Jamie Quotes in Raze (2013)

Sammy: So I gotta ask. What do you really do for a living?

Jamie: What you mean?

Sammy: [disbelieving] Your profile says you do medical claims. You don't really do medical claims.

Jamie: [frowns]

Sammy: [staggered] You really do medical claims?

Jamie: [laughs] Yeah, I really do!

Sammy: [Notices her discomfort] What? C'mon. No judgment.

Jamie: Ok, fine. I sort of... I used to want to be a professional kickboxer. I take classes now...

Sammy: Kickboxing?

Jamie: Yeah, I know. It's lame. It's...

Sammy: That's amazing. The sport of the future...

[first lines]

Jamie: I think it's time for you to get some help.

Richard Malone: Why?

Jamie: Because you can't do your job anymore.

Richard Malone: Because I let that man live?

Jamie: That man is the worst bastard that...

Richard Malone: [interupting] I don't care! I've had enough! I want out.

Jamie: What am I supposed to tell our superiors at the company?

Richard Malone: Tell them good bye.

Jamie: You know too much. One of the first things you tought me is that nobody just walks away from the CIA.

Richard Malone: Watch me.

Jamie: Malone, or whoever the fuck you say you are, shut up!

Jamie: I always sample a bottle of wine before I buy it. Let's have a sip, see if you're worth taking along.

Jamie: In Tortuga when a woman slaps a man's face, it means she wants him to grab her, over-power her, and smother her with kisses. I understand in Jamaica a gentleman must refuse such overtures.

[Don Miguel's interrogation of Jamie Waring is interrupted by the sound of cannon fire]

Don Miguel: What is that?

Jamie: The devil looking after his own!

[newly-appointed governor of Jamaica Sir Henry Morgan, Jamie Waring, and Tommy Blue arrive at the seemingly deserted Government House]

Jamie: The occasion seems a little lacking in enthusiasm, Henry.

Capt. Sir Henry Morgan: I imagined we'd meet with some slight disapproval.

Tom 'Tommy' Blue: At least we don't have to shoot our way in.

Jamie: You can lower your pistols, Lady Margaret.

Margaret Denby: Unfortunately, I have no pistols.

Jamie: Your eyes. I've looked into pistol barrels that are warmer.

Capt. Sir Henry Morgan: I wish my nature hadn't changed. I'd have made that whole assembly walk the plank.

Jamie: You can't go wrong drowning politicians, Morgan.

Jamie: Church bells.

Tom 'Tommy' Blue: Aye. Some people likes to hear them. I like trumpets better.

Margaret Denby: Jamieboy! You know your not supposed to be out of bed! Haven't you caused me enough trouble already? Get back to your bunk! Oh, Jamieboy.

Jamie: That's only twice. Once more I said 'three' times.

Margaret Denby: Jamieboy...

Jamie: Your presence is more disturbing to Madam Waring, I assure you!

Capt. Billy Leech: Now, Jamie. You're talking different than you used to. I recall you trading me a girl for two barrels of rum! Of course, this ones better. All in one price she's got two ears, no fingers missing, worth three barrels of rum!

Margaret Denby: Why don't you offer him FIVE?

Jamie: Don't tempt him, Darling, I might take it!

Phyllis: Oh, what glorious patches!

Jamie: Thank you, ma'am.

Phyllis: Where can I buy them?

Cleo: Ma'am, you don't buy them, you earn them.

Phyllis: Oh! Like jewelry!

[seeing Troop Beverly Hills on stage]

Jamie: [to the troop] Where are you from, Mars?

Cleo: Worse. Beverly Hills.

Jamie: They thought about everything they'd been through: the perilous swamp, the treacherous tower, the darkness of rainbow cavern. They stood together exhausted from their adventure. Rex stared into her eyes for a long time, then his great green lips curled sadly back from his fangs and his voice was soft as he said "It's too bad it couldn't have worked out between us, but at least we'll always have Tar Town."

Timmy: You've got to be pulling my tail... THAT'S your idea of a dinosaur story?

Jamie: [crying] If I run or walk, it doesn't make any difference. It always comes to the same thing at the end.

[neither understands the other's language]

Jamie: [in English] It's my favorite time of day, driving you.

Aurelia: [in Portuguese] It's the saddest part of my day, leaving you.

[in Portuguese]

Jamie: Beautiful Aurelia, I've come here with a view of asking you to marriage me. I know I seems an insane person - because I hardly knows you - but sometimes things are so transparency, they don't need evidential proof. And I will inhabit here, or you can inhabit with me in England.

Sophia Barros: [in Portuguese] Definitely go for England, girl. You'll meet Prince William - then you can marry him instead.

Jamie: You learned English?

Aurelia: Just in cases.

[Aurelia meets Juliet, Mark, and Peter in the airport]

Aurelia: Jamie's friends are so good looking! He never tells me this. I think, maybe now I have made the wrong choice? Picked wrong Englishman?

Jamie: She can't speak English properly, she-she doesn't know what she's saying.

Jamie: Er... Would you like the last, uh...?

Aurelia: [in Portuguese] Thank you very much, but no.

Jamie: No?

