Jack Quotes in Iron Man 2 (2010)

Justin Hammer: Hey, hey, hey! Special delivery. Candygram! I brought you something.

Jack: Ooh, yeah.

Justin Hammer: Ha ha ha! We got you the bird, pal!

Ivan Vanko: This is not my bird.

Justin Hammer: What do you mean? That's the bird! This is the bird, yeah! Pulled a lot of strength to get this bird. That's a great bird!

Jack: It's a beautiful bird.

Justin Hammer: We got this all the way from Russia!

Ivan Vanko: Hey, man! It's not my bird.

Justin Hammer: Well, listen, even if it's not the bird, I mean, this is a, this is a gorgeous bird. I mean, look, you know, don't get so attached to things. Learn to let go.

Annie: What is that smell?

Jack: It's gas.

Annie: We're leaking gas?

Jack: We are now.

Annie: What, you thought you needed another challenge or something?

Harry Temple: All right, pop quiz. Airport, gunman with one hostage. He's using her for cover; he's almost to a plane. You're a hundred feet away... Jack?

Jack: Shoot the hostage.

Howard Payne: [Payne wrestles with Jack for a deadman-switch detonator on top of a runaway subway train] I'm smarter than you, Jack! I'm smarter! I'm smarter!

[Jack sees a hanging light approaching and forces Payne into its path. Payne looks up and screams before the light decapitates him]

Jack: [grabbing the detonator before Payne's body falls away] Yeah? Well, I'm TALLER!

[last lines]

Jack: I have to warn you, I've heard relationships based on intense experiences never work.

Annie: OK. We'll have to base it on sex then.

Jack: Whatever you say, ma'am.

Jack: STOP! L.A.P.D! Get out of the car!

Maurice the Tune Man: Hey man, this is MY car, I OWN this car, it's NOT stolen.

Jack: [pulls gun out and points it at him] It is now. Move over.

Annie: So you're a cop, right?

Jack: That's right.

Annie: Well, I should probably tell you that I'm taking the bus because I had my driver's license revoked.

Jack: What for?

Annie: Speeding.

[Traven spots the explosive device (it's huge); Stephens is relaying his observations by cel-phone]

Jack: Fuck me!

Stephens: "Oh, darn."

[Jack is helped onto the bus after trying to defuse bomb]

Stephens: Did you have any luck with the bomb?

Jack: Yeah, it didn't go off.

[after surviving the bus explosion]

Annie: You're not going to get mushy on me, are you?

Jack: Maybe. I might.

Annie: I hope not, 'cause you know, relationships that start under intense circumstances, they never last.

Jack: Oh yeah?

Annie: Yeah, I've done extensive study on this.

Jack: Tell me again Harry, why did I take this job?

Harry Temple: Oh come on, thirty more years of this, you get a tiny pension and a cheap gold watch.

Jack: Cool.

Jack: It's a game. If he gets the money he wins, if the bus blows up he wins.

Annie: What if you win?

Jack: Then tomorrow we'll play another one.

Annie: But I'm not available to drive tomorrow. Busy.

Harry Temple: You shot me, I can't believe it. They're giving you a medal for shooting me, you little prick!

Jack: Harry... you TOLD me to.

Howard Payne: This day has been rather disappointing, I don't mind saying.

Jack: Why, because you didn't get to kill everyone?

Howard Payne: There's gonna come a time, boy, when you will wish you never met me.

Jack: Mister, I'm already there!

Jack: You're crazy! You're fuckin' crazy!

Howard Payne: NO! Poor people are crazy, Jack. I'm eccentric.

Swat Cop: Anything else that'll keep this elevator from falling?

Jack: Yeah. The basement.

Harry: [drunk] Well, I'm gonna go home, have some sex.

Jack: Harry, you're gonna go home and puke.

Harry: Well that'll be fun too.

Annie: You didn't leave me. I can't believe it... you didn't leave me.

Jack: Didn't have anywhere to be just then.

Jack: Harry! Tell me good news, man.

Howard Payne: Oh, I'm sorry, Jack. He didn't make it.

Jack: You FUCK!

Howard Payne: It was the watch that led him to me, wasn't it? Huh? It seemed a little hammy to me to build a bomb out of my precious retirement gift, but, you know, I figured a sign that said "Howard Payne" would be pushing it.

Jack: I'm gonna rip your fucking spine out, I swear to God.

Jack: Miss, can you handle this bus?

Annie: Oh sure. It's just like driving a really big Pinto.

Ortiz: You're not too bright, man, but ya got some big round hairy cajones.

Jack: That's very gross, Ortiz.

Ortiz: Huh, can't even pay him a compliment.

Harry Temple: What do you think?

Jack: You're the expert, I just work here.

Harry Temple: Looks pretty solid.

Jack: Anyone we know?

Harry Temple: I don't recognize the work, but he's pro.

[checks watch]

Harry Temple: Oh, he's cutting it close.

Jack: I don't like it.

Harry Temple: What's to like? Mac said we hold, so we hold.

[Jack begins looking around; Harry thinks]

Harry Temple: Alright, pop quiz. Airport, gunman with a hostage. He's using her for cover. He's almost to a plane. You're one hundred feet away.

[Jack doesn't respond]

Harry Temple: Jack?

Jack: Shoot the hostage.

Harry Temple: What?

Jack: Take her out of the equation. Go for the good wound and he can't get to the plane with her. Clear shot.

Harry Temple: You're deeply nuts, you know that? "Shoot the hostage."

[chuckles]

Jack: Harry, this is wrong. He's gonna blow it anyway.

Harry Temple: Why?

Jack: I don't know, gut feeling.

Harry Temple: Yeah, well, right now Mac outranks your gut. So we sit.

Jack: How much you think that elevator weights?

Harry Temple: Jack, come on!

Jack: Maybe we can do something about those hostages.

Harry Temple: We're not gonna shoot em right?

Jack: Was it good for you?

Harry Temple: It was great for me.

Jack: Elevator dropped.

Harry Temple: Oh, that's good to know.

[both sit down]

Jack: Is your watch slow?

Harry Temple: No, no, he jumped the gun. We had three minutes left.

Jack: Why's he do that? He's losing his three million.

Harry Temple: I don't know maybe he couldn't hold his wad long enough. It's a common problem among middle-aged men. So I'm told.

Jack: [gets up; realizing] He's here.

Harry Temple: He could have blown that thing from Pacoima!

Jack: No, he knew we were up to something. He's close by.

Harry Temple: He's not gonna corner himself in a building. We evacuated anyways.

[Jack looks disappointed]

Harry Temple: Alright. He'd wanna be here but he'd wanna stay mobile. Right?

[Jack nods]

Harry Temple: The elevators.

Jack: The passenger cars were stopped. They checked em out.

Harry Temple: What about the freight elevators?

Jack: [answering phone] Harry! Tell me good news man.

Howard Payne: Oh, I'm sorry Jack. He didn't make it.

Jack: [realizes; slight pause] Fuck!

Howard Payne: It was the watch that lead him to me, wasn't it? It seemed a little hammy to me, to build a bomb out of my precious retirement gift. But you know, I figured a sign that said "Howard Payne" would be pushing it.

Jack: I'm gonna rip your fucking spine out, I swear to God.

Howard Payne: You're gonna do exactly as you're told! Jack, we both know he was the brains of your particular operation. You can't beat me, you're gonna pay me every dollar. Otherwise, you, the wildcat, and every innocent person on that bus, are gonna end up just like your friend. You paying attention? Jack, you listening to me? Jack? Jack!

Jack: Yeah...

Howard Payne: Good! Now you tell them that the drop point is Pershing Square. You drop the bags and leave. I don't show until all your people are gone. It's getting on to 11 AM, Jack, and I think it's gonna be a very pretty day.

[laughs nefariously]

Howard Payne: [hangs up; Jack flips out]

Annie: Jack stop it! We're really scared and we need you right now. I can't do this by myself! Jack, please?

Jack: [chuckles] We're gonna die.

Annie: No we're not. We got this far alright?

[Jack looks at Annie's jacket]

Jack: I'll be damned. You go to the University of Arizona?

Annie: Yeah, so?

Jack: Good football team.

Annie: Yeah? I guess so, I wouldn't know.

Jack: Arizona Wildcats.

Annie: Right...

Jack: He can see you.

Annie: What?

Jack: He can see you. Just keep looking straight ahead.

Jack: [Jack looks around; finds the camera] He called you a Wildcat before. I didn't even pick up on it. Bastard's got a camera right in your face. He can see the whole bus. He's been playing me from minute one.

Annie: Well, he can see me but can he hear me?

Jack: Doesn't look like it he's just watching you.

Howard Payne: You think I wouldn't have been prepared? Two years I spent setting up that elevator job, two years I invested in it. You couldn't understand the kind of commitment that I have. You ruined a man's life's work and you think you can walk away? You got blinders on to the world! But I got your attention now, didn't I Jack?

Jack: [distressed] Why didn't you just come after me?

Howard Payne: No this is about ME! This is about my money, this is about money DUE ME! Which I WILL collect! 3.7 Million dollars! It's my nest egg, Jack, at my age you have to think ahead.

Jack: [angry] When I find you...

Howard Payne: [cuts him off] Pop quiz, hotshot. There's a bomb on a bus. Once the bus goes 50 miles an hour, the bomb is armed. If it drops below 50, it blows up. What do you do? What do you do?

Jack: I'd want to know what bus it was...

Howard Payne: You think I'm going to tell you that?

Jack: Yes.

Howard Payne: Aha, very good. There are rules, Jack, and I want you to get this right. NO ONE goes off the bus. If you try to take any passengers off the bus, I will detonate it. I want my money by 11AM.

Jack: We can't pull that kind of money in time!

Howard Payne: [shouting] FOCUS, JACK! Your concern is the bus. And don't try to call. The radio's down. Now, the number of the bus is 2525, it's running downtown from Venice. It's at the corner of Ocean Park & Main.

[Jack takes off for his car as sirens from approaching fire engines can be heard]

Jack: [after taking Maurice's car and breaking off the door] Sir I'm gonna need to take your phone.

Maurice the Tune Man: Take the phone!

[Jack is trying to get Sam's attention]

Jack: Hey!

[honks horn repeatingly]

Jack: I'm a cop! LAPD! There's a bomb on your bus! There is a bomb on your bus!

Sam: What?

Maurice the Tune Man: There's a -WHAT? FUCK!

Jack: [after contemplating a solution] Maybe we can do something about these hostages.

Harry: We're not gonna shoot them, right?

Annie: [Jack has just killed Payne on the train roof] Where is Payne?

Jack: He lost his head.

Jack: Yeah?

Howard Payne: I think we have trust, but it looks on TV like you're trying to get those passengers off the bus.

Jack: Look, you've got to let me have one.

Howard Payne: We went over the rules.

Jack: As an act of faith. We have an injured man here. The driver's been shot.

Howard Payne: Jack, tell me that you haven't been shooting the passengers. I thought it was customary for a police officer to shoot the bad guys.

Jack: This man has no time.

Howard Payne: No one gets off!

Jack: It'll grease the wheels with the money men if you show some charity. There's still gonna be plenty of us to kill.

Howard Payne: OK, son, you can try and unload the driver. You tell that wildcat behind the wheel not to slow down, though, or he won't even get a chance to bleed to death. And, Jack, don't slip.

Lt. Herb "Mac" McMahon: Alright gentlemen, what we have here is 13 passengers in a express elevator. Below floor 30. Bomber's already taken out cables, bomber wants $3 million or he blows the emergency brakes.

Harry Temple: What's our clock?

Norwood: He gave one hour. That leaves us twenty-three minutes exactly.

Swat Cop: Anything else that will keep this elevator from falling?

Jack: Yeah, the basement.

Lt. Herb "Mac" McMahon: The city would like to avoid that event, Officer Traven.

Harry Temple: We can't just unload the passengers?

Lt. Herb "Mac" McMahon: This is an express elevator gentlemen. The only way in or out is through access panels. Bomber's also wired the hatch to trigger the bomb, which seats him in the crazy-but-not-stupid section.

Jack: Sir, Harry volunteers to examine the device.

Harry Temple: Yeah, right.

Lt. Herb "Mac" McMahon: Fine. The two of you check it out.

Norwood: The nearest access panel is on the thirty-second floor in the lobby.

Lt. Herb "Mac" McMahon: I want reports only, we're in a holding patern. Worthy, Briggs, I want you to secure base area, no one in or out. Everyone else, I want you to confirm building evac. Move!

Jack: [to Harry] Looks like we're walking.

Annie: Annie.

Jack: What?

Annie: That's my name, Annie.

Jack: Annie.

Annie: As opposed to "ma'am"?

Jack: Harry, there's enough C-4 on this thing to put a hole in the world!

Annie: [Annie has just driven the bus into a woman's baby carriage]

Annie: Oh my God, oh my God.

Jack: It's cans. It's Ok, it's cans.

Annie: What?

Jack: They were just cans.

Jack: He's the asshole, Annie, the guy who puts us here. Remember that, ok?

Annie: Big asshole.

Jack: Will the mystery guest please sign in?

Howard Payne: What do you think, Jack? You think you pick up all the bus driver's teeth they'll give you another medal?

Jack: Jeez...

Howard Payne: You think I wouldn't have been prepared? Two years I spent, setting up that elevator job. Two years I invested myself in it. You couldn't understand the kind of commitment I have. You ruined a man's life's work and you think you can walk away? You got blinders on to the world! But I got your attention now, didn't I Jack?

Jack: Why didn't you just come after me?

Howard Payne: Now this is about my money. This is about money due me. Which I collect. $3.7 million. It's my nest egg, Jack - at my age you gotta think ahead.

Jack: When I find you...

Howard Payne: Oh, quiz hot shot. There's a bomb on a bus, once the bus goes 50mp/h, the bomb is armed. If it drops below 50, it blows up. What do you do? What do you do?

Jack: I'd wanna know what bus it was...

Howard Payne: You think I'm gonna tell you that?

Jack: Yes.

Howard Payne: Aha, very good. There are rules, Jack, and I want you to get this right. No one goes off the bus. You try to take any passengers off the bus, I will detonate it. I want my money by 11 A.M.

Jack: We can't pull that kind of money in time!

Howard Payne: Focus, Jack! Your concern is the bus. And don't try to call. The radio's down. Now, the number of the bus is 2525, it's running downtown from Venice. It's at the corner of Ocean Park & Main.

Jack: You've gotta let me off.

Howard Payne: Oh, no! That's not good!

Jack: [chasing a kid down a hallway in a school] Hey, kid! No running in the halls!

Angel: I gotta ask you a question. Me and Sofi did a lot of making up last night. It seems like a got a little rust on my tools down here

[opens his bathrobe]

Bobby: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Ask the cockologist in the shower.

Jack: How the hell would I know?

Bobby: You're the expert.

Jack: [looks for a second] Rug burn.

Bobby: I wanna make a toast to Evelyn Mercer, the greatest mother four degenerate bastards ever had. Pour me and my brothers another round, and some nice warm milk for my little sister.

Jack: Man, I will drink you under the table.

Bobby: We're not talking about sperm, Jack, this is whiskey.

Jack: Jack drinks Jack! Jack drink Jack!

[considering his name is Jack and he's Drinking Jack Daniels]

Jeremiah: Jackie is drunk!

Bobby: Jack likes ass crack and ballsack.

Jack: Jack doesn't like ass crack and ballsack! Jack likes boobs! Jack's got fans. Jack's got lots of fans.

Angel: Man, shut the hell up.

Bobby: Jack, it was a questionable kill.

Jack: What makes you think that?

Bobby: Boy, it's sad, you growing up without a father. Nobody taught you anything, did they? Maybe I should've stayed around longer and held your little hand, huh sweetheart? Sometimes pros will cover up their shots with another crime, like a burglary or something, then pay a witness to throw the cops onto the wrong suspect.

Jack: Why would anybody wanna kill the sweetest woman in the God-damn world?

Bobby: I dunno, Jackie. I dunno.

Jack: You guys are coming up with this pretty quick.

Bobby: Yeah, we should've been cops.

Bobby: I ain't playing no more. I'm gonna go in there and bust that melon...

Jack: Hey! His family's in there!

Angel: Bobby, you're gonna have to calm down.

Bobby: Oh, I'm calm. He think's I'm an idiot! He thinks I don't know what the fuck is going on!

Jack: So, shit, Bobby, what've you been up to?

Bobby: I'm a freakin' college professor, Jack, what do you think I've been doing.

Jack: I doubt that.

Bobby: What about you? You still sucking a little cock left and right, or what?

Jack: Fucker.

Jack: Haven't seen you in forever!

Angel: Yeah, I know.

Jack: Hey, did you get your teeth whitened?

Angel: Man, shut up Jackie-poo

Jack: What do you think he found?

Bobby: I don't know, but it's something big.

Jack: How can you tell?

Bobby: By the sound of his voice. I know my brother.

Jack: [meeting Jeremiah's daughters] Hey, you must be Daniela!

Bobby: [petting Amelia's costumed dog] and you must be Amelia! I like your dress...

Amelia Mercer: I'm Amelia!

Bobby: I know. You probably don't remember us, but I'm your Uncle Bobby, and this is Cracker Jack.

Jack: Man, don't teach them that.

Daniela Mercer: You can't be our uncles. You're white.

Amelia Mercer: Grandma Eva's white!

Bobby: That's right. You see, we're a different kind of uncle. Your grandma, she adopted me and your uncle Jack just like she adopted your daddy.

Bobby: [after Jack is shot] Jack! Jack, look at me! Jack, you all right? Hold on. We need an ambulance!

Angel: Somebody help! Call 911!

Bobby: Jack. Jack. Jack! Jack, please. Come on, man.

Sofi: I'm calling, I'm calling!

Bobby: Come on, Jack, you gotta breathe!

Sofi: [on the phone] We need an ambulance right now!

Bobby: Don't you die on me you little fairy. Come on, Jack. Please! You gotta fucking breathe! Come on!

Jack: [grunts and gasps, gives one last breath, and dies]

Bobby: [crying] Jack! Jack. Jack, come on, Jack, please! Please...

Angel: [whispers] Jack.

Bobby: You been crying in here, you little fairy?

Jack: Leave it alone, man.

Bobby: [about Jack's guitar] Still making a lot of racket on the freakin' thing?

Jack: Yeah, still making a lot of racket. Too weird in mom's room?

Bobby: Oh, man, way too weird.

Bobby: It's a real shame that little Jackie's the only down to ride. Say goodbye to your big sister, Jackie, let's go!

Jack: [sing-song] She's addicted to what Angel's dick did...

Jeremiah: What's the plan, Bobby?

Bobby: We're wingin' it, Jerry.

Jeremiah: We're always wingin' it.

Jack: We're gonna get killed.

Angel: What'cha mean WE, white boy?

Bobby: [after crashing into a parked car while chasing the killers] Aw! Wrecked the whole side of my fucking car!

Jack: You gonna get these guys before you kill us?

Bobby: Sit back and put your fucking seatbelt on, Jack.

Bobby: We got a blowout.

Jack: Bobby, let's just stop the car. Okay, Bobby, let's just stop.

Bobby: Shut up, Jack. Gonna ride this out on the rim.

Jack: [leaving, after threatening to set a group of teens on fire] Thank you very much, I hope you all have a lovely evening!

Jack: [at funeral, giving eulogy] I never bothered looking for my real parents. Because Evelyn was enough. To go from foster house to foster house. Those people are just watching. Just looking for an extra...

[inaudible speech as Fowler's line comes in]

Jack: ... You were hardly given anything to eat. You learn to take what you can get. When Evelyn took me in, it was no different for me. Until she caught me with my pockets all full. And she tried to explain to me what it meant to be adopted, and what it meant to have a family, what it meant to have a last name... And she would say: "Jackie... there's no reason to steal your own toothbrush anymore." 'Cause I would, I would, I would take it, and I would put it in my sock drawer...

Bobby: [seeing Jack pissing on the floor] Look, look at your little brother.

Jeremiah: Jack!

Jack: Oh I'm sorry, is this the master suite?

[Angel, Bobby, and Jerimiah laugh]

Jack: Am I making the property value go down?

Bobby: [puts his arm around Jack's shoulder] You okay, man?

Jack: [puts his head down and nods]

Bobby: You sure?

Jack: [nods again, keeping his head down]

Bobby: I love you, man.

Jack: [looks up]

Jack: Come on let's go see, Jerry.

Jack: [in regards to Sofi honking the horn outside the lawyers house that the brothers broke into] Well, shut her up then!

Jack: [crying after being shot] BOBBY!

Bobby: [pinned down on the porch] Jack!

Jack: [crying] BOBBY!

Jeremiah: Jack!

Jack: Bobby, take it easy.

Bobby: Shut up Jack.

Jeremiah: [lifts kids silver necklace] What is this? Aluminum?

Jack: Shit doesn't even spin.

[Jack, Jeremiah, Bobby and Angel are talking to a lawyer about their inheritance]

Jack: How much do we get?

[Bobby smacks him in the back of the head]

Bobby: [as Jeremiah exits the car] Want to take Cracker Jack with you?... He's flexible.

Jack: Bobby, you're the one who took ballet.

Jack: [pointing to the killer] There he is.

Bobby: Where?

Jack: [pointing] Right there! The guy with the goatee!

Bobby: [pulling Jack's hand down] I see him Jack. Put your hand down!

Bobby: Get him, Jackie-O!

Jack: [shoots at the car twice and misses]

Bobby: You go, girl!

Bobby: You got a gun?

Angel: I flew in.

Bobby: [hands him a gun] Be careful with my baby.

Angel: Ooh...

Bobby: You like that?

Angel: You got ammo?

Bobby: Yeah, it's loaded, little brother. Be careful.

[to Jack]

Bobby: Here, you carry the gas can.

Jack: We're gonna do that gas thing?

Bobby: [mocking him] Yeah, we're gonna do the gas thing. The only thing that scares people more than getting burnt to death is getting eaten alive. Let's go.

Bobby: [starts to close the trunk]

Jack: Wait, what do I get?

Bobby: you coming with us? oh

[Bobby hands him a crowbar]

Bobby: Here you go, sweetheart, poke 'em with that.

Jack: [insulted] Thanks.

Reggie: Jack... Tell me a story.

Jack: Fuck you!

Reggie: Oh, that's one of my favorites.

Reggie: You said bullshit and experience is all it takes, right?

Jack: Right.

Reggie: Come on in and experience some of my bullshit.

[In Chinatown, Jack and Reggie start arguing]

Jack: This sucks! A maniac gets ahold of my gun and runs all over the streets killin' people with it. So, instead of bein' where I oughta be, home in bed with my gal givin' her the high hard one, I'm out here doin' THIS shit: roamin' around the streets with an overdressed, charcoal-colored loser like you.

Reggie: Look, man, if you don't like it, why don't you just leave? I can take care of Ganz by myself, all right?

