Jagjit Quotes in American Desi (2001)

Jagjit: Krishna Gopal Reddy, that is you? But what is this Kris? Oh I get it, Kris with a K. Top Yaar. Make it easy for the Goras.

[Jagjit Gaffaws]

Jagjit: You should see how they pronounce my name.

Jagjit: [dancing] ho! ho! ho!

Girl at party: Hey man, WHO ARE YOU CALLING A HO?

Jagjit: Hey Salim, did you ever see that episode of Gilligan's Island where the personalities got switched?

Salim: I know what you mean, somewhere in Jersey there is a black man driving around in a Honda Accord and praying to Lord Ganesh.

Jagjit: Hey Salim, did you see that movie, Kama Sutra? Rekha was in that one too, wasn't she?

Salim: Yeah she was so amazing. I hope my wife looks that good when she gets to that age.

Jagjit: Didn't see play a prostitute in that one, too?

Salim: Listen, chutiyah, this is the last time I'm going to tell you...

Jagjit: No, no, no wait, she played a teacher. She taught others how to be prostitutes.

Jagjit: You wouldn't even consider marrying an Indian girl from here?

Salim: Who needs all that hassle when you come back from work?

[mockingly]

Salim: "Salim, let's go out to dinner! I'm too tired to cook. I work, too."

Jagjit: Not all Indian girls are like that.

Salim: You've seen them with those Goras. I mean when will they learn how to cook a decent home meal?

Jagjit: I would like to pay for these by credit card

[points to books]

Jagjit: and these by cash

[points to art supplies]

Jagjit: .

Ajay: What's up with the partition? Are those Pakistani brushes?

Jagjit: Oh wow, a desi T.A., it's going to be tough as shit.

Professor Rosenstein: It appears that Mr. Rao has not arrived yet.

Jagjit: He's probably running on Indian Standard Time. Just watch him stroll in at the end of class.

[class is over]

Professor Rosenstein: 3... 2... 1

[Jagjit clicks his tongue. Mr. Rao comes in]

Professor Rosenstein: Well Mr. Rao, nice of you to join us. Next time perhaps, you can actually attend the class.

Gautam Rao: [confused] Class is over?

Jagjit: Look at this place! Can you believe there's this many freshmen?

Salim: It's going to be a very tough year, yaar. We're going to have to study much harder to beat the curve.

Ajay: You're at a goddamn party bitch! Fa'get about ya curve! Let's go get some desi booty!

[Jagjit is walking and trips over Salim as he is praying]

Jagjit: Salim, you know I respect your religion and all but one of these days, someone is gonna get hurt!

Gautam Rao: Jagjit Singh?

Jagjit: Here.

Gautam Rao: "Onathan" Scott?

Jonathan: It's Jonathan. "Juh"

Gautam Rao: What happened to the silent "J"?

Jonathan: It's not silent!

Gautam Rao: I swear that there are more exceptions than rules in the English grammar.

Jagjit: Here we go with the corrupt Indian girl routine.

Salim: That's right, all Indian girls in America become corrupt. You saw Farah at the party, the way she was dressed. Just imagine if her daddy saw her. The poor guy would have a heart attack.

Jagjit: Why don't you give her a chance Salim, maybe there is more to her than that?

Salim: No way. She's been hunting me down like anything. Everywhere I go there she is, in the class, at the hall, at that stupid party. I'm already feeling like I'm married. Pretty soon she's gonna be asking to

[mockingly]

Salim: carry her makeup!

[Watching Hindi Movies]

Krishna: This is driving me crazy!... It's been 10 minutes, aren't we due for another song-and-dance sequence?

[Song-and-dance sequence begins]

Krishna: Good I was starting to get worried... What is this? The next day? They've all changed clothes!... I've seen porno films with better storylines than this, honestly!

[Rakesh and Nina leave in aggravation]

Jagjit: Good job, yaar. Insulting Hindi films and admitting to watching Porno.

Salim: Maybe next time you can mention your bout with gonorrhea.

Jagjit: You go to the grocery store and pick up a couple of things. Ajay, you go back an prepare the kitchen. I'll go deliver the invitations.

Krishna: How about you get that stuff, and I'll ask out Nina. Huh?

Jagjit: That's your problem, yaar. You think too much like an American. If you want to get an Indian girl, you have to think like an Indian. You need to use Indian technique. You need a go-between. Now go!

Nina: It's an email from Jagjit. Oh listen to this: "Loyal friend seeks suitable alliance for big-mouthed but well-intentioned roommate. Nineteen years, 5'11". Currently pursuing a degree in engineering. US Citizen... Girl should be very open-minded and understanding"

Priya: Oh that is so cute! Oh my god, you have to go!

Nina: No way, it's gonna take more than a fungal ad to makeup for last night.

[Nina gets another email and is reading it]

Nina: "Okay, how about a nice home-cooked dinner?"

[looks around and see Jagjit in front of her]

Nina: Jagjit...

Jagjit: Come by the apartment at 8 o'clock tonight. You will be amazed. AND NO INDIAN STANDARD TIME!

Jagjit: What man? What'll be all right? That I have to spend the rest of my life designing buildings in a job that I hate? You call that ALL RIGHT? I don't know why I bothered man. I knew he was gonna find out eventually and he never understands! I don't wanna see this stuff, anymore!

Jagjit: Shabbash, yaar! Just like in the movies! The hero beats the villain and saves the beautiful heroine! Tip-top! Just like a Hindi film!