J.P. Quotes in Point of No Return (1993)

Bob: [picks up Maggie's album of Nina Simone] Can I take this?

J.P.: Yeah... sure.

J.P.: [pause] You like Nina?

Bob: [after a while] Yeah. I love her.

J.P.: [pause] We'll miss her?

Bob: [gazes at the picture of Maggie on the wall] Yeah. We'll miss her.

Diane Lightson: Let's just be quiet and let him do his little thing and we'll be on our way.

J.P.: Oh, I will let you be on your way, and when you go...

[bellows]

J.P.: THE CAT'S EYES'LL SPIN! NOW, LISTEN!

Chris Thorne: Ok, we'll listen!

J.P.: [calm again] Hey, hey, ha! Ho ha! Heh heh heh heh! Hoola, Hoola, Hoola! The Boola Boola Boola! Look who's got the front seats to the Mexican hat dance now! Just like a bunch of spiders in a birthday cake!

Chris Thorne: Alvin, I was just thinking you've got enough vintage steel around here to make a few thousand Toyotas. Ever think of selling the whole place to the Japanese?

J.P.: There you go. Does the Pope wear a hat? Was Sergeant York's mother an angel? And will a banker grope for money?

Chris Thorne: I'm not a banker, I'm a financial publisher.

J.P.: Well, all I know is in '17 after they shipped me off to fight, some New York financier rolled in here one day and hog-glowsered and tub-wankled my grandfather into mining out the whole town in exchange for shares in something called the United Coke Company. Do you know what those stock certificates are worth today?

[shouts]

J.P.: JUST ABOUT THE FINEST OUTHOUSE WALLPAPER YOU'VE EVER SEEN! We were forced to become what you drove through today; a burnt out coal field and the biggest icebox graveyard this side of the Ohio foundry belt! And that's why I *never* let a banker go!

Fausto: So your grandpa made a lousy deal, is that our problem?

Diane Lightson: Judge, that's a very tragic, tragic story.

J.P.: I believe it is.

Renalda: You should do a book.

J.P.: If it was an ambulance you got a chance, if it's in a hearse, it's gotta be worse!

J.P.: You might be interested to know that you are *not* under the jurisdiction of just any old fishing license dispenser and stamp pad jockey! We've always been set to deal with the offenders *once* and for all at their first appearance! Quick as sump grease through a ten-year old goose!

[whistles]

Chris Thorne: Congratulations, I'm glad to know thing are running smoothly for you.

[lights a cigar]

J.P.: [bellows] PUT OUT THAT DOG ROCKET!

J.P.: I'm of the school that believes that the last thirty seconds of a person's life ought to have a little zip in them!

J.P.: [at the dinner table, a meat grinder makes a whining noise like a dog] How do you like your dog?

Diane Lightson: They're serving dog?

J.P.: Oh, no, no, no ,*hot* dogs, *hot* dogs. Dutch country, prized Hereford winners.

Diane Lightson: [relieved] Oh! Hot dogs!

J.P.: [asking about Chris' job] Banker?

Chris Thorne: No, not banker. Financial publisher. "Thorne Weekly"?

J.P.: Ok, banker.

J.P.: Y'know, you are worse than a week of yellow shitstorms.

J.P.: Welcome to Supper! How 'bout a nice Hawaiian Punch?

Chris Thorne: Thank you, Judge. You know, there's nothing better at the end of a long day on the road than a nice warm glass of Hawaiian Punch.

J.P.: You really put the pin in the party hog now, girl!

J.P.: Get yer Eye-talian loafers outta my bedpan!

J.P.: Go suck a bug.

Chris Thorne: You may kiss the bride.

Chris Thorne: Oh, not in front of all these people, your honor.

J.P.: [yelling] NOW!

J.P.: No choice now but house policy.

J.P.: Fine, house policy! *What's* house policy?

Chris Thorne: Well, whatever man she touches is the one she keeps!

Chris Thorne: Aw, no!

[Eldona carries him off happily]

Chris Thorne: Oh, come on, all I did run a goddamn stoplight! I just want to get to Atlantic City!

Dennis: [about Chris and company] I recommend fine, bond, and release.

J.P.: Ah, tut tut tut tut! What else you wanna do for them, bake 'em a pie?

J.P.: Where's that no-good, dog food eatin' grandson of mine... DENNIS!

J.P.: [Chris tries to hit him in the thigh] I left that leg in France... and now, I'M GONNA STICK YOU! I'm gonna dig so many new holes in you, you're gonna look like a salt shaker!

J.P.: [asking Chris if he takes Eldona to be his wife]

Chris Thorne: [stuttering] I di...

J.P.: Pardon?

Chris Thorne: [stuttering] bu...

J.P.: What?

Chris Thorne: [stuttering] I can'...

J.P.: Speak up!

Chris Thorne: [sweating] I do. I do.

Chris Thorne: Come on, death for running a stop sign?

J.P.: *And* for being a banker! That's the double death.

J.P.: All I've ever cared about was video games and they made me a millionaire. So maybe I don't know what the Civil War was, or who invented the helicopter even though I own one, but I did beat The Legend of Zelda before I could walk. I'm thinking about getting metal legs. It's a risky operation, but it'll be worth it.

J.P.: Adios, turd nuggets.

J.P.: [Upon leaning against a black wall in a black jacket]

[Stunned]

J.P.: How could he see me?

J.P.: [Robot Voice to Alex walking away] I hate your face.

Alex: [pauses, turns around] Did you say something?

J.P.: [Hides behind coat]

Alex: You're fuckin' weird.

J.P.: ...How did he see me?

J.P.: Are you afraid of it?

Kane: No I just don't like techno.

J.P.: You would if you had robot ears.

J.P.: [in robot voice] Please sit on my face

[robot noises]

J.P.: How do you two know each other?

Samantha: I woke him up here this morning. He fell asleep working late last night.

J.P.: Yeah. Well, that's what old people do. They fall asleep.

Alex: Wow J.P, that is a great outfit. How much do clothes cost in The Matrix?

J.P.: So funny I forgot to laugh. Ehehe.

J.P.: Back to work, testers!

J.P.: [In robot voice] I am a geeenius!