Inspector Jacques Clouseau Quotes in The Pink Panther (2006)

Ponton: He was just found dead in a training facility locker room. Shot in the head.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Was it fatal?

Ponton: Yes.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: How fatal?

Ponton: Um, completely.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I want to talk to him now!

Ponton: You never cease to surprise me, sir.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: With me, surprises are rarely unexpected.

French journalist: Inspector, do you know if the killer was a man or woman?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Well of course I know that! What else is there? A kitten?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [about Bizu - dead] It's amazing how he fell perfectly into the chalk outline on the floor.

Ponton: I think they drew the outline after he was shot.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Ah! We must be working with some kind of mastermind!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Is there anyone with you?

Yuri: No.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Are you carrying a pair of high heels in that bag?

Yuri: No.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Not even a small pair of pumps?

Yuri: No.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Who are you?

Yuri: I'm Yuri, the trainer.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: And what is it you do, Yuri the trainer?

Yuri: I train.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: So, you are Yuri the trainer who trains.

Yuri: [looks down]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: A Woman is like an artichoke, you must work hard to get to her heart.

[footsteps are heard in the background]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Shhhh! Footsteps. It's a young woman... 30 to 35 years old... 5'2" ,5'4", brunette. And she is wearing high heels. Perhaps a bit too formal for the afternoon. And she has on... Chanel N°5.

[a male in his forties walks in]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Is anyone with you?

Yuri: No.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Do you have a pair of high heels in that bag?

Yuri: No.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Not even a small pair of pumps?

Yuri: No.

Bizu: [referring to Gluant] And now he's pushing up the daisies.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: He is not 'pushing up the daisies,' he is DEAD!

Bizu: [glares] It's an idiom!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: *You*, sir, are the idiom.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Stop browbeating her! Can't you see she is sexy?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Without warning, I will attack you. In this way, I will keep you vigilant and alert.

[attacks Ponton, but Ponton hits Clouseau]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Good one.

Ponton: Thank you.

Nigel Boswell/Agent 006: Boswell. Nigel Boswell. 006. You know what that means?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Of course! It means you are one away from the big time.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [asking Ponton about his wife] Tell me about her.

Ponton: I consider her the most beautiful woman in the world.

[pauses]

Ponton: What about yourself?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: No, I don't consider myself a beautiful woman.

Nicole: Would you like me to stay behind and help you?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: That is a generous offer, Nicole. But I am quite sensitive to office gender politics. And in today's world, the slightest gesture can be misinterpreted as harrasment. And it is late, and I would prefer not to put you or me into that delicate situation. Agreed?

Nicole: Yes, I agree.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [gives her a quick kiss on her lips] Well, lets seal it with a kiss. And I'll get back to work.

[slaps her on her butt as she goes out]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Monsieur Larocque.

Larocque: Yes.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [talking about the vase stuck on his right hand] Is this vase of great value?

Larocque: It is a worthless imitation.

[slams the vase on the nearby desk in order to break it, but ends up breaking both the vase and the table in the process]

Larocque: But that desk was... priceless.

[trying to teach Clouseau an English accent]

Dialect Instructor: I would like to buy a hamburger.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I would like to buy a "damburgen".

Dialect Instructor: I would like to buy a ham-bur-ger.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I would like to buy a "damburgen".

Dialect Instructor: I would like to buy a hamburger!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I would like to buy a "damburgen"!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [walking around the room] It is... lovely weather we are having. I hope the weather continues.

[chops curtain, table, etc., usually breaking something]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: The area is secure.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I would like to take a closer look at your bawls.

Larocque: My what?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Your bawls. Your big, brass bawls.

Larocque: Uh, sure.

[starts to unzip pants]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [Picks up brass bowl on table and examines it]

[repeated line]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Good one.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Yes, politics. Where greed wears the mask of morality.

Nicole: That's good. Did you say that?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [looks around] Yes, I did.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: What? What did you say?

Ponton: Nothing.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You mean, you didn't just say: Stop the car, dear God, I beg of you, stop the car?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: The good-cop/bad-cop routine is working perfectly.

Ponton: You know, usually two different cops do that.

Ponton: Have you ever had a hamburger?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Well, of course not. It's a disgusting American food.

