Jack Byrnes Quotes in Meet the Parents (2000)


Jack Byrnes Quotes:

  • Dina Byrnes: I had no idea you could milk a cat!

    Greg Focker: Oh, you can milk just about anything with nipples.

    Jack Byrnes: [He reacts] I have nipples, Greg, could you milk me?

  • [Jack's Poem]

    Jack Byrnes: "My Mother", by Jack Byrnes. You gave me life / You gave me milk / You gave me courage / Your name was Angela / The angel from Heaven / But you were also an angel of God / And He needed you, too / Selfishly I tried to keep you here / While the cancer ate away your organs, / Like an unstoppable rebel force / But I couldn't save you / and I shall see your face nevermore, nevermore, nevermore / Until we meet in heaven.

    Pam Byrnes: Dad, that's beautiful.

    Dina Byrnes: It always gets me.

    Greg Focker: That's amazing, so much love, and also so much information.

  • Jack Byrnes: Oh, geez. I just thought of something.

    Dina Byrnes: What?

    Jack Byrnes: Pam's middle name.

    Dina Byrnes: Martha... Oh, no.

    Jack ByrnesDina Byrnes: Pamela Martha Focker.

  • Jack Byrnes: I will be watching you and if I find that you are trying to corrupt my first born child, I will bring you down, baby. I will bring you down to Chinatown.

  • Jack Byrnes: I mean, can you ever really trust another human being, Greg?

    Greg Focker: Sure, I think so.

    Jack Byrnes: No. The answer is you cannot.

  • Jack Byrnes: What are you driving there? Ford?

    Greg Focker: Yeah it's a Taurus. Yeah, we were going to get a mid-size, but I figure, hey, we pull down decent bucks. Might as well go all out, and pop for the full-size.

    Jack Byrnes: Sure. Interesting color. You pick it?

    Greg Focker: Oh, no, the guy at the counter. Why?

    Jack Byrnes: Well, they say geniuses pick green. But you didn't pick it.

  • Jack Byrnes: Greg, how come you don't like cats?

    Greg Focker: I don't not like cats. I-I just - I just prefer dogs. I mean, I'm just more of a dog kind of, you know. Come home, wagging their little tails, happy to see you kind of...

    Jack Byrnes: You need that assurance, do you? You prefer an emotionally shallow animal?

    Greg Focker: I...

    Jack Byrnes: You see, Greg, when you yell at a dog, his tail will go between his legs and cover his genitals, his ears will go down. A dog is very easy to break, but cats make you work for their affection. They don't sell out the way dogs do.

  • Dina Byrnes: Now Greg, you have a very unique last name. Um, we were curious, how do you pronounce it?

    Greg Focker: Oh, just like it's spelled. F-O-C-K-E-R.

    Dina Byrnes: F-Focker.

    Jack Byrnes: Hmm, Focker. Hmm.

  • Greg Focker: [in the car listening to "Puff the Magic Dragon"] Who would've thought it wasn't really about a dragon, huh?

    Jack Byrnes: What do you mean?

    Greg Focker: You know, the whole drug thing?

    Jack Byrnes: No, I don't know. Why don't you tell me?

    Greg Focker: Some people think that to "puff the magic dragon" means to- They're really, uh - to smoke - to smoke - a marijuana cigarette.

    Jack Byrnes: Puff's just the name of the boy's magical dragon.

    Greg Focker: Right.

    Jack Byrnes: Are you a pothead, Focker?

    Greg Focker: No! No. What? No, no, no, no, Jack. No, I'm - I'm not - I - I pass on grass all the time. I mean, not all the time.

    Jack Byrnes: Yes or no, Greg?

    Greg Focker: No. Yes. No.

  • Jack Byrnes: Is your name Gaylord Focker, yes or no?

    Greg Focker: Yes.

    Jack Byrnes: Are you a male nurse?

    Greg Focker: Yes.

    Jack Byrnes: Are you a pothead?

    Greg Focker: No.

    Jack Byrnes: Have you ever smoked pot?

