Jake Quotes in The Wraith (1986)

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Jake Quotes:

  • Billy Hankins: Look, do you mind if I lay my towel here? I ain't welcome over there.

    Jake: Why not?

    Billy Hankins: Why ain't I welcome or it's ok to lay here?

    Jake: Take your pick.

  • Keri Johnson: [after The Wraith has transformed into Jake] Jake!

    Jake: [smiles] You know who I am.

    Keri Johnson: [pause, then she realizes the truth] Jamie!

    [She runs into his arms and they embrace]

    Jake: This is as close as I could come to who I once was.

    Keri Johnson: It's close enough.

    [They kiss]

  • Keri Johnson: [after kissing Jake] Nice.

    Jake: I thought so, too.

    Keri Johnson: Look, Jake, if Packard knew I was here with you... I mean, people are afriad of him for a reason.

    Jake: People are afraid because guys like Packard prey on fear and weakness.

    Keri Johnson: Well, I just think he's crazy. Try and be brave against Packard and he might kill you.

    Jake: Or he might let you go. Courage isn't easy to come by. That's how he keeps those goons with him all the time. They're just scared.

    Keri Johnson: So am I.

    Jake: Keri, listen. There's gonna come a time when you'll have to take a stand. When you do that, that's when you'll free yourself of him. No sooner.

  • Billy Hankins: [Talking about Keri] Me and her are pretty good friends. Well, actually she's... she used to be tight with my brother. She's got real problems with that lunatic she's with there now.

    Jake: What kind of problems?

    Billy Hankins: Well, Packard's a mistake of nature or a genetic misfire.

    Jake: [laughing] He's what?

    Billy Hankins: Packard gets crazy jealous if anybody even looks at Keri cross-eyed. You gotta wear dark glasses so he doesn't catch you at it.

  • Jake: Well, it's time for me to hit the road. My business here is finished. Before I do, I want you to have somethin'.

    [hands Billy his car keys]

    Jake: She's yours now.

    Billy Hankins: Who's mine?

    Jake: It's outside. Turbo Interceptor. The only one in existence. Does very special things. Take care of it, will ya?

    Billy Hankins: Who are you, bro?

    Jake: You said it, Billy.

  • Jake: [after he has transformed from The Wraith back into himself] Can't do *that* again!

  • Keri Johnson: Who are you?

    Jake: Ask Packard.

    Keri Johnson: Packard?

    Jake: He knows why I'm here.

  • Jake: [to Keri] Think of it as a second chance... we were meant to be together.

  • Keri Johnson: I dreamed that the man in the moon was laughing at me.

    Jake: He does laugh all the time. You ever notice that?

    Keri Johnson: Then I was headed east on the back of a motorcycle and the driver was Jamie Henkins. What's strange is that Jamie's dead.

  • Elwood: It's 106 miles to Chicago, we got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark... and we're wearing sunglasses.

    Jake: Hit it.

  • Mrs. Murphy: May I help you boys?

    Elwood: You got any white bread?

    Mrs. Murphy: Yes.

    Elwood: I'll have some toasted white bread please.

    Mrs. Murphy: You want butter or jam on that toast, honey?

    Elwood: No ma'am, dry.

    [Mrs. Murphy gives him a look, then turns to Jake]

    Jake: Got any fried chicken?

    Mrs. Murphy: Best damn chicken in the state.

    Jake: Bring me four fried chickens and a Coke.

    Mrs. Murphy: You want chicken wings or chicken legs?

    Jake: Four fried chickens and a Coke.

    Elwood: And some dry white toast please.

    Mrs. Murphy: Y'all want anything to drink with that?

    Elwood: No ma'am.

    Jake: A Coke.

    Mrs. Murphy: Be up in a minute

  • Jake: What's this?

    Elwood: What?

    Jake: This car. This stupid car! Where's the Cadillac?

    [Elwood doesn't answer]

    Jake: The Caddy! Where's the Caddy?

    Elwood: The what?

    Jake: The Cadillac we used to have. The Bluesmobile!

    Elwood: I traded it.

    Jake: You traded the Bluesmobile for this?

    Elwood: No, for a microphone.

    Jake: A microphone?

    [pause]

    Jake: Okay I can see that. What the hell is this?

    Elwood: This was a bargain. I picked it up at the Mount Prospect city police auction last spring. It's an old Mount Prospect police car. They were practically giving 'em away.

    Jake: Well thank you, pal. The day I get outta prison, my own brother picks me up in a *police* car!

  • Elwood: Illinois Nazis.

    Jake: I hate Illinois Nazis.

  • [after a burst of gunfire from the Mystery Woman, Jake climbs to his feet, covered in mud from the tunnel floor]

    Jake: It's good to see you, sweetheart.

    Mystery Woman: You contemptible pig! I remained celibate for you. I stood at the back of a cathedral, waiting, in celibacy, for you, with three hundred friends and relatives in attendance. My uncle hired the best Romanian caterers in the state. To obtain the seven limousines for the wedding party, my father used up his last favor with Mad Pete Trullo. So for me, for my mother, my grandmother, my father, my uncle, and for the common good, I must now kill you, and your brother.

    [Jake falls to his knees]

    Jake: Oh, please, don't kill us! Please, please don't kill us! You know I love you baby. I wouldn't leave ya. It wasn't my fault!

    Mystery Woman: You miserable slug! You think you can talk your way out of this? You betrayed me.

    Jake: No, I didn't. Honest... I ran out of gas. I... I had a flat tire. I didn't have enough money for cab fare. My tux didn't come back from the cleaners. An old friend came in from out of town. Someone stole my car. There was an earthquake. A terrible flood. Locusts! IT WASN'T MY FAULT, I SWEAR TO GOD!

    [Elwood covers his head in anticipation of more gunfire, Jake removes his sunglasses to make a wordless appeal, and the Mystery Woman visibly softens]

    Mystery Woman: Oh, Jake... Jake, honey...

    [Jake embraces the Mystery Woman and they kiss]

    Jake: [to Elwood] Let's go.

    [He drops the Mystery Woman and walks off]

    Elwood: [to the Mystery Woman as he steps past her] Take it easy.

  • [while standing at the entrance to the Triple Rock church watching the service with much dancing and Hallelujah choruses, a heavenly light shines down on Jake and he has an epiphany]

    Jake: The band? The band.

    Reverend Cleophus James: DO YOU SEE THE LIGHT?

    Jake: THE BAND!

    Reverend Cleophus James: DO YOU SEE THE LIGHT?

    Elwood: What light?

    Reverend Cleophus James: HAVE YOU SEEEEN THE LIGHT?

    Jake: YES! YES! JESUS H. TAP-DANCING CHRIST... I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT!

  • Jake: How often does the train go by?

    Elwood: So often that you won't even notice it.

  • Jake: We're putting the band back together.

    Mr. Fabulous: Forget it. No way.

    Elwood: We're on a mission from God.

  • [Elwood Blues Jake Blues has a fight over the police car Elwood Blues got after he traded away the original bluesmobile for a microphone]

    Elwood: You don't like it?

    Jake: No I don't like it...

    [Elwood Blues floors the pedal and jumps over an open drawbridge]

    Jake: Car's got a lot of pickup.

    Elwood: It's got a cop motor, a 440 cubic inch plant, it's got cop tires, cop suspensions, cop shocks. It's a model made before catalytic converters so it'll run good on regular gas. What do you say, is it the new Bluesmobile or what?

    [a brief thinking pause while Jake attempts to light a cigarette]

    Jake: Fix the cigarette lighter.

  • Jake: We'll put the band back together, do a few gigs, we get some bread. Bang! Five thousand bucks.

    Elwood: Yeah, well, getting the band back together might not that be that easy, Jake.

    Jake: What are you talking about?

    Elwood: They split, they all took straight jobs.

    Jake: Yeah, so you know where they are. You said you were gonna keep in touch with them.

    Elwood: Well... I got a couple of leads, a few phone numbers, but I mean, how many of them visited or even wrote you, huh?

    Jake: They're not the kinda guys who write letters. You were outside, I was inside. You were supposed to keep in touch with the band. I kept asking you if we were gonna play again.

    Elwood: Well, what was I gonna do? Take away your only hope? Take away the very thing that kept you going in there? I took the liberty of bullshitting you, okay?

    Jake: You lied to me.

    Elwood: It wasn't a lie, it was just bullshit.

  • [to man in restaurant]

    Jake: [fakes accent] How much for the little girl? How much for the women?

    Father: What?

    Jake: Your women. I want to buy your women. The little girl, your daughters... sell them to me. Sell me your children!

  • Jake: First you traded the Cadillac in for a microphone. Then you lied to me about the band. And now you're gonna put me right back in the joint!

    Elwood: They're not gonna catch us. We're on a mission from God.

  • Murph: Tell me a little about this electric piano, Ray.

    Ray: Ah, you have a good eye, my man. That's the best in the city Chicago.

    Jake: How much?

    Ray: 2000 bucks and it's yours. You can take it home with you. As a matter of fact, I'll throw in the black keys for free.

  • [Elwood Blues has just passed on a red light, and a police car rolls up behind them. The words are said in the same rhythm as a blues song ("Soothe Me") on the car stereo]

    Elwood: Shit.

    Jake: What?

    Elwood: Rollers...

    Jake: No.

    Elwood: Yeah.

    Jake: Shit.

  • Jake: Uh, Bob, about the money for tonight.

    Bob: Oh, yeah, $200, and you boys drank $300 worth of beer.

  • Jake: [to Sister Mary Stigmata] Five grand? No problem, we'll have it for you in the morning. Let's go, Elwood.

    Sister Mary Stigmata: No, no! I will not take your filthy stolen money!

    Jake: Well then... I guess you're really up Shit Creek.

    [Sister Mary Stigmata hits Jake Blues with a ruler for using that kind of language]

    Sister Mary Stigmata: I beg your pardon, what did you say?

    Jake: I offered to help you... You refused to take our money. Then I said: I guess you're really up Shit Creek!

    [Sister Mary Stigmata hits Jake Blues with the ruler again]

    Elwood: Christ, Jake. Take it easy man.

    [Sister Mary Stigmata hits Elwood Blues]

    Jake: Oh shit!

    [Sister Mary Stigmata hits Jake Blues]

    Elwood: Jesus Christ!

    [Sister Mary Stigmata hits Elwood Blues]

    Jake: Shit!

  • Jake: How are you gonna get the band back together, Mr. Hot Rodder? Those cops have your name, your address...

    Elwood: They don't have my address. I falsified my renewal. I put down 1060 West Addison.

    Jake: 1060 West Addison? That's Wrigley Field.

  • Jake: [about the electric piano] $2,000 for this chunk of shit? C'mon, Ray.

    Murph: [tests the piano] I mean really, Ray, it's used. There's no action left in this keyboard.

    Ray: [smiles, comes out to the piano] E-excuse me, uh, I don't think there's anything wrong with the action on this piano.

    [launches into "Shake Your Tail Feather"]

  • Mrs. Murphy: Don't you "Don't get riled, sugar" me! You ain't goin' back on the road no more, and you ain't playin' them ol' two-bit sleazy dives. You're livin' with me now, and you not gonna go slidin' around witcho ol' white hoodlum friends.

    Matt Murphy: But babes, this is Jake and Elwood, the Blues Brothers.

    Mrs. Murphy: The Blues Brothers? Shit! They still owe you money, fool.

    Jake: Ma'am, would it make you feel any better if you knew that what we're asking Matt here to do is a holy thing?

    Elwood: You see, we're on a mission from God.

    Mrs. Murphy: Don't you blaspheme in here! Don't you blaspheme in here! This is my man, this is my restaurant, and you two are just gonna walk right out that door without your dry white toast, without your four fried chickens, and without Matt 'Guitar' Murphy!

  • Jake: Book us for tomorrow night.

    Maury Sline: Hold it, hold it. Tomorrow night? What are you talking about? A gig like that, you gotta prepare the proper exploitation.

    Elwood: I know all about that stuff. I have been exploited all my life.

  • Elwood: This is definitely Lower Wacker Drive! If my estimations are correct, we should be very close to the Honorable Richard J. Daley Plaza!

    Jake: That's where they got that Picasso.

    Elwood: Yep.

  • [Trying to get Mr. Fabulous back into the band]

    Jake: If you say no, Elwood and I will come here for breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day of the week.

    [Elwood takes a huge, obnoxious bite out of his bread]

    Mr. Fabulous: Okay, okay. I'll play. You got me.

  • [while they are driving around in the shopping mall with 2 police cars on their tail]

    Elwood: Baby clothes...

    Jake: This place has got everything.

  • Jake: Maury, you gotta come through for us. We need $5,000 fast.

    Maury Sline: $5,000? Who do you think you are, The Beatles?

  • Jake: Look at you, in those candy-ass monkey suits. And I thought I had it bad in Joliet.

    Willie 'Too Big' Hall: At least we got a change of clothes, sucker. You're wearing the same shit you had on three years ago.

  • [the brothers race around the mall parking lot]

    Elwood: We'll be all right if we can just get back on the expressway.

    Jake: This don't look like no expressway to me!

    Elwood: Don't yell at me.

    Jake: Well whadda you want me to do, Motorhead?

    Elwood: Try not to be so negative all the time. Why don't you offer a little... constructive criticism?

    Jake: You got us into to this parking lot, pal. Now you get us out!

    Elwood: You want outta this parking lot?... O.K.

  • [Arriving at the Orphanage]

    Jake: What are we doing here?

    Elwood: You promised you'd visit the penguin the day you got out.

    Jake: Yeah? So I lied to her.

    Elwood: You can't lie to a nun. We got to go in and visit the penguin.

    Jake: No... fucking... way.

  • Jake: Disco pants and haircuts...

    Elwood: Yeah, lots of space in this mall.

  • Elwood: [the Mystery Woman sprays the tunnel with gunfire as Jake and Elwood dive for the ground] Who *is* that girl?

    Mystery Woman: Well Jake, you look just fine down there, slithering in the mud like vermin.

    Jake: [makes a reassuring gesture to Elwood] No problem.

  • Jake: [falls down after getting smacked by Sister Mary Stigmata] Fuck this noise, man!