Jack: Heh, don't make me laugh. You can't take care of shit. You been dickin' me around since we started this turd hunt! The only thing you're good for is GAMES. So far, what I got outta you is nothin'!

Reggie: Yeah, well, I'm real impressed with you too, man. It takes a real-skilled cop to kick in the bedroom door of a couple of dykes!

Jack: Luther knows more and he told me and so do you. I wanna know what the fuck this is all about! I gave you 48 hours to come up with somethin' and the clock's runnin'!

Reggie: Yeah, well, maybe I don't like the way you asked me, all right?

Jack: Who GIVES a goddamn what YOU like? You're just a crook on a weekend pass! You're not even a goddamn NAME anymore! You're just a spearchucker with a number stencilled on the back of his prison fatigues! And I'm through fuckin' around. You tell me the truth or you're gonna get the living shit beat outta you.

Reggie: Oh, you're gonna kick MY ass now? I think you lost your mind, Cates. Just put your gun back in your holster and get in the car and let's go. I'm serious. I'm not in the mood and I'm just gonna end up fuckin' you up out here and it's gonna be an embarrassment to you and the police force.

Jack: Let me explain one thing to you, nigger: I fight DIRTY!

[punches Reggie; the two start fist-fighting]

Jack: Class isn't something you buy. Look at you, you've got on a 500-dollar suit and you're still a low-life.

Reggie: Yeah, but I look good.

[Jack and Reggie enter the country and western bar]

Reggie: Not a very popular place with the brothers.

Jack: My kinda place. I always liked country boys. They're sure as hell don't like you.

Jack: You switch from an armed robber to a pimp, you're all set.

Reggie: a-HA, HA... hooo!

Jack: Hammond! You tell me what this is all about or you and me are going at it again. I wanna know what this is about between you and Ganz.

Reggie: Look I've been waiting for a lot of money for a long time, man.

Jack: How much money?

Reggie: Half a million dollars. Starting to get the picture now? You're on the wrong side of the law and order track here, Jack.

Jack: Just tell me about the god damn money.

Reggie: Me and Ganz hit a dealer during a sale. It's the kind of money nobody reports stolen.

Jack: So he's after your money.

Reggie: You know you're a real smart cop, Jack. So how much you want, huh? Half?

Jack: Not likely, convict.

Reggie: Oh, I can't have none of it now, huh?

Jack: I believe in the merit system so far you ain't earned any points, boy.

Reggie: [Southern drawl] Oh well I'll be real good from now on, Massa Cates!

Jack: Just tell me where the god damn money is.

Reggie: In the trunk of my car.

Jack: Right, convict.

Reggie: Forget this man, we ain't brothers, we ain't partners, and we aint' friends and if Ganz get's away with my money you're gonna be sorry you ever met me!

Jack: I'm already sorry.

Reggie: You gonna write my life story?

Jack: Not likely, Reggie. Tell me who this is.

[shows Reggie a photo of a guy with a bullet in his head]

Reggie: That's Henry Wong, old friend of mine. He's looked BETTER. Look, man. I been in this goddamn cell for two and a half years and I'm getting out in six months. I ain't doing nothing to fuck myself up. But if you came here to find out something from me: You've come to the wrong person, 'Cause I don't FUCK my old friends over, man!

Jack: That's too bad, Reggie. I thought maybe you were a smart boy. But I guess if you were real smart: you wouldn't be a convict. I guess a raider like you would be no match like Ganz.

Reggie: Ganz?

Jack: Right.

Reggie: Ganz is gonna be here two years after I get out.

[Ganz is holding Reggie hostage, using him as a human shield]

Ganz: Hey, cop! Come here! I got something for you!

[Jack comes out]

Jack: You're not gonna make it.

Ganz: What are you talkin' about? I got your gun! I got the money! I got everything!

Reggie: Take aim, man, and blow his fucking brains out!

Ganz: Bullshit! He ain't gonna try it! Right, cop?

[Jack shoots Ganz, throwing him off Reggie]

Reggie: Are you crazy, man? I was just bluffing!

Jack: Is Luther part of the gang?

Reggie: What gang you talkin' 'bout, Jack?

Jack: Hey, I can read a police file, shit-head. Quit calling me Jack.

Reggie: It's just an expression, all right? I don't mean nothin' by it.

Jack: I don't give a damn. It happens to be my name.

Reggie: What the hell you complainin' for? At least nobody callin' you shit-head.

Jack: I may call YOU worse than THAT.

[after Reggie has gotten laid]

Jack: So, how was it?

Reggie: I'm not goin' in for all that macho shit, Jack. I was great. Should have my dick bronzed.

Elaine: You know, if you let me come over to your place once in a while you could put on a clean shirt in the morning.

Jack: What makes you think I got any clean shirts in my place?

Jack: Tell me where Ganz is.

Luther: Ganz? I haven't seen him for years.

Jack: Look, asshole, you just took a shot at me. I think you know something.

Luther: Yeah? Well, who gives a FUCK what you think?

Ganz: [looking at where Jack just shot him] I don't believe it... *I* got shot!

Jack: [stone faced] You're done, end of story...

Jack: All right, where's the goddamn car?

Reggie: Be cool man, the car is parked.

Jack: For three years?

[shouts]

Jack: Bullshit!

Reggie: Bullshit? I'll let you in on a little secret, Jack... you just passed it!

Reggie: You know speaking of moaning, my stomach is starting to growl. We better go get something to eat.

Jack: We eat when I say we eat!

Reggie: Now that's bullshit, that's the last straw, all right? I want some food now. If you don't like it, you can take me to the penitentiary and kiss my hungry black ass goodbye all right? You took me out here, you've been treating me like shit when we first left and I want some food in a nice place, nice atmosphere with some good people and...

Jack: [interrupts] Okay, hold it. I'm hungry, let's go get something to eat. I know a place. All right?

Reggie: All right let's go.

Jack: All right.

Reggie: I want some mandolins and some violins.

Jack: [buys a chocolate bar from a vending machine] There's ya' goddamn dinner!

Reggie: You got a lady, Cates?

Jack: Yeah.

Reggie: You know, the generosity of women never ceases to amaze me.

Reggie: This ain't no god damn way to start a partnership.

Jack: Now, get this! We ain't partners. We ain't brothers. And we ain't friends. I'm puttin' you down and keepin' you down until Ganz is locked up or dead. And if Ganz gets away, you're gonna be sorry YOU ever MET me!

[beat]

Reggie: I'm already sorry.

Reggie: This your car, man?

Jack: Yeah.

Reggie: Looks like you bought this off one of the brothers.

Reggie: Fuckin' bastard.

Jack: That I am.

Jack: What are you smiling at, watermelon? Your big move just turned out to be shit.

Jack: I'm through fucking around. You tell me the truth or you'll get the living shit beat outta you.

Reggie: You're gonna kick my ass now? You're crazy. Let's get in the car, all right? I'm serious. I'm not in the mood. I'll just end up fucking you up and it'll be an embarrassment to you and the police force.

Jack: Let me explain one thing to you, Nigger. I FIGHT DIRTY!

Reggie: This is a police matter and I'm looking for an Indian named Billy Bear. I know everyone in here wants to cooperate with me...

[a guy runs and Cates tackles him]

Reggie: Hey that's not even necessary, alright man? I got the situation in hand.

Jack: [fake southern drawl] Some of us citizens are behind you all the way, officer.

[last lines]

Jack: I need a car. How about loaning me a couple thousand when you get out?

Reggie: What kind of car do you want?

Jack: A convertible. I'm a rag top man.

Reggie: [pause] Deal.

Jack: Good. But even if you do give me the money for a car don't mean shit. If I ever hear that you're crossing the line, I'll bust your ass.

Reggie: Now Jack, the both of us know that I'm gonna be an honest man from now on. Right?

Jack: Good.

Reggie: But if I *did* decide to be a thief, what makes you think you can catch me?

Jack: [pause] Can I have my lighter back, Reggie?

Reggie: [laughs]

Patrol Officer #1: We got a burglary call. Two women reported a couple of hoods busting into their place posing as cops.

Jack: Yeah, I followed a lead, we rousted 'em. Why don't you guys go sweet-talk 'em, straighten it out?

Patrol Officer #1: I've got a better idea, why don't you go do it yourself? We've got better things to do than straighten out your messes.

Jack: I'll file a report tomorrow.

Patrol Officer #1: Yeah? I'm gonna file a report tonight.

Jack: Yeah? Goes with the territory.

Jack: Have fun.

Reggie: I'm gonna have *sex*, Jack.

[en route to Russia]

Cabot: Jack... Jack, what are you doing?

Jack: Oh... I had a date tonight, so I had to call and cancel...

Cabot: Well, don't be stupid! Tell her where you're going. In fact, tell her who you work for. She'll be impressed.

Jack: [to Cathy, over the phone] OK. I work for the CIA, and the Director asked me at the last minute to come with him to Russia with him to do a nuclear arms inspection. Hello?

Cathy: That is so lame.

Jack: No, I swear, it's because of the START treaty, we get to inspect to make sure they're really decommissioning their nuclear arsenal...

[Cathy hangs up]

Jack: Hello... hello?

[Cabot starts laughing]

Jack: Thanks. Thanks a lot.

[last lines]

Anatoli Grushkov: A modest gift got your engagement.

Cathy: He just asked me this morning.

Jack: We, uh, we haven't told anybody. How did you... how could you possibly know?

Anatoli Grushkov: [gives a jovial shrug and walks away]

Bill Cabot: [at the stadium in Baltimore; answers his cell phone] Yeah, this is Cabot.

Jack: [in a helicopter near Baltimore] The bomb is in play! Dylan's called the AFRAT team! They're meeting me at the docks in twenty minutes! We're going to see if we can find it!

Bill Cabot: Docks? What docks?

Jack: Baltimore!

Bill Cabot: You're breaking up! What did you say?

Jack: [static over cell phone] ... altimore!

Bill Cabot: Look, I'm losing you! I'll call you back from...

Jack: BALTIMORE!... Sir?

Bill Cabot: [stands up and takes a long look around stadium, then shouts to the Secret Service agents] John! Reggie! Let's go! Let's go!

[arguing about the Russian President's health]

Jack: I'm just saying Zorkin's putting on weight. Really, I don't know why you guys have to reduce everything to sex. It's just disgusting.

[Jack is negotiating with President Nemerov over the Hot Line]

Jack: Sir, I know you. I know you had nothing to do with the Baltimore bomb, and you sure as hell know you didn't! But you're still about to launch a nuclear strike against us! This no longer has anything to do with Baltimore! Now it's about fear! Our fear of your missiles, your fear of our subs, fear of being weak, fear of making a mistake... the same fear of the other guy that had us build these goddamn bombs in the first place!

Jack: You're gonna pay a disobedience fee of $10,000! Plus another $40,000 to rebuild the bar! And if you wanna see your friend alive again, do not call the cops! If you're not here in half an hour to settle this, I'm gonna take the fine out on your friend's legs! I'm gonna break 'em with this tire iron!

Dudley Frank: Don't bring the money! I'm a computer programmer! I don't need my legs!

Jack: Fine! I'll break his hands!

Dudley Frank: Oh, damn it. Bring the money!

Jack: I knew you assholes the minute I laid eyes on you! Look at the four of you!

Doug Madsen: You don't know us.

Jack: [to Doug] You think I don't know you? You're probably a... podiatrist or an ear-, nose-, and throat-specialist.

Doug Madsen: I wish.

Jack: An orthadontist?

Bobby Davis: Close enough.

Jack: [turns to Bobby] Bobby, guarantee you're hen-pecked! The wife wears the pants!

Bobby Davis: You know my wife?

Jack: [to Dudley] And you, no luck with women. I guarantee you bag your own shit.

Dudley Frank: Wow, you're good. What color am I thinking of?

Jack: Shut up!

[turns to Woody]

Jack: And you, you're the biggest poser of them all... aren't ya, Squinty! Go home!

Jack: Those assholes got balls.

Red: That i'm gonna put them in my mouth and chew on!

Jack: You're gonna put what in your mouth?

Jack: Another Wild Hog!

Dudley Frank: Yep. Yep-er-oonie. That's our little gang.

Jack: [after being confronted by the sheriff and the entire town with makeshift weapons] Well, we'll fight you and the children of the corn too! 'Cause the Del Fuegos don't back down! This is our highway! And we're gonna defend our highway!

Damien Blade: [showing up out of nowhere] Wrong, Jack. It's MY highway.

Jack: [pleasantly surprised] Blade!

Damien Blade: [turns to Maggie] Hi, Maggie.

[she smiles and nods back]

Damien Blade: Hmm... bar burned down.

Jack: Yeah... these posers. These four posers right here.

Damien Blade: Four guys... stand off 50 bikers... and they're the posers.

Jack: Yeah... they burnt down the bar that you built.

Damien Blade: It was a shithole. I insured it for twice what it's worth. The guys did me a favor.

Jack: [contrite] We were just following the code that you wrote.

Damien Blade: Why do you think I don't wear the colors, Jack? Why do you think I ride alone? 'Cause you don't know about it anymore. I think you all oughta get back on your bikes and go out and ride the highway until you remember what riding's all about.

Red: Let it go, Jack.

Jack: [turns to face the four, then to Damien, pats his shoulder] Ok, Pop.

Damien Blade: [shakes his head, smiling] Takes after his mom.

[Jack gets on his bike and leaves, the Del Fuegos follow]

Jack: You're gonna pay a disobedience fee of $10,000, plus another $40,000 to rebuild the bar. If you don't, we're gonna break your friends legs here.

Dudley Frank: Don't bring the money! I'm a computer programmer! I don't need my legs!

Jack: Fine, we'll break his hands!

Dudley Frank: Oh dammit. Bring the money!

Jack: Those assholes got balls!

Red: That I'm going to put in my mouth and chew on.

Jack: You're gonna put WHAT in your mouth?

[Punches Red]

[Woody, Doug and Bobby are surrounded by mean-looking bikers. Woody takes off his shades and narrows his eyes, in a poor attempt to look intimidating. Doug and Bobby do not understand what he is doing, and the bikers are unimpressed]

Jack: Wh... what is that supposed to be? Is he blind?

Doug Madsen: He wasn't when he walked in here.

Jack: Die, motherfucker!

Parker: [points the gun] Do what I say and you won't get hurt.

Jack: [tried to take out gun from holster] Mine's bigger than yours.

Parker: [shoots him in the leg] It's not the size. It's how you use it.

[from trailer]

Jack: I hate cats!

Puss in Boots: That's not what your mama said!

Ohhh Cat: Ooooooohhhhhh!

Jack: We want a complimentary continental breakfast.

Jill: And don't even think of skimping on them baby muffins!

Hotel Owner: [crying to himself] We don't have any baby muffins.

Jack: Computers are your life, aren't they?

Angela: Yes. The perfect hiding place.

[discussing the movie "Breakfast at Tiffany's"]

Jack: When I was about thirteen, I had this sort of identity crisis. I used to think I was one of the characters.

Angela: You thought you were Audrey Hepburn?

Jack: No. I used to think I was the cat.

Angela: So, what's this for?

[showing Jack his gun]

Jack: It's uh... it's for shark fishing.

Angela: Shark fishing... with a silencer?

Jack: Yeah. You certainly seem to know your ordnance.

Angela: Colorado. You grow up with guns.

Jack: God, we're pathetic, aren't we?

Angela: Excuse me?

Jack: Well, we're here. We're sitting on the most perfect beach in the world, and all we can think about is-...

Angela: "Where I can hook up my modem?"

Jack: Yeah, exactly.

[Angela's working on her computer]

Jack: Is that business or pleasure?

Angela: Is there a difference?

Jack: Not a great deal if you're a hacker.

Jack: I reckon you've got to try a few things in life without a safety net. How else are you gonna know you're alive?

Angela: Well, I take my share of risks. Uh-huh. Um, I don't always floss. I rip the tags off my pillows.

Jack: If you'll excuse me, it's, it's time to make the world safe for democracy.

[Angela, who already sent the incriminating info to the FBI at the last second, is approached and caught by Devlin and Marx]

Jack: [shoves Angela over] Get away from the computer. What did think you were trying to do? Save the world?

Angela Bennett: No. Not the world. Just myself.

Jack: Ah, I'm afraid it's too late for that. The offer's been withdrawn.

Angela Bennett: Um, you might wanna look at the screen, because everything on that disk was just sent to the FBI. Everything.

Jack: So?

Angela Bennett: So... proof that the Gatekeeper program has a back door.

Jack: [convinced] My, my.

Angela Bennett: Proof that Bergstrom and Dale's murder were orchestrated by Gregg.

Jack: [to Ruth] Watch her.

Jack: The beauty of the Gatekeeper system is that we can get in and out of the FBI like it's the Public Library. It's a beautiful system.

Ruth Marx: Let's finish the work and get the hell outta here. These people make me nervous.

Jack: No harm done. Everything you done will be wiped out by just escaping the system.

Angela Bennett: [dares Devlin to press the "Escape" button] Really?

[Devlin presses the "Escape" button, not realizing until too late that the virus disk was in the hard drive, causing the virus to devour the mainframe, the Gatekeeper program, and Gregg's "Prateorians" unit]

Ruth Marx: [shocked] Goddamn it, you're in the mainframe. It's eating through Gregg's entire system. Do something!

Jack: Shit!

Ruth Marx: Devlin, It's a virus eating through the Gatekeeper program.

[Angela slips out from their clutches]

Ruth Marx: There's gonna be nothing left. Everything will be destroyed!

[from trailer]

Shoeshine Boy: Y'know, you never see dogs hurting each other for money.

Jack: You never see people sniffing each other's butts.

Shoeshine Boy: Touché.

Jack: It's time to teach you some manners.

Shoeshine Boy: Right. I'm going to learn manners from a guy who pees in my white porcelain drinking bowl.

Dan Unger: Give him a chance. you might get to like him.

Jack: I don't think so. All he does is eat, sleep, and poop!

Dan Unger: Well then, the two of you have a lot in common.

Shoeshine Boy: [starting to speak] Give the dog your food!

Jack: Aaaaaaahhhhh!

Shoeshine Boy: Aaaaaaahhhhh!

Jack: I don't want to get in a bar fight. People are always getting in bar fights. It's such a damn cliche. You hear about it all the time and you see it in the motion pictures, people are getting hit in the head with beer bottles, and furniture, and...

[breaks a bottle over a man's head]

Jack: You got framed. That's what every convict says!

Reggie: Well, what about you, man? They never found that bad guy's gun out at the racetrack!

Jack: That's different.

Reggie: How's it different?

Jack: I'm a cop, you're a crook.

Reggie: Oh, get the fuck outta here! Just 'cause I'm a convict, every thin' that comes outta my mouth is a god damn lie?

Jack: That's right.

Reggie: So it's just Screw Reggie Hammond?

Jack: That's right!

Reggie Hammond: They blew up my car! They blew up my *car*!

Jack: It's a damn shame.

Reggie Hammond: They blew up my car and all you have to say is it's a damn shame?

Jack: No car, no money, you're having a bad day!

Jack: I knew you'd be waiting for me out here.

Reggie: You think I'm happy about being here think again. I'm supposed to have money in my pocket and a new life and the last thing I wanted was to be hooked up to your dumb ass again and you? You're about two steps away from where I was yesterday so you're not running shit. I'm gonna lay it out straight Jack: I don't like you and I don't trust you.

Jack: O.K. cut the bullshit ok? Give me something I can use.

Reggie: The Iceman? The Iceman bought your house.

Jack: Now God damn it! I said cut the bullshit!

Reggie: I can't believe you haven't put this together yet. Me and Ganz robbed a drug dealer, *that* was the Iceman, he's still pissed off about the shit. I see your wheels turnin there. Yes, yes, the man who you've been lookin for bought your fucked up car and put a down payment on your house and you've been riding around in a car that he bought for you lookin for him which makes you the dumbest motherfucker in law enforcement. Get in the car, you've got a bad shoulder and I don't wanna get into a wreck. I, unlike you, have a lot to live for.

Jack: I always wanted a cheuffer, Reg!

Reggie Hammond: Look, Jack, I gave you the money in good faith, you told me I could fucking trust you and now after all this shit I can't get my money?

Jack: Well, you finally got the picture, convict.

Reggie: How much of my money did you spend?

Jack: Oh, about 25 grand. You said I could buy a new car.

Reggie: So where is it?

Jack: This *is* the new car!

Reggie: This looks like the same piece-of-shit sky blue Cadillac you had before!

Jack: Yeah, I bought the same make, model, year, color, everything the same. That's the way I like it. I get attached to things, Reggie!

Jack: [the bartender has launched a tirade against Jack about the police in her bar] Is that enough, or do you wanna bitch some more?

Girl Bartender: [angry] I'm gonna bitch some more!

Jack: Meet Hamilton.

Murphy: I said get a couple of guys, Jack. A couple of guys.

Jack: He is a couple of guys.

John: So, Mark, how do you feel about putting some board breaking into the act?

Mark: Sure, why not?

John: We could write another taekwondo song, and after Tom does one of his guitar solos, we could all break boards. Jack could do a drum solo. How 'bout it, Jack?

Jack: Love to help you write that song, John, but there's no way I'm gonna break any boards in that club. I don't even want us to play there anymore.

John: Why? 'Cause that other band jumped us the other night?

Jack: Yeah... because of Jeff, too. He's in there every night with his damn... gang, selling that stupid cocaine.

Jack: Now we we can finish fixing my whatchamaycallit.

Dr. Angus Schiffron: Gluteus.

Jack: I don't got time for a common nuisance.

The Montana Kid: [in his face] What'd you just call me?

Jack: A nuisance.

The Montana Kid: No, before that, what did you call me?

Jack: Common.

The Montana Kid: Whoa, you just crossed the line.

Jack: [picks him up and moves him]

[McQ has just test-fired a MAC-10 submachine gun, and is putting it inside his leather bag. Jack, the gun shop owner reacts to this]

Jack: You're not going to take it, are you?

Det. Lt. Lon McQ: Just say it's a loan.

Jack: Lon, it's not licensed!

Det. Lt. Lon McQ: Jack, neither am I.

Jack: A nut inside a tomato! What's going on here?

Meia: Jack!

Jack: Jack, Jack, get off my back!

Jack: Federal Agents.

PT: Gun, badge, you know?

Deputy Gil Conaway: I don't care if you're fucking Santa Claus!

PT: Well, hopefully Mrs. Claus is the only one doing that.

Jack: [while pointing a gun to the back of the cop's head] And remember, I have no compunction at all about shooting you in the back.

Jack: Time is of the absolute essence. And it's the only thing you can never get back.

Jack: How the hell are you?

Dominic: Oh, you look pretty good for a dead man Jack.

Jack: You know Dom, knowing you're dead can be a very liberating experience.

Jack: Well you know, taking money from this organization and leaving them alive makes for a very shady future.

Dominic: You fucking ingrate!

Jack: Dominic, don't hurt my feelings.