    Greg Focker: Yes.

    Jack Byrnes: Did you spray-paint the tail of a cat to pass him off as Mr. Jinx?

    Greg Focker: Yes.

    Jack Byrnes: Did you do that because you desperately were seeking my approval?

    Greg Focker: Yes.

    Jack Byrnes: Because you love my daughter Pam?

    Greg Focker: Yes.

    Jack Byrnes: Do you want to marry her?

    [Greg says nothing]

    Jack Byrnes: Do you want to marry her?

    Greg Focker: I did, till I met you.

  • Pam Byrnes: Geez, Dad. You ever think of knocking?

    Jack Byrnes: Not in my own den. What are you two doing in here?

    Larry: I'd say rounding 2nd base.

  • Greg Focker: I love your daughter, Jack. I love her more than anything. But frankly sir, I'm a little terrified of being your son-in-law. This whole weekend has given me a lot of doubts about whether or not I could even survive in your family. I think you've got some serious issues.

    Jack Byrnes: If I lighten up, would you consider marrying my daughter?

    Greg Focker: Would you lighten up *a lot*?

    Jack Byrnes: [unsure] Yeah.

    Greg Focker: Yes or no?

    Jack Byrnes: Yes.

    Greg Focker: Would you let me and Pam live our lives and not interfere all the time?

    Jack Byrnes: I promise not to interfere in your lives *all* the time.

    Greg Focker: Will you stop making fun of me for being a nurse?

    Jack Byrnes: Could you at least try, maybe, to consider another profession?

    Greg Focker: Jack, yes or no?

    Jack Byrnes: Ever?

    Greg Focker: No!

    Jack Byrnes: Okay, yes.

    Greg Focker: Would you let me and Pam sleep in the same room?

    Jack Byrnes: Don't push it, Focker! You're in a real mess.

  • Jack Byrnes: Trust me, Greg, when you start having little Fockers running around, you'll feel the need for this type of security.

  • Bob Banks: What is that smell?

    Jack Byrnes: That smell, Bob, is our shit. Focker flushed the toilet in the den so the septic tank overflowed.

    Greg Focker: I told you, Jack, it wasn't me. It was Jinx.

    Jack Byrnes: Focker, I'm not going to tell you again! Jinx cannot flush the toilet. He's a cat for Christ sakes!

    Larry: The animal doesn't even have thumbs, Focker.

  • Late Night Courier: Gaylord M. Focker?

    Greg Focker: That's me.

    Jack Byrnes: I thought your name was Greg.

    Greg Focker: It is.

    Late Night Courier: That's not what it says here.

    Greg Focker: Gaylord is my legal name. Nobody's called me by it since third grade.

    Denny Byrnes: Wait a minute, so your name is Gay Focker?

  • Jack Byrnes: So what if he took the MCATs? He's still not good enough for Pam.

    Dina Byrnes: Who is, Jack? Nobody has ever been good enough for your Pam. I mean, do you realize that you never even warmed up to Kevin until she broke up with him? Maybe it's time you think about what Pam wants.

  • Deborah Byrnes: No. We are not going to cancel the rehearsal for some stupid cat.

    Jack Byrnes: Stupid cat? How could you say that? That cat's been like a brother to you. And we're supposed to just let him wander the streets without food, water or toilet?

    [looking around the house]

    Jack Byrnes: Denny. DENNY?

    Denny Byrnes: Right here, dad.

    Jack Byrnes: Okay, you're going to fill in as the ring bearer for now...

    Denny Byrnes: What? No, I'm not wearing that stupid pillow thing on my head.

    Jack Byrnes: Oh yes you damn well will!

  • Dina Byrnes: Looks like we've got another wedding to plan.

    Jack Byrnes: Yep. Just got to do one more thing.

    Dina Byrnes: What's that?

    Jack Byrnes: Meet his parents.

    Dina Byrnes: Jack...

    Jack Byrnes: Honey, relax. I'm sure they're wonderful, fascinating people.