  • Elwood: Oh no.

    Jake: What the fuck was that?

    Elwood: The motor. We've thrown a rod.

    Jake: Is that serious?

    Elwood: Yup.

  • Curtis: Well, the Sister was right. You boys could use a little churching up. Slide on down to the Triple Rock, and catch Rev. Cleophus. You boys listen to what he's got to say.

    Jake: Curtis, I don't want to listen to no jive-ass preacher talking to me about Heaven and Hell.

    Curtis: Jake, you get wise. You get to church.

  • Elwood: I bet these cops got SCMODS.

    Jake: SCMODS?

    Elwood: State County Municipal Offender Data System.

  • Jake: Take $1400 and give it to Ray's Music Exchange in Calumet City. Give the rest to the band.

  • [the Good Ole Boys arrive late]

    Jake: My name is Jacob Stein. I'm from the American Federation of Music. I've been sent to see if you gentlemen are carrying your permits.

    Tucker McElroy: Our what?

    Jake: Your union cards. May I see your cards please?

    Tucker McElroy: Well, suppose we ain't got no union cards and go in there and start playin' anyway? Whatcha gonna do about that? You gonna stop us, Stein? Ha. You're gonna look pretty funny tryin' to eat corn on the cob with no fuckin' teeth!

  • [last lines]

    Cook County Assessor's Office Clerk: Can I help you?

    [the brothers back him up and lift him onto the counter]

    Jake: This is where they pay the taxes, right?

    Cook County Assessor's Office Clerk: Right.

    Elwood: This money is for the year's assessment of Saint Helen of the Blessed Shroud Orphanage in Calumet City, Illinois.

    Jake: 5,000 bucks, it's all there pal...

  • Jake: That Night Train's a mean wine.

  • Willie 'Too Big' Hall: You'll never get Matt and Mr. Fabulous out of them high-payin' gigs.

    Jake: Oh yeah? Well me and the Lord, we have an understanding.

  • Paden: [Paden has just been locked in a cell with Jake who is sentenced to hang] Making a big mistake.

    Jake: That's what I told 'em!

  • Jake: All I did was kiss a girl!

    Emmett: They got you in jail for that?

    Jake: Yeah, I kissed a girl, and this other fella didn't like it, so we had some words, and so I decided to get out of there. So I did, I got out of there. You know me, Emmett, I don't want no trouble. So, I go outside, and this fellow tries to shoot me in the back.

    Emmett: You had to kill him?

    Jake: No, no, I winged him. And he dropped his gun.

    Emmett: They got you in jail for winging a guy?

    Jake: Well... no, not exactly. Because, see, then his friend opened up on me.

    Emmett: What friend is that?

    Jake: The one with the shotgun.

    Sheriff Langston: The DEAD one.

  • Phoebe: [Phoebe stands between Jake and an angry Tyree] Nothing happened, Tyree. This is my job.

    Tyree: Shut up.

    Jake: I don't believe a lady has to explain anything to a man this ugly.

    [Two deputies come up behind him, but he doesn't seem to notice]

    Paden: [Comes up behind Tyree] What's the trouble here?

    Tyree: Stay out of this, Paden.

    Stella: He can't do that, Tyree. Cobb's hired him.

    Tyree: That's Cobb's mistake.

    Stella: Come on out of there, Phoebe, you've done enough.

    [Phoebe moves to leave, but Tyree pushes her back. Paden takes Tyree's gun and points it at him]

    Paden: Go on home, Jake.

    Jake: All I did was kiss the girl.

    Paden: That's what you said in Turley. Remember how that ended?

    Jake: What's the matter, Paden? You afraid I couldn't get those two behind me?

    Paden: I don't want you getting anybody in my place.

    Jake: [Takes his hat, faces the deputies, and points a finger at them] Boom.

    [He leaves]

    Tyree: [to Paden] I should've killed you a long time ago.

    Paden: [Offering Tyree's gun back to him] Why not now?

    [Tyree takes the gun and holds it under Paden's chin]

    Stella: Don't do it, Tyree. I just lost one partner. If you kill him, I'll never get anyone to work in here.

    Tyree: You better start looking.

    [He takes the gun from under Paden's chin and leaves]

    Stella: You really are a gambler, aren't you?

    Paden: [Walks up to the bar] Give me some of the good stuff.

  • [Paden comes back to the fire the night after Conrad is killed]

    Emmett: Where you been, Paden?

    Paden: Oh, I was just, uh... checking the, uh...

    [Mal laughs]

    Jake: Geez, Paden, her old man ain't even cold yet.

  • Jake: I got things to do, kid, I'm a busy man.

    Augie Hollis: I go with you.

    Jake: A grown man can't have a little boy with him everywhere he goes.

    Augie Hollis: Well, who's a grown man?

  • Jake: You've been to Chicago?

    Mal: Yeah.

    Jake: Was it wonderful?

    Mal: No.

  • Emmett: [Emmett, Paden, Jake, and Mal are about to ride into town to face McKendrick, Sheriff Cobb and his deputies. Emmett turns to the others] I'll see you 'round.

    Paden: Last one at the Midnight Star buys.

    Jake: You're on. Let's get 'em!

    Mal: [Emmett and Jake ride down the hill into town. Before following, Mal turns to Paden] Hey, Paden. Good luck.

  • [last lines]

    Jake: We'll be back!

  • Jake: Come on, boys! Jake's in town! Let's start the ball!

  • McCann: He's dead. He's dead as Elvis!

    Jake: You got him, man!

    McCann: Stop the car. We gotta make sure Elvis has left the building.

  • Scrabble Man: Drop the gun, Hallenbeck.

    [takes Joe's gun and tosses it]

    Scrabble Man: Bit late for a stroll, don't you think?

    Joe Hallenbeck: Yeah, you girls oughta be gettin' home.

    Jimmy Dix: Yeah, streetlights are on.

    Jake: Shut up, fuckface.

    Joe Hallenbeck: I'm fuckface, he's asshole.

    [Jimmy smiles sarcastically, in agreement]

    Scrabble Man: Jake?

    [Jake punches Joe in the face]

    Scrabble Man: Apprise Rodney Dangerfield here of his situation. Perhaps we can dispense with the fun and games now, yes?

    Joe Hallenbeck: You want the envelope, right?

    Scrabble Man: The envelope, very smart. See, Jake, here's a man who knows when a situation is untenable.

    Joe Hallenbeck: Good word.

    Scrabble Man: You like that word? And you do have that envelope, don't you?

    Joe Hallenbeck: Better give up, Jimmy. We're dealin' with a couple of geniuses here.

    [Jake punches Joe in the face again]

    Jimmy Dix: Alright man, just leave him the fuck alone!

    [Jake kicks Jimmy in the groin]

    Scrabble Man: Leave him alone? Sure, whatever you say. Jake attacks his job with a certain exuberance.

    Jimmy Dix: Shit, we're bein' beat up by the inventor of Scrabble.

    Scrabble Man: He's still in a good mood, Jake. Kick him again.

    Joe Hallenbeck: All right! You want the envelope the hooker had, right?

    Jimmy Dix: She wasn't a hooker, Joe.

    Joe Hallenbeck: Shut the fuck up.

  • Jake: What the fuck do you call 125 murders in 5 years?

    The Punisher: Work in progress.

  • Sam Leary: [as she and Berkowitz are combing the sewers for the Punisher's lair] ... So how come you never gave up on Frank Castle, like everybody else did?

    Jake: Because I know what it's like to be given up on.

    Sam Leary: Who gave up on YOU?

    Jake: Everyone and myself. You know how most cops like to go out for a drink after work? Well, I kept moving on up... to the drink BEFORE work, the drink DURING work, and finally the drink INSTEAD OF work. It got to be a real problem; nobody wanted to deal with it, least of all me. Before I knew it, I was down to cleaning empty shells off the firing range. Then along came Frank Castle, ex-Marine commando with a shiny new police badge, and a request to learn from the man who wrote the book on busting bad guys: me. He helped me get my act together, and the rest is history.

  • Jake: What you think you're gonna do with that? Play Ms. Pac-Man or something?

  • Jake: [Leary accessing the computer at Berkowitz's office] What do you think you are gonna do with that? Play Ms. Pac-Man or something?

    Sam Leary: Hopefully, find Castle.

    Jake: No shit!

    Sam Leary: No shit!

  • Jake: [Jakes enters Castle's cell] Hello, Frank. How have you been?

    Frank Castle: Busy.

    Jake: I know. I've heard about the charge of the body count. What the hell happened Frank?

    Frank Castle: Frank is dead! Alright?

    Jake: I see. So, you decided that everybody else had to be dead too, is that it?

    Frank Castle: No. If you're guilty, you're dead.

    Jake: Courts decide whose guilty. Not cops. We hereby swear to uphold the law, remember? I've been looking for you for 5 years. Why the hell didn't you come to me for help?

    Frank Castle: I didn't need your help.

    Jake: You're sick, you know that don't you?

    Jake: No I'm not.

    Jake: What the fuck do you call 125 murders in 5 years?

    Frank Castle: Work in progress.

    Jake: GODDAMMIT! This is no fucking joke. They are gonna electrocute you and there's nothing I can do anything about it. You got to talk to me. Let me in! LET ME IN! They were my fucking family too, Frank. They were my family too. Now let me in, goddamit. LET ME IN! I see. You wanna die? is that it? Well, fuck you! Go ahead and die. The Frank I knew died 5 years ago. FUCK YOU!

    [Knocks on door]

    Jake: Open this door!

  • Gianni Franco: [Alternate Ending] I'll see to him.

    Tommy Franco: But, I can help him.

    Gianni Franco: Wait outside, Tommy.

    [Tommy leaves and Gianni walks over to The Punisher whom is on the floor]

    Gianni Franco: You gave me back my son. Thank you! I'm in your debt. I would gladly give you whatever you want. But, I know all you want is my life. I can't give you that, not when I have him. I'm so sorry, Castle.

    Tommy Franco: [Gianni aims his gun at The Punisher] Dad!

    Tommy Franco: Go outside.

    Tommy Franco: He saved us. What are you doing?

    Gianni Franco: Do as I told you. Wait outside.

    Tommy Franco: No! I won't let you. I won't.

    Gianni Franco: TOMMY! WAIT OUTSIDE!

    Tommy Franco: No!

    Gianni Franco: [Tommy wrestles with Gianni] TOMMY!

    [the Punisher stabs Gianni with a knife. Gianni falls to the floor dead]

    Tommy Franco: Dad? Dad?

    [the Punisher takes Gianni's gun]

    Tommy Franco: I'M GONNA KILL YOU! I don't care how it takes. When I'm old enough, I'm gonna learn to use a gun and I am gonna find you and I'm gonna kill you.

    The Punisher: Oh! yeah? You learn how to use a gun.

    [the Punisher loads Gianni's gun]

    The Punisher: It's easy. All you got to do it aim and pull the trigger.

    The Punisher: [the Punisher gives Tommy Gianni's gun and aims it at The Punisher's forehead] Come on! Get it over with. Come on? Don't you want to be like your Dad?

    [Tommy hesitates]

    The Punisher: Come on! DO IT! DO IT! BLOW MY HEAD OFF!

    Tommy Franco: Stop!

    The Punisher: YOU NEED SOME HELP?

    [the Punisher grabs Tommy's arm and holds Gianni's gun forcefully against his forehead]

    The Punisher: Watch! WATCH!

    [Tommy pulls the trigger, but Gianni's gun is empty]

    Jake: [Jake and armed Swat office step out the elevator and sees the dead Yakuza members lying dead on the floor] Frank? Frank?

    The Punisher: [Tommy can't bring himself to kill The Punisher and Tommy drops Gianni's gun and breaks down into tears and cries and buries his face in The Punisher's chest] You're a good boy. Grow up to become a good man. Because if not, I'll be waiting.

    [the Punisher leaves]

    Jake: [Jake enters] Are you alright? Wish way did he go?

    [Jake sees a trail of The Punisher's blood and follows it to the rooftop. The Punisher is not on the rooftop and is nowhere to be seen]

    Jake: FRANK! FRANK!

    [the camera pulls away from the Yakuza building and fades to black]

    Jake: .

  • Jake: The Repossession Mambo? Sounds kinda fruity!

  • Jake: A midget.

    Frank: Little people, please. I have a cousin.

  • Jake: [opening door after Remy rings] Who's ringing my doorbells?

    [looks right past Remy]

    Jake: Damn kids!

  • Jake: [to Remy] You have done this a thousand times! What the fuck is wrong with you?

  • Jake: [as he's hovering over Brenda lying on the ground] I am going to cut your heart out and EAT IT!

  • Jake: [Jake and the Scars are sitting on the bleachers on the track field outside of Vince's school... Vince runs up] What's going on, Vinnie?

    Vince: It's all over school, Jake... the girl we raped. Do you think she's gonna die?

    Jake: Look, we've been through this, all right? So just calm the fuck down! I mean she's a retard, right? She can't even talk.

    Red: Yeah... and the only way anyone's gonna know is if Vinnie here opens his big fat mouth.

    Fargo: [menacingly] You wouldn't do that... would you Vince?

    Vince: [nervously smiling] Hey Jake... you know I'd never do anything to hurt the Scars!

    Jake: Just forget about it. Now tell me where I can find that bitch who cut me.

  • Jake: Larry hasn't been the same since his wife left him because he's got a small pecker. Truth hurts.

  • Jake: I flew in last week, and they invited me to this party. It's informal, when I realized it's like a Hawaiian shirt party.

    Hashim: Batik. It's called Batik.

    Jake: Batik?

  • Jake: "Bule"?

    Hashim: Literally, "stupid white person". But, it can be a term of endearment.

    Jake: Yeah, right.

  • Hashim: Americans. You are like children. Always think you are "Rambo".

    Jake: You know Rambo? "I always thought the mind was the best defense."

    Hashim: "Weapon"!

    Jake: What?

    Hashim: "I always thought the mind was the best weapon."

    Jake: See? That's why we make a good team.

  • Jake: [to a villain threatening him] You're not that big. Think about it.

  • Jake: You said you wanted a truce. No one benefits from war, 8-ball!