[first lines]

Jack: And in exchange for this unbelievable opportunity I'm giving you, I will ask each of you for one favor someday. If any here thinks there's even the slightest possible of not returning that favor, they should be out that goddamn door so fast, that their ass catches fire.

Jack: I will not be a pawn any more. I am a king!

Dominic: If only for a day.

[gun fire]

Mifune: Did it all go as planned?

Jack: Well, I would have preferred not to have been shot in the face, but all *ended* as planned.

[last lines]

Jack: [George seeing pregnant couple] Come on George.

Jack: Nah, nah. Me meeting ya here makes me look like a fuckin' snitch. It ain't safe.

Detective Miller: It isn't safe. The word is "isn't". "Ain't", as my Mother used to say, isn't a word.

Jack: I'll beat him with dignity.

Jack: But I still don't understand how your parents can be so... accepting... of the fact that you wanna be a girl.

Nong Toom: They know it's my karma. I did bad thing in past life, so I had to suffer in this life.

Jack: Where did you learn that from?

Nong Toom: In the temple, when I was monk.

Susan Clark: We go down about a mile, there's a side road that cuts through the hills - that'll take us to a Union Road, then it's straight to US101. That way, we can miss all this traffic.

Jack: Another Susan Clark Special Shortcut.

Susan Clark: Listen, this time I have a map.

Jack: Oh, got a map!

Bruce: Oh great, last time she only had a hunch.

Jack: Real nice, uh, shortcut, Susan. I like the cows. I especially like the bumps.

Susan Clark: Now, Jack, how was I supposed to know this road was going to be bumpy?

Jack: A big-time newswoman like Barbara Walters, now she would have known. She wouldn't take us on a bumpy road like this.

Susan Clark: Yeah, well Barbara Walters wouldn't be working with you two.

[Bruce and Jack groan mockingly]

Susan Clark: Yeah, all right.

Jack: The story here in the "Herald Examiner" says that Harlan was a nice guy.

Bruce: Hmph, well I guess you can't believe everything you read nowdays!

Harlan Hollis: Thanks, guys.

[Harlan running late for premiere]

Susan Clark: Maybe something's happened to him.

Jack: Hey, don't even think that! He's wearing my suit, all right?

Jack: Wow! THAT was a major buzz kill!

[after killing Hanson the zombie]

Tiffany: [in helicopter as it lifts off in a tropical storm] Can you fly in this?

Jack: What?

Tiffany: Can you fly in this?

Jack: No.

Tiffany: Wonderful.

Dr. Dawn Porter: [hiking through jungle to escape the komodo] When the winds are right, it can smell carrion from up to four miles away.

Drake: What's carri-on?

Jack: Luggage.

Tiffany: Wonderful.

Jack: [after they accidently kill his brother, Glen] You're going to jail

Bobby: Can't go to jail man

[hits Jack with a baseball bat]

[first lines]

Helen: [lights up a cigarette]

Ashley: Dad, could you pull over...

Jack: Why?

Ashley: I need some air.

Helen: Oh, Ashley, if it bothers you, you should have told me, I would have waited.

Ashley: It doesn't bother me, I just can't handle it every three seconds.

Helen: Well, I don't think I smoke every three seconds.

Cliff: Come on you pussy!

Jack: Pussy? I don't think so...

Cliff: [sees on coming train]

Jack: Everybody calm down

Summer: You calm down!

Jack: I am calm. You're the one who's shouting.

Summer: So there's a whole town with people like you?

Jack: [pause] There was.

Summer: And none of you could go out during the day?

Jack: Kinda comes with the territory of being a nightwalker.

Lance: Nightwalker?

Jack: Aha.

Viper: Sounds so much better than "vampire". "Vampire" makes us sound like a bunch of blood-thirsty ghouls.

[Lance was just about to say something]

Viper: Don't you even say it! I'm not in the mood.

[first lines]

Jack: It's such a long way down, it's strange. The word becomes - flesh? The body remains... what? She had traveled light years to get here. And in the vaporous fields of her home star no one had bodies, or names, or identity. A living thought or feeling, stretching out in all directions. Not measured but desired, elegant. But here, in the flesh, the revolution had come.

Jack: There was a dictatorship of the consumer now. What most people wanted most of the time, and were willing to pay for, was good. Whatever defied the logic of the market was bad. Automatic world. Disposable income was the chief revolutionary virtue. Everyone had what they wanted, always. As long as they did their part and threw themselves, body and soul, towards the aim of economic supremacy.

Jack: Acts of love, charity, and eroticism for their own sake were soon seen as perverse self-indulgences. Inhumane, uncivilized, barbaric.

Cecile: The feeling is the whole approach could be more, well, sexy. Much more provocative.

Jack: The children's wear account...

Abercrombie: Kids and not just children Jack, they're consumers.

Jack: It was a culture of desire. You had to want in order to be wanted. And you had to be wanted in order to survive.

Jack: What do you call yourself?

The Girl From Monday: Nobody.

Jack: Because of the high incidence of handgun-related violence in school, only convicts were assigned teaching positions.

Jack: Although everything imaginable was on the web, certain texts had disappeared. Though interactivity and equal access to information were the cornerstone of the revolution's rhetoric, no one seemed to notice, or at least feel, the loss of expression officially deemed malcontent, antisocial, and sinful. I knew. I was the architect of the agency's demographics and target marketing programs. The people were our targets, and we listened to their language, we monitored their dreams, we took note of every choice they made in cyberspace, we studied their buying motives and propensities, then created messages that perfectly reflected their existing emotional states. No one could hide. Triple M could recognize any citizen as soon as they turned on their computer. The web would dynamically reconfigure itself to suite an individual. Something you could hold in your hand, read on your own, think about in private - this was considered elitist, immoral, and bad for business.

Jack: It's how it starts - getting involved, with people, caring about them, mutual dependency - that kind of thing. Love, eventually there's no escape.

[last lines]

Jack: I'll never know if she made it. But I hope... and I try... to resist. Even me, whom no one needs pity, even I can see this... now. What humans do - trying.

Wes: Sheriff!

Sheriff: Yessir.

[indicates a wanted poster depicting hooded bandits]

Wes: Who are they?

Sheriff: Not much to know about them 'cept for their hoods. They've been robbing banks all across the state of Texas since the war.

Wes: Well, they hit Twin Forks a couple days back.

Jack: Yeah, Sam Sheppard's dead, Ben.

Wes: They killed him and his whole posse.

Sheriff: [grimacing] Damn! They're good.

Wes: I figure if they ain't here yet, they're comin'.

Sheriff: You boys got any good news for me?

Billy: Well, hell, Sheriff - we're here!

Jack: So, Wes... do you think there's any chance in hell she's gonna let you take her in?

Syl: Well, she coulda killed him... She didn't.

Jack: If I go after her again, she's gonna have to kill me.

Syl: Well then, why go after her?

Wes: I gotta see this thing through. How we end it's up to her. You don't have to come along, Syl... Any of ya.

Syl: No, I'm comin'. I have to.

Jack: Me?

Wes: Yeah.

Jack: Well, I had to kill a fifteen-year-old girl. Even if I never understand why I had to do that, I still got to look her mother in the eye.

Wes: Billy?

Billy: They're outlaws... no different from Packer and his crowd. Hell, we went after them for a lot less reason.

Wes: All right then.

Jack: [after sex with Widow] My heart, my heart... Your first husband died of his ulcer, right?

The Widow: First husband? No, I ain't ever been married.

Jack: How's that possible?

The Widow: I guess cuz I slaved away for the same old bitch since I was 5, The Widow Wilson. Widow Wilson's me, but no, I ain't ever had no real name.

Jack: What about Janie?

The Widow: Janie? Widow had a brother. Janie's a sweetheart, she deserves better than this... aw well, who doesn't?

Jack: Who is that, Captain?

Captain Hook: It's Peter Pan. Has it been three days? 'Tis true, Peter, time does fly. And so do you, I see.

Rufio: [after getting stabbed by Captain Hook] Do you know what I wish?

Peter Pan: What?

Rufio: I wish I had a dad... like you.

Jack: [tearfully] Oh, Dad, I'm sorry.

Peter Pan: Jack, Maggie, all you have to do is think one happy thought, and you'll fly like me.

Maggie: Mommy.

Jack: My dad, Peter Pan.

Maggie: [after Peter rescues her and Jack from Captain Hook] Daddy, let's go home, please? He's just a mean old man without a mommy.

Jack: Yeah, dad, let's go. He can't hurt us anymore.

Wendy Darling: What is this?

[she points to Jack's baseball mitt]

Jack: Oh, it's a baseball glove. You can catch things with it, take hot things out of the oven, or you can even hit your sister with it.

[holding up a sign reading "Run Home Jack"]

Pirates: Run home, Jack! Run home, Jack!

Jack: "Run home, Jack."

Captain Hook: Smee, no, no, no! They've got it backwards! Tell them to turn it around!

Jack: Maggie?

Smee: Switch!

[the pirates fix the sign to read "Home Run Jack." They read it]

Pirates: Home run, Jack! Home run, Jack! Home run, Jack!

Jack: [hearing Maggie singing "When You're Alone"] Mum sang that song.

[in the Museum where all clocks are destroyed. Hook hands Jack a hammer to destroy his father's watch]

Captain James Hook: You know you want to. Give it a try. Go on.

Jack: This is for... never letting me blow bubbles in my chocolate milk!

[smashes his father's watch]

Captain James Hook: Good form! Bravo!

[claps]

Smee: Isn't that wonderful?

Jack: This is for never letting me jump on my own bed!

[smashes another clock]

Captain James Hook: Make time stand still, laddie.

Jack: For always making promises and breaking them!

[smashes another clock]

Jack: For never doing anything with me.

[smashes another clock]

Captain James Hook: For a father who's never there, Jack? Jack, for a father who didn't save you on the ship.

Jack: [starts to cry] Who wouldn't save us...

Captain James Hook: Who *couldn't* save you, Jack.

Jack: [tearfully] Well, he - he wouldn't. And he didn't even try. He was there and we were there and he wouldn't try.

[pulls his cap down as he cries]

Captain James Hook: [pulls his cap up] Jack... he will try. And the question will be: When the time comes, do you want to be saved? Now, don't you answer now. No, no, no, no, no. Now it's time to be whatever you want to be. Put behind you any thoughts of home; that place of broken promises.

Jack: That what?

Captain James Hook: Have I ever made a promise, Jack... I have not kept?

[gives him a baseball]

Captain James Hook: Have I, son?

Maggie: [gets up and grabs Captain Hook's hook] I wanna tear your hook off!

Captain Hook: [looks from Jack to Maggie] Easy.

Maggie: I hate... I hate you, Mr. Hook!

Captain Hook: [laughs] What did I tell you, Smee? No little children love me.

Smee: Yes, they do. Come on, you.

[grabs Maggie]

Smee: You're depressin' the Captain.

Maggie: Jack, you listen to me! Never let him make you forget! Never forget mommy and daddy!

Jack: Maggie.

Maggie: Think of a way to run home, Jack! Run home!

Jack: Run home?

Captain Hook: Jack.

[puts his hook in front of his face; Jack's eyes widen a bit]

Captain Hook: You are home.

[laughs]

Captain Hook: Right?

Peter Banning: Jack, my word is my bond.

Jack: Yeah, junk bonds!

[he hits the ceiling door in the plane with his ball, and causes the oxygen masks to drop down and scare Peter half to death]

Peter Banning: What in the hell's the matter with you? When are you gonna stop acting like a child?

Jack: [laughs] I am a child.

Peter Banning: Grow up.

Peter Banning: [Jack is angry at his Dad and tossing his baseball to the ceiling and catching it] Will you stop doing that? You could break a window.

Jack: They're double-layered, you can't break 'em.

[he demonstrates his point by banging his ball against the glass]

Peter Banning: [confiscating the ball] Give me that!

Jack: [in disbelief] You're afraid of getting sucked out!

Peter Banning: [defensively] No, I'm not!

Jack: [insisting] Yes, you are. You're afraid of getting sucked out.

Peter Banning: [while the children are running around making a noise, shouting into the phone] Wait a minute. You're telling me a 10-inch owl has a 50-mile mating radius? Why don't they just fornicate someplace else? What, a five billion dollar deal falling apart because of this? Why doesn't somebody just shoot me in the head?

Jack: [making a gun gesture with his hands] Bang, bang!

Peter Banning: [abandoning call, shouts] Will everybody just shut up!

Jack: [backing away in fright] I'm sorry.

Peter Banning: And leave me alone for one moment! Moira, get 'em outta here, will you? I'm on the phone call of my life!

Moira Banning: [exits Maggie and Jack] Come on, Jack, come on. Out, out out.

[Hook hangs Maggie and Jack from a net atop the mast]

Captain Hook: I'll make you a deal, Mr. Chairman-of-the-Board. Fly up there and touch the outstretched fingers of your frightened children, and I'll set them free.

Peter Banning: I can't fly!

Captain Hook: Come on, explode out of there! Stop the charade! Free you children!

Maggie, Jack: Help, daddy!

Captain Hook: [Peter whispers to Hook's ear] I beg your pardon?

Peter Banning: [inaudible whisper] I have a real problem with heights.

Captain Hook: You must be joking.

[he laughs]

Captain Hook: Peter Pan has a real problem with heights!

[Hook and the other pirates burst out laughing]

Peter Banning: I'm not Peter Pan.

[Peter and Hook are dueling]

Peter Banning: Good form, old man.

[Hook traps Peter and grinds his hook near his face]

Captain Hook: You know you're not really Peter Pan, don't you? This is only a dream. When you wake up, you'll just be Peter Banning, a cold, selfish man who drinks too much, who's obsessed with success, and runs and hides from his wife and children!

Too Small: I believe in you.

Latchboy: I believe in you.

No Nap: I believe in you, Peter.

Maggie: I believe in you.

Thud Butt: You are the Pan.

Jack: You're Peter Pan.

Tinkerbell: I believe in you... Peter Pan.

[Peter pushes Hook off and returns his sword. As Hook takes it, he slices Peter's arm with his hook]

Jack: Bad form!

Ace: Jack, stop!

Jack: Magic what type of magic?

Baker's Wife: Tell him.

Baker: Magic that, uh, defies description.

Jack: [singing] And you scramble down, and you look below at the world you left, and the things you know. The roof, the house, and your mother at the door.The roof, the house, and the world you'd never thought to explore. And you think of all of the things you'd seen. And you wish that you could live in-between. And you're back again, only different than before.

Princess Lily: Are you afraid to kiss me, Jack?

Jack: I'm afraid you'll break my heart.

Princess Lily: Then still your heart, for you are dear to me as life itself.

Jack: I... I must be dreaming...

Honeythorn Gump: If life is a dream, better you dread the waking!

Meg Mucklebones: What a fine fat boy you are, Jack!

Jack: You don't really mean to eat me, do you, ma'am?

Meg Mucklebones: Oh, indeed I do!

[cackles]

Jack: That would be a shame because someone as fair and lovely as yourself, Miss Meg, deserves far better than scrawny me. Don't you think?

Meg Mucklebones: Think me fair, do you, Jack?

Jack: All the heavenly angels must envy your beauty.

Meg Mucklebones: [cackles] What a fine meal you'll make, be the rest of you as sweet as your tongue!

[cackles]

[repeated line]

Jack: I trust you, Lily.

Jack: How do you know my name?

[cranes head away in annoyance from Oona, who is buzzing around his head]

Jack: Stop it! Go away!

Honeythorn Gump: I know everything, Jack. Yet I do not understand what has happened today. Suppose you tell me, Jack? You know these woods as well as any elf. Did you not see something odd today, any strange spirits? Did nothing untoward happen?

Jack: I took Lily to see the unicorn...

Honeythorn Gump: [In outrage] You did WHAT?

[the other elves chatter noisily]

Honeythorn Gump: SILENCE!

[They hush]

Jack: [solves the riddle] Flowers...? Bluebells! To hear them ring, it means your life is at an end!

Jack: What did he say?

Peter: He said the train is lost.

Jack: How can a train be lost? It's on rails.

Rita: What's wrong with you?

Jack: Let me think about that. I'll tell you the next time I see you.

Peter: I like how mean you are.

Jack: The characters are all... Thanks.

Jack: I wonder if the three of us would've been friends in real life. Not as brothers, but as people.

Francis: [Francis and Peter are beating each other up] You don't love me!

Peter: Yes I do!

Jack: I love you too, but I'm gonna mace you in the face!

Jack: Wouldn't it be great if we heard a train go by in the distance?

Peter: Not really.

Francis: It'd probably be annoying.

Jack: You wanna read a short story I wrote in France?

Francis: How long is it?

Jack: What?

Francis: How long is it?

Jack: How long is it? Never mind. Forget it.

Jack: Which direction did your's go?

Francis: What do you mean?

Jack: Your feathers... mine blew toward the mountains

Francis: That's not right. It's not suppose to get blown away. You're suppose to blow on it then bury it.

Peter: I didn't get that. I still have mine.

Francis: You guys didn't do it right. I asked if you read the instructions. You did it wrong... I tried my hardest. I don't know what to do.

Peter: I don't think Dad would've hated it.

Peter: What about our snake?

The Chief Steward: It's dead.

Peter: He killed it?

Jack: It's got to be against his religion or something.

[repeated line]

Jack: Stop including me!

Jack: Do you want to go in the bathroom and smoke a cigarette with me?

Francis: You're the two most important people in the world to me. I've never said that before, but it's true, and I want you both to know it. I love you, Peter

Peter: Thank you.

Francis: I love you, Jack.

Jack: I love you, too.

Francis: How did it get to this? Why haven't we spoken in a year? Let's make an agreement.

Peter: To do what?

Jack: Okay.

Francis: A: I want us be become brothers again like we used to be and for us to find ourselves and bond with each other. Can we agree to that?

Peter: Okay.

Peter: Yeah.

Francis: B. I want us to make this trip a spiritual journey where each of us seek the unknown, and we learn about it. Can we agree to that?

Jack: Sure.

Peter: I guess so.

Francis: C. I want us to be completely open and say yes to everything even if it's shocking and painful. Can we agree to that?"

[Peter and Jack cock their heads and look at each other. Francis simply continues]

Francis: Now, I had Brendan make us an itinerary

Peter: Who's Brendan?

Francis: My new assistant. He's gonna place an updated schedule under our doors every morning of all the spiritual places and temples that we need to see and expedite hotels and transportation and everything.

Rita: [while making out] Your crazy! What's your name?

Jack: Jack, what's yours?

Rita: Rita.

Jack: You're beautiful.

Rita: Don't come into me.

Francis: I only remember certain details, but from what I've been able to reconstruct, it was raining, I was going about 50 miles an hour as I went into a corner, did some wrong steering, wheels went out from me, and suddenly, "Whoo", skidded off the road, slammed into a ditch and got catapulted 50 feet through the air. Little particles of glass and debris were stinging my face as I flew. And for a second, there was just total silence. Just... Then BAM! The bike crashed to the ground, exploded and caught on fire, and then I smashed into the side of a hill with my face. I was driving home. I live alone right now. Anyway, two joggers ran up and started digging out all the dirt that was jammed inside my mouth and my nose and my ears. My brain had stopped, and my heart had stopped, so technically I was dead at this point. They did all the procedures exactly right, as a result of which I'm still alive.

Jack: Boy.

Peter: Wow.

Francis: The first thing I thought of when I woke up was, I wish Peter and Jack were here.

Francis: I guess I've still got a lot of healing to do.

Jack: Gettin' there, though.

Peter: Anyway, it's definitely going to add a lot of character to you.

Jack's Ex-Girlfriend: Whatever happens in the end, I don't want to lose you as my friend.

Jack: I promise I will never be your friend, no matter what, ever.

Jack's Ex-Girlfriend: If we fuck, I'm gonna feel like shit tomorrow.

Jack: That's okay with me.

Jack: I think he's still in mourning.

Francis: Well I probably still am too.

Peter: I can't believe you just said that.

Francis: Why not? It's the truth.

Jack: He didn't really mean it.

Alice: I think you're all equally grief-stricken. Let's just leave it at that.

Francis: [after Jack comes back from having sex with Rita] Where are the savory snacks?

Jack: What?

Francis: [pause] Did you just fuck that Indian girl?

Peter: [upon discovering that Jack's ex-girlfriend left her perfume in his suitcase] Could she be gaslighting you?

Jack: What's gaslighting?

Jack: [about Francis] What do you think he looks like under all that tape and everything?

Peter: Well, I don't know about his face, but I think his brain might be pretty traumatized.

Rita: [crying] I've got to get off this train.

Jack: Thanks for using me.

Rita: You're welcome.

Patricia: It's over.

Jack: Not for us.

Elmont: Fear of heights?

Jack: Fear of falling.

Elmont: Well then don't fall!

Elmont: This is a terrible idea.

Jack: Have you ever killed a giant before?

Elmont: And you've killed, what, one? Which makes you an expert now?

Jack: Am I dead?

Elmont: Not just yet.

Jack: There's something behind me, isn't there?

Isabelle: Is this your farm?

Jack: Yes. No. Sort of. My uncle and I are tenant partners. We just work the lands.

Isabelle: And, uh, these books?

Jack: Yeah, they... they're mine.

Isabelle: It's unusual for a farm boy.

Jack: Judging by the cover, are we?

Isabelle: What do you like reading?

Jack: I like a good adventure.

Isabelle: In books or in life?

Jack: Until I can find a way to get off this farm, I have to settle for books.

Isabelle: And, uh, that mark on your face, was that an adventure?

Jack: Um, I got in a fight today. At the market.

Isabelle: What about?

Jack: I was defending the honor of the princess.

Isabelle: Princess? Really? You sure you didn't read that in one of your books? How did you know it was the princess?

Jack: I didn't. I just saw she needed help. It wasn't until the guardians showed up that I realized who she was. Anyway, it happened really fast. I wouldn't blame her if she didn't remember me. What are you running away from?

Isabelle: Who says I'm running away from anything? Maybe I'm running toward something. Just looking for an adventure of my own.

Jack: Well, so far you've run toward the light on my porch... Your Highness.

Isabelle: If I hadn't run away, none of this would have happened. A princess is such a useless thing.

Jack: If you hadn't run away, Roderick would have taken over the kingdom with no warning. Your running away just might have give Cloister a fighting chance. So no one's useless, least of all the princess. That's why we need to get you back, because one day you'll be the queen. From then on you'll have the power to make the world a better place. Isabelle... imagine all the good things you could do.

Isabelle: [touched] That's what my mother used to say.

Jack: I've got an idea.

Elmont: What?

Jack: I'm gonna wake a sleeping giant.

Elmont: Well, that doesn't seem like a good idea.

Isabelle: You know, for someone who's not wildly keen on heights, you're doing awfully well.

Jack: Yeah, I've been doing a little trick Crawe taught me.

Isabelle: What's the trick?

Jack: Picture something just ahead of you within arm's reach.

[helps Isabelle down so she is within arm's reach]

Jack: Something that makes you happy.

Isabelle: Sounds easy enough.

