Almanac and it lists the six most favorite, popular positions with women, especially women like you. I can tell, because you have that kind of body.

Jane: Have you been with a woman?

Chuck: Yes.

Jane: The next time you go out and get tanked, if you don't take me, I'll get a divorce.

Lily, Cook #3: Never let the seeds stop you from enjoying the watermelon.

Jane: That's all right if you've got a watermelon.

Lily, Cook #3: You mustn't say that, Miss Mason. Yous got your watermelon, but you chokes yourself up on all them little seeds. I always say "Spit 'em out! Spit 'em out before they spoil the taste for the melon."

Jane: Oh! I hope Higgins *beats* Higgins!

Jane: Are you a man or a mouse?

John Horace 'Johnny' Mason: A mouse!

Jane: You're worth your weight in gold!

Lily, Cook #3: [chuckles] That's a lot of gold.

Mrs. Harriet Mason: Oh my dear, if you have a talent for writing take my advice and develop it while your young. One needs all one's time and energy for a career.

Jane: Don't you think marriage is a career in itself?

Mrs. Harriet Mason: Oh, in deed, emphatically! That's why one mustn't rush into it pell-mell.

Jane: That Carter thought it was funny. He laughed. Oh, I hate that, that liver pill.

Jane: I hate that Judge Do-nothing. I wish someone would step on that ear thing of his.

John Horace 'Johnny' Mason: Jane, for Pete's sake, what did you do with the Witch-hazel?

Jane: I didn't have it!

Jane: Here, hook me up.

John Horace 'Johnny' Mason: Yeah, its a pretty nice neck you got there.

Jane: As nice as Eunice Doolittle's?

John Horace 'Johnny' Mason: You know, what do I know about Eunice Doolittle's neck. I never even noticed she had one.

John Horace 'Johnny' Mason: Hey, you know what time it is? Get dressed, will ya!

Jane: Well, I am dressed.

John Horace 'Johnny' Mason: Well, come on then.

[as he walks into the living room]

John Horace 'Johnny' Mason: Granite puss will be here any minute.

Judge Joseph M. Doolittle: Good evening.

Jane: I won't say anything. I won't say anything. I won't say anything.

John Horace 'Johnny' Mason: What do you think? Its a present from old Granite puss.

Jane: I bet its a summons.

John Horace 'Johnny' Mason: No, its a bank book. Look. Aw, he's deposited ten dollars. Hey, that's a lot of money for the little guy.

Jane: I hope it doesn't plunge Judge Doolittle into bankruptcy!

John Horace 'Johnny' Mason: I don't know, after that hospital bill, he's got more cash in the bank than I do!

Mrs. Harriet Mason: Well, I think it is very considerate of Judge Doolittle to think about the baby's future.

Jane: Money is a means to an end. Sex is that end.

Jane: Most people don't like to walk next to me.

Richard: Yeah, and why is that?

Jane: It implies friendship.

Jane: Our lives may be easier, but will never be as full. 1971 - 1997.

Jane: [Angered that Alan has decided he didn't really want to sell the shop after all] Alan Finston, what's come over you? If you intend to go through with this idiocy, you and I are through!

Alan: Jane, you're right... You and I ARE through!

[laughs and pushes her out the door]

Dave Brown: [giving driving lessons] You aim for the shortest wetback and watch him skedaddle. Plow the dice and the Schlitz Malt Liquor cans. And hit your siren as well. Let's see what we got...

[accelerates into pedestrians]

Dave Brown: [screeches to a halt] You'll get the hang of it.

Jane: Aren't you worried?

Dave Brown: About?

Jane: Getting a 1-28?

Dave Brown: Okay, listen, this is the most important thing I've told you so far. Everything you learned at the academy - bullshit. Illegal is just a sick bird. Just a military occupation, kid. Emergency law. Alright, let's have some fun...

[Vann checks out the bedroom for rent at the Durwin's house]

Jane: [Jane opens the bedroom blinds] In the Spring it's quite lovely. The light in here.

Vann Siegert: It's nice right now. I like the fall.

Jane: [Jane goes to the bathroom] This has got a shower. But also there's a bath down the hall which is private because we never use it.

Jane: [Vann looks at the picture on the dresser] That's our daughter. This was her room. She's in college now.