  • Jake: I can't get involved. I gotta keep my nose clean while I still have one.

    Scott Youngblood: Hey! You're an American, aren't you?

    Jake: Yeah, by passport, but I don't wave the flag.

    Scott Youngblood: Yeah? Well, *I* do.

  • Jake: Hey, can I get a club soda?

    Waitress: Sure... wait a minute... I know you! You arrested me one time!

    Jake: (Smiles) Did I? That's a shame...

  • [last lines]

    Jake: More will come you know it... your just like me

    Cooper: I know

    [fires]

  • Franklin Portman: [Sees a bird flying above the boat] Wow! Jake, check it out. That's a peregrine falcon.

    Jake: A peregrine like the headmistress?

    Franklin Portman: Sure... That's probably where Grandpa came up with that whole turning into a bird thing.

    Jake: Maybe - Maybe that's really her!

    [Turns to shout at the bird]

    Jake: Hey, Miss Peregrine! It's me, Jake! I'm Abe Portman's grandson! Please, don't crap on us!

    [Franklin gives him a horrified look]

    Jake: Oh my God, Dad, I'm kidding.

  • Jake: C'mon, you big overgrown goldfish, come to Jake!

  • Jake: [to Michael and his crewmates] If mediocrity were fat, you'd all be whales!

  • Jake: So, um, which way are taking, uh, Suicide Trail through Nightmare Canyon, or the shortcut at Satan's Ridge?

    Bernard: Su-Suicide Trail?

    Jake: Good choice. More snakes, but less quicksand. Then once you cross Bloodworm Creek, you're scot free, that is until, um... Dead Dingo Pass.

    Bernard: [sees that the map has nothing but landscapings] Wa-wa-wait a minute, I don't-I don't see any-any of that-that stuff on the map.

  • McLeach: It's all over, boy. Your bird's dead. Someone shot her. Shot her, right out of the sky. Bang!

    Cody: No!

    McLeach: What do you mean no? You calling me a liar? I heard it on the radio this morning, and she could have been mine if it wasn't for you. Now you better get out of here before I change my mind. G'on, git!

    Bernard: Why is he letting him go?

    Jake: It's gotta be a trick.

    McLeach: Too bad about those eggs, eh, Joanna? They won't survive without their mother. Oh, well. Survival of the fittest, I guess.

    [Cody runs off]

    McLeach: Bingo.

  • [Jake, Bernard and Bianca are digging into McLeach's lair]

    Jake: Has anyone considered trying "Open Sesame"?

    [the door opens, the other two yell in shock and start gripping it as it rises]

    Jake: Hey, it worked!

  • Miss Bianca: Now, now, Cody. We mustn't lose hope. Bernard is still out there.

    Jake: That's right! If anyone can get us out of this scrape it's ol' Berno.

    [aside to Bianca]

    Jake: Nice bluff, Miss B.

    Miss BiancaJake: I wasn't bluffing. You don't know Bernard like I do. He'll never give up.

  • Miss Bianca: Oh, Bernard. You are magnificent. You are absolutely hero of the day.

    Bernard: Miss Bianca, before anything else happens... will you marry me?

    Miss Bianca: Oh, Bernard! Of course I will!

    Jake: Well done, mate.

  • Wilbur: [over radio] Mugwomp Tower! Mugwomp Tower! This is Albatross 1-3 requesting permision to land. Over!

    Jake: Albatross? Let's see.

    [he looks at a chart of various birds]

    Jake: Finch, wren, scrub bird, lorikeet, freckled duck, galah, kookaburra, parrot, cockatoo, albatro...

    [reacts at its size]

    Jake: Alb-Albatross? It-It's a jumbo!

    [turns to microphone]

    Jake: Negative, 1-3! You'll have to turn back! Our runway isn't long enough for a bird your size!

    Wilbur: Not long enough? Look, pal! I can land this thing on a dime!

    Bernard: Uh, Wilbur, if the runway isn't long enough...

    Wilbur: Listen! You can't let these radar jockeys push you around! Just leave it to me, all right?

    Jake: I say it again, mate, our runway is too short!

    Wilbur: And I say it again, "mate", I'm comin' in!

    Jake: Crazy Yank.

  • Jake: Goodbyes are just hellos blowing across the wind until our paths intersect once again.

  • Jake: [Jake drives up in his car] Beep Beep. You going home?

    [he lights a cigarette]

    Kyle: Dickhead friend ripped us off. Tell him to give us our booze back.

    Jake: Simon, give these children their alcoholic beverages back.

    Simon: Catch, boys.

    [Simon throws the beer over the car, it hits the gravel and shatters]

    Jake: I did my part. Listen, tell daddy I'm not gonna be home for dinner cause uh, he's on the rag. 'Kay?

    Kyle: Yeah well, I'm not going home either.

    Jake: Whatever. That's a good idea.

    [Jake puts his fist out for Kyle to fist-bump him, to which Kyle responds]

    Jake: Let's motor.

  • Kyle's Dad: Well, whats your problem?

    Kyle: Guess what? Congratulate me.

    Kyle's Dad: [scoffs] We've talked about that about twenty times didn't we?

    Kyle: Wrong. They didn't accept me. But you didn't know that, did you? You didn't even read it did you?

    Kyle's Dad: Kyle, I just didn't want you to be disappointed.

    Kyle: Oh, Jesus, thank you fucking so much, thank you!

    Kyle's Dad: Hey! You be careful, mister.

    Kyle: You were so sure right, Dad? I almost got in. They want me to take the test again. Guess that never happened to you, huh?

    Kyle's Dad: Kyle?

    [grumbles]

    Jake: Ya know, you're like a professional fucking asshole!

    [Kyle gets on his bike and takes off]

    Kyle's Dad: Kyle? Come back. Kyle?

    Jake: Just keep on going, Kyle!

    Kyle's Dad: While he does that you get roughed up a little bit is that okay?

    Jake: You big man? What you gonna shove me around? Huh, c'mon you think I fucking care?

    Kyle's Dad: Oh, what?

    Jake: [Jake tries to sound like Bruce Lee] C'mon! Lets go!

    [Jake tries to sound like Bruce Lee again]

  • Kyle: [Jake is watching a music video on television and Kyle comes downstairs with an ashtray] Dad, home?

    Jake: [laughs] You smoking, you asshole?

    Kyle: Just started, quitting now.

    Jake: You'd better bury those ashes deeper or dad will find em.

    [Kyle goes to dump the ashtray into the garbage can but finds the pilot acceptance letter in the garbage, he opens the letter and reads it then he goes over and stands in front of the television]

    Jake: What? Move, fag.

    Kyle: What's this? It was in the garbage.

    Jake: Hey, is that your pilot school thing? Hey, don't look at me, I didn't do it.

  • Jake: When you walk these woods you are the predator because that's what survival is all about. Be prepared to ACT, not REACT. If you come upon a hostile, you better be ready to kill him, because that's exactly what he's going to do to you. We're talking about the predator. Doing what it takes to survive. The predator trusts no one. He relies on no one. Out here, it's one to one... hand to hand.

  • Hank: How long are you gonna squat out here?

    Jake: As long as it takes. What's it to you?

    Hank: Well, you guys are looking pretty desperate. We just don't want to have to save your asses, that's all.

    Jake: Save our asses from what?

    Hank: [Looking around] All this.

  • Jake: Tell you what, Mother Nature. You want some fucking reality?

    Hank: Yeah.

    Jake: Yeah. Right now, it's you and me.

    Hank: You know, you're right. It is you and me. Because if you use any of that live ammo on any of my people, it is you and me. I'm gonna come looking for you.

    Jake: [Displaying his knife sheath] You're gonna come looking? Go ahead, take hold of my knife. I'll slit your throat before you even touch the handle.

    Hank: [Tossing away a deer's ear, distracting Jake] You haven't got a clue, have you? With all this armament. Survival in the wilderness is a matter of heart, not hardware. You're not that fargone, are you? There's a lot more going on out here than meets the eye.

    [Hank backs away, then shows Jake's knife in his hand]

    Hank: Bingo!

  • [first lines]

    Jake: Take a good look around you. Because when you come back from this trip, nothing will look the same to you again.

  • Jake: They're not zombies! They're Sons of Z'athax!

  • Girl: [on front of boat] I'm flying, Jake! I'm flying!

    Jake: I'm king of your world, girl.

    Jake: [camera pulls out to reveal Jake is having sex with the girl] Who's your king? Who's your king?

  • Jake: You are never too small.

  • Jake: Burt, what do you want to ride that contraption for?

    Burt Munro: 'S a good question. Errrr... I guess the reward is in the err doing of it, you know?

  • Burt Munro: I thought you blokes would have some magic cure for that sort of thing.

    Jake: Well, we have. One old remedy is ground-up dog balls.

    Burt Munro: Oh god...

    Jake: [wryly] But I prefer prostrate trouble.

  • Beuter: [rapping the last lines] Well, hey, oh hey. This will make your day. Boy, they call me Billy A. I like to chew and a-spit. And throw a ball a little bit. Boy, you better stay out of my way.

    Jake: Enough with that, Jake here. Just a chill dude. I'll sweep you off your feet. No need to be crude. If I sense any question. I'll put you to the test. If it's a crime to be sexy then you're under arrest.

    Beuter: You talkin' to me?

    Jake: No, can't you see?

    Beuter: Well, who you talking to?

    Jake: Uh, dude, not you.

    Beuter: Well, okay, dude, you kinda rude. I ain't really a fan of that attitude.

    Jake: As I was saying before Billy interrupted. We just having good times, baby. Nothing too corrupted. If you need a little insight on who I am. Let me break it down for you right now with my jam. Unlike Finn I don't drop to the knee. 'Cause I got a bigger secret I drop to my feet. I'm the kinda guy that'll meet you after class. Take pride in my pitching. Like Rope and his ass. Now, come over here with those luscious thighs. I'll make you feel loved while Willy's getting high.

    [fade out]

  • Riggan: Just find me an actor. A good actor. Give me Woody Harrelson.

    Jake: He's doing the next Hunger Games.

    Riggan: Michael Fassbender?

    Jake: He's doing the prequel to the X-Men prequel.

    Riggan: How about Jeremy Renner?

    Jake: Who?

    Riggan: Jeremy Renner. He was nominated. He was the Hurt Locker guy.

    Jake: Oh, okay. He's an Avenger.

    Riggan: F - k, they put him in a cape too?

  • Jake: Oh my gosh! How do you know Mike Shiner?

    Lesley: We share a vagina.

  • Jake: Ask me if he sells tickets.

    Riggan: Does he sell tickets?

    Jake: A shitload of tickets! Now ask me if the critics like him?

    Riggan: Do they like him?

    Jake: They want to spooge on him.

    Riggan: [Indicating there's a lady in the room] Hey.

    Jake: Lesley...

    Lesley: Right on his face.

  • Jake: Get that smile off your face, you're freaking me out.

  • Jake: He has a thing for nuns... in diapers.

  • Riggan: That guy is the worst actor I've ever seen in my life. The blood coming out of his ear was the most honest thing he's done so far.

    Jake: It's not that bad.

    [pause]

    Jake: Okay, it was fucking terrible.

  • Jake: [to Riggan] This isn't the 90s anymore.

  • Jake: I want a serious girlfriend. Somebody I can love, that's gonna love me back. Is that psycho?

  • [Caroline is very drunk]

    Caroline: Who's he?

    Jake: That's me.

    Caroline: Who are you?

    Jake: I'm him.

    Caroline: Oh, okay.

  • [ring-ring, no one answers the phone... ]

    Jake: [as he hangs up] Ahh, eat me.

    Howard: Who was it? Well what did they want?

    Dorothy Baker: [shocked] Sex.

  • [last lines]

    Samantha: Thanks for getting my undies back.

    Jake: Thanks for coming over.

    Samantha: Thanks for coming to get me.

    Jake: Happy Birthday, Samantha. Make a wish.

    Samantha: It already came true.

  • [Jake rings doorbell at Samantha's house]

    Long Duk Dong: Okay. I'm comin'.

    [opens closet door]

    Long Duk Dong: Hello? Jeez, this place is so confusing. Okay.

    [opens front door, screams and shuts door]

    Long Duk Dong: Go away! I call F.I.B. I call police! Go away!

    Jake: Open the door.

    Long Duk Dong: No way, Jose!

    Jake: Open the door.

    Long Duk Dong: You beat up my face.

    Jake: You grabbed my nuts.

    Long Duk Dong: [looks through frosted glass on door] Is that you?

    Jake: Yeah, that me.

    Long Duk Dong: [opens door] Oh, I'm so sorry. I thought you my new - new-style American girlfriend.

    Jake: Forget it, man. Just get Samantha, all right?

    Long Duk Dong: She not here.

    Jake: Don't jerk me around, man. Where is she?

    Long Duk Dong: She got married.

    Jake: What?

    Long Duk Dong: She at the church. She getting married to oily bohunk.

    Jake: Married?

    Long Duk Dong: Married.

    Jake: Married?

    Long Duk Dong: Yeah. Married

    [closes door]

    Jake: [turns around, under breath to himself] Married?

    Long Duk Dong: Married! Jeez.

  • Jake: Yes, hello sir, um...

    Howard: Are you the little bugger that's been calling up here all night and then hanging up?

    Jake: Would it be possible for you to tell me if there is a Samantha Baker there and if so, sir, may I converse with her briefly?

    Howard: Yes it is, and NO you may not.

    Jake: Might I leave a message, sir?

    Howard: [to Grandma Baker] He wants to leave a message for Sam.

  • Jake: I'll make a deal with you.

    [holds up the panties]

    Jake: Let me keep these; I'll let you take Caroline home. But you gotta make sure she gets home. You can't leave her in some parking lot somewhere. Okay?

    The Geek: Jake, I'm only a Freshman.

    Jake: So? She's so blitzed she won't know the difference.

    The Geek: Jake, I don't have a car.

    Jake: You can take mine.

    The Geek: Jake, I don't have license.

    Jake: I trust you...

    The Geek: Jake, I'd love to... I can't.

    [holds out a bowl]

    The Geek: Want a pretzel?

    Jake: You sure?