    Dina Byrnes: Good night, Jack.

    Jack Byrnes: I mean, they'd have to be, right? To name their son Gaylord Focker?

  • Jack Byrnes: I'm a realist. I understand it's the 21st century and you've probably had premarital relations with my daughter. But under our roof, it's my way or the Long Island Expressway. Is that understood?

    Greg Focker: Of course, yeah.

    Jack Byrnes: Good. Keep your snake in it's cage for 72 hours.

  • Jack Byrnes: Greg's in medicine too.

    Bob Banks: What field?

    Greg Focker: Nursing.

    Bob Banks: Ha ha ha ha. No, really, what field are you in?

    Greg Focker: Nursing.

  • Jack Byrnes: Greg's a male nurse.

    Greg Focker: Yes. Thank you, Jack.

    Kevin: Wow, that's great. I'd love to find time to do some volunteer work. Just the other day I saw a golden retriever, he had like a gimp, ya know I just wish I could have done something.

    Greg Focker: Yeah, well I get paid too so it's sort of an everyone wins thing.

  • Jack Byrnes: Greg, nobody's expecting much out of you so if I set you up with the ball, you think you could jump up and spike it?

    Greg Focker: Yeah. I'd have to be pretty high, but yeah.

    Jack Byrnes: I bet you would, Panama Red.

  • Kevin: There he is. Okay, G-Man, we've got swordfish and we've got salmon, what'll it be?

    Greg Focker: How 'bout a little of both, K-Dog, I'm pretty hungry.

    Jack Byrnes: I think they call that the 'munchies'.

  • Jack Byrnes: [Jack is giving Greg a polygraph test] Did you fly on an airplane today?

    Greg Focker: Yes, I did.

    Jack Byrnes: No peeking. Did we eat potroast for dinner tonight?

    Greg Focker: Yes.

    Jack Byrnes: Was it under-cooked?

    Greg Focker: No, it was rare.

    [polygraph starts spiking]

    Greg Focker: It was a little rare for my taste.

    Jack Byrnes: I'm just kidding


    Jack Byrnes: [Greg laughs nervously] Relax. Relax. The needles are jumping.

    [long pause]

    Jack Byrnes: Have you ever watched pornographic videos?

    Greg Focker: No. I mean, well, I don't...

    Jack Byrnes: Yes or no?

  • Greg Focker: [about the polygraph machine] Now these aren't 100% accurate right?

    Jack Byrnes: Oh you'd be surprised how accurate they are.

  • Jack Byrnes: I will be watching you.

  • Jack Byrnes: Did you flush this toilet?

    Greg Focker: Maybe... You know what, maybe Jinx flushed it. I saw little Jinxy in there last night and he took a squatted... relieved himself.

    Jack Byrnes: Jinx knows not to use that toilet and even if he did, he'd never flush it.

    Greg Focker: What does it matter?

    Jack Byrnes: The matter, Greg RN, is that when this toilet is flushed, it runs, and when you have a septic tank that's nearly full and a toilet that's been running all night, then you could have a hell of a problem.

  • Kevin: [On who inspired him to be a wood worker] I guess I would have to say Jesus. He was a carpenter, and I just figured if you're going to follow in someone's footsteps, who better than Christ?

    Greg Focker: Hmm.

    Jack Byrnes: Greg's Jewish.

    Kevin: Are you?

    Greg Focker: Yeah.

    Kevin: Well so was J.C. Wow. You're in good company.

  • Jack Byrnes: Jesus, Focker. It's just a game.

  • Jack Byrnes: You tried to milk him, didn't you you sick son of a bitch?

  • Jack Byrnes: Denny can you- what is that?

    Denny Byrnes: Oh this, um, well, it's a sculpture I found in Greg's jacket.

    Jack Byrnes: This isn't a sculpture. It's a device people use to smoke marijiuana.

    Denny Byrnes: Reeaally.

  • Jack Byrnes: Greg's a male nurse.

  • Jack Byrnes: [about the polygraph machine] Why don't you try that on?