[starts eating the hamburger he was holding and enjoys it]

Nicole: Do you live alone, Inspector?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Yes, I do.

Nicole: Do you ever get lonely?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: No. Not since the Internet.

Female Reporter: Inspector!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Yes.

Female Reporter: Yes, what is your initial premise?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: That Gluant did not want to be killed. Everthing else follows like liquid mercury flowing down a - a - a sloping thing.

Female Reporter: How long do you think it will take to find the killer?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Right now the killer is being surrounded by a web of deduction, forensic science and the latest in technology such as two-way radios and e-mail.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: And you are?

Ponton: Gilbert Ponton. Detective, second class. I've been assigned to work with you.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: And what qualifications do you have for police work?

Ponton: My family's done police work in Paris for nine generations.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: And before that?

Ponton: We were policemen in the surrounding areas for 200 years.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: And before that?

Ponton: Immigrants from various countries in Europe all involving police work.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: And before that?

Ponton: Farmers.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Hmm. So you are a little lamb who has come to Clouseau for to learn.

Ponton: [after Xania has invited Clouseau to dinner] It could be a trap.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Who cares?

[repeated line]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You are Yuri the trainer who trains.

[accidentally drops a pill of Viagra into the sink]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: My miracle pill for the middle-aged man!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You are Yuri the trainer who trains.

Yuri: Yeah, that's right.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I am looking for a dead body. Perhaps you can tell me where it is.

Yuri: Oh, yeah. I heard it was in the locker room. You go down the hall, make a right and two lefts.

[seeing that Clouseau has almost burst into laughter and is trying to control it]

Yuri: You are finding something amusing here?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I'll be honest with you. I - I find your accent quite funny. Where are you fvam?

Yuri: From Russia. Gluant recruited me from the Russian military gym.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [mocking him] "do-do-do-ba-ba-lo"

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You need to work on your accent.

Yuri: What?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: What?

Yuri: What? What?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: What?

Yuri: What?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I don't have time for this. I have to solve a murder.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Someone had words with Gluant... the night before he was killed.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [points his hand to a guard all of a sudden, releasing a vase stuck in his left hand, and Ponton, who was standing next to the guard catches it in time] Didn't you?

Larocque's Guard: No.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You didn't threaten to brek his legs and then crush him into powder?

Larocque's Guard: [confused] No.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Perhaps I saw that on TV.

Ponton: [chasing masked assassin]

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: It's Clouseau. Arrest him.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [running after Ponton]

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: ...Which one is he?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [falls off banister]

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: That would be him.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Do not leave Europe!

Yuri: But we have matches in Asia.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: All right. Do not leave Europe or Asia!

Yuri: And we also have a match in Brazil.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Do not leave Europe, Asia, or the Americas!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Let's seal it with a kiss.

[repeated line]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Newspapers!

[places newspaper over his face]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Did you say that booth was soundproof?

Roland Saint-Germain: Yes.

[walks into the booth and farts, everyone can hear him by the "turned on" microphone]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [after falling through the ceiling, to the desk clerk] We need fresh towels in 204.

Nigel Boswell/Agent 006: It is very important that you remain calm and do not turn around

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Remain calm, do not turn around

Nigel Boswell/Agent 006: Behind you in the casino are the Gas Mask Bandits

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [turning around and not remaining calm] Oh my God. Ze Gas Mask Bandits

[last lines]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Ooh... that breeze feels good.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: The day before the murder, you were seen hitting the victim and saying... what?

Ponton: 'I am going to kill you, I am going to kill you'

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You see, I have waited a long time to prove myself, and now I have been given the opportunity of a lifetime. I intend to show the world exactly who I am and what I can do. I must not fail.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Monsieur, you must move your vehicle at once.

Old man in wheelchair: Oh... I'm so so sorry Officer Clouseau my chair... it won't move.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Hmm... let me see

[investigates the wheel chair]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: your battery charge is not in let me see. Right so the positive goes to negative

[puts the positive charge in the negative plug]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: and the negative to the positive

[puts the negative charge into the positive plug]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: . Okay you are ready to go

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [after the old man reverses backwards into a market stall] Okay next stop.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I've got Bizu in the interrogation room.