Vann Siegert: She looks smart. She looks like you.

[Doug talks to Jane about inviting him down for dinner]

Doug: Is Vann having dinner with us?

Jane: Of course not.

Doug: Maybe we should invite him down his first night?

Jane: No, no. Doug, the last thing you want is for your tenant to become your guest. Keep your distance.

Doug: I suppose.

Jane: Well, don't. Don't. Leave him alone. Let's... let's give him a chance to get adjusted first.

Doug: [Doug pauses to look at the food] With the skins still on? The potatoes.

Jane: Yes. Just the way you like them.

Doug: Yummy.

[Jane wakes up Vann from the floor of his bedroom]

Vann Siegert: What happened?

Jane: You must have passed out. You must have fainted.

Vann Siegert: [Jane props Vann's head up on her arm] I never did that before. I put that vacuum away. When everything went black.

Jane: It can happen. I fainted once.

Vann Siegert: You did?

Jane: When I was pregnant.

Vann Siegert: [Vann makes a joke] I hope I'm not pregnant, Mrs. Durwin.

[Jane asks Vann in the middle of the night one of her puzzle questions]

Jane: What's a four-letter word for little?

Vann Siegert: Small.

Jane: That's five.

Jane: [Jane aloud says] Tiny!

Vann Siegert: That's right.

Jane: [Jane asks Vann a second question] Tyrant.

Vann Siegert: I don't know.

Jane: We need eight letters. Martinet.

[Vann holds his hand up as to say I still don't know]

[Jane reads to Vann a story from the local newspaper from the town over]

Jane: Listen to this. 'A 75-year-old woman was killed last night by a 20-pound lump of concrete dropped from the roof of an apartment complex on Catharine Avenue in West Bay.' Now get this part. 'Neighbors told reporters it was fairly common for heavy objects to be thrown from high buildings in their area.'

Vann Siegert: [Van replies with a smile] I must have missed that one.

[Jane talks to Vann about being careful from Doug]

Vann Siegert: I was just worried because you're worried, because he told you he got into a fight last night?

Jane: You know who beat him up? He did. He beat himself up. I tried to get him to take medicine, but he won't do it. He won't do anything I tell him to do. He always looks for someone to admire. There's always somebody on the top of his list. Right now that person is you, so be careful.

Vann Siegert: Of What?

Jane: Be careful you don't wind up taking care of him.

Dee: Jane, do you ever feel like you are just this far from being completely hysterical twenty four hours a day?

Jane: Half the people I know feel that way. The lucky ones feel that way. The rest of the people ARE hysterical twenty four hours a day.

Mack: He's kinda lonely, but he seems peaceful about it.

Jane: That would be nice.

Dee: Ya know, it would be great if you could sort of be down about things, but still be alright with it. Like, finally accept that fact that you're gonna feel bad most of the time and not fight it.

Mack: Of course, it would also be nice not to feel bad most of the time.

Dee: Yeah, but that's how you get yourself in trouble. By thinking how nice it'd be to be happy more.

Dee: Jane, do you ever feel like you're just this far... from being completely hysterical hours a day?

Jane: Half the people I know feel that way.The lucky ones feel that way.The rest of the people are hysterical hours a day.

Bonnie: Fun is number one!

Jane: Despite what Hilary may tell you, fun is not number one.

Jane: You like Drew Barrymore?

Hillary: I don't even like her really, she's a little pussy.

Jane: You like girls that are tough?

Hillary: I like girls that aren't little pussies.

Hillary: Guys are dogs.

Jane: Axl Rose?

Hillary: Yeah he's a dog, but with him it's like he knows what he is and he's not a phony and thats cool.

Jane: Does he turn you on?

Hillary: You are such an idiot! Does he turn me on, thats such a stupid question! Why do you keep trying to sneak sex into everything?

Jane: Why are you avoiding the subject?

Hillary: Well, why don't you ask me something important, like whats my favourite song or do I believe in God?

Jane: I've played this game before Hilary, you're not even good at it, you're just disgusting.

Hillary: See, we are making progress. You just found out I'm disgusting and now you can go home and feel better about yourself.

John: You ever read any of her poems?

Jane: I don't read poetry. It's ugly and it bugs me.

Hillary: Now at least I know what I am.

Jane: What are you?