Aurelia: [in Portuguese] If you saw my sister, you'd understand why.

Jamie: That's all right, more for me.

Aurelia: [in Portuguese] Just don't go eating it all yourself, you're getting chubbier every day.

Jamie: I'm very lucky, I've got one of those constitutions where I never put on weight.

Jamie: Alone again... Naturally.

Jamie: It's lovely-lovely to see you all... and, er... I'm off, actually.

Jamie's mum: But, Jamie, darling!

Jamie: Sorry. A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.

Jamie's niece: I HATE Uncle Jamie!

[trying to make conversation with Aurelia, who doesn't understand a word]

Jamie: No, right. "Silence is golden," as the Tremeloes said. Clever guys. Although I think the original version was by, uh, Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons. Great, great, great band.

[hums "Silence is Golden"]

Jamie: Oh, shut up.

Eleonore: This year you bring a lady guest?

Jamie: Ah, no. There's a change of situation. It's just me.

Eleonore: Oh, am I sad or not sad?

Jamie: Uh, I think you're not surprised.

Jamie: "Grandi," uh... grande familio. Grande traditsione- The Christmas presents. Stupido.

[in Portuguese]

Jamie: Good evening. Mr. Barros?

Mr. Barros: Yes?

Jamie: I am here to ask your daughter for her hands in marriage.

Mr. Barros: You want to marry my daughter?

Jamie: Yes.

Mr. Barros: [yelling toward the back of the house] Come here, there is a man at the door. He wants to marry you.

[a large and confused woman emerges]

Sophia Barros: But I've never seen him before.

Mr. Barros: Who cares?

Sophia Barros: You're going to sell me to a complete stranger?

Mr. Barros: Sell? Who said 'sell?' I'll pay him.

Jamie: Pardon me. I'm meaning your other daughter - Aurelia.

Jamie: [learning Portuguese] Oh my God, I've got a terrible stomach ache. It must have been the prawns. My goodness, this is a very big fish! It tastes delicious!

Jamie: I'm so late.

Jamie's Girlfriend: It's just 'round the corner, you'll make it.

Jamie: Are you sure you don't mind me going without you?

Jamie's Girlfriend: No, really, I'm just feeling so rotten.

Jamie: I love you.

Jamie's Girlfriend: I know.

Jamie: I love you even when you're sick and look disgusting.

Jamie's Girlfriend: I know. Now go or you will actually miss it.

Jamie: Right. Did I mention that I love you?

Jamie's Girlfriend: Yes you did. Get out, loser!

Dorothea: What is that?

Abbie: It's The Raincoats.

Dorothea: Can't things just be pretty?

Jamie: Pretty music is used to hide how unfair and corrupt society is.

Dorothea: Ah, okay so... they're not very good, and they know that, right?

Abbie: Yeah, it's like they've got this feeling, and they don't have any skill, and they don't want skill, because it's really interesting what happens when your passion is bigger than the tools you have to deal with it. It creates this energy that's raw. Isn't it great?

Julie: Half the time I regret it.

Jamie: Then why do you do it?

Julie: Because half the time I dont regret it.

Jamie: Interested in others.And I think, intelligent.All I ask is to get to know people and to have them interested in knowing me.I doubt whether I would marry again and live that close to another individual,but I remain invisible.Don't pretend for a minute as you look at me,that I am not as alive as you are,and I do not suffer from the category to which you are forcing me.I think, stripped down, I look more attractive than my ex-husband but I am sexually and socially obsolete and he is not.I have a capacity now for taking people as they are,which I lacked at 20.I reach orgasm in half the time and I know how to please,yet I do not even dare show a man that I find him attractive.If I do, he may react as if I have insulted him.I'm supposed to fulfill my small functions and vanish. It Hurts To Be Alive And Obsolete: The Aging Woman by Zoe Moss 1970

Dorothea: [Treats bruises on Jamie's face] So what was the fight about?

Jamie: Clitoral stimulation.

Jamie: What's it like? For girls.

Julie: What? Sex?

Jamie: Orgasms.

Julie: Do you really wanna know what it's like?

Jamie: Yeah.

Julie: I don't have them.

Jamie: Why are you fine being sad and alone?

Dorothea: I, uh... I... you... you can't talk to me like that.

Jamie: Mom, I'm dealing with everything, right now. *You* are dealing with nothing.

Dorothea: Julie is... pretty complicated woman. It's a lot to take on. And I'm impressed in a way.

Jamie: Whatever.

Jamie: Age is a bourgeois construct.

Jamie: But people from her time never admit anything went wrong.

Scott: Let me handle this, I speak better German. Hello!

Truck Driver: Hello!

Scott: [in German] My German is ill, but I can understand on you if the speaking is slowly.

Truck Driver: [in German] German! I have been driving for 14 hours straight and I haven't slept in three days and I am wired on schnapps, benzedrine, and those little chocolate covered peanuts.

Cooper: What did he say?

Scott: He said he's driving, something...

Scott: [in German] Do you know where is Berlin?

Truck Driver: [in German] Berlin? Yes, I know it well. I stabbed a woman in a bar in Berlin. But I am going nowhere near Berlin.

Scott: Berlin!

