Jackie Moon Quotes in Semi-Pro (2008)

Jackie Moon: Everybody panic! Oh my God, there's a bear loose in the coliseum! There will be no refunds! Your refund will be escaping this deathtrap with your life! If you have a small child, use it as a shield! They love the tender meat! Cover your sodas! Dewie loves sugar!

Jackie Moon: In the anals of history people are going to be talking about three things: the discovery of fire, invention of the submarine, and the Flint, Michigan Mega Bowl.

Jackie Moon: [to teammates] If you see a possum, try to kill it. It's not a pet.

Jackie Moon: [to referee] Suck my cock! I'll murder your family!

Cornelius Banks: [to Lou] You were never in 'Nam, you jive turkey.

[long silence]

Lou Redwood: [coldly] Did you just call me a jive turkey?

[Cornelius shakes his head]

Jackie Moon: No. No, he did not, he uh... he called you cocksucker. Right Cornelius?

Cornelius Banks: Yeah, I just called you cocksucker.

Lou Redwood: Pretty sure you called me a jive turkey.

Dick Pepperfield: No, no, now Lou, nobody called anyone a J.T.

Lou Redwood: Jive turkey is a little over the line, my man!

Jackie Moon: Look. We were all here, we all heard what was said, and we're in agreement, Cornelius said cocksucker. Right?

Bobby Dee: He just said you suck cock!

Dick Pepperfield: That's all he said about you!

Jackie Moon: Come on. Dig into that fondue... little cocksucker.

[laughs]

Lou Redwood: We like playing games, don't we?

Jackie Moon: It's true, we're playing one right now.

Lou Redwood: I'm gonna show you guys this game I learned when I was in FUCKIN' NAM!

[Lou draws his gun and aims it at Cornelius]

Lou Redwood: Who's the jive turkey now?

Jackie Moon: Nothing in the rulebook that says you can't play drunk.

Dick Pepperfield: Well actually there is.

Jackie Moon: Everybody panic! It's just like the Titanic but it's full of bears!

Jackie Moon: No refunds, consider your refund escaping this death trap with your lives!

Jackie Moon: [to Monix] I wish you were still a washing machine!

Jackie Moon: There'll be a lotta television cameras out there so we just gotta be tip top.

Clarence 'Coffee' Black: So what's the plan?

Jackie Moon: Brought a secret weapon. It's going to make us look extra cool on Tv.

Bee Bee Ellis: What the hell is that?

Jackie Moon: It's eyeliner dummy. Now who's first? Monix?

Monix: Oh yeah... Let me get a fresh Maxi-Pad outta my purse.

Jackie Moon: ELE! Everybody love everybody!

Jackie Moon: Damnit, Vakidis! Learn fucking English!

Jackie Moon: [screaming angrily at Father Pat the Ref] I'll burn your house down!

Jackie Moon: I'm so excited I can't feel my arms!

Jackie Moon: It feels like I got cat piss in my eyes.

Jackie Moon: Oh fuck that shit! Spumoni!

Jackie Moon: Everyone can eat shit! A big bag of shit!

Jackie Moon: [jokingly aiming an unloaded gun at his head] I'll see you fuckers in hell.

[pulls trigger, all laugh]

Bobby Dee: [aiming the gun at Jackie] Jackie, "Love Me Sexy" is the worst song I've ever heard.

[pulls trigger, all laugh]

Cornelius Banks: Watch this.

Cornelius Banks: [aiming the gun at Lou] I did call you jive turkey.

[pulls trigger, all laugh]

Dick Pepperfield: [aiming the gun at Lou] I know you slept with Mrs. Pepperfield!

[pulls trigger, all laugh]

Lou Redwood: [laughing] We're saying nutty things 'cause they're not true... especially that, more than the rest.

[Jackie tosses a gun onto the table. The gun fires a bullet. Everyone ducks as the bullet ricochets across the room]

Jackie Moon: Everybody okay?

Bobby Dee: I think so.

Cornelius Banks: Yeah.

Jackie Moon: I'm fine.

Bobby Dee: Wow!

Dick Pepperfield: We just literally dodged a bullet.

[laughs]

Jackie Moon: [laughing] We sure did!

Jackie Moon: [looks at Cornelius] Except for Cornelius!

[blood starts coming out of Cornelius' arm cast]

Cornelius Banks: [smiling] Woah! I did get shot!

Jackie Moon: It's like Titanic with bears.

Jackie Moon: Use small children as shields, bears like soft tender meat.

Jackie Moon: Cock sandwich, that hurts!

Jackie Moon: Fuck you Clarence! Spumoni!

Jackie Moon: [wrestling Dewie the bear] Crazy fists! I'm coming in with crazy fists!