Hillary: I'm an animal in the zoo but I've escaped. Yes, from like these little cages that they try to put you in to make you some quiet little pussy and to grow up like some stupid normal bitch like you.

The Stranger: They send you to take me back?

Jane: No, who?

The Stranger: Don't you know? The people who lock you up.

Jane: Why do they want to lock you up?

The Stranger: [Matter-of-factly] Oh, so they can hurt me. They put you in a shirt with long sleeves, and they pour ice water on you.

Kitty - Fortune Teller: Say, Jane, has Whitey been double-crossing anybody lately?

Jane: No.

Kitty - Fortune Teller: Well, I don't know. These cards read awfully funny.

Jane: Are you lost?

The Unmarried Mother: No I'm looking for someone. Thanks, I'll just wait.

Jane: Well, you know what they say about good things happening to those who wait.

The Unmarried Mother: But only the things left behind by those who hustle

Jane: I was thinking the exact same thing. What are the odds?

The Unmarried Mother: What are the odds.

The Unmarried Mother: You're not how I imagined you'd look.

Jane: Do I know you?

The Unmarried Mother: You're beautiful. Someone should have told you that.

Jane: Well, you just did.

Mr. Robertson: I see you've had some disciplinary problems in the past.

Jane: I've had nothing but straight As in all my classes since the first grade.

Mr. Robertson: Yes. Have you ever been with a man?

Jane: Have you?

Mr. Robertson: Just relax, Jane. Some of the ladies before you, got a little nervous, a little lost in thought.

Jane: [scoffs] Perhaps that's because to them a thought is unfamiliar territory.

Mr. Robertson: In order to protect our nation's citizens, it's important we keep certain government operations confidential. Wouldn't you agree?

Jane: Yes, sir.

Mr. Robertson: I work for an organization whose primary purpose is *not* space travel. It's... reshaping wrong doing.

Jane: You mean all this time we could have been friends?

Blanche: You wouldn't be able to do these awful things to me if I weren't still in this chair.

Jane: But you *are*, Blanche! You *are* in that chair!

Jane: It's just that nosy Mrs. Bates going on about your picture last night.

Blanche: Oh, really, did she like it?

Jane: [imitating Blanche's voice] Oh, really, did she like it?... She liked it!

Jane: I'll bring in some tea. You like tea?

Edwin Flagg: Oh, yes. I'm quite fond of tea. You must have guessed that I'm English.

Jane: Oh, really? How nice for you.

Blanche: Who was that at the door earlier?

Jane: Elvira.

Blanche: Where is she now? In the kitchen?

Jane: No, I gave her the day off. She has a pretty hard time considering. I told her to come back next week.

Jane: [pauses] Oh, Blanche? You know we've got rats in the cellar?

Jane: I've written a letter to Daddy / His address is Heaven above / I've written "Dear Daddy, we miss you / And wish you were with us to love" / Instead of a stamp I put kisses / The postman says that's best to do / I've written a letter to Daddy / Saying "I love you" / Now when I'm very good, and do as I am told / I'm Mama's little angel and Papa says I'm good as gold / Now when I'm very bad and answer back and sass / Then I'm Mama's little devil, and Papa says I've got the brass / Now I wish that you would tell me / Cos I'm much too young to know...

Jane: [running after Flagg as he flees the house] Edwin, you forgot your money!

Blanche: [Upon hanging up the phone after discovering Jane is right behind her] That... that was...

Jane: I know who it was!

Blanche: No, Jane, it really was!

Jane: And I know what you're trying to do!

Blanche: I... I'm not trying to do anything, honestly Jane!

Blanche: Oh really, did she like it?

Jane: [imitating Blanche's voice] Oh Really did she like it?

Jane: I didn't bring your breakfast, because you didn't eat your din-din!

Jane: I don't want to talk about it! Everytime I think about something nice, you remind me of bad things. I only want to talk about the nice things.

[Jane has just finished singing as an adult]

Jane: [happily] You certainly can play, can't you?

Edwin Flagg: [proudly] And you *certainly can* sing!

Blanche: Did you have a nice drive?

Jane: What are you talking about?

Blanche: Nothing dear, I... it's been so long since you were out of the house I thought perhaps you had gone for a drive or something. You know I was thinking, it's ever so long since we had a talk, you know, a real talk about the future and everything. Jane, I didn't want you to be worried about the house, even if I do have to sell it, we'll still be together.

