Ira Quotes in Romancing the Stone (1984)

Ralph: Hey Ira, the kid's here with the broad. They're taking her out to the boat.

Ira: Look at those snappers, will you!

Ralph: We shoulda just rifled her room.

Ira: Ralph, how many times do I have to tell you, "It's not in the country"?

Ralph: Well this kidnapping stuff makes me real nervous. It's a piss poor idea. It's nothing but trouble. Look, we've stolen enough of these antique trinkets to keep us living comfortably for the rest of our lives. Let's kiss-off this third-world toilet.

Ira: One last big one, trust me Ralph, trust me. Oh! Did you see that Ralph, that ugly, striped son-of-a-bitch down there!

Ralph: Someone's gonna get killed, and you're farting around with prehistoric animals. Come on Ira, let's forget about this one. I've got a real bad feeling about it, real bad.

Ira: Will you stop worrying. Have I ever hurt you? I will never hurt you, I can't hurt you. We've got the same blood. We're not two people, we are one person! Would I hurt me?

[one of the alligators hisses]

Ira: Look at those snappers, Ralph!

Ira: Of all the things you could say to me right now, "I lost her," Ralph, is gonna get the most teeth broken in your mouth.

Ralph: Look, bullethead. If they're hiking through the jungle there's nothing I can do about it. I have a car. I am not Tarzan. I have been through every one-horse shithole for a two-hundred mile radius. You should have seen the river I had to traverse this morning. So don't give me any of your crap, you gutless wonder. You have been an embarrasment to our family ever since the day you were born! And let me tell you something else, Ira...

[he turns and sees Joan and Jack getting out of a car]

Ralph: You are luckiest son of a bitch that ever walked the face of the earth! She's here!

Ira: She's there!

Ralph: She's right here! She's walking towards the phone. She's with some guy. How do I know? She likes guys! So do you, maricon!

Ralph: [On the phone] All right, cousin, as usual, you got us in some serious sh*t here. First of all, the stupid dame got on the wrong bus. Now, I'm stuck in some kind of Spic-o military compound. They're mobilizing for Iwo Jima here.

Ira: Do they know who you are?

Ralph: Oh, oh, do you think I'm going up an introducing myself to every cop in the pueblo?

Ira: [Talking about Zolo] Your little sister took the wrong road. Oh, and that "third party" that I told you about... he's tagging along.

Elaine: The man who killed my husband?

Ira: The butcher who killed your husband! A very powerful man with his own private army to back him up. And whether he calls himself Dr. Zolo, Minister of Antiquities, or Colonel Zolo, Deputy Commander of the Secret Police, he's still just a butcher!

Max: Small is good. My powers are able to slip right through the cracks.

Judith: But what if the cracks are closed up?

Max: Then I have a re-cracker, which goes right through that.

Judith: But what if they have some sort of material that re-crackers can't get through?

Max: Then I have a double re-cracker, which can get through anything in this whole universe. And that's the end, and there's nothing more powerful after that, ever. Period.

Alexander: He has a double re-cracker.

Ira: He does sound powerful.

Dr. Glatt: They call you Thug, for Christ's sake! It might as well say "security" on the back of your sweater. Excuse me.

Ira: Doug, I am proud of you.

Doug Glatt: Thanks, buddy.

Ira: Okay? But I'm gonna go with mom and dad. They've got my passport.

Ryan: [to Eva] Did you fall off a toilet paper roll? Do you pee rainbows? Do you fart cinnamon?

Ira: Don't ruin this for Doug, man.

Ryan: Does a rainbow come out of your nipples?

Doug Glatt: I wanted to give this to mom and dad, actually.

Mrs. Glatt: Douglas, it's good to see that you're having fun with this, you know, hobby.

Doug Glatt: It's not a hobby. It's my job, mom. I'm a hockey player.

Dr. Glatt: Have you thought at all to the head injuries that come with playing such a violent sport? The concussions?

Mrs. Glatt: How long do you think you can do this?

Ira: Mom!

Dr. Glatt: It's an infantile way for a man to spend his adult years.

Doug Glatt: No it isn't.

Dr. Glatt: You can do anything except punch people, okay?

Doug Glatt: No I couldn't.

Dr. Glatt: You can teach!

Doug Glatt: No, I can't! Okay? I can't because I'm stupid. I'm stupid!

Ira: Doug, you're not that stupid.

Doug Glatt: I am. I'm stupid.

[to Ira]

Doug Glatt: You're gay! I'm stupid and he's gay. Stupid. Gay. You have one stupid son and you've got a gay son. For once in my life I'm actually a part of something. I get to wear a uniform that doesn't have "security" on it. Kids buy it and they wear it and it's got our name on it. Not, for whatever reason, you guys think that I can be smart enough to be a doctor. I have fist smarts. I can fight. I'm strong and I can protect people. That's who I am. That's what I do. And you should be proud of me.

Barry: It's Curly. He's come back from the dead!

Ira: He looks great.

Ira: Hi. We're Ira and Barry Schalowitz.