Jack: It really is.

Elmont: Well, she's not in the house. This is the only other place she could have gone.

Crawe: If she climbed down, we would have seen her.

Elmont: [notices a footprint in the mud] She didn't climb down. She climbed up.

Roderick: Why would she do that?

Crawe: If she were cold.

Elmont: Or hungry.

Jack: [to himself] Or looking for an adventure.

Jack: Matching armor. Nice. You look beautiful.

Isabelle: Thank you.

Jack: They're waiting for you. But...

[Jack grabs his book from his pocket and gives it to Isabelle]

Jack: To remember me by.

[Isabelle looks at it, but does not take it]

Isabelle: I won't need any help remembering.

Jack: Isabelle, hold on tight.

[grabs a liana he has cut in the giant tree]

Jack: Ready?

Isabelle: No...

Jack: JUMP!

[they jump from the falling tree, hanging on to the liana. They swing around the tree before the tree begins to fall alarmingly fast and they are headed for the ground]

Isabelle: Jack, hold me!

[Jack sees a haystack, aims for it and lets go. They hit it, but keep gliding forward in the mud, heading for a sharp farm object. They stop just in the nick of time for hitting it]

Jack: Well, that worked out better than I expected.

Jack: [inside the enormous castle hall] It's just like my place.

Isabelle: [Jack arrives to rescue her from the giants] You're here!

Jack: You sound surprised.

Isabelle: Yeah, well, we're miles up and you're afraid of heights.

Jack: I'm not afraid. Just not wildly keen.

Uncle: [p.o.'d at his nephew for the 'goods' received in trade for his horse] ... I don't ask for much... In return for all those years I put food in your belly; clothes on your back; a roof over your head... So what do I have to show for it?... Beans!

Jack: I'll, I'll take them to The Abbey tomorrow and we'll tell the monks what happened!

Uncle: You believe that story?

Jack: I mean, he was a monk!

Uncle: -Cuz he wore a robe... funny haircut?

Isabelle: You must think I'm very silly.

Jack: No. I just wish that... Well, earlier, at the market...

Isabelle: Thank you... for defending my honor, Jack.

Jack: Anytime. Here, I'll take your coat. And until you find your own adventure...

Isabelle: [receives a book from Jack] "The Giants of Gantua."

Jack: My father used to read that to me.

Isabelle: That was always my mother's job.

Jack: I hope you find what you're looking for, Your Highness.

Isabelle: Call me Isabelle.

Jack: Isabelle.

Sarah: Well, Jack, maybe a dog fight near a cheese farm is simply a dog fight near a cheese farm.

Jack: [Excitedly] AH! Okay... That's good. That... is very... good! Maybe I should adopt a more conservative attitude instead of trying to tickle meaning out of every curve in the road. Oh, Christ... I haven't had an original thought in months! Writer's block...

Jack: [Audrey is reading Jack's letter] Dear Audrey, I miss the shit out of you. Luckily, Debbie is been coming by to cheer me up.

Audrey Griswold: That bitch!

Ellen Griswold: Something that matter, Audrey?

Audrey Griswold: No.

Jack: [voice over in letter] I miss the shit outta you.

[first lines]

Jack: What are your legs?

Archy Hamilton: Springs. Steel springs.

Jack: What are they going to do?

Archy Hamilton: Hurl me down the track.

Jack: How fast can you run?

Archy Hamilton: As fast as a leopard.

Jack: How fast are you going to run?

Archy Hamilton: As fast as a leopard!

Jack: Then let's see you do it!

[first lines]

Jack: [to Archy] Deeper. Come on, deeper, deeper.

Ralph: Someone has to stay behind. Piggy...

Jack: [interrupts] Sure, protect Piggy like you always do.

Ralph: Don't be stupid. What can he do with just one eye?

Jack: We've got to have rules and obey them. After all, we're not savages. We're English! And the English are best at everything!

Piggy: You and your blood, Jack Merridew! You and your hunting! We might've gone home!

Jack: We needed meat.

Piggy: You didn't not to have let the fire go out!

[Jack slaps Piggy across the face making Piggy's glasses fall off]

Piggy: My specs!

Simon: [picks them up] Here. Here they are.

[Piggy puts them on but realizes one of the lenses have cracked and missing pieces]

Piggy: [vengefully] JUST YOU WAIT!

Ralph: You let the fire go out.

Jack: We needed meat.

Piggy: [as the other boys eat] Aren't I having none?

Jack: You didn't hunt.

Piggy: No more did Ralph, no more did Simon.

[Simon offer Piggy food]

Jack: [angrily tosses a piece of pig meat at Simon] Eat, damn you!

Piggy: [as the boys are talking about the beast] I don't believe in no ghosts, ever.

Jack: Who cares what YOU believe, Fatty!

[the boys laugh]

Simon: [looking disturbed] Maybe there IS a beast.

[the boys laugh again]

Ralph: Hear him! He's got the conch.

Simon: What I mean is... maybe, it's only us.

Piggy: Nuts!

[from trailer]

Jack: Be the hero of your own life story.

Alex Rover: Don't hand me that line - I wrote that line!

Jack: You got so much of your mother in you, you know that?

Nim Rusoe: That's a good thing, right?

Jack: Yeah, good. Sure. Unfortunately I could never win a fight with her, either.

[from trailer]

Jack: What are you afraid of?

Alex Rover: Everything!

Jack: No parties while I'm gone!

Rob McLaughlin: How bad is the horse? Go back and put her down.

Jack: She'll hear the shot.

Rob McLaughlin: She'll think its thunder.

Jack: No she won't. Look, Katie's smart. She sees things. Little details most people ignore. The ones that make a difference.

Gus: She'll know it's Flicka.

Rob McLaughlin: I can't let that animal suffer. I'll do it myself.

Katherine "Katie" McLoughlin: Calm down, Flicka.

Nell McLaughlin: You named her?

Katherine "Katie" McLoughlin: Flicka. That is the word, isn't it?

Gus: Oh, yeah. Beautiful um... young girl.

Jack: Well, you got the girl part right.

Jack: Speaking of which, you gonna put your brand on that little schoolgirl this summer?

Nell McLaughlin: You know Jack, we stopped branding our females a few years back. Isn't that right, Rob?

Rob McLaughlin: Kinda miss it, though.

Jack: Well, take it from an expert. Don't let that little Flicka get away.

Nell McLaughlin: The what?

Jack: It means uh... pretty girl or somethin'? It's what Gus calls Katie.

Nell McLaughlin: Oh he does, does he?

Gus: Uh, Flicka is just young girl, innocent. You can see in her face the beauty she will become. I uh-I think its Swedish. My momma use to call my little sister Flicka.

Jack: [to Katie after he finds her sleeping outside at dawn] Maybe you should wash up, or someone might think you slept on the ground all night.

Jack: [Jack finds Katie in the corral taming Flicka] You're not supposed to go in there!

Katherine "Katie" McLoughlin: What's it to you?

Jack: You could get hurt. Besides, it's what your father says.

Katherine "Katie" McLoughlin: How long are you gonna be afraid of my father?

Jack: Um. Forever. And you? Why are you sneaking out here in the middle of the night if you're not scared?

Katherine "Katie" McLoughlin: Because I have to.

Jack: The, I'll let nobody stop you.

Katherine "Katie" McLoughlin: [to Rob about seeing a mountain lion] I don't know where I saw it exactly, but it was there.

Jack: Did you see Sasquatch, too?

Katherine "Katie" McLoughlin: Did somebody ask for your opinion?

[Jack shuts up]

Jack: The moment I saw her, I felt a rumbling like an earthquake devastating my clock. My gears started creaking, my tick-tock racing... I was gasping for breath, my head was spinning, my hands were whirring...

Méliès: How did that feel?

Jack: Wonderful.

Méliès: Well, there you go.

[Karen is pushing Jack to talk to Ben]

Jack: Sorry, your mom went crazy.

[Jack has just killed the giant]

Princess Elaine: You've done it! You've killed the giant!

Jack: It was nothing. I kill a giant every morning before breakfast. Starts my day right.

[Jack is swarmed by well-wishers after being rewarded with a knighthood]

Princess Elaine: It's so hot in here. Would you mind escorting me to the terrace?

Jack: Thank you for rescuing me.

Princess Elaine: You saved my life, remember?

Herald: Hail to Sir Jack! Jack the Giant Killer!

The Crowd: Hail to Sir Jack! Hail to Sir Jack!

Princess Elaine: I think my rescuer has acquired a new name.

[Jack studies the huge medal King Mark gave to him]

Jack: I seem to have acquired more than a new name. It is a great honor. I hope I can be worthy of it.

Princess Elaine: That's my father's way of saying thank you. This is mine.

[Princess Elaine kisses Jack]

Jack: I shall immediately go out and find another giant to slay.

Princess Elaine: Before breakfast?

Boatswain: And where would our royal highness wish us to sail?

Jack: We're going to save the girl!

Boatswain: His majesty can have this blasted tub as soon as we're safe ashore at Cornwall. As for me, I'll not sail in the wake of those accursed witches.

[while treading water in the ocean, Jack and Peter see a boat]

Jack: Ahoy on board!

Peter: Help!

Jack: Ahoy!

Peter: Help!

Sigurd: Strange fish in the sea today.

Pendragon: Welcome to Castle Pendragon.

Jack: I had a sample of your welcome outside.

Pendragon: I must compliment you on your valor, young man. First you vanquish Cormoran, my giant, then you found your way to this island - a feat in itself. Just now you lashed out and destroyed my dragon men with your magic whip - a stroke of genius! A real tragedy to have come so far only to suffer failure.

[last lines]

Peter: She doesn't answer the helm very well.

Sigurd: She will do to get us back to England.

Jack: To England... and home.

Jack: Listen you men, sail for England and you'll all swing from the gallows. Elaine is the royal princess of Cornwall!

Boatswain: Aye, and I'm the Caliph of Baghdad.

Jack: How do I know I can trust you?

Pendragon: [held at swordpoint] Aren't we rather forced to trust each other?

Joe: Where are you living these days?

Jack: Two steps ahead of the finance company.

Jack: [Stopping Princess Margaret from Marrying Tulip] STOP... A Wedding Done by Magic Tricks is no Wedding at all!

Scamper: Who are you?

Louie: That's Jack, they feed him and he watches us.

Jack: It's my job.

Louie: Get another job then! Don't work for these bad men, money's the only thing they care about!

Jack: Yeah haven't you heard I'm a "real ladies man"

Jack: [Watching Quentin eat a bug] Oh narly!

Jack: You don't even know me.

Paige: What are you going to do Jack, rip me off?

Jack: You going camping?

Maxwell: Does it look like I'm going camping?

Paul Rusesabagina: I am glad that you have shot this footage and that the world will see it. It is the only way we have a chance that people might intervene.

Jack: Yeah and if no one intervenes, is it still a good thing to show?

Paul Rusesabagina: How can they not intervene when they witness such atrocities?

Jack: I think if people see this footage they'll say, "oh my God that's horrible," and then go on eating their dinners.

[pause]

Jack: What the hell do I know?

Jack: [after seeing a Tutsi and a Hutu sitting together] They could be twins!

Jack: [after Paul thanks him for shooting footage of the genocide] I think if people see this footage, they'll say Oh, my God, that's horrible. And then they'll go on eating their dinners.

Jack: [walking towards the bus carrying all the whites who are leaving Rwanda while the blacks are left behind] Oh, God, I'm so ashamed!

Samantha: Who am I more? Jackie or Ethel, and you have to pick one. Who Am I more?

Jack: ...Samantha

Jack: Samantha. You're more than the shoes on your feet or the designer dress on your back. You're more than the purse you carry or the money inside. You and I are more than the stuff, more than the things in our lives. Somewhere between our things and our stuff is us. I don't wanna lose us.

Monty Woolley: Cole, he's only an actor but he still may be right. He's tried it 7 times already, the song's a problem.

Cole Porter: The song is not a problem, it's a challenge. Jack! Jack my boy, how can I help you? Ask me anything.

Jack: Write another song.

Cole Porter: Oh God, that cuts me right to the quick. I know it's God awful but it's the best I can do and we open in three days.

Jack: Where do you get your ideas?

Cole Porter: I get them all from a little Chinese man in Poughkeepsie.

Jack: Mr Porter, the song goes so high and so low it's impossible.

Cole Porter: It's not impossible. I wrote this with you in mind, I can sing it and I have a range of three notes.

Jack: [beginning his tale] Back in the mean old days when men were men, dogs were dogs - rougher, harder, brighter, redder...

Jack: Why love, if losing hurts so much? I have no answers anymore: only the life I have lived. Twice in that life I've been given the choice: as a boy and as a man. The boy chose safety, the man chooses suffering. The pain now is part of the happiness then. That's the deal.

Harry: [Jack makes his first public appearance after Joy's death] Well done, Jack. Life must go on.

Jack: I don't know whether it must, Harry, but it certainly does.

Jack: Will you marry this foolish, frightened old man... who needs you more than he can bear to say... who loves you, even though he hardly knows how?

Jack: I love you, Joy. I love you so much. You made me so happy. I didn't know I could be so happy.

Jack: I've always found this a trying time of the year. The leaves not yet out. Mud everywhere you go. Frosty mornings gone. Sunny mornings not yet come. Give me blizzards and frozen pipes, but not this, nothing time. Not this, waiting room of the world.

Jack: We could be so good for each other. 97%.

Bridget: On paper. But falling in love doesn't happen on paper. Sometimes you love a person because of all the reasons they're not like you. And sometimes you love a person just because they feel like home.

Dr. Rawlings: Bridget, how do you want to do this? Epidural?

Jack: No, you can do this. A positive mental attitude is stronger than any drug. Just think away the pain.

Bridget: Bollocks to that. No, I want everything. Gas, air, injections, morphine.

Jack: Bridget, remember your yoga.

Bridget: Fuck yoga!

Dr. Rawlings: Oh, I couldn't agree with you more. It's supposed to relax one, but I just spend the entire time clenching my sphincter in an effort not to fart.

Bridget: I don't know how to, uh, explain. Um... I'm pregnant.

Jack: Wow. Okay. That's so much better than you being mentally unbalanced.

Bridget: What if it's not yours?

Jack: What?

Bridget: What if the baby turns out to be Mark's?

Jack: Well, I mean, it would certainly change things.

Bridget: I would not have let you do that on a second date.

Jack: Why not? You let me on the first.

Jack: And then I would have bought Swedish furniture for us to make. If we can get through this, we can get through anything.

Jack: Come on, buddy. Why are you so angry?

Mark: You know what? I'm really not your buddy. And I don't know about vibes and negative energy or prenatal wind and even less about algorithms. So, I will confess that the laws of attraction are somewhat beyond me. In fact, Bridget defies compehension generally. But despite, or perhaps, owing to the bewildering litany of catasthophes I've witnessed over the last 40 years, I feel I've come to know Bridget rather well, and I've spent those years caring for her very deeply. And that may defy automated reasoning, but there's nothing I can do about it.

Jack: For better or worse, fate has brought us together.

Mark: It wasn't fate, it was condoms.

Jack: What do you mean?

Mark: Those ridiculous dolphin-friendly things from the bottom of Bridget's bag.

Jack: I'm sorry, I have no idea what you're talking about. When Bridget and I got it on, I was... I was not dressed for the occasion.

Jack: Are you in love with him?

Bridget: I have been. In the past.

Jack: And me?

Bridget: I could be on day.

Frank: I think Billy and his girlfriend are playing water polo or something.

Jack: Hey, maybe they're playing Marco Polo. Marco.

Frank: Polo. Jeez, that was a great game.

Veronica Vaughn: You know some people have no will power, no ambition. They just drift through life like lumps of crap.

Jack: What is she talking about?

Jack: What's going on? We have a right to know the truth!

Rumack: [to the passengers] All right, I'm going to level with you all. But what's most important now is that you remain calm. There is no reason to panic.

[Rumack's nose grows an inch long]

Rumack: Now, it is true that one of the crew members is ill... slightly ill.

[Rumack's nose continues to grow longer and longer, à la Pinocchio]

Rumack: But the other two pilots... they're just fine. They're at the controls flying the plane... free to pursue a life of religious fulfillment.

Jack: ...there's gonna be some things that you are going to be able to get, that other people in the office don't get... one of them: Gym membership.

Alison Scott: You want me to lose weight?

Jack: [laughing] No, I don't want you to lose weight!

Jill: No, uh, we can't legally ask you to do that.

Jack: We didn't say lose weight... I might say tighten.

Alison Scott: Tight?

Jack: Tighter.

Jill: Just liked toned and smaller.

Jack: Don't make everything smaller, I don't wanna generalize that way... tighter.

Jill: We don't want you to lose weight, we just want you to be healthy. Y'know, by eating less.

Alison Scott: OK.

Jill: We would just like it if you go home and step on the scale, and write down how much you weigh, and subtract it by like, 20.

Alison Scott: 20.

Jill: And then weigh that much.

Jack: We decided that, we want you to be on camera.

Alison Scott: Oh my god, really?

Jill: I know, I was so surprised too.

Glenda: Now Andie, I hope you know that we expect you to come back here because you have held Ben to his lowest bullshit score since his tonsillectomy and we are thrilled!

Jack: LOWEST!

Andie: Why, were all his other girlfriends bullshit losers?

Glenda: What other girlfriends? You are the first girl he ever brought home! Don't you break his heart now!

Jack: [Jack is introducing Andie to the family] You gotta watch him, he farts like a howitzer. But he's family, what are you gonna do?

Uncle Arnold: Intestinal complication!

Frank: [on the phone with his mother and gets sidetracked by a man mask Jack is making] Enough already, it's a man.

Jack: How would you know?

Frank: Bitch.

Evelyn Hillard: This is your mother you're talking to.

Frank: [interrupting] No, Ma, not you, I was talking about the dog.

Daniel: [Wearing a black wig and speaking with a Spanish accent] I hope you are using Jungle Red, because that is the only color I love.

Jack: Mmm. Matches your lips.

Daniel: God bless you. You know I'm feeling fabulous, because I met this beautiful Cuban. Every night is like the Bay of Pigs.

Jack: Mmm-hmm.

Daniel: I can't lie to you. It's beautiful with him.

Jack: Mmm.

Daniel: I don't know. This will scare the children. Do you think so? I don't know, maybe this is too much for them?

Frank: I think we'll have to go to the next level. Latex.

Jack: It's a full moon...

Jack, David: [remembering the warning they received] Beware the moon...

David: And stick to the road. Oops.

Jack: I vote we go back to the Slaughtered Lamb.

David: Nurse!

Jack: Listen to me!

David: [crying] Nurse!

Jack: The undead surround me. Have you ever talked to a corpse? It's boring! I'm lonely! Kill yourself, David, before you kill others.

[David continues crying]

Jack: Please don't cry.

Jack: Have you tried talking to a corpse? It's boring.

Jack: Now, I'm really sorry to be upsetting you, but I have to warn you.

David: Warn me?

Jack: We were attacked by a werewolf.

David: [putting his hands over his ears] I'm not listening to this!

Jack: On the moors, we were attacked by a lycanthrope, a werewolf. I was murdered, an unnatural death, and now I walk the earth in limbo until the werewolf's curse is lifted.

David: Shut up!

Jack: The wolf's bloodline must be severed; the last remaining werewolf must be destroyed. It's you, David.

Jack: Did you hear that?

David: I heard that.

Jack: What was it?

David: Could be a lot of things.

Jack: Yeah?

David: A coyote.

Jack: There aren't any coyotes in England.

David: The Hound of the Baskervilles.

Jack: Pecos Bill.

David: Heathcliff.

Jack: Heathcliff didn't howl!

David: No, but he was on the moors.

[Appearing for the first time as the undead]

Jack: Can I have a piece of toast?

Dart Player: You made me miss.

Jack: Sorry.

Dart Player: I've never missed that board before.

Jack: [describing his funeral] Debbie Klein cried a lot. So, so, you know what she does? She's soooo grief-stricken, she runs to find solace in Mark Levine's bed.

David: Mark... Levine?

Jack: An asshole! Life mocks me even in death!

Jack: David, you are hurting my feelings!

David: Hurting your feelings? Has it occurred to you that it might be unsettling to see you arise from the grave to visit me?

[first lines]

Truck Driver: That way is Proctor, and over here is the moors. I go this way.

Jack: Thanks for the ride, sir. You have lovely sheep.

Truck Driver: Boys, keep off the moors, stick to the roads. The best to ya...

David: Thanks again.

[then to the sheep]

David: We'll miss you.

David: Bye girls...

David: [sees Jack in bathroom mirror and screams] You're not real!

Jack: Ah, dont be a putz David, come here. A nurse huh.?

David: [close's door] shhh, come on.

[to Jack]

David: what are you doing here?

Jack: I wanted to see you

[picks up Mickey mouse figure; high pitched]

Jack: Hi, David.

David: Put that down! Ok you've seen me now go away.

Jack: I'm sorry I'm upsetting you David, but you don't understand what's going on.

David: I understand all right, you're one of the undead and I'm a werewolf.

Jack: Yes, that's right.

David: Get out of here Jack.

Jack: Tomorrow night's the full moon, you're gonna change you'll become...

David: I know, I know... A monster.

Jack: You gotta kill yourself David, before it's too late.

David: Are you really dead Jack?

Jack: What do you think?

David: I think I've lost my mind i think you're not, I think you're just another part of bad dream.

Jack: You've gotta believe me David.

David: Believe what?, that tomorrow night under the full moon I'll grow hair and fang's and eat people, bullshit!

Jack: Oh goddamnit David please believe me!, you'll kill and make others like me I'm not having a nice time here. You gotta take your own life.

David: I will not accept this, go away!

Jack: This is not pretend David.

David: I will not be threatened by a walking meatloaf.

Jack: There is nothing mediocre about Debbie Klein's body.

Jack: You scared me, you shithead!

Jack: Ah, fuck, David... what IS THAT?

Jack: Those sheep shit on my pack.

Jack: [to the truck driver] You have very beautiful sheep.

Jack: Beware the moon, David.

Jack: Life mocks me... even in Death!

Bruce: [breaking out of a freeze] Hi, Susan!

Grace: Oh, thank you, God.

Bruce: Bruce Nolan here, aboard the Maid of the Mist in fabulous Niagara Falls, New York.

Bruce: First off, let me just add another congratulations to Evan Backstabber - pardon me, Bastard. Baxter, rather. It is good to see what someone with real talent can do when great opportunities are given to them instead of me. Anyway, I'm here with Katherine Hepburn's mom. Tell me, why did you toss the "blue heart of the ocean" jewel over the railing of Titanic? Did you feel bad at all letting Leo DiCaprio drown, while you were safe floating on the big door? Could you have taken turns, or were you just too afraid to freeze your big fat ass off?

Grace: [gasps in disbelief]

Bruce: Hmm. I guess that's how life is, isn't it? Some people are drenched, freezing to death, on a stupid boat, with a stupid hat, while others are in a comfy news studio, suckin' up all the glory. Oh, well. No big deal.