Ponton: What's the plan?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I'm going to give him the "good-cop / bad-cop" routine.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You are the soccer player known as Bizu?

Bizu: Yes.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You were acquainted with Yves Gluant?

Bizu: I am glad he is pushing up daisies.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: He is not pushing up daisies, he is dead!

Bizu: It's an idiom.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You sir, are the idiom!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Now, unless you want to spend the rest of your life in prison, you will answer the next question: Did you kill him?

Bizu: I would have loved to have killed him, but some lucky bastard beat me to it.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You disgust me. I'll be right back!

[leaves room]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [re-enters room] Cigarette?

Bizu: No. Thanks.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Good for you. Bizu, I knew you didn't do it; someone else did, and they are trying to set you up.

Bizu: You'll help me?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Of course I'll help you. Now, do you have any idea who else might have done this terrible thing?

Bizu: His partner in those stupid restaurants, Larocque.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Raymond Larocque, the casino owner.

Bizu: Gluant would steal money from the restaurants and use it to gamble. My guess is Larocque got fed up and had him killed.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Bizu, I like you. I'm going to help you. You and I are going to make a great team.

[leaves room and shuts door]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: The good cop / bad cop routine is working perfectly.

Ponton: You know, usually two different cops do that.

TSA Agent: What's in your pocket, sir?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Uh, nothing.

TSA Agent: Sir, I'll say again: What's in your pocket?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Nothing.

TSA Agent: I'm gonna ask you again: what's in your pocket, sir?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [Clouseau proceeds to mumble the word 'hamburger' in an unintelligible manner throughout his interrogation] All right... I have, in my pocket, a couple of 'hambworstforts'.

TSA Agent: What?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I have... in my pocket... a couple of 'dolvargars'.

TSA Agent: Sir?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [Clouseau continues to mumble the word 'Hamburger'] 'Handbirders'.

TSA Agent: Sir, in your pocket, you have...?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: All right, I have four... 'Hanholders'.

TSA Agent: I'm sorry, once more?

[Clouseau mumbles something unintelligible that sounds like'hamburger', but the TSA agent cannot understand Clouseau's thick French accent]

TSA Agent: Again!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: 'Damburrs'!

TSA Agent: Sir?

[a man in the crowd says "Hey, what's that"?]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: 'Damburger'!

TSA Agent: Sir, sir, I'm losing my patience.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Oh, you are? You are losing your patience?

TSA Agent: Yes.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I'm simply telling you I have a couple of 'tamburthers'.

TSA Agent: I've got an 'end darter' down on six, I've got an 'end darter'down on six!

National Guard: Locked and loaded, sir!

Security Agent: Show me your hands, sir!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: All right, I'll just show you!

[Clouseau attempts to take the hamburgers out of his pocket, and Ponton tries to keep Clouseau from making a fool of himself]

Security Guard: No, no, no! Stay here, sir!

[repeated lines]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [after Ponton blocks one of Clouseau's surprise attacks with a counter-attack of his own] Good one.

Ponton: Thank you.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: As Chief Inspector of the Police Nationale, I hear many stories of our officers in the field; Clouseau generated many, many stories.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [Clouseau forces a door open, to find a dog lying in a basket; the dog whimpers] You are under arrest for the murder of Pierre Fuquette!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [Clouseau forces a door open, to discover a baby in a playpen; the baby coos] You are under arrest for the murder of Pierre Fuquette!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [Clouseau forces a door open, to discover that Pierre Fuquette is alive and well] You are under arrest for the murder of Pierre Fuquette!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [Clouseau does a double-take] Pierre Fuquette? The case is closed!

Dialect Instructor: I would like to buy a hamburger.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I would like to buy your ambargar.

Dialect Instructor: I would like to buy a hamburger.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I would like to buy a am - bergar.

Dialect Instructor: No, no, no, let's break it down. I...

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Uh.

Dialect Instructor: I.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I.

Dialect Instructor: Would...

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Wooed.

Dialect Instructor: Would...

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Wo -od.

Dialect Instructor: Would...

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Weird.

Dialect Instructor: [the dialect teacher stretches the pronunciation of "would"] Wou... ld...