Barry: We helped bury your brother.

Duke: Oh. Maybe someday I can do the same for you.

Ira: Oh, I like this. Sort of Rebel Without a Cause meets Sound of Music... you're taking a fashion risk. I like that. Just don't do it on camera!

Rikki: I lifted the music news to the level of art and you are treating me like cattle!

Ira: Moo! Okay? Moo!

Rikki: I quit!

Ira: Great... not great...

Ira: [Kippie is having trouble remembering his name] Ira.

[pause]

Ira: Nachlis.

Kippie Kann: Nice to meet you.

Ira: [to himself] I've worked here for three years.

Ira: [During a pitch meeting] "Little Black Books."

Carl: Do not follow.

Ira: Electronic little black books.

Carl: As in?

Ira: As in Palms... BlackBerries, desk organizers. Electronic footprints of where your man has been and with whom. Under the right circumstances, they could be a girl's best friend.

Ira: What's he do for a living?

Stacy: [referring to the NHL team] He works for the Devils.

Ira: Who doesn't? Kidding.

Ira: [On the phone] Hello, Lulu Fritz? Ira Nachlis. Senior associate producer/producer, Kippie Kann Do. Listen, "I Model, Then I Barf Quietly"... is one of our highest-rated shows.

Stacy: [alarmed] What are you doing?

Ira: [to Stacy] I am trying to give a young innocent her 15 minutes of fame. Now...

[back on the phone with Lulu]

Ira: I'm sorry. Lulu... we're thinking of having a special next month. We'd like you to come in tomorrow for an interview. Excellent. We'll do lunch and throw up... Catch up.

Ira: [to Lamar] You wanna know somethin', punk? You were born dumb and you're gonna die dumb.

[Ira's talking to Margo]

Ira: Back in the Forties, this town was crawlin' with dollies like you. Good-lookin' coquettes tryin' their damnedest to act tough as hell. I got news for you: they did it better back then. This town doesn't change - they just push the names around. Same dames... screwin' up their lives just the same way.

Margo Sperling: I'm gonna' go down to the police station and get a private detective's license. If we teamed up, we'd be great together.

Ira: That's just what this town has been waiting for. A broken-down old private eye with a bum leg and a hearing aid, and a fruitcake like you.

Ira: Listen, doll, let's get one thing straight. I'm a loner. I always have been a loner. I was a loner when I was a kid. I was a loner when I was married. Probably why we broke up. I'm by myself now because I like it that way. Nothing personal, but I don't like to talk about it. There's too damn much talk in the world as it is.

Margo Sperling: [Ira has doubled over and collapsed from severe stomach pain] Ira, wait a second. We'll get you to the hospital.

Ira: I'm not going to any goddamn hospital.

Margo Sperling: You gotta' go to the hospital, so they can find out what's wrong with you.

Ira: I know what's wrong with me. I got a perforated ulcer. It's starting to bleed again. They get me in the hospital, they'll want to operate.

Margo Sperling: Let them. That's better than walking around like this.

Ira: I will not go through another goddamn operation.

Margo Sperling: Lay back down. There's nothing to be afraid of.

Ira: It's my gut. It's my life. I won't let anybody call me a goddamn coward. I went through two operations last year on my gut. Two operations! Do you realize what it's like in a veterans' hospital... lying on your back for six months, with tubes and shit going every which way?

Ira: [continues] Maybe I don't have much of a life right now, but it's better than that. But I'll be goddamned if I let those butchers open me up again. Never! I'll blow my brains out first...

Margo Sperling: Stop it. Just stop it.

Ira: Why was, uh, this Escobar blackmailing you?

Laura Birdwell: Well, I was seeing this man. We were having an affair.

Ira: Your husband didn't know anything about it?

Margo Sperling: Does the Pope shit in the woods?

[last lines]

Ira: Mrs. Schmidt asked me to move out. That place next door to you, is that still empty?

Margo Sperling: I don't know, Ira. I don't think I could take it. I mean you just never say anything, for God's sake. It's not fair, 'cause I have to keep up my side of the conversation and your side of the conversation. Yeah, that's it - you just never say anything, for God's sake. I want some feedback from you. I wanna... I wanna know what you think about things... and what you think about me.

Ira: Jesus Christ, would it kill you if once and awhile you wore a goddamned dress?

Ira: Whoever that guy is, he's no snob about how he kills people. It'a a goddamned .45 he's using.

Ira: There are a lot of ways to play any game. I play mine on the house percentages.

Ira: Listen, doll, let's get something straight. As long as we're gonna' be working together, try to act like a lady, will you?

Ira: One more thing, doll, about my fee... My fee. I get paid $25 a day, plus expenses.

Margo Sperling: What's he talking about?

Ira: Listen, sweetheart, you're talking to Ira Wells, not some low-rent gumshoe. I'm the best, and I get paid like the best.

Ira: Maybe I'm wrong, but you don't look like you've had a lot of experience handling a.357 magnum.

Ira: I'm not as young as I used to be.