[mashes and discards stupid umbrella hat]

Control Booth Operator: Oh, boy.

Bruce: Oh, look! It's the owner of the Maid of the Mist. Let's have a talk with him, shall we? Come on in here, Bill...

Bill, Ferry Owner: That's all right.

Bruce: No, no, no, no. No, no. Come on, let's have a talk.

Grace: Come on. What are you *doing*?

Bruce: Bill, you've been running the Maid of the Mist for 23 years now. Tell me, why do you think I didn't get the anchor job?

Bill, Ferry Owner: Hey, man, I don't want any problems...

Bruce: [messes his hair] Is it my hair, Bill? Are my teeth not white enough? Or, like the great falls, is the bedrock

[shouts]

Bruce: of my life, eroding beneath me?

[sticking his face into the camera]

Bruce: Eroding, eeeeroding, eeeeerodding.

Jack: Cut the feed. Cut to black.

Control Booth Operator: I'm on it.

Bruce: I'm Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness News. Back to you, fuckers!

Bruce: Maybe I should be more like Evan.

Jack: You don't want to be like Evan, Evan's an asshole.

Bruce: Well I can be an asshole.

Jack: No Bruce, you can't.

[Bruce whacks Jack's sandwich out of his hands]

Jack: You going to pick that up?

Bruce: Yeah I'm sorry.

Jack: There he is, the man of the hour!

Bruce: Bless you, bless *all* of you! Be fruitful... and do long division or something!

Bruce: I needed time to reassess my goals and get in touch with my true self.

Jack: You did that in a day?

Bruce: Imagine what I could do in seven...

Jack: Dude, forget Stainer. All right? I think you could get her back.

Stainer: OK, then why don't you look Kirk in the eyes and tell him that you believe he's gonna end up with Molly. Just tell him that.

Jack: Fine. Kirky, I truly believe that... I mean, I think anything is possible.

Kirk: "Anything is possible"?

Devon: Come on! Like there's a million examples of guys like Kirky ending up with a beautiful woman.

Stainer: Such as?

Devon: Lyle Lovett and Julia Roberts.

Jack: Right. Richie Sambora and Heather Locklear. Then he went on to Denise Richards.

Stainer: All recording artists. Normal rules don't apply to those guys. Kirk, as soon as you record an album and it goes platinum, you can push your meat into any human being you want.

Jack: OK, OK, OK. King Kong and Naomi Watts.

Stainer: They never consummated. Totally platonic relationship.

Jack: Stephen Hawking and his lady nurse.

Stainer: He's the master of space and time. He knows about black holes and shit.

Devon: What about the President of France and that girl that went out with Mick Jagger.

Stainer: He knows about wine. And he has a french accent. He could probably French kiss like a motherfucker.

Devon: Wait a second... The Beast.

Stainer: Who?

Devon: The Beast from Beauty and the Beast. Beast won Beauty's love and he wasn't rich or a recording artist. Though, he did have an amazing voice.

Stainer: OK, Devon, that's a cartoon. But yes, that's one. One out of a million.

Devon: You know what, Stainer? All it takes is one. Man, you... You guys sit here and talk about relationships but the truth is, I'm the only one here that's married. Yeah, and I'm tired of you guys busting my nuggets cause I've only been with one girl. It's cause she was the right girl! That's why I married her! So, Kirky, let me tell you something, if Molly is the right girl, that's all that matters. You just, you stand up. You stand up. You get in front of her. You get right in her grill and you say, "Hey, I am Kirk Kettner, and I am right here, standing in front of you... right here. Here I am." Something like that.

Stainer: Power of love.

Jack: Very... perfect.

Kirk: Beautiful.

Devon: Thank you. I was in debate, junior/senior year. I don't know if you guys remember that.

Kirk: Devon, why would you tell her that I broke up with Molly?

Devon: Cause I thought you had.

Kirk: No. We're just in a sticky wicket.

Stainer: A "sticky wicket"?

Kirk: Yeah. A rough patch. Rough pumpkins.

Stainer: And how many times have you called her?

Kirk: Five.

Stainer: And how many times have you really called her?

Kirk: Seventeen.

Stainer: It's done. Tao of Love.

Kirk: What?

Stainer: That's what I call it. The Tao of Love. You being with Molly defies, like, forces of nature. It's over man.

Kirk: No. It's not over. Frankly, I'm sick of all you guys pretending like you know where I'm coming from. None of you know what I'm going through right now.

Stainer: Tina Jordan does.

Kirk: Who the hell is Tina Jordan?

Stainer: She was my Molly.

Kirk: You never mentioned her.

Stainer: I didn't want to jinx it. But she was perfect. Yeah, perfect. Freckled shoulders. Anyway, two months into it, bam, she dumps me. I shoulda seen it coming too, cause she was a ten. Like a hard ten. I was a six, possibly a seven. Either way, I couldn't cover the spread. The universe spoke and I was depressed for months.

Kirk: That's what that was? You said you had mono.

Stainer: Yeah. Mono of the heart.

Jack: OK, my God, how's your vagina?

Stainer: Shut up, Jack!

Stainer: Okay, anyway... I love Kirky, but let's face it, the guy's a five.

Devon: Stainer, that's just a dirty pool. He's at least a six.

Stainer: A six? Alright you go ahead and pump rainbows into his asshole. I'm just being honest.

Jack: Come on, cut him some slack. Look. Half a point cause he's a nice guy. Right? And he's funny, so that's half a point each. That brings him to six. Devon's right.

Stainer: But he drives a shitbox, deduct a point. Take a point off.

Kirk: Wait, what's wrong with my Neon?

Stainer: Oh, I don't know, except the people who make that car don't even like it. So, we're back to a five.

Jack: Five.

Stainer: Meanwhile, this Molly, is a hard ten. And that five point disparity, that's a chasm. Chasm? Chasm. You can't jump more than two points.

Kirk: Where do you get this shit?

Stainer: Trust me, Kirk. I can't even get a ten.

Jack: [chuckles] Oh. Not even you, huh?

Stainer: I'm a six! OK?

Jack: Bullshit, you're a six. Then what am I?

Stainer: You're an eight.

Jack: OK, you're a six then.

Stainer: But I get a one point bump cause I'm in a band.

Kirk: Stainer, you're in a Hall and Oats cover band. I'm pretty sure that's a deduction.

Stainer: Adult Education is a tribute band. So that puts me back at seven. On a good day, the best I can bag is a nine.

Kirk: What about your crappy car?

Stainer: Artist's exemption. I'm expected to have a shitty car.

Jack: Is there an artist exemption for talking out your ass?

Stainer: Yeah, it's called being a rock star, Jack! Look it up in the dictionary. It's right next to "fuck you!"

Devon: I think this system's ridiculous. All right? If someone really loves you, then you are a ten.

Jack: My God. What are you... Are you Hannah Montanna? Because nothing you are saying right now is of any help to Kirk.

Jack: Is there an artist exemption for talking out your ass?

Stainer: Yeah it's called being a rock star Jack! Look it up in the dictionary next to fuck you.

Kirk: Marnie, I know that we agreed to take some time off and I think that was a great idea. My God. Gave us both a chance to experiment, if you will, and meet all sorts of new and interesting, different people. You did quite a bit more experimenting than I did. A lot more experimenting. You are like a scientist. Beakers... But obviously I'm cool with that, cause the thing is, I think, we're stronger as a result. But here's the thing, Marnie... it's been two years. That's a lot of time off. And I'm ready for some time on. I miss you. I miss us. I got something for you.

[pulls out earring box]

Kirk: What do you think?

Stainer: Aww, man, it's depressing. I mean, it's really depressing. It's horrible to watch you like this.

Devon: I think it's really pretty. How's it work?

[opens box]

Devon: Oh...

Jack: What the hell is that?

Kirk: I got it for Valentine's Day, right before she broke up with me. Stainer, I know you don't like her very much.

Stainer: No, no, I hate her. In fact, the day that you broke up with her, I marked that down in my calendar as a day of rejoicement. I'm gonna celebrate it with a cake with her face on it, but instead of eating it, I'm gonna smash it. OK? You can do a lot better. You deserve a lot better, Kirky.

Kirk: I thank you. But, I've seen what's out there and I don't think it gets any better.

Jack: When have you been out there? When have you left the apartment?

Kirk: I went out on four different dates, with three girls and that guy. I don't know what his intentions were, but it's fine. We had a great conversation. I think he was just looking for a friend.

Jack: Do you know what your problem is, Kirk?

Kirk: What?

Jack: You're a moodle.

Kirk: A moodle?

Jack: A man poodle. Girls, they wanna take you out on a walk. They wanna feed you, they wanna cuddle you, but make no mistake, no girl wants to do the moodle.

Stainer: No one would ever fuck a moodle.

Jack: No, he's right. I'm telling you, if you wanna get Marney back, she has got to believe that from the second she broke up with you, your life has been a non-stop snatch parade.

Devon: Or... you could just be who you are. Why can't that be good enough?

Stainer: [holding earring box] Why don't you just put your fucking balls in here?

Kirk: I've seen what is out there and I don't think it gets any better.

Jack: When have you been out there? When have you left the apartment?

Kirk: I went out on 4 different dates. With 3 girls and that guy... I... I don't know what his intentions were but it is fine. We had a great conversation. He was just looking for a friend.

Stainer: Hey, Kirk, um, my shift doesn't start for another half-hour, but, I was so excited, so uh, I came early.

Jack: Yeah, and it was weird, he said he was really excited, and so he came early.

Stainer: Yeah. Has that ever happened to you? You're so excited about something that, you come early, you know?

Kirk: Jesus Christ Devon, you're Fort Knox over here. Thank you very much.

Annie: Do you like kids?

Jack: On a case-by-case basis.

Annie: Do you know how to make chocolate milk?

Jack: I think I could figure it out.

Annie: Promise you won't kidnap me and my brother and plant stuff in our brains?

Jack: Sure.

Annie: Welcome to earth.

Jack: We have a house in Jersey. We have two kids, Annie and Josh. Annie's not much of a violin player, but she tries real hard. She's a little precocious, but that's only because she says what's on her mind. And when she smiles... And Josh, he has your eyes. He doesn't say much, but we know he's smart. He's always got his eyes open, he's always watching us. Sometimes you can look at him and you just know he's learning something new. It's like witnessing a miracle. The house is a mess but it's ours. After 122 more payments, it's going to be ours. And you, you're a non-profit lawyer. That's right, you're completely non-profit, but that doesn't seem to bother you. And we're in love. After 13 years of marriage we're still unbelievably in love. You won't even let me touch you until I've said it. I sing to you. Not all the time, but definitely on special occasions. We've dealt with our share of surprises and made a lot of sacrifices but we've stayed together. You see, you're a better person than I am. And it made me a better person to be around you. I don't know, maybe it was just all a dream. Maybe I went to bed one lonely night in December and I imagined it all. But I swear, nothing has ever felt more real. And if you get on that plane right now, it'll disappear forever. I know we could both go on with our lives and we'd both be fine, but I've seen what we could be like together. And I choose us.

Annie: They did a pretty good job.

Jack: Who did?

Annie: The aliens, in the mothership. You look just like him.

Kate: [Kate is sitting at a table working on her laptop and eating some chocolate cake when Jack arrives home] Hi honey. How was the game?

Jack: Long, boring, and generally pretty sad. Arnie seemed to enjoy it. Sorta.

[he opens up the refrigerator and looks inside]

Jack: Hey where's that chocolate cake?

Kate: [Kate looks at her plate and back at Jack] Do you mean this chocolate cake?

Jack: [Jack looks at her and shuts the fridge door. He starts walking to her] That's my piece. I was saving it because I got nauseated by that pre-cooked mini-mall rotisserie chicken.

Kate: [eating the cake in a mocking manner] Mmm. Mmm. It's good.

Jack: [points at the cake] Gimme that cake.

Kate: No way!

[He makes a move to reach for it, but she pulls the plate further away]

Jack: Come on.

Kate: I'm sorry. It's too important to me.

[Jack pauses for a moment before quickly reaching for the cake, but Kate quickly grabs the plate and jumps out of her chair, causing Jack to chase her. She playfully leads him into the next room while laughing]

Jack: [Jack surprises her around the next corner by cutting her off and shouting/singing] Ta-daah!

[she playfully runs to the staircase where she lies facing up at him]

Jack: I want that cake!

Kate: [laughing] You want this cake?

Jack: [playing along] I want it!

[she smashes the cake on his lower face while laughing]

Jack: Thank you.

[He smiles with cake all over his mouth and chin]

Kate: How can you do that?

Jack: What?

Kate: Look at me like you haven't seen me every day for the last 13 years.

Jack: Well, you know everything worked out. I mean, I like Annie.

Kate: Well good, Jack. Maybe we'll keep her.

Jack: Because you thought I was *cocky*, I'm now on a permanent *acid trip*?

Jack: I'm sorry I was such a saint before, and I'm such a *prick* now!

Jack: Lemme see the ticket.

Cash: Was I talkin' to you?

Jack: Maybe I'll buy it from you. You know, make a little business deal.

Cash: Stupid ass white boy in two thousand dollar suit gets capped tryin' to be a hero, news at 11. That's what you wanna see?

[points gun at Jack]

Cash: Do you wanna die?

Jack: You can't keep coming in and out of people's lives, messing things up. It's not right.

Jack: That's mine. She took my bell.

Jack: Then I'm going to spend four hours skiing alone. Completely and utterly alone. I'm going to do that because that is my life, that's what's real... and there's nothing I can do to change that.

Jack: I just want my life back, okay? Now what's it gonna take? You wanna talk turkey? Let's talk turkey! HOW MUCH MONEY?

Jack: Please just tell me what's happening to me in plain English without the *mumbo jumbo*!

Jack: [going through "family man" Jack's closet] This is... this is just... subpar.

Jack: I'm in the middle of a deal!

Cash: Well, you're working on a new deal now, baby.

[walking the dog in the snow]

Jack: If you could take a dump sometime in this century, then we could go home where it's warm.

Miles Raymond: I'm finished. I'm not a writer, I'm a middle school English teacher. Well, the world doesn't give a shit what I have to say. I'm unnecessary. Ha! I'm so insignificant I can't even kill myself.

Jack: Miles, what the hell is that supposed to mean?

Miles Raymond: Come on, man. You know. Hemingway, Sexton, Plath, Woolf. You can't kill yourself before you're even published!

Jack: What about the guy who wrote Confederacy of Dunces? He committed suicide before he was published. Look how famous he is!

Miles Raymond: Thanks.

Jack: Just don't give up, alright? You're gonna make it.

Miles Raymond: Half my life is over and I have nothing to show for it. Nothing. I'm a thumbprint on the window of a skyscraper. I'm a smudge of excrement on a tissue surging out to sea with a million tons of raw sewage.

Jack: See? Right there. Just what you just said. That is beautiful. 'A smudge of excrement... surging out to sea.'

Miles Raymond: Yeah.

Jack: I could never write that.

Miles Raymond: Neither could I, actually. I think it's Bukowski.

Jack: If they want to drink Merlot, we're drinking Merlot.

Miles Raymond: No, if anyone orders Merlot, I'm leaving. I am NOT drinking any fucking Merlot!

Jack: Yo! Yo! Here's my boy! Here's my boy! But who's your daddy? Now who is your daddy?

Miles Raymond: Put me down, Jack.

Jack: I'm so proud of you! Let me love you! So tell me everything. Details. I like details.

Miles Raymond: No.

Jack: What?

Miles Raymond: It's private.

Jack: You're kidding, right? Tell me what happened, you fucker, or I'll tie your dick in a knot.

Miles Raymond: Let's leave it alone.

Jack: You didn't get any, did you? You're a homo.

Jack: Listen, man. Cammi gets off in an hour, so I was thinking I'd just hang around and have a drink, and make sure she gets home safe.

Miles Raymond: You're joking, right?

Jack: No.

Miles Raymond: Un-fucking-believable. Can't we just... go back to the motel... and hang out... and get up early, play 9 holes of golf... before we head home?

Jack: [puts his hand on Miles' shoulder] Listen, man. You're my friend, and I know you care about me. And I know you disapprove, and I respect that. But there are some things that I have to do that you don't understand. You understand literature, movies, wine... but you don't understand my plight.

Jack: I might be in love with another woman.

Miles Raymond: In love? Really? 24 hours with some wine-pourer chick and you're fucking in love? Come on! And you're gonna give up everything?

Jack: Here's what I'm thinking: you and me, we move up here, we buy a vineyard. You design the wine; I'll handle the business side. You get inspired, maybe write another novel, one that can sell.

Miles Raymond: Oh, my God. No, no.

Jack: As for me, if an audition comes up, LA's right there, man. It's two hours away, not even.

Miles Raymond: Jesus Christ, you're crazy. You're crazy. You've gone crazy.

Jack: All I know is that I'm an actor. All I have is my instinct. You're asking me to go against it.

Jack: Fucking chick's married, man.

Miles Raymond: What?

Jack: Her husband works a night shift or something, and he comes home and catches me on the floor with my cock in his wife's ass.

Miles Raymond: Oh, Jesus Christ.

Miles Raymond: She tell you she was married?

Jack: Yeah.

Miles Raymond: So what the fuck were you thinking?

Jack: Wasn't supposed to be back 'til six. Fucker rolls in at five.

Miles Raymond: Why didn't I get hurt?

Jack: You were wearing your seatbelt.

Miles Raymond: Let me show you how this is done. First thing, hold the glass up and examine the wine against the light. You're looking for color and clarity. Just, get a sense of it. OK? Uhh, thick? Thin? Watery? Syrupy? OK? Alright. Now, tip it. What you're doing here is checking for color density as it thins out towards the rim. Uhh, that's gonna tell you how old it is, among other things. It's usually more important with reds. OK? Now, stick your nose in it. Don't be shy, really get your nose in there. Mmm... a little citrus... maybe some strawberry...

[smacks lips]

Miles Raymond: ... passion fruit...

[puts hand up to ear]

Miles Raymond: ... and, oh, there's just like the faintest soupçon of like asparagus and just a flutter of a, like a, nutty Edam cheese...

Jack: Wow. Strawberries, yeah! Strawberries. Not the cheese...

Jack: Did you drink and dial?

Jack: This chick Stephanie, she's got it all goin' on.

Miles Raymond: Well, she is cute, yeah.

Jack: Cute? She's a fuckin' hottie. And you almost tell her that I'm gettin' married? What's the matter with you?

Miles Raymond: [while tasting wine] It tastes like the back of a fucking L.A. school bus. Now they probably didn't de-stem, hoping for some semblance of concentration, crushed it up with leaves and mice, and then wound up with this rancid tar and turpentine bullshit. Fuckin' Raid.

Jack: Tastes pretty good to me.

Miles Raymond: Did you read the latest draft, by the way?

Jack: Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Miles Raymond: And?

Jack: It's great. I mean there are so many improvements. It's much tighter, just seems... I don't know, more congealed or something.

Miles Raymond: Mm-hmm. What about the new ending? Did you like that?

Jack: Oh, yeah. New ending vastly superior to the old ending.

Miles Raymond: There is no new ending. Page 750 on is exactly the same.

Jack: [pause] Well... maybe it just seemed new because everything leading up to it was so different?

Miles Raymond: [sarcastically] Yeah, that must be it!

Jack: Are you still seeing that shrink?

Miles Raymond: I saw him on Monday. I spent most of the time helping him with his computer.

Jack: Well, I say, fuck therapy. And what is that stuff you take... Xanax?

Miles Raymond: And Lexapro, yes.

Jack: Well, I say, fuck that too. You need to get your joint worked on, Miles.

Jack: Bet ya that chick's two tons of fun. You know, the grateful type?

Miles Raymond: Okay, so what's the plan?

Jack: Uh... the plan is... you go.

Miles Raymond: ME?

Jack: 'Cause of my ankle. Still hurts. Just go explain the situation, Miles.

Miles Raymond: [laughs uproariously]

Miles Raymond: Explain the situation? Yes. 'Excuse me, sir, my friend was the one balling your wife couple of hours ago. Really sorry. He seems to have left his wallet behind. I was wondering if I come in, just poke around, I don't know'

Jack: Yeah, yeah, just like that. That's good.

[talking about Maya and walking by a golfer and his son]

Jack: Don't you just want to feel that cozy little box grip down on your johnson?

Vacationing Dr. Walt Hendricks: Hey, you mind keeping it down, buddy?

Jack: [talking about his future] Christine's dad has really been talking to me about getting into the family business, showing me the ropes. Which is something, considering how long it took for him to get over my not being Armenian.

Jack: I have to have an operation. Maybe a couple. They have to wait for my nose to heal first, and then they're going to break it again.

Miles Raymond: At least you'll still have a voice-over career.

Jack: It's going to fuck that up too. I ought to sue her ass. The only reason I won't is to protect Christine.

Miles Raymond: That's thoughtful.

Jack: [crying] I can't lose Christine, Miles. I can't. I know I fucked up, I know I did a bad thing, and I'm a bad person! But you gotta help me, Miles! You gotta help me! If I lose Christine, I... I am nothing! I'm nothing!

Jack: You gotta help me! You gotta help me!

Jack: Man! That's tasty!

Miles Raymond: That's 100% pinot noir. Single vineyard. They don't even make it any more.

Jack: Pinot noir?

Miles Raymond: Mmm-hmm.

Jack: Then how come it's white?

Miles Raymond: [laughs] Oh, Jesus. Don't ask questions like that up in wine country. They'll think you're some kind of dumbshit, OK?

Jack: Do not drink too much. Do you hear me? I don't want you passing out or going to the dark side. No going to the dark side!

Miles Raymond: Okay!

Jack: Speak for yourself. I get chicks lookin' at me all the time. All ages. Dudes too.

Miles Raymond: Well, it's not worth it. You pay too big a price. It's never free.

Jack: You need to get laid, Miles. You know what? That's going to be my best man gift to you this week. I'm gonna get you laid.

Miles Raymond: Wonderful.

Jack: I'm not gonna get you a gift certificate or a pen knife or any of that other horse shit.

Miles Raymond: I'd rather have a knife.

[introducing Jack and Maya]

Miles Raymond: Oh, this is my friend Jack. Jack, Maya.

Jack: Hiya.

Jack: I'm trying to get you a little action, I'd appreciate a little help!

Cammi: And here are your handy wipes.

Jack: Oh, so that's what these are. For a minute there I thought you guys were promoting safe sex.

Jack: Consult your doctor before using this product. Side effects may include oily discharge, hives, loss of appetite, low blood pressure. If you have diabetes or a history of kidney trouble, you're dead, asshole!

Jack: Try to be your normal, humorous self. The guy you were before the tailspin. Do you remember that guy? People love that guy.

Miles Raymond: This week is not about me. It is about you. I'm gonna show you a good time. We're gonna drink a lot of good wine. We're gonna play some golf. We're gonna eat some great food and enjoy the scenery and we are going to send you off in style, mon frere.

