J.J. McClure Quotes in The Cannonball Run (1981)

J.J. McClure: Listen to what I'm telling you. You go find a doctor. Get me Dr. Kildare. Get me Dr. Livingston. Get me Dr. Frankenstein. Just get me a doctor! Go where the - go where the doctors hang out.

Victor Prinsi: Where is that?

J.J. McClure: Bars, golf courses.

Victor Prinsi: Golf course, bar. All right. Where else? Hospital!

J.J. McClure: Try that too.

J.J. McClure: what about a black trans-am? No, that's been done!

J.J. McClure: I'm sure that doctor's a very sweet man, basically.

Victor Prinsi: Oh, thank you.

J.J. McClure: But don't you ever tell me where you found him. Ever.

Doctor Nikolas Van Helsing: I'm Nikolas Van Helsing, professor of proctology and other related tendencies. A graduate of the University of Rangoon. And assorted night classes at the Knoxville Tennessee school of faith healing.

J.J. McClure: You may be a little over qualified for this job.

J.J. McClure: What's Dr. Gay do?

Victor Prinsi: He's my shrink. He was committed yesterday.

J.J. McClure: Why?

Victor Prinsi: He was smoking bananas. He gets very upset when he talks to 'Him'.

J.J. McClure: So do I!

Fenderbaum: [Fenderbaum and Blake's Ferrari drives alongside J.J.'s ambulance] Pull over! We want to give you our blessing!

Victor Prinsi: J.J., there are two priests in that car. They want us to pull over.

J.J. McClure: Victor, that's two priests driving a Ferrari. When's the last time you saw two priests drive a Ferrari? What are they doing, taking home the bingo money?

Victor Prinsi: No, they're doing the work of the Lord. In a Ferrari, they can just do it faster.

J.J. McClure: Look, we can't have a car with numbers on it. So, we're going to have to disguise the car somehow.

Victor Prinsi: Alright.

J.J. McClure: How about a big, black limousine with diplomatic plates?

Victor Prinsi: Nah!

J.J. McClure: Nah. I know, a bloodmobile. They wouldn't stop a bloodmobile, would they?

Victor Prinsi: Nah!

J.J. McClure: Nah.

Victor Prinsi: An ice cream truck! Yeah, an ice cream truck! Y'know, they gotta get there before it melts!

Mr. Foyt: Well, how do you all feel now you have raped the American highways?

J.J. McClure: Beautiful!

J.J. McClure: Thanks to you, Victor, we do not have a female patient in the back. Thanks to your wonderful cousin Tessie.

Victor Prinsi: Well, it's not my fault that she didn't fit in the stretcher!

J.J. McClure: She doesn't fit in the AMBULANCE!

Gas Station Attendant: 7-11, how can I help you?

J.J. McClure: Pumps one and two, hit 'em!

Gas Station Attendant: What are you, some kind of nut? You've got one unleaded there and one premium!

J.J. McClure: She goes both ways. The round orange moon pie with the white hat on, he'll pay for it.

J.J. McClure: Hey, Victor, didja get anything to eat?

Victor Prinsi: Yeah, I gotta lotta goodies for you guys and a Big Gulp Dr Pepper for me!

[singing and dancing]

Victor Prinsi: "I'm a peppa/You're a peppa/He's a peppa/She's a peppa/Wouldn't ya like to be a peppa too?

J.J. McClure: [impatiently] WILL YOU GET IN HERE?

J.J. McClure: You all right, Victor?

Victor Prinsi: Oh, I'm fine, J.J. It only hurts when I point.

Pamela Glover: Are you one of those volleyballers?

J.J. McClure: Cannonballers. No.

Jamie Blake: I just want to thank you for informin' them about us back in Missouri. You know, how we're flashers and sex maniacs.

J.J. McClure: Well, I was just repayin' you for what you and the chocolate monk did back in Ohio.

Fenderbaum: Chocolate Monk?

Jamie Blake: He can say that. Yeah, he can say that, cause he's ridin' around with the "Good Year" blimp!

J.J. McClure: [Looking at Vic] He can say that. He can say that cause if I had the time, I'd take those rosary beads and shove em up your nose.

Jamie Blake: These rosary beads? Up this nose?

J.J. McClure: Yeah.

Jamie Blake: Will ya take a little advice? Bring friends.

Fenderbaum: Ha! Lots of em.

J.J. McClure: They weren't 'Fathers'...

J.J. McClure, Victor Prinsi: ...They were 'mothers'!

J.J. McClure: Excuse me. Excuse me. Hey, Mad Dog!

Mad Dog: Hey, J.J!

J.J. McClure: Look, you probably didn't realize this, but the parking lot's outside.

Mad Dog: I know. The brakes went out.

J.J. McClure: Who do you think you are? The president?