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [Clouseau imitates the teacher's example] Wou... ld...

Dialect Instructor: Like.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Lake.

Dialect Instructor: Like.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Like.

Dialect Instructor: To...

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Trois?

Dialect Instructor: To...

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Toi?

Dialect Instructor: To?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Toi.

Dialect Instructor: Buy...

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Bay.

Dialect Instructor: Buy...

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Bee.

Dialect Instructor: Buy.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Bye-bye.

Dialect Instructor: A...

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Eh.

Dialect Instructor: Hamburger.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Amburgar.

[Clouseau tries to pronounce "hamburger"]

Dialect Instructor: Hamburger.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Ehamber.

Dialect Instructor: Hambugrer.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Ambebber.

Dialect Instructor: Ham...

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Em.

Dialect Instructor: Bur...

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Ber.

Dialect Instructor: Ger.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Gar.

Dialect Instructor: I would like to buy a hamburger.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I would like to buy a damburger.

Dialect Instructor: It's not "damburger", "hamburger".

Dialect Instructor: [teaching Clouseau how to say "I would like to buy a hamburger" with an American accent] I would like to buy a hamburger.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I would like to buy a damburger.

Dialect Instructor: It's not "damburger"; "hamburger".

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I'm not saying "dim burger"; I said "I would like to buy a damburger".

Dialect Instructor: I would like to buy a hamburger.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I would like to buy the hambedder.

Dialect Instructor: Ham - burger.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I would like to buy a amdurger!

Dialect Instructor: Maybe we should stop.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: We don't quit! We do not quit! Again, again!

Dialect Instructor: I would like to buy a hamburger.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I would like to buy a hambaa!

Dialect Instructor: [more insistently] I would like to buy a hamburger.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I would like to bite daberger!

Dialect Instructor: I would like to buy a hamburger.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I would like to buy a amburgar!

Dialect Instructor: I would like to buy a hamburger

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I would like to buy ambargar!

Dialect Instructor: I would like to buy a hamburger.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Daburger!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [the telephone rings] That may be one of your mysterious clients now.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [Clouseau answers the phone] Hello? Yes, I am the person in charge of the phone bill... and I'm somewhat happy with my service. Twelve months with that many minutes? Plus free minutes per month? Well, yes, sign me up!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [Clouseau recites his credit card number in French] Yes, Jacques Clouseau, credit card number: quatre, zero, zero, zero, deux, trois, quatorze, quatre, cinq, onze, douze, umph, umph, umph, cinq, huit, neuf, huit, neuf, deux-bi-deux-bi-deux.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Yes? Yes, you may have my e-mail address: uh..."[email protected]". Merci.

[Xania giggles]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Well, I think I just got myself a pretty good deal.

TSA Agent: I'm gonna ask you again: What's in your pocket, sir?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: All right, I have... in my pocket... a couple of "hamburstfers".

[Clouseau mispronounces "hamburgers" and continues to do so throughout the scene]

TSA Agent: What?

[Jimbo, the German shepherd, barks cautiously]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I have... in my pocket... a couple of "durvergers".

TSA Agent: Sir?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Amwerters.

TSA Agent: Sir, in your pocket, you have...

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: All right, I have... four anholders.

TSA Agent: I'm - I'm sorry, once more?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Amwerers.

TSA Agent: [growing frustrated] Again!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Dervers!

TSA Agent: Sir?

[a man in the crowd asks "What's going on"?]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Handbirders!

TSA Agent: Sir, sir, I'm losing my patience.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [tesstily] Oh, you are? You are losing your patience?

TSA Agent: Yes.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I'm simply telling you I have a couple of amburtars.

TSA Agent: I've got an end-darter down on six. I've got an end-darter down on six!

National Guard: Locked and loaded, sir! Show me your hands, sir!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: All right, I'll just show you!

[Clouseau takes his hands out of his pockets]

TSA Agent: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

[Ponton goes beyond the barrier ribbon]

Security Guard: No no no, stay here, sir!

K9 Guard: Sic him, W.!

[a German shepherd named W. leaps at Clouseau]

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: [sarcastically] Well, this is a glorious day for France.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: How so, Chief Inspector?