Truck Driver: [in German] Berlin! I also sexually assaulted a horse in Berlin.

Scott: He's going to Berlin.

Jamie: Awesome.

Truck Driver: [in German] Nowhere near Berlin.

Scott: All right, come on, let's go.

[the group get in the back of the truck]

Truck Driver: [to self, in German] I'll drive this truck off a cliff before I ever go back to Berlin.

Scott: Uh-oh.

Jamie: What?

Scott: Big tunnel.

Creepy Italian Guy: [grins maniacally as the train drives into darkness]

Jamie: [in the commotion] Scotty, is that you? WHO'S TOUCHING ME?

[after taking a drink of Absinthe]

Jamie: I gotta say, I'm not feeling anything.

Cooper: Me neither.

Scott: Sober as a judge.

[to a hallucinatory green fairy]

Scott: How about you?

Green Fairy: I'm not feelin' a goddamn thing. This Absinthe is BULLSHIT!

[Creepy Italian Guy massages Jamie's shoulders]

Jamie: What-what the hell are you doing?

Creepy Italian Guy: Oh, scuzi, mi scuzi.

[massages harder]

Cooper: What the hell is that?

Jamie: It's a traveler's money belt. Frommer's says as long as you have one of these, no-one can rob you of anything.

Scott: Except your dignity.

Jamie: No, you just put that in your... wait, what?

Scott: What happened to you last night?

Jamie: I got robbed! It was awesome.

Jamie: [pulls out Frommer's guide book] And I've even planned every detail of the trip to maximize the fun!

Scott: You brought a guide book to a party?

Jamie: You wanna see my itinerary?

Cooper: You wanna see my balls?

Jamie: [to the tour group] This is so strange! Usually, they wait 15 days to elect a new Pope. We could be seeing history in the making.

Jenny: [to herself] We could be seeing an arrest in the making.

Jamie: I spent the last four years tutoring the lacrosse players just to pay for it. So nobody touches my camera but me.

Cooper: So it's like your wiener.

Jamie: No, it's not like my- Jenny!

Jenny: Cooper! Leave him alone.

Jamie: The chateaus have been there for three hundred years. Mieke's gone in twelve hours.

Anna, The Camera Store Girl: I'm going on break. I was going to step out back and have a cigarette. Would you like to join me?

Jamie: I don't smoke.

Anna, The Camera Store Girl: Neither do I.

Scott: There are so many... penises.

Jamie: Frommer's tried to tell you. But you just didn't listen.

Cooper: This is the biggest sausage fest on earth!

Scott: It's the International House of Sausage!

Jamie: Why don't they ever a make a movie about what happens after they kiss?

Dylan: They do, it's called porn.

Dylan: Why do women think the only way to get men to do what they want is to manipulate them?

Jamie: History, personal experience, romantic comedies.

Jamie: Everybody, this is Dylan. He's from L.A.

[Everybody boos him]

Jamie: He's the reason I can afford all this beer!

[Everybody cheers him]

Dylan: Breasts.

Jamie: Really? I think they're so tiny.

Dylan: They're still breasts.

Jamie: Thank you!

Jamie: Why do I get the feeling this is the first real commitment you've ever made?

Dylan: It's not. T-Mobile. Two years. And fuck do I regret that one!

Jamie: I really have to stop buying into this bullshit Hollywood cliche of true love.

[sees posters for "The Ugly Truth" on a wall]

Jamie: Shut up, Katherine Heigl, you stupid, little liar!

Jamie: Oh... my butt.

Dylan: What?

Jamie: My butt!

Dylan: Really?

Jamie: No! My butt is cramping. Can you grab a pillow?

Dylan: [puts a pillow in her low back] So... there is not butt?

Jamie: NO.

Jamie: I have the perfect body for Photoshop. This

[face]

Jamie: gets more angular, these

[legs]

Jamie: get longer and this

[nose]

Jamie: gets way more Christian.

[from trailer]

Tommy: The babies you two are gonna have. Those things are gonna get *really* big and then *really* small.

Jamie: We're not together.

Tommy: That was a highly inappropriate series of comments and I apologize.

Lorna: I'm hungry... got any gin?

Jamie: It's in the kitchen.

Jamie: [after the wedding derails, to Todd] Don't you see? It's gonna be even better now! You're a mess, I'm a mess. Come on, Doc Shakalu, get your ass up here!

Father Shakalu: I gotta be part of this shit?

[from trailer]

Jamie: OH MY GOD! I just found my wedding dress covered in barf! And something else...

[inspects the dress]

Jamie: You puked on my dress, and then fucked it?

Donny: [laughs at Todd] You're a madman!

Donny: Chad, you're United States Marine USC, you're a disgrace to that uniform!

Jamie: He's not a Marine! He just buys his clothes on eBay so that Dad doesn't find out he's a modern jazz dancer!

Donny: What? That's possibly worse than the incest thing!

[from trailer]

Jamie: Todd, your old man's here to see you!

Donny: WASSUP!

[Todd hurls his drink]

[from trailer]

Jamie: [to Donny] Ever since you got here, Todd's been acting like a different person!

Charlie Hinton: So... what else can we learn about?