Mad Dog: [imitating Richard Nixon] Well, let me make one thing perfectly clear, we feel terrible about it. Now, if they can't take a joke,

[gives the up yours arm gesture sans finger]

[J.J. is pissed that Captain Chaos has disappeared]

J.J. McClure: When you don't want him he's around! When you want him he's not around! I'm gonna go get a beer!

Captain Chaos: DA-DA-DUM!

Pamela Glover: I can't believe this is happening to me. This is not a joke any more. I'm being kidnapped.

J.J. McClure: Well, you can call it kidnapping if you want to be rude.

[At the Portofino Inn, Victor, in his Captain Chaos persona, saves a woman's dog from drowning in the bay and is hailed a hero, but J.J. is furious, as his selfless act cost him and J.J. the championship win]

Victor Prinsi: [as Captain Chaos] J.J., I've saved that woman's dog.

J.J. McClure: [furious] Victor... we could've won that race. Do ya understand what I'm telling you? We could've won it!

Doctor Nikolas Van Helsing: You understand that? You had to go and pull that stupid stunt.

Pamela Glover: He's right, Victor.

J.J. McClure: We are sick of Captain Chaos. We are so sick of Captain Chaos that we could throw up. So you know what, Victor? There's not gonna be anymore Captain Chaos.

[grabs and rip off the mask from Victor's head; yells]

J.J. McClure: NO MORE! Ya see what I'm telling you? NO MORE!

[snatches Victor cape and slams it on the ground]

J.J. McClure: No more Captain Chaos EVER! Now what do ya think of that?

[crowd laughs as Victor seemingly feels broken-hearten over J.J. act of poor sportsmanship]

Victor Prinsi: I don't care, because...

[changes into a new superhero persona with a American flag-like mask and cape]

Victor Prinsi: I've always wanted be... Captain USA! Da-Da-DUM!

[J.J. and the racer laughs]

Victor Prinsi: It's a dirty job, but somebody go to do it.

[the racers, all neck and neck, are approaching the finish line, with Mad Dog and Batman in the lead]

Mad Dog: We got 'em.

Batman: We got 'em!

[Suddenly a car come in the way, forcing Mad Dog & Batman's GMC truck to do a 180 stop. Bradford and Shakey's motorcycle slips and skids]

J.J. McClure: [screams] LOOK OUT!

[J.J. and Victor's ambulance van and all the other cars come to screeching halt]

J.J. McClure: [yells] Okay, it's a foot race!

Doctor Nikolas Van Helsing: I've got the card.

J.J. McClure: No, gimmie that, Doc! Come on, it's a foot race!

[All the racers storm out and begin running to the finish line to see who can be the first to punch at the clock and win the race]

Victor Prinsi: Have no fear! Chaos is here! DA-DA-DUM!

J.J. McClure: [hands Victor the time card] Take it and win, Captain!

Pamela Glover: Come on, Chaos! You can do it!

[as Victor and Marcie sprints, J.J. jumps on the other racers, tackling them down]

Doctor Nikolas Van Helsing: Does anyone need medical attention?

CHP Officer: What are you boys trying to pull?

J.J. McClure: There's been a nuclear meltdown and we're transporting some contaminated materials to Connecticut.

CHP Officer: Well, why Connecticut?

J.J. McClure: They ran out.

Fenderbaum: It's General Patton and general admission.

[He and Blake laugh]

J.J. McClure: Heckle and Jeckle dressed as cops. They oughta arrest their minds for vagrancy.

Captain Chaos: J.J... Long time, no see.

J.J. McClure: Nice to see you, Captain Chaos.

Captain Chaos: Have no fear, 'Him' is here.

J.J. McClure: I need a girl.

Victor: Yeah, me too.

J.J. McClure: You?

Victor: Sure. Hey, J.J., I'm not a eunuch, you know.

J.J. McClure: Of course you're not a eunuch. Don't put yourself down like that. You have a striking resemblance to a eunuch but...

[Both laugh]

J.J. McClure: Just kidding.

Victor: [J.J. has just performed a dangerous stunt] I figured it out. If we do this ten times a day, by the end of the year, we'll be billionaires.

[Victor tears up a telegram]

J.J. McClure: What is that?

Victor: Oh, don't worry about that. It's the Cannonball race. It's on again. A million dollars is the first prize. But don't you worry, we'll be billionaires.

[J.J. picks up a handful of hay and stuffs it into Victor's mouth]

Victor: What did I say?

J.J. McClure: You want me to do this ten times a day?

Victor: Nine?

[J.J. stuffs another handful of hay in his mouth]

Victor: What a grouch!

J.J. McClure: What line did you say you were from?

Betty: The Order of Imaculate Chastity.

Victor: The Order of Imaculate Chastity? I read the bible all the time. In fact, I once read the bible that was printed on the head of a pin. That was hard. But, I've never heard of the Order of Imaculate...

Veronica: You have to read the New Testament. In fact, it's not even the New Testament. It's the New... uh...

Betty: New Wave.