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: Because a stupid idiot named Clouseau is going to be stripped of his rank while I take over his case.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You have a second man named Clouseau?

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: [mutters softly] My God.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: Leave us alone for a moment. You, out. Go, go. I must have a private word with Inspector Clouseau.

[Everyone, except for Renard and Ponton leaves the room]

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: Understand something Clouseau. When I made you an inspector, it was not because I thought you had any value as a detective. It was because I thought you were the stupidest policeman in all of France, a hopeless, deluded idiot.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Then I was not promoted for my merits?

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: I only made you inspector because I needed someone who would quietly get nowhere until I was ready to take over the case myself.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I was trying to catch a killer.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: You were trying - you were trying to become a hero. Well, you will be stripped of your rank, ridiculed by the media, and I will be done with you. And now if you will excuse me, ex-Inspector, I must go and prepare for the arrest which will win me the Medal of Honor, catapult me to the National Assembly, and after that, who knows? Goodbye, Clouseau.

Deputy Chief Renard: Shall we lock him up?

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: Look at him. He is finished, let him go home to obscurity.

[Dreyfus and Renard leave the room]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [Clouseau looks at Ponton with disappointment] You knew?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Ah, the Internet. Hello, old friend.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [reading from the Internet] "To download your new cell phone ringtone, press the button that says 'download'. "

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [mispronounces "mouse" as "moose"] I take the moose, and I click, but do not drag, the button that says "download".

[Clouseau's computer monitor displays a virus warning message that says "Fatal System Error"; the entire apartment building and city of Paris experiences a power blackout from the virus]

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: [heard on television from Clouseau's apartment] I am pleased to announce that I am personally taking over the Pink Panther investigation and that an arrest is imminent, thank you.

Palais Reporter: Chief Inspector, the coroner has announced that Bizu was killed with a perfect shot to the occipital lobe. Any comments?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: The occipital lobe?

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: It's irrelevant.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: The occipital lobe. Ah.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [Clouseau sits down at his desktop computer,and observes his arrest at the airport, remarking with a sarcastic tone] Oh, well that makes me feel good.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Zoom.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [Clouseau gasps in surprise] Of course!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [calls Ponton on his cell phone] Ponton, I need you over here immediately. We are back on the case!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [calls Nicole on his cell phone] Nicole, I believe Bizu and Gluant were both killed by the same person, and that the killer will strike again tonight. I want you to meet me at the Presidential Palace, and bring me my vinyl bag marked "Presidential Palace", and hurry! Xania is in grave danger!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Clouseau.

Ticket Checker: I'm sorry, but your name is not on the list.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Not on the list?

Ponton: Dreyfus must have made sure you cannot get in.

[Nicole makes a bird call, motioning for Clouseau and Ponton to meet her]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Ponton...

[Clouseau hums as he and Ponton stroll away from the main gate to meet Nicole]

Nicole: Inspector, here is your bag.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Good work, Nicole.

Ponton: What is that?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Camouflage, let's go!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Nicole?

Nicole: Yes?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: One last thing...

Nicole: Yes?

[Clouseau removes Nicole's glasses]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: It's evening, and you look beautiful without your glasses.

Nicole: Thank you, Inspector.

[Nicole squints, and bumps into a tree]

Nicole: Oh, ow!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [Clouseau's leg accidentally touches the bed's wheel lock, and it starts to roll away] Ponton...

Ponton: Yes, Inspector?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: This is a very hard time for Inspector Dreyfus. It is important that we show compassion; and we must use the gentle healing power of laughter.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: [groans as his bed rolls into the hospital corridor and down a staircase] Uh-oh.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [the Pink Panther theme starts playing; Doctors, nurses, and medical staff start panicking and shrieking as Dreyfus's bed continues to roll away] This is going to hurt.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: [Dreyfus and his bed fly through a window and into the River Seine] Clouseauu!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Oh, that breeze feels good.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [Clouseau and Ponton arrive, wearing wallpaper pattern disguises] Good work, Ponton, we're in! Look, it's the killer! After him!

Palace Guard: [Clouseau and Ponton take off their masks; the palace guard arrives] Stop! Turn around. Who are you? What are you doing here?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: We are - we are, we are two, we are - I'll tell you exactly who we are.