Jamie: Dolphins. Dolphins are good.

Max: Dolphins are fish!

Becca: No, they're not!

Max: Yeah-huh, they live in water!

Becca: That doesn't mean they're fish!

Charlie Hinton: Hey, hey, hey... Calm down now. Maybe we should just ask another question here.

Jamie: ...Where do babies come from?

Charlie Hinton: Eh, eh... Y'know, why don't we go back to the dolphins, or something other than *that*?

Jamie's Mom: Who are you going to call if there's any problem?

[gives her a phone]

Jamie: 911, Mommy.

Jamie's Mom: Oh, such a good girl!

Mark Kendall: What was that scene in the shower all about?

Russ: That's the thanks I get for trying to help out a friend?

Mark Kendall: Oh you're a big help, thanks a lot. Did it ever occur to you guys that maybe you could've asked me?

Jamie: Oh my God!

Russ: She told us to look!

Jamie: I knew it! I knew it, we enjoyed it!

Russ: Would you shut up? Just shut up!

Jamie: No that's it! We're homos! We're rump-rangers!

Jamie: This is terrible. I can't believe this happened.

Russ: Most humiliating experience of my life!

Jamie: This is awful. This is the suckiest thing that could ever happen! The whole school thinks we're... gay!

Russ: Don't be such a twerp! Our past histories speak for themselves. No one's going to think we're gay.

Jamie: I don't have a past history, okay? And neither do you! This is it. We might as well move in together and get his-and-his towels.

Russ: Hey who cares what those assholes think?

[pause]

Russ: What were they doing in the showers in the first place?

Jamie: *They* were washing. *We* were enacting a prison rape scene.

Jamie: How'd you like to have your crotch set on fire?

Sebastian: [stepping back] Ooooh! Rough trade!

Russ: Tell us what happened, man! Blow by beautiful blow! Did you undress her slowly? Like first, revealing big lucious magoombas?

Jamie: Did she have any tattoos or scars or anything?

Mark Kendall: I told you I don't remember! If you guys are so interested in my sexual failures, why don't you go have a few of your own?

Jamie: I really loved your film. That scene with the dogs around the garbage. How did you stage that?

Josh: I said 'Hey, shoot those dogs'.

Jamie: I mean, you're producing but he could bless it, essentially.

Cornelia: Bless it? Like a sneeze?

Jamie: No. I was thinking more like the pope.

Jamie: Fanny, please I've got it all figured out.

Fanny: Whatever you've got figured out does not include me.

Jamie: [looking at her breasts] Fanny please, I love them!

Fanny: Them?

Jamie: Uh, I mean you...

Jamie: Nobody knows we're here. This is a great place.

Fanny: Not like that spot last summer?

Jamie: Uh, no. No, no, no.

Fanny: All those kids! All those flashbulbs!

Jamie: Uh, no. No, no, no.

Fanny: Or that time down at the lake?

Jamie: Fanny, look, snakes only come out like that once a year.

Jamie: Okay, this is it. It's a nice spot. Really secluded.

Fanny: Are you sure it's safe?

Jamie: Does a bear shit in the woods?

Jamie: Albert, when you were born were your parents expecting children?

Jamie: I want the Turbo Man action figure with the arms and legs that move and the boomerang shooter and his rock'n roller jet pack and the realistic voice activator that says 5 different phrases including, "It's Turbo time!" Accessories sold separately. Batteries not included.

Jamie: Oh, my momma's gonna whoop me.

Cool Cat: Why did you want to paint the wall?

Jamie: Because nobody loves us. We take other people's thing so they know that we were there.

Serge: Nobody cares for us. That's why we do it.

Cool Cat: No, you've got it all wrong. That's not the truth. The truth is: There're a lot of people that love you and care for you. I know it because I love you. I'm Cool Cat and I love all kids.

Jamie: Do you wanna come up?

Ken: No. It's not you - you're beautiful. It's late. I'm also making the assumption that the ladies at work have warned you against me. They probably say that I'm a bit of a... I got a history with the women, and I think that it'd be better for us both if you got to know me better. You know, the real me. You know, how old are you? Twenty-four? Twenty-five?

Jamie: I'm twenty-three.

Ken: Bloody hell. I mean, I'm thirty-one-years-old. You know what that means? It means I can't be running around fucking all these girls. I mean, half the time I don't even speak to them ever again. That's rude is what it is. It's immature. It's embarrassing, it's fucking embarrassing. There comes a point when you want all of this to be about more than just getting off. Do you know what I mean? So I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go, and, uh, I'm gonna ask you if I can call you later in the week. I'll tell you what I'm gonna do for you. I'm gonna walk you up to your door.

Jamie: I'll tell you: never hang out with a virgin. You got a virgin in your crew, either get somebody in her pants or get the hell away from her.

Eugene: Aside from that, the simple answer is: run like a motherfucker and don't stop till the sun comes up.

Jamie: You know who Claude Monet is?

Sandra: Jamie, don't make me out to be thick.

Jamie: Who was he then?

Sandra: He painted the Sixteenth Chapel.

Jamie: Scared of being called "queer"?

Ste: Are you?

Jamie: Maybe... maybe not.

Ste: And are ya?