Jane: Blanche you're not gonna sell this house. Daddy bought this house, and he bought it for me! You don't think I remember that, do you?

Blanche: You're wrong, Jane. You've just forgotten. I bought this house for the two of us, when I signed my first contract.

Jane: You don't think I remember anything, do you? There are a whole lot of things I remember. And you never paid for this house. Baby Jane Hudson made the money that paid for this house, that's who!

Blanche: You don't know what you're saying.

Jane: Blanche, you aren't ever gonna sell this house... and you aren't ever gonna leave it... either.

Jane: [Blanche is buzzing] Alright, Blanche Hudson! Miss big, fat movie star! Miss rotten, stinking actress! Press a button, ring a bell and you think the whole *damn* world comes running, don't you? Lunch, Miss Hudson? Why, certainly, Miss Husdon! I'm sure we can find something appropriate for you, Miss Hudson!

Jane: Don't you think I know everything that goes on in this house?

Jane: My name is - Jane Hudson. Maybe you remember me? I'm Baby Jane Hudson.

Jane: You know, we're right back where we started. When I was on the stage you had to depend on me for everything. Even the food you ate came from me. Now you have to depend on me for your food again. So, you see, we're right back where we started.

Blanche: Why are you doing this to me? Why?

Jane: Doing what?

Blanche: Making me afraid to eat. Trying to make me starve myself.

Jane: Don't be silly. If you starve you die.

Blanche: Jane, did you ever stop to think that - if anything happened to me, I mean anything bad, there wouldn't be any money for you? I wouldn't be here to sign the checks. You wouldn't even have pocket money. Did you ever think of that?

Jane: Yeah, I've thought about that.

Jane: Nothing wrong with it. You're just a neurotic, Blanche. You know that, you're just a neurotic.

Blanche: Oh, please, Jane. I'm so hungry.

Jane: I have to go now.

Blanche: Just a little - please!

Jane: No! You didn't eat your din-din, so you'll have to wait till lunchtime.

Jane: I wonder if you can guess who I am?

Edwin Flagg: Can you give me a hint?

Jane: Well, its not really fair to make you guess. I'm - I'm Baby Jane Hudson.

Edwin Flagg: Oh, do you mean you're really - the - Baby Jane Hudson?

Jane: Yes, I am! And I'm going to revive my act exactly as I used to do it. Of course, some of the arrangements will have to be brought up-to-date. Music changes so much, doesn't it? And you know they're desperate for new acts: television, Las Vegas, and all the clubs. Well, there are a lot of people who remember me. Lots of them!

Edwin Flagg: I don't see how you could fail.

Jane: Oh, I wish Daddy could be here right now! You can never lose your talent, he used to tell me. You can lose everything else, but, you can't lose your talent.

Blanche: I was just hoping, maybe, maybe I could meet him and we could have a nice talk - just the three of us.

Jane: Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you! Then you could tell him a whole lot of lies about me! Scare him off! Or, maybe have him for yourself!

[Jane slaps Blanche]

Jane: Dehlia? Who's Dehlia?

Edwin Flagg: You might not think it to look at her, but, she's my mother.

Jane: [laughs] Oh, for a minute I thought you had a wife or a lady friend tucked away somewhere.

Edwin Flagg: Oh, no! No. Oh, no. Nothing like that.

Jane: This isn't Blanche's house. It is my house and I can do what I like!

Jane: I don't understand?

Edwin Flagg: They are trying to say I'm drunk.

Police Officer: Oh, we just say that you're a little happy. Okay?

Edwin Flagg: Whose happy? I'm not happy.

Jane: Then, you mean, all this time we could've been friends?

Jane: Hey.

Alan: [hands her a folder]

Jane: [looking through the pages] Where did you get these?

Alan: Somebody from the archives delivered them.

Jane: [continues to look through the pages, getting upset] That's not possible... My foster parents would have told me.

Alan: Jane. These files just... didn't appear out of the blue... You ordered them.

Jane: When?

Alan: You tell me.

Jane: [through her teeth] I can't remember.

Alan: You own that house.

Jane: [Slams her hand on the table and shouts] NO!