Jack: And get your bone smooched.

Jack: [Stephanie pours Jack and Miles full glasses of sample wine] Oh, Stephanie, you bad girl.

Stephanie: I know, I need to be spanked.

Miles Raymond: Now the cards are on the table.

Jack: Yes, they are.

Miles Raymond: Hey, what should I wear?

Jack: I don't know, something casual but nice. They think you're a writer.

Jack: Listen, honey. Let me call you right back. Miles and I are in the middle of something. No, it's nothing serious, Miles is just having one of his freak-outs. Yeah. Love you too.

Jack: Somebody had to do the talking. And by the way, I was right. She's not married.

Miles Raymond: How do you know?

Jack: No rock. When she came to the bar, sans rock.

Jack: [to Miles] You dick, why do you have to focus on the negative?

Miles Raymond: [after teaching Jack how to evaluating a glass of wine prior to tasting] ... Are you chewing gum?

Jack: What? No! No...

Miles Raymond: [after a long drawn out pause] ... Spit it out.

Jack: [Miles walks in on Jack and Stephanie having sex] Not now! Not now!

Jack: You don't understand my plight.

Jack: There he is. There's my boy. But who's your daddy? Who is yo' daddy?

Jack: Come here.

Miles Raymond: Uh! Huh!

Jack: [tears one condom off the string] One for you.

Miles Raymond: Mmm.

Jack: Three for me.

Miles Raymond: No, don't open that now. No, no, no, no.

Jack: Why not?

Miles Raymond: Its warm. Jack, that is a 1992 Byron. Its really rare. Okay, I've been saving it. Please don't open it. Oh, Jack!

Jack: You have been officially depressed for like two years now. And you're a negative guy anyway - even back in college. And now its worst! You're wasting away - teaching English to f*cking eighth graders, they ought to be reading what you wrote. Your books Miles.

Miles Raymond: I'm working on it.

Jack: Not hard enough

Miles Raymond: You know what? Lets take the Santa Rosa Road exit and hit Sanford, first. Okay?

Jack: Sounds good to me. I need a drink.

Miles Raymond: These guys make top notch pinot and chardonnay. One of the best producers in Santa Barbara county.

Jack: I thought you hated chardonnay.

Miles Raymond: No, no, no. I like all varietals. I just don't generally like the way they manipulate chardonnay in California. Too much oak.

Miles Raymond: She's a f*cking waitress in Buellton, Jack. How is that gonna ever work out?

Jack: You dick. Why do you have to focus on the negative? See how friendly she was to you?

Miles Raymond: She works for tips!

Miles Raymond: Victoria and I used to like this view. You know, once we had a picnic here. We drank a '95 Opus One with smoked salmon and artichokes. But, we didn't care. Oh, man, she has the best palate of any woman I've ever known. She could even differentiate all different kinds of Italian wines.

Jack: Miles, there's something I gotta tell ya. Victoria's coming to the wedding.

Miles Raymond: Yeah, I know. You told me. I'm all right with it.

Jack: Yeah, but that's not the whole story. She got remarried.

Miles Raymond: She what?

[Miles explained to Jack for 2min that he is not going to talk about his night with Maya]

Jack: Did you have trouble performing? Yeah, that's the shit.

Jack: What is this morose come down bull sh*t? These girls want to party with us! Huh? And what was that ten minute lecture on who's vouvrays? Are you kidding me? Who gives a f*ck?

Miles Raymond: You walked all the way from Solvang?

Jack: I ran! Twisted my ankle too.

Miles Raymond: That's five clicks, Jack!

Jack: F*ckin'-A right it's five clicks. At one point I had to cut through an ostrich farm. Those f*ckers are mean!

Jack: With age comes wisdom.

John: With age comes exhaustion.

Jack: It's sort of charming that she's a con artist.

John: Yes. She does have a certain something, which trumps logic. So go ahead, walk into the propeller.

Jack: Look, the time for debating has long passed. Let's go down to the car.

Monica: Oh, a car is different. You can fuck me in the car, I'm fine with that.

Jack: It's incredible that the Colosseum is still standing after thousands of years. You know, Sally and I have to re-tile the bathroom every six months.

Priest: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to...

Lucy: I object.

Saul: Oh, geez.

Priest: I didn't get to that part yet.

Jack: I would have to object too.

Priest: What about you?

Peter: I'm thinking!

Lucy: [to Jack] Okay, um. What do you mean by the leaning thing? You mean because he gave me flowers?

Jack: And then you *leaned*

Lucy: And then I leaned.

Jack: Yeah.

Lucy: Okay, how did I lean when I leaned?

Jack: It was a lot different from hugging. Hugging's very different. Hugging that involves arms and hands; and leaning is whole bodies moving in like this

[leans toward her suggestively]

Jack: . Leaning involves *wanting*... and *accepting*. *Leaning*...

Joe Jr.: Hey Luce! Is this guy bothering you?

Lucy: [Laughs] No, no.

Joe Jr.: Are you sure? Because it looks like he's *leaning.*

Jack: I guess I don't remember meeting you.

Lucy: Well, that's probably because we've never met.

Jack: That could have something to do with it.

Jack: [playing cards with a comatose Peter] You remember back in high school? I was starting to get really good at poker, went home with lots of lunch money? I got to know the principal's office really well. He always used to say to me "why can't you be more like your brother Peter". I was ok with that, I was proud of you and I was never jealous of anything that you had.

[pause]

Jack: Until now. I'll cut the deck. Highest card gets Lucy.

[cuts deck, looks at the cards]

Jack: All right. We'll make it best out of three.

Jack: [Lucy's sitting in the booth at the station taking tokens for the train. Suddenly someone drops a ring, making her look up] Lucy? I have to ask you a question.

Elsie: Get down on one knee, it's more romantic.

Saul: Elsie, if he's proposing let him do it!

Elsie: I *am* letting him do it.

Jack: Can I come in there please?

Lucy: I can't. Not without a token.

Jack: [he hands one in and goes into the booth] Marry me.

Lucy: Yeah. I love you.

Jack: I love you back.

Jack: You suck!

Peter: I suck, or the outfit sucks?

Jack: It's a toss-up.

Lucy: Oh! I don't want any flowers from you, I am not wearing black underwear, and I definitely do not want to move in with you, Joe -

[it's Jack, not Joe Jr]

Lucy: Jack.

Jack: Well, I don't have any flowers, I wouldn't mind seeing the black underwear, but under the circumstances, I don't think we should move in together.

Lucy: I thought you were Joe Jr.

Jack: [sarcastically] I get that a lot.

Lucy: [laughs] Do you wanna come in?

Jack: Yeah.

Lucy: Yeah?

Jack: Yeah. Wow. So that's... Wow; the wedding dress, huh?

Lucy: Hmm?

Jack: The wedding dress. It works good as a tie too.

Lucy: Ow. Yeah.

Jack: I just wanted to give you this before all the presents started to pile up. I was droppin' off some furniture in Little Italy. I look in a window, and...

Lucy: [it's a snow globe of Florence] Florence.

Jack: Florence.

Lucy: Thank you. It's really beautiful.

Jack: And I wanted to say that I think that Peter... is a very lucky guy.

Lucy: Thank you.

Jack: I had to say that because you're gonna be my sister-in-law.

Lucy: Ha, ha, ha, ha. Well, I guess we'll be seeing a lot of each other then.

Jack: I better get goin'.

[leaves]

Lucy: Yeah.

[goes after him]

Lucy: Hey, Jack. Jack!

Jack: [turns around] Yeah?

Lucy: Can you give me any reason why I shouldn't marry your brother?

Jack: Oh... I can't.

[Lucy nods as Jack angrily leaves]

Peter: I'm making a clean start with Lucy. She is - She is - She... What is she? She's...

Jack: I'd say that she gets under your skin as soon as you meet her. She drives you so nuts you don't know whether to hug her or, or just really arm wrestle her. She would go all the way to Europe just to get a stamp in her passport. I don't know if that amounts to insanity, or just being really, really... likable.

Peter: No, that's not it.

[Jack looks annoyed]

Peter: But she's gotta be really special. She's gotta be. And I can spend the rest of my life finding out why.

[Jack leaves]

Jack: [in Peter's Apartment] You stay here a lot, huh?

Lucy: [uncomfortably lying] Oh, you know, feed the cat.

Jack: Peter doesn't have a cat.

Lucy: [winces, but is interrrupted by the appearance of a cat, looking for food. She goes to it and picks it up] Oh, hello, honey, hi...

[discreetly checks tag for name]

Lucy: ... *Fluffy*! Oh, Fluffy...

Ox Callahan: Jesus Christ, Jack, you're running the business.

Jack: That's something I'd like to talk to you about.

Midge Callaghan: Talk about that later ok?

Mary Callaghan: Talk about it now, he can't kill you in church.

Jack: Tell me about your dad, what was he like?

Lucy: He was a lot like me, brown hair, flat chest.

Jack: I want you... not to be unhappy...

Jack: Maybe if we angle it a little.

Lucy: I think it's wedged.

Jack: Why don't you step back, I'm gonna try an old trick.

Lucy: What's the trick?

Jack: Push it really hard.

Lucy: Ok, push.

Jack: I did.

Lucy: You don't have to walk me home.

Jack: You block the wind.

Jack: Hey, what do you know about my family? Spending a week with them does *not* make you an expert!

Lucy: Spending a *lifetime* with them hasn't made you one, either!

[goes inside her apartment building. Jack follows]

Jack: Yeah, well, I know that keeping your family happy gets complicated. Would your father be happy knowing you're sitting in a token booth, planning vacations that you aren't taking?

Lucy: No, he wouldn't. You're right. But you have no idea what it's like to be alone.

Jack: Hey, you have Peter.

Lucy: I don't have anybody.

Peter: Remember the squirrels?

Jack: Don't even say it.

Peter: First I knocked them out of their nest with a rock.

Jack: Peter!

Peter: Then I saved them.

Jack: When did you start seeing Peter?

Lucy: September 17th.

Jack: Three months, that's fast.

Lucy: You have no idea.

Lucy: Hi. So, more questions?

Jack: No, I have an engagement present for you.

Lucy: Uh, you really shouldn't have.

Jack: I didn't. It's from my parents.

Lucy: Oh.

Jack: It's furniture. You want me to bring it up? Hey, was that Saul I saw leaving?

[there is a thud in the background. Joe Jr. is trying something on in Lucy's closet]

Jack: What's that?

Lucy: [lying] Cat.

Jack: [suspicious] Big cat.

Lucy: Um, I th - I think y - I think you should, um, bring it to, uh, t - bring it to Peter's apartment.

Jack: You don't know what it is.

Lucy: Well, you know, anything would look nicer in Peter's apartment.

[there is a thud again from Lucy's closet]

Lucy: You know what? I'll come with you.

Joe Jr.: [as Lucy closes the door, Joe Jr. is heard falling down in the closet] Ooh!

Jack: Hey, we'll have to get your picture for the mantle.

Lucy: Of, of me?

Jack: No, of you and Peter.

Lucy: [laughs] I'm, I'm not that photogenic.

Jack: [to himself] I doubt that.

Jack: Which of the Three Stooges was Peter's favorite?

Lucy: Curly.

Jack: Curly. HA!

[pause]

Jack: He's everybody's favorite.

Saul: I like Shemp.

Lucy: What do you want from me, Jack?

Jack: I want you not to be unhappy.

Lucy: And what are you, the Happiness Guru, Jack? Are you happy? Because I don't remember you having had a conversation with your father. I mean, you *do* want to leave the business don't you, or is this just like another *miscommunication* that we're having here?

Jack: As you can see, Jeff just loves... Asian shit.

Jack: I'm going to impale your mom on a spike and feed her dead body to my dog with syphilis.

Brad: Ha, you got me!

Jack: [to Nick and Joey Naylor] Inside joke.

[From trailer]

Jack: Okay, I'm gonna bring your dad in now. Is there anything I can get you, like an orange juice, or a coffee, or a Red Bull?

Joey Naylor: No, thanks.

Jack: Okay.

[High fives Joey]

Jack: [In Elevator] Did you hear that?

Nick Naylor: [pause] No.

Jack: Exactly.

Jack: Alright come here, this is my favourite part. That one right there...

[points in pool of fish]

Jack: It's 7000 dollars.

Nick Naylor: 7000 for a fish?

Jack: Yep, kinda makes you wanna stop eating sushi, but I guess you kinda have to.

Jack: See that big white one right there?

[points again]

Jack: Swear to you, 12000, gift from Oprah.

Jack: That sand's not gonna rake itself, Hiroshi.

Jeff Megall: Oh, stop. Next thing I know, he'll be telling you what position I used to play for the Bruins.

Jack: Quarterback.

Jack: We only got this one world, we should try to experience it!

Jack: When you break up with someone, the movie of good times will play over and over in your head and the bad times it's just fade away, until you can't remember the problem was.

Jack: It's the choices we make that determine our future but maybe fate or fortune have something to do with it.

Nancy: I've got a confession to make. I'm not really your blind date, Jack.

Jack: What? Are you even 24?

Nancy: No! Add an other 10. I was just merely trying to meet my mate in the modern world.

Jack: Congratulations on your massive pack of lies!

Nancy: Thank you!

Jack: God, you're such a cynic!

Nancy: And you're such a romantic!

Jack: Do you even like bowling?

Nancy: I love bowling.

Jack: Great, so you weren't faking it the whole night, then?

Nancy: Bet you've said that line before.

Jack: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and friends and members of Nancy's family who I've never met before in my life. I met a girl today, the wrong girl, except she turned out to be the right girl. And this girl who took a chance on me in the most bizarre and romantic way possible wanted me to take a chance on her, but I didn't, you know. I didn't. I blew it like the stupid 40-year-old mid-life crisis dickhead that I am.

Jack: Nancy, I am so bloody glad you pretended to by my date today, because if you hadn't, then I never would've heard any of your amazing sex theories, or watched you trying to get jalapeno out of your teeth, or witnessed your very instinctive firewoman skills. I would never have got to know that muddy beautiful triathlete face or witnessed that awesome, highly competitive, ass as you were about to get another strike. In fact, if you hadn't have pretended to be my date today, my day would've been utterly rubbish.

[Begins to choke up]

Jack: And so quite possibly would've been the rest of my life.

[Crowd awws]

Jack: Don't make those noises. I'm right on the edge. Nancy, you said I was an emotional jigsaw and that I should look for the blue bits. I think you might be the blue bits, Nancy. So, what do you say? Quid pro quo?

Jack: You need to man up, Nancy.

Jack: So. Book. Check. And blind date? Check!

Nancy: You're just - - you're an emotional jigsaw at the moment but you're gonna piece yourself back together. You know, start with the corners. Look for the blue bits.

Jack: And where do I find these "blue bits"?

Jack: Well, Nikola Tesla invented fluorescent light. Without him we wouldn't have alternating current, radio, television... x-ray technology... induction motors, particle beams, lasers; none of that would even exist if it weren't for him.

Meg: [sarcastically] Hmm, or the rock band Tesla.

Jack: [visibly dispirited] Funny.

[Jack is being taken on an ambulance after losing his breath on the jogging track]

Jack: I'm fine really.

Paramedic: Take it easy Mr. Schidntmann

Walter: Has this ever happened to you before?

Jack: Yes.

Paramedic: Seven times in the past five months.

Walter: I thought the jogging was getting you in better shape.

Jack: It is.

Paramedic: Yeah thanks to the jogging I can lift him into the ambulance.

Walter: It doesn't make any sense, why would somebody be selling a million dollar house for a hundred thousand?

Jack: Who knows? A divorce, loan sharks, a scandal. The point is you get to capitalize on another human being's misfortune. That's the basis of real estate. So do we have a deal?

[Jack, with the appearance of a 72-year old but only 18 years old, arrives at his graduation ceremony]

Lawrence Woodruff: [addressing the audience] Ladies and gentleman, it is my honor to introduce this year's valedictorian, Jack Charles Powell.

[a round of applause approves of this choice]

Jack: [taking the stand] Thank you, Aristotle.

[Due to his aged condition he has to take out spectacles to read the speech]

Eric: Yo Jack, go get 'em!

Jack: I got it, Eric. I'm cool... I don't have very much time these days so I'll make it quick. Like my life. You know, as we come to the end of this phase of our life, we find ourselves trying to remember the good times and trying to forget the bad times, and we find ourselves thinking about the future. We start to worry , thinking, "What am I gonna do? Where am I gonna be in ten years?" But I say to you, "Hey, look at me!" Please, don't worry so much. Because in the end, none of us have very long on this Earth. Life is fleeting. And if you're ever distressed, cast your eyes to the summer sky when the stars are strung across the velvety night. And when a shooting star streaks through the blackness, turning night into day... make a wish and think of me. Make your life spectacular. I know I did. I made it, Mom. I'm a grown up.

Lawrence Woodruff: You know why I like to teach children, Jack? So I don't get so wrapped up in being an adult. So I can remember there are other things that are important in life - like riding a bike, playing in a treehouse, splashing in water with your good shoes on. And you, my friend, were my most special student. And until recently, you were everything I ever wanted in a student. You were a shooting star amongst ordinary stars. Have you ever seen a shooting star, Jack?

Jack: No.

Lawrence Woodruff: It's wonderful. It passes quickly, but while it's here it just lights up the whole sky - it's the most beautiful thing you'd ever want to see. So beautiful that the other stars stop and watch. You almost never see one.

Jack: Why not?

Lawrence Woodruff: Beacuse they're very rare. Quite rare. But I saw one. I did.

Jack: I just want to be a regular star.

Lawrence Woodruff: Jack, you'll never be regular. You're spectacular.

Jack: What do I want to be when I grow up? Alive.

Principal McGee: I'm Mr. McGee. I've heard so much about you, Jack.

Jack: Hi, Mr. Magoo.

Principal McGee: McGee.

Jack: McGee.

Principal McGee: Yes.

Jack: Magoo.

Bartender: What? What do you want?

Jack: I'll have uh... Shirley Temple with extra Marciano cherries

Bartender: [correcting him] Maraschino.

Jack: That's what I said, Maras-*CHINO.*

Paulie: Get him a Madonna. Know who Madonna is right?

Jack: Who?

Paulie: Shirley Temple without the cherry.

Brian: You know I was just thinking about the first time you ever rode a bike. Remember that?

Jack: Oh yeah.

Brian: You were so determined to ride. You kept wiping out and nearly took out a couple of the neighbors. It took a couple days until you finally got it, and look at you now! I mean, you're riding like a pro!

George: [in the boy's treehouse looking at an adult magazine] Hey Jack, ever get a boner? You know, an erector.

Jack: Not yet, I'm hoping to get one for Christmas.

Jack: Hey guys, I brought a friend, okay? This is Mr. Woodruff.

Eddie: Are you ten, too?

Lawrence Woodruff: Uh, well if you ask my wife. No I'm afraid I'm just a regular, garden-variety old fart.

Jack: Miss Marquez, I was thinking that maybe if you didn't have anything to do, you might want to go to the dance with me. It'd be really, really fun.

Miss Marquez: Oh, Jackie.

Jack: So you wanna go? My mom will drive us.

Miss Marquez: Jack, you don't wanna go with me. I'm an old lady.

Jack: That's why. That's why I wanna go with you. I can't go with the girls my age, because I look so much older than them. You look just like me.

[moves in quickly, kisses her on the lips and smiles nervously]

Miss Marquez: [stunned] Jackie. Jack. You are still a very young man, up here

[motions to his head]

Miss Marquez: . I know I look closer to your age than the girls in class, you're right about that.

Jack: So what time should my mom and I pick you up?

Miss Marquez: [she becomes blunt] Jack, you are my student, and I am your teacher. And teachers and students don't go to dances together. Do you understand that?

Jack: [tearing up] Please?

Miss Marquez: No. I'm sorry honey. It just wouldn't be right.

[Jack begins to cry and runs out of the classroom]

Jack: [rambling into the phone really fast] Hey dad! I got to play basketball today. They picked me! Not just because I'm humongous, because I'm real good. Yeah I scored a thousand points. Yeah right it was only a hundred. I'm kidding it was fourteen. I scored! Yea, and I met this really cool kid named Louie. Not Louis, Louie. Yeah. His mom gave me some matches.

Brian: Okay slow down buddy, slow down.

Jack: Hey dad, Louie has some dirty magazines under his bed. What are dirty magazines? I got to be principal. Well, I pretended to be. And I got a lot of homework to do. I got a great homework assignment. And you know what? Miss Marquez ate one of my red gummybears and she said 'way to go,' but not because of the red gummybears. Because of the way I play basketball. Yeah it was great. She said Shaq better watch his back! She's what grandpa says is a real piece of work. She's really great. What are you doing?

Angry Man: That's the second time tonight! What are you stupid?

[Jack tries to walk away]

Angry Man: Woah woah, where you going? I want an apology!

Jack: I'm sorry.

Angry Man: No, no, no, that's not gonna be good enough, sorry.

Jack: Well, I said I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Jeez, what is it with you? What are you totally hyper or something. you eat too much sugar?

Angry Man: What, do you think you're pretty smart?

Jack: Yeah I do, got an A in everything except Social Studies.

Angry Man: Studies? How'd you like to study my fist?

Dolores: Hey hey hey, leave him alone, asshole. Come on, Mr. Powell.

Angry Man: What's the matter man? You gonna let your girlfriend here stand up for you?

Dolores: Just, let's go.

Jack: [Jack begins to deliver insults he heard on the playground] You know what your problem is, Mister? You have Exactly Disease.

Angry Man: What's that?

Jack: It's when your mouth smells EXACTLY LIKE YOUR BUTT!

Dolores: What, you get that from Louis? He always says that.

Angry Man: And you're a loser!

Jack: Oh yeah, losers say what?

Angry Man: What?

Jack: LOSER! Haha! Rubber, glue, sticks to you!

Dolores: What are you doing? This guy's very tough! Stop with this, let's go.

Angry Man: [getting very angry] I'm a loser? You're a son of a bitch!

Jack: I can't believe you said that! You cussed! Oh, you said the 'B' word! Oh, you're going to get in so much trouble! You really are!

Angry Man: [laughs] Here's some trouble!

[punches Jack in the face]

Miss Marquez: When's your birthday?

Jack: September 12.

Classmate: [snickering] 1902.

Jack: I'm not bald and I'm not a freak. You're a freak, four eyes.

Louis: Hey you, you shoot hoops?

Jack: Who me?

Louis: No, the 40-year-old kid behind you.

Jack: What happened to Mr. McGee? I just talked to him on the phone.

Louis: I don't know what happened to Mr. McGee. Mr. Powell?

Jack: [pause] He got diarrhea.

Dolores: [disgusted] Diarrhea?

Jack: Yeah, he got diarrhea. And uh, he spewed. Threw up. And he had the squirts. He had diarrhea.

Dolores: Oh boy, that's more than I needed to know.

Principal McGee: Jack, how would you like to see your classroom?