Jamie: Queer?

Ste: Gay.

Jamie: Very happy. I'm happy when I'm with you...

Sandra: What happened? School burned down, did it?

Jamie: Yeah.

Sandra: What was it this time? IRA bomb?

Jamie: Fundamentalist Muslim pyromaniacs.

Sandra: Oh, funny, that. Looked all right when I walked past it.

Sandra: You're pissed! From a bloody gay bar!

Jamie: How do you know it's a gay bar?

Sandra: Cos it's got a bloody great pink neon arse outside of it!

Sandra: It's not natural, is it?

Jamie: What ain't?

Sandra: A girl her age being into Mama Cass.

Leah: She's got a really beautiful voice.

Sandra: And what's wrong with Madonna?

Leah: She's a slag.

Sandra: Hypocrite.

Sandra: Where are you going?

Jamie: Out with my mates.

Sandra: Jamie... you ain't got any mates.

Ste: You always wear glasses when you read?

Jamie: Supposed to.

Ste: But you don't at school.

Jamie: It's hardly fetching, is it?

Ste: Nah, looks all right.

Jamie: Really?

Ste: I'm tellin' ya.

Jamie: Cheers.

Jamie: Where'd you meet my mum?

Tony: Planet Earth!

Jamie: Yeah, but where?

Tony: A place is just somewhere where shit happens.

Jamie: Yeah, but where?

Tony: Gateways.

Jamie: [hearing phone ring] That'll be the phone.

Sandra: Well it wouldn't be the bloody Hoover bag, would it?

Jamie: You're not ugly.

Ste: They've made me ugly.

Sandra: [Talking about Ste after he rushes off, obviously upset] What's his problem?

Jamie: He's in love, that's all.

Sandra: Jamie, who played the Baroness in the Sound of Music?

Jamie: Eleanor Parker!

Jamie: There's something fishy going on down at the sardine factory! I think it's fish!

[first lines]

Jamie: [from outside of house] John! John! John!

Jamie: You're a reality show without a camera crew.

Nina: I love you.

Jamie: I love you.

Nina: I really love you.

Jamie: I really, truly love you.

Nina: I really, truly, madly love you.

Jamie: I really, truly, madly, deeply love you.

Nina: I really, truly, madly, deeply, passionately love you.

Jamie: I really, truly, madly, deeply, passionately, remarkably love you.

Nina: I really, truly, madly, deeply, passionately, remarkably, umm... deliciously love you.

Jamie: I really, truly, madly, passionately, remarkably, deliciously... juicily love you.

Nina: Deeply! Deeply! You passed on deeply, which was your word, which means you couldn't have meant it! So you're a fraud, that's it!

[Jaime playfully pushes Nina away, then pulls her back towards him]

Nina: You're probably a figment of my imagination...

[pauses]

Nina: Juicily?

[Both laugh and make faces]

Jamie: I blame the government.

Nina: What?

Jamie: The government.

Nina: What's the government got to do with anything?

Jamie: I hate the bastards.

[Nina and Jamie are looking looking at clouds]

Nina: Your mother!

Jamie: You think every cloud looks like my mother.

Nina: This one really does look like your mother! Look: eyes, nose, eyebrows... brilliant!

Jamie: My mother has not got a beard!

Jamie: She wanted my cello, didn't she? Bloody cheek!

Nina: [notices Jamie blowing on his fingers, then touching them to his mouth] Darling? What are you doing?

Jamie: Warming my lips.

Jamie: ...But, the pain. Your pain. I couldn't bear that. There's a little girl I see from time to time - Alice, who's three. Well, three and a half. Oh, she's great. Everyone loves her, but she's not spoiled - Well, wasn't spoiled. She was knocked over and she died. Her parents, and family, and friends from kindergarten... She used to go to this playground. See, they made an area in the park. Gave 'em money for swings, and little wooden animals, and there are these plaques on the sides of the swing, bottom of the horse: 'From Alice's mom and dad. In Memory of Alice, who used to play here'. And of course, Alice goes back there all the time. And when you see the parents take their child from the swing, and see the sign... They hold on to their son and daughter, so tightly, clinging on for dear life. And yet... The capacity that people have to love... Where does it go?

Jamie: Thank you for missing me.

Nina: I have. I - I do.

Nina: My feet shall long to go to the place where you you are sleeping, but I shall go on living.

Jamie: Do you want me to leave?

Nina: No, never, never, never, never, never!

Nina: Tell me about the first night we spent together.

Jamie: Why? Seriously? You want me to?

Nina: [nods] What did we do?

Jamie: We talked.

Nina: What else?

Jamie: Well, talking was the major component. You played that piano. Then I played, then we both played... something - duet - something... can't remember. And then you danced for about three hours, until I fell asleep. But you were fantastic. And then we had some corn flakes. And when we kissed, which was about 11 o'clock the following morning, we were trembling so much we couldn't take off our clothes.

Captain J.T. Spaulding: What's the matter, kid? Don't ya like clowns?

Jamie: [shakes his head, crying] No...

