Irwin Quotes in It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World (1963)


Irwin Quotes:

  • Policeman: You fellows all right?

    Ray: Now they show up. Where were you when we needed you?

    Irwin: Writing parking tickets, I suppose.

    Policeman: They're still alive!

  • Ray: [after hitting Pike unconscious with a pop bottle] Holy mackerel. When he started... Listen, we better get him tied up. What are we gonna do when he comes to?

    Irwin: Hit him again.

    Ray: Oh I couldn't!

  • Irwin: [Winter is trying to compromise with Irwin, while in his cell] No. Not OK. It's too late, Colonel.

    Winter: It's too late for what?

    Irwin: For your offer. The men don't want to salute. They don't want to use rank. They don't want better food, they don't want more TV. They just want your resignation. And so do I.

    Winter: My resignation?

    Irwin: You're a disgrace, Colonel. A *disgrace* to the uniform! You should not be allowed to retain your command.

    Winter: Well, then, I guess I'd better go pack.

    Irwin: I think you should.

    Winter: Tell me, Mr. Irwin, what's to stop me from just placing you in the HOLE, for say six months?

    Irwin: Nothing. If that's the way you want to win.

  • Irwin: [narrating first lines] Take a look at a castle. Any castle. Now break down the key elements that make it a castle. They haven't changed in a thousand years. 1: Location. A site on high ground that commands the territory as far as the eye can see. 2: Protection. Big walls, walls strong enough to withstand a frontal attack. 3: A garrison. Men who are trained and willing to kill. 4: A flag. You tell your men you are soldiers and that's your flag. You tell them nobody takes our flag. And you raise that flag so it flies high where everyone can see it. Now you've got yourself a castle. The only difference between this castle and all the rest is that they were built to keep people out. This castle is built to keep people in.

  • Irwin: [to captain Pertz, while looking at Winter's military collection, while Winters overhears their conversation] Any man with a collection like this is a man who's never set foot on a battlefield. To him a minié ball from Shiloh is just an artifact. But to a combat vet, it's a hunk of metal that caused some poor bastard a world of pain.

  • Irwin: [in the cafeteria] We can no long wear the uniform of the soldier. We forfeited that right and that includes me. I disobeyed an executive order, I violated my duty as a commanding officer. And eight men paid a catastrophic price. It's a mistake not easy to live with. So here I am just like you, a convicted criminal. Only difference between you and me is, I know I'm guilty.

    [the prisoners laugh]

    Irwin: So we're packed away here as prisoners. And one thing is certain, our captor have the power. They can humiliate us, they can beat us, they can lock us away in a dark hole for days on end. But there's one thing they cannot do. They cannot take away from us, who we *are*. And we are soldiers! And it is the one thing, the ONE thing that gives us a chance in here. And that nobody can take away!

  • Irwin: [over the radio] Colonel. I'm taking command of your prison.

    Winter: Like hell you are!

  • Yates: My father was with you in Hanoi.

    Irwin: [while in his cell] What's your name?

    Yates: Yates.

    Irwin: Yates? Sam Yates?

    Yates: That's right.

    Irwin: Good man.

    Yates: Nah, he wasn't.

    Irwin: After 30 years everyone's a good man. It's the law.

  • Winter: [while in his office] See, I too share the burden of command. You may not think that I've ever set foot on a battlefield, but that's because you've never sat behind this desk. This desk! My men and I are vastly outnumbered. We spend every day behind enemy lines because, make no mistake about it, Mr. Irwin, they are the enemy! But then, I don't have to justify myself to YOU, do I, Mr. Irwin?

    Irwin: I don't know. Do you?

  • Cpl. Ramon Aguilar: [while in the prison yard] That was a salute.

    Irwin: A sa... Oh, no.


    Irwin: I don't think so. You know where saluting comes from?

    Cpl. Ramon Aguilar: No, sir.

    Irwin: It comes from medieval times. Two knights would approach each other on horseback. They would raise their visors and show their faces. It's like they're saying, "This is who I am. I'm not the enemy and I'm not afraid." A salute's about respect, son. Respect for yourself, the service and the flag.

  • [Irwin and Enriquez are playing chess]

    Irwin: [while in his cell] Very good. You have check-mate in five moves.

    Enriquez: Looks that way, sir.

    [Irwin moves his knight]

    Enriquez: Why are you moving if I have check-mate in five moves?

    Irwin: 'cause I have check-mate in three.

    Enriquez: Shall we, er, call it a draw?

  • [on having his hands visible all the time during Gen. Wheeler's visit]

    Irwin: I guess that rules out the hand-job.

  • Winter: [while in his office] What do you expect from your time at The Castle?

    Irwin: Nothing. I just want to do my time, and go home.

    Winter: That is the perfect answer.

  • Winter: Give me back my flag!

    Irwin: It's not your flag.

  • Dellwo: [in the cafeteria] What happened here today happens all the time, sir.

    Irwin: So let me get this straight. You mean there's violence, in a prison packed with violent criminals?

  • Irwin: [while in his cell] Well, I thought your father was a good man. How's he doing?

    Yates: He's dead.

    Irwin: Oh. Sorry to hear that. What happened?

    Yates: [pauses] He came home.

  • Irwin: [declining fellow inmates' suggestion to have Col. Winter reported to his superiors for his crimes] I'm not fighting anyone or anything, anymore.

  • Irwin: I see four green fields. Brits in one of them. But not for fucking long.

    1st Biker: No politics, man. Border Knights don't allow them. Jams the astral highway.

    Irwin: So why do you cal yourself the Border Knights?

    1st Biker: Because the only border that matters is the one between what's in front and what you've left behind.

  • Bob McGraw: Well, you just made it through the world's most dangerous rapid... and now... it's beer time!

    Irwin: You mean I risked my life and you give me lite-beer?

  • Irwin: I've got five dollars.

    Samantha: Five dollars? You couldn't get in my purse, for five dollars.

  • Flower Hercules: Hercules: the strongest man ever to wear a skirt.

    Irwin: Are you going to be my mother or my father?

    Flower Hercules: I am both. Consider the perfect soul. I search for no one and no one looks for me. Whatever I need, I look within myself to find. I am complete. I am not king nor queen, yet I am both a mother and a father.

    Irwin: You prayed to be this way?

    Flower Hercules: Isn't that what Father Harlan says: pray and you shall receive?

Browse more character quotes from It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World (1963)