Jack: [quietly] Yes.

Principal McGee: A little louder.

Jack: [even more quietly] Yes.

Principal McGee: A little louder, Jack.

Jack: [shouts loudly] YES!

Jack: Mom, am I a giant?

Jack: [on the phone] I gotta go. I really got to go. Number one.

Jack: Can I sleep in with you?

Brian: Yeah, oh course.

Jack: Stimpy, too?

Louis: I kinda haven't done homework since the third grade.

Jack: Whoa, your dog must be pretty full.

Jack: [Phoebe pokes him with a stick] Ow, don't!

Phoebe: Are you a freak?

Jack: No.

Phoebe: Oh. Well Jane says that you're a freak.

Jack: Who's Jane?

Jane: I'm Jane and I think you are a freak. Look at your hairy arms and your eyebrows and...

Phoebe: Yeah, he has receding hairline.

Jack: Well, I'm not a freak.

Jack: [to Louis' mom about Louis, pretending to be the principal] I would say he's probably the smartest kid in the whole school.

[she gasps]

Jack: If not, maybe the smartest kid I've ever met.

Dolores: [writes her number on a matchbook] Here's my number at work. You can reach me there any time.

Jack: My mom said I shouldn't play with matches.

Phoebe: You don't look ten. Look, you've got the hairy arms. You've got hairy knuckles.

Jane: You look a lot older than us.

Phoebe: It looks like you shaved there.

Jack: Yeah, I do. So?

Phoebe: A ten year old doesn't shave! So then you can't be ten.

Jane: Yes, you can't be ten if you shave and you have hairy arms and you're tall, really tall, and you're bigger.

Jack: So, I'm big for my age.

George: So Jack, you bought that magazine?

Jack: Yeah, I buy 'em all the time.

George: What about Hustler? You get Hustler?

Jack: If you want it.

Eddie: Swank?

Jack: Yeah, that and uh, you know, all the grown-up stuff that only grown-ups can read.

George: Cool! And they don't give you no trouble in buying them? I mean like they don't ask for ID?

Jack: No. You know, I just don't shave for a day and I look like I'm fifty.

Jack: [after being poked with a stick] Don't, or I'll tell!

Officer at Jail: Let's just get your stuff here, you can go.

[empties a paper bag]

Officer at Jail: You've got a library card, pocket knife, Spiderman watch, Pez dispenser.

Jack: Where's my pog? It's a slammer.

[Officer dejectedly reaches into his pocket and pulls it out]

Jack: You know what my mother used to say to me?

Melanie: Gee, no, what?

Jack: Love your guy like a little boy and he'll grow into a man.

Melanie: So she knew back then that you were gay?

Melanie: You MUST be Kristen's ex-husband?

Jack: Why do you say that?

Melanie: [pointing to Maggie] Well, that's Kristen's daughter...

Jack: What would you do if I kissed you right now?

Melanie: You wouldn't kiss me.

Jack: But what would you do if i did?

Melanie: Do you wanna kiss me right now?

Jack: I wouldn't've mentioned it if didn't.

[Phone rings]

Jack: What?

Melanie: I forgot to tell you that Sammy is allergic to shellfish and dander. And also, he's not allowed to watch commercial TV. And no matter what he says, he has to hold your hand when he crosses the street. Oh, and also, if you go to the playground, I'd like you to check the sandbox first, because you never know what people throw in there. And, also... OK. Bye.

Jack: Fine.

Melanie: Fine.

Melanie: Your Peter Pan complex is so 90s.

Jack: What Peter Pan complex?

Melanie: The one you're so proud of.

Jack: Do you have any friends?

Melanie: I don't have time for friends.

Jack: That's because of your Captain Hook complex.

Cara: How old are you?

Jack: I have no idea. But I'm in the Bible if that means anything.

Cara: What? No.

Jack: It's pronounced "Cayenne", but I'm known as Cain.

Cara: I think I'm gonna throw up.

Andrea: I, uh, don't have money, so...

Jack: Then, how did you end up inebriated?

Andrea: Vaginas are like coupon books for alcohol.

Cara: So... the civil war, what was that like?

Jack: I don't know, I was in china...

Andrea: When's the last time you were with someone, anyway?

Jack: How old are you?

Andrea: Nineteen.

Jack: So - nineteen years.

Andrea: [pause] Oh.

Jack: Yeah.

Cara: I don't know what you don't understand about this. I refuse, okay? You're probably just going to kill another room full of people.

Jack: [shakes his head noncommittally]

Cara: You are?

Jack: Probably.

Cara: Come on!

Andrea: So, what do you wanna do today?

Jack: [Trying to sleep] I'm doing it.

Andrea: [pauses] So, are we gonna do anything today?

Jack: I'm still doing it.

Jack: [Yelling at Goatee Man] What the hell's the matter with you? Why are you doing this to me? Is it because of that prick Habal? Fuck you! Why is that murder so fucking significant? We were barely men back then? Did I really start it? Would murder not exist if I didn't kill that little shit? No one else goes through this. I don't deserve this. I don't deserve this! Fuck god, because there isn't one! If there was, she wouldn't let this happen! All I see is you walking around. Let me fucking die. Let me die!

Cara: Look... I know you walk all the time

Jack: Yep... How far you going ?

Cara: It's about 12 blocks

Jack: You'll be alright

[as he turns and walks away]

Cara: Yeah... I'll be fine... Well... see ya

Jack: I'm going to go and interrogate the man in my bathroom... your money's there

[pointing to the chest full of money]

Cara: I can just leave ?

Jack: I don't see why not... you'll never see me again

Cara: This is you?

[pointing to an old photo]

Jack: Yeah.

Cara: Isn't that your dad or grand dad?

Jack: I'm not even sure if I even had a father

Cara: [holding picture up so Jack can see] This person... in this picture... is you?

Jack: Yeah.

Cara: From 1914?

Jack: Yeah.

Cara: I don't believe that.

Jack: OK.

Cara: Who - who are they, Jack?

Jack: I don't know - some kind of low class mafia, maybe.

Cara: I didn't know you had a daughter until recently. Where is she, by the way?

Jack: Probably with her mother at this point.

Jack: Get the hell out of here now!

Fat Man: You get out of here fella. I'm trying to watch the Smurfs.

Jack: You're trying to watch the Smurfs?

Fat Man: Yeah.

Jack: Did you see the one where Papa Smurf took a crutch and smashed the shit out of a guy with a red hat? Did you see that one? You want to see that one? (Fat Man runs away.)

Jack: There's only two times when that kind of thing's okay: In prison where it's a substitute and guys in space.

Mike: Guys in space?

Jack: Well, not on purpose. They just float into each other.

Jack: Watch your step on your way out.

[Lanie trips in a crack and breaks the heel off her shoe]

Lanie: Saw that in a vision, did you?

Jack: No. I trip in that crack all the time.

Jack: Hi, Marty!

[surprised after Martin has come flying through the window to pin Jack to the wall]

Martin Brogan: Where's the wife?

[Jack points towards the stairs; Martin looks at Mary and turns back]

Martin Brogan: Not mine, you dolt. Yours!

[Mary has just aged 200 years]

Jack: Kiss you? Maybe we should get some moisturizer first... or some medical supervision.

[Sharon is flossing her teeth, seemingly unaware of Jack's presence]

Jack: Now that I'm dead, I though I'd let you know. You're as cold as a penquin on an iceburg. You're a dwarf. Yeah, clean those choppers so you can chew up the next jerk that comes along.

Jack: [Sharon slaps him] I'm not dead?

Sharon: No, but if I were you I wouldn't make any long term plans!

Jack: [Jack and Sharon are witnessing Mary and Martin's fatal argument] This is Mary the ghost, and that's Martin the ghost! They're having problems in their relationship.

Sharon: No, Jack. We're having problems in our relationship!

Jack: I'm dead. So this is what it feels like. Like a hangover.

Jack: You're a ghost, I'm an American. It would never work out.

Jack: Eternity's a big commitment.

Mrs. Plunkett: [sees Jack, about Mary] You do love her, don't you?

Jack: Yeah, I guess I do. I - I don't know.

Mrs. Plunkett: Then what's the problem then?

Jack: She's a ghost. She's dead, I'm alive.

[goes amazed]

Jack: How do you know all this?

Mrs. Plunkett: [smiles] I'm married to one.

[last lines]

Duffy: [holding a bag of money] Cheri! I got it!

Cheri: [yelling back to Duffy] My car won't start.

Jack: [on Cheri's cell phone] Hello? Are you still there?

Cheri: [talking to Jack] Listen, I might get Duffy's half after all. I'll call you back.

[first lines]

Jack: [talking on his cell phone] I'm on my way back from Benny's. I'm almost home. Tell me where you are and I'll come get you.

Norma: This can't be happening.

Jack: What happened?

Norma: Chief Garby called. My only child has been hit by a car.

Jack: They just called?

Norma: Right after I came home, just a few minutes after I left you.

Officer Hannagan: Don't move!

Norma: You'll burn for what you did to my daughter!

Jack: [confused] Daughter?

[first lines]

Jack: Julie, what're you doing out here?

Julie: Just watching the light change.

Jack: [to Zack, who is drawing on the cell wall] Hey, cut it out!

[Zack disobeys]

Jack: *Stop it*! Man, doncha know it makes time go slower? Cut it out!

[they start fighting]

Jack: Fuck you...

Bobbie: You know, Jack, we could make some money together. Except you're always blowin' it. You know - gambling, gettin' high, showing off.

Jack: I gotta have fun, you know, baby ?

Bobbie: Yeah, yeah, I know. You're always makin' big big plans for tomorrow, and you know why ? 'Cause you're always fucking up today ! Look at that white girl, that Julie you started out with, she's all messed up now. All your girls are so messed up - except me. I can tell a lot of things about you. Some things you'd never put into your head. But you can't be so sure. My mom used to say that America is like a big melting pot, because she used to say that when you bring it to the boil, all the scum rises to the top.

[she laughs sarcastically]

Bobbie: So maybe there's still hope for you yet, Jack.

[she suddenly stops laughing]

Bobbie: You listening to me ?

[short pause]

Bobbie: Shit. You don't understand any kind of people. Maybe that's your problem. You sure don't understand women at all. And a pimp is supposed to know about women. If you was a good pimp, you'd have hit me by now, you'd have done something. But I can just lay here, and talk forever, and you won't hear a single word. Like you don't even speak english ! You're lost in your big big plans, but I know about you, Jack.

Jack: This is how you dressed before you were in the joint, right? Sort of garbage man on parade.

Zack: You, uh, plannin' on doin' a little squirrel huntin', Jack?

Jack: I am a good egg. Jesus.

Doris: So, how long have you known Suzanne?

Jack: Oh, about a month. Seems like longer, though.

Doris: I know what you mean. I'm her mother and it seems longer.

Jack: I think you're safer here than in any of the murder-free places we've ever lived at.

Vanessa: Curly Bear left her.

Jack: Navajo guy?

Vanessa: He stole all her credit cards and her car.

Jack: Oh, my God. That's crazy. Marjorie has credit cards?

Marjorie: Wait a minute. I didn't know you were circumcised, Jack.

Jack: Really? We never covered that at Thanksgiving?

Jack: [coughing] Is there marijuana in there?

Marjorie: Uh-huh, yeah.

Jack: Is that what usually goes in there?

Marjorie: No, it's usually just tobacco, but tobacco is so bad for you.

[first lines]

Vanessa: Home.

Jack: Home.

Vanessa: Here's the low-balling the seller and still getting $50,000 off after the home inspection.

Vanessa, Jack: [hi-five each other]

Jack: We could paint this place today, sell it tomorrow, and still make money.

Vanessa: Yes, we could. I love you, Jack Watson.

Jack: I love you. Now, let me carry you over that goddamn threshold.

Jack: I'll bet you anything you like that half an hour after they have met, they will be calling each other sister.

Algy: Women only do that when they have called each other a lot of other things first.

Jack: Lady Bracknell, I hate to seem inquisitive, but would you kindly inform me who I am?

[in the end credits]

Jack: Algy, you're always talking nonsense.

Algy: It's better than listening to it.

[Jack tells Lady Bracknell his address in London]

Lady Bracknell: The unfashionable side. I thought there was something.

[she reaches for the bell, but reconsiders and pulls back]

Lady Bracknell: However, that could easily be altered.

Jack: Do you mean the fashion, or the side?

Lady Bracknell: Well, both, if necessary, I presume!

Jack: Then a passionate celibacy is all that any of us can look forward to.

Jack: I don't actually know who I am by birth. I was... well, I was found.

Lady Bracknell: Found?

Jack: Yes. The late Mr. Thomas Cardew, an old gentlemen of a kindly disposition found me and gave me the name of Worthing because he happened to have a first class ticket to Worthing at the time. Worthing is a place in Sussex. It's a seaside resort.

Lady Bracknell: And where did this charitable gentlemen with the first class ticket to the seaside resort find you?

Jack: In a handbag.

Lady Bracknell: [closes eyes briefly] A handbag?

Jack: Yes, Lady Bracknell, I was in a hand bag. A somewhat large... black... leather handbag with handles... to it.

[pause]

Lady Bracknell: An ordinary handbag.

Lady Bracknell: And where did this Mr. James... or, Thomas Cardew come across this ordinary handbag?

Jack: The cloak room at Victoria Station. It was given to him in mistake for his own...

Lady Bracknell: [Shocked] The cloak room at Victoria Station?

Jack: Yes. The Brighton line.

Lady Bracknell: The line is immaterial.

[begins tearing up notes]

Lady Bracknell: Mr. Worthing. I must confess that I feel somewhat bewildered by what you have just told me. To be born, or at any rate bred in a handbag, whether it have handles or not, seems to me to display a contempt for the ordinary decencies of family life which reminds one of the worst excesses of the French revolution, and I presume you know what that unfortunate movement led to?

Lady Bracknell: You seem to be displaying signs of triviality.

Jack: On the contrary, Aunt Augusta. I've now realized for the first time in my life the vital importance of being Ernest.

Jack: You don't think there's any chance of Gwendolyn becoming like her mother in about 150 years, do you Algy?

Algy: My dear fellow, all women become like their mothers, that's their tragedy. No man does, and that's his.

[while Algy is pretending to be Jack's brother]

Jack: [whispering] Algy! Algy! Algy!

[Algy looks around, as if wondering who Jack's calling]

Jack: Ernest.

Algy: Ah, good morning, dear fellow.

Jack: Good heavens, I suppose a man may eat his own muffins in his own garden.

Algy: But you have just said it was perfectly heartless to eat muffins!

Jack: I said it was perfectly heartless of YOU under the circumstances. That is a very different thing.

Algy: That may be, but the muffins are the same!

Jack: How you can sit there eating muffins when we're in this terrible trouble, I can't make out! It seems to me to be perfectly heartless...

Algy: I can hardly eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs.

[over the end credits, Algy and Jack rehearse their song to win back their girls]

Jack: I think your high notes may have damaged our chances, old boy. You do want them to come down, don't you?

Algy: Well, they're never going to come down while you're singing like that, you're completely out of tune.

Jack: How dare you.

Algy: I'll take this next bit.

Jack: You leave this one to me, you go and have a lie-down.

Algy: I'm doing it.

Jack: Move out of my way, I'm coming through.

Algy: Go easy, my dear fellow...

Jack: [singing] COME DO-O-O-O-WN, LADY COME DOWN...

Algy: Overdoing it, less is more.

Lady Bracknell: I have always been of the opinion that a man who desires to get married should know either everything or nothing. Which do you know?

Jack: I know nothing, Lady Bracknell.

Lady Bracknell: I am pleased to hear it. I do not approve of anything that tampers with natural ignorance. Ignorance is like a very delicate exotic fruit. Touch it and the bloom is gone. The whole theory of modern education is radically unsound. Fortunately, in England at any rate, education produces no effect whatsoever. If it did, it would prove a serious danger to the upper classes, and probably lead to acts of violence in Grosvenor's Square.

Lady Bracknell: Do you smoke?

Jack: Well, Lady Bracknell, I am bound to say, yes, I do smoke.

Lady Bracknell: That is well. A man should always have an occupation.

Jack: I said I had lost my parents; it would be nearer to the truth that my parents lost me.

Drew: Greetings. Uh... the army men the good guys? I see you have some robot truck men here too. You shouldn't mix genres like that. It screws up your morale and jeopardizes the efficacy of your tactics. Okay, I guess we can work with it. What exactly are you playing?

Jack: Well, the GI Bobs are gonna surprise attack those Legos.

Drew: I know that you are but 7 years old. This rigmarole you have here just won't work. Your flanks are exposed. You're vulnerable to an enfilade from Lego artillery. I think it's time that you learn the proper way to set up an L-shaped ambush.

Jack: What's a flank?

Drew: It's a good thing I came.

Jack: I didn't sleep with your sister 'cause I wanted to sleep with your sister. I slept with your sister because I can't be with you.

Sangeet: He's police.

Jack: He's not even armed. Look at him. They haven't even given him a fucking whistle.

Jack: Well, actually, writers and serial killers are very similar. They're practically brothers.

Dr. Friedkin: You're fucked up Jack. You need therapy.

Jack: Oh I haven't got time. I've got a meeting in about an hour.

Jack: [they wonder why they are tied up in an abandoned cellar] We've been abducted by a crazed psychopath whose sole intention is to terrorize, torture and terminate our existence!

Sangeet: ...No, you're - you're paranoid. You're jumping to conclusions.

Jack: Lady, there is a time and a place for accusing a man of being paranoid AND THIS IS NOT FUCKIN' ONE OF THEM!

Jack: I didn't mean to become a children's author. It was a terrible accident!

Jack: My balls are freezin! I never thought I'd say THAT with a smile on my face.

Jack: Three balls, two sticks, one corked nose. Snowman? No. Much, much more. I am the Wizard of Blizzard! Hahahahahaha! Now run you little mountain goats!

Charlie: But Dad...!

Jack: But Dad? Did you just call me Butt Dad? I ought to make you Butt Boy.

Charlie: But...

Jack: [climbs into a car] Bye Butt Family!

Jack: I just have to accept it. I accept I'm a snowman. Okay.

[screams loudly]

Jack: SID!

Charlie: You the man!

Jack: NO, I'm the SNOWMAN!

Jack: You know, sometimes it's good having a big butt.

Jack: Whhhhrrrr. Pull your veichle over to the right.

[Rory is distracted and tumbles down the hill to the right]

Jack: Perfect.

[first words as a snowman]

Jack: I'm home.

Jack: You brought me back with the magic harmonica!

Charlie: What? I thought you made that up!

Jack: Believe me, so did I!

[Jack discovers he is a snowman]

Jack: [sees his genitals are gone] Oh, no!

[Jack is pelted with two snowballs, which stick to his chest and become like boobs]

Jack: ...Nah.

[throws them back]

Gianelli: [Pointing to his gun] I'll use this.

Jack: I have died and been reborn. I can do it again, buster.

Billy: We gotta come up with $165, get the van and pull Weitzman out of the hospital before those two goddamn cops come back. Now how's that for a goal?

Jack: Us? But we're crazy.

Billy: Yeah? Well we better get sane real goddamn fast.

[Their van is being towed]

Jack: Stop! Who dares to tow the van of the living Christ?

Driver: The city of New York, Tarzan! $50 for the violation, $75 for the tow and $20 a day for storage.

Jack: [Skyward] Father, forgive us for we have sinned! We parked our car in a forbidden zone!

Jack: [Begins to undress] We are all naked in the eyes of the lord.

Henry: STOP! This man is clinically insane! He is presently undergoing treatment at Cedarbrook Hospital under my supervision!

Jack: Great! Breakfast. I'm starved.

Henry: That's not ours. That's Ed's.

Jack: Did Ed make the sun shine? Did Ed make the wheat grow?

Henry: I don't know the man.

Jack: I fear my doctor may have been seized by the Romans!

Henry: Hey guys, time for a hug?

Jack: I don't think so.

Billy: Maybe after the game.

Albert: Play ball!

[They are under a large cardboard box in the rain]

Henry: I think we should review our goals.

Billy: Review our goals. Wacko, we gotta find the doctor.

Henry: Who put you in charge? I'm in charge here.

Jack: Read the New Testament, Sparky. You'll find out who's in charge.

Billy: Get outta the way!

[They bump a pedestrian]

Billy: Albert, you step on my foot one more time, I'm gonna kill ya!

Albert: Kill the ump!

Jack: Why does a grown man have to smell like tuna fish?

Jack: You told me you played for the New York Rangers.

Billy: Are you saying I didn't?

Dr. Weitzman: Attacking a referee on the ice doesn't make you a hockey player either.

Billy: That guy had no right to be an NHL referee!

Dr. Weitzman: Although it did get you into our little group, didn't it?

Jack: I was pulling down a hundred big ones a year while you and Satan were chasing Daryl Hannah!

Jack: You two should be cast into the outer darkness. The rec hall will look pretty damn good from the bowels of Hell.

Billy: I got news for you. You're gonna be the first Supreme Being EVER TO MAKE A LICENSE PLATE!

Jack: Hey Murray, congratulations. Benson called while I was in there. You got the Natachi account.

Murray: We got it? Really, we got it?

[Dances and shouts]

Murray: We got the Natachi account! We got the Natachi account.

Jack: Hey Murray, just kidding! Wah wah wah wah.

Jack: I drove the moneylenders from the temple. I can handle a ten-spot.

Jack: Let me hold the gun.

Henry: No.

Jack: I let you sit in the front seat!

Billy: [referring to Jack] We're looking for something casual for the Son of God.

Bernie: How much does the Supreme Being wanna spend?

Jack: How about a nice Harris tweed with a blue Oxford button-down and maybe a nice Countess Mara tie, eh, sport?

Billy: [to the guys] Look, why don't you guys browse around for a while.

[They just stand there]

Billy: Browse!

Bones: Oh yeah, "Its not a job, it's an adventure."

Richard Day, Recruiting Sergeant: No, that's the Navy.

Bones: "The few and the proud?"

Richard Day, Recruiting Sergeant: No, that's the Marines.

Bones: "Keep going, going and gone?"

Jack: No, that's the Energizer Bunny.

Richard Day, Recruiting Sergeant: Gentlemen, we're "Be all you can be"

Bones: In the Arrrmy!

Bones: Where did the sun go?

Jack: There is no sun anymore. We died, and this is hell.

Bones: Oh, ok. Thanks for clearing that up.

[Bones and Jack see a Special Forces officer trying to assemble a gun very fast. Bones decides to take a flashlight and assemble it fast. The spring flies off and hits Sgt. Stern]

Jack: Oh no... that's not good. That's noooot good. Uh-oh... he's coming over...

[Jack is trying to get the truck out of the sand and is having trouble]

Bones: Your sucking too much sand in the air filter! I'M ORDERING YOU!

Jack: Your ordering me?

Bones: I'm first class...

[laughs]

Bones: now I'm ordering you!