Captain J.T. Spaulding: Why? Don't we make ya laugh? Aren't we fuckin' funny? You best come up with an answer, cos I'm gonna come back here and check on you and your momma and if you ain't got a reason why you hate clowns, I'm gonna kill your whole fucking family.

Jamie: [continues crying] Please...

Captain J.T. Spaulding: All right, now get your fuckin' ass out the car. Go on. Yayayayayaya!

[Spaulding starts laughing]

[last lines]

voice: [answering phone call] Hello?

Jamie: Mr. Drucken, my name is Jamie Taylor

voice: We've been expecting your call. Would you like to come in?

Jamie: No, we do this my way. I have something you want...

Jamie: Your brother looks like Bluto from Popeye and you look like Olive Oil.

Landon: Are you scared?

Jamie: To death...

[Landon looks upset]

Jamie: Lighten up.

Landon: It's not funny.

Jamie: I'm scared of not being with you.

Landon: Oh baby, that will never happen... I'll be here.

Landon: Hey. How are you feeling?

Jamie: I'm ok, how are you?

Landon: Pretty good.

Jamie: I have something for you.

Landon: You do?

Jamie: Uh hmm... Don't worry it's not a bible. It was my mother's. It's got quotes from all her favorite books, and quotes by famous people. Her thoughts. Come on.

Landon: Okay, let's check it out. Okay..."What is a friend? It's a single soul dwelling in two bodies." -Aristotle.

Jamie: Uh uh, right here.

Landon: Okay. "Find out who you are, and do it on purpose." That's Dolly Parton.

Jamie: I always thought she was smart.

Landon: "Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful."

Landon: Jamie... I love you.

[long pause]

Landon: Now would be the time to say something.

Jamie: I told you not to fall in love with me.

Landon: Do you love me?

[she nods]

Landon: Will you do something for me, then?

Jamie: [smiles] Anything.

Landon: Will you marry me?

[Jamie smiles and kisses him]

Jamie: You know what I figured out today?

Landon: What?

Jamie: Maybe God has a bigger plan for me than I had for myself. Like this journey never ends. Like you were sent to me because I'm sick. To help me through all this. You're my angel.

Landon: I might kiss you.

Jamie: I might be bad at it.

Landon: That's not possible.

Dean: If there is a higher power, why is it He can't get you a new sweater?

Jamie: He's too busy looking for your brain.

Jamie: You have to promise you won't fall in love with me.

Landon: That's not a problem.

Jamie: I'm sick.

Landon: I'll take you home. You'll be be...

Jamie: No. Landon! I'm sick. I have Leukemia.

Landon: No. You're 18. You - you're perfect.

Jamie: No. I found out two years ago and I've stopped responding to treatments.

Landon: So why didn't you tell me?

Jamie: The doctor said I should go on and live life normally as best I could. I - I didn't want anybody to be weird around me.

Landon: Including me?

Jamie: Especially you!

[Jamie looks down]

Jamie: [Landon gets upset]

Jamie: Ya know, I was getting along with everything fine. I accepted it, and then you happened! I do not need a reason to be angry with God.

[Jamie runs away]

Jamie: You don't know the first thing about being someone's friend.

Landon: I don't want to just be your friend.

Jamie: You don't know what you want.

Landon: Neither do you. Maybe you're just too scared that someone might actually want to be with you.

Jamie: And why would that scare me?

Landon: Because then you wouldn't be able to hide behind your books, or your frickin' telescope, or your faith. No, no, you know the real reason why you're scared? It's cause you wanna be with me too.

Jamie: You're acting like a crazy person, what's going on?

Landon: Right now, you're straddling the state line.

Jamie: OK...

Landon: You're in two places at once.

Landon: Can you find this star, right here?

Jamie: Sure. So why am I looking for this star?

Landon: Because I had it named for you. See? It's official. It's from the International Star Registry.

Jamie: This is wonderful... I love you.

Jamie: Are you trying to seduce me?

Landon: Why? Are you seducible?

Jamie: How can you see places like this... and have moments like this and not believe?

Landon: You're lucky to be so sure.

Jamie: It's like the wind. I can't... see it, but I feel it.

Jamie: [crying, runs into Landon]

Landon: [holds her] This is about me, okay? This is not you. Wait here.

Jamie: [nods]

Jamie: [to Landon] You're my angel.

Jamie: Please don't pretend like you know me, ok?

Landon: But I do, I do. We've had all the same classes in the same school since kindergarten. Why you're Jamie Sullivan. You sit at lunch table 7. Which isn't exactly the reject table, but is definitely in self exile territory. You have exactly one sweater. You like to look at your feet when you walk. Oh, oh, and yeah, for fun, you like to tutor on weekends and hang out with the cool kids from "Stars and Planets." Now how does that sound?

Jamie: Thoroughly predictable, nothing I haven't heard before.

Landon: You don't care what people think about you?

Jamie: No.

Jamie: [after she and Landon keep switching the radio station] Forty-two.

Landon: "Forty-two", what do you-what do you mean "forty-two"?

Jamie: Forty-two is "Befriend somebody I don't like". It's a to-do list I have.

Landon: What, like getting a new personality?

Jamie: Spend a year in the Peace Corps, make a medical discovery...

Landon: That's ambitious.