[takes a deep breath]

Jane: I forget "little" things, like appointments, birthdays, pick-ups...

[starts hyperventilating]

Jane: Not...

Alan: [squats down to face her] I'm sorry.

[looks away]

Alan: I shouldn't even be here; I should have picked her up.

[when Jane doesn't answer]

Alan: The trust fund has been paying the property tax. It's managed by a... Patrick Ryer? I think you have an uncle. That explains why you keep trying to photograph the place.

Jane: [doesn't say anything, looks at Alan helplessly]

Alan: Jane hey... Hey.

[puts her hand on her cheek]

Alan: We're gonna figure this out.

Neil: What are you laughing at?

Jane: You.

Neil: Me?

Jane: You make me laugh. You make me happy.

Jane: Will you pray with me?

Neil: [voice over] I had no faith. You knew. Were you afraid?

Thomas: Don't let's spoil everything, we've only just met.

Jane: No, we haven't met. You've never seen me.

Jane: What are you doing? Stop it! Stop it! Give me those pictures. You can't photograph people like that.

Thomas: Who says I can't? I'm only doing my job. Some people are bullfighters, some people are politicians. I'm a photographer.

Rochester: Did you miss me?

Jane: I missed the money.

Rochester: Good. I don't like a whore with sentiment.

Jane: Give you your first London spurt of the summer.

Rochester: I brought the wife with me.

Jane: Bit of a waste shooting good jism up the lawful.

Rochester: There is spirit in her.

Jane: When a gent sees the spirit, and not the eyes or the tits, then a gent is in trouble.

Sadie: [Sipping what looks like a lovely frappé outside Java Central coffee shop] I really prefer my own brand.

Jane: That dry s**t you shove into hot water?

Caleb: You make me nervous.

Jane: You make me calm.

Caleb, Jane: You make me nervous.

Alex: We just hadn't planned on a change of plan.

Jane: Well who plans on a change of plan? I mean, that would be sorta paranoid, don't you think?

Jane: Are we ever gonna have a relationship?

Sam: Here we are - having it.

Jane: Listen, you should be with her if you want to.

Ian McKnight: I don't want to be with her, I want to be with you. I want you to be with her.

Sam: Why did you break up with Bobby? I thought Bobby was the real thing

Jane: Well, then I got to know him.

Jane: [speaking to group] It's said that a genius learns without studying, and knows without learning. That he is eloquent without preparation, exact without calculation, and profound without reflection.

Jane: Damon? How many fingers?

Damon: Orange.

Jane: Now Fred, these chores are your responsibilities. And for every week that you do them correctly, we'll do something fun like go to the symphony or rent a nice documentary.

Jane: [after he recovers consciousness] Damon, how many fingers?

[She holds up three]

Damon: Orange.

Jane: You'll be fine.

Jane: It's not you marrying me. It's me marrying anybody. I'm sick. I am mentally sick, and I can't marry anybody, ever.

Jane: Once I slipped and straddled the balance beam so hard my cooter went up in my throat.

[Jane has just kissed Serena]

Jane: Wait! I am so sorry. It will not happen again. I'm not gay just so you know.

Serena: Well, I am.

Jane: Oh.

Serena: You thought I was straight?

Jane: I just thought you were beautiful.

Serena: A tourist checking out the scenery.

Jane: No.

Serena: Okay. But you're married and you think you're straight. So, let's just leave it there.

Jane: Okay.

Jane: Come live with us Nell; you have no idea how hard it is out there.

Eleanor "Nell" Vance: No Jane, you have no idea how hard it was in here.

Jane: Also, we know how much you loved Mom's car, so we're giving it to you.

Eleanor "Nell" Vance: You're taking away my home, and giving me a twenty year old car? Who are you?

[first lines]

Jane: You already owe two months worth of rent.

Eleanor "Nell" Vance: It's mine, and you're not taking it away.

Jane: Read the will, Nell. It states in plain language, the executor shall have the right to dispose of any and all personal property, as he shall see fit.

Eleanor "Nell" Vance: He's not even real family.

Jane: Yeah, maybe not, but clearly Mother thought Lou would be better off dealing with these unpleasant details than you.

Eleanor "Nell" Vance: [angrily] Unpleasant details? What have I been dealing with for the past eleven years? I've cooked, I've cleaned, I've mopped up for you and you call that an unpleasant detail?