    [takes the bowl and sets it down on the counter]

    The Geek: Positive.

  • Jake: I do independent study with her. I catch her lookin' at me a lot. It's kinda cool, the way she's always lookin' at me.

    Jock: Maybe she's retarded.

    Jake: I'm being serious, okay? She looks at me like she's in love with me.

  • The Geek: [noticing the car Jake puts Caroline in] This, uh, your car, Jake?

    Jake: No, this is my dad's car. You said you couldn't drive a stick.

    The Geek: This is a mother - ! This is a Rolls-Royce, Jake.

    Jake: So?

    The Geek: SO? So? I hear the grill ALONE costs five grand on this. Five grand! Do you have five grand? I don't have five grand!

    Jake: Then don't hit anything.

    The Geek: [incredulous] Ha ha! Don't hit anything.

  • Samantha: [mouths from across the street] Me?

    Jake: Yeah, you.

    [smiles and jogs across the street]

    SamanthaJake: [both in unison] Hi.

    Jake: Hi.

    Samantha: Hi. What are you doing here?

    Jake: I heard you were here.

    Samantha: You came here for me?

    Jake: Is that okay?

    Samantha: [flattered] Yeah, it's okay.

    Jake: Do you have to go to reception now?

    Samantha: I'm supposed to.

    Jake: Can I call you later?

    Samantha: Sure... I mean no.

    Jake: No, I can't call you later?

    Samantha: Yeah... No, I mean, I'm not going to the reception.

    Jake: Oh. Great.

    [walks Samantha to his Porsche]

  • Jake: [taking a look at the party's aftermath at his house] What a disaster.

  • Jake: [Jake is now holding Samantha's panties] These are really hers?

    The Geek: Yeah.

    Jake: How did you get 'em?

    The Geek: She gave 'em to me.

    Jake: Did you...?

    The Geek: No! No, Jake. She's cranked for you. I told her you asked about her, right? The girl freaked. She had a hissy. She thinks you're the cats meow!

    Jake: Really? She came up to me in the gym tonight. She looked at me like I was a leper.

    The Geek: Girls will do that, Jake. You know? You see, they know guys are like in perpetual heat, right? They know they shit, and they enjoy pumping us up. It's pure power politics. I'm telling ya.

    Jake: I thought she hated my guts.

    The Geek: Games, Jake. Silly torturous games. You know how many times I've gone without lunch because some bitch borrows my lunch money? Any halfway decent girl can rob me - blind! Because I'm too torqued up to say no. It's heinous, I'm telling you.

  • Jake: I thought she hated my guts.

  • The Geek: Jake, is your dad a big man, or?

    Jake: About 6'4".

    The Geek: Very nice.

  • Jake: You better not be dickin' me around. It'd be a major downer to try and get together with this girl and find out that she really does think I'm a slime.

    The Geek: Jake, would I dick you? Let me put it to you this way, what happens to me if I dick you?

    Jake: I'll kick your ass.

    The Geek: Right! So why would I lie? But I feel compelled to mention to you, Jake, I mean, if all you want of the girl is a piece of ass, I mean, I'll either do it myself, or get someone bigger than me, to kick your ass. I mean, not many girls in contemporary American society today, would give their underwear to help a geek like me.

    Jake: I can get a piece of ass anytime I want. Shit, I've got Caroline in the bedroom right now, passed out cold. I could violate her ten different ways if I wanted to.

    The Geek: [almost chokes on a pretzel] What are you waiting for?

    Jake: I don't know. She's beautiful, and she's built and all that.

    [sighs]

    Jake: I'm just not interested anymore.

    The Geek: Does that really matter, guy?

    Jake: Yeah, it matters. She's totally insensitive. Look what she did to my house. She doesn't know shit about love. Only thing she cares about is partying. I want a serious girlfriend. Somebody I can love, that's gonna love me back. Is that psycho?

    [Spits]

    The Geek: That's beautiful, Jake. I think a ton of guys feel the same way as you do.

    Jake: Really?

    The Geek: Yeah. It's just they don't... They don't have the balls to admit it. You know? They're just... They're wimps.

  • Caroline: [At the dance, about to go to Jake's house] God, I love it when your parents are out of town. I fantasize that I'm your wife, and we're the richest, most popular adults in town. I owe all my great weekends to you.

    Caroline: [She pauses, upset that Jake isn't excited] What's your problem?

    Jake: What?

    Caroline: You've been acting weird all night. Are you screwing around?

    Jake: Me? Are you crazy?

    Caroline: I don't know, Jake. I'm getting strange signals.

    Jake: Well, they're not comin' from me. Everything's fine. Don't have a cow.

    Caroline: Okay. Just remember one thing. I can name a hundred guys who'd kill to love me.

    Jake: Is that a threat?

    Caroline: It's a fact, Jake.

  • Jake: Malik, can you hold my books for me?

    Malik: Sure, why not? I am the token black guy. I'm just supposed to smile and stay out of the conversation and say things like; "Damn," "Shit," and "That is whack."

  • Catherine: Can I ask you a question? Why is it then whenever I tell a guy to put it wherever they want, they always stick it in my ass?

    Malik: Damn.

    Jake: That's way too much information for me, Catherine.

    Catherine: Oh no Jake. Way too much information would be telling you that whenever they're done I always take a huge dump.

    Malik: Shit.

    Catherine: On their chest.

    Malik: Oh, that is whack.

  • Jake: What about her?

    [indicating hunchback girl walking by]

    Austin: So baby's got a little back. Hunch, that is. Naah, way too easy.

    Jake: OK.

    [indicates hippy albino girl playing guitar]

    Albino Folk Singer: [singing] I have no pigment...

    Austin: Any girl with a guitar is hot.

    Albino Folk Singer: [continues singing] I need sunscreen...

    Austin: Granted, she's a hippy albino. She could still be prom queen.

    Jake: OK, uh, what about the Fratelli sisters?

    [indicates awkward Siamese twins conjoined at the head]

    Austin: So they're slightly disfigured and connected at the head. But combined, those two make up one pretty decent chick.

    Reggie Ray: Yeah, I'd do 'em.

    Austin: I know you would, Reggie Ray. But no, I'm looking for somebody who's really messed up. I'm talking about a real shitbomb.

    [Janie Briggs walks by]

    Austin: Well, bombs away!

    Jake: No, no, no, no, anyone but her! Not... Janie Briggs! Guys, she's got glasses and a ponytail! Aw, look at that, she's got paint on her overalls, what is that? Guys, there's no way she could be prom queen!

    Malik: Damn! That shit's whack!

  • Janey: [talking about her dead mom] I remember it like it was yesterday, Christmas 1989, Dad had just gotten fired from the Zippo factory, Mom was still pulling in tricks to make ends meet, Daniel Day Lewis won an Oscar for "My Left Foot", and all I wanted was one of those little Betsy Wetsy dolls.

    Jake: I remember those. Push her belly and she'd piss all over herself.

    Janey: She said she was going out to get my Dad a bottle of gin, but, I knew she was going to get me that present. It was raining really hard that night, the roads were... slippery.

    Jake: Janey... a car accident.

    Janey: No. Cancer.

  • Ricky Lipman: I am *not* going to let you hurt Janey again. Okay? Besides, I love her.

    Jake: Well, so do I.

    Ricky Lipman: [slight pause] Yes, but I'm the best friend, and I have been in front of her face the whole time, and she just... hasn't really realized it yet, but she will.

    Jake: Well, I'm the reformed cool guy, who's learned the error of his ways. She's gonna forgive me for my mistakes, and realize that I really love her.

    Ricky Lipman: [pause] Dammit, that's true.

  • Jake: [Looking at stick figure drawing] Who's that?

    Janey: It's my mother.

    Jake: You have her eyes.

  • Jake: Hey Janey. What's up?

    Janey: Excuse me?

    Jake: So listen, you ever wondered what it'd be like to be the most popular girl in school?

    Janey: You mean anorexic, superficial, a bitch, a whore who lacks any real long-term goals?

    Jake: Uhhh ha ha... exactly. So, if you're interested, I thought that maybe we could go out sometime, be seen in public together.

    Janey: You haven't spoken to me in, like, four years Jake.

    Jake: Actually, it's more like six, because the time you're referring to when we were standing in line at that movie theater, I was actually saying "hey" to the person right behind you.

  • Flight attendant: OH GOD! Ugh! I can't believe you fell for that crap! That's from 'Pretty In Pink!'

    Janey: Are you sure?

    Flight attendant: Trust me!

    Jake: Excuse me, what are you doing?

    Flight attendant: Let me give you a little piece of advice here, Jake. Why don't you lose the "I'm the cute and sensitive, popular boy with the big side-burns routine. It's just too pathetic! And for once tell Janey what's true in your heart. Stop being such a little bitch! And you Janey! Little miss other-side-of-the-tracks awkward rebel girl with the pseudo-intellectual glasses, why don't you wise-up to Jake's bullshit! Stop being such a dumbass!

  • Catherine: I want you.

    Jake: Catherine that's disgusting! You're my sister.

    Catherine: Only by blood.

    Jake: [Shoving her off] What's wrong with this family?

  • Jake: She's right... maybe you should get on that plane to Paris. Cause if you stay, we really only have the summer, then I go to college and we'll talk on the phone and spend the occasional weekend together which is nice. But chances are one night I'm gonna get wrecked and have unprotected sex with some girl in my dorm. You'll find her thong and call me a slut... I'll call you a cock-tease and we'll break up. So when you really think about it, what's the point?

  • Janey: Jake! How did you get in here? I thought Dad bolted the door.

    Jake: There's a big hole in the side of your house.

  • Janey: I knew it. That's a line from "She's All That". I masturbate to that movie.

    Jake: [to nosy Flight Attendant right behind them] Do you mind?

    Airline Clerk: Not at all, I think masturbation is very healthy.

  • Jake: Where's Janey?

    Austin: Little Ms. Run Home To Her Daddy, ran home to her daddy.

  • [Punches Austin]

    Jake: That's for taking Janie to the prom.

    Priscilla: You put the...

    [Jake punches her]

    Jake: That's for hurting Janie at Preston's party.

    Les: [Filming] This is really turning me on.

    [Jake punches him]

    Jake: That's for... being really weird.

    [Starts to leave, turns and punches Les' floating bag]

    Jake: I don't know what that was for.

  • Jake: How could Priscilla dump me, Jake Wyler? I mean who the hell does she think she is?

    Austin: I got two words for ya, Jake: Prom Queen... material.

    Jake: Austin, she's an illusion. Ok, you take away the make-up, the clothes, the way she wears her hair, the smell of her perfume, that cute little face she makes when she's tonguing my balls. Look she's totally replaceable.

  • Austin: Jake Wyler. So congratulations man, you just blew my perfect season. Senor You-Just-Blew-My-Perfect-Season!

    Jake: What do you want Austin?

    Austin: A life.

    [pause]

    Austin: And payback.

    Jake: C'mon man, don't do this.

    Austin: No, man, I think I'll hang around. Maybe tell Janey a little S-E-C-R-A-T-P...

  • Jake: [after being thrown a pink bra, grinning] Tiffany...

    [throws away the bra]

    Jake: [after being thrown red panties, continues grinning] Melanie...

    [throws away the panties]

    Jake: [after being thrown white boxer-shorts, smile disappears quickly] Hey Arthur...

    [keeps the boxer-shorts]

  • Jake: No, not Janey Briggs. She's got glasses. And a ponytail. Ugh, she's got paint on her overalls. What is that?

  • Janey: You never noticed my glasses and my ponytail.

    Jake: And don't forget the paint-covered overalls.

    Janey: Right... you never noticed those either.

  • The Coach: All right, goddamn it, lets hit the showers goddamn it! Bunch of candy-asses, we're gonna get our asses kicked Friday!

    Jake: Coach what about fourth-string? I didn't even get to practice...

    The Coach: Wyler... after all the goddamn shenanigans you pulled last season, you should be thanking god that your still in goddamn uniform, Goddamn it!

  • Jake: [Sincerely] Thanks, MaIik. You're inteIIigent and insightfuI. You don't get the respect you deserve.

    Malik: [Eagerly] That's great! I've aIways wanted to discuss...

    Jake: [Interrupting] I actually got to go. Sorry.

  • Jake: Man, go away!

    Austin: No, I think I'll stick around, maybe tell Janie a little s-e-c-r-a... p.

  • Lainey: If you want someone to fall for you, you gotta be you.

    Jake: Yeah I don't think I like me enough to introduce him to other people.

  • Jake: I love you for free, Lainey.

    Lainey: I love you for free, Jake.

  • Xander: What the fuck is that?

    Jake: That was repartee.

    Xander: That's exactly why I can't have you at the party, because you have repartee with everybody. You love repartee. All you wanna do is flit around the party, flirt with the moms. And then they all get mad and they turn on each other then they yell at Naomi then Naomi yells at me then they wont let their kids play with my kids. Then I have to play with my kid because my kids have no friends. I'm raising friendless children because of you! Do you understand?

    Jake: I...

    Xander: It is a cascading shit storm that is your creation.

    Jake: That is a tremendous amount of Malcolm Gladwellian logic jumps.

    Xander: Well you spent ten thousand hours fucking my life up, so bring Lainey to the party.

  • Lainey: First of all, you are not the Mark Zuckerberg of vaginas.

    Jake: I don't know who that is

  • Jake: First off, in our initial conversations about exclusivity, I distinctly recall you saying something about "staying casual," yeah?

    Hannah: I only said that...

    Jake: Most likely because you thought that was what I wanted to hear, yes?

    Hannah: Yes.

    Jake: Okay. Well, me taking you at your word doesn't make me an asshole. It does however make you a liar.

  • Lainey: Are you saying I'm crack cocaine?

    Jake: Yeah. Don't sell yourself short. We wouldn't have the west wing without you.

  • Paula: You can go get any woman you want.

    Jake: Really? Well, I still chose you.

    Paula: Why? Because I happened to be in your eye line?

    Jake: Well that... possibly because you're uninterested; most likely because you're stunning and successful.

    Paula: I'm divorced.

    Jake: His loss.

    Paula: I have a kid.

    Jake: I love kids. Kids love me. I basically am a kid.