Jamie: ...Be in two places at once, get a tattoo.

Landon: What's number one?

Jamie: I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.

Jamie: So, would it kill you to try?

Landon: Yup, and I'm too young to die.

Landon: Jamie, I'm trying here, OK? Maybe... maybe I miss spending time with you. Maybe you inspire me.

Jamie: Sounds like bull.

Landon: Which part?

Jamie: All of it.

Landon: Well it's not!

Jamie: Prove it.

Landon: So, what's your number one?

Jamie: To marry in the church my mother grew up. It's where my parents were married.

Jamie: Without suffering there would be no compassion.

Landon: Yeah, well tell that to those who suffer.

Landon: Listen, Jamie, I was hoping we could run lines together?

Jamie: Okay, but just not so anybody knows, right?

Landon: Well I just figured we could surprise everyone with how good I get.

Jamie: Like we could be secret friends.

Landon: Exactly, exactly it's like you're reading my mind.

Jamie: Great umm... maybe you could read mine.

[she gives him a cold glare and turns away]

Landon: Jamie, Jamie I can't just be your friend.

Jamie: Landon, look, I thought I saw something in you, something good, but I was very wrong.

[at the hospital]

Reverend Sullivan: Do you remember when you were about five or six and you said you hated gravity? And you wanted to jump off the roof and fly?

Jamie: I was so angry at you for making me come down.

Reverend Sullivan: Honey, if I kept you too close it's because I wanted to keep you longer. You know, when I lost your mother, I was afraid that my heart would never open again. Jamie, I couldn't look at you for days.

Landon: What'd you tell your father?

Jamie: The truth. I just left you out of it.

Landon: What are you doing here?

Jamie: I could ask you the same question.

Landon: Do you normally walk alone in cemeteries at night?

Jamie: Maybe.

Jamie: Make yourself at home.

Landon: Yeah!

[whisper]

Landon: It's not likely.

Jamie: What do you want Carter? I've known you for years and you've never been the first one to come up and say "hello."

Jamie: [Speaking to someone else] This is a star frame and it will help you locate stars and planets with your naked eye. Mercury and Jupiter can be seen just over the west south west of the horizon after sunset.

Dean: Bet you can see angels up there flying around.

Jamie: In fact, there are some things that they call miraculous. Einstein said the more he studied the universe, the more he believed in a higher power.

Dean: Well, if there is a higher power, then why is it he can't get you a new sweater?

[His friends laugh]

Jamie: He's too busy looking for your brain.

Eric: Ohhhhh, dayaaaaam!

[laughing]

Jamie: People can see.

Landon: And that would ruin your reputation how?

Jamie: OK, so you don't care about classes or graduating, but you like school because you're popular and you'll never be on top again.

Landon: That's thoroughly predictable.

Jamie: Your act only works on an audience.

[approching a group of Japanese soldiers in Shanghai]

Jamie: Excuse me everyone...

[throws arms up]

Jamie: I surrender.

Japanese Soldiers: [laughing and mocking Jamie] I surrender! I surrender. Banzai! Banzai!

Jamie: Help me, I'm British.

Basie: What did you say your name was boy?

Jamie: Jamie and I'm building a man-flying kite and writing a book called Contract Bridge.

Basie: Jim a new name for a new life.

Jamie: Was that the first time someone sang the National Anthem into your ass?

Ceth: No.

Sofia: I'm pre-orgasmic.

Jamie: Does that mean you're about to have one?

[Jamie jumps on Shabbos]

Jamie: Ah! You got a boner!

Shabbos Goy: That's my cell phone, you fuckin' albino butch faggot!

Jamie: [to Sofia] Let's face it, monogamy's for straight people.

Jamie: [to James] Do you love me? You don't love me anymore.

Jamie: I just have to switch the film, we're going to watch a three-hour Gertrude Stein documentary.

Justin Bond: Sounds like a real weenie-shrinker. Come on, let's go get laid.

[repeated line]

Jamie: I'm an albino!

Jamie: Recently we started talking about opening up our relationship.

James: Sexually, you know.

Jamie: How'd your audition go? I think mine went well. I practiced forever. I was better at home. Auditions are stressful. When I wanted my baking kit, I prayed to God every night for a whole month to get it.

Phoebe: Is that what you have to do?

Jamie: Well, if you want something really bad, you have to pray. Or do something you hate, and God will see you deserve it.

Phoebe: I don't believe in God.

Jamie: Me neither, but I did get the baking kit.

Sally: Homo

Jamie: Homo got the part!

Jamie: I have Mary. She's a Patriot Girl too, except British. She escaped the bombing of London during World War II.

Phoebe: I know who she is. She's a loser.

Jamie: You think?

Phoebe: What are you looking for?

Jamie: Money. Yesterday I found a dollar. I'm saving up for Sings With Birds, the noble Sioux girl growing up in 1732.

Phoebe: Do you want my Catherine doll?

Jamie: Thanks, but I have her.

Mia: Have you got any more of that pot on you?

Jamie: Yeah, in my pocket. That's why your dog was sniffing my nuts.

Mia: No need to explain.

Jamie: Oh yeah, I just uh- I just didn't want you to think I have a hygiene problem.