Ponton: Yes.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: We are -

[Nicole arrives]

Nicole: I have been looking for you two everywhere. Where the hell have you been?

Palace Guard: You know these two?

Nicole: [slightly annoyed] Of course I know them: they are Xania's back-up dancers. They go on in the third act with the Komodo dragon and the snow machine. Why do you think they are dressed like that, for fun?

Palace Guard: Prove it.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I don't have to prove -

[the palace guard cocks his gun; Clouseau starts to dance and Ponton joins in the dance number while Xania continues singing]

Nicole: [Clouseau and Ponton pant for breath after they've finished dancing] Can't you see these dancers are exhausted? Go and fetch them some water!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [the palace guard leaves] That was fantastic!

Nicole: [giggles] You think so?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You are... an amazing woman.

Ponton: [Clouseau approaches Nicole to kiss her, only to be interrupted by Ponton] Inspector, the killer!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [Clouseau returns and kisses Nicole] Now I am ready to catch a killer!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: In the name of the statutes and laws of the great nation of France, I arrest you for the murder of Yves Gluant... Yuri, the trainer who trains!

[Clouseau unmasks Yuri; the guests gasp]

Palais Reporter: And who are you?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [Clouseau unmasks himself] I am Inspector Jacques Clouseau!

Yuri: Gluant was nothing! I drew up the plays. He takes credit for brilliant French defense which I gave him and treats me like I'm dead, okay, fine. Now he is dead... from Chinese poison.

[the crowd gasps in shock]

Ponton: Inspector, what made you think it was him?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: But Ponton, think back: You were there.

[Flashback to Ms. Yu's interrogation]

Yu: [in subtitled Chinese] Why do you bother me? Why did you bring me down here? I'm busy! The soccer coach was killed with Chinese poison. You should look for soccer trainers. They are required to have a knowledge of Chinese herbs.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: She was right, of course. According to Statute 87223: every trainer of the National soccer team must have a knowledge of Chinese herbs.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [Flashback to Yves Gluant's murder] This made it easy for him to murder Gluant.

Palais Reporter: And Bizu?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Simple: Bizu had often heard Yuri's rants against Gluant, so Bizu blackmailed Yuri and got himself killed.

Bizu: [Flashback to Bizu's murder] Oh, it's you.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: A stunning shot to the head burrowing deeply into the occipital lobe.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: But Yuri is a soccer trainer. That shot was made by an expert marksman!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: But Chief Inspector, I'm sure you're familiar with Russian Army statute 611.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: Well, of course.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau, Chief Inspector Dreyfus: All members must be expert marksmen,

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: Expert marksmen.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau, Chief Inspector Dreyfus: And understand the location of the occipital lobe.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: The occipital lobe, of course. Yes, very true.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Yes, Yuri, Xania is still alive. But you hated her, and that's why you are trying to kill her. You hated her because she went with Bizu and then Gluant, and treated you like you were nothing, but you forgot a fundamental truth about women. A woman is like a... is like a... artichoke: you have to do a bit of work before you get to her heart.

[Nicole faints]

Palais Reporter: What about the diamond? What about the Pink Panther?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Yes, I...

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: Uh, thank you, Inspector Clouseau, for... carrying out my orders. Hand over the diamond, Yuri.

Yuri: What do I care about your stinking diamond?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: He does not have the diamond.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: [skeptically] The murderer does not have the diamond?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: No.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: [mockingly] Well, then where is it, Inspector Clouseau?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: It is there! In her purse!

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: Let me see.

[Dreyfus searches Xania's purse but finds nothing]

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: Uh-huh, sorry Clouseau, no diamond!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [Clouseau takes out a Swiss Army knife, and opens the miniature scissors] The purse, please.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [Clouseau uses the mini-scissors to cut into the purse's inner lining] Could you hold that, please?

Xania: [Clouseau hands the Swiss Army knife to Dreyfus, and takes the Pink Panther ring out of Xania's purse] After Gluant came to me, he said he decided to stop cheating on me; then he asked me to marry him... and put the ring in my hands. After he was killed, I thought: if I came forward with the ring, everyone would think I did it.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: If Gluant gave you the ring before he died, then according to Civil Statute 812-914-B, you are the rightful owner. You may keep the Pink Panther.

