Irene P. Waters Quotes in Me, Myself & Irene (2000)

Hank Evans: You know, I think you're a very special unit.

Irene P. Waters: That's sweet.

Hank Evans: I hope we get to know each other better.

Irene P. Waters: Yeah, me too.

Hank Evans: Do you swallow?

Irene P. Waters: Stay away from me, Hank! I know what you have planned, OK? I saw your so-called "supplies."

Hank Evans: Oh... that! I wasn't gonna just... ram it home, you know. I was gonna... lube it up and ease it in there, inch by inch, like a gentleman.

Irene P. Waters: I was talking about the shovel and the lime.

Hank Evans: Listen, Pocahontas, unless you put your ear to the ground, you'll never hear the buffalo comin'!

Irene P. Waters: Look, I don't know what that means, okay?

Hank Evans: It means either he's gotta make up a battle plan, or old Hank's gonna have to take over for Charlie for good.

Irene P. Waters: Did you just refer to yourself in the fourth person?

Irene P. Waters: I never wanted to sleep with you, Hank! Okay, you tricked me!

Hank Evans: Yes, I tricked you. It was deceitful, it was disgusting and despicable. But just for once, see it from my side.

[shrugs]

Hank Evans: I was horny.

Hank Evans: So, what's your tale, Mother Goose? Where ya from?

Irene P. Waters: Oh, all over.

Hank Evans: Omnipresence. I like that in a woman.

Irene P. Waters: So I smoked some pot, what is that a crime?

Agent Steve Parfitt, FBI: [hesitates] ... Uh-huh.

Hank Evans: Holy Jesus in heaven! it's a giant Q-tip.

Irene P. Waters: Hank!

Hank Evans: What? I'm jokin' with the guy. Bringin' a little sunshine into his life. Careful, you'll peel.

[Charlie takes his medication at the Massena Police Station]

Irene P. Waters: What are those for?

Charlie Baileygates: Oh! It's just this stupid thing. I have to take a pill every six hours or I feel... funny. No big deal.

Irene P. Waters: What's it called?

Charlie Baileygates: Advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage.

Irene P. Waters: Hank. I really, really appreciate your help. But is there any way that maybe we could get Charlie back out here for a little huddle?

Hank Evans: No problem. And while you're at it, why don't you go climb that pole over there and take a big steamy piss on the power lines? Look, I'm not here to twist your niblets. I'm here to save your life. But if I'm going to do that, I'll need total uninanonynymity.

[after escaping Lieutenant Gerke]

Irene P. Waters: Calling that cop was unbelievably stupid!

Hank Evans: Woa, woa, woa, wooa! Tweak the high end on your emotional EQ, sweetpeak. The funky chicken was Charlie's dance. I'm a tango man myself.

Charlie Baileygates: I turn my back for one moment then you stick it up my ass. Literally!

Irene P. Waters: For your information, you stuck it in your own ass!

Irene P. Waters: Does your ass feel numb?

Charlie Baileygates: [referring to his pills] No, but they give me unbelievable cotton-mouth.

Irene P. Waters: I meant from the ride.

Charlie Baileygates: Oh. Oh, no. Over the years my ass has taken a pounding.

Hank Evans: I noticed you conveniently left out your eating disorder.

Irene P. Waters: I don't have and eating disorder.

Hank Evans: Whatever you say, slim.

Charlie Baileygates: Irene?

Irene P. Waters: Hmm?

Charlie Baileygates: Why am I peeing like I was up all night having sex?

Narrator: Well, it seems old Hank had pulled a fast one.

Irene P. Waters: You should be furious. I just dropped kicked you right in the face.

Charlie Baileygates: Hey, it happens.

Hank Evans: [after Dickie gets knocked out] Oh, your golf buddy?

Irene P. Waters: Yeah.

Hank Evans: Well, I hope he doesn't mind if I play through.

Irene P. Waters: Knock it off, Hank!

Hank Evans: Okay, turn around. I'll play the back nine.

Irene P. Waters: Stop it.

Hank Evans: C'mon. He couldn't have chewed up the greens that badly.

Irene P. Waters: Get away from me!

Hank Evans: Whoa!

Irene P. Waters: He hasn't played the course in a long time, okay? It was Charlie who was putting.

Hank Evans: Charlie?

Irene P. Waters: Yeah, that's right. He may not be long off the tee, but he's got a pretty good up and down game.

Hank Evans: [Frustrated] What the hell is that suppo- Could we just speak English for a second here?