Jam Quotes in Detroit Rock City (1999)

Jam: Hey what's up mom? I'm gonna ask you this nicely first. Can I have my drumsticks back?

Mrs. Bruce: Your drumsticks are the least of your worries young man. You ran out on God! My son just ran out on God! You are in a world of...

Jam: TROUBLE! HA HA HA! I've been in trouble for the past 12 hours! HELLO? You know I'm going to be in St. Bernards Boarding School for the next 2 years of my life, remember?

Mrs. Bruce: YES!

Jam: I am going to be out of your hair until I am a legal adult!

Mrs. Bruce: YES!

Jam: Then all you have to do is go to church, light a candle, and pray to some stupid little statue for me and all is forgiven and forgotten, right mom? Then you can spend your days in a guilt free pursuit of more constructive activities like telling everybody ELSE how screwed up THEIR lives are. And then you no longer need the patience and understanding required to talk to your own son on some normal plain. And then that way you don't have to think about how tough it was for you when you were growing up and its probably a good thing too cause if you did, you'd realize what a lousy, goddamn shitty-ass parent you are!

Mrs. Bruce: Jeremiah... what has gotten into you?

Jam: [Yells over bullhorn to crowd of church-goers] I JUST LOST MY VIRGINITY IN A CONFESSIONAL BOOTH! LORD... HAVE... MERCY! Now, for the last time... Mom... Give me back my FUCKING drumsticks...

[long pause]

Jam: please.

Jam: It's a teenage girl walking along the side of the highway. I mean, they, they, they make scary movies that start out like that.

Trip: Hey, but, but they make porno movies that start out like that too, man.

Christine: Hey, you know what? Disco's so fucking big right now, I wouldn't be suprised if KISS did a disco song.

Lex: Man, if there's one thing KISS will never do, it is a bullshit disco song.

Jam: No shit man!

Trip: Yeah man. Disco blows dogs for quarters man!

Lex: [Voices, and Faces inside Trip's head as He contemplates robbing a store] I can't believe you're thinking of robbing a store, Trip. I mean, You don't pass go, and collect 200 Dollars for pulling Stuff like this, Man.

Hawk: No shit, Man, is this really worth it? Still, You're gonna get Your ass kicked nine ways to Sunday by that fucking Gorilla, but I guess it's still a Hundred Times better than getting it Porked for the next Three to Five, right?

Jam: What about that Girl Trip, She'll never forget this Night. Even if You got away with it, She'll be Scarred for Life, I mean, when are You gonna realize some Day, that being Tough, means being Tender?

Trip: [Aloud] Alright everybody, just Shut up!

[All the Customers look at Trip questionably, as Trip fakes a Cough]

Trip: Whoa, man. I just had the killer-est vision, man. Imagine Mystery, openin' up for KISS, man.

Lex: Oh, that'd be fuckin' IT, man!

Trip: It could happen, man. it could happen!

Jam: You know, in '73, KISS was opening for Blue Oyster Cult. One year later, to the day, man, Blue Oyster Cult was opening for KISS.

Lex: Yeah, well, we're not gonna be openin' for anyone until our lead singer gets over his stage fright.

Hawk: [scoffs] Man, I don't have fucking stage fright, man!

Lex: Then why'd you pass out at Bing's party before the first fucking song?

Hawk: That was one show, man!

Lex: Yeah, that was our only show, and you dropped like a dead deer on us!

Hawk: Shut up, man.

Mrs. Bruce: Where's Karen Carpenter?

Jam: How would I know?

Mrs. Bruce: Do you have Donny and Marie, too?

Jam: *Why* would I have Donny and Marie?

Hawk: So, you grounded because of what happened last night, or what, man?

Jam: No, yeah. But, uhh, has that ever stopped me before?

Jam: [Jam meets Beth in the confessional booth] Beth? Are you waiting for a confession? I thought you were Jewish?

Trip: So who did your wardrobe? A band of preppy sailboat captains?

Jam: Hey, my mom had me over a barrel, alright? After what happened last night I had to let her *dress* me today!

[Huffs]

Jam: It's a give-and-take relationship.

Lex: Yeah, she gives you shit, and you take it!

Hawk: Jam, give me the tickets, man, I wanna hang on to them.

Jam: The... tickets?

Hawk: What?

Jam: you see, there's a little, *little* problem with that. They're still at my house in Trip's jacket.

Hawk: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

Jam: She was standing right over me while I was changing, for fuck's sake!

Hawk: Jam, you are so pathetic, man!

Trip: That is some sick shit right there! What, does she comb your ass hair for you too?

Lex: Jam, if she even smells those tickets, she'll destroy 'em, and we get fucked outta seein' KISS for the third year in a row!

Jam: They're fine, they're at my house, they're perfectly safe. We can go there right after school and pick 'em up. My mom's not even gonna be there!

Trip: Dudes, hours from now, we're actually gonna be seein' KISS!

Hawk: All right, man. We'll just double time it to your house, and grab the tickets before heading to the train station for the 3:45 to DETROIT... ROCK... CITY! GOD!

[Bell rings]

Hawk: Well, as they say in the tampon biz, see you next period.

[slams locker door]

Jam: Hey look, it's that girl.

Trip: Man, that's no girl, that's a Stella!

Hawk: [drives up to radio station] Here we are. Ample time to grab the tickets, and God was smiling down on us tonight.

Jam: That's funny, I figured he'd be pissed as hell at me!

Jam: Jeremiah, it's time to go!

[walks in Jam's room, Jam stands up quickly to pull up his window shade, hiding the KISS poster pinned to it]

Jam: *What* are you doing?

Jam: [trying to find an excuse] Just, uh, whooh, gettin' a little sunshine!

Jam: And, and call me Jam. It's my band name.

Jam: [holds up his broken drumstick] Cute.