[the crowd says "Aww..."]

Ponton: But Inspector, how did you know she had it?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: It was simple, Ponton: I was looking at a photo of myself at the checkpoint. Something caught my eye: Xania's purse passing through the X-ray machine. I enlarged the photo, and in it, the Pink Panther. The case is closed!

[the crowd cheers and applauds]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Chief Inspector, I can't thank you enough for giving me the opportunity to solve the Pink Panther murder. Without your decision to put me on the case, who knows? Someone else might have won the Medal of Honor this year.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: Yes, I know.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I owe it all to you, Chief Inspector. Without you, I would be nothing.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: Perhaps you still are.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Ah! Excellent verbal joust, Inspector!

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: [the corner of Dreyfus's coat gets caught in the car door as Clouseau closes it] You idiot!

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: Oh, no...

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Hit it, Ponton!

[Ponton drives away with Dreyfus being dragged on the road]

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: No! Clouseau!

[the rest of Dreyfus's conversation goes unheard]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: What?

Ponton: Nothing.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You didn't say "Stop the car. Dear God, I beg of you, stop the car"?

Ponton: No.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Hmm...

[At a costume ball, a police sergeant costumed as a zebra drinks from the punch bowl]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Any more behaviour like this and I'll have your stripes!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: We must find that woman!

[slides off the globe]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [having stepped on and broken the violin] Oh well, if you've seen one Stradivarius, you've seen them all.

[last lines]

Police escort: Tell me, inspector - Signor Phantom - all those robberies. How did you ever manage it?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Well, you know... it wasn't easy.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: At times like this, I wish I was but a simple peasant.

Simone Clouseau: It's times like this that make me realize how lucky I really am.

Simone Clouseau: If I'm not being too nosy your highness, I read somewhere there was some dispute over the ownership of the Pink Panther.

Princess Dala: It belongs to me. It was a gift from my late father. I shall never surrender it.

Sir Charles Lytton: Why should you?

Princess Dala: When the present government seized power, they claimed the diamond was the property of the people. There's even some talk of the international court deciding the issue.

Sir Charles Lytton: I'll tell you what, why don't I steal the diamond, leave that old glove or whatever it is behind, and you and I can split the insurance.

Princess Dala: All right.

George Lytton: I feel like dancing.

[to Princess Dala]

George Lytton: Your Highness?

Princess Dala: I'd love to.

Sir Charles Lytton: [to Simone] How about you, Madame?

Simone Clouseau: Yes, of course.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Your leg is better, Sir. Charles?

Sir Charles Lytton: What?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I say your leg is better.

Sir Charles Lytton: Oh, yes. Much better. Thank you.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You know, Mr. Tucker...

[scalds his hand]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Argh!

[put his burnt hand into Mr. Tucker's beer]

Tucker: That's my beer, old man.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: What kind of candle is zis?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I am willing to bet you ten thousand francs, that the phantom is in Cortina at this very moment. Even, perhaps, in this very room.

Simone Clouseau: How exciting. What do you think, Mr. Tucker?

Tucker: Oh, I agree with the inspector. You see, Ten of his last fifteen victims have been guests at Angela Dunning's parties.

Sir Charles Lytton: What are we all talking about?

Simone Clouseau: The notorious Phantom.

Princess Dala: I'm afraid I never heard of him.

Sir Charles Lytton: From the little I've read about him, he seems to be quite a fellow.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Believe me. There are few thieves who are as clever as the Phantom. Each theft is completely different and unique, classic in its conception.

George Lytton: I thought you were working on the theory that he does repeat himself.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Well, only as far as Angela Dunning's parties are concerned. However, there is one other duplication, but that is his ah... trademark, his calling card, so to speak. He always leaves a white monogrammed glove.

Princess Dala: Sounds terribly theatrical.

Tucker: Your Highness, if I were the Phantom, I'd have chosen my victim already.

Princess Dala: Really? And who would that be?

Tucker: Well, who owns the most fabulous diamond in the world?

Princess Dala: I suppose I do.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Exactly. The Pink Panther. Such a prize he could never resist. He would be bound to try for it.