    Paula: And I don't sleep with my employees.

    Jake: *I quit.*

  • Lainey: *You* have lost your mind.

    Jake: Well, *you* have lost your water. So, I guess we're tied.

  • Jake: I have a nickname! Wow!

    Paula: A *nickname*. That's how bad it is.

    Jake: Is that bad? I... god, I...

    Paula: Or, that's how good it is.

    Jake: Right? Well, see, that's what I'm saying. I... I mean I assumed they would speak about me but I thought I was gonna be more along the lines of like...

    Paula: Stellar Yelp reviews?

  • Jake: [describing April to Billy] She was a fun ride, no doubt about it, but she is a previously owned vehicle and I'm into that new car smell.

    Jessica (Clive): You asshole!

    Jessica (Clive): Whoever left these towels here is an asshole.

  • Jake: [Jake is trying to convince Billy to take someone else to the prom] Maybe this one will put out unlike that cold fish, Jessica.

    Jessica (Clive): YOU GO TO HELL!

    Jessica (Clive): [defeated] Whoever left these showers on, go to hell.

  • Jake: Dude, two words: need new skates.

    Kate: Dude, three words: paper route.

  • Jake: I heard you were dissing my family.

    Cooper: I don't even know your family loser.

    Mike: You do now!

    [Mike knocks Cooper's latte out of his hand]

    Cooper: My latte!

  • Sarah Baker: Does anyone besides me think our "happier and stronger" life, is actually code for "nastier and suckier"?

    Mike: First dad forces us to move

    Jake: Then mom decides to become a career women and like, travel the globe

    Jessica Baker: And now, we have to take orders from Hank, the model/actor!

    Mark: And he hates kids too.

  • Jake: Yeah, without you, we wouldn't be the twelve Bakers anymore. We'd be,

    [looks real serious]

    Jake: eleven.

  • Kate: [referring to Hank] He's not a doorknob.

    Jake: He irons his jeans, Mom.

    Kate: Yeah that's weird.

  • Tom: *All right. Enough is Enough. You're slacking on your chores. You're fighting in school*. Things are out of control. As of this moment, you are all grounded*

    Mike: What's grounded?

    Tom: What's grounded? I'll tell you what ground it is. Except for attending games, you go to school, you come home from school, you do your homework, you do your chores, you go to bed and that's it.

    Sarah Baker: But that

    Tom: Oh yes Sarah, I know that sucks, but that's the way it is!

    Jake: Does this mean we can't go to Dylan's birthday party?

    Tom: That's exactly what it means.

    Kim Baker: But we brought his presents already.

    Tom: *You are going to miss it

    Tom: Kids are quiet

    Tom: Now, go to bed.

  • Jake: Want to play catch with the football I got you?

    Dylan Shenk: My nanny'd have to check with my dad who'd have to check with my mom who'd say it was an inappropriate use of free time.

    Jake: Sounds like a "yes" to me. Go get it Mikey.

  • Jake: Honey, just cuz I talk slow doesn't mean I'm stupid.

  • Jake: [not recognizing Melanie in her sunglasses] Can I help you?

    Melanie Carmichael: Well, for starters, you can get your stubborn ass down here and give me a divorce.

    Jake: You're shittin' me, right?

    Melanie Carmichael: I never fully understood that expression, but no, I am not "shitting" you.

  • Jake: You show up here, after seven years, without so much as a "Hey there, Jake, remember me... your wife!" Or a, "Hi honey, lookin' good. How's the family?"

    Melanie Carmichael: You expect me to tell you look good? What, did they run out of soap at the Piggly Wiggly since I left?

  • Jake: The only reason I ain't signing is cause you've turned into some hoity-toity Yankee bitch, and I'd like nothing better right now than to piss you off.

  • Melanie Carmichael: [of Bryant the dog] Can he swim?

    Jake: Doesn't look like it.

  • Melanie Carmichael: Hi honey! Looking good! How's the family?

    Jake: Cut the shit! Where's my stuff?

    Melanie Carmichael: Now what kind of wife would I be if I didn't pick up after my husband?

    Jake: The kind that don't live here! Now I'm gonna ask you one last time, where is the hide-a-key?

    Melanie Carmichael: I had the sweetest talk with Wade's mama about her tractor.

    Jake: Nice to see you got your accent back.

    Melanie Carmichael: Oh, I stubbled across a few things today.

    Jake: Holy shit, what happened to the stove? Oh and where are them little magnets I had over here huh? What the hell is this? Chick food?

    Melanie Carmichael: Light beer. Less calories. I tried to pick out a new bed but have you been to the Sit and Sleep lately? Yuck. I suppose I'll just have to order something from New York.

    Jake: Whatever blows your dress up darlin'. You go right ahead and spend your money.

    Melanie Carmichael: Oh but darlin', I thought you said we should think of it as our money? Just a guess, but I'm thinking the words "joint checking" are flashing into your head right now?

    Jake: How much did you take?

    Melanie Carmichael: All of it!

    Jake: Son of a bitch!

  • Jake: Nobody finds their soul mate when they're ten. I mean, where's the fun in that, right?

  • Wade: [breaking up Melanie and Jake's kiss in the rain] What the hell are you two tryin' to do... get yourselves killed?

    Melanie Carmichael: What seems to be the trouble, officer?

    Wade: I'm here to bring you in, young lady!

    Jake: What did she do this time?

    Wade: Well, the way I hear it... seems she run out on a perfectly good cake!

  • Jake: [after looking at divorce papers] I better have my lawyer take a look at these. I'm just a simple country boy. There's all kinds of big words in here I can't even pronounce. Hell, you might be takin' me to the cleaners for all I know.

  • Jake: C'mon, I wanna show you something.

    Melanie Carmichael: I can't.

    Jake: Can't? Or won't?

    Melanie Carmichael: Both.

    Jake: The girl I knew used to be fearless.

    Melanie Carmichael: The girl you knew didn't have a life.

    Jake: Guess you better get on with it then.

  • Jake: You can't have roots and wings.

  • Stella: You know for someone whose been holding onto something for so long, you're pretty quick to let it go.

    Jake: I can't control her, any more than I can control the weather.

  • Jake: Anybody think of anything in here that, uh, might bother Bobby Ray?

    Wade: Uh, Clinton's breath.

    Jake: You still the same Bobby Ray from last night?

    Bobby Ray: Last time I checked, yeah.

    Jake: [puts arm on shoulder] Well, then, let me buy you a drink.

    Bobby Ray: Well, you're really not my type, I mean...

    [laughter]

  • Melanie Carmichael: [gets up to leave] Jake, I can't do this.

    Jake: [grabs her arm so she faces him] I know.

    [they kiss]

    Jake: [eventually pulling away] Go home, Mel.

  • Melanie Carmichael: And don't even pretend like you missed me.

    Jake: Oh, I missed you all right, but at this range, my aim is bound to improve.

  • Wade: The law is the law and she has done nothing wrong.

    Jake: I supposed shoplifting steaks from Winn Dixie's okay?

    Melanie Carmichael: Oh, Oh! I took 'em back and you know it!

    Jake: What about that incident of vandalism in the stockyard... totally her!

    Melanie Carmichael: Like I could tip a cow... by myself!

    Jake: Wade, isn't there some outstanding for whoever drove your mama's tractor into the fishing pond?

    Melanie Carmichael: [horrified realizing what he meant] OH!

  • Jake: [seeing Andrew walking up to the Carmichael house where Bobby Ray is currently at] You, uh, you here to see Bobby Ray?

  • Dennis: As you get older, you're gonna realize there are a lot of things that you don't like. Things much worse than this. And when those things happen, you can't just run away.

    Jake: why not?

    Dennis: Because it doesn't solve the problem. The problem's still there. You've got to stick at it, and then figure out a way to solve the problem, even if it's really really hard.

    Jake: Is that what you do, Dad?

    Dennis: [just looking helpless and speechless... ]

    Jake: Dad?

  • Whit: Where you goin, where you going? You gotta be kiddin me, Dennis? You can't be serious! The guy left you at the alter, pregnant!

    Libby: [Puts Whit's wedding ring on the table] Nobody's perfect.

    Whit: Libby, Libby...

    Jake: What a shithead.

  • Whit: Jake, buddy, can I control the bed please?

    Jake: No, but you can watch me control it.

  • Leon: [after Willie has told the story] You really bummed me out. That's a terrible story.

    [to Jake]

    Leon: Yo, nigga, you cryin'?

    Jake: No, I just got allergies and - I'm cool.

    [Leon walks off in disgust]

    Willie Long: Hey, ain't nothin' wrong with a man cryin' every now and again.

    Leon: Listen, man, what was Claude's plan, anyway?

    Willie Long: See, Claude had figured he could steal a couple of bodies from the morgue, right? That way, when he set the infirmary on fire, in all the commotion, him and Ray could just slip right on into them fire engines, see, hide out, wait until the morning, and roll right out with 'em. That way, when they find the two bodies, they'd think it was them!

    Jake: Well, what makes you think that didn't work?

    Willie Long: I never said it didn't work.

    Leon: Wait, you mean to tell me that this is not Ray and Claude in these two boxes?

    [Willie chuckles inscrutably]

    Jake: Well, is it, old man?

    [Willie chortles on and wheels away]

    Leon: Hey, old timer, is it?

  • Jake: [hearing the story told, they hear that Mr. Wilkins was about to offer Ray and Claude pardons] So Ray and Claude get their pardons, right?

    Leon: No, they didn't get their pardons, man! If they got their pardons way back then, we wouldn't be burying them here today, would we?

    Jake: Oh, yeah, that's right.

    Willie Long: What happened is old man Wilkins never come out of the bathroom! Sit right there and died on the shitter!

  • Bobbie Joe: You're holding my hand too tight.

    Jake: Baby, I ain't holding your hand!

  • Bobbie Joe: [pointing to an *empty* room] It's in there...

    Ash: We'll all go in together.

    Jake: Hell no! You're the curious one!

  • [Ash is trapped in the cellar with Henrietta walking towards him]

    Ash: Open the door. There's something down here!

    Annie: Open it. Quickly!

    Jake: It's a trick!

  • Jake: Yesterday was freaky.

  • Jake: You know, it's just... Yesterday was freaky, and I mean, I see your mom... And I like her. I mean, not "like her" like her, but, you know, I mean... Like her as your mom. Listen, do you think we could just rewind this whole thing and start again?

    Anna: [smiles] I'd like that.

  • Jake: You know, I've been thinking about that kiss.

    Anna: [puzzled] Kiss?

    [pulls herself together]

    Anna: Remind me again how I did it.

    Jake: In front of your mom?

    Anna: It's okay. She owes me.

    [They kiss]

  • Jane: AW! It's official! We are having an affair!

    Jake: Why do you need to label everything?

    Jane: Because! THAT'S WHAT THIS IS!

  • Harley: Are you smoking WEED in the guest bathroom?

    Jake: Yes we are, and we'd appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone?

    Harley: Oh no. Of course not. Just add it to the list.

  • Jake: Is it really necessary for you to always say no before you say yes?

  • Jane: Don't you ever eat at your house?

    Jake: Pedro dictates most meals and he has a very... limited palate.

  • Jake: I don't regret giving it another shot.

    Jane: It probably would of worked, if you hadn't been married.

    Jake: I wouldn't of considered it, if I wasn't!

    Jane: I don't regret it either.

  • Jake: I'm sorry.

    Jane: How far back does that 'sorry' go?

    Jake: How far back do you need it to go?

    Jane: Wa-ay back.

  • Jake: And what's with the "big guy"? Is it because I'm fat?

  • Jake: And I like that you stopped getting bikini waxes. You've gone native. I was into it!

  • Jake: Home Sweet Home.

  • Jake: [Discussing Jane's lack of a bikini wax] You've gone native. I dig it.

  • Jake: [finding some panties lying around] Aren't these uncomfortable?

    Richard: [snatching them] That's why girls love it when you take them off. Let's get some pancakes.

  • [last lines]

    Jake: So how long are you staying?

    Richard: [kneels down to him] Okay, Jakey, listen to me here. I have to sort out a few things first. But... maybe marrying your aunt might help.

    Olivia: What?

    Richard: Well, I *am* down on one knee.

    Olivia: Then get up and kiss me again!

  • Jake: I might come and see you lads in the week. I might fetch you up a rabbit.

    Withnail: We don't want a rabbit, we want a pheasant.

    Jake: Listen, you young prat. I ain't got no pheasants, ain't got no birds. No more than you have.

    Withnail: Course you have, you're the poacher.

    Jake: [pointing an eel at him] If I hear more words out of you, I'll put one of these here black pods on you.

    Withnail: Don't threaten me with a dead fish!

    Jake: Half dead he may be, but I'll come up after you, and I'll wake you up with a live one.

    Withnail: Sod your pheasants! You'll have to find us first.

    Jake: I know where you are, you're at Crow Crag. I've been watching you, especially you, prancing like a tit. You want working on, boy.

  • Jake: Now, look, you. Them pheasants are for his pot. These eels are for my pot. Now, what makes you think I should give you something for your pot?

    Withnail: What pot?

    Marwood: Our cooking pot.

    Jake: Ah, he knows. Hey, give us a wheeze on that fag.

    [he pulls Withnail's cigarette out of his mouth and puts it in his]

  • Jake: [4-year-old referring to his pacifier] I want my pootie!

  • Jake: You know, but I think your heart grows back bigger. You know? Once you get the shit beat out of you. And, um, the universe lets your heart expand that way, and I think that's the function of all this pain and heartache that you go through and you gotta go through that to come out to a better place and that's how I see it, anyway.

  • Jake: It's a long story, something about the violation of expectations and a crushing loss of faith, and love, and life, and art.

    Bill: So it's a girl?

    Jake: Yes.

    Bill: I've had a little bit of girl trouble myself lately. But it is better to have loved and lost, am I right?

    Jake: She was a unique constellation of attributes; she was my Halley's comet. But the universe is designed to break your heart, right?

    Bill: A philosopher as well as an artist, yes, it is we who suffer most.

    Jake: Yes, with the possible exception of the victims of violent crime

  • Jake: That's what it was like when I met Sarah. Anyway that's what I

    Sarah: I made you nauseous?