    Greg Focker: Oh, that's okay.

    Jack Byrnes: Oh, come on. We'll have some fun. I'll show you how it works.

    Greg Focker: I-I shouldn't.

    Jack Byrnes: Why should you be afraid? You have nothing to hide.

    Greg Focker: No, I know.

    Jack Byrnes: I know you know, so there shouldn't be any problem.

    Greg Focker: No, there's no problem.

    Jack Byrnes: So, try it on.

    Greg Focker: Okay.

  • Jack Byrnes: Pam told me she let you in on a little secret of mine last night.

    Greg Focker: [Nervously] Yes. Yes, she did.

    Jack Byrnes: Well, as long as you can keep your mouth shut for the rest of your life, you are in no immediate danger.

    Greg Focker: I won't tell.

    Jack Byrnes: [smiles] I'm just being humorous.

  • Greg Focker: [obviously joking about the cat using the toilet] Plus, you got another guy around the house to leave the seat up.

    Jack Byrnes: [long pause] He can't lift the seat, Greg. He lacks the strength and opposable thumbs.

  • Dina Byrnes: I just feel sorry the poor boy never had a home-cooked meal. What kind of family doesn't have time to sit down for dinner?

    Jack Byrnes: Fugitives.

  • Jack Byrnes: If you married my daughter, would you support her in the way that she deserves to be supported?

    Greg Focker: Yes.

    Jack Byrnes: Would you be honest and faithful to her?

    Greg Focker: Yes.

    Jack Byrnes: Will you devote yourself entirely to her for the rest of your life?

    Greg Focker: Of course.

    Jack Byrnes: Gaylord Focker, will you be my son-in-law?

  • Jack Byrnes: [when attaching Greg to the polygraph] Don't worry. You'll enjoy this.

  • Jack Byrnes: I don't care if they did call you Larry Poppins. You are completely unfit to handle a child.

    Greg Focker: It was Barry Poppins.

    Jack Byrnes: What kind of sick cocktail were you going to make my grandson?

    Roz Focker: Jack, the baby's teething. I told Greg to give him some rum to ease the pain.

    Jack Byrnes: It was your idea?

    Roz Focker: Yes.

    Jack Byrnes: What is wrong with you people?

    Bernie Focker: You people?

    Dina Byrnes: I used to rub bourbon on Denny's gums.

    Jack Byrnes: Yeah! Look what happened to him. Greg, you couldn't follow a simple set of instructions?

    Greg Focker: Jack. he was screaming. So I went in and I gave him a little attention. Okay?

    Jack Byrnes: He's learning to self-soothe. These setbacks are disastrous for his devlopment.

    Roz Focker: The child is adorable, but you're not raising Little Buddha over here.

    Greg Focker: Mom.

    Jack Byrnes: What are you saying?

    Roz Focker: I'm saying that I have seen that kid eat at least 15 boogers since he's been here and and I've got news for you, Jack, prodigies don't eat there own boogers.

    Jack Byrnes: And I've got news for you. Prodigies don't come in 10th place every time either.

    Pam Byrnes: Okay, Dad. That's my fiance.

    Jack Byrnes: I'm sorry. It's just that I've never seen people celebrate mediocrity the way you do.

    Roz Focker: Because we love our son? We hug our son? Let's get down to it. The truth is, you're so concerned about that Little Jack, but I think that it's the Little Jack in you that is crying out for a hug.

    Jack Byrnes: The Little Jack in me?

    [Greg is getting extremely frusrated]

    Roz Focker: Jack, you have issues. I'm trying to understand why you run around with a rubber boob strapped to your chest. I mean, were you ever breastfed? My guess is no.

    Jack Byrnes: Will you spare my the drugstore pyschology.

    Greg Focker: [everyone starts arguing] Everybody! All right. Everybody just... Everybody just STOP, okay?

