Jamaal Quotes in Me, Myself & Irene (2000)
Jamaal: He may have advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage. But he is a very gentle person!
Hank Evans: [singing to The Dwarves' MotherFucker] I'm a Motherfucker! I'm a Motherfucker! I'm a Mo-Mo-Mo-Mo-Mo-Mo-Mo-Mo-Mo...
[sees Irene with a lawn dart at the ready]
Hank Evans: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
[turns off radio]
Hank Evans: What's the buzz? Tell me what's happenin'.
Shonte Jr.: Damn. I can't figure out the atomic mass of this motherfuckin' deuteron!
Jamaal: Shit, man, that shit's simple! Okay. Tell me this. Tell me this.
Shonte Jr.: What? What?
Jamaal: What's a deuteron made up of?
Shonte Jr.: Duh, a proton and a neutron.
Jamaal: Then what's this motherfuckin' electron doing right there?
Shonte Jr.: Shit, I don't know!
Jamaal: Well, get it outta there then!
Shonte Jr.: Okay, so, you're sayin' I add up the atomic masses of the proton and the neutron, right, I see's that, but what do I do with the goddamn electron? Can I bring it over here?
Jamaal: Enrico Fermi'd roll over in his motherfucking grave if he heard that stupid shit. I mean, he'd just turn over ass up in your face. He wouldn't give a fuck!
Lee Harvey: Hey, Jamaal, man, just cut my man some slack, dog.
Jamaal: Look here, man, I'm just tryin' to help him save face, all right? I mean, you know, he keep askin' questions like that, motherfuckers gonna think he's stupid!
Shonte Jr.: I ain't stupid.
Jamaal: Aw, shit, man.
Charlie Baileygates: Mornin', fellas.
Lee Harvey: Oh, hey, Dad.
Jamaal: Hey, Pops, how you doin', man?
Charlie Baileygates: What's all the commotion down here?
Jamaal: Oh, you know, just school shit and shit.
Charlie Baileygates: How's my little guy doing?
Shonte Jr.: Struggling. This quantum physics is confusing. If I don't buckle down, I'm gonna get myself another B-plus.
Charlie Baileygates: Ooh, that'd be whack.
Lee Harvey: Man, he so fuckin' dumb, he think calculus is a goddamn emperor.
Jamaal: [bumping fists] Give it up, dog.
Shonte Jr.: Yeah, well, you think polypeptide's a motherfuckin' toothpaste!
Jamaal: Lee Harvey, what's the diameter of a chicken egg?
Lee Harvey: 4.08 centimeters.
Jamaal: No, no, what's that in inches?
Lee Harvey: 1.61, man, what the fuck you gettin' at, man?
Jamaal: I got ten bucks saying I can squeeze a chicken egg up his ass without it breaking.
Shonte Jr.: Man, you can't put no chicken egg up his ass, man, look at him, he a tightass.
Jamaal: No, it can be done.
Lee Harvey: Yo. I'll take that bet.
[They bump fists]
Lee Harvey: Shit, yeah, man, look, you keep fuckin' around, you gonna get that scholarship to Yale taken away from you. Be stuck up there at Stanford with those goddamn sling-blade motherfuckers.
Jamaal: Shit, motherfucker, you be lucky to get accepted to Duke, gettin' a 1430 on yo' SATs.
Lee Harvey: Motherfucker, you know I had the flu.
Jamaal: The flu, my ass! You had a motherfuckin' aneurysm to get a 1430!
Jamaal: Motherfucker! That motherfuckin' Vince Foster was murdered! I told you that shit!
Lee Harvey: Look, my man, will you quit hacking into them goddamn Pentagon files, man? Ain't no never mind who them crooked politicians be killing. You need to just do your goddamn studyin'!
[inside the airplane trailing the banner "Will You Marry Me, Bitch?"]
Whitey: It's gonna be raining wine and roses tonight.
Jamaal: I'll tell you one thing, it's gonna be raining my motherfucking cookies if this motherfucker don't stop this turbulence shit!
Jamaal, Lee Harvey, Shonte Jr.: Thanks for watching our motherfucking movie!
[in a police helicopter on the ground]
Shonte Jr.: Anybody know how to fly this damn thing?
Jamaal: Motherfucker, it can't be that hard, it's just lift versus drag and rotation.
Lee Harvey: Yeah, man, get your head out your ass.
Shonte Jr.: It's not that, man, the controls are written in German, ya asshole.
Lee Harvey: Motherfucker, you speak German don't you?
Shonte Jr.: Motherfucker, I can speak it, I ain't saying I can read the shit all that good.
Jamaal: [Grabs instruction book] You a motherfuckin' disgrace!
[reading in German from the instruction book; subtitled]
Jamaal: Secure the aft doors and adjust the motherfucking rotor pedals!
Shonte Jr.: Jawohl!
Jamaal: [in German] Now, disengage the goddamn inverter switch!
Shonte Jr.: Jawohl!
Jamaal: [in English] Well, get this motherfucker off the ground!
Jamaal: My daddy ain't killed nobody, and he sure as shit ain't kidnapped no skinny-ass bitch!
Jamaal: These two motherfuckers can do the shopping, and I'll do the cooking.
Lee Harvey: Man, you'll do the cooking? Man, you're the one who thought you got chipped beef from a toothy blowjob.
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