    Jake: In a good way - I was lovesick.

    Sarah: [laughing] That was good, honey.

    title cards: [in front of two dogs who played Mother Teresa] No animals were harmed during the filming of this movie.

    title cards: Though we were petted within an inch of our lives.

  • Jake: She did not see my A game!

    Charlie: Sounds like she didn't see your B or C game either.

  • [Jake and Sarah are trying to buy some condoms because neither of them had any; Jake returns from a store to the car]

    Jake: They're out!

    Sarah: How can they be out?

    Jake: I have a theory about this. Everyone in the city is having sex at the exact same time... except for us. But we will press on.

  • Carol: Hello! Don't worry, it's just me. I'm in the kitchen. I filled your freezer again. There's now enough meat to feed every guy who answered your ad and still...

    [Walks in from the kitchen and sees Jake]

    Carol: Whoa.

    Sarah: Jake Anderson, my sister Carol. Jake did, in fact, answer the ad.

    Jake: Do I get my meat?

    [Carol tosses him the meat]

  • Jake: [Driving in search of condoms] So this pre-school of yours, it's what? Traditional, developmental, Montessori?

    Sarah: Yeah, yeah, all that. Drugstore!

  • Jake: Oh Charlie, you should've seen this girl; she's shy, she's fragile, she's self conscious, she has no idea how beautiful she is... she's a M-E-S-S-S... it's FAN-TAS-TIC!

  • Jake: I don't want you to worry about your brother. After all there is only one alpha-male. And I really think we should put the poor kid outta his misery, don't you?

  • Jake: [walking Ellie through her transformation] It's okay, Ellie, it's okay. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

  • Jake: The only way you can break the curse is by killing the one who started it all and that's me. I'm not ready to die just yet.

  • Ellie: You're a monster!

    Jake: Join the club.

  • Jake: Where is that brother of yours anyway? Now where could he be...in the basement? These heightened senses are a kick huh?

  • Jake: Zoe, I messed up, okay? People mess up. You mess up. Remember that time your Barbies tried my soldiers for crimes against humanity, and then had them all decapitated?

  • Cole: See, cattle from small grass farms are essentially solar powered. They spread the seed, then they fertilize it with their manure, so it's a closed system as nature intended.

    Zoe: Okay, but you're still killing a helpless animal.

    Cole: Okay, first of all, I don't actually kill the cows, they typically come per-slaughtered.

    Zoe: That's right, you merely dismember them.

    Cole: A second of all, have you seen a cow? I mean, I'm pretty sure I'd lose in hand-to-hand combat.

    Jake: [interrupting] Hand-to-hoof.

  • Grace: [driving for a hug] Oh, oh, I suppose my little chicks are getting ready yo fly the coop.

    Jake: I thought we were peacocks.

  • Blanca: Do you always bring your pregnant sister on dates?

    Jake: Just when I want to guarantee I won't get laid.

  • Jake: I'm Jake.

    Blanca: Blanca.

    Jake: Blanca? But you're not white.

  • Jake: My sister's pregnant so I'm like staying at her place, kinda helping her out a little bit. Getting my ducks in a row.

    Paul: She came in here a couple weeks ago to buy a bra. It was the best.

    Jake: Alright cool, man. This is weird.

  • Jake: You can't get mad at people for napping.

    Danny: Dude, we get mad at anybody who gets any sleep.

  • Blanca: You know what, I love your eye shadow.

    Justine: Thanks!

    Blanca: It's gorgeous.

    Justine: Oh, thank you. I love your hair. It's incredible.

    Blanca: Oh my god, thank you! I love your highlights.

    Justine: I did these myself!

    Blanca: Really?

    Justine: Yeah, L'Oréal.

    Jake: This coat's from Old Navy.

  • Danny: [Jake's ringtone goes off] What is that? Is that that song from The Shining?

    Jake: Yeah, this guy wants to kill me.

    Danny: I love that song.

  • Jake: You can basically take the last three years of my life and light them on fire.

  • Justine: I'm such an asshole.

    Jake: You're not an asshole. I mean you're an asshole, but not because of that.

  • Jake: Is it possible that the girl could have a penis?

    Doctor: It's happened before.

  • Justine: [talking about their childhood] Why were we always trying to sell things that people didn't wanna buy?

    Jake: Fuck! I'm still doing that.

  • [Jason is coaching Jake how to shoot better]

    Jake: How come nobody ever heard of you? I mean, a man that can shoot like you do and draw as fast as you can... how come you ain't got a reputation?

    Jason McCullough: What would I want with a reputation? That's a good way to get yourself killed.

  • [last lines]

    Jake: Now the way this story ends... is that they get married and he goes on to become governor of the state. Never gets to Australia, but he keeps readin' a lot of books about it. I get to be sheriff of this town... and then I go on to become one of the most beloved characters in Western folklore.

  • Jason McCullough: It seems like you spent a lot of time with horses.

    Jake: One end or the other. Of course, I come about it natural. My daddy stole horses for a living. They hung him.

  • Jason McCullough: How's Joe?

    Jake: Oh, he figures he's going to be out of here and we're going to be dead about this time tomorrow.

    Jason McCullough: Did he seem to feel any sorrow over the fact that we might all be killed?

    Jake: No, it's more like he planned to dance and spit all over our graves.

    Jason McCullough: Sounds like Joe.

  • Jake: You want me to tell Joe Danby that he's under arrest for murder? What're you gonna do after he kills me?

    Jason McCullough: Then I'll arrest him for both murders.

  • Jake: Well, I did odd jobs... for one thing, I was a Orr holder at Madame Horse's, uh, horse holder at Madame Orr's House.

  • Jason McCullough: Well, do you see anything?

    Jake: No. What are we lookin' for?

    Jason McCullough: What are we lookin' for? We're lookin' for nuggets, a vein, the mother lode!

    Jake: What's the mother lode?

    Jason McCullough: I'm beginning to get the horrible feelin' you know even less about gold mining than I do, Jake.

    Jake: Course I don't know anything about gold mining!

    Jason McCullough: Well, what do you think I brought you along for? I thought everyone around here knew about mining.

    Jake: Well I don't! I might be able to give you a few tips about shoveling horse... working around the stable, but I don't know nothing about huntin' gold.

  • [after Pa Danby leaves the sheriff's office]

    Jason McCullough: You know... he strikes me as bein' a lonely man.

    Jake: Lonely? Danby? Why he's a mean, no-good, lowdown bushwhacker!

    Jason McCullough: Well, there you see? No wonder he's lonely.

  • Jason McCullough: Jake, how would you like the job as my deputy?

    Jake: I'd hate it! Even if I lived through it, I'd hate it!

  • Jake: Ah don't let him see you drinking!

    Suzette: I've been drinking rum and coke since before he was born, he can go fuck himself.

  • Eddie (Chef #2): Jake's specialty du jour - eggs erroneous. It's made with powdered eggs and herbs and spices smuggled into this country by Tibetan monks.

    Jake: Ernest, l want you to cut yourself a big knock out of these eggs erroneous.

    Ernest P. Worrell: No, l-l can't eat on an empty stomach .

    Jake: Why, of course you can. Eddie does, and look at that rosy glow to his teeth.

  • Jake: [Jake is trying to get Ernest to eat his food] Eddie? It's time for the plane to go to hangar!

  • Jake: Touch my bass, Rebecca!

  • Pete: Jake, What happened?

    Jake: My widgie. Owww, I bent my widgie.

    Avery: What are we going to do now Pete? Our boy can't surf in this condition.

  • Jake: Do you play an instrument?

    Nick Martinelli: Yeah, I can sorta play a couple of chords on this organ I have at home. Hey, I'll tell you what, why don't you come to my house and teach me a new song?

    Jake: Go to your house, huh? I suppose that's so you can show me your organ, right?

    Nick Martinelli: Why do you think I'm conning you? I tell you I really do have this big organ!

  • Jake: All right, we'll go to your place and you can show me your organ. But I'm warning you, it'd best be having music coming out of it.

  • Jake: Freddie, there are two kinds of people in this world, and you ain't one of 'em!

  • Jake: What's it gonna take to buy out my contract? What?

    Freddie Ugo, Rhinestone Owner: [stares at her and stammers] Wa-wa-wa-wa.

    Jake: Don't say a night in the sack!

    Freddie Ugo, Rhinestone Owner: I'd never say anything like that! What's the matter with you? How about thirty minutes?

  • Jake: Freddie, there are two kinds of people in this world. And you ain't one of 'em!

  • Jake: I gotta get home to the fucking loved ones.

  • Jake: [greeting his friends at the airport] Céad míle fáilte, you Yankee junkie motherfuckers!

  • Jake: He was busting my chops about how my paintings were subversive. C'mon! My wife's ass is a subversive painting?

  • Carl: Your mom's having a tough time.

    Jake: Maybe that's because you wrestle her every night.

  • Evan: Pick the lock! I thought you knew Karate?

    Jake: What do I know about picking a lock!? I got a yellow belt at the YMCA like 12 years ago!

  • Jake: Just don't end up like Fossil..... with a dick in your mouth.

  • Jake: I know your true passion theory about two people destined to be together, but we can't all be filled with that much faith, trust and emotion. It just means if you have someone you're not alone. You're not going to find that in some fairy tale romance. Sometimes you have to sit through low times where you don't necessarily feel overwhelmingly, totally in love all the time.

  • Jake: [after meeting with the Three Wise Men] How much money was in that bag?

    Alonzo: 40 G's.

    Jake: What was that for?

    Alonzo: You really wanna know?

    Jake: Yeah. I asked, didn't I?

    Alonzo: Nothing's free in this world, Jake. Not even arrest warrants.

    Jake: Shit, I didn't wanna know.

  • Alonzo Harris: [after killing Roger] Use your ears and hear me, Jake. Sometimes we gotta take this shit all the way. Now, nobody will ever ask you to pull the trigger if you don't want to.

    Alonzo Harris: [to Mark] Mark, where are you transferring to?

    Mark: S.I.S.

    Alonzo Harris: S.I.S. Detective. Give me 18 months, I'll give you a career. We're an elite unit. We make the big seizures. We make the big arrests. But if you're in my unit, you gotta be in it all the way or not at all. I thought that you was man enough to face that. I guess I was wrong. Five proven, decorated officers say that you're the shooter. The investigators are gonna want to pull a tube of your blood to check for intoxicants, and what are they gonna find, Jake? Do the math. You've been smoking PCP all day, haven't you?

    Jake: You've been planning this all day?

    Alonzo Harris: I've been planning this all week, son. You talk that crazy shit, I'll make sure that blood gets to the lab. You wanna walk your baby nuts around the block, you won't make it to the corner, but if you're cool, if you're cool... then you're a hero. You're a virgin shooter above suspicion.

  • Paul: [in Roger's home] Alonzo, there's two shots left in that other stinger. We need to just kill your boy right now and say Roger got him coming through the door.

    Alonzo: We ain't killing nobody. This guy's got the magic eye. I can feel it. Just had a little freak-out, that's all. Now I say he's cool, and nobody's gonna hurt him. But you do have a decision to make, because in about 10 seconds, this whole place is gonna be overrun with blue suits.

    [sirens approaching]

    Alonzo: So just walk outside and clear your head, or just shoot me.

    Jake: [on the way out] Hey, Paul.

    [punches Paul]

    Paul: [Mark holds him back] You're dead, motherfucker! You hear me?

    [shouts]

    Paul: You're fuckin' dead!

  • Alonzo: [while driving in his Monte Carlo] Why do you wanna be a narc?

    Jake: I want to protect the streets by ridding it of dangerous drugs.

    Alonzo: Yeah, but why do you wanna be a narc?

    Jake: I wanna make detective.

    Alonzo: There you go. You stick around with me, you'll make it. Unlearn that bullshit they teach you at the Academy. That shit'll get you killed out here.

    Jake: I'll do anything you want me to do.

    Alonzo: My nigga. Roll that window down first.

    [Jake rolls down window]

    Alonzo: You gotta see the streets. You gotta feel it. You gotta smell it, you gotta taste the streets. How's your Espanol?

    Jake: Uh, más o menos.

    Alonzo: Learn that shit, brother. That shit'll get you killed. These motherfuckers out there be plotting all types of shit on you.

  • Jake: [observing drug dealers from Alonzo's Monte Carlo] What's here?

    Alonzo: Transactions. You see that Salvatrucha zero head sitting on that fence acting like he's not slanging dope? That's my boy. My boy, Neto. The punk's only 17, but he can kill with the best. He's one of mine. He works for me.

    Jake: Jesus, he's an informer?

    Alonzo: Teammate. I got eyes everywhere. He gets to peddle a little reefer, gets money to take care of the family. He lets me know when big things are going on. Big transactions.

    [whispering]

    Alonzo: Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Look at that. Sexy ain't it?

    Jake: And you trust him?

    Alonzo: Damn right I trust him. I sprung his mom from INS detention. Watch this.

    [drug deal being made]

    Alonzo: You see that hand-to-hand?

    Jake: Yeah, I saw it.

    Alonzo: When was the last time you did a felony stop?

    Jake: Two weeks ago.

    Alonzo: Good. You need practice.

    Jake: They look like a bunch of college kids.

    Alonzo: They'll get their education today. I want the Brady Bunch grabbing glass. I take the front, you take the back.

    [Jake picks up radio to call in]

    Alonzo: Stay off of the Rover. Let's go.

  • Alonzo: [after forcefully pressing a pen down Blue's throat causing him to vomit the narcotics he was hiding in his stomach] What's that?

    Blue: Motherfucking crack, man.

    Alonzo: That's right, Jimmy Crack Corn. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. Oh, you're federally fucked now. You got crack... and a gun. You know with your record you can get 10 years per bullet? Now you gon' gimme a name.

    [removes bullet]

    Alonzo: That's 10 right there.

    Blue: Come on, man. You know I ain't no snitch, man.

    Alonzo: I know you ain't no snitch. Gimme a name.

    [removes bullet]

    Alonzo: That's 20.

    Blue: Fuck!

    Alonzo: Gimme a name.

