Irv Quotes in The Last Stand (2013)

[Sheriff Owens jumps into the diner for cover]

Irv: How are you sheriff?

Sheriff Ray Owens: Old.

Irv: Nah, you got a ways to go yet.

Sanka Coffie: I'm the driver.

Irv: You're not. You're the brakeman.

Sanka Coffie: You don't understand, I am Sanka Coffie, I am the best pushcart driver in all of Jamaica! I must drive! Do you dig where I'm coming from?

Irv: Yeah, I dig where you're coming from.

Sanka Coffie: Good.

Irv: Now dig where I'm coming from. I'm coming from two gold medals. I'm coming from nine world records in both the two- and four-man events. I'm coming from ten years of intense competition with the best athletes in the world.

Sanka Coffie: That's a hell of a place to be coming from!

Irv: Derice, a gold medal is a wonderful thing. But if you're not enough without one, you'll never be enough with one.

[Turns to leave]

Derice Bannock: Hey coach, how will I know if I'm enough?

Irv: When you cross that finish line tomorrow, you'll know.

Irv: You see Sanka, the driver has to work harder than anyone. He's the first to show up, and the last to leave. When his buddies are all out drinking beer, he's up in his room studying pictures of turns. You see, a driver must remain focused one hundred percent at all times. Not only is he responsible for knowing every inch of every course he races, he's also responsible for the lives of the other men in the sled. Now do you want that responsibility?

Sanka Coffie: I say we make Derice the driver.

Irv: So do I, Sanka. So do I.

British Official: We must also be concerned about the potential for embarrassment.

Irv: Oh, pardon me. I didn't realize that four black guys in a bobsled could make you blush.

Irv: Our Father, who art in Calgary, Bobsled be thy name. Thy kingdom come, gold medals won, on Earth as it is in Turn Seven. With Liberty and Justice for Jamaica and Haile Selassie. Amen.

Irv: [telling Derice why he cheated] It's a fair question. It's quite simple, really. I had to win. You see, Derice, I had made winning my whole life, and when you make winning your whole life, you have to keep on winning, no matter what. Understand?

Derice Bannock: No, I don't understand. You won two gold medals. You had it all.

Irv: Derice, a gold medal is a wonderful thing. But if you're not enough without it, you'll never be enough with it.

Sanka Coffie: Coach! Coach! I can't get my helmet on!

[Irv smashes helmet with fist]

Sanka Coffie: Thanks coach!

Irv: That's what I'm here for.

Josef Grul: Hey, Jamaica! Watch out for Number Twelve turn. Scary, ja?

Derice Bannock: What's his problem?

Irv: He's Josef Grul. He's one of the best drivers in the world.

Yul Brenner: Yeah, he's one of the biggest ASSHOLES in the world, too.

[about to be pushed off start]

Sanka Coffie: Oh, wait. Coach, I gotta go. You know?

Irv: Hold it.

Sanka Coffie: Hold it?

Irv: Hold it.

Sanka Coffie: Hold it?

Irv: Yeah, hold it!

Sanka Coffie: But, Coach, I can't hold it. We're not bobsledding yet.

Irv: Oh, yes we are.

[pushes them off]

Sanka Coffie: Coach... Coach!

[the bobsled picks up speed and careens down the track]

Sanka Coffie: Coach! COACH! Aaahh! Slow it down! Slow it- slow it down! Oh, my God! Oh, Derice, oh, Derice I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!

Irv: All right, Derice. Let me lay out some difficulties for you. Snow: you don't have any. It's nine hundred degrees out there. Time: you don't have any. The Olympics are in three months. And me: you don't have me. As far as I'm concerned, the sport of bobsledding no longer exists. I don't want to do it, I don't want to coach it, and most of all, and I mean most of all, I don't want to be within two thousand miles of anybody who does. Now did you follow all that?

Irv: Oh, yeah, just one little drawback to this delightful winter sport. The high-speed crash. Ooh! That hurt. Always remember, your bones will not break in a bobsled. No, no, no. They shatter.

Irv: I told the owner of the bar that these guys were mentally disturbed, so he's not going to press any charges.

Sanka Coffie: Yeah! Sled god does it again!

Irv: Just shut up, Sanka.

[the team emerges from the airport into a blizzard]

Irv: It's not so much the heat, it's the humidity that'll kill you.

Irv: This is what it's all about, this is whether you win or lose the race, right here in the push start! This is where you're gonna practice, right here, right here in a Volkswagon!

Irv: Go, go, go! Now, now, now, now!