Francis: Jane, I love you - when will you marry me?

Jane: We who are of noble blood may not follow the wishes of our hearts.

Bennett: Sorry about this

Jane: What have you done?

Bennett: Nothing

Jane: So why did you say you were sorry?

Bennett: Er...

[Michael and Jane are standing on the side of the road next to a broken down car]

Michael: Piece of shit!

Jane: When's the last time you put oil in that thing?

Michael: Yesterday.

Jane: [hissing until spit bubbles out]

Butler: [to Sarchie] Do you think she's single?

Tun: [Tun is working in the dark room when someone walks beside him and stands there. He does not look up]

Tun: Jane? You're early.

Tun: [Telephone rings outside, Tun goes to answer it] Hello?

Jane: Tun. Its Jane. I'm going to be a little late today.

Jane: [after running someone over] What was that?

Sophie: Vincent!

[drives off unaware they've actually struck Gavin]

Jane: [to Bert after passing a diorama depicting Washington crossing the Delaware] Sit down. You don't look historical. You look hysterical.

Jane: I know you're following me, little man.

Tony: You're a goddamn junkie, ain't you?

Jane: Junk-ette. Fact, I used to dance in The Junk-ettes.

Tony: My brother was a goddamn junkie.

Jane: So, is he no longer with us?

Tony: No. He's in the big junkyard in heaven.

Jane: That's pretty funny.

Tony: Tell him Tony says hey when you get there.

Jane: [catches Tony staring at her] What?

Tony: Remember when you asked why you?

Jane: Hmm?

Tony: Why I followed you out of the hospital?

Jane: Oh, yeah.

Tony: I thought you were an angel. I saw you out of the window. I thought you were an angel.

Jane: [after Tony has tied Jane to a chair] Tony, why are you doing this?

Tony: You asked me to.

Jane: No, I mean why are you looking after me?

Tony: Somebody's gotta.

Jane: Yeah, but why you?

Tony: I ain't got nothing better to do.

[points to her TV]

Tony: Does this thing work?

Jane: A little.

Jane: [stares at Tony] My guardian angel.

Jane: Tony, how'd you get it?

Tony: What? I don't know.

Jane: Well, you must know.

Tony: No.

Jane: Well, you never did drugs, right? Was it a blood transfusion? Did you ever street hustle?

Tony: No!

Jane: Look, it's nothing to be ashamed of.

Tony: Well, maybe not for you! You're not ashamed of nothing!

Jane: Is that what happened?

Tony: No! Just shut up about it!

Jane: Okay, okay. I'm sorry, okay? Look, I won't mention it again. Tony, I'm sorry.

Tony: My dad...

Jane: What?

Tony: My dad gave it to me.

Jane: Your dad?

Tony: Yeah. Gave it to me and he gave it to my mom. Get it now? My mom, she never drowned. She died from the same fucking thing I'm gonna die from.

Jane: [shaking him] Tell me what's wrong with you! What is it? Is it cancer or something? Goddammit, Tony, tell me what it is!

Tony: [quietly] AIDS.

Jane: [quickly lets go of him] Oh, Jesus!

Tony: No, don't worry. You can't get it from touching me.

Jane: I'm not afraid of getting it.

Tony: Sure...

Jane: I already got it, you stupid kid.

Tony: What?

Jane: Yeah. But evidently, you got it a whole lot worse.

Tony: [about going back to the hospital] I'm gonna die in there! Don't make die in there! I want to die with you!

Jane: What? C'mon why? Huh? Why?

Tony: 'Cause I love you.

Jane: You don't even know me. How can you love me?

Tony: I don't know. I love you.

Jane: It's okay. I'm just gonna wash your hair.

Tony: [embarrassed that Jane is watching him take a bath] I'll wash my own hair.

Jane: C'mon, let me. I used to be a hairdresser once.

Tony: Yeah?

Jane: Yeah.

Tony: So, you didn't always do nasty stuff for a job?

Jane: No, not always.

Tony: That's good. That stuff's like underneath you, you know?

Jane: Thank you.

Tony: Don't mention it.

Jane: Who do I have to fuck to get a cream soda in this joint?

Jane: [to Arizona Colt] You bring back that killer. Dead or alive. I want him at my feet.