Jack Taylor Quotes in One Fine Day (1996)

Jack Taylor: Maggie, when you grow up and are incredibly beautiful and intelligent and possess a certain sweetness that's... that's like a distant promise to the brave, to the worthy, could you please not beat to a pulp every miserable bastard that comes your way simply because you can? Could you not do that?

Maggie Taylor: Okay Daddy.

Jack Taylor: I just want to find a fish who isn't afraid of my dark chocolate layer... and of course she'd have to love my cookie too.

[Melanie dials her cell phone]

Jack Taylor: Hello?

Melanie: Hi, it's me.

Jack Taylor: Me who?

Melanie: You have the kids?

Jack Taylor: What kids?

Melanie: [stands, alarmed] You didn't pick up the kids?

[Sammy and Maggie both yell "Hi" into the phone along with Jack]

Jack Taylor: Oh, you mean those kids.

Jack Taylor: You're asking me for help.

Melanie Parker: It would appear that way, wouldn't it?

Jack Taylor: I'll agree if you'll say, "Jack, please be my knight in shining armor."

Melanie Parker: Jack, don't be a shit-head. Go rescue our kids.

Jack Taylor: This is hard for you, isn't it?

Marla: I didn't know you had a daughter! She looks just like you!

Jack Taylor: Yeah, well, with any luck she'll grow out of it.

Jack Taylor: This fish was a fox, and she had her own cookie too. But what a female dog. She shoved her fish in my face.

Dr. Martin: In front of the cookie?

Jack Taylor: What?

Dr. Martin: What is she doing with another fish anyways? What is she AC/DC?

Jack Taylor: What are you talking about?

Dr. Martin: Fish with other fish in front of cookies...

Jack Taylor: Fish. *Fish* fish.

Dr. Martin: Oh I see.

Jack Taylor: I'm working on a story right now.

Kristen: You're always working on a story.

Jack Taylor: Well, Yeah. It's what I do.

Kristen: It's the same old one about an every-other-weekend, good-time father, for whom responsibility is a dirty word.

Jack Taylor: Here's a hint, Kristen. During an attempted manipulation, like the one that's in progress, I would have gone with flattery.

Kristen: Why do I always have to be the grownup where you always get to be the little boy?

Jack Taylor: Because in the beginning of the relationship when we were choosing up sides, you chose grownup first.

Jack Taylor: [curtly] My attitude is derived from your attitude.

Melanie: "Derived", you must be a writer.

Jack Taylor: [on the phone while she can hear him] A real superwoman. Can't open her door, won't shut her mouth.

Melanie: Excuse me, are you talking about me?

Jack Taylor: The first lady. We're thinking about doing a piece on her.

Jack Taylor: [to his daughter] That's one of the advantages of being an adult. You get to act like a kid anytime you feel like it.

Melanie: Men like you have made me the woman I am.

Jack Taylor: All the women I know like you have made me think all women are like you.

Melanie: Look, I just called...

Jack Taylor: You just called to check up on me, because you don't really trust me... Sammy, no! Put the gun down!

[Melanie laughs]

Jack Taylor: ...and you only asked me to watch Sammy out of sheer desperation. Part of you would feel safer leaving Sammy at the 9th Street Drop-in Center, *with* LSD, isn't that true?

Melanie: No, that is not true. I just called to warn you that Sammy can get in trouble faster than you can make most women smile. Just be careful, okay?

Jack Taylor: I won't let him out of my sight... hey, Sammy! Guns aren't toys!

[into phone]

Jack Taylor: It's not loaded.

Melanie: Goodbye.

Jack Taylor: You aren't going to fire me. My face is on buses.

Jack Taylor: Kick the mean boys in the shins.

Jack Taylor: You are like Roy Scheider at the end of Jaws, the moment I open the mouth you are gonna drop a bomb.

Maggie Taylor: I'm hungry.

Jack Taylor: Want a Tic Tac?

Maggie Taylor: No.

Jack Taylor: That's all I've got.

[Jack Taylor introduces his pet owl]

Jack Taylor: This is O.J.

Tom Stansfield: O.J.? Like the murderer?

Jack Taylor: No, like a football player. O.J. Simpson.

Jack Taylor: [to Audrey, his secretary] Are you retarded?

[She stares at him]

Jack Taylor: It's not a rhetorical question. Are you retarded?

[repeated line]

Jack Taylor: Audrey, get in here!

Jack Taylor: What's this I hear about you threatening to spray this play with an AK-47?

Tom Stansfield: Oh... well, I was just making a joke.

Jack Taylor: Oh that's funny to you? People dying? And what's this I hear about you making fun of midgets?

Tom Stansfield: I never make fun of midgets!

Jack Taylor: You said, it would be fun to date one because then you could rest your beer on their head, now I have a sense of humour, but that's just sick.

Bruce Madsen: You want me to warm up your audience?

Jack Taylor: Of course, I'd be honored. Audience warm-up guys make a lot of money, Bruce.

Bruce Madsen: You want me to be your fluffer, Jack? That's fucking humiliating! I can't believe this is how you look at me.

Jack Taylor: I don't look at you that way, Bruce, that's how the business looks at you.

Bruce Madsen: Then fuck the business.

Jack Taylor: I don't get you man. You think this business is like a "Punt, Pass, and Kick" competition where all that matters is being funnier than everybody else.

Bruce Madsen: Isn't that what it's about... being funny?

Jack Taylor: Wake the fuck up, Bruce. Funny has, like a little bit to do with it... this much. It's like the figure skating compulsories. You go around, you do a figure-eight. Yeah, that's cool, but what you're judged on in this business is the long program.

Bruce Madsen: You're using figure skating analogies, Jack? You've changed, buddy.

Jack Taylor: And you haven't, Bruce. You never wanted to put in the work, the real work of building a career. So, instead, what do you do? You hide behind the rebel flag? You're fucking Cliché Guevara, man! I'm offering you a job, Bruce. It's a good job. Take the job.