    [everyone is quiet]

    Greg Focker: Jack, I am not going to make any excuses. Yes, Little Jack wouldn't stop crying so I gave him some hugs and I let him watch TV. I went to answer the phone, I was gone for a second, I came back, he let himself out of the playpen, he put on Scarface, and he glued his hands to the rum bottle. Okay? That's it.

  • Jack Byrnes: Greg, a man reaches a certain age when he realizes what's truely important. Do you know what that is?

    Greg Focker: Love... friendship... enjoying the moment... living... just love.

    Jack Byrnes: His legacy.

    Greg Focker: That, too. Right, yeah. Sure.

    Jack Byrnes: Let me put it very simply. If your family's circle does indeed join my family's circle, they'll form a chain. I can't have a chink in my chain.

  • Jack Byrnes: We use the Ferber method.

    Bernie Focker: We use the Focker method. We hugged and kissed that little boy like there was no tomorrow. We Fockerized him.

  • Jack Byrnes: I'm not so sure this wedding is such a good idea. I don't like what I'm seeing from these Fockers.

  • [Jack is in the RV ready to leave the island but Bernard is lying down in front of the RV so he won't leave]

    Jack Byrnes: [over loudspeaker] Bernard, get out from under the vehicle or I will run you over.

    Bernie Focker: I'm not moving, Jack. There's a non-violent way to handle this.

  • Greg Focker: You meet some of the... eh... some of the cousins?

    Jack Byrnes: I met some, yes. I met some... Dom?

    Greg Focker: Yeah, Dom Focker, that's my dad's... uh... first cousin. You meet his kids, Randy and Orny?

  • Isabel: He is a handsome little Focker!

    Jack Byrnes: He's not a Focker.

  • Dina Byrnes: Sweetheart, do we really have to hurry like this?

    Jack Byrnes: Oh, yes. We have to pull a little covert operation here. The bandleader says we've got approximately 23 minutes until it's time to cut the cake.

  • Greg Focker: [about the coach loudspeaker] I like that thing. Hey, mind if I, uh make a little announcement?

    Jack Byrnes: Only the captain gets to make an announcement, Greg.


    Jack Byrnes: You want to honk the horn?

    Greg Focker: Um, sure.

    Jack Byrnes: Only the captain gets to honk the horn.

  • Greg Focker: They don't call me Barry Poppins for nothing.

    [they all laugh]

    Jack Byrnes: Why would someone call you Barry Poppins?

    Greg Focker: [silence] They wouldn't.

  • Jack Byrnes: You knew she was pregnant?

    Dina Byrnes: We all did, Jack.

    Pam Byrnes: Daddy, I was going to tell you after the wedding, I swear.

    Jack Byrnes: This is the reason I created the circle of trust so we could discuss these things.

    Pam Byrnes: But the circle isn't going to work if you don't trust anyone that's in it, Dad.

  • Greg Focker: This isn't about you, alright? It's not about either of you. It's about me and Pam. We're getting married. That's it. We're starting our own circle of trust. And guess what.

    [points to both of them]

    Greg Focker: You're not in it.

    Jack Byrnes: You can't start a circle of trust. It's my circle.

    Greg Focker: You know what, you don't have a patent on the circle, Jack. And by the way, you're not even in your own circle right now.

    Jack Byrnes: That is untrue! I say who's in or out of the circle!

    Bernie Focker: Well I'm confused. Who's circle am I in?

    Greg FockerJack Byrnes: Nobody's.

  • [Bernie is laying under the RV to prevent Jack from leaving]

    Jack Byrnes: Bernie, get out from under the car or I will run you over!

  • Jack Byrnes: [about Focker Isle] We have to get out of this place. It is EVIL.

  • Roz Focker: Yeah, and now it's up to 50 Fockers.

    Jack Byrnes: 50 Fockers. What could be better?

  • Jack Byrnes: [holding up a card of a female nurse, Little Jack laughing] Sorry, Greg. It only comes in one gender.

  • Jack Byrnes: I'm down here... under the bed.

  • Greg Focker: What's the sign for sour milk, 'cause this tastes a little... funky.

    Jack Byrnes: That's because that's from Debbie's left breast, Greg.