Jack: The only reason your first class is cause your brother is a poolman! (Truck makes a poping noise and

Jack: It's the ocean! it's the ocean!

[while under fire]

Jack: [to Bones] Tell me about the store again.

Bones: [Jack and Bones are selling things for a camel. Bones takes Jacks watch] How about this watch?

Jack: No, not the watch. It has a compass.

Bones: ...it has a compass? You mean to tell me that we have been out in this desert for three days and you had a compass the entire time? Ooooh, Jack. You're going to get a lot of noogies for this.

Jack: I forgot.

Bones: Yeah? Well now you're going to forget about this watch cause it's gone now!

1st Sgt. Brandon T. Williams: I am First Sergeant Brandon T. Williams. It is my intention to run this company like a clock. If one gear slips in my clock, my clock'll tell the wrong time. If one spring is loose in my clock, my clock'll tell the wrong time. First Sergeant Williams likes his clock to tell the right time. Do you understand me?

Other Troops: Yes, First Sergeant!

Jack: What did he just say?

Bones: I don't know, something about his clock being broken.

Marion: Ugghhh

[Jack removes Marion's glasses]

Marion: I can't see you. I could be having sex with Gregory Peck or something.

Jack: Well, good for you.

Jack: A blow job is actually a big political event in the grand scheme of things. After all it was a blow job that destroyed any chance at a healthy democracy.

Jack: Um, so what's the deal, man?

Marion: What?

Jack: That guy was looking at you like you were a big leg of lamb. It's like he had the fork and the knife and the bib.

Marion: I am a big leg of lamb.

Jack: I know, but you're my leg of lamb. How do you know him?

Marion: Well, we met many years ago, and we had a little thing. I think I gave... I gave him a blowjob. No big deal.

Jack: Really? A blowjob's no big deal?

Marion: Oh, I'm sorry.

Jack: I'm all right.

Marion: No I mean, it's no big deal in comparison to what's going on in the world. You know, there's George Bush, the war in Iraq, there's Avian flu and then there's a blowjob. You know what I mean?

Jack: Right, right.

Marion: In consideration, it's...

Jack: Nice transition.

Marion: It's a pretty minor event. Don't you think?

Jack: I would actually say it's not a minor event... if you wanna start talking in the grander political scheme of things. If you think about it,it was a blowjob after all, that brought down America's last chance at a healthy democracy.

Jack: This isn't Paris. This is hell.

Jack: My first religion is private property. Don't trespass. Don't touch my shit.

Jack: I'm a huge Val Kilmer fan.

Jack: Great, we get to eat the little bunny's food too.

Jack: Can I use this thermometer?

[puts it in the mouth]

Marion: I usually don't use this one in the mouth. I mean...

Jack: Oh, come on! What is wrong with you?

Marion: What? It's a french thermometer.

Jack: Are you 5? You still use the thermometer up your ass?

American tourist: I think the French are so rude.

Jack: I know. It's a cliché but it's true.

Marion: You know why people are attracted to one other? Cos people with very different immune systems are attracted to one other so the offspring, the baby, will have a stronger immune system with the combination of the two immune systems.

[Jack pretends to snore]

Marion: Don't snore! It's important!

Jack: Oh!, No! Yeh! No! I was saying the same thing!

Manu: [Talking about Marion, Jack's girlfriend] She told you we used to be together?

Jack: Yes.

Manu: But it was, like, 1 5 years ago, so it's no big deal at all, really. She was 19. I gave her her first orgasm through intercourse... Oh, no, this is rude. I know when I'm rude, this is rude. I'm sorry about that.

Jack: Oh, no, no, no. Hey, look, you paved the way for the rest of us, right?

Jack: Look, what happened between us last night is like this ongoing problem with me. It happens all the time: I meet someone, we go home together, but then the next day it's...

Cindy: What? Next day what?

Jack: Well, they tell me that suddenly they've developed these feelings for me.

Cindy: What are you saying, that every woman you go home with falls in love with you or something?

Jack: Yes! It's like a curse! It never ends!

Cindy: A woman falls in love with you and you think that's a curse?

Jack: You have no idea!

Cindy: No! I don't! Because I think you're lucky! I mean, there are some people who wait their entire lives for somebody to tell them they feel that way about them, and you, you just throw it away like it's nothing, like it's a minor inconvenience! Well let me tell you something, Jack, you are cursed - just not the way you think you are.

Jack: Knock knock.

Terry Doolittle: Leave me alone.

Jack: I'm sorry. Unavoidably delayed in London. Queen thanks you.

Terry Doolittle: [typing] Frankly, I don't give a shit about the queen. I did give a shit about you, however. I sat in that restaurant feeling stupid. And hurt.

Terry Doolittle: [stops typing] I mean, what happened to you? All you had to do was come and say "hi" or "thanks" or something. I mean you just left me sitting there. But no, you sent me to a restaurant with shitty bread sticks.

Jack: Sorry. I still want to to take you to dinner.

Terry Doolittle: [typing] Next time I'm in London, I'll look you up.

Jack: People say nothing is forever. I say how do you explain herpes or The Grateful Dead?

Jack: The bitch about getting older, you know, you don't fling yourself into love and friendships the way you did before you got hurt. That's a damn shame.

Jack: Let's rage at the dying of the light a little bit.

Jack: Mom, dad, you both screwed up your lives. Now back off and give me a chance to screw up mine.

Jack: What is it the comedian says when his jokes are going well? "I murdered that audience"..."I killed 'em"..."They screamed"..."I broke 'em up."

Sandy Bates: Yeah. So-so what are you saying? Are you saying that someone like-like myself or... or Laurel and Hardy, or-or Bob Hope are furious?

Jack: Furious or latent homosexual.

Jack: Why'd you come up?

Beth: Because I wanted to be sad. Now I'm sad.

Jack: [after putting Brad's hand in water to make him wet the bed] I'll tell you one thing. We are not nice people!

Matthew Berman: Not tonight, we're not!

Jack: [after Beth kisses him] Wow! That was good. I thought you were gonna knee me in the nuts or something!

Brad Berman: No toilet paper! Ho-ho-ho! You guys are good! Man, oh yeah. This is a brilliant schreck! You guys working for NASA? Huh? Is there a blueprint for this plan, cause I'd love to see it. Tell me, did ya carry it the toilet paper down in shifts? This isn't a privy, it's a think tank!

Jack: You gotta get up pretty early in the morning to beat the schreck king!

Jack: Everyone can't be straight. Everyone can't be beautiful. Everyone can't be the same, Patrick. Some people are just gay and average. We're the strongest I think.

Jack: Sometimes I wonder what you boys would do if you weren't gay. You'd have no identity. It was easy when you couldn't talk about it. Now it's all you talk about. You talk about it so much that you forget about all the other things that you are.

Patrick: When I watch them, it feels so strange. It's like I'm not even a part of it. They're all so much more attractive than I am.

Jack: Patrick...

Patrick: No. You know what? I don't mind. Really, I don't. I kind of like being attractive by association. It's the closest I've ever gotten to feeling beautiful.

Jack: She said she was studying phonics!

Jack: Harlan, you don't dare somebody to kill ya.

Carter: Do you know that you're acting exactly like Malcolm?

Jack: What's wrong with that?

Carter: Nothin'. It's just... kind of creepy.

Jack: Well, if I'm acting like Malcolm at all, you should be grateful.

Carter: Well, uh, yeh, Malcolm got himself killed.

[On a gondola, in a canal, in Venice, Italy]

Jack: How long the streets been fucked up like this?

Jack: [Lira is singing an aria while having sex with Bobby] I used to be able to fuck like that.

Jack: Hi, I'm Jack Fine and this is my suicidal son, Bobby.

Jack: Are you mad at me?

Kate Burroughs: You got it!

Jack: You picked a helluva time to get irrational.

Kate Burroughs: Oh, I'm not irrational. Rational people get angry. Irrational people pretend they don't.

Danny: [when the boat is stuck on a sandbar] We are three-hundred-sixty dollars overbudget. Each. I don't see how we can make a trip to St. Croix unless we have a meeting first.

Jack: I don't see how we can make a trip to St. Croix unless it floats by.

Danny: Yeah.

Jack: Why do you think we love this boat so much?

Kate Burroughs: I don't know.

Jack: You know why?

Kate Burroughs: I knew it. He only asked us so that he could tell us his theory. Go ahead, sweetheart. Tell us why we love this boat so much.

Jack: Because it represents our primeval desire to control water. See? Now, think about it. All our beginnings are wet. Sloshing around in the womb. Baptism. The first life that came out of the warm soup of the ocean. You know?

Danny: [no interest] Mhmmm...

Kate Burroughs: Jack loves ideas. And he can do so much with them. I have seen him take one idea at a dinner party and bring the entire conversation to a complete halt.

Claudia Zimmer: [Nick comes out with clam dish] I love these! I have this insatiable desire to have dominance over the clams.

Jack: It so happens that Venus rose from the sea on a clam shell. Sexuality was born in wetness.

Claudia Zimmer: [laughing] It's easier that way!

Jack: Jeez.

Danny: I love that woman.

Danny: [talking about Nick] He's been having affairs all along. Dozens.

Jack: [disbelief] You're kidding.

Danny: How could you not know? They even slept at your place once.

Jack: Where was I?

Danny: You gave him the key to water your plants and feed the cats while you were away. Didn't you notice the funny expression on the cats' faces?

Jack: He told you all of this?

Danny: Most of it... some of it came out when he was under gas.

Danny: [talking about Nick and Ginny] They're making this trip very difficult.

Jack: They're not even ON this trip! They walk around mooning all the time, making goo-goo eyes... my God, if one of them farts, the other thinks it's Guy Lombardo!

Jack: Danny is driving me crazy. He has to be the expert on everything. What's a matter with him?

Kate Burroughs: He's very needy, that's all.

Jack: Needy? He's hypochondriacal, stingy, bossy, selfish, compulsive, and paranoid. He's the Muhammad Ali of mental illness.

Jack: OK, that's a problem I have. When I get angry, I overanalyze. You know why I do that?

Ginny: [about Anne] You know, I don't want to talk her down, but she is unreliable. I mean Nick has made three appointments to meet her down at his lawyer's office and she's never shown up. She hasn't even called.

Claudia Zimmer: Now wait a minute. No offense, Ginny, but twenty-one years ago Nick said he would be there on the other side of the bed every morning and for the last six months he hasn't kept his appointment either!

Jack: [flustered] Okay, look. Alright, alright. Let's calm down. It's not all that bad. It's just a little embarassing.

Nick: I don't see what the big problem is. We're all adults. We'll just say hello and uh...

Danny: Have a nervous breakdown.

Claudia Zimmer: [approaching Ginny] Ginny, I'm sorry. There is a lot of strain in the situation and I get passionate sometimes.

Ginny: [crying and sniffling] That's okay. I know you're just trying to be fair to everybody.

[Ginny walks away]

Claudia Zimmer: [to Nick] You're the one I wanted to make cry.

[Nick goes after Ginny]

Danny: [to Claudia] Well, you had to open up your mouth again.

Claudia Zimmer: Danny, it's over and done with, please.

Danny: Let's have a nice quiet time... a nice vacation.

Danny: Let me tell you something, Jack: I'm ten years older than you, right?

Jack: Yeah.

Danny: Alright, I just hope that when you get to be my age, you don't smell the foul breath of death and disintegration hanging over your shoulder the way I find it hanging over mine. I mean, I go to sleep at night on an ache so bad that it simply will not go away. I wake up in the middle of the night sweating, hearing my own bones decay. I have shifted into a state of entropy that's progressing geometrically.

Jack: Entropy. Geometrically. Danny, you talk like a bad textbook.

Danny: You think that because I'm quirky I don't hurt? You've got it backwards. I'm quirky because I hurt.

Jack: You do the work of three people. You're perfect!

Kate Burroughs: [disgusted] How DARE you call me that!

Jack: Call you perfect?

Kate Burroughs: Yeah! That's what I heard, right?

Danny: In order to cook Chinese food properly, the temperature has to be at 480 degrees. It's a scientific fact.

Jack: Who said that, Einstein?

Danny: No, Isaac Newton, inventor of mu shu pork.

[Jack doubles over laughing]

Danny: [whining about his various health issues] I have shifted into a state of entropy that is progressing geometrically.

Jack: Entropy. Geometrically. Danny, you talk like a bad textbook.

Danny: You think that because I'm quirky I don't hurt? You've got it backwards. I'm quirky because I hurt.

Nick: Are you upset with me for some reason?

Jack: I just feel really let down by you. I happen to know that you betrayed your wife dozens of times.

Nick: [pauses to think] Okay, if I did, that's what I did to her. What did I do to you?

Jack: You didn't tell either of us.

Nick: What, every time I have an affair with a hat-check girl, I have to run and tell you?

Jack: That's who you were having affairs with? Hat-check girls?

Nick: No! They were all top professionals in their fields. I can't tell you all their names, but two of them were Margaret Thatcher and Indira Gandhi.

Jack: When you're ready to talk intelligently, then we'll talk. Until then, forget it.

Danny: [all are preparing to dive into baguette sandwiches, in Danny's new Mercedes] Don't eat!

Jack: Why?

Danny: The crumbs go down into the upholstery. One loaf of french bread and the resale value goes down five-hundred dollars.

Jack: Can't I just eat the insides

[of my sandwich]

Jack: for a hundred?

Nick: She might fall down! I can't let Ginny just wander around in the snow like that.

Jack: Why not?

Nick: Because she's pregnant.

Jack: Pregnant? You're forty-three years old! You're gonna start having babies now?

Nick: Oh, there's some real heartwarming acceptance. I have to check everything with you? As a matter of fact, I told you I wanted to start a new family.

Jack: With babies?

Nick: What, with airdales?

Kate Burroughs: [calmly, but icily] I'm sorry to have to tell you this.

Kate Burroughs: What?

Jack: You're making me angry.

Kate Burroughs: You're angry? Right now?

Jack: [again, calmly] I'm enraged.

Kate Burroughs: How was I supposed to know? Maybe you can stamp your foot next time. Or try this.

[shrieking]

Kate Burroughs: WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Jack: What is your name, boy?

Sirus: [agitated] Boy? 'Boy' live in jungle with Tarzan, man!

Jack: Please don't make me angry, I'm not very good at it and it upsets me for the rest of the day.

[Donald and Jack in a shoot-out to the death]

Donald: Jaaaack?

Jack: Yeah?

Donald: Time out, OK?

Jack: Time out?

Donald: Time out.

Jack: What do you mean, 'time out?'

Donald: You're not gonna believe this. I was in a hurry when I left the cabin this morning, and, well, silly me, I got the wrong bullets.

[Confessing to his wife that he's a hitman]

Jack: So you see, I'm not out there committing adultery. I'm out there committing murder.

Betty: Oh, thank God!

Donald: Well, I was nervous.

Jack: What about me?

Donald: Oh, come off it, man. You're so cool, you piss ice cubes.

Jack: It's a hereditary thing in my family, y'know. Uhh, nerves, colitis, y'know.

Donald: Colitis? Y'know, that must be horrible being a professional killer with colitis.

Jack: Yeah, that's what...

Donald: They hear you coming, don't they?

Jack: I was raised a strict Southern Baptist. I place a high value on human life... $20,000 minimum.

Jack: S - - man, you ain't got no money. What did they pay you in, food stamps? You oughta be robbing me.

Jack: [after not getting the family's radio to work] Who's been touching the radio?

[shoots a glare at an innocent Eugene]

Jack: Eugene! It's about Poland, damn it! I don't want anyone touching this radio when I'm not home. Is that clear?

Eugene: Guess who's gonna get blamed for the war in Europe!

Jack: [after hearing David was fired] Tell that fuckstick boss of yours to take tomorrow's work day and shove it up his dick!

David Walsh: I don't even know what that means.

Jack: He'll know what it means!

Jack: The... the engagement party! How come you didn't invite me?

David Walsh: I didn't think you'd come.

Jack: I wouldn't have.

David Walsh: Then why are you here?

Jack: 'Cause you didn't invite me.

David Walsh: If I knew you're not going to come, why would I bother sending an invitation?

Jack: Look, there's a reason why I'm your oldest friend in the world.

David Walsh: I can't seem to remember what it is right now.

Jack: I tell the truth.

David Walsh: [about his fiancé] She loves me.

Jack: How much of her Kool-aid did you drink?

Jack: Betting money on terminal cases? Even Manson would call bullshit on this freak show! Get out of here! God!

Dorff: Free country! Love it or leave it!

Jack: They don't deserve the steam off your piss!

David Walsh: Are you smoking crack?

Jack: No, not... not right now.

[in the sauna]

Jack: You ever watch figure skating, man?

David Walsh: Please don't talk. I've got a lot on my mind.

Jack: I'm not into the sushi, but Michelle Kwan...

David Walsh: What are you doing? Can we just sit here and not talk? Can we do that? Let's just try and do that.

Jack: ...I'd suck sake out of her ass in front of my grandmother.

David Walsh: Jack, you know Eric's gay.

Jack: Ya, he's here, he's queer, I'm used to it. I have no problems with queers.

Eric: Well, the community is going to be so thrilled to hear that, Jack.

Jack: I mean it! I mean, sucking dick, when chicks do it, I not only applaud, I want to watch it. I got, I got three-hour pornos with nothing but wall-to-wall ball to jaw. But when I think about chowing down on some other guys' wrinkled Mr. Lincoln...

[makes a face and tries to contain his laughter]

Eric: Jack, are you a cartoon character? I mean, does someone come to your house every morning and draw you on an easel?

Eric: Jack, I'm thinking of a number between one and ten.

Jack: Uh... Six.

Eric: Oh, so close. It was "Go fuck yourself!"

David Walsh: You just gave a dead woman's bracelet to an eighteen year old stripper, who's gonna fuck you in the parking lot, while you snort crank off a hunting knife.

Jack: Your point is?

Jack: Louie? I thought I told you to spread out!

Toby Kwimper: Uhh...

Jack: Nere mind, stay close. I'm a better shot than you any way. Here take the flashlight.

Toby Kwimper: [Toby grabs the flashlight and gun] You know, drunks ought not to be carrying guns.

Jack: [turns and runs from Toby] Hey, Louie! Pete!

Bobby: [recalling how a nude take-out waitress with very large buttocks forced herself on him] Yeah, what a piece of ass.

Jack: Yeah? How did she feel?

Bobby: Well, let's just say she was, ah... big. All over.

Jack: Yeah, sure.

Bobby: Really man, I never knew love making could be so, ahem... physical.

Jack: Can you cook?

Sid: Are you kidding? I can't even boil water.

[last lines]

Jack: Watch this baby...

Leonard Proval: Why don't you guys have something to eat. They have an avocado salad here that'll give you an erection.

Jack: Maybe I'll take one home, for emergencies.

Jack: Pete Smalls is dead.

Leonard Proval: I didn't know that.

Bernie Lake: What do you mean dead? You mean, unfinanceable?

Linda: [referring to Joey] Should he be driving?

Jade: No.

[snorts some cocaine]

Jade: I'll drive.

Jack: It's the drugs that hold Joey together. Right burly man?

Joey: Oh yeah!

Jack: Yo guys, watch out for booby traps!

Ivan: Watch out for what?

Jack: Booby traps.

Jade: What? Where?

Ivan: What fucking booby...

[a redneck throws a bottle at Ivan's head]

Ivan: I want to fucking kill these guys, man.

Jack: You might not wanna do that, bro.

Ivan: Why? There's three of us, three of them.

Jack: I'm a lover, not a fighter, man. Plus, it's a well-known fact that rednecks love their guns.

Ivan: Don't be a pussy.

Jack: I enjoy being a pussy.

Jack: Olive's been crying all morning, what happened to her last night?

Stan Butler: Nothing, that's why she's crying. I think mum did alright -he carved another notch in his walking stick.

Jack: I've been telling the girls about that mystery tour we're going to take them on tonight.

Stan Butler: What mystery tour?

Jack: You know, that one at 9'o clock, on the beach.

Stan Butler: Oh that mystery tour.

Stan Butler: Have you had it off with her yet?

Inspector 'Blakey' Blake: How dare you! She happens to be a very respectable young woman, we're getting rather close.

Stan Butler: 'Ow romantic, she's fallen in love with his big toe.

Jack: That's the best part of him!

Jack: Ere, what do you like?

Red Cross Nurse: You know, a bit of the old shake, rattle and roll.

Jack: That can easily be arranged, why not come with me then. Old Blakey wont teach you anything, not here or anywhere else!

Beverly: Thats right I'm fucking both your investors so don't fuck with me, any questions?

Jack: You know I've never had Sushi before

Jack: So when do we all get to meet your fabulous friend Beverly?

Evan: I'll give you her number, I'm not seen with her in public my wife wouldn't like it.

Jack: Hey, George... How does this relationship nonsense usually work?

George: Usually, you go on a couple of dates, see if you like each other. Eventually you have sex.

Jack: Right. I, uh... I sort of skipped the whole dating thing. So what then?

George: And then, if you're happy with the action, you become boyfriend and girlfriend. It's really fun for, like, three months, and then you realize it's work. Then you dump her. Or not.

Jack: Okay, let's say not.

George: You move in together.

Jack: I did that.

George: Right. Well... Then you get married. You start your trajectory of acquisitions. Knives, forks, juicer, barbecue. You move to the 'burbs. You buy a house. You pop some kids out. You fight, you cheat, you separate, divorce, you split the shit, and see the kids on weekends. Then you start all over again.

Jack: It all sounds so promising.

George: It's just an outline, Jack.

Jack: Mother, look, the beanstalk!

Jack: [singing] I fear nothing when I am in the right / Whoever pushes me around will find me full of fight.

Jack: [about the Princess] We gotta save her.

Mr. Dinkelpuss: You're right.

Jack: There's the castle. Let's go.

Mr. Dinkelpuss: Come on. What am I doing? Go ahead.

The Giant: You numbskull! I can't eat, you ruined my appetite.

Jack: Oh Mr Giant, you should eat something.

The Giant: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Jack: No, no,

The Giant: Oh yeah.

Jack: Oh no, no. Mr. Dinkelpuss! Mr. Dinkelpuss!

Jack: [to Receptionist] I like girls like you, eyes of blue and five feet two.

[repeated line]

Jack: Mr. Dinkelpuss!

Jack: I've been a baby all my life.

Jack: This woman is American. She needs a Mexican.

Jack: Hello Pierce. Smart. Did you get my letter?

Pierce: Look, you're supposed to send this shit to me, okay? It's the law. So whenever I appeal whatever the fuck you're on about which I will...

Jack: Ah, really? I never had you down as a lawyer, Pierce, hm? A complete and utter waste of space, a boozer, somebody who likes the horses, but... never had you down as a lawyer, son.

Pierce: Y-you fucking register this... legal envelope otherwise it's... nix... felicitat! Okay? And... and you fucking send it to me. Here, here.

[grabs coins out of pocket and throws them at Jack]

Pierce: Put that towards it. Leave me alone.