Irv: Winning a bobsled race is about one thing: the push-start. Now I know you dainty, little track-stars think you're fast. Well, heh, let's see how fast you are when you push a six-hundred pound sled. Now a respectable start-time is five-point-seven seconds. If you speed demons can't whip off an even six flat, you have a better chance of becoming a barbershop quartet.

Irv: Hi, I'd like to register for the tryouts.

Registration Official: What country?

Irv: Uh...

[clears throat]

Irv: Jamaica.

Registration Official: [smiles] What country?

Irv: *Jamaica*.

Registration Official: [stops smiling and enters the information] Huh, what do you know? A Jamaican bobsled team.

[repeated line after someone has said something degrading]

Irv: [sarcastic] That's very funny.

Irv: [taking out car part] Hey, Burt, what the hell is this?

Burt: Oh, I don't know, about seven hundred bucks, Irv?

Stanley Ipkiss: I'm here for the Civic.

Irv: The brake drums are shot and you need a new transmission.

Stanley Ipkiss: What? All I wanted was an oil change!

Burt: Well, you're lucky we caught these problems now before they cause you some serious trouble.

Irv: I'm not a god. That's just a rumor my mother started.

Irv: I'm Irv Giddeon, and I've come here to see as many ancient ruins as possible.

[looking Barnaby up and down]

Irv: And judging from your husband, the trip is already a success.

Irv: [to the tour group] How many of you, like me, have come here to fondle as many nude statues as possible?

[to Irv, while he acts as the Oracle]

Dr. Tullen: Will my daughter ever stop sulking?

Caitlin: Will my parents ever stop fighting?

Irv: Parents sometimes forget that they're an example.

Irv: I have a question.

Georgia: Yeah.

Irv: [referring to Dr. Tullen, who is covered head-to-toe] What's with the beekeeper?

Mr. Tullen: My wife needs protection from the sun!

Irv: But we're not going to the sun.

Irv: You know, I was a much nicer guy when my wife was alive. She died three years ago. She used to say to me, 'They don't know you're kidding, Irv.' She would say, 'You're not as funny as you think you are.' Just like you.

Georgia: It's nice you had had a good marriage.

Irv: [chuckling] We fought everyday. I took her to Egypt. We fought all day about whether the pyramids were majestic or 'magnificent. It was magic. Twenty-eight years. I woke up every day smiling.

Georgia: [wistful] I could live with that.

Georgia: [on the bus, to her group] I'd like to apologize for my unprofessional attitude this morning. Have you ever had one of those days? Actually, it's been about a year.

[as he raises his hand]

Georgia: Yes, Irv.

Irv: Me too! I would like to apologize to everybody. It was my medication. I take Preparation H, 'cause I'm an asshole.

Irv: You know how you like to get up in front of everybody and bore us?

Georgia: [dryly] Please go on.

Irv: I have a very exciting idea. Why don't you try entertaining everybody?

Georgia: Irv, how am I gonna do that?

Irv: History has got a lot of dirty stories. Sex sells.

[to Irv, while he acts as the Oracle]

Kim: We've been talking about starting a family, and, well...

Big Al: Big Al's just gonna come out and say it: I'm scared, man.

Irv: Being a parent is the most rewarding thing ever. And I know you're going to be a great father.

Irv: [to an unimpressed Georgia, about his jokes] Jeez, this is comedy. The Greeks invented it. It's like mustaches on women.

Irv: [as the group gathers outside of the church] You know, my wife and I have taken tours for 20 years. This one gotta be the worst.

Georgia: Here we go again. Yeah, yeah, I know, yeah, I stink, I wrecked Greece.

Irv: [sadly as he walks past her] It's the worst because my wife is not here. And it's just not the same.

Georgia: Well, you know what? If I were her, I wouldn't be here with you either. I'm sure she's spending her vacation somewhere...

[stops as his face turns down, mortified as she realizes what he meant]

Georgia: I'm so sorry.

Georgia: [walking around the ruins] I know every fact and every figure about this place. I mean, I love it here. And they just want to have fun. And I get it, but I don't know how to make this job fun.

Irv: Well if you call it a job, it ain't fun. I mean, look at porn stars. They get to 'schtup' all day. They should be happy. You never hear about a happy porn star.

Irv: Don't you have a boyfriend?

Georgia: I'm on a tour bus like six days a week.

Irv: Well, you gotta get in touch with your wild thing.

Lena: [to Irv, as he acts as the Oracle] Why did my husbands cheat on?

Irv: It wasn't you he cheated. Some men cheat themselves out of living a life with a woman they love.

Lena: Thank you.