    [removes bullet]

    Alonzo: That's 30 years. You wanna go to jail or you wanna go home?

    [removes bullet]

    Blue: He in the county!

    Alonzo: Who?

    Blue: Nigga named Sandman. That's all the fuck I know,man! Shit!

    Alonzo: See how easy that was?

    [removes bullet]

    Blue: I'm sick of this shit, man.

    Alonzo: You wanna collect the evidence?

    Jake: Fuck that.

    Alonzo: My nigga.

  • Alonzo: [on the phone talking to Smiley] Make sure that bathtub is clean, homey.

    [Jake gets in car]

    Alonzo: It behoves you not to dick around on this one. Justifiable homicide in the line of duty? What happened was...

    Jake: What happened was murder... and armed robbery. Wait, we had badges, so it's different?

    Alonzo: Open your eyes, son. Can't you see?

    Jake: That man was your friend, and you killed him like a fly.

    Alonzo: Why is he my friend, because he knows my first name? Roger sold dope to kids. The world is a better place without him. This man was the biggest major violator in Los Angeles. This is the game. I'm playing his ass. That's my job. That's your job. I watched that cocksucker operate with impunity for over 10 years, and now I got him. The shit's chess, it ain't checkers. What, we all of a sudden gonna roll up in a black-and-white? Come on, man, take the money.

    Jake: I told you, I'm not gonna take that money.

    Alonzo: All right, burn it, barbecue it, fish-fry it, I don't give a fuck. But the boys'll feel better about it.

    Jake: Fuck their feelings.

    Alonzo: You're not making them feel like you're part of the team.

    Jake: The team? You guys are fuckin' insane. All right, I'll go back to the Valley. I'll cut parking tickets. Why does it have to be this way?

    Alonzo: I'm sorry I exposed you to it, but it is. It's ugly, but it's necessary... Sometimes you gotta have a little dirt on you for anybody to trust you.

  • Alonzo: [while meeting on the roof of a parking garage] What's happening? You got the picks and shovels?

    Mark: You gonna dig a ditch?

    Alonzo: Nope. You are. That's a nice suit.

    [to Paul]

    Alonzo: What's going on, killer?

    Paul: I can't call it. Been hearing some shit out here on these streets. You all right?

    Alonzo: Yeah. I talked to the three wise men today. Everything's all good.

    Paul: Shit, you say we can get away with it, I'm with you on that.

    [points to Jake]

    Paul: Who the fuck is this?

    Jake: Jake Hoyt. I'm from Valley Patrol. It's my first day.

    Paul: You a long way from Starbucks homey.

    [to Alonzo]

    Paul: Yo, why the fuck is he in on this?

    Alonzo: Gotta get his cherry popped sometime.

    Paul: [to Jake] Yo, stay the fuck outta my way. Just for the big dogs, you feel me?

    Alonzo: All right. Here's the warrant signed and sealed by the judge, thanks to the Sandman. Alright, now listen up; Safety is first. He gives us shit - Boom! We're giving him lead. Let's do this right so we can all go home and do the wife or the girlfriend thing, alright? Let's suit up, ladies. Time to punch in.

  • [first lines, after he shuts off the alarm clock]

    Jake: It's time.

  • Jake: [Telling Alonzo a story in a coffee shop] There was a DUI stop.

    Alonzo Harris: A DUI stop, let me load up my guns a DUI stop, OH SHIT!

    Jake: Listen man, its a good one, we were on watch.

    Alonzo Harris: We?

    Jake: Me and Debbie, my training officer

    Alonzo Harris: [Intrigued] You have a female training officer? What was she? Black or White?

    Jake: She was white

    Alonzo Harris: Liquor License?

    Jake: A what?

    Alonzo Harris: "A Liquor License", was she a dyke? A lesbian?

    Jake: I don't know.

    Alonzo Harris: Was she good looking?

    Jake: Yeah, pretty good.

  • Jake: [Driving away from Sandman's house after the shooting] God damn it that was not cool opening fire in the middle of a neighborhood where was the Sandman? What the hell were you doing back there?

    Alonzo Harris: I was checking for narcotic activity drugs, guns, and baggies

    Jake: Cash

    Alonzo Harris: Speak on it

    Jake: She's screaming about money

    Alonzo Harris: She's just talking shit, she's talking about us getting killed

    Jake: I'm going to be on the six o'clock news in an orange suit in hand cuffs because of you with the scandals and what not it is open season on misconduct they will nail us to the wall

    Alonzo Harris: Listen, you're in a privileged position to learn a thing or two keep your mouth shut and your eyes open you say you're serious about doing some real police this is the place to learn but if this kind of shit shakes you up maybe you should go back to your division you have to decide if you're a wolf or a sheep

    [Alonzo shows Jake his tattoo, after pulling over on the side of the highway]

    Alonzo Harris: Get your ink

  • Jake: [Jake kick opens the bedroom door and finds Alonzo packing money into a bag and Sara lies naked on the bed] Take the money and put it inside that bag and take your weapons and put it inside that pillow case

    Alonzo Harris: [Clapping with the packs of cash] Congratulations son, you passed the test you're a narc put the gun down before you give my girl a heart attack

    Jake: I said put the money inside that bag and take your weapons and put it inside that pillow case, fuck your appointment with the Russians you're not going to make it

    Alonzo Harris: [while he puts his guns inside the pillow case Sara gave him] so you're going to hook me and book me? You're the one that was smoking the dust, you're the one who ran out like a maniac and you're the one who shot Roger

    Jake: How about the gun in your ankle?

    Alonzo Harris: You want the one in my back pocket?

    Jake: Yeah I would

    Alonzo Harris: You got one problem though, you got no witnesses, who are your fucking witnesses? Roger? Smiley? You think my troops are going to help you? What can you prove? Where's your evidence?

    Jake: [points to the bag filled with money as Alonzo flicks a cigarette into Jake's face] It's right there

  • Jake: [Telling Alonzo a story in a coffee shop] It was a quiet night we were rolling on Van Nuys I'm driving this Acura comes out a side street all over the median in excess I light it up hit the whaler guy drives on like I'm invisible for ten blocks before he pulls over plates were unclean so I'm watching from our unit and she's tossing the Acura she calls me over to the vehicle a snub 38 two shotguns fully loaded so she calls our supervisor and I keep searching and I find five hundred grams of meth turns out this DUI is on bail for distribution and is on his way to smoke his ex-partner before trial so we prevented a murder.

  • Jake: [shooting people at the playground, everybody starts running] Yeah, go ahead run motherfuckers, *run*! You punk pussy-ass motherfuckers. That's right, go tell somebody you saw something, I'll come back for all you monkey motherfuckers! You pussy-ass punks!

  • Jake: [to Red, about some guy who owes him 50 dollars] I'ma grease that motherfucker like Sunday bacon, you hear me motherfucker? I'ma go drop that motherfucker! I'ma *drop* him, man! I'ma go *drop* him!

  • Jake: Kermit ain't showed up yet.

    Red: Yo man, let me tell you, that nigger set his watch for yesterday, the motherfucker still gonna be late.

  • [first lines]

    Jake: So I'm dead. And I think it's because of this redhead.

  • Jake: Even though I'm running the show for you, I'm running the show. So we're going to put an end to the Scooter, Junior, Skippy, Sport, Tiger, Booster bullshit. All right? My name is Jake.

    King: [to Lily] What's your name, hon?

    Jake: It's Lily.

    King: Booster! Have I ever called you "hon"?

  • King: [describing how he got shot in a white suit] We're checking our fingers and toes and we discover I got shot. I was the only one who got shot. You know why? White suit. I was the first one they saw, I was the first one they shot at, I was the first one they hit. You what I learned that day?

    Jake: Not to wear white after Labor Day maybe?

  • Jake: Lying, cheating, manipulating... it all came very naturally to me

  • Jake: How about you getting the A.D.D, under control. You look at me when I'm talking to you.

  • Jake: Now you're an accomplice to murder. Everything you thought you had control of has gone out the window or is currently dripping down your leg.

  • Jake: Jake

    [V.O]

    Jake: So, I'm dead...

  • Jake: Look, there's no "whatever"s with this one. You're either with me or against me. There's no third position.

  • Jake: [V.O] If you've got nothing, you've got nothing to lose. And when it comes to money, whether it's finding it or losing it, you just got to remember how much of it is just luck...

    Jake: [Remembering the beautiful woman, Lily, who he saw for the first time that night when she bumped into him. He realizes she stole his wallet, and smiles] Just dumb fucking luck.

  • Jake: I am the real thing. You can't do anything for me.

  • Helene: Not so fast, my skirt's too tight!

    Jake: Oh, I told you you didn't know how to dress for a murder.

  • Jake: Dad, are you sure you can't come to the beach with us?

    Evan Webber: I would love nothing more, sport, but if daddy doesn't work this weekend we'll have to live in a box. Do you guys want to live in a box?

  • Jake: Woman, I have killed fifteen men.

  • [discussing rumors of their engagement]

    Sue Lee Shelley: So do you wanna marry me?

    Jake: No, not too bad.

    Sue Lee Shelley: Good. That's good news, 'cause I wouldn't marry you for a wagonload full of gold.

  • Pitt Mackeson: Why you little Dutch son of a bitch. You do what I tell you or I'll kill you.

    Jake: [pulls his gun a few inches from Pitt's face] And when do you figure to do this mean thing to me Mackeson? Is this very moment convenient for you? It is for me.

  • Jake: Well I believe that man would marry stone to stone if there was a chicken at the end.

  • [Jake Roedel contemplating the Lawrence raid]

    Jake: It's just bad luck citizens finding out just how bad luck can be.

  • Jake: I say what is the good side to this amputation and there is one.

    Jack Bull Chiles: Name it, Jake.

    Jake: Well, you say one day some Federals catch up to me in a thicket. They would riddle me and hang me and no Southern man would find me for weeks or months and when they did I'd be bad meat pretty well rotted to a glob.

    Jack Bull Chiles: That's scientifically accurate, I'm afraid. I've seen it.

    Jake: I'd be a mysterious gob of rot. And people would say, "Who was that?" Then surely someone would look up and say, "Why it's nubbin fingered Jake Roedel." Then you could go and tell my father that I was clearly murdered and he wouldn't be tortured by uncertain wonders.

    Jack Bull Chiles: And that's the good of it?

    Jake: Yes sir, that's the good.

  • Southern Gentleman: That's Pitt Mackeson, ain't it? I here he'd soon as kill a man as mash a tick.

    Jake: My, what a scary fellow he is.

  • George Clyde: Rodel... You want my bacon?

    Jake: Yes, I could eat it.

    George Clyde: Well, I'll shit it out by the oak tree in the morning, you just go and help yourself.

  • Evans: [finishing his haircut] There ya are, Dutchy, you're 21 again.

    Jake: I'm just now 19, Nort.

    Evans: Is that so.

  • Jake: I thought you said you wouldn't want me for a wagon full of gold, cuz I'm a nubbin-fingered runt of a Dutchman. I remember you saying that.

    Sue Lee Shelly: Well, I guess I lied.

    Jake: Are you lying again now?

    Sue Lee Shelly: No. I wouldn't lie to you, Jake.

    Jake: You just told me you lied to me before...

    Sue Lee Shelly: Well that's different, that was romance.

    Jake: Now is what?

    Sue Lee Shelly: The truth. This here now is the truth.

  • Jake: [Sue Lee and Jack Bull are making out in Jack Bull's bed] Oh for crying out loud, We're sitting right here show us some mercy!

  • [Camping out, Jack Bull Chiles and Jake Roedel discuss Jake's finger, which was shot off in a skirmish]

    Jack Bull: My father's under the dirt to stay. Like that's gone to stay, too.

    Jake: My finger?

    Jack Bull: Mmm-hmm.

    Jake: Well, so it is. And it makes me notable by the loss.

    Jack Bull: You sound pleased... as if that finger'd been pesterin' you for rings.

    Jake: No. It was a fine finger and I'd rather have it still, but... it was took from me and it's been et by chickens for sure. And I say, what is the good side to this amputation? And there is one.

  • Pitt Mackeson: Read us this letter, Dutchie.

    Jake: That's somebody else's letter.

    Pitt Mackeson: Was. I wanna hear you read it.

    Jake: I don't think I'd care too.

    Pitt Mackeson: Oh is that so? Well I think that if you think a little bit more, Dutchie, you'll think you do wanna read it me. Right now, too.

  • Jake: Where you headed?

    Pitt Mackeson: Newport.

    Jake: Hell man, there's two hundred Federals in Newport! We just rode through 'em. You can't go on in there!

    Pitt Mackeson: Wrong, Dutchie. I am going in there. I'm for certain sure going in there. I want a drink, and they have drinks in Newport.

    Jake: They'll kill you, you best stay clear out of there.

    Pitt Mackeson: I don't think so Dutchie. I don't reckon I'll clear out of where I was born. You see that there was my hometown, and I reckon I'll go on in and have me a drink there.

    Jake: Turner, you too? They'll kill you sure.

    Pitt Mackeson: What a horrible fate! Oh what a horrible fate! Oh boy you got me now Dutchie, oh boy you got me now.

  • Jake: I've been thinking, Jack Bull, a wedding is a peculiar thing.

    Jack Bull Chiles: No more peculiar, Jake, than slavery.

  • Jake: One mother's very much like another.

    Pitt Mackeson: Remember one thing, her boys will kill you if they can.

  • Jake: [to a love-struck Jack Bull] There happens to be a war going on everywhere but between your two ears, you dumb ox.

  • Sue Lee Shelly: [breast feeding] You always gonna stare like that?

    Jake: Long as I can.

  • [last lines]

    Jake: [farewell] Daniel Holt...

    Daniel Holt: Jacob Rodel...

    Daniel Holt: [big wave and rides off]

  • Jake: It ain't right, and it ain't wrong. It just is.

  • Jake: He's a deadbeat, he's a loser and he's a bullshitter!

  • Jake: 11-year-olds into heavy metal!

  • Jake: He's an asshole trying to make us think he's okay, ok?

    Brian: Maybe he is okay. Maybe YOU'RE the asshole.

  • Jake: Why do you get in so many fights?

    Brian: Cuz I always win. It's like being the fastest gun.

