Irving Zisman Quotes in Bad Grandpa (2013)


Irving Zisman Quotes:

  • [from trailer]

    Bicycle man: Don't hurt me! Don't hurt me!

    Irving Zisman: Hurt you? I'm 86 years old!

  • Irving Zisman: My Spanish name is El Mucho Ding-Dong.

  • Billy: [to the grocery store employee] Sometimes he shits himself.

    Irving Zisman: [turns to Billy] I don't shit myself, you little prick!

  • Irving Zisman: You young ladies in the market for a nice bed?

    Woman #1: No.

    Irving Zisman: Seventy-five dollars.

    Woman #2: What's so special about it?

    Irving Zisman: It's got that special vibrating feature, you know what I'm saying?


  • Irving Zisman: [while making a ham sandwich in the store] Now, let's get some damn mustard.

  • Irving Zisman: [to one of the male black strippers] So I bet you got a pretty big Tootsie Roll, huh?

  • Irving Zisman: Sir, can you help me? Can you help me, sir? I don't expect you to understand but I have my penis stuck in the soda machine!

  • Irving Zisman: [to Billy at the diner] Oh, man. I think all this bacon's getting to Grandpa.


  • Billy: [while pushing his drunken grandpa in a shopping cart down the street] You shouldn't drink so much.

    Irving Zisman: Pipe down!


    Irving Zisman: Oh, God...

    Billy: [keeps pushing the cart] Do you have any idea how heavy you are?

    Irving Zisman: [mumbling] Do you have any idea how I don't give a shit?

  • Irving Zisman: I may be too old to stir the gravy but I'm still old enough to lick the spoon, that's for damn sure!


  • Irving Zisman: [about his deceased wife] She was a pain in my ass when we were married and she passed away, she's still being a pain in my ass!

  • Irving Zisman: [to a woman] You know when I was overseas, when you used to sleep with a prostitute, they would squeeze lime juice on your schmeckle to see if you had any diseases. And if you went, "Ooooowww" it means you got something 'cause the cuts burn. I never went "Ooooowww" but one time.

  • Irving Zisman: [to the fast-food worker] We need some chickens and a big side of poontang!


  • Irving Zisman: [about a girl Billy knew] Was she your girlfriend?

    Billy: Yeah...

    Irving Zisman: How long did you go out with her?

    Billy: A day.

    Irving Zisman: [bursts out laughing] A day? Reminds me of most of my relationships!

  • Billy: [about his grandma] She passed away.

    Woman: [gently] Oh dear, that's very sad.

    Irving Zisman: Well, it's not so sad. She was kind of a bitch, but yeah.

    Woman: [gasps] Jeez. My goodness!

    Irving Zisman: Well, gotta call a spade a spade.

  • Irving Zisman: [after putting his dead wife in his trunk] Can we say a prayer? Lord, please look after Billy and I on our journey with Ellie. And Lord, please look after these men because they were very sweet... and also accomplices to probably what was... technically a crime, but... we're not gonna say anything...

    James: [walks away] Come on, man! Are you serious?

    Irving Zisman: [continues with his prayer] In your name we pray. Amen.

  • Irving Zisman: [upon hearing his wife had died] Oh. I thought she'd *never* die!

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Characters on Bad Grandpa (2013)