Mia: Why? You're expecting me to suck your cock?

Paul: Jamie, you with us?

Jamie: Right.

Paul: Snoop?

Snoop: Yeah, I'm in.

Paul: Billy?

Billy: What, are you kidding? I can't stand that creep.

Paul: [to Todd] What about you?

Young Todd: As long as I get to see that motherfucker squirm.

Paul: Don't worry. Tonight's the night that we scare the shit out of Cropsy. Because when he wakes up, when he see it, he's gonna have a heart attack.

Meeker: National Guard will take him to a maximum security facility where he'll stay till the day he dies.

Jamie: He'll never die.

Jamie: [struggling] Stooorrre.

Billy: Store.

Loomis: Store? What kind of store? What do they sell there?

Jamie: [struggles] All nighter.

Billy: All nighter.

Loomis: What do they sell?

Jamie: [trying] Big...

Billy: Big.

Jamie: Woman.

Billy: Woman.

Loomis: A big woman, who works in the store?

Jamie: [shaking head] No!

Loomis: What, Jamie, what?

[she starts crying]

Jamie: Cookie Woman.

Billy: Cookie Woman.

Loomis: Cookie Woman?

Cop at Pageant: [into walkie talkie] Dale's Gas Station, 5th in Main.

Loomis: [Tina arrives at the clinic] Tina.

Tina: Where's Jamie? Is something wrong?

Jamie: [says clearly] Tina.

Tina: [runs to her and they hug] Say it again.

Jamie: T-ina.

Tina: I love it.

[they hug]

Jamie: Don't go.

Tina: I have to.

Jamie: Why?

Tina: Because... You might not understand but when you're older there are people you're gonna meet who make you feel like connected. Like your heart is made of neon and when you find them you have to be with them.

Jamie: But he was with you.

Tina: Who?

Jamie: The boogeyman.

Tina: Oh yeah, that's one way of describing him.

[kisses her, and gets up]

Jamie: Tina, no!

Tina: Honey, I will come back later tonight and I will sleep with you right here.

Jamie: Tina!

Tina: I'll be back. I love you.

Jamie: [screaming and crying] Tina!

Nicole: Who's Gertrude?

Jamie: Miss Illuminati 1896!

Jamie: Oh God... that's like the third time I've thrown up.

Jamie: [to Pat who is looking for her car keys] It's about your boyfriend and that girl downstairs. She's not a girl: she's a succubus. That means she fucks men and then she kills them, not always in that order.

Eben: Do me a favor, boy.

Jamie: What's that?

Eben: Say 'shit'.

Jamie: What?

Eben: Say 'shit'.

Jamie: Shit!

Eben: [chuckles] I just wanted to see if you can do it.

Jamie: [chuckles] Shit.

Jamie: Great, Karen. Just great.

Karen: What's that supposed to mean?

Jamie: Just what we needed. Camping with the Addams Family.

Jamie: Now it's your turn to scream for me you dirty little slut!

[spanks Sissy]

Sissy: Oooooh!

Jamie's Mom: [talking on phone] What are you doing?

Jamie: I was just on the other line with the suicide hotline. Yeah... they said I should do it.

Jamie's Mom: Oh my God Jamie, are you okay?

Jamie: I'm kidding, I'm kidding mom.

Jamie: I wish we had time to bury them fellas.

Josey Wales: To hell with them fellas. Buzzards gotta eat, same as worms.

Granny Hawkins: So, you'll be Josey Wales.

Josey Wales: Now, how might you know that, Granny?

Granny Hawkins: Soldiers were here looking for you 'bout two hours ago.

[Josey looks at Carstairs]

Sim Carstairs: Uh, I was goin' to mention that to you... as soon as I got the chance.

Granny Hawkins: They say you killed your own men.

Jamie: Those lying, blue-scum bellies...

Granny Hawkins: They say you're a hard put and desperate man, Josey Wales. They're goin' to heel and hide you to a barn door. You know what I say?

Josey Wales: What's that?

Granny Hawkins: I say that big talk's worth doodly-squat. Now, them poultices be laced with feathermoss and mustard root. Mind you drop water on 'em occasional and keep 'em damp.

[Walks off]

Granny Hawkins: You can pay me when you see me again, Josey Wales.

Josey Wales: I reckon so.

Jamie: You can't get 'em all, Josey.

Josey Wales: That's a fact.

Jamie: How come you're doing this, then?

Josey Wales: Because I ain't got nothin' better to do.

Jamie: [after Jamie and Josie kill Abe and Lige] I figured you could use some help.

Josey Wales: You get those holes a-leakin', I'm gonna whomp you with a knotted plow line.

Jamie: [Josey and Jamie are waiting for the Redlegs to cross the river] They comin'.

[Josie pulls a Sharp's rifle with a early telescopic sight on it from his horse]

Carpetbagger: Do you really think you can shoot all those men down before they shoot you? No, no, Mr. Josey Wales; there is such a thing in this country called justice!

Josey Wales: Well, Mr. Carpetbagger. We got somethin' in this territory called the Missouri boat ride.

[shoots the rope hauling the ferry across the river]

Jamie: We whooped 'em again, Josey!