    Jake: Then lose once.

  • Jake: Next time you come in my room, knock.

    Sam: Next time you pass judgement on me, don't go whining to your mother like some chicken-shit wimp. Have the balls to come say it to my face.

  • Wendy: Kids are cynical these days. It's hip.

    Jake: It's not.

    Sam: Why don't you tell us whats hip Jake?

    Jake: Nothings hip.

    Sam: Nothings hip? You mean nothing matters anymore, thats hip? Nothingness is hip?

    Jake: Hip isn't HIP anymore.

  • Jake: You're one tough little guy, aren't you?

    Brian: Tough enough.

  • Jake: Did you spit in this?

    Brian: No, I forgot.

  • Jake: I have no place - anywhere. And I don't know what happens to people who have no place. Do you?

  • Jake: [on his mistress Mamie] Uh... she used to work in my shop. She's looking for a job, that's all.

    Gitl: The way she looked, I thought she was nobility.

    Jake: Gitl, stop being a greenhorn. In America, anyone can dress like that!

  • Jake: Gitl, you are in America now. In America they don't wear wigs.

    Gitl: No, I have a kerchief.

    Jake: They don't wear kerchiefs either!

    Gitl: Yankel, I can't go around in my own hair. I'm a married woman.

    Jake: Alright, put on the kerchief.

  • Barbara: Look at all the things he did to us. We need to give him a taste of his own medicine.

    Barbara: What are you a lemming?

    Jake: No!

    Ryan: Then prove it!

    Barbara: I'll even give you a head start.

  • [Helen talks to the young kid Jake about Candyman]

    Helen Lyle: You know, it's okay to talk to me, Jake... because I'm not a cop so nobody's going to get in trouble.

    Jake: I can't say nothing or Candyman will get me.

    Helen Lyle: Candyman, huh? You scared of him?

    Jake: I ain't scared of nobody but you're crazy walking in here on your own. It ain't safe around here.

    Helen Lyle: Yeah, I know. But I don't scare too easy either, Jake.

  • [Helen tries to tell Jake that Candyman isn't real]

    Jake: [Jake whispers] Candyman will get me.

    Helen Lyle: Candyman isn't real. He's just a story. You know, like Dracula. Or... Or Frankenstein. A bad man took his name so that he could scare us. But now that's he's locked up everything's going to be okay.

  • Jake: [referring to the boy whose crotch was hacked off by the Candyman] They found 'it' floating in the toilet... can't fix that, you're better off dead.

  • Jake: Hey, I heared about your promotion. Sorry to see you go. I feel like we haven't gotten to know eachother.

    Stella Crenshaw: Well you know, that can all change. Do you ever play pool, Jake?

    Erik Stone: Hey, where are you guys going? Can I come?

  • Dante Belasco: Maybe it only opens from the outside.

    Jake: It's an Emergency Exit, idiot!

    Dante Belasco: Well then you fucking open it!

  • Coach Dwayne Barnes: What happened? What did you see?

    Jake: What'd you see?

    Coach Dwayne Barnes: Come on! Did you see something or not?

    Jake: She flew away.

  • Jake: You know what the story is on those scars there, right?

    Izzy Bohen: No, tell me.

    Jake: Got into a fight when you snuck into a bar.

    Izzy Bohen: So?

    Jake: A gay bar, bro. You do know what they call you, don't you Izzy?

    Izzy Bohen: That's my name.

    Jake: Or isn't he?

  • Jake: That thing is gone, man. I'm willing to bet money on it.

    Izzy Bohen: You willing to bet stepping off this bus, because that's the real bet.

  • [first lines]

    Emily: Ever seen a shooting star?

    Jake: Sure. You?

    Emily: You know what you're supposed to do, right?

    Jake: What do you mean, make a wish?

    Emily: If you saw one right now, what would you wish for?

    Jake: Well, that's a secret.

  • Jake: Have you ever seen something so scary that you just... you had to show someone else?

    [zoom in on tape]

  • Jake: So, let's just pretend you're five years old and on fire.

  • Red: [to the freshmen potheads] There she is boys, Mandy Lane. Untouched, pure. Since the dawn of junior year men have tried to possess her, and to date all have failed. Some have even died in their reckless pursuit of this angel.

    Jake: I can see your nipples.

    Chloe: Obviously.

    Marlin: How do you get them that hard?

    Chloe: It's a secret.

  • Marlin: [looking at map of USA with Xs] What's with all the Xs.

    Red: Jake's hooked up with a girl from each of those states.

    Marlin: Yeah right. There are like 40 states accounted for here.

    Jake: 42

    Red: And the fuckers parents are taking him to Alaska in August.

  • [last lines]

    Jake: It's all your fault! What did you do? What did you bring here?

    Allison: [shaking and sobbing] It followed me here. THEY followed me here!

  • Jake: [to Raquel] So I'm backpacking through Asia, it's going to be awesome.

    [Jake gets out his iPad and starts to play Air Hockey on it]

    Jake: I'm going to catch some waves...

    [Suzy sees Jake playing on his iPad and bends down to him]

    Suzy Lee: Excuse me, all electronic devices must be turned...

    Jake: No prob, brom.

    Suzy Lee: ...Off.

    [Suzy walks away and Jake turns back to Raquel]

    Jake: Total urban myth by the way, I guarantee you I leave this thing on, this plane is not gonna crash.

    Raquel Mendoza: So, why do they say it in?

  • [first lines]

    Jake: Please, don't leave me in here.

    Sullivan: Jake, I promise I won't be long.

  • Jake: She's here...

  • Jake: [Lights flicker]

    Jake: She's here...

    Jake: [Kayako's death rattle is heard]

    Jake: No! She's here! Let me out, she's here!

    Jake: [Jake waves his hands at the camera to try to get the guard's attention]

    Jake: [Kayako's hands grab Jake's wrists]

    Jake: [Kayako breaks Jake's wrists and throws him around the room, much to the confusion of the guard]

    Orderly: [Picks up phone] Dr Sullivan? You better get down there.

    Sullivan: [Opens Jake's cell door and gasps in horror and disgust at Jake's mangled corpse]

  • Jake: [Noticing that Lacy is still nonchalantly preparing dinner, not realizing she's been possessed] Lacy, what are you doing?

    Lacey: I'm fixing supper dear.

    Jake: Lacy Ernest and Helen are DEAD!

    Lacey: Ah that makes dinner for four. Father Reilly, you're staying, aren't you?

  • Jake: This is creepy... like a bad science fiction movie.

  • Jake: Oh come on, babe, what's the matter?

    Sally Ross: What's the matter? I've got a show to do in five days, the lighting man appears to be learning on the set, my secretary has been attacked, David is dead, and oh yes, there is some fruit cake out there who wants to kill me. Now to satisfy you more, will you please get the hell out of here!

  • Jake: [to Eddie] You look like a pirate.

  • Eddie: Hey. I saw you today. At the tattoo shop? We talked about the murders? Do you remember?

    Jake: Yeah, I do. I do remember. Eddie, what do you want?

    Eddie: Like to know your name.

    Jake: I bet you would, all right. Look, do I have a stalker? Cause I know you're definitely not a real cop.

    Eddie: You know, it's Halloween. My handcuffs are real.

    Jake: [unimpressed] Right on. Unfortunately you have no gun.

    Eddie: No, I left it at home.

    Jake: So you do shoot, then.

    Eddie: Yeah, I do. A little. I used to shoot because I wanted to be a cop. But I didn't pass the physical. I hurt my eye.

    Jake: Your eye looks fine.

    Eddie: Well, it's not. Half my field of vision is gone. My depth perception is shot. Can't even drive.

    Jake: You don't hit on guys much, do you?

    Eddie: No.

    Jake: [holds his hand out to shake after a slight uncomfortable pause] Look, I'm Jake.

    Eddie: [shaking hands] What changed your mind?

    Eddie: I wanted to see you shoot.

  • Madame: You sick?

    Jake: Just happy, sir.

    Madame: Don't you "sir" me.

    Jake: Okay, ma'am.

  • Jake: I never thought I'd say this to a boy: I love you, too.

  • Madame: You're working here ten months?

    Jake: Almost eleven.

    Madame: So you should know the rules of the house like the back of your hand. Get it on and get it off.

    Jake: Is there something wrong with my stage routine?

    Madame: Your offstage routine is a little off. I mean, for a straight boy.

    Jake: You didn't like me being with girls. Now that ain't an issue, you still have a problem.

    Madame: I just worry that your little... liebelei... might be lightening your load.

    Jake: Has anyone complained?

    Madame: No, not yet, but I know how this goes. Believe me, Jake.

    Jake: I'm teaching him the basics.

    Madame: Why don't you start teaching him right now?

    Jake: What do you mean?

    Madame: I have a request for Frank; so, you might open a new chapter in your... teaching program and introduce him to the art of your well-appreciated private shows.

  • Emma: Now, stick it in.

    Frank: How?

    Emma: Just, uh, with your hands. Go on.

    Frank: With my hands?

    Emma: Shove it in. Yeah.

    Frank: Oh... god.

    Emma: That's it. Go a little easy. Go on. More. Deeper!

    Frank: [laughing] Up the butt.

    [doorbell rings]

    Emma: Jakey?

    Jake: [from the other room] Yeah?

    Emma: Can you get that? We're just, uh, fisting a turkey.

  • Jake: Now that's a great idea, why don't we get married? That way you can save my 10%.

    Pauline Ward: And you can keep my 90%, no thanks.

  • Jake: There are three truths in life: you are born, you will die, and things change. OK, maybe one more: everyone has their stella, and when they do, no one else can even compare.

  • Jake: Gil, I know a lot of guys who are gay. I played football, for Christ's sake.

  • [Thompson calls, once again]

    Jake: [picks up phone, angrily] Listen to me...

    Paige Forrester: [takes phone from Jake] No, listen to *me*, you dickless fuck. I know exactly what you're trying to do and I want you to know two things. One, even if you called here a thousand times tonight, Jake would still be getting laid. And two, if you bother us even once in the next ten hours, I'll see to it he tells everyone about the transsexual drag queen you were having cybersex with over the internet.

  • Susan: I still think you are strange, but I'm starting to get used to it, and...

    Jake: What?

    Susan: ...enjoying it, funnily.

  • Jake: Eat the sky, Ringe! There's more!

  • Jake: I love you.

    Susan: You don't say it often, but when you do, I die.

  • Elliot Moore: You're not interested in what happened to the bees?

    [Jake shakes his head]

    Elliot Moore: You should be more interested in science, Jake. You know why? Because your face is perfect. The problem is, your face is perfect at 15. Now if you were interested in science, you would know facts like the human nose and ears grow a fraction of an inch each year. So a perfect balance of features now might not look so perfect five years from now, and might look down right whack ten years from now.

    [students laugh]

    Elliot Moore: Come on, buddy. Take an interest in science. What could be the reason bees have vanished?

    Jake: [after a long pause] An act of nature, and we'll never fully understand it.

    Elliot Moore: Nice answer, Jake. He's right. Science will come up with some reason to put in the books, but in the end it'll be just a theory. I mean, we will fail to acknowledge that there are forces at work beyond our understanding. To be a scientist, you must have a respectful awe for the laws of nature.

    [Jake raises his hand]

    Elliot Moore: Jake?

    Jake: How much does the human nose grow each year?

    Elliot Moore: It's miniscule, buddy. Okay? Don't worry about it. You're going to be a heartthrob your whole life. I was just messing with you.

  • Kate Major: It's my job. I'm going alone.

    Jake: It's my city. I'm coming with you.

  • Emma: Fuck you!

    Jake: Maybe later!

    Emma: I'm pregnant!

  • Stake: You're always pissin' off everyone.

    Stud: Oh, I'm pissing everyone off am I? Paul? Are you pissed off with me?

    Paul: Well, a little bit.

    Stud: Jake? Are you pissed off with me? Well, Jake looks pissed off but I don't think it's about me...

    Jake: Shut the fuck up, the lot of ya!

    Stud: What's wrong with you?

    Jake: I'm trying to figure out which one here in this room is the most fuckin' useless!

  • Jake: I'm not going to explain some damn thing to you that you'd never understand anyhow.

  • Lenny: I don't like you!

    Jake: So what? I don't like me either.

  • Jake: You can't miss something if you never had it to begin with.

  • Jake: I need something to drink.

    Lenny: [getting a whiff] How 'bout some coffee?

    Jake: How 'bout you give up playing the social worker and get me some whiskey.

    Lenny: How 'bout you kiss my ass.

  • Jake: [to Kate] I don't give a damn about you. Give me the same respect and leave me the hell alone.

    Kate: You just going to sit here and rot?

    Jake: Everything I touch turns to shit. It's better this way for everybody.

  • John Fain: Who are you?

    Jake: Jacob McCandles.

    John Fain: I thought you were dead.

    Jake: Not hardly.

  • Jake: You're short on ears and long on mouth!

  • Jake: Throw a blanket over 'im (a horse).

    James McCandles: I can ride without a blanket.

    Jake: I'm not worrying about your butt! It's his back!

  • Pop Dawson: Say, you don't look too good. The sight of blood bother you?

    Jake: Only my own.

  • Jake: Well, if you can shoot that far, a quarter of a mile straight along the edge of my nose is a mountain buck. Shoot it.

    Michael McCandles: I don't kill to make a point, Father.

    Jake: Michael, there's two reason to kill - survival and meat. We need meat!

  • Jake: What do you do when cockroaches get in the woodwork, Michael?

    James McCandles: Smoke 'em out?

    Jake: That's right.

    Michael McCandles: Why not wait for them to make the first move?

    Jake: Because waiting is good for them and bad for us. You get impatient, nervy, careless and maybe dead.

  • Martha McCandles: They're very dangerous men. They've already killed ten people, many of them you know... Juan and his family...

    Jake: Tina and the little boy?

    Martha McCandles: And Moses Brown.

    Jake: Old Mose... lousy cook.

  • [as the dead bank robbers are rolled away from the scaffold]

    Van Damm: Those sons of bitches stole all the money in town!

    Jake: They ain't givin' it back now.

Browse more character quotes from The Wraith (1986)

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