Princess Dala: I'm afraid he'd be disappointed. The Pink Panther is in my safe, at...

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [interrupting] Your Highness, please. Don't say it, not here.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [chasing after the diamond thief] Come on, now! Faster! Faster!

[toots horn]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: What's the matter with you? Can't you drive this thing faster?

[toots horn]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Come on. I tell you, this is the road they've gone up.

[toots horn]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Don't argue with me. I'm telling you, I know where they've gone!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Simone! Where is my Surété-Scotland-Yard-type mackintosh?

Dreyfus: [after Clouseau's fiasco with the bank robbers] ... You are suspended for six months, without pay, effective immediately! Have you anything to say?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: ...Could you lend me fifty francs?

[Chief Inspector Dreyfuss has gone berserk, shooting at Clouseau and Lytton]

Sir Charles Lytton: He's out of ammunition.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: He's out of his mind, that's what he's out of.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [in Dreyfus' office, after Clouseau's apartment has been bombed] I tell you, infamous powers are at work! The instant you assign me to a case, the Underworld hears about it and I am set upon! It is amazing that I am still alive!

Dreyfus: [forcing himself not to giggle] "Amazing" is not the word.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Do I detect something in your voice that says I am in disfavor with you?

Dreyfus: YES! I wish you were DEAD!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Well, of course, you are entitled to your opinion.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [at Lytton Manor in Nice, while working undercover as a telephone repairman, Clouseau has already annihilated the Lyttons' doorbell!] ... I am from the Nice Telephone Company; there is some trouble with your phone.

Mac: ...I don't think there's any trouble with the telephones here.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I know when there is a trouble, and when there is not a trouble, and you may rest assured that there is a trouble.

Mac: Since when?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Since it was reported.

Mac: By whom? And what sort of trouble is it?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: If I knew that, I could simply call you up and tell you what the trouble with your telephone is!

Claudine: Well... Whatever the trouble is, I hope you locate it.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Madame, it is my business to locate trouble...

[He misses the door to the study, crashing headlong into the wall; being Clouseau, he isn't even fazed]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: ...Er, no trouble back there!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: This is very strange. I do not ever recall receiving the fortune cookie in a Japanese Restaurant.

Sgt. François Chevalier: What does yours say?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Beware of Japanese Waitress bearing fortune cookies

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: There is a time to laugh and a time not to laugh, and this is not one of them.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: My face! You've stolen my face! Give me back my face, you fiend!

Commissioner Sir Charles Braithwaite: I think it only fair to say that your being brought in on this case was not my idea.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You are too modest.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Yes, well, life is not all shoot-shoot, bang-bang, you know.

Reporter: Could you give us a statement please?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Yes. Chocolate makes one very thirsty.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I ruin everything I touch.

Lt. Lisa Morrel: Hey, what's the matter with you?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [close to tears] Arrested twice, I destroy a phone booth at a railroad station... I steal from a nun, I don't know my own face. A man comes up to me with, with my own face tied on, I don't recognize who it is. I don't... I don't deserve to have this autographed picture of Sean Connery!

[takes a picture from back pocket and tears it apart]

Commissioner Sir Charles Braithwaite: You must trust no one. The viper in our bosom could be anyone.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I suspect everyone!

Commissioner Sir Charles Braithwaite: You will report only to me.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: And what makes you think I trust you?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I don't deserve to have this autographed picture of Sean Connery!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I shall let that pass, since you cannot possibly know whose leg it is that you are pushing.

Meg: Do you know something about machinery?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I don't know something about machinery, I know everything about machinery.

Lt. Lisa Morrel: Hey, what about the crooks?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: The crooks never sleep and neither does Clouseau.

Police despatcher: [on police radio] That's our final report. Over and out.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Roger and goodbye.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [shouting] You'll soon be laughing at the other side of my face, my friend!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [parachuting out of a plane] Kurosawa!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: And now since we are becoming so chummy, perhaps you can tell me about the Great Train Robbery.

Addison Steele: I don't know nothing!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: He who don't know nothing, must know something, eh?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: The crooks never sleep and neither does Closeeau!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Anonymity is a virtue. Every fool knows that. Anonymity's next to cleanliness and I don't have to tell you what that's next to.