  • Jack Byrnes: [Greg is cursing around Little Jack] I don't want his first word to be a profanity!

  • Bernie Focker: It's not about winning or losing. It's about passion. We just wanted him to love what he's doing. Know what I mean, Jack?

    Jack Byrnes: Not really, Bernard. I think a competitive drive is the essential key that makes America the only remaining superpower in the world today.

    Bernie Focker: Well, whatever works.

  • [Jack just finished taking a shower and opens the curtain to find Bernie sitting on the toilet]

    Bernie Focker: Morning, partner!

    Jack Byrnes: Morning.

    Bernie Focker: Sleep okay?

    Jack Byrnes: I slept alright, thank you.

    Bernie Focker: [long pause as Bernie and the dog stare at Jack] It's nice all of us being here together, don't you think?

    Jack Byrnes: Bernard, do you mind if I have some privacy?

    Bernie Focker: Almost done.

  • Bernie Focker: [hitting toilet with fire extinguisher] I gotta save my dog!

    Jack Byrnes: Forget your dog, what about my toilet?

  • Jack Byrnes: Okay we can play 3 on 2, but we'll need someone to be official quarterback.

    Bernie Focker: Gay goes both ways.

    Jack Byrnes: Oh, I'll bet he does.

  • Bernie Focker: At least I'm comfortable enough in my skin to cook for my family. Tell me when was the last time you gave your wife breakfast in bed? When was the last time you gave her anything in bed?

    Jack Byrnes: Now you're outta line Focker.

    Bernie Focker: No man you are outta line. You hurt my feelings there. There's no reason to hurt my feelings.

    [looks at Greg and points to Jack]

    Bernie Focker: He insulted me.

  • Dina Byrnes: [after Bernie has destroyed Jack's toilet to save Moses] Jack, he was just trying to save his pet. I mean, what if it had been Jinx who fell in the toilet?

    Jack Byrnes: [matter-of-factly] Mr. Jinx has had extensive aquatic training. He would have known exactly what to have done in a submergion.

  • Dina Byrnes: Oh, Jack, isn't it wonderful? The kids are *finally* getting married?

    Jack Byrnes: [about Little Jack] Wait a second; I think he spoke!

    [pushes Dina aside]

    Jack Byrnes: Little Jack! Were you about to speak?

    [Little Jack passes gas]

    Jack Byrnes: It's nothing, just a little flatulence. What were you saying, Dina?

  • Dina Byrnes: It's a custom designed, climate-controlled motor coach.

    Jack Byrnes: Jack calls it the Highlight of our Twilight.

  • Bernie Focker: You think you can take me, flower man?

    Jack Byrnes: I think I can, Mr. Mom.

    Bernie Focker: You're going down, Byrnesie Boy. I'm going to rearrange your bouquet.

  • Jack Byrnes: [from inside soundproof cockpit] Dina! Wake up and make Greg a cappuccino! Shake a leg, woman!

  • Jack Byrnes: I'm calling a family conference.

  • Bernie Focker: Truth is, Jack, when Gay was born, I stopped practicing and became a stay-at-home dad.

    Jack Byrnes: So Roz was the primary breadwinner and you didn't have a job.

  • Bernie Focker: Jack, tell me one smart thing the C.L.I.A. has done. I will give you the deed to her house.

    Jack Byrnes: The C.L.I.A.?

    Bernie Focker: Central Lack of Intelligence Agency!

  • Greg Focker: And do you talk yet, Mr. Munchkinhead?

    [makes baby noises at Little Jack]

    Jack Byrnes: Greg, Greg, Greg. Don't infantilize him. Talk to him like an adult.

    Dina Byrnes: Muskrat.

    Jack Byrnes: Huh?

    Dina Byrnes: Muskrat, Jack.

    Jack Byrnes: Oh right.

    [to Greg]

    Jack Byrnes: Just try to understand, he's a little person. His communication skills aren't verbal yet, but he understands.

