Irwin Wayfair Quotes in Small Soldiers (1998)

Irwin Wayfair: We can't have toys out on the market that may be dangerous.

Larry Benson: How can they be dangerous? Everything on them is standard. The design is standard, the materials are standard... The mechanicals are standard. Even the... Oh.

Irwin Wayfair: What's "Oh"?

Larry Benson: What?

Irwin Wayfair: You just said "Oh."

Larry Benson: No, l said "Oh."

Irwin Wayfair: "Oh" like "Something interesting" or "We're screwed"?

Larry Benson: No. l mean, hey, whoa, oh... Forget the "Oh". l'll go to legal to start on the countersuit.

Irwin Wayfair: The chips! That's the "Oh."! These microprocessing chips. What do they do and where did you get them from?

Larry Benson: They microprocess. And they come from the land of l Saved Your Job.

Irwin Wayfair: [as Irwin checking the origins of the chips in the computer] They were designed for the Defense Department. You put munitions chips in toys?

Ralph, Clean Room Technician: The chips are a little sensitive to EMP.

Irwin Wayfair: EMP?

Ralph, Clean Room Technician: Electomagnetic Pulse. As in the kind generated by the detonation of a nuclear device? I doubt that the toy industry has become quite that competitive.

Christy Fimple: Sixteen? Where'd they get sixteen from?

Irwin Wayfair: Seven Gorgonites and nine people

Gil Mars: Excuse me, did you say "learn"?

Irwin Wayfair: [stuttering] Learn, learn... yeah

Gil Mars: ...Next.

Larry Benson: Great! All we need now is a nuclear warhead.

Irwin Wayfair: l doubt l'll have one in the junk drawer.

Phil Fimple: Nuclear warhead? What are you talking about?

Larry Benson: The chips aren't shielded against an EMP. A nuclear blast would wipe them out.

Irwin Wayfair: That's why the military never used them.

Stuart Abernathy: What kind of moron would put military technology in toys?

Irwin Wayfair: [pointing at Larry] Well that would be Gizmo over here.

Gil Mars: Now these guys are soldiers, right? And what do soldiers need?

Irwin Wayfair: Hats?

[first lines]

Irwin Wayfair: He's here! He's early! He's not supposed to be here now. He said... okay, here's the copy of... check.

Larry Benson: Pretty exciting, huh?

Irwin Wayfair: I don't know. I think it's kinda sad, I mean you know Heartland Toys has a long tradition of bringing joy to kids, ya know? Gil Mars isn't going to care about any of that. He's just gonna care about profits. I think it sucks.

Larry Benson: Welcome to Earth, Irwin. You may not be familiar with our company, but this is pretty much the way things work down here in the real world.

Irwin Wayfair: Yeah, well the real world sucks.