  • Jack Byrnes: Officer, do you mind telling me why you're arresting these men?

    Officer LeFlore: Oh, mercy. It just gets better and better. This is none of your business, looky-loo!

    Jack Byrnes: At ease, son. Put down the taser.

    [pulls ID out]

    Jack Byrnes: Jack Byrnes, C.I.A.

    Officer LeFlore: C.I... what?

    [looks at the ID]

    Officer LeFlore: It says here you're retired. What are you gonna show me next, your AARP card.

    Jack Byrnes: Now you listen to me, and you listen good...

    Bernie Focker: What's he doing?

    Greg Focker: Don't worry, he's going to get us out of this.

    Jack Byrnes: You have no right to...

    Officer LeFlore: Stand down, sir!

    Jack Byrnes: No, I will not stand, you will stand down!

    Officer LeFlore: I will not stand down!

    Jack Byrnes: Oh, you will stand down or you will be walking a beat at a retirement home in Boyton Beach...

    Officer LeFlore: [shoots Jack in the chest with the taser, Jack starts shaking] Remain calm!

  • Jack Byrnes: Are you still physically attracted to my daughter, Greg?

    Greg Focker: To Pam? Are you kidding? Yes. Jack, there's never been a problem with that.

    Jack Byrnes: [sternly] Even after her body's endured the hellish ordeal of birthing twins?

    Greg Focker: Yes. Even after that. It's still... It's all good. It's all good under the hood.

    Jack Byrnes: That's disgusting.

  • Jack Byrnes: [to his former brother-in-law as he approaches him in a bar] Dr. Bob... Scumbag!

  • Greg Focker: I'm getting off the wheel.

    Jack Byrnes: What wheel?

    Greg Focker: [losing it] The wheel! The little hamster wheel that we're all running up to get a little taste of your little water thingy!

    [imitates a hamster]

    Greg Focker: Just, please, approval! Approval! Please! Give me some of the Jack... yeah...

  • Jack Byrnes: I'm watching you.

    Greg Focker: Yeah, well I have eyes too, so I'll be watching you... watching me.

  • Jack Byrnes: We've had this date since the beginning, Greg.

  • Jack Byrnes: [as Jack is being loaded into an ambulance, to Greg] Focker!

    EMT: Why is he cursing at us?

    EMT: We're just trying to help you sir...

  • Jack Byrnes: What about Mommy and Daddy, is everything okay with them?

    Samantha Focker: I guess they fight sometimes.

    Jack Byrnes: Mmm-hmm. And what do they fight about?

    Samantha Focker: Um, like Mommy got mad at Daddy because he was going to the hotel with Andi.

    Jack Byrnes: Andi?

    [Sam laughs and nods]

    Jack Byrnes: Who's Andi?

    Samantha Focker: I can't say because I'm not supposed to be spying.

    Jack Byrnes: Like I always tell you, there's nothing wrong with spying as long as you suspect foul play. So, who's Andi?

    Samantha Focker: Andi gives Daddy his boners.

  • Jack Byrnes: If I go down, Greg, I need to know someone will be responsible for the whole Byrnes clan. So I ask you, Greg, are you prepared to be... the Godfocker?

  • Jack Byrnes: Focker, there is no way I'm going into an ER room with this thing. Now you need to stick me and you need to stick me now! I'm having a dick attack! Stick me!

  • Jack Byrnes: [Defensively to Prudence] I'm not gay myself, but if I were gay, I would certainly be proud to choose a life partner like Gay Focker. And that's his actual name.

  • Greg Focker: You're not going to erase my son's memory.

    Jack Byrnes: Greg, he saw his father inject a needle into his grandfather's penis. He already has issues. That's something he might never recover from.

  • Jack Byrnes: Sam might be three quarters Byrnes, whereas Henry could very well have a double dose of Focker in him.

  • Jack Byrnes: I know you were telling the truth about Andi, Greg.

    Greg Focker: Really?

    Jack Byrnes: Yeah. The pulse on your carotid artery remained steady as you pleaded your innocence.

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